Sunday, December 15, 2002

Review of Simpsons Skateboarding for PS2         Publisher: Electronic Arts/Fox Interactive         Developer: The Code Monkeys         Genre: Skateboarding         # Of Players: 1-2     Oh joy, another Simpsons game.  After the craptacular horrors known as Simpsons Wrestling & Simpsons Road Rage (although at least Road Rage was funny), I think all of us are extremely wary of another Simpsons game.  In this one, it’s a Tony Hawk rip off, as you are skating through various locales from the show.  Unfortunately, this continues the trend of horrible Simpsons games, as it’s the worst one yet, with one of the worst skating engines I’ve ever seen, and a top contender for worst game of the year. Graphics: This actually looks much worse than the TV show, which has a somewhat crude look by design.  The locales are much simpler than the TV show, the animation is horrid, barely existent in fact, and the effects are beyond laughable. Sound: Yeah, there are Simpsons voices.  Kent Brockman as announcer, what a stupid idea.  All the one-liners are either incredibly unfunny or incredibly old ones that have been used repeatedly.  The music is just plain painful and doesn’t even fit with the game.  And effects are nonexistent as your crashing doesn’t make any sound and nothing is going on in stages sound wise anyways. Gameplay: Wow, these defy even the laws of cartoon physics.  Regardless of the character you choose, every character gets about as much airtime as Comic Book Guy would.  Ramping is extremely inconsistent; going up one side you get up real high in the air, the next time you can barely get over it.  Then there are the idiotic missions, like get the letters that spell “Skinner”, and are all over the place, which you must get in order in something like one minute and thirty seconds with no real indicator of where they even are. Features: 3 modes.  That’s it.  Only 2 players.  No create-a-skater mode or level mode.  And what is it with all these games only having one level available at the beginning? Funfactor: This is about as fun as having to spend a week in Grandpa Simpsons’ retirement home.  I’ve seen a lot of shoddy licensed games, but this is possibly the worst licensed game I have ever played.  You have to make a conscious effort to make a game this horrible.  It does everything wrong in every possible way.  In presentation, in gameplay, in general concept.  This is a kind of game where the designers deserve to be tarred & feathered for releasing such a horrid insult to fans of skateboarding, fans of the Simpsons, and generally people who are fans of actually having any fun. --Final Scores— Graphics: 1.0-The show looks crude & simple on purpose…. Sound: 0.0-The worst possible choices in bad one-liners, music, commentary, etc. Gameplay: 0.5-Absolutely the worst skating engine I have ever seen. Features: 2.0-Extremely limited amount of features compared to any other skating title on the market. Funfactor: 0.5-There’s actually a game worse than Kabuki Warriors…. 8:49:06 AM    comment []

Review of Dragon’s Lair 3D: Return to the Lair for Xbox     Publisher: Ubi Soft     Developer: Dragonstone Software     Genre: Action     # Of Players: 1     If there was one thing that has really classified this year in videogames, it’s been the huge amount of updates and sequels of once thought dead series.  From Mortal Kombat to Shinobi to Metroid, we’ve seen updates of so many classic series it’s mind-boggling.  Of course, the results have definitely been mixed, as some were definitely best left in the past.  And now comes to the latest, an update to the revolutionary laserdisc-based classic Dragon’s Lair.  Once again, you are Dirk the Daring, valiant but incredibly clumsy knight, braving the dangers of a trap loaded and monster-infested castle in order to rescue the beautiful Princess Daphne from evil Dragon Singe.  This is essentially the same game you played 20 years ago, just in 3D.  And playing it again after all these years makes me remember that under all the fancy animation, this was a truly horrendous game 20 years ago, and it’s even worse today. Graphics: These look really, really familiar.  I know why, it’s because it looks like the freaking Super Nes version that came out years ago, and even then, that looked horrible.  Pasty, almost anemic colors, horrid & clumsy animation.  Along with drab-looking levels that all look way too similar. Sound: The music is barely tolerable.  The voice acting is much worse as Dirk only occasionally utters caveman-like grunts, and Daphne’s shriek will have you switching off the sound almost immediately, and as for sound effects, they are minimal at best, as most things don’t even make a sound. Gameplay: Despite the supposed insistence that this is a new version, all you can still really do is jump, swing your sword, and block.  This isn’t 1982; you need more maneuvers than this, or at least a better way to incorporate them.  Also, who came up with the stupid idea of having Dirk move so slowly?  He runs like an extremely rusty tin man.  The collision detection is so horrible that I’m constantly falling through platforms and consistently missing guys who I swore I hit.  And on top of it, the levels aren’t inventive at all; this really is the same damn game from 20 years ago. Features: Well, you can watch a trailer about how this game is going to revolutionize the gaming industry (yeah, I found it funny too). Funfactor: What I remember about this game is how they always say it was one that revolutionized gaming.  All it brought a revolution to was insanely raising the cost of gaming in arcades and favoring fancy graphics over actual gameplay.  I respect Don Bluth’s vision & talent as an animator & filmmaker, with great movies like Anastasia & Titan A.E. under his belt, but he has shown that he has absolutely no clue as to even make a decent video game.  It wasn’t as evident then due to the nifty concept, but Dragon’s Lair was a horrible game then and it’s worsened with age.  Some things are definitely better left in the past where we still have fond memories of them. --Final Scores— Graphics: 1.5-Looks like a bad Super Nes game. Sound: 3.0-The best part is the barely tolerable music. Gameplay: 2.5-Ancient concepts poorly implanted combined with horrid collision detection. Features: 5.5-Making of feature, that’s about it. Funfactor: 2.0-I’d rather be stomped on repeatedly by Singe than have to suffer through this garbage again. 8:44:05 AM    comment []

