George Dafermos' Weblog

Thursday, June 09, 2005

COLOURS

i was told yesterday that love comes in different colours and shades. from passionate red to indifferent brown to lying grey. to the extent that lies define and enchain the only thing that was imagined to reside there. to the extent that one no longer wants to see the other. to the extent that one or the other needs a break and goes away. to the extent of suffocating the vein of truth and eros. to the extent that lies define and enchain the only thing that was imagined to reside there. and something is always lost in the passage from one colour to another. someting, i hope, that can be regained with time and effort. but i don't delude myself. something has changed forever. why? is it because the game of appropriating surplus value, as adorno would say, taints both sides? or is it that honesty and sincerity have no place in that peculiar wittgensteinian game? lies, lies, lies. disappointment, frustration, and delusion. a dream torn apart, the image of love is the love of the image. what is whole is true, said hegel. fuck hegel. the whole is never true. it only depicts a crippled view of utopia.

last night, i had a dream. i dreamt i had lost my breath. i didn't know if i was alive or dead. i was seeing faceless people around me. all were trying to save me. or so they said. everyone who reached out and offered me a hand, i tried to hold it. but i couldn't, no matter how hard i tried. i saw my life through the eyes of somebody else. and you were there. standing, looking at the sun. i tried to come close to you, but in vain. the more i approached you the more far away from me you seemed to be, yet your figure appeared still in time and space. an instance of madness creeping into the dreams of a paranoid? perhaps. perhaps not. and then i saw all the people who really loved me completely and truly, all of them together, smiling to me. and the sky reflected their smile, radiating the warmest light i have ever felt on my face. so bright and so serene at the same time. that morning was the most beautiful morning i ever saw. and you were there, standing next to me, smiling and looking to the sun.

1:09:16 AM

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