BLACKFIVE VS THE BULLY: PART 2

In the last exciting episode, little Blackfive was concerned about getting beaten up by bullies (as I mentioned here). He asked his father for advice and got, "Well, when Johnny has you cornered and is taunting you about your mother, punch him as hard as you can". From his father - the Episcopal priest.

Well, now we finally get to see how the deal goes down.

Just a hint: not as it was scripted, but still soul-satisfying.

Scroll down to 8/30/03 "Apologies from Blackfive..." if permalinks are Blogspotted.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Grandma was very disappointed in Pie Face, since her other grandkids, Cookie Fingers and Guacamole Brains, had given her much more thoughtful presents.

SYBIL TRACKING

After considering the excellent advice I got from everybody on my "which site traffic tracker should I use?" post, I decided to go with Ted's advice and have all three site traffic trackers going at once. Now I can spend hours going from one to the other in an orgy of self-absorption.

ADDENDUM: Newsflash from HQ: Sitemeter is requested/required on all Alliance blogs (as is membership in the Truth Laid Bear Ecosystem) so that we can prove, once and for all, that THE ALLIANCE, and not the evil Puppy Blender, is the heart of the Blogosphere.

DON'T DRINK THE WATER

(A FILTHY LIE)

I was chatting with a co-worker the other day, and he asked me, "Hey, Harv, how come Evian water has an expiration date?"

Puzzled, I looked at the bottle and, sure enough - bottled 2-8-2003, expires 2-8-2005. How peculiar. It's WATER. What could possibly make water go bad in 2 years? So I called the company...

Evian rep: Good afternoon, it's a great day at Evian, how may I help you? [background: Hey Marge! Get me a puppy shake, would you?]

Harv: Evil Glenn! Is that you?

Evil Glenn: ... Crap. I thought I had the mute button depressed. Oh well. Yeah, it's me.

Harv: What are you doing working for Evian?

Evil Glenn: Have you priced a good hobo-whackin' hammer lately? Craftsman ain't exactly giving them away.

Harv: Uh, ok. Well, anyway, what's the deal with Evian having an expiration date. Water doesn't go bad. How stupid do you think people are?

Evil Glenn: Infinitely. Look, since the Alliance is powerless to stop my sinister plans for blogspheric domination, I'll let you in on a little secret. You're right - water doesn't have a shelf life. It's what's in the water.

Harv: My recipe says hydrogen and oxygen.

Evil Glenn: Fool! This is French water. It has secret ingredients.

Harv: Secret ingredients?

Evil Glenn: Some special chemical compounds indigenous to France, like cowardinium, annoylium, and stinkite. They're radioactive and very potent. But they have a short half-life so they're only useful as transformative catalysts for 2 years.

Harv: But what do these chemicals do?

Evil Glenn: Just what their names suggest. When consumed, they make a person cowardly, annoying, plus gives them the same smell you'd pick up from rolling around in garbage with a skunk at a discount whorehouse.

Harv: You're turning everyone French?

Evil Glenn: Oui.

Harv: You monster! What good could it possibly do you to fill the world with spineless, stinking backstabbers?

Evil Glenn: Remember penguin porn?

Harv: Yes, but...

Evil Glenn: Once everyone is French, sales will skyrocket! Think about it: soon every porn star will become hairy, flabby, scabby and repulsive. Once that happens, which will you find more erotic?

Harv: Well, penguins, of course, but... Oh my GOD!

Evil Glenn: MUA-HA-HA! Gotta run. The puppy's starting to coagulate. [click]

Harv: ... you evil bastard...

Horrifying, but true. Evil Glenn is going to turn the world French to bolster his penguin porn empire. This must be stopped!

Instapundo Delenda Est!

UPDATE (9-1-03): Apparently this French connection flows deeper than just water.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

The California Governor, irritated by his inability to make the budget numbers work, takes his frustrations out on an innocent $2 bill.

NAKED PALESTINIANS

I didn't really read a lot of classic fables, but I've heard the condensed version of "The Emperor's New Clothes" enough times to get the point. A man struts around naked, acting like he's all that and a bag of chips, and everyone's too afraid to say anything. At this point, the Emperor has power. A young boy yells out "he's naked!", at which point everyone laughs.

No more power.

Now, I'm sure Frank J. never had any intention of making a political statement with this post, but when he mocks the terrorist group Hamas in typical hilarious Frank-fashion, he takes away some of their power. You can't fear something you laugh at.

Some people shout hateful threats at the enemy and that's good, but crafty Americans know it's actually more effective to mock and humiliate. It makes the enemy angry, careless, and easier to shoot.

Here's a taste of Hama-ckery:

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* Hamas is Arabic for "dumb f--ks with explosives".

* Contrary to popular belief, Hamas has nothing to do with ham. Actually, if you throw hams at them, they'll get angry.

* I don't like to loosely throw around charges of anti-Semitism, but I don't think Hamas members like Jews.

* One of the reasons that they keep attacking is that none of the Hamas members knows what "ceasefire" means and are too embarrassed to ask.

* Suicide bombings started when parents found out how much money they would save if their kids just blew themselves up instead of going to college.

* If you see a Hamas member, shout, "Hey! Look! It's a Jew!" Maybe he'll set himself off early. Dumbass.

* If a Hamas member says he wants peace, it's a trick! Shoot him the head.

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It's really funny so you'll laugh and want more. As they say in Mexico, "HA! Mas!"

KEEPING TRACK

I'm currently using Blogpatrol as my hit counter & stat collector for this blog. It was just something I found while Googling around for counters back in my early Blogspot days and I just stuck with it out of habit. It works reliably, and gives me a few stats & links, but I'd like to be able to find out more details & go back farther than "the last 10 referrers".

Sitemeter and Extreme Tracking both seem to be pretty popular, but I'm a little hesitant to reset my hit counter to zero and then find out the one I picked sucks, so, I'm begging for advice.

What stat service do you use? Do you like it? Do you use more than one?

Links and comments greatly appreciated on this one.

FISKING A 9/11 ASSHAT

I just don't understand the people who take the "we deserved it" line on the terrorist attacks. It really makes me want to put my whackin' stick to good use.

Fortunately, the Emperor uses a barbed-wire ClueBat in such cases, and this time he hits a home run. Here's a taste

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Such a profound sense of sadness, of pity towards the people there and what they were going through, for the families of those who were there and what they would go through. My whole familiy sat in tears as the news came in.

...and then you went to have another hit from the bong and read up a bit on your Chomsky, and all was well again. Not to mention that you felt safe, your loved ones weren't the ones jumping from the towers, so why should you care?

At the same time, there was an undercurrent of optimism. Now, at least, Americans would come to understand how people overseas felt when the US military came to town, when the CIA played with there goverments and their destinies. Now Americans would understand, and empathise, and hold there own leaders accountable.

Your faux "sympathy" would look so much more convincing if you could wipe that gloating, ghoulish grin off of your face, you perverted, deranged fuck.

It didn't take long for me to realize the futility of my hopes.

Why, pray tell? Because we didn't just take it up the ass, as you used to do to cover your tuition while you were studying Poli-Sci way back when? Because we DARED defend ourselves, because we DARED strike the goatfucking piglets, right where it hurt?

---------------

Quite a bit more where this came from. I'm not usually one for brutal fiskings, but this guy was asking for it.

And boy, does he ever get it.

Mheh.

EARLY MEMORIAL

September 11 will soon be upon us, and there will be some heavy emotional burdens to be re-lived, spread over the blogsphere and every other media. Good, bad, or indifferent, it'll be everywhere.

Me, I'm a future-oriented, optimistic kind of guy. I don't like moping about the past. I want to learn my lesson, make adjustments, and move forward.

But there's one particular aspect of 9/11 that brings it all back like an iron fist in the gut & makes me burn with killing rage all over again:

The jumpers.

The people who went to work at their boring jobs, looking forward to 5:00, a little TV, kiss the wife & go to bed, just like always. But on that day, they were forced to choose death by flames or death by fall. A choice I can't bring myself to contemplate for more than a few seconds at a time.

David, over at Sketches of Strain, feels the same way, except he says it a lot better than I can.

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When I cast my mind back to the things I remember from 9/11, the absolute worst thing I see are the bodies falling from the World Trade Center. The people who jumped and the people who fell. It makes my heart ache to wonder how that must have felt for those people. Not the falling. Not the impact. The decision to jump. At what point to you give up on trying to escape and decide that it will be best to leap to your death rather than suffocate or be burned alive in your office?

I think about the man and woman who held hands and leapt together, and then were separated in mid air. Innocent people who just went to work on that day like any other day.

----------------

He goes on to note a planned celebration by Islamic bastards who refer to the hijackers as the "magnificent 19". No, really, celebration. Take a look.

All I can say is inoculate, isolate, eliminate.

UPDATE 9-1-03: David has another post on the whole jumping concept. It's even stronger than the one I cited above.

RUSSIAN HUMOR FOR THE MARRIED GUY

My marriage is way too happy for me to get this joke, but I'm thinking some of you professional squabblers might enjoy this little tidbit posted up at Boots & Sabers.

73 IF YOU COUNT THE TERRORIST

Islamic nutjobs want to become martyrs so they can go to heaven & find women who don't mind how bad they smell. American soldiers, being steeped in the fine American tradition of helping the less fortunate, are happy to send them on their way.

Now, via American Digest, you can show your support for this generous exercise in philanthropy. Get your 72 Virgins Dating Service T-shirt now.

DILBERTASTIC

Scott Adams, who does the Dilbert comic strip also publishes a quarterly newsletter whenever he gets around to it. His latest one has some quotes I just have to share:

-------------------

Quotes that sound painful:

"Can I pick your ear?"
"I've got an ace up my hole."
"It leaves a real bad note in your mouth."
"I don't want to shoot myself in the hip."
"We have to make this deadline. Otherwise, we eat it in the shorts."


Critter-related quotes:

"I've been running around like a chicken with my legs cut off!"
"The monkey is in their court."
"There's more than one way to screw a cat!"
"That really grinds my goat."

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You can subscribe by going here. Or just read the old newsletters to see if you like it.

Ace up my hole. Heh.

INOCULATING FOR TERRORISTS

I love intelligent observations, and probably the hardest one to make is an extended metaphor, because the comparison often breaks down if you try to make too many points of comparison.

But Quibbles & Bits has one of the best extended metaphors I've ever read, in which he compares terrorists to organic viruses, and shows that the process for handling them is the same: inoculation, isolation, and elimination. Here's a taste:

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Inoculation begins at the source of the disease. Some inoculation is occurring today as we attempt to turn Iraq and Afghanistan into more open, free societies. Unlike the simple and effective shots that are given for polio, rubella, and small pox, inoculating entire nations against the Terrorist Vector is not an easy task. It takes more than a shot.

Inoculation takes an entire revision of a nation's character. Probably 80% of the work needed is done by the elimination of regimes that support the Terrorist Vector. The remaining work comes in establishing the institutions of a Democratic Republic and the Rule of Law. Establishment goes beyond creating the courts, legislatures, and parliaments.

Establishment means instilling respect for those institutions, to create an internal impetus in the people to rely upon those establishments for conflict resolution. We see this impetus in the US -- when we are wronged, most often our first response to an internal dispute is to sue, or press charges, or campaign for the cause as part of the political process. In spite of our gripes, we respect the institutions enough to go to them for conflict resolution. The nations going through rebuilding need to gain that respect for their new institutions, and that respect will come only with time, our support, and strong evidence of consistency in the face of the Law -- no arbitrary punishments, no overturned elections, no responses outside the defined boundaries. The IRA, Timothy McVeigh, et al., had no respect for the institutions of democracy, and took to killing to achieve their ends.

----------------

All that and cigar reviews, too. Someone's gettin' blogrolled. Now go read the rest.

