guess how long it took me to drive home last night!  put your car in drive and do nothing else and thats about how fast i was going.  i think i hit the gas twice.  fuckin sucked.  so i didnt do anything all night.  of course the long ass drive allowed me time to think about things.

i have WAY too much stress in my life right now.  i cant remember the last time i ate a full meal - i think ryan was here.  and i cant remember the last time i attempted more than one meal in one day - again probably when ryan visited.  i am sooooooooooo tired no matter how much i sleep.  when i do eat i get sick.  my head hurts all the time.  i can feel my blood racing through my veins.  i can look at myself in the mirror and if i look closely enough i can see my pulse.  i've lost a ton more weight again.  sometimes i just vomit for no reason.  thankfully not at work!  anyway, for my own health and safety that means i need to eliminate some stressors in my life until the stuff i need to deal with (my bill payer - work, among other things) dies down.  a lot of people probably wont agree with that decision and probably wont like it, but i have to do whats best for me in the short run or i'm gonna end up more sick than i  already am.  sorry guys.  one thing that will suffer is friendship.  i have one thats incredibly stressful for me and i have to take a break from it.  maybe i'm not as strong as i thought?  who knows, but i need to do whats healthy for me.

work!  wow the fun just continues!   heres the beginning of my email i received from bruce.  "Lisa I have addressed several issues with you in the past and it seems I have to request information 2 and 3 times before you respond.  If you are to busy to respond can you please give my MCO back to Elise."  i cant show you the rest - cause of work reasons, but it got better with each paragragh.  so i get an email from my boss that says "i will personally handle [their mco] from now on."  and i am sooooooooo pissed by this point.  i mean i get mean emails from this guy all the time.  nothing new here, but i can handle this marketing company.  so i was almost ready to quit when my boss comes out and tells me "they are going to regret having me as their analyst.  i am gonna hammer em.  i am gonna jack em up."  he shot me an evil grin and walked away.  then later he comes back and tells me bruce's boss's boss called my boss to apologize, reamed the guy, and him and my boss said i should call up everyone in that mco who at that time isnt performing at standard and fire them all.  i didnt, but it woulda been fun.  i am not quite that vindictive though.  anyway that bruce's boss's boss called to apologize is sayin a lot cause me and him DO NOT get along in the slightest.

i watched devils advocate this weekend.  hadnt seen it in forever.  it was better than i remember it being.  anyway at the end when they're talkin about why do we live with guilt....  fucking brilliant.  why do we?  i dont want to.  i dont want to feel bad all the time for the things i cannot help.  for the way i live my life.  i dont wanna carry bricks for anyone!   (ha!)  i'm quite smitten with this idea.

6:43:42 AM    say it! []