I've learned quite a few things about myself through this last date, some days I wish I could rewind and start over and yet I guess I wouldn't have learned these new things about myself

I talk way too much on the first date and if I really like someone its because I'm nervous and now I will learn to shut up and listen.

conventional - I am not and if you're not interested at least have the guts to say you're not instead of ignoring emails and phone calls. I will never follow conventional rules of anything including so-called dating protocols and while it might seem that I'm manic or weird, I'll keep writing emails til I get a response. I question everything and I can't just let something go because I'm always left wondering what if - so if there is no what ifs - tell me straight and then I can let it go.

so in passing, he wasn't interested, good to know. hope his life turns out the way he wants and he finds the right person that wants whatever it is he wants and likes him for who he is and not the image of a guitarist and likes his music. I think he's losing out here but that's just my opinion.

and while I think dating has its points, I'm not forever into being on match so I can just get a date for Friday night, well, one I usually work late on Friday nights but the point is, I'm looking for something more. I am looking for what all my friends have, that relationship that makes me giddy just thinking about him, that relationship that will last.

I'm trying way to hard to find that person, I need to relax and let magick happen.

6:20:56 PM    comment []  

**update* moving this to the dating category - actually I don't want it on my home page and its a lesson learned in the world of dating, plus I realized a few things:

why didn't he call to see if I was ok?

conventional - I am not and if you're not interested at least have the guts to say you're not instead of ignoring emails and phone calls. I will never follow conventional rules of anything including so-called dating protocols and while it might seem that I'm manic or weird, I'll keep writing emails til I get a response. I question everything and I can't just let something go because I'm always left wondering what if - so if there is no what ifs - tell me straight and then I can let it go

so in passing, he wasn't interested, good to know. hope his life turns out the way he wants and he finds the right person that wants whatever it is he wants.

the original message to H

how to convey what I'm feeling inside, I am so pissed off at myself right now, i feel soooooooooo bad inside.

I was to meet "h" last night at 7:30 at the Muddy Waters. I left my client's site at 7pm which is plenty of time or so I thought to get to from downtown to mission/castro area but I couldn't find parking for almost an hour and when I finally did, it took me 15mins to walk to Muddy Waters and he was gone. I was so frustrated looking for a spot, I might have missed a couple. I got turned around trying to find one and keep my bearings about where I was and then ended up parking in a place I could probably get a ticket and with my luck last night, i figured I would.

I sent him two emails and left a message saying I was sorry. It is so not like me. I always show up, I admit, I'm always late but never that late. I guess its up to him to give me another chance. I still would really really really like to see him again and I hope he understands and gives me a second chance.

but I don't know how to convey how fucking sorry I am and that in the pit of my stomach, I feel so incredibly bad about last night because I feel like the biggest jerk and things happen and I just could not find a parking spot. Wouldn't you know as soon as I walked back to my car and headed back to work, there was so many spots available right by the coffee shop

my mom reminded me of one night i was suppose to be at a family dinner thing and I left the house an hour and half before I had to be in the city, it was raining that night and there were 3 accidents on 80 on the way to the restaurant and then I couldn't find this obscure restaurant and by the time I got there - 2 hours later, they had already ordered their food. I felt bad then but not as bad as I feel right now.

so H - if you're reading this, call me because I'd really like to see you again.

3:26:47 PM    comment []