Well, it works for me
I learned at a very young age that sometimes people say one thing and do another, so it's always made more sense to me to judge someone by their deeds, and not their words.
My father is of the opinion that when someone's actions are hurful, that you're supposed to sit down and talk with them and tell them that they've hurt you. I guess the assumption there is that they'll see it from your perspective and, if they value their relationship with you then they will apologize and not do it again. I disagree. I tried that. All I ended up doing was telling people how hurt I was and then having them turn around and do it again. Worse, I'd tell people that I was hurt and I'd hear that I was wrong, or crazy, or too sensitive. Well, that may be true, but it doesn't make me feel any less hurt, does it?
You can see exactly how someone feels about you by paying attention to how they behave. Why would you bother talking to them and trying to get them to change their minds after they've already given you a clear indication of how they really feel? The worst thing I can think of is talking to someone who's hurt me and then having them act in a certain way just because I wanted them to, not because they wanted to. If it doesn't come naturally then who am I to force anyone?
So for example, when someone sells their house and moves away and doesn't bother to tell you, then that's pretty telling, isn't it? Or when a family member has a baby and nobody bothers to let you know, it gives you a pretty good idea of how important your family thinks you are. Or when a close friend goes months without calling and cancels plans constantly at the last minute? Why do you need to sit down and talk to any of these people when they've already given you a billboard-sized sign that tells you exactly how much they value their relationship with you?
That doesn't mean I'm angry at these people. On the contrary, I'm disappointed, but really quite grateful that they've shown me clearly where our relationship stands. I just continue the relationship on whatever terms is appropriate given what their actions tell me. If its superficial, then so be it. If it's close, then that's wonderful. But I don't bother listening to words anymore. They come too easy. All the hugs and polite conversation and social niceties are really just static, getting in the way of what's real.
What really confuses me, though, is people who say one thing and do another over and over and then expect me to ignore the deeds and instead focus on the words. The sad thing is that they're actually bewildered as to why I behave the way I do. And the interesting thing is that they never ask. Because if they asked, I would tell them. I think deep down they know. They just don't want to change. And that's fine. Just don't expect me to pour energy into a relationship that's built on nothing more than the words inside a Hallmark card.
8:17:24 AM 
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