I Told Them No

1. A Sleepless Night

It was Thursday night. Actually, it was very early Friday. I had slept a bit, but in the wee hours my eyes popped open and I just lay there in the darkness. My mind was racing. My heart was beating. And I was beginning to sweat.

I tossed aside the sheets and stumbled into the living room, turning on a light and picking up my book. The Captains of the West stood at bay before the Black Gate outnumbered and surrounded by the forces of Sauron. Sam and Frodo scrambled to the crest of the Morgai and looked down on the bleak plains of Mordor. All hope was lost.

I read for a while and then retreated to the couch, trying again to sleep or at least decide what to do.

Just the day before, I was certain I would say Yes to the job. The team seemed terrific. The potential for bonuses was substantial. And they matched the salary I quoted them. Yet something was biting me, and in the blackness of the night I wasn't at all certain what it was.

My mind ran thru the final conversation about vacation. The prospect of dropping yet again back to two weeks per year was frustratingly demoralizing. I've done it before, but now I'm running out of time, since Ben will be off to college in less than three years.

Two weeks off just wasn't enough, but negotiations on that point went nowhere. Yet that particular issue evidently wasn't what was bothering me. It was something else.

2. Saying No and Wondering Why

Morning came. The darkness gave way to grey light creeping in. I could hear Trudy getting ready for her day's work. I stood up and walked into the bedroom. She was standing in the doorway looking at me.

I've decided to say no, I told her.

She saw the agonized look on my face. She knew I hadn't slept much. She reached out and wrapped her arms around me.

And so, here I am again at square one, tweaking my resume again, looking at job boards. Hoping that I'll find something else, something better. But what better? What else?

For me, decisions like these don't get made rationally, they simmer, they percolate, and then they just seemingly spring forth. I didn't myself fully understand what better I was looking for. I didn't know what else I hoped to find.

For heaven's sake, what had I done? Where on earth did that no come from!?

3. Understanding Why

My grandfather engineered things that made the twentieth century turn. My father was a professor. My mother taught German on one vertex of her career and Community Mental Health on another. One aunt was in social work and philanthropy. The other was a professor. My brother and his wife are doctors. One cousin is a grass roots community organizer. His wife is a nurse. Another cousin and her husband are public school teachers.

Talk about lives with purpose! And here I was considering a job writing software for a trading company.

Now I know that I'm never going to solve world hunger or bring on world peace. I just write software for a living. But in the end, my heart wasn't invested sufficiently in this job to make the two weeks of vacation acceptable.

Had they negotiated on the vacation, things might have come out differently. If I knew we would have time to go travelling and camping with Ben during our last three years together, things might have seemed different. But they didn't negotiate, and I knew I wouldn't get those years back ever.

And so with the prospect of only two weeks per year off and with the examples of my family in my head, I told them, No.

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