licentious radio

Saturday, June 14, 2003
[11:24:15 AM]

MS Mission Accomplished!

Seattle (licentious) -- Microsoft founder Bill Gates announced "Mission Accomplished" on board the aircraft carrier Ken Olsen today. "Major combat operations in the web browser business have ended," announced Gates, while standing under a huge banner reading "Mission Accomplished".

"Because of you, our monopoly is more secure. Because of you, the competition has fallen, and the internet is in chains," was his message. "The board of directors is grateful for a job well done."

The carrier landing and speech were to announce the end of development of Microsoft's web browser -- used by 85-95% of web surfers. The Macintosh version will be eliminated like Jimmy Hoffa, and future development of Windows IE separate from the operating system will be in "maintenance mode" only -- akin to the preservation of Lenin's corpse in Moscow's Red Square.

According to Gates after the speech, "We paid good money for this monopoly -- $25,000 to John Ashcroft, specifically. It's time to take advantage of our total victory and stop wasting money on a technology that only supports our enemies."

Gates also announced a new commitment to standards: "Whatever we say, goes."

Internet webloggers pointed out that browser development at Microsoft continues, but will be embedded in specific products that support Microsoft's overall strategy. For instance, while Mac IE is deader than Osama Bin Laden, a new and improved browser is embedded in the Mac version of the subscription-based MSN service. Microsoft also says the next release of the Windows operating system will contain a new version of IE -- that won't be available for previous versions of the Windows operating system.

MSNBC pundits on board the carrier noted a gigantic bulge in the crotch area of His Billness's flightsuit. The three supposedly heterosexual middle-aged men discussed at great length how sexy Bill appeared with the giant bulge, and that they knew women would be positively drooling to get at Bill's "product". Journalists not on Microsoft's payroll were somewhat less convinced.