Sunday

C'est tard mais je dois te racontre ce qui est passé hier et hier soir, et aussi les évenements d'aujourd'hui. Je suis allée avec Judy au Harvard Sq., mais j'ai voulu donner les Greek Crescents au Ks. Madame K m'a attrapée et donc le cadeau n'était pas anonyme. Tant pis. A la Coop je achetais un livre qui s'appelle Forms and Patterns in Nature for pour A-. Je ne sais pas quoi donner à mon père. Nous avons dejeuné au Brighams and we exchanged gifts. Un peu plus tard elle a perdu le bracelet. C'était le meilleur chose qua j'ai fait.

Quand j'arrivait chez moi tous les relatives etaient là. Mais Maman m'a dit qu'il y avait un esuprise partie chez G. Alors sans attendant, j'y allais. I goota stop frenching it's too much hassle. I left out dinner at J2's house. Well anyhow. I met T's guy, L- and her friends F and M. They were all wiped, I got a bit drunk too but I didn't smoke any dope, and there was plenty. We went down to Friendly's and that was fun. I liked L-. Nice and goodlooking, and he and T are obviously really close. J was there when I got back.

I learned a little more about LRY (Liberal Religious Youth). It sounds like a really strange set up, but really great for some people. I don't think I could get into it. When the others started going over to someone's house with John (a very drunk friend of M's) me and J decided to stay behind. Then I decided to go home (I had intended to spend the night). I sort of snuck out, and that made me feel guilty. But I got a pretty good sleep.

In the morning the relatives start to drive me up a wall. I went over to T's house to get a punch bowl, and finally wangled it so I could go see Sleeper with her. I liked it. So did she. T's a neat kid. I find it easier to be with her than most of her friends though. Our circles intersect at T and nowhere else. Talk about cocaine and quaaludes tends to scare me off.

Then it turns out that tonight (Mom threw a party) M and K2 and whatnot went caroling. I missed out on that, as well as M's party which I didn't hear about until too late (from her in Harvard Sq.).

What is really depressing is that I don't seem to fit in anywhere. Also, all of my friends have boyfriends. K ~ T-, T ~ L-, S ~ F-, K2 ~ D-, J ~ (R-)?. Me and M and J2 seem to be out in the cold, and boy am I freezing.

M is still a stranger to me. This is sad. P and P don't bug me as much as Grandma J (poor woman I feel sorry for her, and guilty because I let her get on my nerves). 'D bugs me too. But she's just a little kid, and I would probably be that way too if I lived around them all the time.

Mom has been so fantastic and understanding I can't believe it. Dad too hasn't hassled me at all. I guess it's because they have their hands full elsewhere, but that's only part of the reason. This is good. The nuclear family sticks together.

I started sound OK after an hour of practicing today. But oh, I want to be so much better! Tomorrow I have to wrap all my presents.

It's funny, but I feel like calling Mr. K and talking to him ~ or somebody. I should have been more helpful around the house. It was a bit selfish to go out and see the movie and then practice and not help at all. But perhaps it was a little worthwhile in that it allowed me to be a bit decent during dinner. (It was a damn good dinner too!)

What is it about growing older that changes people so? Not just adolescence, I mean. Old age. Why is there senility? The dulling of the wits, the moods, temper and mentality warped and distorted and changed. Oh it hurts and it's sad, very sad. I really don't ever want to be like that. God grant me the presence of mind at least to commit suicide discreetly. But I bet I hang onto life to every last scrap.

I'm getting more uncoordinated too. Perhaps it's been influenced by the mess inside my head. And the goddamn people and relatives. Why can't I be comfortable with anyone? Just to be at peace with someone no uneasiness, no uncomfortable conflict or doubting inside my own head, someone who understood me and me them. I would love that person, and if we were good together they would love me. Screwed up single and plural persons, on purpose SO THERE! That's what I want ~ peace, and little easy just being happy, with things going easily and right ~ where everything is not a struggle or a question or a doubt or a rejection and separation and emptiness. It sounds fucking corny, but it's true dammit ~ TRUE. (Tomorrow I should write about Gene's phone call, right now I'm too wiped).

Monday, Christmas Eve

In his phone call G- thanked Mom for her suggestion of a place for their concerts (Burden Hall was closed) and I told him about her idea on the $100 deposits, which he thought was good. Just thought I'd stick that in there.

Well we had a goose dinner which was very good, and opened the presents. Everyone was delighted with the gifts I gave them. Daddy had already read the Marquez book though, RATS. I got a nice sweater/shirt, cross-country skis, a memo pad, a pair of stud earrings (weird) and a vest-type thing form Margo that I don't have anything to go with. Alas.

I was able to tolerate les relatives much better today. Only little kids still drive me up a wall. I wish I could love them endlessly as everyone else does. But 'Dessa although cut, intelligent, and full of beans, does not turn me on. I dread the day that Bonnie asks me to baby sit. I never do you know. I'm pretty sure she'll understand.

I didn't practice today, but I guess that's to be expected on such a hectic day. Tomorrow it will be peaceful and relaxed and pleasant and I will be able to practice to my heart's content, I hope. I also didn't meditate a second time (yet) and that's inexcusable because I really did have the time and occasion to do it.

The TV whispers and grumbles its inane plots to itself. It always sounds the same in the distance. You can differentiate between the newscasts and soapies and the police or hospital dramas or the westerns. All the dialogs are the same. And the music and the sound effects. Mumbled and contorted plots. They make a background for the metallic supersonics I hear in my ears all the time now, all day. Before it was just my right ear, now it's both. Maybe I should mention it to somebody, but it sounds pretty damned hypochondriacal to someone who couldn't hear it themselves.

