ibyx: Me and My Life

busy, busy, busy II

Tue, 09 Sep 2003 23:20:44 GMT

I miss the blogoverse but have been too busy to allow myself to get re-engaged. Still in the rebuilding stages of the front porch. We finally have the floor down and primed so we don't have to trek through a mudpit and climb up a stepladder to get in the front door. Spent last week preparing a display to represent our regional cohousing association at a local festival. Made a banner, and two backboards. Turned out nicely, if I say so myself. I also got out nearly 70 letters of invitation to local preschools to participate in the annual preschool education fair that the family resource center organizes. I'm also still slogging away editing the korean-english dictionary pages for a friend, and am putting in an hour or so a day on campaign work for my friend who is running for city council. Too many commitments, I know...

Blew off the Dean rally in College Park, MD last night. Only 15 mins away but it really felt like I should be home hanging out with my guys. I actually got it together to make dinner [vegetable curry -- too spicy for me and TLG though]. We had a pleasant evening. Turns out 4000 people came out to hear him. It's exciting and part of me wants to be more involved. I keep telling myself there is plenty of time until the primary here -- and even more time until Nov. 04 and I just have to be more balanced in my commitments.

TLG's preschool teacher came for her home visit today. TLG was pretty excited to have her come over. He and I overslept and then ran around for an hour picking up toys, sweeping, dusting, and mopping. The place was really a pit. Dustbunnies the size of hamsters. Luckily he is at the age where he can actually really help. We got it together before she came over and they had a really nice visit. I have been having mixed feelings about her, but she was really great with him and he really responded to her. School starts on Monday. Mon-Th, 9:30 to 1:00. I am hoping he really enjoys it.

Despite the fact that the house is reasonably livable, dinner is made, and I am making fairly steady progress on all my myriad lists and obligations I feel blue this evening. Out of sorts. Adrift. The news of the two bombings in Israel really got under my skin today. I have been extremely critical of the Israeli gov't in recent years but I am starting to have the kind of violent reactionary thoughts about the radical palestinian factions that I condemn in others. It makes me so angry -- and not just because of the tragedy of the deaths of innocents on both sides. It makes me so angry because every attacks makes a peaceful solution that much less likely. Feeling angry and hopeless about that I guess.

I also have to admit I have been less than diligent about taking my meds over the last several months. Plain old garden variety stupidity and self-sabotage. With the days getting noticably shorter it is like playing russian roulette with my emotional health. I think I need to get my light box out of the attic and set it up next to my computer.

When I was at the folk festival on Sunday staffing the cohousing display I saw a family of four each carrying red, white and blue BUSH 2004 helium balloons. [Turns out the local cheap labor conservatives had a booth just a few doors down from ours]. I had such a string visceral reaction of anger upon seeing those balloons. I just wanted to march up to their tanned and blond selves and shout, "Are you freakin' kidding me!?!?! I mean, on what planet is THAT a good idea!?!?!" But they were walking with their little ones and I was too angry to get into it in any kind of sane way. So instead I just seethed all day watching those balloons. I knew damn well that a certain percentage of folks getting those balloons didn't have a choice in the matter. When you are walking around with a little kid at a festival or fair and someone is giving away helium balloons -- well, you have limited options. [Your integrity vs a temper tantrum in a crowded asphalt parking lot on a 90-plus degree day...] Still ....

Random, mundane, probably boring as hell ... that's all I gots to give right now luvies....

later gators...

personal whining

Mon, 18 Aug 2003 02:21:52 GMT

Politicked out for the time being. Tired. Sleepy tired and emotionally really worn out. Have been negligent in taking my meds every day and is starting to take a toll. Feeling indecisive and pulled in half a dozen directions. Feel like I need 48 hours all to myself. No house, no scratchy dog pushing her nose up under my hands to pet her, no cats mewing to be fed 6x a day or sitting on top of my keyboard demanding my attention, no dishes to be done or floors to be swept or phone calls to make or laundry to be done or 4 yr old little guy to entertain. Just me. I need it now but am not likely to get it for a couple of months. Just too much going on. My dad is still in the states, TBG is in the middle of rebuilding our front porch, the new school year starts soon and i have a to-do list 3 pages long of all the things I have volunteered to help with over the next couple of months. Over-extended again. tired. need to be taking my damn meds... need to be better at listening to myself and taking care of myself.