PING TRIAL: RUN 2

Susie informs me (via e-mail) that pinging is actually hard work. Thanks, Radio!

Let's try again.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

NEW ZOO

Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":

---------------

#3 You've been asked to design the zoological park of the future. How will you design this park to be radically different from the zoos of today? Be specific.

---------------

The purpose of a zoo is to preserve rare and endangered species so that current and future generations can encounter fascinating and unusual creatures.

I'm optimistic for a bright future filled with liberty and capitalism, so I expect the following few creatures will be rare and zoo-worthy in 50 years:

Ted Kennedy: Fat, yet desiccated; surly, yet gin-blossomed; the last of the hard-core tax & spend Democrats - now sans teeth and power - spends his days pacing, drinking and mumbling "Mary Jo and I were just friends..."

The Last Hippy: Sporting the tell-tale graying ponytail from his balding head, this unkempt freak whiles away the hours smoking pot, listening to Floyd, and flinging '68 Chicago reminiscences like so much monkey-poo. Remember to stand upwind at this exhibit.

The head of Fidel Castro: Still recognizable by its bushy beard & eyebrows, "old busy-whiskers" does nothing but rot and stink now, his severed head perched merrily on a stick. Don't forget to spit as you pass. Fun for the whole family!

Finally, empty cages memorialize the following extinctions: Green Peace, Earth First!, Communist Party USA, France, and cockroaches.

Brought to you by DDT - as versatile as it is effective!

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

Bah! You kids today have it so easy, with your spam-pryamids and your state lotteries. Hmph! Back when I was a kid, we had to make up our own ineffectual money-for-nothing schemes, and by golly, we liked it that way!

PINGING THE PINGER

Radio is great blogging software for two kinds of people: those who live, breathe, and eat html and have been blogging for years, and those who are just starting out, want something more reliable than Blogger, and don't care what their site looks like or can do.

Then there's fools like me. I want to tweak and adjust and my site conform to my vision of a worthy blog, with convenient features and useful options.

I'm screwed.

It's taken me about 8 hours over 6 weeks just to figure out how to change my old permalink symbol (#) to the word "permalink".

Let's just say Radio isn't newbie-friendly, and it's got a learning curve that makes Dolly Parton look like Renee Zellweger.

Ok, I'm done being bitter. Now it's time to find out if the trackback feature (another hour of digging & poking to find this) works. I will now attempt to ping the Alliance pinger. I really hope this works.

I wonder if I can ping myself?

LEFTIES ALMOST RIGHT

A while back, I pointed out that Right Wing News had posted a list of great figures in American history, as selected by a group of right-wing bloggers. Now he's gone and asked some lefty bloggers to list their picks. The results were nowhere near as bad as I would've expected. Bill Clinton was nowhere to be seen, and the only really offensive choices are Eugene V. Debs and Cesar Chavez.

And they even managed to put Thomas Jefferson all the way up at #4. Go take a peek at the rest.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

 

Hannibal Lecter starts his face collection.

SIZZLIN' SUCCOTASH

I'm a little late with this, but Wizbang has the Bonfire of the Vanities #8 up with a spiffy "pimps & ho's" theme. He's got the soul-crushing disparaging commentary, and the entrants have...

Well, they have it coming to them.

Except for this twerp, who went and entered something FUNNY in what's supposed to be a collection of horrid, train-wreck revulsion.

Anyway, if you're not familiar with the hampster dance, click on the "this site" link. If you are, (or if you just learned) click on the "this one" link. I enjoyed it, but then again, I used to play Doom in multi-hour marathon sessions, so there might be a connection.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Ok, fine. So he was the ONLY customer...

HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE HOAGIE?

Via HQ, I've finally found out what Evil Glenn is washing down when he drinks those puppy shakes (8-26-03 "Blog War News" if permalink is Blogspotted).

Disturbing but informative. Thanks, Patriette!

BEST. FILTHY. LIE. EVER.

Via Technorati, I found that Don, over at Anger Management has a future history of the BlogWar at his site (8-27-03 "The Origins of War" if permalinks are Blogspotted). It's a Super-Atomic Drink Alert, and I enjoyed it so much that I've blogrolled him after just reading this one post.

Great job, Don!

200 WORDS OR LESS:

HAUNTED HOUSE (A FILTHY LIE)

Actually, I did it for a dollar just last week. As I lay awake in the terrifying shadows...

Harv: This ain't so bad. Easiest buck I ever made.

Spectre: WHOOOoooOOO! WHOOOoooOOO! [*trip* CRASH!] OW! Stupid darkness!

Harv: Who's there?

Spectre: 'Tis I, Bob Marley. You will be visited by three ghosts tonight….

Harv: That was Jacob Marley, asshat, and... are you drinking a puppy shake?

Spectre: ...Crap. Ok, I'm the spirit of Evil Glenn.

Harv: You're... you're DEAD?

Spectre: What a bigoted thing to say! Just because I'm incorporeal, you automatically assume I'm dead. Animist!

Harv: Right. Sorry. So, what's your gig?

Spectre: I'm in league with Satan. In exchange for my already black and rotted soul, he gave me ultimate power over the blogosphere.

Harv: Old news, freakshow. Gimme something I can take to HQ.

Spectre: Isn't it obvious? I violate the sanctity of your home at an ungodly hour and I'm as annoying as a Frenchman at a UN Security Council meeting. Figure it out.

Harv: You're a TELEMARKETER?

Spectre: Reviewed your insurance needs, lately?

Harv: NOOOOOOOOO! No dollar is worth this! [flees in terror]

Evil Glenn is an insurance telemarketer. Spread the word.

Instapundo Delenda Est!

 200 WORDS OR LESS:

THE YACHT

Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":

---------------

#229: If you owned a yacht, what would you name it?

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As the mighty Death By Capitalism churns the used-condom-befouled waters off the coast of France, a tiny, pathetic, rusty, feeble, listing aircraft carrier is sighted off the port bow. Carnivore Bill, the able-bodied first mate, sounds the alarm to the fearless Cap’n Harv:

Bill: Cap’n! It’s the Cowardly Frog!

Harv: YARRR! The pride of the French fleet! We must sink it or die trying. The world depends on us! Warm up the Metal Storm and frag ‘em with Freedom Fries.

Bill: Aye, Cap’n! Eat potato, ya surly surrender monkeys!

Millions of scorching-hot, tender, tasty tater-spikes, forged in purest animal lard, rain death upon the smelly but hapless French crew.

Bill: [peeping through telescope] The survivors are surrendering, Cap’n!

Harv: That’s nice, but I ain’t done kill’n yet. Time to send those scurvy cheese-chompers to Davy Jones. Blast ‘em with an American Culture Bomb!

Bill: Aye, Cap’n. Cruel, but effective.

A hideous explosion is followed by the deafening compressed sounds of informercials, telemarketers, Jerry Springer re-runs, and suburban white rappers. An unstoppable shockwave reduces the Cowardly Frog to a fine mist of blood spray and powdered rust.

Harv: Well done, lads! Now on to Olongapo for drinks and wenches!

Crew: YARRR!

WHY JOIN THE ALLIANCE?

Simple, really. It's all about quality of life.

In the Alliance, we're all about joy, and laughter, and a happy world filled with sexy Fox News reporterettes.

Evil Glenn is all about hobo-murder, Satan-worshiping, puppy blending, and penguin porn.

Let me put it this way:

This is your blog in the Alliance:

This is your blog in Instahell:

Any questions?

ALLIANCE STILL ACCEPTING CHARTER MEMBERS

Uncle Frank wants YOU! Come, join the Alliance, help defeat Evil White Glenn, and be assured of millions of readers and/or bags of money! Charter memberships still available until this Saturday. See Alliance HQ for details.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

A NEW FAD

I tried starting a fad a while back, but during the preliminary focus group meeting…

Harv: Thanks for coming, kids. Now, you remember how much fun pet rocks were, right?

MacKenzie: What's a pet rock?

Harv: Never mind. Anyway, here’s my new creation: Shooty, the Pet Glock.

Maekenzee: My mommy says guns are evil.

Harv: Your mommy is a lying hag of a hippy. Now, this...

Makenzie: Is that the kill'n end?

Harv: No, you little hydrocephaloid, that's the beat'n end. Read the freakin' manual. Anyway, it's like a Tamagotchi. You just keep it fed with happy yum-yum bullets and...

Makynzi: But what does it do?

Harv: Most of the time it just sits & looks pretty, but it comes in handy for pest control. See that cockroach over there?

Shooty: Blam!

Cockroach: Splatter!

Harv: Works great on hippies, too.

Chorus: Waaaaahh! All our mommies are hippies!

Harv: Then die, you evil hellspawn! Here's a little chlorine for the gene pool!

Shooty: Blam! Blam! Blam!

Harv: Damn, they all got away. Well, Mrs. Brady, that's why you need more than 10 rounds in your magazine. Stress can really frink up your aim. *SIGH*...  Back to the drawing board.

MMM... LEMONS

I keep forgetting to add this to my blogroll, and I keep being reminded at other sites that I need to get it done. So I FINALLY have a permalink to The Lemon on my blogroll now, and I feel better.

The latest issue has an explanation of the California recall election situation. Drink Alert in effect.

POP QUIZ

I've read the Constitution. I also studied it during my brief, painful tour in law school. But I was still surprised by the answers on this short quiz regarding what the Constitution does and doesn't guarantee. Sharp Knife really puts the Patriot Act into perspective.

Quit laughing. Let's see how you do.

[hat tip to the Emperor for pointing this one out]

GOOD DESIGN

I really look forward to my trips to Reflections in d minor. Lynn is to aesthetics as Stephen Den Beste is to engineering: rational, intelligent, and informative. You come away smarter for having visited.

Fortunately, she's also stronger in the brevity department ;-)

Today, thanks to her post describing Mandarin Design's delightful web site, which is chock full of hints & tips on web design, I've seen something I NEVER would have believed actually existed: a non-annoying use of the color yellow on a web page

Incredible.

SWEET NOTHINGS

Boots and Sabers whispers those 3 little words that every man longs to hear:

Full Auto Glock.

Go and catch the link to the 1.1 meg avi file.

Suh-wheet.

WELL, AT LEAST THEY'RE FAIR AND BALANCED

The only difference between UC Berkeley and UW Madison is a few degrees of lattitude & longitude. On any given day, it's a toss up as to which one is leaning farther left. Sure, Berkeley has the Bay Area screwball esthetic, but Madison has a state capital building 6 blocks away, which makes it a political freak-magnet.

Following the lead of the despicable Governor Doyle, whose "not taking sides" in the Tyson Foods strike I mentioned earlier, it seems that the UW has now gotten into the act. Boots & Sabers has the whole story, but here's the point:

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Responding to student requests, University of Wisconsin-Madison administrators announced Friday that Tyson Foods products will not be served on campus until the six-month-long strike at the company's Jefferson plant is resolved.

Casey Nagy, executive assistant to the UW-Madison chancellor, said the ban will include food served at the campus unions, residence halls and UW-Extension facilities.

------------

Fine. UW is a bunch of nattering, pro-union, commie freaks. Whatever. I don't care. THIS is what pisses me off:

-----------

Nagy added that the ban does not mean the university is taking a position on the strike, but is instead a nod toward meeting consumer preferences.

-----------

I can't properly convey my reaction without resorting to the polite and courteous use of the English language, so just head on over to Boots & Sabers, 'cuz Owen restricts himself to a mere 4 excremental euphemisms.

How? I have no idea.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

 

From page 26 of "Muppet Rage: Bert's Dark Journey":

"But what could make such a quiet, well-beloved, pigeon-fancier become the apotheosis of evil? No one knows for sure, but one theory, based on this bill found next to Ernie's mutilated corpse, suggests that Bert's long-time roommate may have triggered the rampage by one too many episodes of pigeon-bashing."