The heat has been turned up consistently. I almost despise the stuffy over-luxurious feel it gives. Someone's perfume seems to have tainted the whole house (or is it just the area around my nose?). Time seems to be stretching out and the days go slowly. Sometime I must write my french and study my geometry. I also have got to mail A- his book. God I love that guy, and do I ever miss him. He sent me Coming of Age in Samoa by Margaret Mead. Pretty interesting as I compare the life of the adolescent there with my own. Different? Definitely. Better? In some ways perhaps, in many much worse.

I have a feeling I'm going to be different from people all my life. I'll never ruin the function of my body with cigarettes. And dope is out of my policy, at least for now. Liquor in moderation a glow sometimes is nice, but drunk is out (I get dumb, careless or depressed). Gotta run take a bath. See ya 'morrow lovey. Remind me to pray to my handsome god. I can't wait until he shows up on earth.

Tuesday, Christmas Day

Well the relatives packed off. The person I enjoyed most of all was P's boyfriend, quiet calm, considerate B-. We ate dinner at the R's and I was more sociable. Nice people, them. Tomorrow I have a lesson.

A- called to wish us all a Merry Christmas. I prewarned him of his presents. K2 didn't call. I knew she'd forget. I watched a sci-fi movie that was a gas. Rocket XRM or something to that effect. If women's lib got to that there's be nothing left of the plot. Remarkably restrained 'love discovery before death." I tried to ignore the clichés. All in all it was quite calm and quiet and indeed that was a welcome change from the awakening I got ~ 'D shrieking like a siren in front of my door in the morning "Pascale's still asleep!" so of course I wasn't. I can't stand the screaming and pounding of little feet that so many others seem to delight in.

I'm different in many ways from most people, and the problem is that I really don't know what I want. All I know is that I have not yet run into the person or group with whom I can be totally comfortable and at ease and happy. I have a funny feeling I never will. They say misery makes great artists. Here's another of those imaginary questions I pose to myself ~ If you had to chose, which would you pick: To be happy and satisfied in love and life or to be a great musician and never have stability or security or lasting happiness? You see greatness only comes once if at all, but true satisfaction and contentment is equally as rare. To have both would be both a miracle and a blessing beyond belief. I dare to demand both. I'll probably have neither.

I've been wondering if my responsibility as a person isn't to do my best to be aware politically and economically and to help people see what's happening to the world. But emotionally that kind of work is not for me, although I'm aware it's got to be done. I want to play and play well. Perhaps there is some way that I can be of service. Entertainment is sometimes a good way to get people to come to meetings or fundraisers or whatnots. My conscience tells me I should do something. Because the world is on its way over a cliff and there are so few people who see it, everyone is obsessed with his or her problem or complaint against once facet of the evil. And of those who see the whole, there are so few who are willing to make the effort. Like me, like me. There is even a question as to whether or not it's already too late. Perhaps the best we can do is each to try and make sure that they himself will survive. how can I do it?

Wednesday

Gave K2 her present in Harvard Sq. She forgot mine. i had a pretty good lesson. At least I went over my audition movement. I gave Ms. B a pair of earrings. We ate dinner at the Osaka. It was delicious. I have decided that I love that kind of Japanese cooking. i wish it wasn't so expensive.

Then I watched a lot of TV, including the last episode of "Unpleasantness at the Belona Club," which I adored. I also watched Wild, Wild West and a sort of dumb play called The Typists and the first half of The Saint (and it had looked like the start of a good one).

I met CR on the trolley on my way to Harvard Sq.

Then I read, from then until now, at 1:25 in Labyrinths of Jorge Luis Borges. Fascinating. Early in th evening (whilst having a ball being ridiculously silly) I had decided that he should call his next collection of short stories Smorgesborges I thought that was kind of witty. I haven't meditated a second time and I don't think I will, just turn out los lampas and rush off to sleepy-pye land, wherever in God's name that is.

I love some of Borges' stories. (What is God's name?) Tetragammatron. I haven't said it out loud. Perhaps I won't. It's like a mantra. I could write my mantra down, but I won't. I wonder why. It's also strange that people with the mantra AYEEM or however else you want to spell it, are willing to tell people it. I will perhaps find out what mantra it was that H- told A-.

My yummy brother. I love him. I saw the cutest picture of him and me together when we were little. I also found a note so sweet it made tears come to my eyes. It was from K, when I had come back from Hawaii "to my best friend (Pascale) who I've missed so much." Poor K. She really is a neat kid, of she could just have the change to do and be whatever she wants. that really was touching for me to find. I just wished I'd been more responsive to K all these yrs. I may perhaps be too late.

Thursday

Absolutely nothing worth mentioning happened today. Pretty boring. I also watched too much TV. But I got in 2 hrs. of practicing. Probably should have done more. Dad woke me up like a torpedo this morning. That wasn't too cool. Read more Borges.

Saturday

Didn't write yesterday, sorry. Not much happened. We're not traveling because there's no snow in Maine. T and I wanted to see The Sting but there was a line three blocks long for that and The Exorcist. We waited therefore at the Park Cinema for an hour to see A Woman Rebels with Katherine Hepburn. quite a gas. We munched on the homemade popcorn we'd brought along.

I did the shopping at the Star. It was kind of fun. I'm getting nervous about writing my papers and stuff. I'm going to have to do that tomorrow. Oh God! School again. The thought is not the pleasantest in the world.

It occurred to me last night that I could have had JG if I'd acted right when were alone together. When he came at me with that gleam in the eye, if I hadn't said anything ~ but I think that perhaps in the long run it was better this way. It would perhaps have boosted my ego un peu, as well as cooled me down for awhile, but who knows, with my luck it probably would have made me miserable. I don't want to write anymore it's late. Tomorrow I'll really write. (And practice, and meditate.) I've got (sigh) get back into the swing of things.

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