Friday Five

Sat, 09 Aug 2003 03:31:56 GMT

Because I can't seem to write anything of value today anyway...

1. What's the last place you traveled to, outside your own home state/country?

Well I have been to many interesting places in the world, but the last one visited was not so exciting. Last out-of-state venture was just a week ago -- a road trip with TLG to Ohio to see my sister and her family. Last out-of-country venture, hmmm ... Probably the fall of '98. I was in Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire, making arrangements for the Microcredit Summit Meeting of Councils to take place at the Hotel Ivoire in the summer of '99.

2. What's the most bizarre/unusual thing that's ever happened to you while traveling?

Oh my, the stories I could tell... I did fall into an open sewer in Kumasi, Ghana while trying to take a portrait photo of an Ashanti Village Elder. [The photos at this link are not mine]

3. If you could take off to anywhere, money and time being no object, where would you go?

Africa. Again. And I would travel over every inch. After that, Australia and mostly just to go here and especially here. Dorky I know. But I have a soft spot for the Irwins and petting a tiger is on my list of must-do's before my time here is up.

4. Do you prefer traveling by plane, train or car?

Car [as long as I am driving], train and then plane. In that order.

5. What's the next place on your list to visit?

With TLG, Dinosaur National Monument. Just me and TBG without the little guy? We would love to hit New Orleans again. Or Amsterdam again. Two fun towns with great food.

Random Thoughts

Thu, 07 Aug 2003 19:04:18 GMT

Sitting here, TLG next to me as usual, pushing some lego train cars across the one small clear spot on my desk. It's quiet in the house with the exception of the intermittant growl of the sawzall. TBG is on what's left of the porch roof and huge chunks of wood and shingles periodically fall past my window as the room I am sitting in gets brighter and brighter as more sunlight is able to stream in. The time has come to tear down our dilapidated front porch and rebuild it. TBG has taken advantage of my Dad's visit to get some work done.

I feel stupidly sleepy considering I got a lovely 9 hours sleep. I think it's probably emotional rather than physical fatigue.

Didn't make it to the Dean Meet-up last night. TBG was later coming home from work and I was crampy and pissy. There's always next month. In reality I've already taken too much on as it is.

Been ruminating on two issues that I hope to post on when I am feeling less lethargic and foggy. One, I am really curious about this whole "democrats are soft on national defense" meme. I mean I'm 35 years old and don't think I have had my head in a bucket for most of my adult life and yet, personally, I haven't seen any evidence of this. I don't understand where it comes from and why it seems to have such a hold on the public consciousness. Second, I have been thinking a lot about anger as a fuel for action. I hope to do some writing on both these some time in the next couple of days.

Finally, a request to me readers. I see that my traffic stats are very slowly rising and that, of course, delights me. I would be so grateful to the folks that drop in if they would leave a brief note in the comments to indicate whether they like/dislike/are bored by/intrigued by what they see here. A little input would go a long way right now.

later luv pups...

personal miscellany

Wed, 06 Aug 2003 03:21:49 GMT

My eyes throb like I've been crying all day. Which I haven't been. Not all day, anyway. But it has been an emotional 24 hours. My Dad [here for his yearly visit from Israel] have been butting heads all day. So badly that I called my therapist mid afternoon and she agreed to see me this afternoon. 36-friggin years old and my dad's "constructive" criticism still sends me tumbling down that dark, cold, well of self-loathing. He and I had it out a bit and I think he will lay off some. At least TLG is enjoying having his "saba" here. [Hebrew for Grandfather].