Review of Die Hard Vendetta for Gamecube         Publisher: Sierra Entertainment         Developer: Bits Studios         Genre: FPS         # Of Players: 1     John McClaine is back in action again in Die Hard Vendetta (why not, I heard they were trying to get together another movie anyways).  In this one, John is pretty much retired form active duty, and his daughter is actually now a rookie in the LAPD.  But when Hans Gruber’s son shows up in town (for those who don’t remember, he was the main bad guy in the first movie), even though he’s appearing as a benefactor to a museum, John knows there’s bound to be nothing but trouble.      Taking a different approach from the Die Hard Trilogy game on PS, this one goes the first-person shooter route, which would normally sound ideal.  However, this Die Hard is a bland & unimpressive paint by numbers FPS. Graphics: Ugh.  This looks like Lethal Enforcers in the arcade.  Grainy, poorly textured levels that glitch all over the place, the people all really do look like they are of a cardboard cutout quality, and the animation is very sloppy as well. Sound: The voice acting is done decently, but you’re telling me they couldn’t find one guy who can do a decent impression of Bruce Willis?  The music is also done decently as well, but nothing spectacular, and the sound effects are extremely lacking, as people never talk unless you are talking to them, you never hear bullet-ricochets, no real sounds except the gunfire. Gameplay: This is the first FPS I have actually played for Gamecube, and I’m realizing the controller isn’t really built well for this style of game, as it is really hard to just aim my gun (although I suspect the control is a little too loose as well).  There is plenty of jumping, and it switches between automatic and manual, and jumping in FPS games is stupid in the first place, and it’s done here more horribly than in most.  The enemies are incredibly stupid, and they don’t throw enough at you to make stupid enemies a threat like in Serious Sam.  Finally, the objectives are way too vague.  Something like: “No civilian casualties”, and someone is usually killed in an area I am nowhere near, and I fail the mission.  Or “help the police” and by the time I get there, it’s apparently too late to help them. Features: Well, there’s a training mode, but that’s about it.  A robust multi-player would’ve added some value to this game. Funfactor: Well, this is on Gamecube, and given it’s an extremely weak selection of shooters, but there are two quality ones, Time Splitters 2 & Medal of Honor, and either of them would be an extremely valid choice over this game.  Beyond the flaws I listed in the gameplay and the crap graphics, it’s just plain boring.  There’s nothing original or exciting in this game.  A lot of people say shooters haven’t really evolved any since Doom II, but all you have to do is like at Die Hard, which is basically what shooters were like, and games like Halo, Max Payne, Serious Sam, Medal of Honor, Red Faction, and so on, to realize just how much they really have advanced in just a couple years. --Final Scores— Graphics: 4.0-Looks like Lethal Enforcers, which came out years ago. Sound: 6.0-Voice acting is decent, and music is ok, but effects are extremely lacking. Gameplay: 5.0-Objectives are too broad, aiming is extremely difficult, bad jumping, and stupid enemies. Features: 5.0-Just a bare minimum of things (not even a multi-player mode). Funfactor: 5.0-Die Hard? More like bored stupid. 8:37:27 AM    comment []

