Wednesday, February 04, 2004

I've written about this before, but I suppose it's worth noting again:  I approach my life pretty earnestly.  I go about my days, and I know I sometimes take things too seriously, even things that don't matter too very much in some larger scheme of things.  I struggle with my desire to make things perfect (read: as perfect as my capacities allow) even as that desire is opposed to some sort of radical freedom that I can sense, but cannot envision in any tangible way.  I was reading an article in LA Weekly about an old friend of mine, who is now an experimental composer.  One of his CD titles translates as "a fear of mirrors."  In this interview, he remarked that his own personal fear of mirrors comes from seeing his expansive inner world suddenly and irreducibly made physical,small, and absolute.  I, too, chafe against this curtailed existence: this body, this self.  It seems so limiting to possess such a thing, to be utterly constrained at such an absolutely essential level.  The dream of freedom, perceived as a freedom from work, love, dailiness, holds no attraction for me.  There are so many things that comprise this moment, and so many things to put one's hand to!  But. The dream of a radical freedom, perceived as a freedom from self, embodiment, culture, even species, is a dream worth dreaming, I think. 5:24:10 PM