i am stupidtom dot com

Thursday, August 30, 2001

@home is down! I’m on a dial-up account now and it’s an emergency backup. No time to blog. I hope that things will be back to normal tomorrow. I know some people had trouble with Stupidtom today and it’s all related. This cable company can is going to get a size 14 up somewhere if they are not careful. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Wednesday, August 29, 2001

So I’m sitting in a retirement home waiting on a meeting and this awesomely cranky old man sat down next to me. He started in on everything from the weather to politics. Nothing was good about anything. He was cracking me up because no matter what I brought up he had something bad to say. I even tried candy and ice cream (these are my old people standbys) he told me that they only let him have that crappy hard candy, and ice cream just doesn’t taste as good as it used to. I had to now, was he always this cranky? What the hell kind of question was that!? He explained that I’d be the same way if I outlived my family and friends. I told him that I’d probably be looking for someone to play a game with or just BS. That opened a floodgate about all of the old people he lived with that just sit around and gossip. We ended up talking for about 15 minutes and he convinced me that if I ever live that long crab-ass isn’t the worst way to be. I had a lot more fun with him than the Alzheimer’s patients that I frequently drive. If I ever contract that particular disease, I know that in a moment of clarity I will remember to take myself out. It’s not as hard as Dr. Death would have you believe. However, I’ll explain my preferred exit at a later date. Back to my original story, I will do everything I can to let life beat me down into a pile of shitty attitude. Or, maybe I’ll try and be the person that other people want to talk to so I don’t have to corner every stranger that wanders into my path. The old crabby Muppet is funny but this one was flying solo and it made me somewhat sad. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Tuesday, August 28, 2001

I’m not sure if I like the added pressure of being someone’s writing mistress. Identify yourself before this drives me insane. Thank you again o anonymous benefactor but this will in no way affect my writing. I was going to tell you about my soon to be patented half-a-sit-up workout but I need a few more ducks in a row. When I get my stuff together, you will be the first to know. I don’t have much other than the fact that Mark is screwing with Bart in such a way as to make me giggle with excitement. It seems that Brett is looking for a soul mate online. Please look for yourselves at: http://www.match.com/TAF/showprofile.asp?UserID=47454A49494B4A&trackingid=0. If the link doesn’t work go to match.com and search for the name zzzhitman. So Mark decides to become Amberfox http://www.match.com/usearch/results.asp?SID=EF955D09-DBF6-44E3-B9EB-DF60980CE562&TrackingID=0&Theme=5 same as before if it doesn’t work. Please join in the fun. I should have a dream mate for him by tomorrow night. I love the world wide waste if time. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Sunday, August 26, 2001

Don’t drink and calk. Stupidtom does not condone either drinking or calking by individuals underage or lacking in the prerequisite maturity. There fore if you are reading this and participate in either underage drinking or calking know that I don’t approve. And now on with the story; coming back from Spud Aid last night I decided I had enough of the bullying tactics of those pesky bees, wasps, whatever they are its bugging me. (Pun em if you got em) so I decided to calk the entire side of my entryway. This isn’t the best idea because 1 tube and a giant mess later, I found myself on my back in the bushes. While I was sealing these pests in a mass grave, I lost my balance and took a two-foot fall. Thankfully, there are not a lot of spectators out at 1:30am so at least my pride was in tact. That is until I woke up this morning to find my front door as busy as O’Hare and noticeably smashed bushes. I may have lost the battle but I will win this war. I have a small citronella candle burning just under their base to confuse the enemy as to my next move. As soon as my army surplus gas masks come in some bugs are going to pay. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Saturday, August 25, 2001

Battle of the Bee’s. I am locked in mortal combat with a colony of killer bees that have decided our crumbling brick facade is the perfect spot for a super-hive. Wearing my trusty rain gear cinched tight, I attacked calk gun in hand. Two filling attacks later and it look like Michael J Fox was calking all over my siding. They still have one entrance and as soon as Liza gets home it’s off to the ammo dump for some much needed chemical assistance. Have to be quick though because Spud Aid starts at 5:00 tonight. I need to crawl the web for killing methods. More later. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Friday, August 24, 2001

