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Dear Ms. Dickinson:

Please let me add to the discussion about whether pornography has any justification in a relationship. (The letter that started it was from "The Soon to be Wife"; most of the positive responses were from men, and most of the negative ones from women).

This seems to be a peculiarly American debate. The Far East has a long and healthy relationship with erotic pictures - in fact there is a very large body of art representing the subject, and Europe is much more open about it as well. I suspect, though, that what even the most Puritanical American women find offensive about pornography is not the sex, but the trashy depiction of it and the sense of being excluded. I have no objection to erotica (rather the reverse), but I do object to much of what passes for it.

Women are excited by this material, too. It's emphasis may differ - more romance, for example, or less of a need to show everything in clinical detail - but can women really say there aren't movie stars and co-workers who don't make them breathe a little harder? Or that they've never been turned on by a passage in a book or a scene in a movie? This is biology, and it's not restricted to men. If the low quality of the "pornography" offends you, bravo; there's a lot of violence, degradation, and humiliation out there masquerading as sex. (And if that's what your guy is looking at, dump him.) There is also much less good material for women or couples than for single men. (How about somebody does something to remedy that, and soon?) Finally, there's way too much "soft core" porn out in public (suggestive TV/billboard ads and so on) which removes the choice we should all have on where and when to view it.

That said, however, the emphasis shouldn't be on WHETHER he looks at pornography, but WHAT KIND and DOES HE SHARE IT WITH YOU?

By the way, I just turned 50, have been married for 22 years to the same man, and have 3 children.

Please sign me "Let's Grow Up, Shall We?"

Thanks for listening.