Straight from my therapists office to the meeting that I alluded to mysteriously yesterday. It's official: I will be serving as Campaign Manager for a local guy who will run for City Council in our fair little town. I've never done anything exactly like this before, though I have done some grassroots organizing and advocacy work. But I think the guy in question will be a good Councilperson, and working on his campaign will be a fun, 3 month gig. [It's a volunteer position of course, no paid staff on a campaign this local.] We had an initial strategy session tonight. He seemed really pleased with the ideas and insights I brought to the table.

In any case it's been a long and more-intense-than-usual 24 hours. I am still hoping to go to the Dean Meet-up tomorrow night. I enjoyed volunteering for the Bradley Campaign in 99-2000 so I would like to do some Dean work too. We'll see how I feel tomorrow night...

busy, busy, busy

Mon, 04 Aug 2003 03:27:04 GMT

Well, my Dad arrives from Israel in just 14 hours. And I will be working at the family resource center in the morning with TLG [much more of a challenge] because all our friends who usually take him for a "playdate" are out of town vacationing. Then I have meetings Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Wednesday I will be going to the local "Meet Up" for Howard Dean for the first time. They are getting together not even 10 minutes from my front door so I thought I would drop in and see how involved I want to be. And Tuesday evening ... well, that little affair is confidential at the moment but I am jumping in with both feet, in over my head yet again, on a new project that I think will be much fun and a good learning experience. I will share a bunch about it as soon as I can.

later gators...

light blogging ahead

Fri, 01 Aug 2003 15:31:29 GMT

I've started working on a Head Start update post but finishing it will probably have to wait until later tonight or tomorrow. Going to drop in on TLG's Grandma and Great-Grandma today and then cook a nice Shabbat dinner for the family. Then I have to clean up the chaos that is our home because my Dad arrives from Israel on Monday for a couple of weeks stateside.

until later luvies...

I'm back, I'm back, I'm back...

Fri, 01 Aug 2003 01:01:12 GMT

50 some hours away from my beloved world o' blogging and I feel weeks behind. Egad.

First, a big smooch to Ampersand at Alas and the Bohemian Mama herself for linking to my Head Start post and sending some folks my way.

On Tuesday morning, TLG and I packed up the car and hit the road heading NW toward Cleveland to visit my sister and her kids. It's about a 6.5 hour car ride if you just get in and do it. However, when you travel with an almost-4 yr old it takes a little longer. Door-to-door: 9 hours. However, that did include: 20 min trip to local food coop for healthy snacks, 40 min pit-stop at Border's Books to use the restroom and buy "Little Bear's Friend" and "Cow on the Track" on tape, an hour lunch at a McDonalds with one of those playgrounds, and other misc. bathroom breaks.

We were going to stay 3 or 4 days. We were there about 18 hours when my brother-in-law came home from the doctor's with a diagnosis of mumps. Yes, mumps. Now this was a bit of a crisis because the MMR [and varicella] are the only vaccines that TLG has not yet received. So a quick call to our pediatrician and a quick call to TBG and we decided it would be best not to stay. Not even 24 hours after we arrived, we packed up the car again and hit the road home. This time however, I decided to split up the trip. I drove 3 hours and got a room at a Holiday Inn that had an indoor pool. TLG guy and I went swimming, caught dinner at Bob Evans [I am getting too old for road trip food] and then watched Animal Planet until we fell asleep. Took it easy in the am. Swam again. Breakfast at Denny's. Then back on the road. What should have taken us another 3 hours, however, took 7. Yes, seven. And I can't even blame it on TLG. I just decided to take more "scenic" routes and meandered all over SW PA to get home. And we stopped at "Living Treasures Animal Park" in Donegal, PA. Which would have been fun except that when I finally got TLG comfortable enough to risk feeding the animals [he watched me feed deer, goats, antelope, sheep, camels, Llama, and even emu] we were at the donkeys. One of whom promptly bit him. Hard. On his little pinky finger. It was really not pretty. Broke the skin and everything. Not really bloody, but the tooth mark was pretty grim until it faded.

