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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Top 10 Things to Do Now that Your Blackberry has Crashed

WNBC reported a major outage affecting 100% of Blackberries in the US. What might dedicated crackberry users do with all this unscheduled downtime?

10. Solve world hunger. You now have the time.

9. See a movie all the way through. No interruptions.

8. Go for a run. Without your crackberry you weigh less and you'll be able to run farther and faster.

7. Contemplate the transitory nature of the universe. If an essential service like the crackberry can fail, what else in your life might fail you?

6. Have a drink. Surviving off the grid is stresseful. Did my team win last night? What time is that meeting at corporate? How is my portfolio performing? Did Jughead really sleep with Veronica? Gaping holes are bound to open up in your digital life without instantaneous answers to important questions like these. So just relax. Have a pop or two.

5. Keep twirling your thumb wheel. You want to be in tip top shape once it's back up. You'll be way ahead of the other kids who have spent their time less productively.

4. Play hall hockey. Crackberries slide really well on the floor. Get two teams together, setup two goals, and see who can make the most goals with your new puck. If you are alone find a lake and see how far you can skip your crackberry. I bet you can't slice more than 5 hops.

3. Remember the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Let's help you dial through the stages quickly. Yes, your network is down. Mistakes happen. It's part of life. The digital gods cannot be appeased, so don't even try. There are no tasty binary cookies or digital flowers that can patch panel this one. You feel depressed now, see (2). The last stage is bunk. Deny deny deny. That's how we do it. Acceptance is for losers.

2. Schedule an appointment with your therapist to help you cope with your loss. But, wait, your crackberry is down! Noooo! The irony of it all!

1. Make a pair of glasses using two tubes from empty toilet paper rolls. Viewing the world outside the small window of your crackberry can be disorienting at first. You'll want to transition slowly to view the world in full resolution. Every hour slice an inch or so from each roll so you'll gradually see more and more of the real world.

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