Sunday, May 02, 2004

This afternoon, my girlfriend casually remarked to me - "I crashed your computer." She was looking at a funny .jpeg of enormous size, or something, and it blue-screened.  The computer she was referencing was the loaner laptop from my office, given to me after I spilled a beer into my previous laptop.  Well, now this loaner machine will not so much as boot.  So, I'm at the desktop machine, burning a few CDs for a friend.  Please do not tell the RIAA.  The CPU latency on this machine is so execrable that, while executing a burn, it literally takes ~15 seconds for the mouse icon to change from an arrow to a finger when positioned over a hyperlink in an Explorer window.  Really bad.  I might need a new computer, or more realistically, might need to drop an 80GB or so HD into this machine, to store our various photos, .mp3s, etc.  Also, more DRAM memory will help. It literally took me about 45 seconds to type that last sentence, readers.  It is that bad.  Our cat is still dying.  I don't think it will be too long now, but it is very hard.  I just made her a milkshake consisting of cream and chicken livers, which in my mind should constitute some sort of kitty crack cocaine, but she only lapped at it about 10 times, no more.  It was awful - she stuck her nose right into it, as though she really wanted to eat it but just could not.  I can't imagine this will last another week, and I'm now prepared for it to happen at any time.  My girlfriend is completely devastated.  We were at the park this morning with our dog - it was an absolutely beautiful day, the wildflowers were blooming, the sun was out, a crisp breeze - and I was suddenly seized by an absolutely overwhelming feeling of terror.  It was so profound that I experienced it physiologically, as vertigo.  This experience is so strange.  I'm not so upset about the cat - I don't believe that animals are capable of contemplating their own deaths, as we humans are - and the process whereby her body wears out, and exhausts its finite resources, is perfectly understandable and sensible to me.  I will miss our cat, certainly.  I'm mostly upset for my girlfriend, really.  It's hard for me to find the "right" way to be with her - this isn't occuring naturally, but I think I'm doing okay (moments of sheer vertiginous terror aside).  I believe I might actually describe what I felt as an existential terror, which I've only experienced on one or two previous occasions.   I will say that I am surprised by the number of people who hold absolutely nutbar beliefs about the mental and spiritual lives of animals!  However, I am even more surprised by how comforting I find their comments and expressions of concern at this time.  So - there you go.  I'm not sure what to make of that, honestly. We saw The Fall last night - they were very bad!  They didn't take the stage until 1:10a or thereabouts, and proceeded to put on a lackluster, poorly-focused, haphazard show.  Mark E. Smith apparently suffered a broken leg or hip a few months ago, so he performed from a chair.  At one point, the whole affair actually struck me as pathetic - watching this decrepit middle-aged man, obviously suffering from profound neurological damage brought about by heavy, long-term  drug abuse, fumble around for his lyric sheets, and occassionally mumble some bit of nonsense into the microphone.  But that passed, and the performance eventually elevated itself into the merely okay, which at that point was a fine way to end things, as I was tired and cold. 6:38:31 PM