Thursday

Well here I am again in the wrong color ~ who cares? I had a lesson today... Ms. B came to school! (It more than made up for missing it yesterday.) We had a rehearsal from 4 to 10 or so, like Mr. C promised. Wow, am I beat! M, K2 et al had dinner at Brighams and didn't ask me along. That really pissed me off.

Oh, I see I haven't yet said anything about the gorgeous Roman. This sixteen yr. old guy was visiting at school. He's Italian and speaks French fairly fluently, and English not very well at all. Although amazing for just picking it up on a boat over. Well he was very nice, and K2 and I both flipped over him, only she, the lucky little bitch, has the right connections. A friend of hers baby-sits for the people he's staying with, and is going to show him around Boston. K2 invited herself along. Of course I'm madly envious, which is ridiculous since he's only here for Christmas and I'll probably never see him again anyway. I guess what really bothers me is that she can't be satisfied with one guy, she's got to have all the other ones that suit her fancy as well. Well, c'est la vie. I enjoy speaking French with him, anyway. And I must say that he was terribly attractive although not "handsome" in the classic style, and unbelievably Roman, but nice, well anyway...

Turns out I will be able to the Messiah Sing thing, if we dash out of the concert. I really look forward to that. There are only two guys in school who I've decided I like for sex objects (well sort of) TL and TC (believe it or not). DB and WB are okay as friends and people. But I don't enjoy seeing anyone else get really close to them. I wonder if it's a strictly female possessive reaction, this jealousy for something I don't deeply full-heartedly care for. HMM.

I've really got to get to bed before my head falls off with the exhaustion. I'm going to be in no shape for that concert tomorrow otherwise. Bless me and give me your love handsome bod who cares. I hope to meet you on Earth someday and all the Universe will be in happy order (or chaos). Corny but true. Somehow I know, it seems fated that I will never find social happiness within the structure of C. I've got to get out, into something where I'll be given some kind of a chance, and something will go right for a change. If I prayed I would pray the hardest for love, that poor overworked misused word that has come to mean so much to me, illusions that haven't even had a chance to be shattered. An empty life is a barren one.

"Better to cook your omelet slowly than to burn your house down in order to have it done quicker." An original Soleil homily. My head aches. Good night.

Friday

Well, the concert went okay. Tomorrow night the Hale House, and then on to the Messiah Sing. I said warm goodbyes to many. I also learned some interesting things. K is going to a psychiatrist, who she likes. This is good. She also seems to be going out with TC. This is good for her, and no so terrif for me. Oh well, I'll live. Like I said before, I have to look outside of school.

So, now my days are empty. I have nothing left to hope or dream about. I shall have to make a new start. I would have liked so much to go traveling this vacation. New people, new faces, a different way of thinking and acting. Somewhere where it is not taken for granted that I will be the frustrated person that I am.

The Cs are moving in May. H has gone off for Christmas vac. A strange noise fills my head. I have an eight forty-five rehearsal tomorrow. Quelle drag! I love Mr. M and Mr. D very much. I don't know how to tell them. I also love the Ks, I've decided. It is nice to know such people. And M is really a nice kid. I do feel sorry for him. What a drag to be so much younger than everyone else.

A kid named B- was setting up the amp system at the concert. He looked awfully familiar, and cute. You see, nothing every really works out right. But I'll keep waiting and dreaming until it does. I have a hard time really comprehending B's plight, but I can guess how bad it must be to have and then lose. Now let it be granted to me that I have. Losing I'm used to, mentally and emotionally. May the new yr. bring me that at least for a while.

K2's D- has moved to New Jersey. She says she's going to stay "married." Well, it may last for a little while. But things always seem to fall into her lap. I think it's just I somehow got raised in the wrong atmosphere or something. How wrong, I don't know. But I wish that hopeless aspirations were not so frequent with me, and that I would only wish for that which someday might or will be mine. Futile wishes collect to form despair quickly. So quickly. I've gotta get to bed. But I am sick of this. Very sick. And if something doesn't change in a hurry I'm going top become one very unhappy person. Very. Or I'll become a religious fanatic and declare all these things sin to justify and sanctify my solitude (NEVER!). I wish I could find someone who would see that empty part of me, and then care enough to try and fill it.

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Last updated: 11/10/02; 2:25:59 PM.
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