Thursday, 20 February 2003

Happy Birthday to me. It's my birthday. I'm 38 years' old, and I use the word "old" advisedly. I have to say, though, I'm feeling somewhat better about it than I have in recent years. 2 years' back, I was so determinedly grumpy that Nat didn't dare mention it and merely left an unwrapped bottle of wine on the kitchen table for me, hoping I wouldn't shout a lot. My son, Sam, didn't know it was my birthday, and didn't believe me when I told him. Last year, my mood was improved some and I had decided to enjoy the day. However, I was suffering a protracted run of illness -- I'd been sick more or less continually since the day after Christmas. I was just too tired and washed out to bother with anything. So, how do I feel today? As I said, somewhat better. Life is picking up. I haven't been seriously ill for 5 months or more now. I generally get enough sleep. The long depression I've sufffered for a couple of years or more has near-enough lifted, as have most of its effects: for example, food and wine now taste normal again; they didn't for a long time. I still have what I term a numbness, both physical and emotional. I feel most things in a muted, veiled, unsatisfying way. It's frustrating. I read of a conditon called anhedona which described quite well how I am. BUT there are increasingly common moments of sharpness and clarity. Life's looking up. On the down side, the fat tummy I finally managed to lose has partially reappeared. Enough for people to comment. Bugger. So, for a while we'll skip the raisin toast mid morning, we'll endeavour to eat katsu don a little less frequently than we have. And, as the weather cools, we'll get back out into the garden and attack the landscaping with renewed drive. I'm slightly cautious about shedding too much weight as I spent 8 months' straight suffering one horrible illness after another, and the weight gain has coincided with a stretch of good health. I suppose too, this has been the year where I've finally felt older than many of the people I work with. I'm no longer of the same generation, don't share the same experience. I have an increasing number of grey hairs, my face is showing more "character"; I try not to look in the mirror much. The young ladies aren't even going to notice me any more because I look like their dad. Sigh. I probably wouldn't mind that one if they'd noticed me when I was their age, but I was too shy, conservative, and quite the opposite of trendy. Younger friends ask why any of this bothers me. I tell them to wait until they're this age and then tell me they don't mind it either. I plan to have a modest lunch today with Nat and Emma -- my 2 favourite ladies in the whole world, a decent bottle of red tonight. Yesterday, I had lunch with my best friend; tomorrow I'll celebrate with my friends at work. Life ain't so bad. 9:22:00 AM    comment []