How to be a Democrat

So I got the screed below in the mail the other day from someone who I gues thought it was funny. It's an interesting piece, filled with distortions, personal attacks, and downright lies. It's hard to talk about it without getting down to its own level, but it's kind of fun to try. My comments in italics.

Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking and vote that way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites.

Right away, we can tell that this is going to be a reasoned argument. It's clear, with the "quit thinking," that they are not taking the high road.

Consider the list below to see how you rate.

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

On the other hand, I guess to be a good Republican what do you have to believe? Is the implication that federal funding somehow causes AIDS? Or that there shouldn't be any federal funding for AIDS education or research? This is really unclear to me. Of course AIDS virus is not caused by lack of federal funding (just so we're clear there).

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

This is really strange. Do we think that these same teachers, then, should be teaching our kids about God? Is the answer to poor education not to teach about sex? Or is it to pay more money to get better teachers? (No, can't be that, I suppose that would be socialist.) Oh, I get it. Because teachers are so bad, they shouldn't teach sex in school. I guess it's OK, then, that they don't teach reading, so long as they don't teach aout sex. Because there's nothing in here that says otherwise.

3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law- abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.

Well, it is strange, but as far as I know, no law-abiding Americans have been killed by nuclear weapons in the hands of the Chinese. Whereas many law-abiding Americans have been killed by guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans. Come to think of it, more Americans have been killed by atom tests by the Pentagon than have been killed by the Chinese. But it's probably unpatriotic or anti-American to say such things

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

Fair enough. But I guess to be a Republican, you'd have to believe, say, that without federal funding there wouldn't be any religious charity. Or that without teaching prayer in school there wouldn't be any religion.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

This seems like something for science and not politics. The science may or may not lead to places that politicians or corporate interests don't like. In that case, good Republicans know that all we need to do is cut the funding and/or find different scientists.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

To be a Republican, I guess, you have to think that homosexuality is not innate to many people, but that sexuality is so malleable that it can be affected by pretty much anything. I guess you also have to be that these undefined "gender roles" are genetic. What are these "gender roles?"

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

What if one is against both? Or for both?

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

Well, it seems to me that government subsidies for business are creating prosperity for some. Not for anyone I know, but those farm subsidies are going somewhere. Didn't Bush just prop up the steel companies last year with tariffs?

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.

If "killing" = "caring" then I guess that makes sense. Seriously, though, most everyone knows that Ducks Unlimited, for example, is one of the better conservation groups. I guess the fishermen on the Klamath River really appreciate the dead salmon the Republicans brought them this year. And I gotta love that "loony" in there. This is some high-minded document I got in the mail.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

If you don't have to earn a salary, but can just get riches passed along to you by your parents, why should you have to earn self-esteem? (Sorry, I guess I stooped to their level there.)

11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

Does this mean that the warmongering from the White House is by corrupt politicians?

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

So the opposite is true? The ACLU is bad? I'd say supporting all the consitution is good; being selective is bad (has the person who wrote this looked up the ACLU's record on the 2nd Amendment?). But to be a Republican, I guess, you have to think that registering guns is bad, but keeping a database of who checks out which books at the library is good.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

What's the connection? Does this mean that if I think that, say, the price of gas is too high that I also have to think that taxes are too high? This is some confusing stuff. If I think that taxes are too high, does that mean I have to think ATM fees are too low?

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

Let's see, didn't Robert E. Lee wage war against this country? And that on the side of a facet that was fighting to maintain slavery? And, yes, I'd say Margaret Sanger, who fought to make birth control available was very important to this country. Of course, the writer of this mess thinks, apparently, that gender roles are inherent and that messing with nature is wrong, so I could see how Margaret Sanger would be a villian.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

Hmm, was it Democrats or Republicans who supported the Voting Rights Act that allowed everyone to vote? And I thought that Republicans believe in local control of school districts. Or is that only when it comes to teaching religion? Aren't standardized tests imposd on us from the dreaded federal government? 16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady. Oh, now this is really a classy document.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.

Or you have to believe that it's socialism only when tax dollars go to benefit individuals; when we pay taxes to subsidise corporations, then that's something else. I don't know what it is, though.

18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.

I guess that would be Ronald Reagan or George Bush Sr. about Iran/Contra. Or that it's OK to tell lies about National Security, but not OK to lie about personal behavior. Note the "Republicans tell the truth, Democrats lie." Or is it really true that Republicans don't lie?

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

Or you have to believe that your tax dollars should go to support someone else's religion. This is some distortion. I can find no case of manger scenes at Christmas being illegal. What is not permitted is government sponsorship of religion. Unless the Republicans think that without tax dollars there would be no Christianity. Note the association of bestiality with homosexuality; oh, yeah, this is some good stuff.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

And I suppose that illegal corporate funding of the Republicans is in the best interests of the United States. And, come to think of it, I thought that laws governing campaign funding were bad anyway.

This is the kind of stuff that's being passed around emails these days, I guess, as "clever" political argument. But look at it: it doesn't engage any debate, it doesn't even permit of the possibility of any argument. "Quit thinking," "loony," "lady," "gender roles," "socialism," "teachers can't teach," "taxes are bad." Homosexuality is mentioned 3 times, the Chinese twice. I like good political satire no matter who it's directed against, and I do like reasoned discussion of issues. This is neither.

Last update: 10/23/2004; 1:42:59 PM.