Wednesday, October 10, 2001

Came home to a complete fishzaster in the making. I walked in through the garage and heard water running in the basement. This isn’t the worst sound because Liza’s laundry bunker is located downstairs and sometimes I think the machines run themselves. The problem was that the source of our new floor moisture was right as I walked through the door. The fish tank that we liberated from Uncle Sammy and Aunt Julies house had developed a small waterfall in the front left corner. I immediately thought there was a crack and I was already making temporary fist storage plans when I realized that there was no tank breech but the stand was failing! I heard it creek and instantly flashed to twenty gallons of fish water hitting the floor with the new residents along for the ride. Having left all of my aquatic CPR equipment at work I had to act fast. Not thinking I picked the tank up and carried it to an industrial shelf near my office. I made that sound easier than it was. About half way (5 yards), I realized just how heavy that tank is fully loaded. As I started to speed up and shake my mind flashed to, my family returning from religion classes to find stupiddad with shards of a fish tank embedded in his chest and stomach. This doesn’t even come close to my top 100 ways to die so I had to complete my task. Did I mention that I forgot to unplug everything from the wall? So, as that shit dragged over my shoulder soaking me even more, I realized just how big an idiot I am. Landed successfully, striped down to my underwear, half cleaned before anyone got home. If not for a quick visit from George, I could have set some kind of moronic record. Fish tank lessons learned so far: 1. If you’re going to take 2 days to test the tank for leaks, you should also stress test the stand. 2. If one of the fish you’re buying at the store goes belly-up while you’re in the checkout line, tell the kids that he misses his friends. The girls now know that we’re looking for independent open-minded fish that don’t need a bunch of their own kind to feel good about themselves. 3. Don’t let the obviously stoned kid get your fish, you’re asking for trouble. 12:00:00 AM    says you