DISCO - SUCKING HARD SINCE 1974

I grew up with disco, and I thought it was an abomination.

I'm guessing that David, over at Sketches of Strain, didn't have to endure the misery the first time around, but he's been splattered by the 70's Revival blowback. He expresses his disapproval, in part, thusly:

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Why anyone would want to prolong that kind of agony is beyond me. Bell bottom pants still look stupid on everyone, no matter how many different ways clothiers try to sell them. I even avoid boot cut jeans because in some light, under certain conditions, they might look like flares. Eugh. If I had a personal tailor, I would get the cuffs of my pants all sewn down to a mean, mod-ish 13 inches at each ankle.

Oh, seventies, you sicken me, with your hedonism, your excessive uglification of everything from orange and brown wall-paper to El Dorados to symphonic strings in Donna Summer songs. Please, please, die. DIE, already!!

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That's just the warm-up. Go read what happens when he really starts cookin'...

FRENCH-MAN VS. AQUAMAN

Everyone knows that Aquaman is the world’s wussiest superhero. But how would he stack up against the world’s most cowardly and annoying superhero? Our story begins in the Oval Office…

President: Aquaman, all the non-wussy superheroes are out actually fighting crime, so if you could set down that Playstation controller, I have a job for you.

Aquaman: A job? You mean I actually get to fight crime? OH-BOY-OH-BOY-OH-BOY!

President: You must stop French-Man. The cowardly little bastard has been annoying the hell out of people all across the country. And the smell… Geez! He reeks like a dead fish, and… uh… no offense…

Aquaman: Don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, chief. I’m off!

[Later, at the Podunk County Fair, Aquaman discovers French-Man getting rooked by a carny at the milk-bottle game.]

French-Man: Perhaps if I appeased you with another dollar, you might let me win?

Carny: Get outta here, chump, ya bother me. Hey, did that fishy smell just get worse?

Aquaman: Based on your ability to annoy people with a single sentence, I’m guessing you’re French-Man. I will now defeat you with my superpowers.

French-Man: Uh.... yeah. And just how do you plan to defeat me by talking to fish?

Aquaman: Um... I’ll have a giant squid attack you.

French-Man: I’ll make calamari out of him, since I cook annoyingly well.

Aquaman: Giant sea snails?

French-Man: Escargot.

Aquaman: An army of crabs?

French-Man: Saute, flambé, out of my way!

Aquaman: This crimefighting stuff is harder than I thought. I give up. Back to Tomb Raider 3.

French-Man: Wait! I haven’t surrendered to you yet! I didn’t mean to actually put up a fight!… Nuts! He’s gone. Oh well, back to the game. Um, I don’t have actually have a dollar. Would you accept some weapons-grade uranium? It comes with instant super-power status…

Carny: Greenbacks or get lost, Froggy.

French-Man: Merde.

AIRBRUSHING: BEFORE & AFTER

Owen, of Boots & Sabers, once noted to me in an e-mail that, as a blogger, it's a little disappointing that you can work on a well-thought-out post for hours, and the post that everyone links to & comments on is the little piece of trivia that you just tossed up.

So, to prove him right, I'm linking to his post about a site that has before & after pictures of just how much difference airbrushing makes in a cover model's appearance. I guarantee you will be left gaping.

I'm not providing direct links to the airbrush site, because Owen's post is VERY short, and I really liked his parting shot & wouldn't want you to miss it.

By the way, if you live in Wisconsin and care about state politics, you should really bookmark Boots & Sabers, because Owen does a fantastic job of putting up informative posts on the antics of Gov. Doyle and the state legislature. Very in-depth & insightful.

FISKING, SPOCK STYLE

I'm not always a big fan of fiskings, as they tend to degenerate into random ad hominem attacks fairly quickly, and, lacking an overall coherant theme, frequently seem confused and disjointed.

But, over at Lex Libertas, Owen (not to be confused with the Owen of Boots & Sabers) does more of a dissection than a fisking. He takes the arguments from the "let's have the UN take charge of Iraq" crowd, and, using the mortar & pestle of ruthless, unforgiving logic, grinds their stupidity into a fine and harmless powder.

It's a precise and beautiful process to behold. Enjoy.

WINNING IS A HABIT

In sports, as in war there, are winners & losers, and when it's all said and done, pathetic excuses like "I tried" don't count.What I really like about both sports coaches and military men is that there is a hard-core dedication to dealing with reality that's becoming all too scarce in other venues.

John over at Right Wing News has a list of his favorite coach quotes. No equivocations here.

I find them to be a pleasant reminder that, even though life can be tough, I can be tougher if I make the choice to be.

Go read it & then go out there & get 'em!

BIO OF THE EVIL ONE

Newmanisms is a new-ish blog, but he's already stepped boldly into the Blogwar fray with an inventive biography of Evil Glenn (permalinks are Blogspotted, so look for Friday, August 22, "Of Monkeys and Men"). I believe this young man has comedic spark, and I expect good things from him in the future. My favorite part requires a bit of set up. Evil Glenn used to be an evil female monkey named Helga who plotted world conquest. Seeking supernatural assistance, she conjured a vile demon: Hillary Clinton:

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"You are brave little monkey girl to awake such an omnipotent, evil, and not mention appalingly ugly, creature from a sleep that has lasted since the dawn of time. Have you no idea what wicked evil you have brough forth onto your trivial planet!?"

Helga responded by throwing her poo at Hillary.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I'm suppose to be the only one that peddles shit around here!!!

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Heh. Good one. And there's more. Take a look.

HOW NOT TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF

Dana over at Note-It Posts ruminated a while back on how going out of your way to help other people is not always as rewarding as the world's altruists would have you believe, and wonders what to do about it. If you have any advice you should stop by & leave a comment.

Her dilemma got me thinking tangentially of an excellent book I once read (now, sadly, out of print and very hard to come by), called "The Art of Manipulation." The book is more preventative than prescriptive, but there was one particular observation by the author which I've taken to heart and used over the years with good results.

On the topic of making loans to friends, he noted that such a loan causes a feeling of resentment on the part of the borrower. Every time you meet the borrower afterwards, the unpaid loan, even if not spoken of, causes an uncomfortable, dangling-loose-end feeling, which can only be relived by either 1) repaying the loan or 2) not being your friend anymore. Both avenues annul the feeling of obligation equally, and even people you like and trust will sometimes surprise you by opting for number 2.

His proposed solution: ask for collateral before making the loan. Doing that secures the loan by an object instead of merely fragile goodwill. In the past, I have accepted things like cassette tapes, walkmans, a post-dated check, and even a driver's license. These loans were nearly always paid back.

In the one case where I didn't receive my tape back, I kept the tape I was holding for collateral, which I actually liked better than the one I lost.

It also works for favors. For example, "will you help me move next weekend?" can be countered effectively with something like, "sure, if you help me paint my living room tomorrow afternoon."

Turning a loan situation into a barter situation avoids the one-sided pressure build-up, prevents resentment, and keeps friendships intact. I strongly recommend it.

Don't be concerned that such a technique might seem crass or insensitive in the abstract. I've discovered that if a person really needs that $20, "just until payday", he'll be perfectly happy to accede to your request for a little something up front. Either that, or he'll bug someone else who'll do the job cheaper.

In either case, the beggar stays off your "owes me" list. And that's a good thing.

ROTTEN LITTLE KIDS

I'm not a parent, so stories about kids give me a skull-cracking case of the I'm-boreds.

Unless the story is told with great skill, in which case I must be reading Snooze Button Dreams' entry into the New Blog Showcase, "Kids trade bad habits like Pokemon cards". In this rare exception to the above rule, I found myself thoroughly enjoying Snooze's description of kids conspiring to exchange their evil ways. A sample:

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B: I was over with Bear's Other Friend yesterday and I got BREAKING EXPENSIVE STUFF. I only had to give him SNEEZING ON DADDY'S PLATE. You got anything that good?

BF: Almost. Last week Bear's Friend's Sister was playing on the floor and then just SPEWED WITH NO WARNING AT ALL. It was awesome. She traded me for TAKING OFF PULLUPS AND PEEING IN THE BED.

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Pretty good stuff & more where that came from. Go read the whole thing.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



May I recommend Death By Bulunga?

FILTHY LIES 

Frank says we need more lies about Evil Glenn.

I can't help much there. I'm too honest.

However, when I was talking with Evil Glenn the other day, I did discover something quite shocking. We were discussing some of our favorite retired comic strip writers...

Harv: Yeah, I miss Gary Larson, too. And I always really liked Bloom County. Some people said it was just a Doonesbury wanna-be, but I thought  it was quite innovative.

Evil Glenn: I agree. I really liked Opus. I love penguins. In fact, I even have a small, penguin-related business on the side. Let me show you something on my computer.

Harv: Penguinperv.com?

Evil Glenn: One of my favorite web-cam sites.

Harv: Does that book say "Instapundit" on the cover?

Evil Glenn: Yup.

Harv: Why does that penguin have an odd little smile on his face?

Evil Glenn: Obviously he REALLY enjoys what he's looking at. And I guarantee you he's not reading it for the articles.

Harv: You published a book of penguin porn?

Evil Glenn: Yup. Nothing more erotic than a penguin. The stark black-and-white contrast, the beak, those tiny feathers... indeed.

Harv: You sick, vile, sub-human pervert!

Evil Glenn: Geez, Harv, relax. Puppy smoothie?

Harv: Get away from me!

Evil Glenn: Say... has anyone ever told you that you look like a hobo? [reaching slowly for whacking hammer]

Harv: AAAAAAHH! [flees in terror]

So the truth is out. Evil Glenn publishes penguin porn on the side. Just one more reason...

Instapundo Delenda Est!

[hat tip to Intergalactic Capitalist for the pic]

UPDATE (8/27/03): Over at Alliance HQ, I provide further evidence of Evil Glenn's penguin porn production.

SALVO #2

Via Alliance HQ, I've discovered that Blackfive, having handily defeated French-Man, has gone on to fire another blast at Evil White Glenn.

Heh. Love the look on that puppy's face.

Be sure to look at the other pictures, too.

SPRAYING THE MONITOR - AGAIN

Frank has a new In My World episode up. The Rumsfeld Strangler vs. Cyber-Lenin. Super Atomic Drink Alert in effect. Anything you attempt to ingest while reading this will be spewed forth with extreme prejudice. You have been warned.

Now pack up the consumables and go forth.

A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE MARRIED GUYS

Via the Carnival of the Vanities #48 (which has more good stuff in it than I have time to blog about, you should really go poke around if you haven't already), Dustbury has some amusing and insightful, if somewhat cynical, observations on the institution of marriage. Be sure to check the comments for the "husband shopping center" joke. Damned funny, that one.

THE MARRIAGE PROTECTION AMENDMENT

I enjoy marriage. I respect religion. I admire the Constitution. But I think mixing those three together to "protect the institution of marriage" as has been proposed is a bad idea. I'll leave the "why" for another time.

Anyway, if you are going to give those 3 a mix, you might as well go all out, thus leading to the (intentionally) amusing example which Public Nuisance offers. Here's part one (of four) of his proposed amendment:

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1 Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women.¹ Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives.²

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And it's all jake with the Old Testament ;-)

Go read the rest. It's short & sweet.

MS WORD: DELETED MIGHT NOT BE

I use MS Word a lot. Mostly because I have the pocket version on my PDA (where I write a lot of stuff on my lunch hour), and it transfers nicely to my desktop for publication. But I never use it for composing documents intended to be sent as e-mail attachments.

In case you do, there's something you should know about Word. There's a quirk that could allow "deleted content" in your document to be recovered by the recipient. Cold Fury's got the details.

