Open Letter to Alberto Gonzales

Dear Alberto,

I hope you’ll excuse my informality. I know you’re the Attorney General of the United States, and George W. Bush’s favorite legal theorist. But I feel like I know you. I was just reading some old comic book stories, and I suddenly found startling evidence that, like me, you read the Fantastic Four when you were young.

Listen, I’ve seen you on TV and read about you in the newspaper, and I don’t always agree with some of the stuff you say on Bush’s behalf, but any friend of Lee and Kirby is a friend of mine. They influenced a lot of people.

Did you see Close Encounters? When they show the Mother Ship at the end, I thought, “Wow, that’s a Kirby spaceship!” And Darth Vader, you know, is clearly a rip-off of Doctor Doom. Obviously.

Hey, remember when the Fantastic Four lost their powers, and Doctor Doom took over their skyscraper headquarters, and they had to confront not only Doom’s weapons and defenses, but their own as well? Man, that was cool!

Well, it’s been good talking with you. Don’t work too hard. When people say mean things about you, try not to take it personally, okay?

Listen, one last thing. Just gotta mention it. I don’t think the Molecule Man was ever meant to be a role model.

Take care … that the laws be faithfully executed. Ha, ha.

See ya.