Tuesday, November 13, 2001

I think my computer was feeling a little neglected the last few days because Katie was getting the bulk of my attention so it decided to throw a little fit. I know that this seems unreasonable but the computer that is way past its prime continues to chug along like a champion. I fixed its ills just in time for another wonderful @hell outage. I’m working on a new ISP but I am spoiled by the speed. Besides my computer woes, I am in a complete and total depression. I received a set of my college transcripts in the mail today and it makes me want to puke. I had put the entire school portion of college deep into the basement of my mind and these things pulled the chain that light the bulb. I had had started to believe my own bullshit and the truth of my higher education hit me like a hot poker up the wazoo. For those of you that didn’t have the distinct pleasure of knowing my college self I was basically John Belushi in Animal House with a line of bullshit. I even came complete with the loveable screw-up nickname; Buddha. (This is a short but boring story that I’ll save for a dry spell) Anyway, I had allowed myself to forget the pile of my parent’s money that I flushed down the toilet. Thinking about it again is making me sick. If I didn’t live it, I would not believe that someone could screw up such an incredible opportunity. I doubt that I’ll ever be able to apologize to my mom or dad in person because the thought of doing it truly sickens me. The real pisser is the fact that I can’t even say that I gave it my best shot and failed. I’m probably not making much sense but that is due to my increasing anxiety. Liza was home briefly as I opened them and I could barely look at her. I have this overwhelming sense of failure that I need to shake in order to function. Before you call 911 let me start out by explaining that this entire quagmire started with the simple desire to take some college level classes on networking. Then I decided to see if a degree at night or on weekends was feasible. The trouble began when I started applying to schools. Okay, I have to admit that it scares the shit out of me to think about going back to school. Then these admissions counselors started asking about previous academic performance. My spider senses were telling me to walk away before things got mentally and emotionally ugly but I kept going. I have three applications currently out and have requested transcripts from both of my failed colleges. Financial aid applications were included with all three so I figured as long as I was sitting in front of this pile of forms why not. I’ve wanted to tell Liza, Sammy, or my parents for a couple of weeks now but just couldn’t bring myself to the point of actual conversation. Liza now knows because the loans will directly affect her and she was great during my entire pitch. I’m hoping to begin my quest by the first of the New Year. I have a good feeling about the loans and acceptance but the time commitment is going to get interesting. I’m still a little confused about the desire to fix some nagging network problems at work leading to this whole mess but fate has granted me a good life so far and I see no need to question things now. Note to self: If mom happens to read this and once again can’t help herself and starts talking to me about it, all bets are off and I will never write about anything this personal again. 12:00:00 AM    says you