BLACKFIVE VS. FRENCH-MAN

Blackfive is the Blogging Alliance Pathfinder, and has already launched a devastating opening salvo against the Axis of Naughty. But can he stand up to the world’s most cowardly and annoying superhero?

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Blackfive: There! I’ve accessed Evil Glenn’s server. Now to shut it down so that the Alliance can win this war…

French-Man: Hello, American cowboy. What are you doing?

Blackfive: GAAAAH! Don’t sneak up on me like that! [sniff, sniff] Phew! Talk about silent but deadly… Anyway, I’m about to defeat the Puppy Blender.

French-Man: NO! I have a UN resolution calling for you to immediately stop this unilateral action!

Blackfive: UNILATERAL? You [near-infinite string of monitor-melting expletives deleted in accordance with the Communications Decency Act] frog! I’ve got half the blogosphere on my side!

French-Man: Nope. Still unilateral. “Uni,” meaning “one”. “Lateral,” meaning “without France.”

Blackfive: You [crude remarks implying simultaneous bestiality, homosexuality, and incest]! Go [very uncomfortable, if not physically impossible, act]!

French-Man: You’ve offended my delicate sensibilities.

Blackfive: Not as much as you offended my olfactories, you feeble, fetid [amazing combination of obscenities, the likes of which are known only to a select few military elites]!

French-Man: You are monumentally rude! Have you ever considered a job as a waiter in Paris?

Blackfive: The only thing I’m considering right now separating your intestines from your cringing yellow belly with my 7” Ka-Bar D2.

French-Man: Uh,… look at the time! I have to go sell military secrets to a badly-moustached dictator. Excuse me as I rapidly depart in a reeking cloud of filth and fumes… [FWING!]…  MOMMY!

Blackfive: Stupid surrender monkey. Now… where was I? Ah, yes. One click and victory is ours.  Say good-bye, you Satan-worshipping hobo-murderer. Instapundo Delenda… WHAT? My dial-up connection timed out? NO! All that work… RUINED!

Golly-gee-gosh-diddly-darn-dang-it-all!

Aw poop.

THE BLOGWAR FOR NON-BLOGGERS

Let me explain... no, there is too much. Let me sum up.

Blogging is a hobby of pure ego, whose purpose is to 1) see your words in print, and 2) have other people read them. Currently, one blogger, Glenn Reynolds (Instapundit) gets far more page views and links than any other, and deservedly so. Glen updates MANY times per day, and his links are usually well worth clicking. However, he normally offers very little of his own commentary. Sometimes just a cursory "indeed" or "hmmm".

Because he has so many readers, if he links to your site you get a LOT of hits, which is very gratifying. His links are highly prized by bloggers.

Frank J., of IMAO, is an up-and-coming blogger who occasionally mocks Glenn as a way to gain attention. His first method was making up outrageous lies: Glenn puts puppies in blenders and drinks them; Glenn murders hobos for fun; Glenn worships Satan; Glenn is a communist spy who does the robot dance; Glenn punched Frank J.

Later Frank attempted to get Google to bring up Glenn's site if the terms "liberal assclown" were entered. Results were mixed.

His latest attempt was to "declare war" on Glenn and asking bloggers to choose sides. Frank's side is the Blogging Alliance, Glenn's side is the Axis of Naughty. It's all in good fun, and much entertaining mockery will ensue as a result.

Personally, I've sided with Frank because I think he's wildly funny, but many excellent bloggers have gone with the Axis. Regardless of alignment, I expect that a good time will be had by all.

Enjoy the spectacle.

UPDATE: Susie explains in the comments that, technically, the Axis is "against Frank", and not "for Glenn", so a blogger could belong to both the Axis and the Alliance simultaneously. She discusses other odd permutations of allegiance as well.

UPDATE: A new outrageous lie about Glenn: he is a white-supremacist who won't link to black bloggers.

UPDATE: Susie directed me to a post that attempted to explain the whole blogwar situation. It does a fair job, but it's loaded with inside jokes, which I wanted to avoid in this explanation. However, there is a good description on the origin of the Axis [edited for clarity]:

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Frank was hosting a Super Happy Fun Lucky Permalink Contest ... Everyone lost but one (since there was only one permalink spot up for grabs) but all the other contestants got permalinked anyway under a 'Losers' heading. Understandably, some got upset and one ... declared war on Frank. Others quickly piled on ... [and the] new army was named the Axis of Evil Naughty

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UPDATE (8/27/03): Jen (leader of the Axis) has agreed to allow the pro-Glenn forces to use the name Axis of Naughty.

BANKROLLING THE BLOGWAR 

Since I've volunteered to be the Blogging Alliance's Secretary of the Treasury during the ongoing bloody conflict with the Axis of Naughty, I'm offering the following as the official worthless, inflationary, fiat currency. I kind of like the US design, so I'll stick with that for the basics. The fact that I'm too lazy (and lack the software) to Photoshop something better has nothing to do with it.

 The front design has the small addition of a bone, to commemorate the millions of innocent puppies blended by the Nameless Evil Dark Lord of the Blogosphere. The purple symbolizes the, uh... um... color of new-born puppy blood… or something.

The back carries the new motto of "Question Authority". Yes, I know this was originally some filthy hippy saying, but if formerly pleasantly connoted words like "gay" and "bright" can be co-opted by groups with an agenda, who am I to buck a trend?

The motto serves as a reminder that authority must be earned my merit and hard work, not through the mere luck of having the most linked-to blog in the universe. Also, an authority that can't handle a few questions deserves no respect.

Ask the Nameless One a question, and what do you get? "Indeed", or "hmm".

Hell, those are the same meaningless noises I make when I pretend to be listening to my wife.

Ask Frank J a question, and you get... well, filthy lies

But they're DAMNED FUNNY filthy lies.

Coinage will consist solely of the following:

 To insure stability, all Blogging Alliance currency will be pegged to the Somalian Shilling:

 at an exchange rate of Avogadro's number to 1.

Instapundo Delenda Est

RETHINKING COLUMBINE

There's no defending the actions of the Columbine shooters. But over at Right Wing News, John has a clip of an instant message discussion where someone gives it a try.

Or so he says. Actually it comes off as more of a "who's on first" conversation (sans comedic intent) with each speaker on a different topic. John condemns the shooters, and X discusses when and if a weaker victim is justified in using violent force in defending himslf against a physically stronger bully. Someone in the comments figures it out.

EXPLOSIONS = FUN

Rocket Jones has a wonderful "gotta be a guy to really enjoy this one" story about a man, his son, and playing with fireworks. The story comes complete with unintended consequenses that put a big ol' grin on my face.

I'm dedicating this one to my nephew Mike, with whom I once spent a delightful afternoon dissecting M-100's.

Oh, and if the permalink is blogspotted, hit CTRL-F and search for "Bonding with the Boys".

SPINNY FEET

Via Boots and Sabers, I'm told that:

While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.

While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

I tried it, and it's true. Freaked me out pretty good, that one did.

DOWN IS MUCH EASIER

I love M. C. Escher's drawings. I have them on coffee cups, posters, mouse pads, and several T-shirts. If I were the tattooing type, I'd probably get Waterfall on my back. They are simultaneously realistic and impossible. They tickle my intellect.

Via American Digest, I've discovered that someone actually built a model of Escher's Ascending and Descending out of Legos. Seeing it boggles my mind even more than looking at the poster. Try it yourself. And don't forget their model of Belvedere.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



HELPFUL HINT: For best results when asking an omnipotent supreme deity for a favor, try omitting the sneer quotes around his name.

BLATHERING COMBUSTABLES

Dear sweet merciful God! Won't the horror ever stop?

Kevin over at Wizbang ignites Bonfire of the Vanities pyre #7. The links are broken, the content is pathetic. I don't even have the will left to hit the start button on my suicide machine.

On the bright side, Kevin's got intro blurbs so snarky they make Don Rickles look like Mr. Rogers.

On the dark side, do NOT read the monkey post. You really don't want to know this information. You've been warned.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

IN FIVE YEARS

Today’s question comes from the Eretz Ha’Chaim Center for Torah Learning, Living, and Farming Application questionnaire:

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How do you envision your spiritual and material growth in the next 5 years? 

--------------- 

Financially, everyone knows that your future is far too important to leave to chance. It requires intensive study and knowledgeable planning.

But I'm different. Ever since that leprechaun episode, I've been a pretty lucky guy.

So, I figure tomorrow, I'll find a quarter on the sidewalk somewhere. Then I'm gonna go be-boppin' & skattin' into my local Injun Casino and pop that baby into the first slot machine I see, and I'll be like, "Yeah! Score!" for like a thousand bucks.

I'll take that and maybe get some stocks like that rich-ass Buffy Warren guy. I'm not sure which ones to get, but I read once that a lot of people made money from Enron. It's probably still a good deal. Figure I should have like a million bucks from that in about 5 years.

After that, it's just high times, hookers, and a solid gold Lexus. YEAH BABY!

For spirituality, well, I want to be sure to pick the right religion. So I'll just write 'em all down on a piece of paper & do a cow-chip-bingo thing with a hamster. Maybe make it best of three, just to be sure.

Anyway, I'll let you know what happens.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Maybe you'd have better luck praying to Saint Stop-drinking-and-start-working?

HOW TO DESCRIBE A 60-WATTER

Interesting how IQ and light-bulb wattage run in about the same range. When I refer to someone as "dim", I'll occasionally tack on a reference to "being safe to put in a socket that's covered by a glass dome".

Now, via Susie, I find this list of euphemisms for stupid people at Silver Blue. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I haven't heard them all before. My favorite:

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4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

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19 others. Go take a look. Drink Alert in effect.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



The web site for singles who know they're just going to wind up in another abusive relationship anyway.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

Today’s question is from the “Coming Soon” section of the “Topics” page of the Good News About God site.

----------- 

Ruby Ridge and Randy Weaver: When Will They Come For You?

-----------

That’s just paranoid fantasy. Honest citizens have nothing to fear from their government. I have lots of guns, and I’ve never…

[ding dong]

‘Scuse me. Doorbell.

Harv: Yes?

They: We are They. We have come for you.

Harv: Right. [patronizing eye-roll] Could you be a little more vague?

They: BATF

Harv: Bureaucratic Assholes Taking Firearms?

They: Close enough.

Harv: So… what can I do for you?

They: We are here to seize your guns and throw you in a tiny steel cage for the rest of your natural life.

Harv: No thanks. Claustrophobic.

They: Wow! Look at the size of that gun!

Harv: Uh, that’s my dog, Jake.

They: That’s a gun! I see a trigger!

Harv: Male dog, Jake.

They: We will seize him!

Harv: Go ahead, but jack-booted government thugs make him angry…

They: Come with us, evil, furry weapon!

Harv: I can’t watch.

[blur of blood, boots, and badges]

Harv: Heh, tastes like chicken, don’t it, boy?

Jake: WOOF! [wag! wag! wag!]

Anyway, like I was saying, honest citizens need never fear…

Jake: WOOF!

Harv: Still hungry, Jake? Well, ok… um… so the best way to overthrow the government…

[ding dong]

Harv: Eh. It’s cheaper than Iams.

HITTING PAUSE

My beloved wife and I are off to visit my nephew (yes, he of Mountain Dew fame) for an extended weekend. I should have something up in time for Tuesday's workday-blogsurfing-rush, depending on how late we get back on Monday.

As a consolation prize, I'll leave you with 3 links from the "vault of nifty" that is my favorites folder, one for each day I'm gone:

Saturday - Stick Figure Kung - Fu: this sounds like it would be lame, but it's actually a brilliantly rendered bit of animation which is as well-choreographed as any Jackie Chan final-fight-sequence. Requires Flash, and may contain a banner ad that is not safe for work.

Sunday - Being An Evil Overlord: In every fantasy or sci-fi movie, the evil overlord makes stupid mistakes that allow the annoying good-guy hero to win... again. Here is a compendium of valuable lessons learned, so that your own foul reign of terror need never end. Safe for work.

