Thursday, June 13, 2002

Flash: Offensive foul called on Shaquille O'Neal for pounding the living crap out of opponents. Coach Jackson looked on in disbelief while quoting the unwritten rule that super stars can do whatever the hell they want because it is good for ratings. "Mumble mumble mumble," Shaq said in protest. 11:10:19 AM    comment[] Flash: Roman Catholic Church declares child molestation illegal. A church official passionately declared "all child molesters must go to jail and those who offer safe harbor to child molesters must also rot in jail. All church institutions are instructed to notify the police immediately and cooperate fully if any incedent is brought to their attention. After all, it's the moral thing to do. The church pledged a large reparations fund for abuse victims and appoligized for its cover-up of this very serious issue." 10:43:01 AM    comment[] Flash: Identical twins have been declared illegal. A judge held that new anti-human cloning legislation requires one twin must be aborted in-utero. Cloning detractors commented that this is unfortunate but cloned humans pose a threat to the sanctity of human life and as identical twins are essentially clones they must be prevented at all costs. The Olsen twins could not be reached for comment. Speculation is that Ashley would have been aborted leaving Mary Kate to an unknown fate. 7:42:20 AM    comment[]

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