Survivor": The wrath of Rob In its sixth season, "Survivor" travels down the Amazon and finally finds a villain worthy to fill the shoes of flabby nudist tyrant Richard Hatch.
By Heather Havrilesky
May 10, 2003 | In Werner Herzog's classic art film, "Aguirre: The Wrath of God," Klaus Kinski plays a pugnacious Spanish conquistador, Don Lope de Aguirre, who, in 1561, overthrew the leader of an expedition delving the depths of the Amazon jungle in search of El Dorado, the mythical city of gold. With Aguirre in control, the group becomes fractured and paranoid, and they end up drifting helplessly down the Amazon River on a makeshift raft. As they're picked off one by one by murder, sickness and the poison arrows of Indians on the shore, Aguirre becomes increasingly enraged and delusional, driven by dreams of wealth and power. In the last unforgettable scene, Kinski roams the perimeter of his corpse-littered raft and grabs a squealing monkey to confide his glassy-eyed plans to conquer the world with his daughter, who is already dead. "Together, we shall rule the entire continent. We'll endure. I am the wrath of God. Who else is with me?"
When CBS announced that the sixth season of "Survivor" would be set in the Amazon, the image of a wild-eyed Kinski, scheming until the bitter end, leapt to mind. But would "Survivor: The Amazon" mirror such a descent into madness and depravity? A girl can dream, can't she?
Judging from the last four seasons of "Survivor," my dreams were as delusional as the conquistador's relentless quest for El Dorado. Disturbingly dull contestants and unshakable alliances led to one disappointing season after another, with winners as painfully unworthy as Vecepia the Intolerable, who seemed to win by accident, and Brian the Sleazy, who won by surrounding himself with cretins even more dimwitted and distasteful than he was. While one can hardly fault Tina for riding to victory on Colby's toothy cowboy charms, she wasn't exactly deserving of the big prize. Even when the deserving and likable Ethan won, it was sort of a drag that he still had next to nothing to say. After Rosie O'Donnell simultaneously demeaned herself and "Survivor" loyalists everywhere by squealing and grunting her way through her hosting duties, culminating in a dorky singalong that lent the fourth season's finale all the sophistication of an episode of "Captain Kangaroo," many of us were ready to write off "Survivor" entirely.
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And then there was Rob.
Rob Cesternino has single-handedly saved "Survivor" and made all of my dreams of Aguirre-style manipulation, power struggles and delusions of grandeur come true. "But is there paranoia and hand-wringing?" you're wondering. "Is there relentless scheming and ruthless one-upmanship? Are there unpredictable, ever shifting alliances and petty grievances and enraged, spitty outbursts?" You have to stop yourself from smiling now. "I know it's too much to ask, but ... are there tearful recriminations?"
The answer is yes. All this and more are yours, thanks to one man: Rob. Rob, who has persuaded most of the players into backing him at one time or another. Rob, who, according to the official "Survivor" Web site, "wrote his college senior thesis on 'The Impact of Reality Television' and received an A."Thanks to Rob, the spirit of "Survivor," which was crafted by the meaty hands of that smug, scheming, fish-spearing sneak, Richard Hatch, lives on!
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She may be the only one. Rob has drawn everyone in, confiding in each of them with his "Who me?" chumpy demeanor, while providing a scathing play-by-play for the camera, along with countless observations, snide comments and harsh jokes. So far, Rob has manipulated even his worst enemy Matthew into doing his bidding, and like a true leader, he's delegated Matthew to prompt clueless Butch into voting with them. Best of all, he created an alliance with the popular kids and then summarily dumped their chosen son, which enraged the long-legged duo, Jenna and Heidi. The two had it coming, of course. After being sickeningly coy and arrogant and lazy for weeks, they had the audacity to play the role of shocked, deeply offended victims the second their little Self-Love Boat sank.
Jenna: "I felt betrayed more than I've ever felt in my life. Rob screwed the alliance. He betrayed me and Heidi, he betrayed Alex."
Heidi: "I didn't think that people would sacrifice personal relationships with a gamble."
There's nothing quite like the sanctimony of hot chicks who whip their tops off for attention and chocolate, lie aroundthe camp without lending a hand, rarely bother even to glance at deaf girl Christy, then whine with impunity when the shit hits the fan.
Heidi (through tears): "I've never felt so manipulated, cheated and hurt, all at the same time, in my entire life!"
Jenna: "He's a snake. Everybody's gonna know that, and it's embarrassing, I would be embarrassed to know him, because he's such a slimeball. I have morals, I have ethics, he has none, and that's why I don't want to go along with his crappy plan."