Monday - Cloak & Dagger: A gentlemen who makes intriguing custom knives, daggers, swords, and chain mail, and has been doing so for nearly 20 years. Lists Tom Clancy, Larry Niven, and J. Michael Straczynski ("Babylon 5") among his many clients. A very few "chicks in chainmail" pix. Safe for work. And you gotta love that URL...

Hmmm... do I detect a theme here? The hitting, the conquering, the stabbing...

The sweet smell of war...

200 WORDS OR LESS:

MEANINGFUL ACTIVITY

Today's topic comes from the Yale undergraduate admission application:

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Describe an interest or activity that has been particularly meaningful to you.

--------

By day, I'm a mild-mannered bank teller. But when darkness falls, I transform into FRENCH-MAN! The world's most cowardly and annoying superhero. Why, just last night...

French-Man: Hark! I hear a mugging. This looks like a job for... FRENCH-MAN!

[arriving way outside the nick of time]

 French-Man: Hey there, evil criminal. What are you doing to that innocent victim?

Criminal: Beating the crap out of him with this tire iron so I can steal me some crack money. [WHACK!]

Victim: Ow! God! My skull!

French-Man: No need for violence. I'm sure there's a diplomatic...

[WHACK!]

Victim: Oof! My kidneys!

French-Man: Please, Innocent Victim, don't interrupt my beautiful voice. That's cowboyish and rude! Now, if we examine the root causes of this mugger's rage...

[WHACK!]

Victim: AAAAAAAH! My groin!

Criminal: I need money for crack NOW! CRAAAAAAACK!

French-Man: See? Now if you'll just appease him instead of persisting in your unilateral struggles...

Criminal: Can it, Froggy! He's dead and I've got the money... Saaaaaay... what's in YOUR wallet?

French-Man: Uh... I can see my work here is done. I have an important surrendering ceremony to attend across town... YIKES! MOMMY!...

Another day, another diplomatic victory, courtesy of... FRENCH-MAN!

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Coincidentally, 5-9-99 was also "Ladies Night" down at the Sugar Shack, where this bill ended up in Bang-Bang Bart's G-string.

NAZI FASHION: NOT HIP AND COOL

Apparently, some folks in Hong Kong have been marketing Nazi-themed clothing and fashion accessories.

This is bad. Possibly in several ways.

American Digest gets his Lileks on and does some crispy phrase-popping to describe what these ways might be:

------------

Yes, as long as they could garner sales and attention, nothing else really trumped their 'creative expression.' One would like to think that much of this sort of thing just "happens" due to various failures of this or that educational system, but the truth is darker. It happens because, for some reason, there is a set of human beings living on the planet with no affiliation to a nation, or a shared history, or any set of values one would recognize as 'decent.' They live in the ever-transmogrifying present -- a whirl of clubs and clothes and the latest infinitely small gadgets. They are the eternal children who see no difference in last year's 'Hello Kitty" backpack and this year's T-Shirt celebrating Hitler.

-------------

But he doesn't stop there, so treat yourself to the whole thing.

CALLING DR. FRINK

Ok, I'm a science geek. I love funky toys & gadgets.

American Digest gives links to "Popular Science's 2nd Annual Brilliant 10," where you can find out what the cutting-edge science crazies are up to.

Cool Factor = 11

MOVING ON WITHOUT LETTING GO

September 11th will soon be here, and there's a particular line of discussion that I find most irksome. It's that lament about how, right after the attack, we all pulled together into one harmonious family, but now we are once again sundered by our petty differences.

Usually when I read or hear this, I just roll my eyes, mumble "what a bunch of touchy-feely crap", and turn my attention elsewhere, never giving it much thought.

But at Reflections in d minor, I have discovered, yet again, Lynn's amazing talent for exploring the more subtle nuances of a complicated emotion. Heck, I didn't even know my derision was hiding a complicated emotion until I read her piece. She makes point after point and links them all into a practical, sensible, yet thoughtful chain, searching for the balancing point between clinging to the past and stepping into the future.

An excerpt wouldn't do justice to the whole. It's short, so give it a click.

SON, LET ME GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE...

Man, I can't wait until Blackfive gets a new non-Blogspotted home. Here's the useless permalink, and you'll probably need to scroll down to "Going Home Part 2" posted on 8/13.

Apparently Matt was just a little twerp who needed beating up as a child, and the local Nelson Muntz, Jimbo, & Carney were preparing to oblige. So, he asked his dad for advice:

-------------

Dad calmly responded: “Well, when Johnny has you cornered and is taunting you about your mother, punch him as hard as you can.”

What the hell???!!!

Little (smart-ass) Blackfive: “Hey, thanks, Pops, that is going to get the crap beat out of me!”

Dad: “No matter what you do, these idiots are going to try to beat you up. When they are calling you names or talking badly about your mom, they expect you to have the courtesy to sit there and listen to them. They won’t be expecting you to hit them. At least you can make them think twice about doing it again.”

Little Blackfive: “But, Dad, I can’t just hit them?!”

Dad: “Sure you can. I’ll show you how.”

My dad then taught me how to throw a punch. Did I mention that he once was the Heavyweight Boxing Champ of the America East Conference (Boston U)?

Oh yeah, did I mention that my dad is also an Episcopal Priest?
--------------

But it's more than a "days of my childhood" post. He relates this experience to the wider philosophical issues of passive resistance, pre-emption, and when each is appropriate.

Most intriguing, and highly recommended.

Oh, and Matt...

HURRY UP WITH THAT MOVE!

JUST SIT RIGHT BACK AND YOU'LL HEAR A TALE

I hate predictable writing. When I can tell from the first sentence exactly where a story is going, I usually start fumbling for my mouse and poking at the back button.

Found an exception. Via CotV #47, Joe at Attaboy tackles the predictable story of how people want to turn the Family & Medical Leave Act's unpaid leave into paid leave, tacks on the expected rant on personal responsibility, and weaves it all together with such style, wit, and grace that I wish he would've made it longer.

And I really liked that personal responsibility rant.

Go read.

GEEK 1, SPAM 130.20

I got to Ipse Dixit via CotV #47, but that's not the post in question. I was scrolling around and found the one that points to a discussion of how some geeks are proud of finding the highest-scoring spam e-mail. Apparently, SpamAssassin, a spam blocking program, rates e-mail on how many spammy characteristics it has, and lets you block it based on that score. Most people set theirs for 5, and it'll do pretty well at sorting spam from steak at that setting. But imagine the pride you'd feel receiving a spam with an "an idiot composed this message" score of over 100!

My inner geek says I really need to get SpamAssassin.

ARNIE FOR GOVERNOR: ALL THE MOVIES

Arnie's a movie star. Arnie is running for governor. Most pundits make a single lame reference to him "Terminating Governor Davis" and let it go at that.

However, via CotV #47, Ravenwood takes every last one of Arnie's movies and weaves them into a passably-uncontrived-sounding news story.  It's fascinating, in a "watch the human pretzel actually tickle his own left ear with his own right foot" sort of way. Well worth the short time it takes to read, just for the bragging rights of being able to say that you've actually seen it done.

NUKE = GOOD

I've heard the short version of the debates about whether we should've nuked Japan to end WWII. We killed hundreds of thousands, but we saved millions.

Via CotV #47, Silent Running fleshes out the details with the whole story of America's planned invasion, as well as the I've-never-heard-this-part-before of Japan's resistance plans. It's very specific, and it make me truly appreciate the wisdom of Truman's decision. See for yourself.

MEXICAN HOLIDAY

Most bloggers post a travel entry at some point. Most are also exceptionally dull. They read like a third grader's "What I Did On My Summer Vacation" essay with all kinds of "I went here and then I did this" yawn-induction.

Not this one. Wild dogs, hookers, bad water... it's got everything. Via CotV #47, Pete, over at The World According to Pete, regales us with his Mexican Odyssey.

--------------

A few days before he left [for Mexico], The Artist Known As Jake Martinez invited me to tag along at, as it turns out, the urging of his mom.

“Uh-oh,” I thought, “I think I’m about the be hoodwinked,” figuring they had found a bride for Jake but that she had a sister, and this was some sort of “2-for-1” deal – if one sister got married, the other had to get married too.

I was about to become marital collateral damage.

--------------

They never do find a wife for either one of them, but who cares? Just go along & enjoy the ride.

GOIN' THIS WAY

J, whose blogdentity crisis I posted about a few weeks ago, seems to have found his compass and has headed off in a direction that suits him. He's sportin' a new site, a new name (Quibbles 'n Bits) and more original content, as opposed to the Instapundit-lite link-festiveness that was driving him nuts.

Today he's got an interesting analysis of George W.'s political strategy. I've heard it claimed before that it's a "rope-a-dope" on the Democrats, where he just lets them keep swingin' until they tire themselves out, then moves in for the kill. J gives evidence that it's much more nuanced than that, drawing an insightful military analogy:

-------------

With a firesack, the scouts engage just enough to start to draw the enemy out, then rapidly and obviously retreat, drawing the scouts back to a small element of heavier forces that resembles the main body. Done well, the enemy breaks from his position and engages the heavy elements. The elements engaged break off and retreat, which usually causes the enemy to pursue.

And that's when the trap is sprung. As the enemy pursues the retreating element, the rest of the force pounces, closing from either side in a semicircular entrapment. The enemy suddenly discovers it's no longer in pursuit, but outflanked, in a vice, with the screw turning and the jaws closing.

-------------

Go check the post to see how this applies to Bush.

Oh yes, and for those who indulge, he has a few cigar reviews. Turns out that my brother Tom isn't the only person who was impressed by JR Alternatives.

WAR!

I don't know what this means for the future of the blogosphere, but Frank J. has, in an effort to keep his job as Imperial Secretary of War, declared war on Instapundit. Now he's asking everybody to choose sides.

Let's see, gut-cramping belly-laughs, or "Indeed".

Oh. That's a tough one. Let me sit down and think that over for a couple days :-P

As First Loser, I've already pledged my sword to his Frankness.

Death to the puppy blender!

Besides, Frank's offering a share of the plunder. I just hope said plunder doesn't include cursed Aztec gold.

HELP IS ON THE WAY

Susie was kind enough to help me search for *anyone* who remembers "Hare Tonic"/Rabbititis. She's such a sweetie.

By the way, if you, or someone you know, or even a complete stranger on a bus, actually remembers seeing the aforementioned cartoon, please let me know. I've just got that Omega Man feeling right now and could use some reasssurance.

Oh Dear GOD! Please tell me you remember "Omega Man"! Charleton Heston? Grumpy mutants?

I am so alone.

MUSICS OF THE SPHERE

Matt over at Blackfive has an excellently crafted concept post. [Titled: Music for the Best Blogs, posted 8/13, if his permalinks are Blogspotted] He lists his favorite bloggers and picks songs that match the site's personality, or are otherwise appropriate.

Unlike most lists you see out there, this one comes with complete explanations and lots of relavent links. He busted his ass to get this one together, and I hope this serves as a lesson to all those "I'm bored so I'll just throw up a list" bloggers that the list format can serve as a work of art.

I especially like his choice of "Not an Addict" for describing that cold, hollow empty feeling you get after you read a Bill Whittle post and start to realize that now you're gonna hafta wait like 2 months for the next one.

If you don't have your own blog, go read this cuz it's cool. If you have a blog, read this for educational purposes. If you're a Democrat, read this because he also makes fun of you:

------------------

Music if I had a lobotomy and spent time at these sites:
1. The Democratic Underground Jackasses = Caviar's "Tangerine Speedo" or Electronic's "Idiot Country"
- Reason: Songs about idiots. Hand me an f'ing towel, it's getting deep.