I need to drill a vent hole in my skull and the pressure is making it tough to write. I had an odd day at work and then I came home to find that Maggie and Max wanted to fight. Not literally, because I still have some confidence there but they threw a whine-a-thon in my honor. While normally anything in my honor would be greatly appreciated this was not the day. As mommy got her haircut, I was picking out the correct skull-drilling bit. It all worked out though because Liza wanted to go out with the girls and that left me to my crabby self. Nothing calms me down more than a house full of sleeping kids and nothing else going on. Aaaahhhh, now I’ll just shut this infernal machine off for the evening and drift to sleep by the light of Ron Popeel. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Thursday, August 23, 2001

Slight tangent if you please. There is a homeless woman that works the 53 interchanges in Schaumburg. I hesitate with the term homeless because she doesn’t look or feel it to me. I know I’m being insensitive and am no expert but something stinks and I don’t think it’s her. Everything is just too perfect. The cardboard sign she holds up is beat up and stained but well written and perfectly legible. Her cloths are a little dirty but up-close she doesn’t have any of the common skin troubles that plague the homeless. Alone this is nothing, but add in the facts that her sign is begging for food and clothing for her kids and she is biggie sized. Naturally I asked her where they were (OK I’ll admit it I stopped and was going to offer to buy something for the kids until she set off the spider sense) she mumbled around so I pushed it and asked names and ages. She walked to the next car in line. If I had unlimited free time I would follow this woman and confront her lying no kid having size of Kansas ass. But because I’m too busy I have just decided to haunt her until she produces some hungry homeless kids or drives to some other suburb. That’s my other problem, she is hustling around Woodfield, and I’m no expert but I think they frown on people living in the doorways over there. Maybe the family camps in Busse woods and she just walks over to get money during the day. If she was truly on foot she would weigh half as much because the walk from her overpass to get a Twinkie is at least a mile. If you happened to see her while you’re out and about stop and ask about her family. I’m becoming obsessed. Did I mention that I have a new route into work that takes me past her spot. Problems, if I don’t have enough I go out looking. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Wednesday, August 22, 2001

Back from commercials and on with the tease story. Along with mother natures water torture on Saturday I had the pleasure of spying on a guy I grew up with. I say spying because it sounds better than “watching while desperately hoping he doesn’t see me”. The subject of my surveillance is one of the second friends I made after we came to Illinois. This should help those in the know figure it out without using a name. Back on track, after I confirmed the subject’s identity I considered walking up to say hi. I immediately flashed to the last time I ran into him at a bar 6 years ago and dropped that idea immediately. It turns out that I was part of the reason that his life didn’t turn out quite the way he wanted. Now, I’m a big fan of making contact with the past. I actually joined that classmate’s thing because so many people kept dropping in on me that I decided to join in the fun. I’ve floated 6 what’s ups out there and have talked to 2. Not bad for catching up with people you haven’t spoken with for 18+ years. OK, I end up realizing exactly who this person is by his mannerisms from about 60 yards away. It has been forever since we were close but I think it was Steven King in Stand By Me who wrote about never really have friends again like the ones when you 10. Maybe it is because at that stage in our lives our friends are our worlds. I became caught up in 26-year-old memories and did not want to have it ruined by an awkward “hey, how’s it going”. If we could have just sat down and played penny-ante poker as a warm-up; but I didn’t feel like feeling bad about losing touch. It’s weird the stories you remember when you’re completely bored and spying on someone. This kid and I once lit an entire field on fire trying to burn a baseball field into it. I still remember burying the new jacket he ruined in another field so his mom would never find out. There were a couple of hundred more but this will get old quick. The best thing about this spy mission was the fact that for the first time in the twenty plus years of bumping into him he looked happy. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Monday, August 20, 2001

