Frankly, I've never been that great a prognosticator, but, you know, I've noticed that the track records of the serial crystal-ball gazers in this business don't tend to be any better than mine. So here are my predictions for the six likeliest news stories of 2006 that will raise the ire of my readers.
Daily Intuit Sunsets
In a stirring affirmation of the viability of its long-time business model, Intuit today announced it will move to daily sunsets of its Quicken personal financial software, meaning that those using Quicken for on-line banking will need to buy a new version of the program every day. "It is the logical extension of the sunsetting policy we have been developing over the last few years," said an Intuit spokesperson. "It will enable us to focus our development and support efforts on providing the best customer experience possible for one day. We believe our customers will happily renew every day, but, if not, of course all monies remaining in the non-renewed account will immediately become Intuit's property. After all, the sun itself sets every day, so why shouldn't our customer's licensing rights do so as well?"
Dell Will Respond Faster to Motherboard Disasters
Showing it takes customer complaints about defective motherboards seriously, Dell technical support has announced a new rapid-response facility. "When a customer reports a Dell motherboard has exploded or spontaneously combusted, we will immediately dispatch a specially trained team to help put out the fire," a company spokesman said. After the team declares the emergency at an end, the customer will then be able to apply for replacement of the defective parts, if available, in the usual manner. "Customers should allow 72 hours to a week for the fire-fighting team to arrive," the spokesman added. "It can be a long trip from Hyderabad."
AOL Makes Service Cancellations Easy
Under pressure from state prosecutors to make it easier for customers to cancel their service, AOL has announced a new Instant Termination plan. "We at AOL do understand that customers can grow tired of having their credit card billed monthly even years after they first tried to cancel," an AOL official said. "This new plan is guaranteed to eliminate those continuing charges. All you have to do now is make a one-time payment equal to what you would have paid over the next 24 months, and we'll let you go. Of course, we will have to keep your credit card on file just in case we hike our rates any time in the next two years."
Entertainment Industry Agrees on DNA-Based DRM
Media conglomerates have put aside their wrangling over what Digital Rights Management technology to use, adopting a standard developed by Sony and its DRM experts that will provide copy protection for music, movies, TV shows, and computer programs. "The exciting thing about this technology is it employs DNA technology to make absolutely certain the user matches our records as having a valid license," a Sony spokesperson explained. "All the user has to do whenever he or she wishes to listen to a tune, play a DVD, watch a TV show, etc. is to provide just a few drops of blood for the built-in DNA testing device, which will then use the Internet to check the DNA profile match. In just a few hours, your right to enjoy the media you have licensed will be confirmed." Diabetics and others who might be constrained in how much blood they can supply will be given the alternative of providing hair roots, the spokesperson added. "It's not that anybody in the entertainment industry wants the blood of our customers -- it's just that we need it."
Windows, Spyware EULAs to Merge
The strategy behind Microsoft's recent acquisition of Claria, 180Solutions, and Direct Revenue is becoming clearer. "What we really wanted these companies for is their EULAs, so we can integrate them with the Windows EULA," a source at Microsoft explained. "Now in order to use any new computer, you'll have to agree to a EULA that allows us to display ads from our combined network in perpetuity." The source said Microsoft expects other anti-spyware vendors to follow its leading in changing the type of software that is targeted for removal. "Instead of tagging Gator or 180search as spyware, anti-spyware tools will now look for programs and websites that display ads without having gotten the user to click OK to a EULA. Such as Google and Yahoo, for instance."
Federal Government Outsourced to China
Based on the great success American companies have enjoyed in offshoring the entire IT profession, it was announced today that the U.S. government will be outsourced to China. "The savings and greater efficiencies that will be achieved in this fashion make this what you Americans would call a 'no-brainer,'" said a U.S. government spokesperson in Beijing. "By eliminating such wasteful expenditures of money as social security or the elections scheduled for later this year, the American government will be able to focus its resources on its primary mission of fighting terrorism. While this may cause some distress for the President, Cabinet, Congress and other federal workers who are losing their jobs, we are certain that with re-training they can find useful employment."
Read and post comments about this story here.
1:06:44 AM 
|
|
