Sunday, November 25, 2001

The first of the holiday press kits are rolling in and I am once again tempted to write a giant fabrication. I love nothing more than reading what people boil an entire years existence down to in one festive page. I have relatives that give you a complete deathwatch on holiday paper. I know if I proposed it I could get Sammy and the cousins to start a family death pool but I have the feeling that my grandchildren would still feel the repercussions of that little gem. I don’t really understand the complete purpose of these but they just make me think that things aren’t that bad on my end. Still nothing says happy holidays like skin cancer surgery. The next type is the true “Press Kit”. These read like chocolate covered cotton candy dipped in honey. I think these are my favorites because they take a huge creative effort. Personally, I would be afraid to write down all of that good stuff even if it did happened because you never know what causes a streak to end. Everything about these things is as close to perfection as the author can get. Liza has a friend from college that is the queen. Along with her random mentioning of multiple fantasy vacations, promotions, and complete success, she includes the current holiday picture that features her massive diamond ring more prominently than her children. Liza says that it’s just my jealous point of view but these folks scare me. I will never go to their house just in case that’s the day that the wheels are scheduled to come off. If I do one it will be completely on my own as my wife has some moral issues with lying in a Christmas letter. I don’t want to go overboard just drop some thought bombs. Examples: “after that 6th trip to the emergency room I don’t think we’ll have any more trouble with Max” or “ now that all the charges have been dropped, Tom is ready to get back to work”. Nothing too specific but describing the new trailer and parking spot (farther from the dump so the water tastes better) with some pictures for backup. I think if I ever get around to sending one out I’m going to need a disclaimer absolving Liza of any involvement. I still have a little time, watch your mailboxes. If you are one of the authors of a yearly holiday update, I am obviously not talking about you. Please keep them coming because I am a huge fan. If you get some sanitized version from us know that I had nothing to do with it. Happy Holidays, worship the goat. 12:00:00 AM    says you