Bah. I wanted to write on autumn and longing but scared I'll make a hash of it in my current state. Too bad: I'm writing it anyway.
We're halfway through autumn here, and we've hit a stretch of perfect autumn weather. The nights are cool but not so that we yet need the heating on. The mornings are crisp and dewy. The mist clears by mid morning, revealing the most-stunning clear air and gorgeous golden light. It's the kind of light that makes me wish I could photograph or paint, the kind that genius artists catch and splash over the canvas to bring it to life. It's lovely.
The days are warm, say 20C (68F). Perhaps late in the afternoon a haze will begin to form, as the air takes on a chill. And soon it'll be time to go inside, close the doors and windows to keep the warm in. But before I go in, I sit and watch the hills opposite in the fading light. I watch the airliners climbing overhead, the birds returning for the night.
And it's then that I suffer this most-intense longing: real, empty, hole-in-the-chest, hurting, wanting to be somewhere, a life elsewhere that never was, unrequited love, all of that kind of longing. Except I have no idea what it is I'm longing for. None. Every year it comes around and does this to me. It must be carried in the evening mist, and it soaks itself into my flesh and bones and makes me feel this way.
I see images: I see things like stone buildings and and french gardens and oak trees and vineyards and wine and log fires; I see myself, soaring high above in some kind of silent and perfect aeroplane, climbing up and up; I see myself standing on a mountain top, watching night fall on the land below. I feel something like, but not quite, alone.
And so it will be each night until spring comes again. The feeling doesn't ever go away completely but it's not so bad in the warmer months. And I don't think I'm alone in having it: a quick search on Google for "autumn+longing" produced a few links to poems and writings. But, introspective as I am, I'd like to understand a bit more of what it is.
11:34:04 PM 
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