Monday, July 12, 2004

Chelsey and I had a long talk while we were at the beach. One of the topics had to do with trying to remember while at the same time wanting to forget. As time goes by Cindy lives on in our memories. Right after she died she was still so familiar to all our senses that we could still see her, hear her, smell her, taste her. Our memories of her were so fresh and full. As time has gone by those memories are not as fresh as they once were. As time goes on we have more and more new experiences and memories that are more recent and fresher in our minds. And those most important memories of Cindy are getting older and more distant. We can no longer hear her voice, or smell her smells. Then there are some memories that we wish would go away. Memories that are so painful that we can't seem to forget them. The memories of the day Cindy died. Those images, sounds, emotions are so burned into our memories we can't seem to erase them. They don't get any more distant. It is as if it was yesterday. The pain and sadness in those memories is so much stronger it seems than the joy and happiness of the memories of Cindy. Why can't we somehow turn down the volume on the painfull memories and turn it up on the ones we fight so hard to remember? 7:27:59 AM

It's hard sometimes to figure out what is worse so much emotion that you feel worn down by it, or a total lack of any emotion, a numbness. There are times when the loss and sadness are so strong that your sense of emotion for everything is enhanced. It's almost like turning up the brightness and contrast on the TV and all the colors are bright and electric. And then there are other times when the brightness and contrast are turned way down and everything becomes so muted and gray. 7:19:37 AM

© Copyright 2006 Rod Kratochwill.