Weapon of Mass Distraction. 10/07/02 8:02 P.M. EDT. THE PRESIDENT: [base "]Many Americans have raised legitimate questions: about the nature of the threat; about the urgency of action [~] why be concerned now; about the link between Iraq developing weapons of terror, and the wider war on terror. These are all issues we've discussed broadly and fully within my administration. And tonight, I want to share the answer with you: It[base ']s the oil, stupid. And my one-man fatwah against daddy[base ']s nemesis. After all, this is the guy who tried to kill my dad. And don[base ']t forget the fall elections [~] nothing buoys public approval ratings, distracts the booboisie from a moribund economy, and puts steam in my slacks like a little carpet-bombing. Sure, the pricetag for this thing is going to be big [~]$200 billion, according to White House economist Lawrence Lindsey, a sum that will mandate savage cuts to school budgets and police forces across the nation. As for the coming war[base ']s cost in American blood, well, there is no easy or risk-free course of action. War is hell [~] or at least it looked like hell on the nightly news during my toga-party tour of duty in the Texas Air National Guard in 1968. Can you believe I squeaked through the pilot aptitude test with a 25 percent [~] the lowest acceptable grade [~] just when I was 12 days away from losing my student draft deferment, right when 350 Americans were dying in Vietnam at the rate of 350 a week? Is that dumb luck, or what?!? Then again, maybe the fact that daddy was a congressman from Houston had something to do with my admission... In any event, if the bodybags start coming home, I[base ']ll show those cynics in the liberal media elite how easily we Bushes cry. Compassionate conservatism is more than just an empty slogan, as anyone knows who heard my lump-in-the-throat eulogy for the nine Israelis killed when a suicide bomber blew their bus to kingdom come. En route to the golf course with daddy, I paused, club in hand, for a solemn moment with the assembled press corps: [OE]There are a few killers who want to stop the peace process that we have started, and we must not let them,[base '] I said. [OE]I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers. Thank you. Now watch this drive.[base '] Anyhoo, by the time our doughboys hit Baghdad city limits, I[base ']ll be feeling no pain, skimming across the sun-kissed waves of Kennebunkport in Poppy[base ']s cigarette boat, high on the crack cocaine of power and privilege that comes with being the fortunate son of American royalty. I guess that about covers it, my fellow citizens. Any questions?[per thou]
© G®afted Media Devil, 2002.
Discuss (Thanks, Mark!) [Boing Boing Blog]
1:40:18 PM 
|
|
