In my dreams

She visited me in a dream again.  It was a very short visit. I was waiting for her to get dressed I think.  I was in a strange room.  It seemed like we didn't live together any more.  I got the sense that we were somehow not together anymore.  It felt like we weren't divorced, but we didn't live together anymore.  It felt like she lived in this place but I still lived in our house.  I was sitting in this room thinking about how much I loved her and having the realization that we would never be together again.  When she came into the room she was dressed nicely.  A buisness like outfit.  The kind of thing she would wear to work.  Nice slacks and a knit top.  Like this it was a little too sexy for my taste, but she would put on her lab coat later.

She is bouncing around her place, I can tell it is her place an not mine or ours.  She seems very content and I can sense that she is happy inside, but it is a happiness of a different place.  Iy's not a happiness of being here with me.  It is a happiness for wherever she is going to.  I keep trying to think of ways to keep her with me.  Not in a physical sense, but an emotional sense,  I'm trying to see if I can get her to fall in love with me, and realize that it is too late and that will not happen.  She will let me continue to love her but she will never be able to give me back that same love.

I walk over and rest my head on hers, as if I was smelling her hair.  She doesn't move away but I can feel that she doesn't really feel the same emotions I am feeling.  I finally ask her for a hug.  She puts her arms out and lets me hug her.  It feel like she isn't really there, I try to give her one of those big squeeze kind of hugs buy it only feels like one of those awkward stranger kind of hugs you give to someone you've just met.  I let her go and tell her how much I love her.

She continues to ready herself as if she needs to be leaving soon and doesn't have any time to waste.  She walks around the room, her clothes fit so well, the colors are so bright.  She is thin and fit.  Perhaps even more beautiful than I remember her.  I sit there taking in how beautiful she is and felling how much I love her, and at the same time knowing somehow that I will never be able to have the love we once had, the emotion is one of resignation.  Of being able to see her, but not able to actually touch her, feel her closeness, to feel her.  I know that she still loves me but it is so distant.  It is a love that you can't touch, or smell, experience with you senses.  It is a love that was, one that now only exists in my memories.

It is a dream that wakes you up with a feeling of emptiness.  I am happy that I was able to see her but saddened by the knowledge that I will never get to really see her.  I will never get to really be with her again, never touch her, hold her close and tell her how much I love her.  One of those dreams you can't get back to sleep, you want to go back and see her but it hurts too much to know you can't.

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This morning's dream.  I've had this one before.  I'm trying to convince Cindy that we should get back together.  It seems as if she has been gone for a while and is just now coming back.  She is trying to make me understand that she can't be with me anymore.  I of course am desperate to somehow convince her to stay.  She won't tell me why she has to leave.  It is a terrifying experience.  The helpless feeling of her being there, and knowing that she wont stay and will leave.