Anyway, we are home again now and I have a ton of blog reading I want to do. [Did I mention that I have almost 6 dozen blogs bookmarked that I try to check in with each day?] I want to get back to HeadStart too ... Everything in time...

[By the way, my sister called me after I had already passed the half-way mark on the PA turnpike to tell me that they got a second opinion today. It was not mumps but a serious bacterial infection. They pumped him with antibiotics and sent him home.]

Typing Blind

Sat, 26 Jul 2003 12:46:55 GMT

Stream of consciousness drivel in which too many different and unrelated points are attempted.

It’s late. I am tired. A little sad and feeling a little thin. Typing with my eyes closed at the moment which feels relaxing and comforting but will require a great deal of cleaning up before I hit publish.

Speaking of typing blind. In the early days of TBG and my courtship. (When we were just living together, and renovating our 80 yr old barely habitable fixer-upper) we would have what felt to me like command performances at my not-quite-yet in-laws. They lived less than an hour away and we had dinner with them 2 to 3 times a month. (N.B. They are tremendous people, I could not ask for better in-laws but at that point I was very uncomfortable with having these new parental figures in my life.) And their family dynamics were so different than mine. Very buttoned-down. No one ever seemed to argue or express a contradictory thought. No feeling more intense than gentle amusement or mild consternation was expressed. And when “delicate” topics needed to be discussed [i.e. feelings, money, wedding plans, ] I simply didn’t understand they way they communicated – coming to arrangements without ever seeming to actually talk through the topic everyone was assiduously avoiding. For a passionate, loud, assertive, Jewish woman whose mouth runs at least as fast as my mind, this was torture. I would sit at the dinner table, and my only outlet for the anxiety and tension that this Chinese water torture of deliberation created in me, was to type out what I was thinking against my thighs under the dining room table. Needless to say, my perception of my in-laws have changed as our relationship has developed over the last

decade. But it is interesting to me that sitting down to this keyboard in the dark, with closed eyes has offered me a respite , a release that called to mind those trying dinners…

But where was I …

Oh yes, feeling thin. I have spent a ridiculous amount to time on=line this week. Reading bloggers. Writing. Researching. [3 hours researching head start this afternoon. Why?!] Why? I mean, yes I care about it. But who am I fooling? Only a couple of dozen people are dropping by here each day and most of them aren’t staying around a hell of a long time. And nobody on Capital Hill is waiting for my analysis of 15 years of research and review of Head Start programs. And hell, I know what I think – I didn’t need to spend 3 hours doing the research to prove a point to myself.

It was fun though. In a way. Fun to see how far I could get with just my cable modem and google. I really did find enough source material that with maybe one trip to the UM library to check out a few professional journals, I could have put together a professional- or academic-quality overview. Obviously the project gave me some kind of juice I had been missing. But I am not sure what kind. Was it the intellectual stimulation? The sense of validation that the majority of research supports everything I intuitively believe about the importance of child rearing/child care/education? The need to impress folks “out there” with a whiz bang post? Probably a bit of it all. And somehow it all comes down to ego, eh? Stroking the self. And maybe that’s why I feel thin tonight. Because I jumped into the deep end of the pool with this blogging thing and immediately felt the need to be successful. Rather than just rolling over onto my back for a nice, relaxing, meditative float.

So a reminder to me: I am doing this for me, yeah? So relax …

[written last night, posted this morning]

Sat, 26 Jul 2003 00:17:31 GMT

Spent 3 hours this afternoon researching Head Start on-line. I have a draft post written but am too tired to finish tonight. Still have to do some laundry or TLG will be back in diapers tomorrow instead of dinosaur underwear. Tomorrow, TBG and I meet with our architect again. I am excited and nervous. I will post about it here.

I am going to drag my tired and slightly cranky tush away from the keyboard and go join the guys in the other room. Where TBG is reading about -- what else?-- dinosaurs to TLG.

personal miscellany

Thu, 24 Jul 2003 20:57:46 GMT

This will be one of those slice 'o' my life posts that will be of only minimal interest to anyone except maybe my mother ... You've been warned.