It has become increasingly difficult to kill small animals and pets in our area. I think some of my neighbors are getting suspicious. I shouldn’t have taken that dog so close to home in the first place but I guess you live and learn. I wish I could stop myself but… hey mom, learning a little more than you wanted to? I was just going to bitch about my computer problems but I figured I scare you a little to start. If you want to stop coming to this page I’ll completely understand. My therapy sessions are becoming a little crowded as more people find subtle ways to ask questions that I leave hanging. Brandy you know who you are. Back to mom. I think it bothers me that you are here because I successfully hid most of this crap for so long it seems like a shame to open the curtain at this late date. It’s just getting harder to put my fingers in my ears and chant lalalala until it seems like no one is around again. Cousin and Aunt this weekend went great except working Thursday into Friday on the ambulance put me asleep 5 minutes after we came back from dinner. The Million in the rain was a little slice of heaven on Saturday and I only came away with 2 major issues. 1 I will write about tomorrow (how’s that for a tease? This is getting sick.) And the other was suppressing the urge to tackle a race patron and twist her ankle. Then, humiliate her and see if she holds up as well as her 6 year old daughter did. The only other revenge I could think of was hold her still while her little girt poked her face with a stick but I didn’t want to get anything on me. Enough nonsence; back to the ritual murder of defenseless animals. Have a good day mom. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Saturday, August 18, 2001

Barney the computer just needs a little TLC. I’m taking him out of service tomorrow and might even attempt a windows 2000 upgrade. I don’t really know about this because I used a number of nonstandard parts but the best way to learn is to royally screw something up. Yesterday kind of got away from me because I went back into work Thursday night at 11 and wound up on an ambulance until 4:30 Friday afternoon. This old man has to so some extra sleeping and maybe even some stretching before I can handle 45 minutes of sleep. Nothing cool just no sleep. I drove code the day before and soaked myself with sweat. That has to be a complete rant in itself because people just don’t give a shit. Anyway, I’m still way tired and am off to work the Arlington Million. I hope everyone feels great today because I don’t feel like doing one dam thing. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Thursday, August 16, 2001

Sorry about last night, every once and a while my computer has to remind me that I assembled it and I faked my way through it. Everything in this beast was either taken from an old machine or part of some closeout sale. I didn’t even name it. The case was a $35 as-is close out I think because it’s purple. Upon seeing the new housing Maggie declared that its name was Barney. The cdrom drive I had was and is beige and she wants to paint it green. (like Barney’s tummy) I know, its no wonder this thing acts up, but it works like a champ MOST of the time. But its back and so am I. Katie and Max have some sort of stomach fungus so last night was a barrel of laughs. Will the ecstasy of parenthood never cease? Back to Maggie, a good one Tuesday and I wasn’t around to see it. After a picnic in the backyard, Liza asked Katie to watch Max while she cleaned up. Utilizing her gnat like attention span Kate quickly drifted from her duty and went back to the tire swing. As Liza looked outback she saw Maggie pick max up and carry him toward the house. She opened the basement door, set him inside, and scrambled back to her play area. Liza put him down for his nap and looked out to see Katie frantically looking for her brother. Maggie in a surprising flash of goodwill told on herself but had no idea where he went after she crammed him in the stairwell. She went back to her dolls and Katie shifted into full panic. Luckily Liza cut it off before the tears started and all was again well. Hey, uh oh. There is a new noise coming from inside the case so I think it’s time for a peek. Last time I had a new noise there was a juice box straw buzzing in the exhaust fan. I’ll let you know. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Tuesday, August 14, 2001

Hey I need to cheat because there is a company newsletter deadline and I’m under the gun. You guys are going to get the basis for my article this month. A follow-up piece to my award winning “ICE” article, this is my ode to the cup. I have to give Eric some credit even though he called me Lyle Alzado for my decrease in girth. (It’s not nice to pick on a man’s boyhood idol even if said same idol didn’t exit the planet gracefully.) Begin cheating: I let you all know about the importance of quality ice but as a friend of mine pointed out I neglected a crucial element; the container. This is the most important decision you will make (aside from your ice source) so it requires some planning. The first thing you need to consider is where you’re going to use your container. If it’s just around the house or in the office you need to need to take the sweating into consideration. There is never a coaster around when you need one so insulation is the key. Find as much as possible. If none is available use the following cups, Plastic, Styrofoam, Wax-coated paper, and finally paper. This order mainly pertains to long term stability. This is especially key if you are going to use the cup in the ambulance. Nothing worse than a pop you couldn’t get back to for an hour that has worked its way through the sides and bottom of your cup. By the way, there is no perfect system for an ambulance or medicar. The big bulky ones that are the most secure take up way too much room. The small efficient looking holders are basically useless. I’m to the point where my old laptop bag is the best I have found. It will hold every bit of paperwork I need plus the other side can accommodate all cups except the whopper. The whopper also known as Goliath can currently be found at most major purveyors of pop. Never pay more than $3.99 for a new cup and it should always include your first fill. The current ounce high mark is 64. The cups are much bigger because they now include a much needed insulation layer. This makes it possible to still have ice at the end of your shift. I know it’s a little different for me but those of you who feel stupid carrying that tub of liquid around they do make smaller sizes. The next step in huge pop evolution will include a design that will stay up in a golf cart or on a boat. I have a feeling some type of self righting gyroscope is in development. Obviously the next in this hard hitting series will be on preferred bathroom stops while on duty. Stay tuned. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Monday, August 13, 2001

