Today is the 1-year anniversary of the end of my cancer treatments. I feel happy, yet a little sad. I'm happy because I've survived so far. I'm also happy because I made changes in my life last year that have made me a much much better person. It wasn't intentional. I wondered when I was going through my treatments whether my life would change when I was done with the treatments. I didn't feel like anything would change.... I made no committments to myself or promises, and I didn't really feel inspired to do anything significantly different with my life.
Yet, I guess cancer seems to have that invisible compelling force in ones life. Once you get the diagnosis, everything changes, whether you want it to or not -- that's been my experience. I have a spiritual direction that I'm very very comfortable with. I started giving my time and myself to people who have a need for the companionship through Mac the Lab, and through my hospice work. I'm much more sociable than I've ever been, and I enjoy people a lot more than ever.
On the flip side, I just lost another year, and I'm that much closer to my 5-year mortality. I told John that this morning and he said, "yeh, just like the rest of us". I had to smile at that. He reminded me of the fundamental buddhist principle of impermanence. All things are impermanent. Cancer can deceive you into thinking you have a shorter life than other people. But none of us knows how short or long our lives will be. None of us. The cancer just reminds us of this. That's a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing is it's always there to remind me that I don't have the time to fart around with bullshit. The bad thing is, I can't ever buy into the delusion that I will live forever. That mentality, that innocence is gone.
9:12:20 PM 
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