NO PROTECTION

I was over at Sgt. Stryker's Daily Briefing, where I read an interesting piece on the speech restrictions faced by US soldiers. Being former Navy, myself, this reminded me of a broader point that would occur to me every now and again while I was serving.

When you join the US Armed Forces, you take an oath to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic. In return for your devotion, the Constitution will no longer protect you. You may not speak, or write, or assemble, or pray, or keep/bear arms, or be secure in your person/papers/houses, except as a privilege granted by your superiors and ruled over by one of the most merciless documents ever scripted: The Uniform Code of Military Justice.

Just take a quick breeze through the Punitive Articles, and marvel at the array of relatively common civilian behaviors that gets a soldier some serious trouble. Talk back to a superior - jail time. Late for work - jail time. Creative sex with your wife - jail time.

Look at article 100. You can be executed for taking down the flag at the wrong time.

Of course, all this is absolutely necessary to make the Armed Services an effective engine of destruction in pursuit of its mission to protect the US. There's no way around it. Running a hippy commune ain't gonna get the job done, and that's not my point.

My point is that I'd just like for American civilians to appreciate the fact that, although good soldiers often say, "I'm just doing my job," they are NOT doing a JOB. A job is something you can quit when you have a bad day. These men are voluntary indentured servants, and they serve at the whim and need of the government and they've surrendered every single Constitutional protection that they used to enjoy and take for granted. In exchange, the have the job description of "taking a bullet" for $20,000 a year in salary.

What sane person would sign up for that?

A Patriot.

And God bless them all.

NO, WE'RE NOT CRAZY

Dana's a little worried about us, what with our asking and answering our own questions. There's actually a simple explanation. We've been fighting this Blog War way too long. All that close combat with InstaSybil, and his MPD is starting to rub off on us. But I think we'll recover, won't we Harv?

Damn right, Harv.

Anway, she's also disappointed that I'm less than fond of Trading Spaces. She says it's a wonderful show that's actually inspired her to do some redecorating around the house.

That's exactly the problem. It gives women decorating ideas.

Remember the last time my Beloved Wife got a decorating idea?

SHOPPING TIP

When shopping for new tires for your car or truck, look carefully at the tread pattern. Always select the one that would look better on a hippy.

SIMPSON DRINKS

One of my co-workers is thrilled that season 3 of the Simpsons is out on DVD now. He's having a party and serving martinis to celebrate.

Also, Blackfive (love that new logo, Matt) is celebrating... well, drinking in general, in his fine Irish style. He even includes a good martini recipe:

****************

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(introduction)

A kiss is just another reminder that two heads are better than one.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



[I'm in Saturday school at West Aurora High School in Aurora IL this bill was already looking rough when I got it. E-mail CLpurtiboi@yahoo.com let me know]

Sadly, the only response was from spammers advertising "XXX Black Peeing Porn".

MNF

First, my condolences to Matt for being a nice guy who has the misfortune to be backing a football team in a basketball state.

Second, Matt, I just need a favor. You know that razor-sharp, ball-catching, wide-open-receiver-getting, run-stuffing, quarterback-crushing team that was running around Soldier Field last night? Yeah, that one. Make sure THAT'S the team you send back to Green Bay.

On a serious note, I really liked the new Soldier field. That's a stadium you can be proud of. I hope that someday (not TOO soon), you have a Bears team that'll be as good.

THE IRAQI QUAGMIRE

Why is it taking "so long" for things to get better in Iraq? Stephen has the answer:

*********

For 25 years, the people of Iraq lived under the most brutal and harsh of oppression. Anyone who drew any attention and suspicion at all would vanish in the night, or be taken away publicly in daylight. Some people were taken pretty much at random, tortured, and released just so everyone else would remain in fear of the government. Some people were forced to watch their own children be tortured; some such children were maimed or killed. In a situation like that, everyone learns to be extremely scrupulous about saying and doing exactly what they think those in power want them to. When any hint of dissent leads to a horrible death, you don't tend to get many dissenters. And if you hold such an opinion, you lock it deep inside yourself and try to suppress it.

So they're not used to thinking for themselves, and making decisions for themselves. They're not used to being free.

*********

But things are changing, and after a few months of the populace watching each other NOT being executed for exercising their freedom of speech, the larger mass of the citizens is starting to believe that they finally are free.