Rob: "Now, with the two girls, it's kinda like I'm hanging out with two ex-girlfriends at the same time that both hate me."
Boy, it sure sounds like Rob's going to get his comeuppance, doesn't it? Think again. Christy is wishy-washy about whether she'll align herself with Jenna and Heidi, whom she dislikes intensely but who might offer her a better chance at making it to the top three. When Rob realizes he can't count on Christy, who does he turn to? Heidi and Jenna, who, despite their countless moral objections, quickly take him up on his offer and vote Christy off instead. Never one to give himself an undue amount of credit, Rob is beside himself at how easy it was to turn the tide.
Rob: "This is really crazy stuff going on. I can't believe I'm back in Jenna and Heidi's good graces."
Before the vote, Christy is absurdly confident.
Christy: "Honestly, right now I think that I am in the driver's seat. I make the final decision."
Cut to Christy, getting voted off. Does she turn her rage on Rob? No, sir.
Christy: "I'm so pissed off! I didn't deserve to be voted out! I'm gonna make sure those freaking evil stepsisters of mine are not gonna win the million dollars!"
Meanwhile, Rob can't keep himself from grinning whenever someone new is voted off, mostly because he single-handedly masterminded each downfall.
But the best moments arrive when Rob snipes openly at the others in the group. Take, for example, Jenna's complaints to Jeff Probst about the hardships of being beautiful.
Jenna: "I'm judged all the time by just ... outside looks. I mean, I don't think that women take to me very well, I mean, 'You're a stupid model, you can't hack it.' So I've felt like I've had to work twice as hard to get here, and I think Heidi feels the same."
Heidi nods.
Jeff: "Rob, have you had to work harder?"
Rob: "Well, I was lucky in this game, that I was not handsome. So I didn't have any uh, handicaps like the girls..."
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Rob: "I really am very happy for Matthew. I'm very happy that he got to win the car. And I asked him, if he ever goes to Asia, or if he ever returns to the planet that he came from, he says I can borrow it, and go cruising for chicks."
Before the vote, Heidi is absurdly confident.
Heidi: "I'm like the mastermind behind half of the plans that go on day to day, and I've got three guys here that are scared to death of me."
Rob and Matthew exchange bemused looks. Members of the jury roll their eyes; one of them covers his face in disbelief.
Cut to Heidi, getting voted off. Does she turn her rage on Rob? No, she's too busy complimenting herself.
Heidi: "I have got a lot of heart and a lot of soul, a lot of pride, and I stop at nothing..." Save it for "The Early Show," cupcake.
But let's go ahead and give Rob credit for Heidi's grandiose behavior while we're at it. After all, the beauty of a player like Rob is that he brings out the worst in everyone. Just as Aguirre's puppet leader, Guzman, became increasingly haughty, wielding his privileges until he was murdered by his underlings, so did Rob's puppeteering bring out the popular-girl sense of entitlement and babyish foot-stomping in Jenna and Heidi. The pair would never have vacillated between such extremes of arrogant and desperate behavior had they not been handed a false sense of power by Rob, only to have him snatch it away again. Their outrage at losing power is clear: How did this little dork pull one over on us? Rob follows in slippery Richard Hatch's shoes here, as well -- that thrillingly vitriolic showdown between Susan Hawk and Kelly Wiglesworth during the first season's finale would have been impossible without Rich egging them on.
Doubtless there are those who hated Richard Hatch, and who will claim that Rob is "too mean" or that he's "irritating" or "annoying" or "just a sniveling little horndog." And they're right, but they also may be describing the ideal survivor. Because, just as Aguirre's ill-fated trek into the dark corners of the jungle brought out some demonic force within him, so "Survivor" unearths the ugly underbelly of human behavior that emerges when a lot of wealth is at stake. Some might scoff at the ugliness they see, but the game really is about courting the shadow. When people are hungry and they can't trust each other, a drama will inevitably unfold, and whether it's an art film or a well-crafted reality show, it's fascinating to witness.
But what about Rob? Will he win it all in Sunday's finale? While he initially wanted to drag Matthew to the end ("because he's a spaz"), he's wondering if he can win against him in the final vote, given how many enemies he's made. To me, though, the jury should set aside personal grievances and give the money to the player who successfully manipulates the most people, the one who is simultaneously the most charismatic, the most conniving and the most intimidating. That player is Rob. Call it the Aguirre Principle. Maybe it's sick, but it has more than a little in common with American politics.
[Looks like the Darwin Award people can expect a future winner in Paul Smith!]
