We had a pretty good day on Friday.

This is the quick and polite response I would give to people that ask how our day was.

We had a doctorís appointment on Friday. The girls were both scheduled for their physicals. They were busy so they could only see one of the girls. I had to pull Lindsey out of school early so she went this time and it sounds like she is doing great. The doctor would like to see her get more calcium, as she doesnít like drinking milk. We rescheduled Chelsey for another day.

Here is the expanded version of the dayís events.

Yesterday was a day of minor accomplishments and painful disappointments.

The last time we went to the Dr. for Chelsey's sore throat she said we should schedule the girls for physicals. She said we could schedule the girls so we could get them both done in one visit. She really seems to understand what we are going through and I really enjoy the few minutes we get to spend with her at our visits. Our appointment was yesterday at 3:00 p.m. I felt that it was important that I go so I arranged to take the afternoon off of work. I've been trying to minimize the number of days I have to take off, as I'd like to have as much time off as I can during the summer when the girls are out of school.

Many times Chelsey will try to do things that she really doesnít have to do on her own that I would really like to do for her or at least help her with, but she stops me with, "Donít help me, I can do it myself". Something similar is happening to me now. I have been getting an incredible amount of help and support from our friends and family. I am so thankful for all this help, but I will never be able to adequately express my appreciation, and will never be able to repay those who have helped us. Related to those feelings I also feel the need at times to reassure myself that I can still do some things and feel like Iím saying ìDonít help me, I can do it myselfî, just like Chelsey tells me when I try to do some things for her.

The things that seem to give me the most trouble are the seemingly little things in life, scheduling the girlsí activities, doctors appointments, remembering PTA meetings, getting all the chores done, and remembering those little extra tasks that pop up during the normal course of raising two girls.

On this particular day we had school, the girlsí doctors appointment, a birthday party for Lindsey to go to, a sleep over at another friends house after the birthday party, dinner for Chelsey and I, the usual Friday night attempt to get most of the laundry done, and as it turns out a friend sleeping over at our house with Chelsey. Not really a big deal in the greater scheme of life but a little challenge for me.

We started the day reminding the car pool moms that I would be picking the girls up at school today so they wouldnít need to bring the girls home. Lindsey reminded me that we didnít get a chance during the week to get a present for the birthday party Lindsey had to go to. I did have some birthday cards on hand. This is something that Cindy always used to do, get extra cards whenever you go to the store so you always have a few on hand when parties sneak up on you unexpectedly. I ended up leaving work a little earlier than I planned so I could run by the Mall first and pick up a gift certificate for Lindsey to give to her friend. I ran up to the mall and was able to get the gift certificate.

Next I was off to pick up Chelsey at her school. I realized that I didnít have a gift bag or anything to put the gift certificate and card in, and I didnít think weíd have time after the Drís appointment and before the Birthday Party. I thought about stopping by the house on the way to Chelseyís school but was afraid Iíd be too late to Chelseyís school to find a parking place. Oh well. I ìadjustedî the birthday card envelope so that the gift card envelope would fit in it too.

Chelsey gets out at 2:00 and I was able to get there just in time to get the next to last parking place in the lot. As I waited in the lobby I remembered all the times when Cindy and I would sit in the lobby area waiting for the girls to get out of school. I saw a few moms I knew, a couple teachers and the Principal while I waited. I watched all the kids come rushing out of the classrooms, waving to the ones I know, when finally Chelsey appeared. We hustled out to the car and headed straight to Lindsey's school. Her school day doesnít end until three, so I had to pull her out of school early. I donít like taking the girls out of school early if I can help it, but it sounds like she didnít miss anything too important this day.

We left Lindseyís school and started to head up to the doctorís office. It wasnít until that point that I realized we were about to take the same route as they did the day of the accident. This would be the first time I have driven that route with the girls, and I felt really uneasy about it. I tried to chat with the girls to ease my discomfort. I think we all realized that we were about to go by the accident scene and it got kind of quiet. In the weeks and months immediately after the accident there was usually a marker of some sort at the accident scene, a pot of flowers, a rosary, a poem or other item as some sort of memorial. On this day there was a lot of traffic. There wasnít any marker at the site this day, and we drove by without saying anything.

It looked like we would be early a few minutes early, for our appointment until the traffic started backing up. A tow truck went by on the shoulder so we thought there must be an accident. I wasnít looking forward to driving by an accident scene. I called to let the doctorís office know we were on our way but had run into traffic. We got through the traffic and didnít see any accident so I was relieved. We got to the Doctorís office at 3:01 p.m. just in time. This was one of those small achievements that gives me a little boost and makes me realize I can be both a Mom and a Dad. All of the worrying and rushing around and taking time off work and I was able to get them there on time! Or so I thought.

We rush in and sign the register to let them know we were there. The office was crowded and I hoped we wouldnít have to wait. We waited while they called several other kids. Finally they called me up to make our co-payment. It was then that the girl at the desk informs me that they are too busy and can only see one of the girls. I was devastated. I could barely speak. I mumbled to her, ìThatís very disappointing, if you only knew what I had to go through to get them here.î

How could this happen to us? All the effort Iíd gone through to get there in time only to have this happen. My mind is racing, now Iím going to have to reschedule one of the girls. They were anxious about this already and now I had to choose one of them to go today and make the other come back and go through this again. I couldnít speak for fear that my emotions would explode. These are the hardest times for me. I am the mom and the dad, I am the strong one, I am supposed to protect my girls from the bad things in the world. I had no control. I had failed. All the efforts I had made to achieve this one small thing were destroyed with but the few words, ìwe donít have time to see both girls, and youíll have to reschedule. Who would you like us to see today?î I tried to ask Lindsey if she would go today using hand signals across the waiting room. I finally had to walk over and ask if she minded going today.