Belief isn't enough, however. Exercising your freedom is actually an acquired skill, and there are things that will take time for the Iraqis to learn:

*********

The IPO people went to Iraq with clear goals. First, they wanted to establish debating societies and newsletters in the Baghdad universities. "These are going to be the seeds of democracy," Yasser explains. "Once you learn to argue against people instead of killing them as Saddam did, you're on your way. We explained to the university students that they could have different newspapers - and even have different opinions in the same newspapers - and it seemed totally surreal to them. They just couldn't understand it. But when they realised that it really was possible and nobody was going to punish them, they were so excited that they were just obsessed.

"They were in the middle of their exams and supposed to be studying, but they insisted on writing and photocopying a newsletter that they distributed everywhere. They wrote articles on amazing things they could find out about on the internet - philosophy and art and the difference between proportional representation and first-past-the-post! It was the best thing in my life, seeing that," Yasser says.

These are things we all take for granted. We grow up in a free society and learn these skills as children. But the students at those Iraqi universities were all born after Saddam took power, and until the invasion, they never knew anything except his oppression. It was a revelation to them that you could disagree with one another. You could even do it in print!

You could get onto the web; you could read any web site you wanted! You could seek out things you were curious about, and no one would monitor you to see if you were subversive! These things we take for granted. These things are completely new to them.

*********

Things might be going slowly in Iraq, but they are also going much better than the critics would have you believe. I'd really like to thank Stephen for writing this piece, because I never thought of freedom as being a set of acquired skills before, and I really like it when I read something that makes me think a new thought.

I wish he had a tip jar.

LUCKY BEARS FAN

I was all set to rip Matt a new one for dissing the Packers... then it hit me:

1) He wasn't dissing Brett Favre personally, which is all I ever cautioned him about.

2) He's right. As a team, the Pack is sucking like a 12 Hp Hoover. Hell, if they go 8-8 this year, I'll be relieved.

So I have to tweak him for backing the Bears (it's a cheesehead-flatlander thing), but I've got no ammo, so... Oh, wait... I know:

Our quarterback throws better blocks than your quarterback.

HA!

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

"The soul that can speak through the eyes can also kiss with a gaze"

[I added the following]

:-) You give good gaze :-)

LOVE NOTES: INTRODUCTION

On my refrigerator, there's a little plastic novelty magnet in the shape of a mailbox, complete with a little red flag that can be placed in the up or down position. When I first got married, I used to write little love notes to my wife, place them inside, put the flag up & wait for my wife to discover them. She really liked that.

Well, it didn't take long for my creative well to run dry, so I started searching the internet for sweet sayings that actually reflected my feelings. I'd print them out, cut them into little strips, and tuck them into the mailbox. Beloved Wife liked that, too.

After a couple years, I discovered that there are really only a few hundred different ways that I could say "I love you", and I got tired of searching one lame list after another looking for something new. Despite the fact that the internet is nearly infinite, the creativity of its authors is not, and lists of favorite quotes tended to be repetiitve.

My beloved wife, being a bit of a pack rat, kept nearly all those little slips of paper. So, in an effort to remind her that I DO love her, even though I spend so much time on "that damn computer", I'm going to start posting them. After all, I DO still feel "that way" about her, so I might as well tell the world.

If sappy stuff isn't your cup o' tea, you can skip these posts. On the other hand, you may find something that strikes a chord in your own heart. If so, feel free to use them (you don't have to give me credit, since they're not my original work, anyway) or you can e-mail your own beloved with a link and say, "I read this and thought of you".

They'll probably like that.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

FASHION

Today's question comes from the book, "Romantic Questions" page 100:

*************

#3: If you could dress your partner, how would you dress him/her?

*************

un

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

 

Yet another rejected slogan for Clinton's '96 campaign.

HQ ROUND-UP

A collection of filthy lies.

A question on the possible new future direction of the Alliance. Very important. Go look and put your 2 cents in.

A new assignment in honor of Frank's launching of Front Line Voices (which already has some terrific content posted):

What song(s) would you put on the CD, “Music to Whack Terrorists By”?

This assignment is open to non-bloggers as well via the comments, so you blogless lurkers (brother Tom, nephew Mike, dear old friend Kevin, all my former chess club teammates) should feel free to stop by & support the troops.

JOEY NEEDS PSYCHIATRIC HELP

Looks like Joey's alternate personality is... me. (Friday Sept 26 if PAB, scroll down a bit, no title)

note to Joey's mom: smarty-pants needs to meet with the "board of education."