Late afternoon of a pleasant, sufficiently productive day. I could nap but I won't. Increasingly I wake from an afternoon nap feeling worse than before. Heavy-headed, achy, almost a hung-over feeling. Which is such a shame because I do so enjoy a nap, and being the stay-at-home parent still affords me that luxury.

TLG was at a friend's in the am while I went to a dr. appt. with a dermatologist. It was short and sweet. He just basically gives me a once over every couple of years to ensure that none of my many moles have turned nasty. When I was there 3 years ago he removed 4 but they all came back benign. This time there wasn't even anything suspicious looking enough to warrant removal. I am really not so skilled at taking good care of my physical self -- I manage to make it to the dentist only once/decade for example -- but skin cancer scares me silly. And while I was never a bikini-goddess in my not-nearly-sufficiently-mispent youth [translation: I was a goody-two-shoes] I did spend a year in Israel and 4 months getting bronzed under the Equatorial sun in Africa. So it's one of the few areas I am proactive about my health.

After the appt., I picked up TLG and his friend and we went to Old Mc'Ds for lunch. They played on the playground and then at our house. When TLG started claiming every single one of his 6 dozen battered matchbox vehicles as a "special toy" he didn't want to share, I knew it was time to call it a day. So we returned said friend to his home and retreated to our [cool!] dark house for TV and computer time. And here we are...

...

Returning from a quick break to get TLG some celery to snack on and change the channel on the TV for him, I noticed the mail was here. Bills, credit card offers, clothes catalogues, and mmmm ... catalogue from Penzey's Spices. My in-laws clued us into this mail order heaven for epicures. It's amazing how a high quality, fresh selection of herbs and spices can turn even me into a Ms. Child wanna-be. Very reasonably priced, and even a chef whose most oft-repeated recipe is Annie's mac-n-cheese can easily appreciate the difference in quality between these and grocery store brand spices. I highly recommend the Bicentennial Rub, in particular. Especially on roast chicken. And if you haven't baked with Double Strength Vanilla Extract or China Cassia Cinnamon, then you have yet to experience the gustatory pleasure those two flavors can offer.

Well ... I am rambled out at the moment. And in need of a snack myself.

until later luvies...

Fri, 18 Jul 2003 14:19:32 GMT

TLG is watching too much TV and we are tripping over piles of dirty laundry. AC or no AC it is time for me to pry myself away from the monitor and engage with life 3D.

But I will be following this closely.

It's still friggin hot in here ...

Thu, 17 Jul 2003 02:22:54 GMT

The AC guys came and went. And it's still over 80 degrees upstairs. It seems yet another part is required and it won't be in until Monday and they won't schedule another service all until the part is in. And tomorrow it's supposed to be in the 90's.

I am still on a cleaning and cooking strike until I can move across the room without leaving a trail of sweat.

And yes, I know plenty of people on the planet don't have AC. If we were set-up to be comfortable without AC, that would be different. But we own no fans, most of our windows don't have screens and the mosquitos are so bad that I can't bear to leave them open.

Mon, 14 Jul 2003 20:21:17 GMT

Well. After tearing the house apart again, I bit the bullet and called my contact at the city and 'fessed up. She was much less flipped out than I was. She said, as long as the check wasn't endorsed prior to it being lost [it wasn't] she would set the wheels in motion for it to be voided and another one issued. She, of course, could give no guarantees on turn-around time. Now I just have to tell the landlord that I am not sure when we will be able to write the next rent check. Gulp. She has been extremely cool so far, but still ...

I am struggling with how anonymous I want to remain on this site. On the one hand, I have linked this site to From Here to There - a journal documenting our family's joining a cohousing community and building a new log home. So there will be plenty of specific personal info on that site. On the other hand, because I am active in my local community and involved with developing the cohousing community as well, I feel that a lack of anonymity will inhibit the candid reflection and venting I may want to do here.