I was in a daze, trying to hold back the tears and anger and helplessness. I blindly followed Lindsey from the scale, to the eye chart and the hearing test. Why couldnít they see both girls? How hard would that have been? Why does this have to happen to us? The nurse was trying her best to be cheerful and make Lindsey comfortable. She finished all those tests and finally led us to a room where she gave Lindsey a paper gown to put on and told us the doctor would be in soon. I sat down and tried to compose myself. I have to be strong for the girls. I have to be strong for myself. Lindsey started to try and get the paper gown on. I helped her get the opening in the back and tie the silly little plastic belt around her waist. We all sat down to wait. Chelsey or Lindsey, I canít remember who, commented that she looked like a roll of paper towels. That cut the tension I had building up inside me made us all smile.

Cindy would go through these experiences regularly and I remember the days when I would get home from work and she would have all this built up emotion from her day. I was usually able to try and help her to release those emotions and get her to relax and realize that it wasnít that big of a deal and everything was going to be alright. She was doing a great job and she couldnít help the failings of others. Now it was my turn to do that for myself. I donít have a Cindy to go home to and help deal with these emotions. Itís just the girls and me. We have to take care of ourselves and get through these little struggles, as big as they may seem to me at the time, and do it on our own.

The doctor came in and was able to change our, actually mostly my, mood and get us through the physical. There was important information she needed to relay to me and I needed to put aside what I was feeling and focus on what she was saying. She put me at ease and we covered some of the important things that an adolescent girl needs to know. I really like our doctor; she has been helpful in giving the girls some of the intimate information that young girls need that I donít have the experience or knowledge to give them. Every visit is hard too, because she makes us examine how we are doing with our grieving process. I was happy, as she was able to spend some time alone with Lindsey during this visit. She offered to spend some time with the girls outside of the office too, perhaps at the mall, and I really hope that she can do that for us. I think the girls have a special relationship with their doctor and could really benefit spending a little more time than they get during the normal office visits.

Surprise, surprise, it turns out Lindsey is a healthy young girl, which the doctor would like to get some supplemental calcium as she is in the peak bone-building period. Lindsey eats really well, a nice varied diet, but doesnít drink milk. I do get Calcium fortified Orange Juice, but I think Iím the only one that drinks it. So I need to get some multi-vitamins and remember to have the girls take them every day. All in all, the visit with the doctor was good and when we were ready to leave, when the doctor gave us a suggestion she used when she was dealing with the Christmas holiday after a loss in her family. I could see that Lindsey was affected and I began to lose my composure as well. I donít mind losing it in front of the doctor but I donít like doing it in front of the office staff. We thanked the doctor and were ready to leave when I realized I had to re-schedule Chelseyís appointment.

I have a hard time remembering all the things we have to schedule around, Jr. Girl Scouts, Ice Skating, Band, etc., so I just try to go for Fridays, when the girls donít have any skating. Then I go home and see if it conflicts and call back and change it. For some reason when I got home the card says our appointment is on a Monday, so in addition to all the other calls I have to make, Iíll be calling the Dr.ís office from work Monday to reschedule.

We survived the doctorís visit and were on our way. We had extra time since they didnít see Chelsey so we were able to go home for a few minutes and get a gift bag fro Lindseyís gift and get ready for the Birthday party Lindsey was going to. We dropped Lindsey off and Chelsey and I were on our way home trying to figure out what we wanted for dinner, when some guy comes flying by in the wrong lane, tires squealing and scared us to death. I looked in the rearview mirror expecting to see a police car in hot pursuit. My heart was racing and I almost had to pull over to get my wits about me. We decided to stop and get Tacos, as that was the only thing that sounded good to Chelsey. It felt good to get off the road for a minute or two.

We went home and had a nice little dinner. I decided I needed a glass of wine and started working on my regular Friday Laundry Extravaganza. Chelsey got a call and a friend of hers came over to spend the night. I got a chance to talk a little with one of my mom friends and unload a little of my frustration, when I got a call from another of my moms and we did our regular Friday happy hour over the phone. I finally relaxed and was able to have a nice evening, talked for a while with the dad of Chelseyís sleep over friend and finished most of the laundry.

Then it was time to get ready for the next day. Chelsey arranged to have one of her school friends over for the day and then a sleep over that night. So I have to figure out how to get Lindsey home from her sleep over, and ready for an ice skating practice that evening for the Christmas show Lindsey is in next month, finish doing the laundry, try and get the yard work done, make the grocery list and so on and so onÖ.

So here I am the next day. I got up early, 8:00 a.m. is early for me on the weekend, made a pot of coffee, cycled the laundry, got the newspaper, spent a little time trying to figure out why my computer looks like the hard drive crashed, hoping that I havenít lost everything since my last backup. When did I do that last backup, 1998? Had a cup of coffee, got the house ready for Chelseyís friend who just came over, swept off the deck, just about finished the laundry, and spent some time for myself writing down my feelings trying to understand how we are going to survive. Itís 3:00 p.m. and time to figure out what and when we are going to have dinner, and get Lindsey home so we can get off to the next event the figure skating practice.

And so it goes, each day a chance for little achievements and potential disappointments. The trick is to accomplish more little successes and fewer disappointments. So far with the help of our family and friends we are doing a pretty good job of that.