I went to the movie today, "Star Trek: Nemesis" if you must know (don't ask,
I'll tell later), doing my first "typically male" thing for the New Year. It's
supposed to be a guy thing to go to action movies with space ships or massed
alien invasions, or fast cars laden with vast quantities of high explosives,
and special effects so good that you actually believe that the hero and his
girlfriend can fall 28 stories, bouncing off flag poles every story or so, and
land on a first floor awning and walk away after a quick quip and the long deep
kiss that clearly involves tonsils.
So I did my guy thing.
There were other, younger, guys doing their thing, too. I don't know what they
were watching, maybe the "guy thing" prep movie: "Treasure Planet", but whatever
it was there was this group of youngish guys in front of me as I walked into the
theatre, and again in front of me as I got my popcorn and soda, and again right
there as I walked into the mens room.
With them was a younger guy. A little guy in training. Someone's little brother
who they had to drag along or else they couldn't come. I'm sure you can see the
conversation in the kitchen. The mom who just wants two hours to herself so
maybe, just maybe, she can wash the kitchen floor and it will stay clean, take a
shower, and actually wash her hair so when her husband makes it home to plop
down in front of the TV and watch the Fiesta Bowl he won't tell her how tired
she looks. He just won't say anything except maybe "Are we out of beer?"
So there are these kids. The oldest is maybe eleven or twelve. They have formed
a pack. There is the pup on the outside. They have all used the urinal except
the pup. Clearly he has issues because as I walk in I hear "yeah, if you use it
right you don't have to flush it, it does it itself." And another who says "Well
sure IF you do it right." And then I see the little guy who is now looking
uncertainly at the plumbing - white porcelin with a 6 inch piece of stainless
steel over with a red disk that might, now that I think of it, be inspired by
the eye of HAL in "2001: A Space Oddessy", a movie none of these kids has seen
or even heard about.
The pup approaches cautiously. "How does it know?" he asks.
Eyes are rolled. "It WATCHES, dummy" and the whole group, like a school of
sardines, heads to the door, tossing behind "We'll meet you outside. Hurry."
Walking the ten feet to the urinal one over from the low one the guy-in-training
is contemplating with a growing look of horror. I can almost see the wheels
turning: it watches. It's going to see him pee. What If I Don't Do It RIGHT???
He takes a step back. But this does not solve his problem. The commode isn't
even in the equation. He looks, wide eyed, at the red dot.
"It just measures how far you are away," I said. "When you back up it will
flush."
This was supposed to be one guy helping another fledgling guy. You know, sorta
showing him the ropes.
Now there was a real look of panic. Someone had noticed. An adult someone who is old enough to be his father or maybe grandfather. I quickly looked the
other way and walked to the sink with my back toward him. I heard footsteps, a
zipper, and later after drying my hands, as I walked out the door, the sound of
water flushing and a moment later a blur headed out into the lobby to join the
guys.
Some he will thank me.
Or his therapist will.
It is, after all, a guy thing.
Oh, yes, I promised I'd mention the movie. Well, there was a space battle where
unexpected help fought with honor. There was a nasty guy. There was a song and
(almost) dance number. And mostly it was dark.
Go see "Treasure Planet" instead.
Make it so, Number One.
7:27:50 PM
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