AN 18-year-old was in critical condition after jumping from a five-storey building in an apparent imitation of a stunt from the television show Jackass.
The youth was attempting to jump into a pool from the roof of a condominium when he missed, shattering both legs, police said.
Paul Smith, was in critical but stable condition Wednesday at a hospital in St Petersburg, Florida, according to the Sarasota County Sheriff's Office.
One friend was videotaping and five others were watching from below as Smith jumped. His legs and torso hit the ledge of the pool, and he tumbled into the water.
Three of his friends had previously jumped.
Sheriff's Office spokesman Steve Burns said the teens were trying imitate the movie and now-defunct MTV show Jackass, which featured crude stunts and gross-out antics.
"He's an 18-year-old and can make his own decisions," Burns told the Sarasota Herald-Tribune.
"I hope that everybody he sees on television or movie he wouldn't duplicate. To willfully do something like that and be injured, it makes you shake your head."
The show and the movie it inspired include a warning to not to try the stunts at home and they say the producers don't accept submissions. But several serious injuries have been linked to imitations.
[Other Possible Darwin Award Runners Up]
In another Jackass stunt in Florida, three teenagers were arrested in March on animal cruelty and other charges after police confiscated videotape of one or more of the teens setting themselves and a frog on fire, swallowing and regurgitating a fish and vandalizing city property.
Police said the teens were inspired by the TV series.
In Connecticut, thirteen-year-old Jason Lind wound up in critical condition in the burn unit of Boston's Shriner's Hospital.
Lind had admired a Jackass stunt in which a cast member donned a flame-retardant suit laden with steak and cooked it on a human-sized barbeque.
While one friend looked on, another helped Lind pour gasoline on his feet and legs and then ignite it.
The fire grew out of control, leaving Lind with third-degree burns on his hands and legs before it was extinguished.
Philadelphia is now home to the first-of-its-kind nude model union, which will be part of District Council 47 of the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees (AFSCME). Of the 13 eligible models who could vote, seven cast their ballot for the union.
Complaining of low pay, cold rooms and air laden with paint fumes and charcoal dust, models who pose nude at a Philadelphia art school voted to join a union, called, presumably, the Pale Creepy People Who Can Sit Really Really Still Local #142, or maybe Oh My Friggin' God My Butt Has Gone Totally Like, Numb Local #87, or the like. "We were at a loss about how to get the schools to pay attention to us," said Claire Hankins, 39, who led the effort to organize artists' models at the Moore College of Art and Design, which basically meant going over to Jitters coffee bar just off campus and buying everyone a free round of lattes, as they all sat around huddled in the corner and spoke in whispery tones about intricate conspiracy theories involving complex energy grids and the Egyptian pyramids and lizard people living in the 4th dimension. The union is expected to demand a pay raise for models, from 5 bucks an hour to "at least six bucks," along with a crackdown on all the pointing and staring and soft snickering. [Mark Morford]
The models, both male and female, have complained of dirty studios and heating problems.
"The controls on the heaters were not adjustable enough because when you're working, figuratively speaking, as a model … it's especially important that the room have a proper temperature control because we have to move and freeze. Move and freeze," Paris explained.
"Anybody would be uncomfortable if those conditions are not met."
Of course, money was a source of contention as well for models. All models, no matter what their experience, earn what they say is a paltry $11 per hour.
"We can't live anymore on what we were making because of what things are costing," Hankins said.
The models began to bare their complaints last year when some formed the Philadelphia Models Guild. They then approached DC 47 organizer Gary Kapanowski, who told them they could join a union, Hankins said.
May 10, 2003 | In Werner Herzog's classic art film, "Aguirre: The Wrath of God," Klaus Kinski plays a pugnacious Spanish conquistador, Don Lope de Aguirre, who, in 1561, overthrew the leader of an expedition delving the depths of the Amazon jungle in search of El Dorado, the mythical city of gold. With Aguirre in control, the group becomes fractured and paranoid, and they end up drifting helplessly down the Amazon River on a makeshift raft. As they're picked off one by one by murder, sickness and the poison arrows of Indians on the shore, Aguirre becomes increasingly enraged and delusional, driven by dreams of wealth and power. In the last unforgettable scene, Kinski roams the perimeter of his corpse-littered raft and grabs a squealing monkey to confide his glassy-eyed plans to conquer the world with his daughter, who is already dead. "Together, we shall rule the entire continent. We'll endure. I am the wrath of God. Who else is with me?"
AN 18-year-old was in critical condition after jumping from a five-storey building in an apparent imitation of a stunt from the television show Jackass. 