JOEY IS VOTERRIFIC

The Single White Male found out that you don't actually have to be 18 to register to vote, and thus he did so. (Friday Sept 26 if PAB)

HOW TO BE A CHICK MAGNET

America's #1 pin-up girl has some serious advice for guys on how to impress the ladies. Better read it or you'll never wind up in her Dream Harem.

SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU, NOW LET IT GO

American RealPolitik has a quote from a piece from by Denis Boyles that appeared in National Review Online. It draws an interesting analogy:

**********

...I worked as advice columnist for a popular men's magazine. There I discovered that guys really only have two questions: Is it okay to cheat on my wife/girlfriend/cellmate? The answer was always no, of course. The second question: My girlfriend left me. What can I do? The answer to that one was always, "Nothing."

**********

He goes on to compare the US & UN as the metaphorical unhappy couple. It'll take about 45 seconds of your time to read, and it's worth it. If you really enjoy it, there's a link to the entire essay.

TODAY'S HAPPY THOUGHT

Qibbles & Bits brings you Osama in Hell. Oh, this is sweet.

********

The man laughed.

“You don’t get it, do you?” the man asked.

Osama’s eyes narrowed. He lunged at the man. His chains suddenly weighed his wrists and dragged him to the floor. He ankle chains suddenly stretched and Osama found himself stretched taut over a vast crevass. The stench of sulphur and burnt flesh filled his nostrils.

“What is this?!” he screamed, his eyes wide with fright, “Where is my reward!?”

“This is your reward, you damned fool,” the man said. “Eternal pain. Eternal denial of Paradise. Eternal denial of the Glory of God.”

Osama scowled. “I have waged jihad. I have sacrificed to advance the cause of Islam. I am shaheed!”

The man leaned close. Fire lit his eyes from within. He grinned, showing sharp teeth.

“No, Osama. You did not wage Jihad. You murdered. You sacrificed others to a bent version of Islam. You died a criminal, and an enemy, to both living men and to God. To Allah.”

********

Flames & sulfur are just the beginning. The ending it too perfect. Go read, the whole thing.

REAL ESCHER

American Digest has found another one. This time a doghouse built based on the "impossible box" optical illusion.

It's a head-scratcher.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

EITHER/OR

Today's question comes from the book, "Romantic Questions" page 35:

*************

#5 Which are you more afraid of: cancer or impotence?

*************

Well, there's a pleasant thought.

You know, there are some decisions a man simply shouldn't have to make. That's one. Others would include:

Hernias or leprosy

Tetanus or prison sex

Gangrene or a night alone with Michael at the Neverland Ranch

Athlete's foot or dandruff

Paper cuts or unpaid overtime

Listening to any Jesse Jackson speech or having duct tape removed from my very hairy forearm

Shaving cuts or a football in the groin

Holding my wife's purse while she shops or hammering my thumb

Changing a flat on I-90 during rush hour or attending mandatory "sensitivity training"

Eating tofu or wrestling a rabid St. Bernard

Installing a ceiling fan or trying to explain why Monty Python is funny

Being dropped into a pool of pirahna or an Al Gore presidency

Watching a Truth.com commercial or watching Teletubbies

A hornet's nest in my shorts or forgetting my wife's birthday

Having the cat pee on my bed while I'm in it or a vacation in France

Smelling a hippy or listening to a hippy

Clowns or mimes

Watching "Trading Spaces" or watching "While You Were Out"

*************

Feel free to suggest other horrid choices in the comments.

BAD MONEY FAN CURRENCY

Don of Anger Management e-mailed me with a suggestion recently:

**********

Maybe I'm way behind, but how about a Bad Money contest where we bloggers draw crazy stuff on our money, post to to our blogs, and wait...probably a long long time...to see whose money reaches you first.  Even if it didn't work it'd be fun.  Besides, you'd think the chances that some blogger's bad money would reach another blogger have got to be somewhat within the realm of possibility.  Just a thought.

**********

I thought it was interesting, but, given the vagaries of currency circulation, a bit impractical. However, it did make me think of a way for other bloggers to get into the graffiti currency groove, if they want to.

Here's the deal. If you post a picture of graffiti currency on your own blog and send me a permalink via e-mail or in the comments (which get e-mailed to me automatically) I will link to your post. All posts of which I am notified will receive linkage, regardless of quality. If your picture inspires me to caption, you'll recieve credit and linkage in the "Today's Graffiti Currency" post. The blogless are also encouraged to submit their discoveries.

