I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch break, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike tuba playing, I can pilot autos up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Cubs, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my basement. I enjoy urban hang gliding in my backyard. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and an avid riverboat gambler. Critics worldwide swoon over my original corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number seven and have won weekend concert passes. Last summer I toured Indiana with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft foral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl racketball rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in Dominick's supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and all my bills are paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I believe in the soul, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fibre, white Zinfadel wine, that George W. Bush is a gross ignoramus--144 times worst than an ordinary ignoramus and should make like a tree and leave. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, I believe there should be a constitutional ammendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas eve and I believe in long, slow, wet kisses that last for three days.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not EVER had a WEBLOG before.