i am stupidtom dot com

Sunday, September 30, 2001

I love Sundays. There is nothing better than watching all of the pre-game hype while reading ads for things I want and can’t afford. Today is a true day of focus for me as my favorite sport merges with my favorite thing to do, nothing. Sure, some problems can arise on any given Sunday, your teams can get crushed, your kids could have some obligation that take you away from your precious TV but on average it’s all good. This morning’s curve ball came as I snuggled in to the Best Buy ad and by the time I had mentally spent $20,000.00 Max had dumped out the entire contents of a Raisin Bran box. Thoughts of a shake free television had me so giddy that the bran/sand box didn’t really bother me. Cleanup was just a minor pain in the ass compared to the sorry state of our fantasy football team. Only one other minor crisis as there was only one poptart in the house. Solomon stupidtom split it up just in time to prevent injury. No other ass pain to report. Gametime. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Friday, September 28, 2001

I’m really trying to get happy but it’s getting harder to do when I’m alone. I have this reoccurring role as cheerleader at work that forces a good mood on me even when I just want to slap everyone on the forehead. I don’t mind it so much because its very challenging to cheer people up that have had their day go completely blotto. That’s not the problem as much as absolutely everyone I come across needs the friendly me and that makes evil-stupidtom very cranky. I get a little enjoyment out of the half hour of road rage I experience every day on the way home but I have to tell you it’s just not satisfying. It’s also not fair for my family to get a-hole tom just because I’ve been smiling like an automaton all day. At least the smiles with them are always genuine. My kids endlessly crack me up and their mother is no slouch in the “what the hell were you thinking” department. Four days in a row, I have come home to a cold house with no hot water. This is because no matter what obstacles I put in Max’s way he figures out how to shut off the furnace and turn down the water heater. Now you are probably asking yourselves the same thing I ask every day about him getting this done with out being detected. The common belief among those home during the day is that from time to time he can make himself invisible. I on the other hand am convinced that he now has some help. Maggie is not going to let mischief with someone else’s name already on it go undone. Lets just see how they both do against the walls I’m starting next week. If you are reading this and I was just nice to you, I probably didn’t want to slap your forehead but try and do some cheering up on your own. The big fat funny guy may go on a slapping spree and you have no idea how long those finger marks stay on your forehead. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Thursday, September 27, 2001

Ok, web page problems along with this dam house falling down around me are beginning to wear me down. I get a huge kick out of this Stupidtom thing just because it is so stupid. In fact, this is one of the few things in my life that I have complete control over and it makes me nuts when it stops working. The other problem is that I don’t really check on it very much so it takes someone complaining for me to know there is a problem. I know you’re thinking “who gives a crap, write some more stuff proving how close to crazy you are” but this is all part of the big picture. Why do I even care about a nine-dollar web site? The shrink in my head tells me that I have a need to create and this satisfies it on many levels. Who knows, but broken will not cut it. That dam free message board is out! Not only did some of the ads take you to shaved dogs in heat dot com, but also it worked every other day. In keeping with the strict under nine-dollar policy, I am reverting to Yahoo Clubs. The new club is on its own page so please sign up. Use a valid email address so I can send group email and exchange files. I promise that I will close the curtain and go back to my rambling tomorrow. I’m trying to download the book of counted sorrows and having a pile of trouble. Does anyone else just need to see something blow up? 12:00:00 AM    says you

Wednesday, September 26, 2001

This site needs an update. Besides this pile of almost daily nonsense, I need to post some more pictures and other content. I apologize for getting lazy but sleep has become a priority. I want to include things that you people send me. Sarah has become busy so her constant stream has slowed to a trickle. I was very excited last night because Katie had me start wordpad so she could write a story. As soon as she finishes, up it goes. Time to go talk about the thing again as she just realized that it was the day after her birthday. I think she was kidding but she just said, “the day after my birthday is a tragedy.” Daddy time. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Tuesday, September 25, 2001

I’m having a slight problem bringing my life into focus. I have a strange nagging feeling that I was meant for greater things. This may just be the eruption of a suppressed ego but I think I might need to find some time to volunteer somewhere. That coupled with a recent need for some extra money are making for quite a peaceful existence. Recent current events have probably heightened my floating through life feelings but knowing that is not helping me sleep. Maybe I’ll search the internet for volunteer positions that help people while providing a substantial supplemental income that will allow me to work out some of my aggression in a physical manor. Sounds simple enough. I just need a soup kitchen that turns into a terrorist interrogation room between meals. I’m starting to make less sense that usual so I’d better go try and get some sleep. Last night it only took me two hours to drop off. I’m a mess. Any ideas let me know. Hey, I’d even do the interrogating thing gratis. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Sunday, September 23, 2001