Due to annoying Federal laws against defacing government property, blah, blah, blah, I can't encourage you to CREATE your own graffiti currency, but if you "find" something interesting, let me know.

Latvians and other international readers are also encouraged to participate, as the corrupted currency does not have to be American.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Apparently it was good for George.

THE THONG THING

SUSIE WINS!

Pictures will be forthcoming, yes?

HAREM BOY

WHOO-HOO! Dana wants me in her Fantasy Harem! I haven't been this thrilled and flattered since my wife said "yes" to me about 5 years ago. And *ahem* every other time she's said yes ;-)

So, as a service to America's #1 pin-up girl, I'm going to try give her an image to fantasize over. I've been told that I look like the following people:

Michael Gross (the dad on Family Ties)

Christopher Lloyd (during his "Taxi" years, not his more famous role as Doc Brown in "Back to the Future")

Abraham Lincoln

So basically, 5'10", 160, high forehead (hairline receding, but no bald spot - Rogaine seems to be working so far), dark brown (almost black) hair with some random gray strands coming in at the sides, brown eyes, and neatly trimmed full beard (still all brown).

Hope that helps.

Oh, and of the 3, Michael Gross is damn near a spot-on match. But I have more hair, less gray, and a fuller beard. Still, if I had that pic on my driver's license, I don't think anyone would question it.

BOO HOO HOO

So I talked Don into getting comments, and now he's complaining about how much attention he's getting:

***********

First of all, comments are cool and thanks to all of you who sounded off. I can see how it could get to be overwhelming trying to respond to everyone so I'm telling you guys right now, don't feel slighted if I remain silent. That's Don trying to retain his sanity and maybe utilize some time management skills.

***********

WAAAAAH! People love me and are interested in what I have to say! Why do I have to be so popular? *sniffle*

He talks about the philosophy of sex and gets thirteen comments. I announce the end of World War Blog and get one. The only time I ever broke double digits in comments was when I invited a far more talented writer than myself to do a guest post. Second best was when I let my wife slap me around a little.

Most of the time when I scroll down my home page I see so many 0's & 1's that I think Internet Explorer has started rendering my site in binary.

If it wasn't for the occasional gratuitous (and very much appreciated) bits of "blogger graffiti o' love" [a comment left by a reader just to let you know they stopped by your site] that get left here by some of the strongest, sweetest, prettiest, and smartest women in the blogsphere, I'd have enough zeros to adequately describe the number of times that Communism has actually worked as a form of government.

Ok, now that I'm done being all mean & sarcastic, the point is - yes, all that commentary can really eat up your time. But also yes, it's a very good sign that your writing is having an impact. Cherish that part.

(the comment complaint post is 9/26 "Etc." if PAB, and is not safe for work if your boss can read. The philosophy of sex post is 9/25 "Arthur on Sex", and, ironically, IS safe for work.)

DON'S OTHER HOBBY

In addition to part-time crime fighting, it looks like Don's found other ways to pass the time.

*************

Okay, so as most of you know, by day I work for a small IT government contractor in Northern Virginia. What you may not know is that, by night, I call random girls and pretend to be a drunk ex-boyfriend desperate for a reconciliation.

These conversations are typically short and go something like this:

Me: Hey babe...I know it's been a long time and I know I really screwed things up but I want another chance. Whatever I did, I'm sure I can make it up to you.

Girl: You f[****]d my brother at your bachelor party!

Me: I swear he didn't mean anything to me.

*************

The adventure continues from there. Drink Alert in effect.

(Friday, Sept. 26 "Don: Still a Legend in His Own Mind" if PAB)

ELECTRIC SKIES

Thanks to the Queen of Aesthetics, I found this site devoted to pictures of storms & lighting around Australia.

Very vivid, you can almost smell the ozone. Go look.

TOYS FOR IRAQI KIDS

I don't have kids of my own. Not planning on any either. When I get that paternal urge, I usually borrow a niece or nephew for a day and it fixes me right up.

And I really hate the phrase "do it for the children". Guilt trips are so annoying.

But...

I actually do feel a lot of sympathy for kids living in crappy third world countries. Back in my Navy days, I visited my share of those places, and I have a soft spot for street urchins.

Even the one who tried to sell me coke in Rio.

Anyway, the point is that a military man on the ground in Iraq is collecting toys for Iraqi kids because they have "nothing". Which is probably not true. I'm sure they have some very nice dolls made out of sand & rocks.

