Monday, September 22, 2008

As I Am So Often

It was so silent here an hour ago. I was exhausted as I am so often now with eyes that longed to shut. I collapsed into a heap in the bedroom with the dog curled up against my legs while my mother in law, who rose hours before me this morning, attended to paperwork in a chair in the living room. It was just the two of us and the silence.

I lay there in that heap but did not fall asleep. The dog moved from one position to another. I pulled the blanket up and then threw it off, covered in sweat as I am so often now. I stared at the dark walls with desperate eyes that would not shut.

Here I am in this place 24 hours a day, living the best of all possible worlds, they say. But I never get away. Rarely talk to another soul. Not even the sandwich man down the street anymore. Just stuck here at this keyboard with the fans running and my fingers clicking on this keyboard.

Then the house came alive. The front door opened and the dog ran to greet Trudy coming home from class. And moments later, there was a slam of a car door outside, and then there was Ben saying "Hellooo" and the dog barking and Trudy asking how his birthday day was. As I pulled myself out of that pathetic heap, got clothes on and came back out into the house that I never leave. To smile and make noise with my family.

But they were all tired. Trudy put a few things away. Ben brushed his teeth. My mother in law put down her paperwork for the night. And they went to bed, leaving me in the silence. In this house that I never leave. Still exhausted but with not a hint of sleep in these eyes. Alone at midnight as I am so often now.

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