What the President was really saying on Monday night
By Edward Cone
News & Record
President Clinton went on TV Monday night to speak to the American people about his problems with the truth, the special prosecutor and the Seventh Commandment. It was a stirring performance, but what did he really say?
(Text of
''This afternoon ... I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.'' (No American citizen who has been getting it on with the office help, that is.)
''I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private.'' (The dress is a mess, so I must confess.)
''(I)n a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.'' (Hey, I lied.)
''I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong.'' (But oooh, it felt so right.)
''It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.'' (I can't figure out a way to blame this one on the Asian economy.)
''(A)t no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence.'' (But if I had known she was going to save that dress ...)''
I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.'' (I'm a little afraid of Hillary.)
''I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.'' (I thought I could get away with it.)
''I was also very concerned about protecting my family.'' (Not even Bob Barr can knock me for that one.)
''The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit ... was a consideration ... I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation ...'' (But enough about me - let's talk about Paula Jones and Ken Starr. You don't trust me, but you don't like them.)
''This has gone on too long ...'' (Nixon had his 18-minute gap; I've got my seven-month gap. But my poll numbers are still way higher than his were.)
''Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most - my wife and our daughter - and our God.'' (And God probably won't be answering any subpoenas.)
''It's nobody's business but ours.'' (It's over, because I say it's over.)
''Even presidents have private lives.'' (And so do senators and representatives - do you guys really want to make adultery front-page news?)
''I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.'' (Now that lying about it isn't going to work anymore.)
''We have important work to do - real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face.'' (I only lied about sex, which doesn't seem to be a ''real'' or ''important'' issue for most of you.)
''I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months ... '' (C'mon, already - you aren't going to get any of the nasty details from me.) '' ... to repair the fabric of our national discourse ... '' (No dress jokes here, please - that's not the fabric I'm talking about.)
'' ...and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.'' (Speaking of challenges, I wonder if
''Thank you for watching'' (I hope nobody was watching.)
''And good night.'' (Good night, who's that babe on the camera crew?)
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Last update: 6/17/2003; 9:42:45 PM .