A hospital golf outing sapped most of my energy then I had to call in the reserves because I promised to take the girls downtown for ice cream when I got home. We had a good time, and as I’m so fond of saying “Word is Bond”. Luckily the bathtub thing was taken care of prior to my homecoming so it was lights out soon after we returned. My eldest daughter is just beginning to be embarrassed by her father. This is my dream come true. While dancing to whatever music they happened to have in their cd player before bed has become somewhat of a tradition, Katie calling me weird is new. I still crack Maggie up but Kate is beginning to see the potential for disaster. This poor child is in so much trouble at the first school dance they ask for parental chaperone help. I’m soooo excited! I think this is where my minor MTV obsession comes from. As another of my current favorite sayings “Finger on the Pulse” will one day grant me legendary status among parents. I listen to insync and bsb and they have to put up with my Kid Rock and Female R&B/HipHop selections. My “oldies” don’t meet with as much resistance as gospel but they run neck and neck. As long as I can make a connection with the artist, I like the music. The one exception is classical. Anything pre Benny Goodman is pretty much lost on me. Jazz fusion was ruined because I used to listen to it to go to sleep. There is nothing better than trying to make sense out of chaos to take your mind off of the day. So jazz tends to make my narcolepsy flair up. Back to embarrassing Kate. The best is singing along with the bad dance. This is why it’s imperative that I remain current and connected. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Sunday, August 12, 2001

It is a beautiful day today and I can’t seem to climb out of this funk. I’ve had this cloud following me around since 6:30 this morning. I’m not sure what exactly has crawled up my ass, but it had better pass soon or I’m going to get angry. I have no idea what is going on. Today is a little goofy because Liza has to work 6:00am to Noon and then 6:00pm until 11:00. But that has happened before and it didn’t really bum me out. Besides, Sunday night is MTV garbage that she doesn’t like anyway. The Jackass power hour is a can’t miss for me. I also have some work to do but that is pretty standard as well. Maybe it’s the whole equity loan to pay off our entire debt thing isn’t working out completely as planned. I don’t think that’s it either because rarely do my financial fantasy and reality collide. This is a puzzle that I’m making worse by dwelling on it. Enough, Max just woke up and I’ll get everyone back outside. Before I go I have to give a site recommendation that is pure entertainment. Classmates.com is spectacular no matter how you slice it. I can’t stop reading the message boards because I’m just that way but I know there is something for everyone. It has also helped me find some lost souls that I needed connections with. Highly recommended. I’ve got to go, I can just make out climbing sounds. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Saturday, August 11, 2001

I have a question. Is it too early to start hating boys that pay too much attention to Katie? She is almost nine but really has no clue. I need some guidance here because I don’t want to start the scary crazy dad stuff too early because it may loose its effectiveness. I’m having more and more trouble holding the part of me back that wants to charge into the pack of them and make an example. There is one in particular that likes the occasional arm around her shoulder. He’s a little older but still well within the tom goes straight to jail range. I’m not a big fan of his dad so maybe I’ll take that route. Finally except one of his offers to play basketball, let things get out of hand, drag him around out front where everyone can see. That kind of thing if played right could last all the way through high school. (making the community service well worth it) maybe I should wait, because I’m finding that I can’t fully trust some of you do-gooders and your tattling to my wife. Enough already. She knows I’m an idiot and won’t really blow a gasket until I see Katie on a date. Not to worry with Maggie, I know some people that work with the department of corrections and am looking into house arrest equipment. Back to the neighborhood boys to finish up. I don’t trust a single one of them. I learned early that girls and there parents trusted the nice, polite kid. I also know how my mind worked / works. The Richie Cunninghams are going to have a tougher time with me than the Fonzies ever will. The girls are going back outside so I have to go out and pretend to do more yard work. Maybe if I actually worked on the lawn… no, it’s too hard to pay attention to both. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Thursday, August 09, 2001