It really should be harder to be a critic. There is no current penalty for flapping your lips in order to make someone else look or feel bad and I think that’s a shame. Gone are the days when an inconsiderate word might be rewarded with a punch in the face. That is one of the few things that I would look foreword to if the world was turned upside down for a while and we all had to revert to an old west mentality. My point is that a lot of the thought has gone out of the criticism process. There was actually a time in this country when you didn’t have to worry about your wife or children encountering a super sized helping of someone’s verbal vomit. Nevertheless, if they did it was acceptable to go hunting. But I digress. I’m actually talking about myself on this one because I disguise a lot of my criticism behind “just kidding”. I’m working hard on changing this cowardly practice. This will not stop the mountains of crap I will heap upon those that want to play. I hope that cutting down on my running mouth will intensify those moments when I need to call upon my powers of verbal abuse. The case in point is the graduation ceremony that I attended last night where the person running it did an outstanding job. I can’t just tell him how impressed I am, no, I have to make fun of the decorations and some poor design choices on the programs. I would rather feel guilty about making an idiot cry after taking the two easy shots at me (bald & fat) than feel like a wussy for verbally knocking someone down just because I can. Don’t take this as a complete turn around because I am still a huge proponent of corrective shit-blowing. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Saturday, September 22, 2001

I have to be brief today because I think I just saw a lion in my backyard but it was hard to tell because the grass is so high. I think the neighbors are getting a little tired of my African savanna look so it’s back to the same old crew cut. At least the birds will be happy again because the grubs will be accessible without nagging fear of snake attack. I’ll have to admit a little if they don’t like it why don’t they come and mow it but that’s not fair because I would chemical mow a lawn that was annoying me. Nothing better than a MOW ME of dead grass that you can read from a traffic helicopter. So before any of my neighbors get wise I’d better get my lazy ass mowing. I have to give a quick congratulations to my next door neighbors. They have developed a strain of clover (lawn of the future) that is growing in a perfect semicircle. I’ll admit that I am jealous because this is exactly what will allow us to gain acceptance. Who wouldn’t want a semicircle of self-mowing indestructible clover slowly taking over their back yard? I have resigned myself to share the credit with them once we have control of the entire neighborhood. I’m rambling because my max free mow window is closing fast. Sorry about not making much sense but my mind is not completely in the game right now. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Friday, September 21, 2001

Today at work, things were a little tense and I may have inadvertently taken it out on an innocent. This person drove in to possibly buy one of our used medicars. I was stuck in the middle of a very long day as the salesman. Let me preface this with the fact that I’m very uncomfortable selling anything with hundreds of thousands of miles on it to some unsuspecting sap who wants to cart his wife around. I was doing my best to point him at the rig and run but he kept asking me questions. I answered as best as I could but tried to excuse myself because I had a lot to do. That’s when he started to get shitty. He proceeded to get loud about the guy on the phone who told him that we had vans for sale that would fit in his garage. Now I have put a few of these gems in castle stupidtom’s spacious single car garage with minimal sucking in of my gut so I know it can be done. He then tells me that he measured his garage door and it was six foot three inches off the ground. I let that hang because I didn’t believe him. He kept raising his voice about the people here wasting his time and he asked the rhetorical question that was both of our mistakes. He said, “What am I supposed to do now?” I told him that it sounded like he needed something more along the lines of a clown car that he could use to tow a wheel chair. Mean, yes. Deserved, maybe. Made me feel better, definitely. It turns out that I was absent on a number of critical days during my formal education. I missed the day that guaranteed I would like everyone I would ever work with, and I was also absent on everything always works out in my favor day. I think I’m lucky because I go into every situation expecting the worst and anything above that is a bonus. My only regret is that I wrecked someone’s day just because I was having a bad one. That is just plain wrong and I want to change that about myself in the worst way. Therefore, if you’re out there wants to but a brand new vehicle for no money that will fit in your pint sized garage guy, I am truly sorry. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Thursday, September 20, 2001

The official rule about not talking about this crap has been broken and I’m glad it was. I had a message on my cell phone saying that someone couldn’t get on to stupid tom but they mentioned a page that I did not put up. It seems that someone was trying to wrestle this coveted name away from me and if you’re out there, I want to say SOLD! Let’s talk money. I’m at a rough $100.00 all in cost so we should start at a multiple of that. (Everyone be quiet for a while I’m negotiating.) I actually have no idea why you would want this domain name but I’m more than happy to part with it. There has to be something else out there that would be easy for my family and friends to remember. I know the counter numbers aren’t very high but there does seem to be some interest outside of my immediate circle. By the way did I mention that the counter is reset monthly. (Once again everyone out there just bare with this boring but completely truthful negotiation.) I just want to sat that while it will be a little challengeing, I’m ready to move, for the right price. Please send email to iwantthisnomatterthecost@stupidtom.com 12:00:00 AM    says you