------------------

Mheh.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

THE BRIEFCASE

Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":

---------------

#5: While walking down a street in your neighborhood, you find a black briefcase clearly marked "Highly confidential information enclosed - do not open under any circumstances." What do you do?

---------------

[pop! flip-flip-flip]

Harv: Dear God! It's the monkeys' secret plans for conquering the world! I've got to get these to Frank J. immediately!

[snap! latch!]

Dashing down the sidewalk, I run into an old friend...

[SMACK!]

Harv: Hey! Lucky! I need a favor.

Leprechaun: I'm not a leprechaun, I'm a ll... ah crap! It's you. What the hell do you want?

Harv: Don't get snippy with me, you stumpy, mythological Irish freak! You owe me for not killing you last time.

Leprechaun: Bite me. I'm due on the set of a Lucky Charms commercial.

Harv: Well,... what about for the "milking incident"?

Leprechaun: ...So, what can I do for ya?

Harv: Teleport me to Frank.

Leprechaun: Dumbass. Why don't you just have me kill the monkeys for you?

Harv: How did you know about...

Leprechaun: Hello? Leprechaun? Supernatural powers?

Harv: Right. Do it.

Monkeys world-wide spontaneously combust.

...but somewhere in a dark cave... a voice...

"Fine. You get round 2. Now where's that hammer? It's hobo-whackin' time!"

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Godwin's Law! George wins!

STEP RIGHT UP & TRY YOUR LUCK

The Carnival (#47) is in town over at Right We Are. It's all there: the good, the bad, and the Blogspot. I'm still working my way through, so expect a goldfish-in-a-bag or two tomorrow. Meanwhile, you might want to head over there yourself. Go for the blogging, stay for the gratuitous cheescake (don't miss the main page header art).

200 WORDS OR LESS:

OUT WITH FRIENDS

Today's question is from Karin's ESL PartyLand: Teaching Conversation:

----------------

When did you last go out with friends? What did you do?

----------------

I was REALLY drunk at the time, but I’m pretty sure this happened last week. My old Navy buddy, Carnivore Bill, and I crashed an Earth First! meeting…

[knock knock]

Earth First Freak: What’s the password?

Harv: uh… Terra Firma Uber Alles?

EFF: Welcome, Earth Brother, come in and… Great Gurgling Gaia! You’re both naked!

Bill: Of course. Clothing rapes natural resources and oppresses our planet.

EFF: Um… yes… uh… certainly… er… mustn’t oppress… uh… Yeesh! Maybe just a tiny loincloth?

Harv: Hey! It’s not actually tiny, it’s just cold outside, and…

Bill: Let it go, man. So, … AAAHHH! TABLE!

EFF: Table?

Harv: They’ve exploited wood! YOU BASTARDS!

EFF: Wood? But…

Bill: HOLY SPOTTED OWLS! Harv! Look! That wall!

EFF: Wall? wha…?

Harv: CONCRETE! You’re oppressing tiny rock particles! YOU EVIL, SELFISH BASTARDS! Rocks are part of the Earth and have the same rights as plants and animals! Bill, hand me the C4.

Bill: Here ya go.

Harv: Any enviro-freaks who don’t want to become one with the Earth in a red-spray way had best start running like Frenchmen.

[sound of mass mineral liberation]

EPILOGUE:

Harv: Bill, you were naked. Where’d that C4 come from?

Bill: Harv… don’t ask.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



I don't think so. The closest I could find was "AGOG LID MYTH".

BURNING LIKE A RECTAL JALAPENO

Bonfire of the Vanities #6 is up, and, as usual, the entries range from lousy to atrocious. I think I pulled a shoulder muscle from cringing. However, as hard as most of the entries sucked, someone was only pulling like a 40-year-old Hoover with a nozzle full of cat hair. Everyone else was doing a good 60 inches of mercury.

NOTE: I may be prejudiced on this one, since I think marsupials are adorable and plan to visit Australia in the near future.

OTHER NOTE: Would somebody PLEASE tell me they remember the Bugs Bunny cartoon featuring "rabbititis"? I'm starting to question my sanity.

PRACTICAL GANGSTA'

Looks like Susie has gang-tagged my comments with a little blogger love grafitti. Susie rulz!

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



I don't know how to tell ya this, mister, but...

STARBUCKS = NOT EVIL

I don't think I've ever actually been in a Starbucks, or even had their coffee. Mostly I know them by reputation: they're everywhere (except where I live), and they're an "evil" symbol of corporate sprawl whose windows make fun crashy sounds during anti-globalization riots.

Turns out that they're also supporting the troops by supplying some free coffee. Sgt. Stryker has the details.

FLAMES A' GETTIN' HIGHER!

Sgt. Stryker has a brief history of napalm, from its humble gasoline-naphthenate-palmitate origins to its current incarnation as kerosene-polystyrene-benzene. He writes this to take the DoD to task for preferring to use the politically-correct term "firebomb" (because the word "napalm" makes hippies cry). He suggest a different method of handling the language usage:

-------------

So, DoD spokes[man, person, it, whatever], the next time a reporter asks if we used napalm, be truthful and say something like, "Yes we used incendiary firebombs to destroy the enemy, but we don't call it napalm anymore."

Reporter: "What do you call it now?"

DoD spokesman: "We like to think of it as, Victory..."

---------------

It's an excellent post, with several examples of how napalm comes in handy during combat operations. Well worth a read for anyone who (like me) has previously only heard the bad side of incendiaries.

NOTE: This one goes out to my brother Tom, who, when playing violent video games, always prefers the flame weapons. He is also the source (as far as I and Google know) of the quote, "It ain't a party without napalm!"

DIGGING UP THE DEW

I'm not a big Mountain Dew fan, although the caffeine makes it necessary on occasion. I never gave a thought to the origin of this peppy beverage, but apparently PhotoDude has. It seems that it is NOT the bastard offspring of Canada Dry's Wink, but actually dates back to the early 60's, with a 7-up-like ancestor that got its start in the early 40's. PhotoDude has the whole story.

I'm dedicating this post to my brother Tom & nephew Michael, two of the Dewinest dudes I know.

GRAND THEFT BLOGGO

Susie wrote this. It's too short to excerpt, and too on-point for me to comment on. So I'll just steal it whole & give her a link:

---------------

You know you are spending too much time on your computer when you are leafing through a book looking for a particular passage, and for a split second you try to hit Ctrl+F to find a keyword in the book.....

----------------

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

Look, even if I say the words "you're not a stalker", it still doesn't change the fact that the restraining order clearly states 300 feet, so GET AWAY FROM ME!

200 WORDS OR LESS:

THE CLINTON LEGACY

Today's question is from Great Questions of History:

------------------

Could Clinton be a successful leader despite his private conduct?

----------------------

Taking the question literally, I'm inclined to say, "no". However, as Bill himself taught us, words have many definitions, and answers depend on what each word means. So let's assume:

Could - as in "monkeys could fly out my butt"

Clinton - a small town in Wisconsin

be - a form of "is" - could mean anything

a - is a

successful - not destroying all human life

leader - the first two inches of non-magnetized tape on an audiocassette

despite - not to be confused with "despot"

his - a sexist term, ignore this word

private - not in the sense of "private parts", which are naughty

conduct - moving electricity from hither to yon

So "Will humanity will be destroyed by a small town in Wisconsin as non-despotic flying butt-monkeys (not penises) move electricity around a piece of non-magnetized plastic tape?"

Hmmm... I guess the answer is still "no".

WHAT TIME IS IT?

Susie (who is, rumor has it, the best thing to happen to movie theaters since Michelle Pfeiffer in a cat-suit), has a post where she ruminates on how stupid people show up to buy movie tickets, i.e. 6:58 for a 7pm show. As she points out, by the time you get your drinks & popcorn, you're going to miss part of the movie. Yet people do it regularly, and then blame her for their lack of foresight.

I've noticed a somewhat similar (or perhaps opposite) punctuality problem at our bank. We open at 9am, as we have done for the 40 years that we've been at our current location. Yet almost daily, we'll have someone pull up at 8:55, walk up to the door, tug on it, check our "hours of operation" sign, check their watch, and then pace fitfully back and forth until the doors are unlocked. All too often, my door-unlocking is greeted with a grumbled "about time."

I wouldn't complain about this, except that these are often regular customers, and we have a 20 FOOT HIGH SIGN WITH THE CURRENT TIME IN 3 FOOT HIGH NUMBERS.

Our clock is set to network TV time, so I don't think we're to blame here.

But, if nothing else, my clock is bigger than your clock, therefore, I'm right

NYAH!

Anyone else in the customer service industry have a customer punctuality problem?

STRAY NOTE: Susie's interview is up at Sanity's Edge. No cat-suit pics (drat!), but plenty of intelligent conversation and gratuitous man-lust.

LISTENING TO WHISPERS

As a horrid overgeneralization, men speak to offer solutions to problems. Women speak to express their emotions. One of the things I love best about my wife is that she's much less emotional than typical females. But she still has her Spock's mom "sick to death of your logic" moments.

Over the years, I've learned that when she lashes out, it's usually a request for love, support, or attention, and I've learned to talk with her, patiently and understandingly, until we discover her real need.

In those same years, I've also discovered that, more often than not, when I'm angry with my beloved wife, the real cause of my frustration is that  there's some unaccomplished task whose nagging undoneness makes me feel like I'm not sufficiently in control of my life. Being more like Spock than his mother, I fix this by sitting quietly and thinking until I discover the loose thread in question. Once spotted, I can take a metaphorical pair of scissors to it & I feel better.

David, over at Sketches of Strain phrases it most aptly:

-----------------

When I get bees in my head (or bats, or shit-throwing monkeys, or whatever), I do my best to try and figure out what they want. Most of the time, they want me to write something. Sometimes they're just telling me that I need to eat. Or sleep. Or stop obsessing about whatever it is that's making me grind my teeth in my sleep and either fix it or accept that I can't.

-----------------

It's a nice piece, and well worth a read, if for no other reason than that warm, comforting, "I'm not alone" feeling.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Non-smilers will be struck by lightning.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Charlotte may be a "cheap" hooker, but she does have a solid reputation for quality.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

JUST IMAGINE

Geez, you're one of those "visualize world peace" tweedles, aren't you? All the time going on about "imagine" this and "consider" that, and "we need to have a national debate about the merits of the proposal, taking into full consideration the diverse viewpoints of…”

SHUT THE HELL UP!

You and your dither-skulled ilk are forever blathering on about the "power of imagination" and "the investigation of ideas”, and “talk, talk, yammer, yada, blah, blah…”

PLEASE. JUST. SHUT. UP!

You're the kind of "it's only good if it isn't real" Chomsky-idiot-twaddle-curious-green-ideas-sleep-furiously, “my, isn’t that deep and meaningful and…”

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD…. BE… QUIET!!!!

You make me so sick with your "imagination is more powerful than knowledge" let's take Einstein out of context and let's just sit around talking and wishing but don't ever lift a finger to do any actual work and….rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!

Enough of this think & consider & imagine crap! I'm actually going to DO something now by strangling you and decorating my thumbs with your eyeballs and will you please just SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY?

….In summary, this experience affected me with a barbed wire migrane. I'm going to lie down for a while.

DIDN'T SEE IT COMING

I used to have a fairly ditzy female acquaintance, who would bounce from one relationship to the next, and was forever asking "good friend Harv" for opinions on how her current relationship was progressing. These questions usually began with the phrase, "Harv, you're a man, so tell me, what does it mean when a guy..."

One time, "Carol" tried to downplay the seriousness of her current other:

----------------

Carol: We're not really "serious"

Harv: Are you having sex?

Carol: Well, yes, but that doesn't really mean anything.

Harv: Um, yeah. Ok, so does he have his own toothbrush here?

Carol: Well, yes.

Harv: Sounds pretty serious to me.

