Updated: 22/7/2003; 10:23:50 PM.
Andrew's Cellar
random mutterings on technology, business and life's passions

Tuesday, 22 July 2003

andrew no longer lives here. he thanks you all from the heart for your kind words, concern, advice and friendship. we understand that he's setting up home across town somewhere.

10:13:07 PM    comment []

Monday, 2 June 2003

OK. I'm not going away. I shan't stop blogging.

I did think of it because... well, because for me what I want out of blogging is to have a bit of a conversation. I don't need to do it just to work my thoughts out or for any other reason. But right now, my brain is mush. I have bugger all to say, and would struggle to articulate it if I did. The thing with blogging is that it creates in your mind a pressure to deliver. I feel that were I to stop for a few weeks or more, I'd lose what few readers I have. I don't care about recognition, but I do care about the conversation and contact. So, I figured that if I stop for a few weeks, might as well just throw it in completely.

Silly me.

Anyway, I may or may not go quiet for some time, until I get back some of what motivated me to start in the first place. I may even trash this blog and start again. Or not. But I think whatever I do, I'll do it openly as myself. I've tried before to wear another persona, but it doesn't sit so well. I need to be me. That kinda puts some constraints on what I write, being mindful of immediate and extended family. But it can't be any other way.

And I really appreciate the comments. Thanks people.



9:49:29 PM    comment []

Thursday, 29 May 2003

I'm sick. A cold or somesuch. Sitting on my bed as I'm typing this -- to escape ER in the other room which, despite the attractions of Ming Na, I loathe -- listening to Pink Floyd, Pulse (live). The Great Gig in the Sky. Kinda fits my not-really-here mood.

Rageboy has been listening to Pink Floyd too. I did that a few weeks' back. Comfortably Numb it was, again and again. Hurting I was.

This depression hit harder than I thought it would. Harder than it's done for a long time now. Well, a year or so anyway.

And of course, like always, there's bugger all justification for it.

But the good thing is know how to catch it now. I can't head it off, hafta let it go for a while, maybe like letting a big fish run with the line for a bit. And then I can reel it in. Not all the way, but back to somewhere reasonable.

I think the rebuilding is starting. I was all for throwing this blog in earlier this week. Gary wrote of blog suicide. But perhaps not just yet.

We'll see.

9:33:11 PM    comment []

Thursday, 22 May 2003

What I want, what I really, really want, is a WYSIWYG (X)HTML editor for my Powerbook. It has to run under OS X natively, be simple, lightweight and gorgeous. Or, better still, it could be browser based. But it'd hafta work in Safari. It also has to generate clean, preferably XHTML-compliant, unadulterated markup. I'm kinda sick of having to either type tags, or manually insert them from drop-down lists and menus, and neither can I quite bring myself to accept the markup that MS Word produces. Any ideas?

6:27:54 PM    comment []

Wednesday, 21 May 2003

I suppose -- as my brain finally congeals in the manner of a tub of lard left to cool -- I should give thanks that my basic needs, of shelter and sustenance, are so well-catered to that I'm free to self-actualise into this morose state.

10:12:25 PM    comment []

Hell. Nearly a week since the last post. The truth is I have bugger all to say. Not here, not anywhere else either.

Tonight marks 6 weeks since I stopped drinking more than I'm supposed to, 6 weeks of near drought. And I feel awful. Physically, I'm probably better than I've been for a long time, on the days that is when I'm not crippled with a nauseating headache. But mentally... well, forget it. I've mostly stopped writing the countless long emails with which I clog my friends' inboxes. Anything I do write seems to have been produced by the group of monkeys with typewriters I read of recently. Frankly, crapping on the keyboard as they did might well be more artful than any of this shite.

And I'm heading down too: down, down, down; can't seem to pull up. I'm hoping this is just a stage, a necessary phase, and not the beginnings of another long cycle of depression.

Stay tuned.

Or not.

As you please.

9:44:43 PM    comment []

Wednesday, 14 May 2003

I listened today to some of Neil Young's Live Rust. Oh boy. As the opening notes of Like a Hurricane came through the earphones, I shivered and my hair stood on end. I instantly remembered 20 years' ago when I was 18: long walks, late on wet and cold nights, with that song playing full blast on my Walkman. And I remembered how lonely and mixed up and miserable and wracked with longing I was at that age, not all of which was brought on by the music in the first place.

And how much better do I feel now? I've learned a lot, gained some self assurance and some practised skill in a few things. I have a wonderful family and a small number of true, close friends. But when it comes to actually being me, being comfy in my own head, being able to deal with the reality of relationships, say when people are cross or tired, am I any much different? It didn't feel so today.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I suppose I was just struck with the thought today that as we come into our mid-to-late thirties, it seems the fears, the longing, the uncertainty and all the rest of those things that blighted our self image and our relationships as teenagers, those things we thought we'd finally dealt with as we turned 30, they're coming thundering back. And suddenly we're teenagers again.

Hell, I even went out the other day and bought a couple of Led Zeppelin CDs (and ripped them straight to my notebook). What's going on here?

I tell you, I'm really looking forward to turning 40, when I have all this stuff sorted out again. Oh yes.

I do hope though that there won't be a relapse every 20 years: can you imagine the old fart in the wheelchair, blanket over his knees, a tear in his eye as Comfortably Numb plays at full volume, again and again?

10:40:41 PM    comment []

Monday, 12 May 2003

Heh! This blog was supposed to be the next stop on my way to creating a new, web-based business, *not* an extended, asymmetric counselling session.

Must do better; there's a world to change.

10:05:48 PM    comment []

Apropos of the last post, I shall make a goodly effort to spread only light and joy for the next week. Well, mostly only light and joy.

Let the good times um, er, roll.

10:00:30 PM    comment []

Um. I'm wondering if I may have overdone the grumpy, depressed thing a little in recent days? Reading back over the last few posts, I can see that people might be forgiven for inferring that I live in a very dark and strange place indeed. And that is strictly not so. Yeah, I'm struggling a little with life but, as I wrote (more or less) in a comment on the previous post:

I have a lovely wife, 2 perfect kids, cushy job, etc., etc. I do suffer from moderate levels of depression now and then and, I think, anxiety too, and I've tied myself in emotional knots for 1 or 2 reasons, which'll take years to undo. But I'm ok really.

The only hardship I face is being me. I shouldn't trivialise that -- it has caused me pain and grief for many years -- but, then again, I'm hardly in the same league as Rageboy, for whom, if indeed he suffers as much as he implies, I feel deep empathy.

Remember too, while I have been pretty openly and honestly "me" in this blog, I also reserve the right of all writers, painters, photographers and the rest of them to focus on the detail, to skew the objective and balanced representation, to do that kind of stuff in order to show emotion, rather than try to explain how it is. If I feel black tonight, I want to Paint It Black. Call it therapy if you will. And then I feel a little better and move on. Perhaps there's the danger in this blogging thing, for our words remain behind, long after the emotion that gave them life has gone. This is how I felt then, not for all time.

9:57:06 PM    comment []

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