Tuesday, September 18, 2001

No real time to blog tonight as I am helping Liza prepare fore her religion class. My fingers are on fire as we speak. I have to dip them back in the bucket of sand so I finish before she gets back from work. Then, I’m on call from midnight until 06:00. Lots o sleep in my future. Night night. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Monday, September 17, 2001

I’m trying to not be so wrapped up in this whole revenge thing but there is an angry part of me that won’t let go. I think I’ll just look for some random quotes that make me feel a little better. 1st up: "I fear that we have awakened the sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve." -- Admiral Yamamoto after the attack on Pearl Harbor 12:00:00 AM    says you

Sunday, September 16, 2001

I’m through with the terrorism garbage until it all calms down. A news reporter got me all choked up on the radio talking about the kids that didn’t get picked up from daycare. There is nothing worse than almost crying in the car just before you go into work. Normally I’m a big fan of a good cry but my size precludes it from being anything but comedy for anyone that crosses my path. It’s weird now that I know more people are reading this my comfort level has dropped. This is going to require a new Stupidtom rule; No face to face discussion of blogs from now on. Email comments or message board ripping is fine but a public anything is unacceptable. I feel better. That’s it, I’m out. Like most people, I want revenge and that’s not going to change no matter how much I write or complain. I might as well smash my TV because I can’t seem to get away from it. I don’t like feeling bad all of the time. The networks should go back to as normal as possible to help people cope. The true junkies can get their fixes from the ALL NEWS affiliates. Every network has one and they need to use them. This is really about my wasting so much time watching and learning absolutely nothing new. I am now completely numb to the individual stories of tragedy and loss. I think this over saturation will ultimately hurt the situation. People need time to process information so throw in a few stupid sitcoms and I will feel much better about walking away from the TV. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Thursday, September 13, 2001

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country. My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man. John F. Kennedy (1917 - 1963), Inaugural address, 1961 The treatment for Cancer is complete removal utilizing any and every means currently at your disposal. Terrorism is Cancer. Stupidtom, Pissed, 2001 12:00:00 AM    says you

Wednesday, September 12, 2001

Everyone that sent email, I’m sorry. This is the first time I’ve turned on the computer in two days. I have so much to say to everyone that my brain is locking up. Is anyone else really tired? 12:00:00 AM    says you

Monday, September 10, 2001

All right, we’re having a baby and an army of doctors, interns and nurses, surround me. Did I mention that at this point I’m experiencing that deep sense of scared that puts you in a weird “not happening to me” state of mind. I remember thinking how strange it was that Liza was being so brave while all I wanted to do was cry. I thought I was floating through a bad dream until one of her contractions fought through the epidural and my fingers began to separate. This wasn’t how babies were supposed to be born, why in the hell was this happening to us and how much tuition money was wasted on this gang of assholes. It seemed like I started to get comfortable with the fact that I knew as much as everyone in the room when BANG! Katie was born. As soon as she came out her cord was cut and three doctors were assessing her. They rushed her over to the warming isolet where 4 people began cleaning her up and helping her breathe. I remember how scary she looked with her eyes all swollen shut and her body about 1/3 the size of what I expected. I was unaware that the female genitalia did not develop outer protection until just before birth so I was looking at what I perceived as the most horrifying birth defect in history. I was kind of in shock when Liza’s voice cut through all the loud rapid talking in the room and asked me if she was OK. I said yes but it was not my best lying effort because my voice cracked and I didn’t get it all out. When I turned back around, they were out the door running with the cart so I followed my daughter out the door screaming to Liza that everything was fine. They franticly worked on her for an hour before a very nice nurse sent me back upstairs to calm my worried wife down. I stopped on the way up to vomit and cry. After I pulled myself together, it was all smiles about our beautiful new almost 3-pound baby girl. I learned more about my wife, the world, and myself than I ever wanted to know. The next three months living at the hospital while Katie tried to finish developing in an isolet was a lesson that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I have to admit once again that Liza is much stronger than I am. There were days that I couldn’t bear the thought of going to see my little girl with tubes in her nose and throat, IV’s in her hands feet and head, but Liza wouldn’t even listen to my pathetic whining and just go. I don’t think I ever lasted in the house for more than 5 minutes alone but part of me just wanted to sleep until she could come home. I know this is long so I’ll cut to the fact that bringing her home was another set of life lessons. You don’t sleep much watching a cardiac monitor attached to your headboard waiting for the alarm to sound and hoping that a lead has moved out of place. She slept in the middle of our bed until her 1st birthday. All of her health problems cleared up except one pesky “lazy” eye and if that was all, I knew we hit the lottery. Everything is great with my as of today 9-yearold. I couldn’t have asked for a better outcome for this long winded tail. There is more to tell but I have another year to remember and I’m sure I can remember more in that amount of time. Happy Birthday Katie, the best things in life are the ones you work the hardest for. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Sunday, September 09, 2001

