Tuesday, December 02, 2003
Today is my 30th birthday.
It's gone by pretty quick and I've been pretty unhappy for most of it and for huge chunks at a time.
I spent my entire childhood either at school, where I felt trapped and unchallenged, or trapped somewhere else I didn't want to be doing little if anything at all. I had few friends (even then I knew that the people I called friends weren't real friends in any sense that I would consider significant). I come from a large family and I've never liked being around them. When I was a kid I assumed that this was something about me that I would eventually need to deal with, but as it turns out I was right all along. They hate each other now as much as I ever hated them.
I hated high school. If I'm broken, and there is a pretty good chance I am, then this is where I broke.
College could have been great but I spent the entire time worried about money and then about what I was going to do with my life (in other words, how could it be possible that there would ever be a time in my life when I would not be worried about money). I worked at a convenience store, a grocery store, a movie theater, another grocery store, in an office on campus, and a library. I couldn't go anywhere without thinking about picking up a job application. None of the jobs lasted very long but my preoccupation with getting a job clouded the entire experience. It was torture really.
I also made the mistake of majoring in Classics (Ancient History and Latin). This is entirely my fault and unless I get back to school to correct it I believe I'll be paying for this mistake for the rest of my life. Classics is useless, but this more to do with the people who are around it than with Classics itself. I would like to say that I've never met such a group of apathetic, narcissistic, sycophantic, dysfunctional, absolute assholes in my whole life, but that's not true. I meet people just like this everyday.
I've spent my entire adult life obsessed with money (i.e. not having any).
I've done nothing since college except work, 65+ hours a week, and all of that work has proven to be absolutely meaningless. I can say quite honestly that I haven't accomplished anything in my entire life.
After all of that, I'm unemployed with no prospects, broke, have very few friends, and have contributed nothing that has ever benefited anyone.
I feel 50. Not that I know what that feels like, but then again I don't know what it feels like to be 20 either. I've been the same age for my whole life. For as long as I can remember I've been the exact same person. I wouldn't say that I've grown up, I guess I'd say that I've grown into being the same grownup I've always been.
I worry constantly, and about money almost exclusively.
I've learned a lot along the way. I've been careful to pay attention. I can sum up everything I've learned in one word, disappointment.
Don't get me wrong, the world is an absolutely amazing place, the universe is astonishing; everything that the human race has accomplished including, but not limited to, science and technology, is fantastic. The people themselves however are nothing but harsh disappointment and although I live in an astonishing universe, on an amazing world, benefiting from the fantastic accomplishments of the human race, I'm here surrounded by people.
Ever heard the joke (I've seen it credited to Dennis Leary):
A Jehovah's Witness approaches a stranger and asks, "Don't you want to live forever in paradise?"
and the stranger replies, "No, not with a bunch of Jehovah's Witnesses!"
That's what it feels like.
Here's my test. If I have a great next 10 years then my life up until this point is primarily not my fault. If I have a miserable next 10 years then I need to accept that I'm primarily responsible for my own wasted life.
Regardless I'm beginning to accept that I'm never going to accomplish anything with my life. Maybe I'm broken; maybe I'm just not capable; or maybe the circumstances of my life just aren't aren't quite right, like a car in perfectly good condition but too far from it's destination to arrive before running out of gas or out of time.
I'm not trying to argue that I have a horrible life, I know that isn't true, but if this is a good life then I really don't think life is worth the bother.
That's 30 as I see it.
Thank you to everyone who has helped me out along the way.
The rest of you can go fuck yourselves. The best part about being 30 is that I'm not whatever age I was when you were a regular part of my life.
2:53:16 PM 
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