"Things I'll Never Say"

I’m tugging at my hair

(I’ve seen lots of nervous girls.  Can’t remember one who tugged at her hair, though.  And frankly, if you were trying to look good and impress someone, would you be sitting there pulling your hair out?  Combing?  Maybe.  Checking for split ends?  Maybe.  Plucking?  Probably not.)
I’m pulling at my clothes

(Slut!)

I’m trying to keep my cool
I know it shows

(Damn, this girl can rhyme!  She’s got the whole A-B-C-B rhyme scheme down.  Aside from that, if she knows that those actions show she is nervous, why did she feel the need to explain that fact to us?  Oh, because she needed a word that rhymed with “clothes.”  That and the girl needs to fill up this song with something, no matter how banal, to get to the chorus.)
I’m staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I’m searching for the words inside my head

(Something tells me that “search” didn’t take long.  Certainly not if she puts the same effort into that as she does into finding the right words for her lyrics.  I bet finding the rhyming link from "red" to "head" took hours.  Or maybe seconds, which probably seemed like hours to her.)

[Pre-Chorus]
(Cause) I’m feeling nervous

(Haven’t we established that?  I get it, Avril!  You’re freakin’ nervous and can’t keep your clothes or hair on.  Turn the page!)
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it

(This begs the question:  how is he worth it?  This is never explained, and frankly, most youngsters who don’t explain why someone is so “gr8t” or “kewl” just plain don’t know and don't want to take the time to realize that there probably isn’t really anything so wonderful other than what they are projecting onto the empty screen of some equally clueless kid.  Now if she came up with some examples as to why he’s worthy of such blind adoration, I might care.  But since he’s nameless (unless it’s Sk8r Boi!), I don't give a damn -- unless he's Sk8r Boi!  Hez kewl!)
You’re worth it

(Why?)
Yeah

[Chorus]
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away

(She wants to blow him...away.  Nice pregnant pause with the sexual innuendo hanging in the air before she comes back in with the little girly voice.  But see, Avril is kewl like that.  She can play with the words, the phrasing, the multiple levels of metaphorical meaning and never lose her incredibly astute and sophisticated audience.  You know, the ones who giggle everytime someone says "69" or think it makes them cool/witty/rebellious if their email address contains the same.  Plus they appreciate the fact that she can slip the hint of oral sex past the censors at Wal-Mart and pass it on to the masses.  Tres magnific, you artiste!  You rebel!  You go, gurl!)
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight

(Again, she's a genius when it comes to rhyme.  Night.  Tight.  Who'da thunk?  And though I haven't mentioned it before, I love her originality.  I've never thought of wanting to be with someone every night.  Never heard it in a song before, either.  Thanks for opening up my eyes, Avril!  In fact, nearly ever line is so original and and well-thought out.  Not a single cliche in the whole song.  It's just so...*cough*  *gag*  *sputter*  Sorry!  I tried, but I can only keep my sarcasm going for so long.   Frankly, the words "original" and "Avril" probably don't find themselves sharing company in the same sentences too often.)

If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down

(Here we go again, Avril, you lil' hussy.  "I want to see you go down" - pause - "On one knee."  Stop being so coy and just blurt out that you want some.  It's obvious at this point that the relationship is purely physical on your part and you just want him to break you off a piece.  I'm sure he won't turn you down.  Teenage boys are kewl like that.  They won't say no.)
On one knee
Marry me today

(Why?  Up to this point she has yet to offer even one little, teensy, tiny hint as to what makes this man -- or dare I say GOD -- worthy of this incredibly trite song.  Notice there's not one word that describes this guy in the entire song.  Not one.  Is he so great that words simply cannot capture his essence?  Probably not.  It's just a bad song.)
Guess, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

(Ok, I've finally figured out her problem.  One:  she's fallen for a guy who is about as deep as spit.  But that's ok, because she's not much deeper.  Second:  the reason she'll never say these words is that she has nothing to say.  Nada.  Zilch.  Zero.  At least nothing a typical thirteen year old couldn't write down with a purple pen and some time to kill.)

It don’t do me any good

(Apparently this guy of hers goes after the smart women.  The ones who have mastered the language.  Something tells me it don't do me any good to listen to this song anymore.)
It’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What’s on my mind

(Those last three lines compose the only part of the song I absolutely agree with.)
If it ain’t coming out

We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care

(Just say these lines to yourself outloud.  They sound stupid, don't they?  If these words were any more juvenile, she'd have to hold her next concert from a womb.)

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

What’s wrong with my tongue

(Do I have to bring up oral sex again?)
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I’ve got nothing to say

(Not "like" you've got nothing to say.  You don't.  Period.)

[Pre-Chorus]

Guess I’m wishing my life away with these things I’ll never say
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you...away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say
These things I’ll never say

(No futher comments, your honor.  The prosecution rests its case.)

Is it too much to ask for someone to look closely at the lyrics of a song before they declare how wonderful it is?  Is it too much to ask for the teenagers of this country to raise the level of their taste in music just a few notches?  I'm not saying all teenagers love Avril or "Things I'll Never Say," but enough do to make me concerned for the future of our country.  And just a piece of advice for all the Avril fans out there:  don't expect to be taken seriously so long as you hold songs like this up as something other than a joke.  One that isn't very funny, at that.

Last update: 4/26/2005; 10:14:52 PM.