Carol: Bah! You're crazy! It's not like we're living together.

Harv: Carol, does he get his mail delivered here?

Carol: Well... some of it.

Harv: You're living together.

--------------

So, in my world, "serious" = "toothbrush" and "shacking up" = "mailing address". Pretty cut & dried.

However, via CotV #46, Last Man Dancing contends that, in his world at least, the camel-snapping-straw is a subtle, elusive quantity, for example:

------------------

It starts innocuously enough. A sweater inadvertently left behind (yeah, riiiiight) finds its own hangar in your closet. A toothbrush appears next to yours. A brush, a can of deodorant and then suddenly that extra drawer you used to have finds itself filled with unmentionables.

It comes in plain paper bags. A suitcase would be too obvious. Paper bags can be discretely snuck into the garbage when your back is turned. Suddenly there’s a beachhead established. And then one day, you come home from work, and there’s a hot meal on the table. You walk into your bacheloresque bathroom and there, to your horror, there’s a little basket with wood chips, tiny little pieces of soap and matching embroidered towels.

----------------------

The conversation that ensues is not to be missed. Go look.

NO, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING?

Via Fark.com, I've come across the worst name for a girl scout troop, ever. Yes, it's real. Yes, their mascot is really a beaver. Yes, it just doesn't get any wronger than this.

CRYSTAL CLEAR AS MUD ON A HOT TIN ROOF

Confused by the lefty arguments against the War on Terror? Sure! We all are! But, via the Emperor, I've discovered that Balloon Juice has collected them all into one easy-to-understand post, which begins:

---------------

We shouldn't lash out at Afghanistan in some sort of blind revenge, because you can not bomb people living in the stone ages back into the stone ages and because there is no evidence that they were behind 9/11 but all the Democrats are in favor of attacking Afghanistan because we have international support and they are not reflexively anti-war and Afghanistan is a quagmire with a brutal winter except that the only thing worse is the brutal summer and we have made the people hate us by killing only civilians and tribal warlords are not good allies and this is all about a pipeline and things are improving in Afghanistan but now we are dropping the ball because we are not giving them enough support...

-----------------

and goes on to explain such topics as the war in Iraq and WMD.

Go read the whole thing. You'll be glad purple monkey dishwasher.

WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME I WAS DEAD?

Ya know, what really scares the bejeezus out me about this pic is that, of the groups listed on the headstone, I actually have seen:

Judas Priest, Aerosmith, Billy Squier, Iron Maiden, Rush, Styx, Quiet Riot, Dio, Motley Crue, Ozzy, and Deep Purple.

That's. Just. Creepy.

1. REMOVE PASTRY FROM POUCH

I love Pop Tarts. Sketches of Strain alerts me to the fact that they have a yummy-sounding new flavor out now, Hot Fudge Sundae. I gotta give these a try.

Must remember to heed the toaster warning, though:

Due to possible risk of fire, never leave your toasting appliance or microwave unattended.

THE GUNNERY SGT'S WORDS OF LOVE

I'll be honest, I only liked the first half of "Full Metal Jacket". The Sarge's nearly insane rantings left me rolling on the floor. The second half of the movie just had my eyes glazing over, looking forward to the credits.

Via Boots & Sabers, I've discovered the "Full Metal Jacket Soundboard", with all my favorite Sarge quotes. Just click the button and re-live such classics as "It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress".

Go give a listen.

GUN FUN

I'm dedicating this one to my brother Tom, who ordered the Matrix DVD for the sole purpose of watching "the lobby scene" on endless loop. Which is not necessarily a bad thing ;-)

Via Cold Fury, I'm proud to present Mad Ogre's "The Guns of the Matrix" - a very thorough analysis of the firearms used by the Matrix characters. For example:

------------

 It seems like Neo’s preferred handgun is the Beretta 92FS.  This is a solid choice due to the guns inherent accuracy and reliability.  It also holds a potent stash of full power 9MM ammunition.  This is the perfect choice for emptying whole clips at agents.   He uses a pair of 92FS pistols in the lobby battle, then one in the elevator shaft, and then a pair up on the roof top.  If I was to face an armed adversary, a 92FS would be my choice as well.

----------

If you love both guns and The Matrix, this is required reading.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



After discovering the truth about George's "wooden teeth", PeTA engages in their usual form of "non-violent protest".

CRITICAL MASS ATTAINED

I've been watching Blackfive's blog for a while. I've found some good stuff on it now and again, and I was just waiting for one more thing to give me a reason to blogroll him.

Found it today. He links a Chicago Trib piece that describes how the French are suffering the economic consequences of Chiracs political stupidity. Knowing that the cowardly & annoying are having a bad day is like sitting in front of a winter's night fireplace for me.

In case the second link doesn't work properly (what? a FUBAR Blogspot permalink? Inconceivable!), hit the first link, scroll down, and look for the 8/7/03 "Links o' the day", item #7.

Can't wait until he moves off Blogspot. Maybe Matt should take Dean up on his offer.

UPDATE: In the comments to a previous post, I discovered that Matt is also a trustworthy Irishman.

OUT OF CONTROL HELPING URGES

Lynn over at Reflections in d minor has brought up another good point that made my brain go "click" when I read it:

------------

I am irritated by my own mistakes but I can fix those when I see them. I think a big part of the irritation with grammar and spelling mistakes is seeing something out of place and being unable to do anything about it - like seeing a painting hanging askew and automatically reaching out to straighten it.

--------------

Now I finally understand why I feel the irritation. I never analyzed that before.

Which brings up the point of what to do with that irritation. I say, by all means, straighten the picture, but remember to wear your kid gloves when you do it. In other words, point out the error to soothe your own irritation, yes, but don't let that irritation show in the pointing.

Too often, the fixing urge is combined with a lack of understanding on the proper way to point out someone else's mistake without bruising an ego. Blustery, clumsy-mouthed folk can unintentionally cause cascades of bad feelings & recriminations. Witness Frank J going off on some "but I meant well" commenter.

Helping without hurting requires a gentle touch. If you must correct, best to do so privately (e-mail instead of comments), and with a tone suggesting that the flaw was due to error, rather than an intellectual shortcoming or moral failing.

Oh, and if you're pointing out a spelling error, don't forget to run a spell-check on your pointer :-)

Side Note:

I've been looking for an excuse to blogroll Lynn for a while. Finding this gem (as well as her taking the time to post a comment on one of my bits) was just what I needed.

Also, I finally had some time to read her front page. I discovered that, regardless of my degree of interest in the posted topic, I really enjoyed her easy, conversational writing style. There are some big blocks of text, which in lesser hands make for a hard read, but with Lynn at the keyboard, they just breeze right by.

GOOD DOG       

I'm not really a dog person, even though I have two of them. One is sort of a step-dog that came with my beloved wife, the other was a flea-market giveaway that my wife wanted to adopt more than I wanted to argue about it.

But I'm not going to regale you with dog stories, because they are, as a rule, quite dull, unless you're intimately familiar with the dog in question. 

I discovered an excellent exception to this rule, however, via CotV #46. Mtpolitics lets you meet Digger and grow to love her in just a few short paragraphs, and by the time you finish reading, you miss her like your own. Every dog owner who's had to say good-bye will enjoy this one.

BIZARRE GOOGLE HITS

exposition money is a bad effect on people

So is illiterate googling.

------------------------------

how to goose step march

You put your left leg up

You put your left leg down

You put your left leg up

And you shake it all around...

...Nazi freak.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

DECEIVED!

Today's question comes from Northwestern University's Freshman admission application:

--------------------------

We are often misled by the appearance of things, of people, even of ourselves. Write about an appearance that deceived you and analyze its significance to you.

------------------

When I was nine, I saw a leprechaun. Unlike some losers, however, I actually caught mine. I was walking through the countryside, enjoying my evening constitutional...

[begin flashback]

Harv: Look! A leprechaun! I'm gonna catch him!

[brief struggle]

Harv: GOTCHA! Now give me the gold, you rotten little leprechaun!

Leprechaun: Let me go ya freakin' lunatic! I'm not a leprechaun! I'm a llama!

Harv: Gimme my gold!

Leprechaun: Look, you psychotic retard, why don't you try reading the sign over there? What's that say?

Harv: Llucky Llarry's Lleprechaun Farm.

Leprechaun: Llama Farm! What's the matter with you, you illiterate feeb? Are you some kind of Massachusetts school superintendent?

Harv: Ha! If you were really a llama, I'd be able to milk you. I'm pulling, but I don't see any milk.

Leprechaun: I'm not female.

Harv: Oops. Sorry.

Leprechaun: Believe me, I'm not that upset. [wink]

Harv: Hmmm... so how come you can talk?

Leprechaun: ...

Harv: Well?

Leprechaun: Baaaa?

Harv: That's a sheep.

Leprechaun: ...crap. Ok, gold's behind that stump.

Harv: Sweet!

[end flashback]

Turns out the "gold" was heavily-corn-fed llama droppings.

Lesson learned: never trust a sober Irishman. Or an Irishman, sober. I forget which.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

 

Quarters make Chomps very angry.

FIRST LOSER: UNCUT

Here, in it's entirety, is my non-existant-silver-medal winning entry to Frank's Permalink Contest

I replaced the white space that Frank removed from the my original entry and took the liberty of correcting a typo that was probably the real reason I didn't win. Free gratuitous link to the first person who can spot it:

----------------------------

THE QUESTION

They struck during the night. There was no warning. By morning, they had swarmed the U.S. and resistance was crippled. One fought bravely against them, trying to end the menace. Finally, though, the sword broke, the Colt 1991 locked on an empty clip, and the mighty Frank J. fell. He died as they always thought he would: clawed and bitten by thousands of monkeys.
Now the monkeys, in conjunctions with the hippies and the Communists, have taken control. The hippies dictate government policy, the Communists crack down on freedom, and the monkeys... well the monkeys just cause havoc. They race sports cars through school zones and rob liquor stores all day long. It's all over, it seems, for the human race, but there is one hope left: you.
You lead a ragtag group of rebels in possession of a few small arms. In 200 words or less, how do you plot and bring about the downfall of the monkey, hippy, Commie power structure?

-----------------------

"There's only one way to stop them. We'll create a super-virus, mixing DNA from Frank, Rumsfeld, and Ebola."

"You can't do that," said a suspiciously odiferous cabal-member, "what about the unknown environmental consequences?"

*SHLORP*- I ripped the heart from his chest, holding it in front of his eyes as it spurted patchouli. "Shut up, hippy spy."

"URK!" said the hippy.

"But won't this require a new government program to pay for treating all the infected working poor?" said an elderly, rotund, gin-blossomed man (whom I'd been eyeing suspiciously).

"Die, Commie!"

"Kennedy"

"Whatever."

“BLAM!” added my Frank J Memorial 1991 decisively, ending the argument.

“Anyway, we’ll use the labs at ImClone to put this together.”

“How will we make it in? We’re nearly out of ammo.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve got inside connections. My mother-in-law is Martha Stewart. At least I think she is. Last time she visited, she alphabetized my silverware.”

“Alphabetized your…?”

“Don’t ask.”

“Anyway, enough chatter. Let’s roll.”

The virus worked as planned. Hippies and Commies died of strangulation-like symptoms, while monkeys everywhere bled to death out of their eyes.

… but somewhere in a dark cave… a voice… ”This round is yours, but I’ll be back.” *sip* “mmm… blended puppy.”

DAMN

Results are in at Frank's place, and, as I feared, the winner of the Super Happy Lucky Fun Permalink Contest Number One was one of the many entrants who were not me.

I didn't like Jarred's answer when I first read it, but as the day wore on, I came to appreciate the fact that his solution was the most practical, and I might have actually voted for it, in the absence of self-interest. I thought it was especially gutsy considering the fate of the last person to enter a micro-answer.