In a bold move by the crabgrass cartel to halt my development of the lawn of the future they seem to have scattered patches of this eyesore all over my front yard. This would have been better played earlier in the year because crabgrass does have some appeal but I am officially tommycloverseed and am in no mood to change. I did find myself amazed at the ultra green color holding up in this extreme heat but the mighty clover is just as robust. So, nice try crabgrass guys, but you’ll have to find yourselves another shill. Speaking of lawns, I am more than willing to rent my backyard out to any interested film crews. Right now it would make a perfect “hostile alien world” of “post apocalyptic landscape”. Come on by and scout it for yourselves. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Wednesday, August 08, 2001

In honor of George’s birthday I am going to be brief. I know that doesn’t really make much sense but I had an incredibly long day and don’t have much to say. I am supposed to be sitting in the heat at this very moment listening to Los Lobos with Sammy and Sissy. I lost the 3 other people that were supposed to go with me and I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit, sweat, drink, and then drive back from Ravinia by myself. So here I sit, typing with nothing to say but fulfilling my obligation. I’ll leave you with a bit of free-form poetry. The sun on my fat smells like bacon, Bald heads never stop sweating, Thinking cool thoughts is giving me a headache, Nothing smells good when it’s humid, I love the person who invented air-conditioning. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Tuesday, August 07, 2001

I have recently been accused of being a bit of an exaggerator. Guilty as charged. I am completely full of shit, but, the stories I tell are all based on fact if not completely true. If I use quotes then either I or the person I’m talking about said it. For example; when the person that wrote me with this semi-truthful accusation they said “how can all of this happen to one person?” I chose to answer here rather than start a private fight that I will just have to talk about later. My best explanation is that thousands of things happen to everyone every day. The difference is that the average person can tune most of it out. By the way dipshit and I should have started with this, GO AWAY. Ok back to my brain. I can’t help it, some things just stick. Examples from today: the guy’s name at the gas station was Fakir. Did someone check his references because that is too damn close to faker? I still don’t know why you’d lie on a speedway application but that’s not important right now. Another thing was this guy walking in the 100 degree heat in a full suit and a briefcase on the side of a road that had no discernable destination for at least a mile. What was his deal? It’s still bugging me so I have made up a tragic DUI death story to make myself feel better. You know, walking in an oven is better than jail. Bla bla bla. I saw a pair of pants on the median that is chipping away at the back of my head and the kid at the White Hen had scars on his face that looked like he was mauled by a tiger. So, yes I am full of it. Sometimes so much so that I have to make up a back story just to sleep. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Monday, August 06, 2001

OK, I was jamming in way too many errands yesterday morning while Liza took all the kids to church. This was both exciting and a little scary. I thought I had another good year of Max and me at home watching all the pre-game hype that I love so much. Oh well, when it ends it ends. And if you believe that, I’ve got some GAP stock options that I could sell you for face value. (double the current trading price) back to the story, I’m running a little late as usual and Liza has to get to work so I am at a light jog through Dominick’s. I manage to buy almost three quarters of what my family needs and someone is looking out for me because there is an open lane! I unload about 50 things onto the belt when the checker says “Hun, could you hang this sign back up for me please?” you guessed it, the express 20 or less sign. Shit, I hate it when I’m behind an idiot and now I’m one of them. I apologized and she told me that in the morning they take the sign down because they only open one register. This doesn’t help me because now that I’ve replaced the sign there is a line of 5 or 6 cranky people with just a few things. I turn and apologize to the nice looking elderly woman who has her paper and cat food barely crammed on the belt behind me. I mumbled my explanation but obviously it wasn’t good enough because she had to start loud talking in my general direction so everyone could hear. The clerk came to my aid and tried to explain but she cut her off telling her that she just didn’t want any trouble. This made me smile which made the older woman angry and she turned and started a “can you believe…” with the gentleman behind her. I’m done, my debit card is processing, I’m not really looking for a fight as my entire family sits in church, so I’m going to gather my receipt and go. Nope. She has to go and try for the last word(s). she got me with a pretty good “doesn’t look like you needed all that food” so I countered with “I’ll bet they have some kind of crackers on sale to make your cat food go down a little easier” that’s the point when I realized that the clerk was shaking the receipt at me. I signed and started to walk out because my card was already leaving with the mentally challenged gentleman who bagged my stuff. I followed him out wondering if I needed to tip a guy that cart-napped me when I turned to see her flip me off. She couldn’t have made me happier if she had thrown money at me. Note to myself: If you want to survive the mean streets of elderly AH you need to bring your “A” game. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Sunday, August 05, 2001

