NJGOP taps Heston to replace Forrester

Trenton, NJ—In a surprise move yesterday, Republican US Senate nominee Douglas Forrester stepped down, citing personal health problems. State senator Joe Kyrillos, chairman of the NJ Republican Party, named Charlton Heston, prominent Republican, NRA president, and fierce second amendment rights advocate, to succeed Forrester, 49.

“Now that the Republican Party bosses have come to the conclusion that voters of this state would not elect Douglas Forrester, they are looking to replace their candidate with a more attractive alternative,” said NJ Democratic State Committee Chairman, Bonnie Watson Coleman. She cited his 30% drop in polls against the newly-chosen Frank Lautenberg. The latest survey was taken by Trenton State College-MediaWhorl shortly after Lautenberg, 78, was chosen to replace the original nominee, Senator Robert Torricelli.

“State law is extremely clear about the timeline for a Party to nominate a candidate to statewide office. The law does not allow Party bosses to change their candidate now, after ballots have already been re-printed at our expense,” Ms. Coleman continued. “Why do the Republicans bother to have a party caucus and primary at all, if the will of the Republican man on the street is to be flouted in this flagrant fashion? I don’t even think Mr. Heston lives in New Jersey.”

Mr. Kyrillos denied allegations of trying to out-Lautenberg Lautenberg. “Mr. Heston has long maintained a post office box in the corner post office of Atlantic City, giving him vast insight into the character of the New Jersey voter and thus eminently qualifying him to run in this race. We’ll give the Dems a run for their money.”

Former US Senator Lautenberg had no comment. Governor McGreevey, apparently upset that he had not been consulted in the selection of the state's new Republican nominee, also declined to comment. Posing with Kyrillos and brandishing a new rifle outside Republican Headquarters, Heston had this to say: “New Jersey’s dreams aren't like theirs. I couldn’t help thinking that somewhere in the universe there has to be something better than Lautenberg. Has to be.”

The NJ Supreme Court is seen to be waffling on the issue. “On the one hand, there is the law to consider,” said Rutgers Law School Distinguished Professor Emeritus, John C. Pittenger, “though that has never stopped the Supreme Seven. I do know that Chief Justice Poritz is a huge Heston fan and may use her influence to sway the court in his favor. Or the court may go all the way and name its own Republican nominee to the Senate.” Pittenger once made an unsuccessful bid to become Pennsylvania’s Democratic nominee to the Senate. He continued: “I think this race is far from over.”

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