I did manage to take the "first loser" spot, though. And, when I was trying to envision a realistic worst-case scenario this morning, I decided that I'd be at least reasonably content as long as I got more than my fair share of the final votes, i.e., greater than 16%. That I did, and spots 3, 4, 5 & 6 each got less than half my score, so there's still a little schadenfreudy happiness to be had.

Congratulations to Jarred for winning, and I'll be sending him some Frankfeldbola virus in the mail.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

CELEBRATING DIVERSITY

Today's question comes from the U of Virginia Freshman entry application:

"What kind of diversity will you bring to U. Va.?"

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We are men of action. Lies do not become us.

What you really want to know is whether letting me in will boost your minority body count.

Can't help you there. I'm white.

Terribly white.

I'm "way too many Wisconsin winters spent indoors locked away from the sun's gentle, browning rays" white. Tubercular, nasty, pasty, white. Although "pasty" is actually a misnomer - I make paste look like coal tar.

In fact, I make Edgar Winter look like a Cuban refugee fresh from a 90-day flight-to-freedom inner-tube ride.

I'm "10 million candles per square inch let's blind Spock to kill the alien within" white.

I'm your worst whitemare.

But, on the bright side (heh), since I make everyone else look comparatively darker, when the Federal Diversity Monkeys do a black-count on your student body, you'll end up looking like Tuskegee University, and the government cash-for-coloreds checks will flow like Niagra.

So slap on your sunglasses, play that funky music, and welcome the Super-Honky.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

PROLOGUE 

From entering Frank's permalink contest, and answering all the questions, even when they weren't my responsibility (see Categories list in the sidebar), I've discovered that I sort of like the short essay question format, and I'm considering making it an occasional (or possibly even regular) feature here. Good questions are hard to find, so please feel free to offer suggestions in the comments or via e-mail (but no promises on what gets used). Also, please feel free to use the questions on your own blog as you see fit.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



November 2001: George W. Bush makes a stop in the White House cafeteria for a cup of coffee, as he wrestles with how to proceed with the War On Terror. As he disinterestedly counts his change, he stops - thunderstruck.

"yes," he whispers.

"yes, of course."

"THAT'S IT!"

"RUMSFELD! Get your ass over here NOW!"

[smiles] "We've got work to do..."

BotV #4: HMMM... MAYBE SOME MORE GASOLINE

Wizbang has the Bonfire crackling for the 4th time. Seems like the entries get better & better all the time. Something's wrong here...

But to his credit, Kevin is also getting better and better at introing the pieces. If he keeps this up, he'll have to change his name to Leonard Pinth-Garnell

My favorite in this edition: the "I smell like vinegar" post, along with its comments. I don't know which scares me more: that someone would put those words into Google, or that there might actually be a reasonable explanation for it. Either way, it's cold sweats & shudders.

Plenty more fetid flaming feces where that came from. Go take a look.

6 MEN ENTER, 1 MAN LEAVES

The final poll for Frank J's permalink contest is up and running. Even if you've never voted for anything before in your life, you have to vote here and now. Polls close Wednesday around 5:30 pm Central Time.

Having read the entries, I think I have a pretty good chance, but there's definitely material there that could render all my dilligent efforts useless.

Regardless, go and vote your conscience.

VOTE SOON!

Frank should be posting the responses to the final round blogroll contest question today. Please remember to stop by & vote.

As before, vote for the best one. Either it's mine, or I don't deserve to win, anyway.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

I tell ya, it's a slippery slope. If we give 'em gay marriage, what are they gonna start asking for next?

STRICTLY A VISUAL

American Digest has a gallery of "separated at birth" pix, featuring the Democratic presidential candidates. I especially like John Kerry & Lurch.

DESCENDING INTO SELF-PARODY

I don't usually enjoy fiskings (for those who don't know, a "fisking" is a line-by-line refutation of points made in an odiously stupid bit of writing, named after Robert Fisk, whose sub-human lefty blatherings are frequently subjected to them), because they are often disproportionately harsh in comparison with my reaction, and thus fail the "based-on-truth" aspect I consider necessary for a humorously entertaining post.

Occasionally, though, a piece will be so nutball tinfoil-hat that it leaves me spluttering incomplete sentences while my brain desperately attempts comprehension of how ANYONE could possibly say this crap with a straight face.

For example, I read this spit-take inducing "WHAAAAA?" piece by some anti-personal-responsibility lunatic, and my only responses was along the lines of:

Huh?

NO!

What?

Are you serious?

Are you even human?

What the F*** is the matter with you!?

Fortunately, Mike over at Cold Fury has much better responses to this freak-show op-ed. If reading this insanity leaves you pounding your head against your cell's padded wall with me, stop by Mike's for a tall glass of Lithium-Prozac on the rocks.

WHAT A PICTURE'S WORTH

Lynn at Reflections in D Minor does some cogitating on why she takes so many pictures. I can certainly relate. I've got piles of photos laying around my house, unloved an unalbumed. The "why" of this is something that she comes very close to discovering, and, in fact, catches most of it:

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"Earlier I was watching a goldfinch picking seeds out of a sunflower and thought what a great picture it would make. But this time I didn't bother. It was only about 30 feet away, but even with my 200mm lens it would not have been a good enough close up. Besides, the experience of watching cannot be captured with a camera. Watching that little bird, brilliant yellow on the large faded bloom, beautiful, alive, hanging upside down picking out seeds, then sitting up, looking around, then back to picking. Yeah, I guess a picture might have been nice if I could somehow have gotten close enough, but then I would have missed a couple of minutes of just watching.".

-------------------------

As I see it, there are two reasons for taking pictures: to create art and to capture a moment. They're based on two different drives: love of process and love of subject.

Professionals, like Photodude, are obsessed with creating an image. They see shapes and colors and seek to compose them so as to create a specific emotion in the viewer. It's about testing their creative limits to see what meaning can be wrung out of otherwise uninteresting objects. I doubt that Photodude cares much about a plastic toy soldier. He cares about what he can do with it.

Then there's the "pictures of our vacation" types (like my wife and I). We don't really care what the picture ends up looking like. For us, we seek only to create touchstones to remind us of where we've been and what we enjoyed. Years ago, I commented to a hobby-photographer friend, "Why are you taking pictures of this crap? You'll just look at it later & go, 'here's a rock, here's a tree, here's a bird.'" He responded, "sure, right now it's just a rock or a tree or a bird, but in a couple of years, it's all you're gonna have to remember it by."

With Lynn's goldfinch, it was the pleasurable emotion that she was seeking to capture, not the image, and she probably did the right thing by enjoying the process and blogging about it. Even a good photo wouldn't have captured the pleasure she felt, and she's better off storing the memory than than the image.

WHERE TO NOW?

J, over at Blog of Xanadu is having a blogdentity crisis. After 18 months, he's dissatisfied with both his hit count and, more importantly, the quality of his own posting. I find the post interesting because it's a microcosmic mirror of decision points everywhere. There simply comes a time when your life's ship needs more rudder. Putting your back into steering your choices is always an applaudable event. This is no exception.

I've only been blogging about 6 weeks, so I'm only slightly qualified to offer advice, but that won't stop me.

First, I think changing directions is generally a good thing. I took some comfort in reading Frank's blogiversary post on the many turning points of IMAO. I've already had a few changes of heart at my place.

I originally intended to be a "think-piece" guy. I had long admired Steven's ability to hammer out mile-long insightful analysis on topical issues. But it didn't take long to realize that I have neither the time nor the typing skills to do so.

I also considered being a cold-hearted, soul-crushing fisk-monster like the Emperor. Liberal asshats certainly need deconstruction, and Misha does it with a satisfactorily blood-lusting vengance. However, I soon discovered that I just don't have the sustainable anger level to keep it up on a regular basis. Harsh criticism - not my gig.

Now I'm mostly about admiring intros for things on the web that I find pleasing. It's an honest exercise in blogging that suits my temperament, and it makes the subjects of my praise feel good, too. The world becomes a better place, one tiny entry at a time.

Of course there's always the graffiti currency, which is the daily hook with which I hope to keep people checking back regularly. Plus, thanks to Frank's permalink contest, I'm discovering a penchant for high comedy which I'd not previously suspected.

In short, I've found my voice, and that's more or less what blogging is all about for me.

Of course, a writer without readers is just another crazy old guy on the street corner singing "Old Gray Mare" with his pants around his ankles, so I do what I can to get noticed. Right now, that's mostly the weekly entries to the Bonfire and Carnival of the Vanities. My hope is that if people stop by, they'll like what they see, and maybe come back again on their own.

The other part of the plan is just to keep throwing my name out there. If people see it often enough, they might stop by out of curiosity, hopefully getting hooked in the process.

So, my short advice for J is to keep writing, keep throwing your name out there, and, eventually, those who like your style will make you their home-away-from home.

As to his preferring 25,000 readers to 25, I don't know how worthy the goal is. Isn't one loyal reader worth 1000 indifferent curiosity seekers? If you just want numbers, start a porn site. You'll get plenty of attention. But if your blog is really about your content instead of your ego, maybe you should just be grateful for having a few people who really love you for who you really are and what you really want to do.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Kirilian photography reveals the changes in George's aura when he thinks about deer hunting.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



For some reason, George had a Beatles song stuck in his head.

WHOO-HOO!

I won my division in Frank's permalink constest.

[insert rhythmless white-boy happy-dance here]

I got lucky & found my muse on that entry. My first thoughts had been about soap & hard work as hippie repellants - glad I didn't go that way. While lying awake that night, though, I started started thinking about how angry hippies make me feel, and once I got the Popeye angle, the rest came pretty easy. The hard part was keeping it under 200 words. I had to shave it down from 217, but I think it came out better for the effort.

The question was: You are on your way somewhere, but a group of hippies incoherently protesting something blocks your way. In 200 words or less, what is the best way to handle this situation?

--------------------------

 I actually encountered this situation once. All I wanted to do was cross the street, but the road was jammed with retarded lefties blathering gibberish like, “Free Mumia For Oil”, “No Blood For Peace”, and “Bush Lied, Babies Died, I’ll Have Tofu On The Side”, or something like that.

I suppressed my rage until I saw the “Bush = Puppy Blender” sign, then something inside me snapped. “That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!” I cried, reaching over to a nearby organic foods vending cart, grabbing a handful of spinach, and shoving it down my throat.

Somewhere nearby, a Phish-smelling band inexplicably started playing a modified hornpipe, as animated battleship tattoos magically appeared on my biceps and started firing live shells into the fetid assembly. I waded through the crowd, my bulgy forearms windmilling madly as the Phish-smellers segued into a quick-tempo Yankee Doodle. Filthy hippies flew in all directions, landing in comical pretzel-piles, with their stupid-slogan signs jammed in previously functional orifices.

Covered in patchouli-befouled blood, I reached the other side and burst into song:

“I’m strong to the finish

(here’s a buck for your spinach)

Don’t F*** with the sailor man!”

TOOT! TOOT!

---------------------------

A big thanks to all who voted, and an honorable mention to Mark for referencing insulting Frank's grammar as a one-way ticket to an early grave. I would've picked that one in the absense of self-interest.

The final round starts Monday, and it's gonna be a lot tougher. I'll have to leave a wake-up call for my muse.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Someone finally put some jingle in Cox & Forkum's tip jar, and they couldn't be happier.

HEAD SCRATCHER

My beloved wife asked me this question, and I don't know the answer, or even if there is an answer. Any help would be appreciated.

If something needs to be seen to be understood, we say, "it's a visual"

What do you call it when something needs to be read to be understood?

This came up in the context of me trying to explain the concept of Frank's In My World posts in a few short words. I felt overwhelmed by the challenge and soon gave up by saying, "it's just something you really need to read for yourself".

Maybe I should have said, "it's a textual"?