Review of Dark Angel for Xbox     Publisher:  Sierra/Vivendi Universal     Developer: Radical Entertainment     Genre: Action     # Of Players: 1-2     The recently canceled futuristic sci-fi action show comes to console.  In Dark Angel, you take on the role of Max, a genetically engineered super soldier who escaped when she was a child from an evil government corporation, along with many children who were altered & trained like herself.  A massive electromagnetic pulse has wiped out a lot of the U.S. technology-wise, and now it’s like a post-apocalyptic war zone.  Your only real ally is a guy known to the world as “Eyes Only”, who exposes the corruption going on in the U.S. in general and especially the illegal dealings of the corporation that created you and others like you.      I was a big fan of the TV show Dark Angel, so I’m happy to see it continue in some kind of format.  And they’ve gone a long way in getting the look and feel of the show down, but some glaring flaws in the gameplay keep it from being anything but a decent fighter that might be worth a rental. Graphics: Although I don’t know why they did not include any real clips from the show, the cut scenes used to recreate stuff like the intro are done in great detail, but since this is a multi-platform game, it doesn’t look quite as good as say, Buffy.  Same thing goes for the in-game levels, they look like they were taken straight from the show, but we’ve just seen better. Sound: Voice acting is done by the two main actors for the show, Jessica Alba & the guy who actually played “Eyes Only” (his name escapes me), and the rest of the voices are done really well also.  The music is the same style that was in the show, and it fits, but it’s a lot of heavy rap and metal, which may not suit a lot of people’s taste (like mine).  Also the effects while you are fighting are decent, and the fact that soldiers talk and respond while you are fighting them is cool, but it’s missing little things such as helicopters flying overhead (which was a constant on the TV show as part of the atmosphere). Gameplay: Initially, it seems pretty cool, as you have a pretty good variety of kick ass maneuvers and combos, and some stealth maneuvers to take out guys as well.  But the levels are very straightforward without any real leeway as to how to approach them.  As with most games of this type, enemies can easily just gang up and beat you down (although you do have a couple of moves that can give you some space).  Sneaking up and taking out guys quietly is impossible because even after you take one guy out and he disappears, another guy comes along, notices the guy is missing, and call in a ton of other guys to come get you.  Also, the levels aren’t very interactive, sure you can throw guys against dumpsters to knock them out cold, but where’s something to throw at them in the first place?  It would help a lot in dealing with crowds of guys.  And finally, there is the rage meter.  Supposedly this allows you to do cool stuff in Matrix-style slow motion, but anything I pulled off was by complete accident. Features: A couple of nice extras like an interview with James Cameron, who created the show. Funfactor: If you were a really big fan of the show, you might be able to overlook the flaws and enjoy this, as it is overall a solid action title.  But the stealth features have been done better in games like Metal Gear Solid 2 & Splinter Cell, and the action has been done better in games like Buffy & especially Mark of Kri (Gamecube owners might wanna get this because they are pretty hard up for a good straight action game in this style).  Bottom line, Dark Angel is an impressive-looking, but overall underwhelming title on consoles that for the most part have a very good selection of strong action titles. --Final Scores— Graphics: 8.0-Nice cut-scenes and captures the look of the show pretty well overall. Sound: 8.5-Music is much like the music from the show (for better or worse), voice acting is dead on, but sound effects are only decently done. Gameplay: 5.0-Nice variety of moves, but stealth is impossible, rage meter is confusing, and enemies can too easily gang up on you. Features: 6.0-Couple of nice video extras, but that’s about it. Funfactor: 6.5-Again, decent, but there are much better selections of the same style on consoles (except maybe on Gamecube). 8:31:30 AM    comment []

Review of Analyze That     Billy Crystal & Robert De Niro are teaming up again in the follow up to the smash hit about a mobster and his psychiatrist.  Now “retired” mob boss De Niro is in prison, and still running it like he is the boss.  Until there are attempts on his life.  So he fakes insanity in order to get released.  And he gets released into Crystal’s custody.  Crystal wants him to get a legitimate job, but De Niro just wants to find out who is trying to kill him and get back to his old life.     The problem is this is no-risk, edgeless, and unoriginal comedy.  Nothing has any imagination to it.  Every single bit in the movie is based on the idea that it’s funny because it’s Robert De Niro.  Robert De Niro singing tunes from West Side Story, Robert De Niro being a used car salesman, Robert De Niro being a restaurant greeter.  See, it’s funny cause it’s Robert De Niro, a serious dramatic actor doing these things.  Yeah, I didn’t laugh either.  Crystal is completely wasted as well, just basically there as a stoic non-reaction to De Niro, his entire joke throughout the entire movie being that he’s going through a grieving process because his father recently passed away (apparently, that’s the reason for him & his entire family being utterly unfunny).      There’s also a Sopranos knockoff show that De Niro becomes a consultant on called “Little Caesar”, but no opportunities whatsoever are made to even try and really make fun of the hit cable show.  Instead, they do tired old jokes about eccentric directors, and again, it merely puts characters in situations (like when all of De Niro’s old mob crew shows up on the movie set he’s working at), and expects you to think that merely the situation is funny, rather than actually putting any effort into making it funny.  Analyze That is a boring, tired, and worst of all; completely laugh less waste of two great stars. Final Grade: D- 8:26:57 AM    comment []