Friday, April 8, 2005

I follow a bunch of PhotoBlogs Today Myla Kent posted a photo of Kissing trees . Yesterday was a rather blustery day here. As I was driving, to or from, the rink, or school or work, can't remember which, I noticed some trees flailing in the wind. I wished I had a video camera as the trees were waving their arms frantically as if they were trying to tell me something of great immediate importance. I almost had flashbacks to the most frightening memories of my childhood, those horrid, hateful, terrifying apple throwing trees from The Wizard of Oz. 3:19:06 PM

On the third anniversary of Cindy's death Julie and I were talking about how such great loss affects our calendars.  Cindy died in the spring of 2002.  I have found that in the months before the anniversary date I begin to feel down.  I usually don't figure out why until a few weeks before that date. I was thinking this year about how our wedding anniversary was always one of our most emotional holidays.  It made me think, and Julie reminded me of how our calendars change.  The anniversary that now seems to hold the most emotional power is the anniversary of the day she died.  We suffered a sudden, traumatic and violent loss.  I was struggling to take care of my daughters who were injured in the accident while also dealing with the sudden loss.  It is not a time that I want to remember.  It is the most horrific day in my life.  I wonder if it is different for those who have lost their loved one after a long illness.  Do the circumstances of the loss change the way people feel about that date? Our wedding anniversary is now a day just like any other on the calendar.  It falls around Father's Day so I spend the time trying to figure out what I should do to help the girls do something for me. One of the hardest holidays for me to deal with has been Christmas.  Christmas was Cindy's favorite time of year.  She has so many decorations and loved to shop for new things every year during the after Christmas sales.  We would have a neighborhood Christmas party at our house with food, friends and caroling.  The first two years I tried my best to keep everything the same.  Or as normal as I possible could.  It was very hard, emotionally and physically.  There's just me know and there aren't enough hours in the day sometimes.  I think that is one of the reasons I was looking forward to, and dreading out trip to Europe this past Christmas.  Cindy and I wanted to go back to Czech with our friends and wanted the girls to go with us.  I was excited for the opportunity to celebrate the holidays with our friends and family and to experience the Czech holiday traditions.  I was also terrified by the thought that I was doing a terrible thing by changing one of the constants in our lives, Christmas. It ended up being both an exciting and amazing time spent with friends and family experiencing new and old traditions, as well as a time to remember the Christmas' we had and miss so desperately.  So my challenge, along with all the other challenges of being a single parent of two teen girls, is to try and figure out a way to turn these days that bring such sorrow into days that we can celebrate again.  Find a way to turn out thoughts of sadness and loss into happy memories.  I think that some time may have to pass to allow the sadness to fade and the happy memories to fight their way back into our hearts, minds and calendars. 7:16:19 AM

© Copyright 2006 Rod Kratochwill.