Sunday

Latin	English
Oh Sibile! si ergo Fortibus es enero O Nobile! demistrux Sivat sinem causam dux.	Oh see Billy! See 'er go Forty busses in a row Oh no Billy! Them is trucks See what's in 'em, cows and ducks.

Yesterday I went to GBYSO, and got there a half-hour early after tiptoeing carefully out of my room so as not to wake up H. I went to the reading too, and played one solo. Not too well either. Alas. I also made the mistake of spilling the beans about the Telemann, and now R wants to use it for her audition. GODDAM.

Today "les parents" kept me in bed all day. Well, I must admit I have been coughing a bit less. I feel all weak from lack of exercise though and dirty, because I haven't had a bath in three days. I practiced. I meditated so far once, having gotten up at 3 for 1/2 hr. I'll meditate again before going back to sleep.

I don't know what to give Dad for Christmas, or T, or J. Or Mr. M, if I do. I sort of feel bad that I didn't go to SF's party. Well, I'm going to the next one I want to no matter what, y'hear! (Fat chance.)

It has finally happened. I've sort of expected this day when I didn't really have any wild passions for anything and I only do what habit or everyone else or simply something arbitrary inside dictates, mechanically. Way, way on the inside I just don't care. Not at all, much. So I fall back on my old patterns to make it seem that there's something inside guiding my outside shell of body and personality. I feel like a creature of preset emotional conflicts and thoughts that are decided by something other than me. Recently I've been perpetually irritated by noise, for instance. Where does that come from? And if there's a noise, I want to have control over it. I must say I really don't understand myself yet for some reason I push myself on and on. I have a week more of school and then vacation, when, hopefully, I will be able to do what I want (when I figure out what that is!).

Well, you see, I have to do my Math now.

It's all the same what I have to or feel obligated to do. Feh! Yuk ich blech yargh gross plech ack skulch bicck spawn shuch sjkopdfokw2wj

Monday

Well, he's gone. That closes one of the more ridiculous chapters of mes affairs du coeur. May I never have a repeat. I am glad that nothing got off the ground because it would have been just another quickie and I am looking for something else.

I wrote another letter to D ~ real glum. It's like dropping stones into a bottomless well. Nothing ever comes back. I don't expect him to write back. I probably shouldn't have mailed that letter. Oh well. I've been doing dumb things for a long time now, and that's only one more to add to the list. But there's one guy I really love. And I hope he never pretends or acts as if he likes me more than he does or doesn't, because that's one person that I hope I never cherish false dreams about.

Of course thinking about D leads me to thinking about J2. I wonder how she's doing. I really should write her. I've always been a little, if not insanely, jealous of her relationship with him. It's much closer than mine. Oh well, these are things that since one cannot understand, one must accept.

J- is a very nice kid, don't let me ever say otherwise. I think he's one 10th grader who really knows what I am. I wish he'd let me in on the secret.

I went to the doctor. "Nothing wrong with me a few days rest won't cure." As I expected, nothing dramatic and fun. We ate at the Golden Temple, Pretty good, but rather ordinary. It can't hold a candle to the Shanghai, but then, what can?

I have decided to made datenut bars for the bake sale. We have a rehearsal tomorrow. I got my period, and as usual I have cramps. I always do the first two days. Alas, as they (do they say that?). Hah! Well, I have Math + French + Bible + Spanish and so far I've done nothing. But I practiced two hours.

You see, I'm depressed even if I don't want to be over the whole thing. Nothing ever goes right. Especially when I write D. Oh DAM forgive me! Beautiful Persian person. Or who cares what race. I need to talk to somebody. But there's no one to whom I would be willing to speak. It's all rather complicated, and even after all for me even it gets kind of ... well boring isn't the right word, but I don't know what is. I KNOW I SHOULDN'T HAVE MAILED IT ~ but it's too late ~ isn't it? Isn't it ~ isn't it ~ isn't it?

Tuesday

My first and I hope last entry in 111 pgs of writing, in the wrong pen. Mr. C made me cancel a lesson for his dumb rehearsal. I started Royal Flash. I had a long talk with Mr. K, who tries very hard to understand and help. The effort is appreciated. He kept asking me if some "interpersonal relationship" was responsible for my malaise. Ha! Well... then he suggested hormones maybe??? Mr. M made a non-decision for me saying "Do what you think is right." You see, the problem is that people lead me by the hand where I'd prefer to walk alone, and then ignore or refuse it when I hold it out for guidance. A screwy way to operate things, if you ask me. It turns out that the Messiah sing thing coincides with that second damn concert at Comm. Shit. Looks like won't have any fun that weekend. Friday night ~ concert; Saturday morning ~ rehearsal; Saturday night ~ concert; Sunday afternoon ~ concert. Preposterous! Well, gotta meditate. Wee you tomorrow, in the right color again. Blue ink looks kinda good though I gotta admit, but perhaps I like doing things the hard way. I hope Mrs. C writes me back. I sent some stuff to A-, he wrote me a really nice letter. I hope D doesn't misunderstand my letter. It would hurt me alot. Both mentally + emotionally ~ they being different things? Well, I was going to stop but here I am running off at the mouth again.

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Last updated: 11/10/02; 2:25:55 PM.
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