It's a dilemma and I am wondering how other bloggers deal with it. I know some folks just have personal blogs that they don't really advertise. Then they only share the URL with select friends and family. And then some folks have much more public blogs where they share their creativity, writing, opinions and research. Those blogs tend to be less personal. I am inclined to combine the two here. A matter for on-going reflection.

More Miscellany

Mon, 14 Jul 2003 13:06:10 GMT

Trying to take deep breaths and stave off a panic attack this morning. That damn check is all I thouight about all night long. I am dreading the thought that I may have to go, tail between my legs and ask the issuer to void it and reissue. Which is kind of a big deal because the issuer is the local govt who is accountable to the county govt who is accountable to the federal govt for this money. What a mess. I can be such an idiot. Usually no matter how deep the clutter around here, I know where the important stuff is. BUt I cannot for the life of me remember where I stashed this -- or even whether I stashed this -- in a "safe" place. AUUUGGGHHH.

In other news: A/C still broken. House a mess. Spent a nice weekend at the in-laws [they feed us very well when we are there]. In just a few moments I am off to the family resource center to coordinate "messy play monday" for little ones and their caregivers. I wish I actually enjoyed that more...

more later??

Hypothetical Question

Mon, 14 Jul 2003 03:16:16 GMT

If you couldn't find a check for $15,000 that didn't belong to you, which was entrusted to you for safe-keeping, and you were supposed to turn over to someone else, where would you look for it?

Hypothetically speaking, of course...

Because I don't spend enough time on-line already

Sat, 12 Jul 2003 19:45:06 GMT

Introducing my new Type-Pad beta-testing blog: From Here to There. This blog will chronicle our family's journey to building a new log home in a new cohousing community.

Miscellany

Fri, 11 Jul 2003 15:56:55 GMT

First: I am delighted to report that my post on Head Start has had at least this much impact. As a result of my tip, Jesse of The Wage Slave Journal has added this issue to the Scorecard of Evil.

And now, in no particular order:

TBG set something up for me several weeks ago and it wasn't until this morning that I realized how effective it was. I use a trackball mouse quite frankly because my desk is often too cluttered to facilitate the roaming of the traditional kind. However, I was starting to complain about some tingling in my wrist so he bought me a wireless mouse of the more traditional variety. What is so neat about this now is that both mice [my, that sounds silly] are set up to work at the same time and are always available to me. Now I can switch back and forth all day long. And it occurred to me this morning that my wrist feels much better now that it I am able to alternate the kind of mouse I am using. I recommend it.

I feel ridiuclously pleased to report that I have been selected to beta-test Type Pad. I've only had a few hours to play with it so I will not link to my test site yet but I will soon. I think I will use it to document our family's process over the next year as we build our home and help develop Proximity.

We are off in about an hour to meet with the green architect/engineer that we are consulting with on our house. Up to about 3 weeks ago we thought we were in good shape. We had selected a log home company to work with and settled on a basic house design. And then we realized that we were working from faulty data. It turns out that the gorgeous view is not on the south side of the house. So the huge 2 story wall of windows we have planned will either (1) point south for solar gain and overlook the septic drain fields or (2) overlook our rolling hills, Furnace Mountain Ridge and Sugar Loaf Mountain and face the energy-inappropriate East. TBG and I were up very late last night wrestling with the house plan. trying to solve this problem. No success. And did I mention that -- to complicate things further -- our building site is also on a steep hill that drops eastward toward the view?

In other news, my mother, who had been visiting from Israel, left yesterday. I am happy to report that it was a really nice visit. The first such we have had since she moved there nearly 12 years ago. A decade of therapy seems to be paying off...

Our A/C is still broken though the last 24 hours have actually been okay because it has been cool and overcast outside. It's only supposed to be in the mid 80's this weekend, as opposed to the mid 90's so maybe it will be bearable.

Well I have to hustle off to get ready for our meeting.

hasta la vista babies.