HEY, I need some content for the pages they are getting stale. Email things to whateveryouwanttocallme@stupidtom.com. Thank you for your support. I miss those Bartles &James guys. Yikes! Nine years ago, Eric came up from Kentucky to stay with us for the Fantasy draft. The night after Liza started Labor way too early I think it was our 26th week. I never said goodbye to Eric as we spent the next five days in the hospital. I always get sappy around Katie’s birthday so strap in tomorrow or tune out. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Friday, September 07, 2001

I can’t talk now because it’s draft day. I need to stay awake and concentrate on tomorrows picks so I am free to drink before during and after the draft. Tomorrow starts with golf at 11:00am so I have a lot of work ahead of me. Probably more Saturday night. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Thursday, September 06, 2001

I’m starting to rethink this whole blog thing. Rather than reduce my stress it has decided to add to it. Some days this is such a colossal pain in the ass to sit down for 15 minutes and write that I contemplate quitting once a week. Then after I finish (even the short and stupid), I feel like I’ve accomplished something at the end of the day. So after a pretty good roll of missing just one day in two weeks I finally get around to checking my work (actually looking at the site) and find that roughly an hour of my time has disappeared into the either. This forces me to write scathing hate mail to the hippies that blog and it all builds from there. I’m working on part of that from my end. From now on, I’ll write in word and paste into the Blogger web page. At least if something goes breech with the blog I’ll have backup to republish when the planets realign. I really like doing this because it allows me to remember stupid little things that I would otherwise forget. I’ve had a number of good suggestions come in and I promise to use at least one right away; at the end of the week I’ll try and provide “the rest of the story” for anything that I might have left hanging out during the week. Look for that most Monday mornings. Thanks for the help. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Wednesday, September 05, 2001

what the "h" "e" double hockey sticks is going on here?! I've posted Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and only the Sunday shows up as Monday. I need sleep, I'll write a nasty gram tomorrow. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Monday, September 03, 2001

I’ve found an outfit that I hate more than IKEA and they go by the name of HUFFY. These villains sold my parents (through their evil henchmen at Target) a portable basketball hoop with lots o’ missing parts. It’s bad enough putting one of these things together with all of the pieces and half-assed directions, but missing pieces make this impossible. Add the fact that they do include both words AND pictures on their instructions, just not on the same page, so you spend most of your time flipping from the picture page to the instruction page, to the parts page, back to the picture. Keep this up for roughly 180 individual parts and you have one giant headache. Dad and I worked on this piece of crap for three hours before we reached a point that we could go no further. This included the time that dad spent at the hardware store trying to fabricate missing pieces. Finally, it was time for them to leave and me to spend another 45 minutes figuring out exactly what was missing. Thankfully, we have a week grace period before Katie’s actual Birthday so there is time for this nonsense. Update: Mom got on the horn with Target and they let her come in and steal all of the pieces from another box. I’ve had them for a day and they have not moved from their bags so mom and dad are coming over today with the goal of finishing. My head is thumping already from getting up at 4am to go work at the track so this should be interesting. 12:00:00 AM    says you

Saturday, September 01, 2001

The web is back up but it won’t let me change the main pages. Maybe it’s just me but if I worked in a “help” center, I think I’d try to be more helpful. I know I have a bad thing going with AT&T digital phone service but no matter how much we talk, when or where to the bills are never more than$50. That’s for two lines and caller I.D. so I can put up with the occasional trouble and directory assistance having no listings for a Pizza Hut in the area. (Roughly 6 within 10 miles) but this cable company is beginning to chap my ass. I called the 24-hour tech support late last night because I couldn’t sleep anyway. At 2:00am, I expect to be one of the few losers on the phone trying to fix their internet connection. I realize that I’m battling the after bars internet porn crowd but most of them aren’t going to call @home and complain that they can’t get to their favorite golden shower page. So I spend 25 minutes to talk to someone dumber than I am. Now I know that it’s hard to get the top IT recruits to work the overnight tech support shift, but at least give the morons some tools that might be helpful. After 15 minutes of explaining his job to him, I was finally ready for bed. I told Glen I’d call back during the day and he could go back to sleep. I know he’s not smart enough to seek revenge and my problem seems to be worked out. Anyone tired home DSL? 12:00:00 AM    says you