Tuesday, August 20, 2002

I got this from an e-mail contact, Martin Spencer in New Zealand   "Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++   "If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. "If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. "If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. "If you are paranoid-schizophrenic, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. "If you are psychotic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.  "If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.  "If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.  "If you are suicidal, please hold for the next available operator. Your call will be answered in the order it was received. Please do not hang up and re-dial, as this will only delay the processing of your call. Currently, you are number 381; estimated wait time is three hours, twenty minutes. If you prefer to change your psychiatric affliction, press zero at any time to return to the main menu ..." 11:55:37 PM

If you are easily offended by humor, do not read this installment. This was passed along from [Krzysztof Kowalczyk's Weblog] to [dws.] but I have previously seen variations of this in my e-mail.  If you like this kind of stuff (I love it), check out  http://www.wullamette.edu/~tjones/language-Page.html = Human Languages Page = an archive of Web sites about (and in) foreign languages - including dialects & fictional languages such as Klingon. http://www.mmania.com/ = humor in French ie. you need to be familiar with the language of France to digest this stuff http://www.best.com/~imagine/jokes/ = humor in very bad taste, in four different languages http://www.nine.org/notw/notw.html = news of the weird news stories from around the world Americonics = standard American English Chiconics = a language unique to Chicagoans, that Mike Royko used to  talk about in his column Ebonics = African-American language with its roots in tribal languages such as Ebu Ubu Abu Abadabado Hebonics = language of many of America's Jews.    I have shared this with several Jewish friends who have informed me that this is hilarious, and they wish they dreamed it up first.  If anyone is offended, that persion does not know and love Jews.  Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard English and Hebonics.    Samples of Pronunciation Characteristics   Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words.      Thus, "hand"  becomes "handt."     The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V".      Thus "walking" becomes "valking."     "R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually impossible to spell in English.  It is "ghraining" "algheady."    Samples of Idiomatic Characteristics     Questions are always answered with questions:      Question: "How do you feel?"      Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"     The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning:      "She dances beautifully, that girl."     The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis:      mountains becomes "shmountains      turtle becomes "shmurtle."    Sample Usage Comparisons:      Standard English Phrase                 Hebonics Phrase   "He walks slow"                   "Like a fly in the ointment he walks" "Sorry, I do not know the time"   "What do I look like, a clock?" "I hope things turn out okay"     "You should BE so lucky" "You're sexy"                     (unknown concept) "Anything can happen"             "It is never so bad, it can't get worse" Good writing is the basis for weblogging. Good books about how to write are "On writing well" and "Style: toward clarity and grace". If you don't feel like reading books, this list might help as well: Avoid alliteration. Prepositions dangle awkwardly if you use them to end sentences with. Avoid clichés and colloquialisms like the plague, or you will seem old hat. Employ the vernacular, while eschewing arcane and obfuscatory verbiage. Avoid ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Take it easy with parenthetical remarks (however relevant), to avoid chopping up sentences (unnecessarily (we might add)). To ever, however artfully, split an infinitive, marks you as grammatically challenged. Skip the foreign words and phrases you know, n[base ']est-ce pas? Never generalize. [base "]I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.[per thou] [^]Ralph Waldo Emerson Comparisons can clog up writing as badly as alliterations and cliches. Avoid redundancy and verbosity, or readers will think you are repeating yourself and using too many words as well besides. We really get @*&%$**)!! when you use vulgarities. Clear, specific writing beats vagueness, we suppose. Whatever. Overstatement totally destroys any credibility you ever had forever. Understatement can, at times, perhaps shade a point to the point of its fading away. One word sentences? Eliminate. Analogies work about as well as fur on a flounder. [base "]Is[per thou] just sits there. Pick verbs that do something. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, you should derail it. Who needs rhetorical questions? Its distrakting too punctuat, an spel rong. Good writing is surprisingly hard. [Krzysztof Kowalczyk's Weblog] [dws.] 11:41:18 PM

© Copyright 2002 Al Macintyre.