You see, Jedis aren't supposed to get boners thinking about ladies, but Christensen is like a trailer-park diabetic at the Country Buffet: desire overwhelms common sense and he can't help but put his mouth to the spigot of her ice cream maker and let 'er rip. As soon as he can get Portman alone, Christensen starts in with the sappy love shit. Their courtship is illustrated through scenes from the personals section of a free Christian singles magazine: romantic nights by the fire, rolls in the tall grass, longing gazes at sunsets, and a kiss interrupted with "No! We shouldn't do this." If these clichés make you wince, wait until you hear the dialog. "I'm not afraid to die. I've been dying a little bit inside every day since you came back," barfs up Portman, looking as comfortable as a cat with a hairball.

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