Psychopathia Dyschronialis

Psychopathia Dyschronialis and related problems

Dyschronia is a little-known but growing problem in the world today. In the same family of disorders as is dyslexia, this abnormality usually involves a complete loss of any sense of time. In its most common form, the primary symptoms are noticed when the victim fails to show up at work. Or at home.

Here, then, is a taxonomy of the known forms of dyschronia. Don't waste as much time reading it as I spent writing it!

-- Dr. Ty M. Waster, M.n.M.

Maciatic Dyschronia: This is the classic, most well-known type of dyschronia. Affecting mostly women, its symptoms appear in the following context: the victim enters a store "for five minutes" and an hour or two or three pass. When she comes out, she is amazed that the time of day is more than five minutes later than when she entered. Discovered, documented, and made profitable by Drs. William H. Macy and Bryant Gimbal.
Enephelitic Dyschronia: This type affects mostly men; it is also called football dyschronia, despite the fact that it is unrelated to either the feet of the sufferers ... or their balls (as far as we know). Outbreaks of enephelitic dyschronia tend to peak most years in mid-winter (late January, usually), where the most virulent form is known as Super Ebola.
Quaking Dyschronia (Croft's Disease): Characterized by a quaking or twitching, mostly of the fingers, this syndrome was discovered by archeologist Dr. Lara Croft, in an obscure tomb in Venice.
Debugging Dyschronia: 99% of the patients with this type of dyschronia are software engineers. It usually involves sitting in front of a computer screen and typing a few characters every five minutes, otherwise apparently doing nothing. For hours and hours.
Fernseher's Dyschronia: The above three dyschronias are examples of Fernseher's dyschronia, so-called because they all involve sitting in front of a box and doing nothing useful. The victim might as well be sitting and staring at a fern, for all the good the "activity" does either the patient or society.
Feline Dyschronia: This form causes its victims to spend 14 to 16 hours a day asleep. They tend to awaken only a couple of hours before dawn, and proceed to ensure that everyone else in their household is also awake.
Clanciform Dyschronia: Sometimes called "the disease of King's", this type involves small square flat objects with hundreds of thin sheets inside, bound together. The victim sits and stares at these, until he's late for work. Or misses it altogether that day. Discovered on a red day a few Octobers ago.
Group Dyschronias: Described by Dr. D. "Spud" Quayle and Emiliano Dilberto, this family of dyschroniatic disorders affects groups of people, in all kinds of meetings -- committees, working groups in office settings, and even non-working groups like the US Congress.

Related pathologies

Mallzheimer's Disease -- I forgot what the symptoms are...
Tintinnitis -- involves a small white dog and a weird comic-boy
punctuality -- rumored, but never actually observed condition where the lack of time sense is so acute that the victim has no choice but to wear a watch and be places on time.
Mulderia Gullibilia -- the belief that "The X-Files" is a documentary. It is suspected that a fox is somehow involved. Perhaps related to an 18th-century British practice, where several men on horses and a dozen hounds attempt to prove their superiority over a possum-like creature with a brain the size of a chicken's.
procrastinatius alduit-leiterus -- I'll describe this in another paper.