As I walked around my mostly dead back yard this morning I noticed that the only real greenery left was my lawn of the future. I figured that I’d better get this written down some where so that when its time to claim my title I will have proof. That’s right, I will be known throughout the land as Tommy Cloverseed. Think what you want but this stuff is the best ground cover available. Clover is almost indestructible, soft, and literally grows like a weed. I know this doesn’t fall in with the mainstream idea of a lawn but who really has time for all of that nonsense? Clover is no-muss no-fuss and during the spring you get a yard full of pretty purple and white flowers. If you want a live example of just how good a completely clover lawn can look I need another year. As it stands I still have about forty percent of that ugly grass left in my back yard. By next summer I should be all clover all the time. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Saturday, August 04, 2001

Yesterday got away from me because we had a little going away party at the track that ended up moving on to a bar. Being the pillar of self control that I am I had to join in and make sure that things got weird. I can’t go into details as to protect the innocent, but I’ll break out some details and let your imaginations fill in. strike that, I’ll just give some do’s and don’ts from the evening. Do stick with the same drink all night, I’m sure the people that did feel much better than I do right now. Do not let Nancy hold money for you. Do try and keep a straight face if someone asks you if they look all right. Do not react when you turn and don’t immediately realize that the person you are being introduced to is a Jockey. Do get people to reveal as much blackmail material as possible. Don’t announce your intentions to use it. Do sneak out if at all possible. Do not wait at the valet when you parked your car yourself. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Thursday, August 02, 2001

I need to clear a few things up for some of our more sensitive friends. My problem with Pat is long gone. It took me a couple of days to shake but I was caught unaware that he had a drinking alter ego. Now I have lived with Cecil ever since I went away to college. In fact Sammy brought Cecil with him to visit me on a couple of occasions. Cecil and I even had a fist fight after he and his traveling companions tipped a port-o-potty over on its door with someone in it. After rescuing the poor party guest, I looked around for my brother and his friends with no luck. I was informed that they went out with “The General” and I knew nothing good could come of that lineup. This was not the best influence on these high school guys and when they got back to the party I was pretty cranked up. I had visions in my head of some drunken liquor store robbery with a side trip out to the bars. It turned out that after being rejected by the drinking establishments and a few near fights in various parking lots they decided to come back to the party. I should mention that this was a charity bash and we were charging admission to the two hundred or so people that were attending. Words were exchanged and Cecil called me out. When we got to the field next to my house he sucker punched me in the mouth and the next thing I remember is climbing off of him with sore hands and I was amazed at the amount of people that followed us into the field. I heard a lot of “that’s his brother” mumbling as we walked back to the party together. Enough Cecil, I need to get back to Pat. I think the thing that bothered me the most was that I read him completely wrong. I consider myself a student of humanity and I pride myself on my correct initial impressions. I always considered Pat as a laidback, liberal, funny guy, that didn’t take much outside of sports too seriously. He has a Buffalo Grove High School number savant thing that still amazes me to this day. Whenever I did see him get bent it was always on the border of a joke. I’m rambling so I’ll stop with an attempt at a summation. I overreacted because I completely missed the little Archie Bunker that was hiding inside of Pat. 12:00:00 AM    says you