But since my beloved wife has a huge stuffed animal collection in need of pruning, I'll be shipping out a box shortly. And the best part is, I'll barely even have to tap into my pile of defaced spending money to make it happen, since the shipping address is an APO, which means domestic postage rates apply.

If you're not a cheap-ass sum'bitch like me, there are plenty of ways listed in the comments to donate cash or new toys for the project, too.

Go take a look and see what you can do "for the children."

NEW BLOG SHOWCASE

Racism is wrong & bad & stupid. *Yawn*

Anyone who doesn't know that, please raise your right hand and say "Heil!".

But I like the King's take on the whole subject. It starts off with a discussion on the few valid applications of sterotyping, progresses logically through the whole matter of how to properly judge people as individuals, and ties in the real-world example of one high school girl's attempt to start a Caucasion Club. It's not clear whether the CC was a serious desire on the student's part or just a stunt to honk off the NAACP while pointing out what a lying scam the whole notion of diversity really is. Either way, the point is well-made. My favorite section of the essay:

***********

I don’t see people as members of a specific race but as individuals. They may have characteristics from the race to which they belong but it plays only a small role in defining who they are. What amazes me is that those who make the most noise about racial prejudice are also those who insist on being identified as a specific race.

***********

Go read the whole thing. (Thurs Sept 18 if permalinks are blogspotted).

BLOWN AWAY

My mind got SERIOUSLY boggled just now. I was checking my referer logs and found this:

http://micro.day.lv/index.php

Check it out, but do it soon, because I couldn't find permalinks, and this will probably scroll off the page in a few days.

Once you get there, scroll down until you see a familiar face.

So, let me see if I got this straight. I was picked up by a Latvian humor blog?

There are many sentences I never thought I would ever write in my entire life. That was one of them. God, my scalp is just tingling with the sheer weirdness of it all.

UPDATE 9-28-03: The original text of the post:

***************

Uzgâju vienu lapu (weblogu) kur viens dþekiòs aiz naukodarît apzîmç naudu. Tur 1 un 5 bankotas dolârus! Nez vai tas ir daudz, bet zçl ka Latvijâ nau tâda dzîve, ka varçtu naudu izmantot kâ zîmçðanas papîru!!

*************

and the comments:

*************

Gints @ 20:22:17 25/9/2003

Ok, mees gaidiisim jauno paveersienu.

AnetiX @ 20:29:55 25/9/2003

We wish you a new style, We wish you a new style, We wish you a new style, And engins include. :) Maz noveeleejums. ;) [RITMS: We wish you a merry cristmas.]

SpokS @ 21:35:36 25/9/2003

man nez kapeec liekas ka "kopistiskajaa" blogaa buutu reaalaak spamot. Vairaak apmekleetaaju utt. Protams, katram gribaas lapaa buut adminam, bet nu.. Un ir veel 1 lieta. zinot no.lv kvalitaati, iespeejami arii db zudumi utt.

micro @ 23:33:22 25/9/2003

Bûs vien jâpiekrît Spokam abos gadîjumos, ka megakrutâk ir rakstît kopçjâ blogâ un arî tas ka katrs vçlâs bût lapas admins! un arî to ka no.lv ir nestabilz! Mna tik radâs viena "pârkûlîga" ideja :: mosh vaºetu sarunâr ar Day.lv lai manu domainu pârmaina no micro.day.lv uz coders.day.lv !!! ko par to Jûs sakat?

SpokS @ 23:58:46 25/9/2003

a varbuut AnetiX pac var ar Zigmaaru sarunaat hostinga vietu ;)

micro @ 00:10:30 26/9/2003

es jau tikai izteicu savu domu. (nau jau jâbïauj)

Little_Hacker @ 00:15:30 26/9/2003

ideja nav slikta.. a mozh sametamies naudu, nopeerkam kasti, domainu iireejam netu ?? :D /me smejas

Gints @ 16:19:51 26/9/2003

Nu bet ja buus coders.day.lv kas tad te buus ??

micro @ 23:17:30 26/9/2003

nu emm te paarcels anteixa coderu lapu!!! ************* So... anyone know Latvian?

WAR WITHOUT END

Looks like Evil Glenn just pissed away his last chance at blogospheric peace.

The. War. Goes. On.

Instapundo Delenda Est!

FOR BLOGGERS ONLY

Dana's got a link to a cartoon that, at least for me, perfectly illustrates that relentless gnawing, irresistable, obsessive-compulsive desire to flame trolls.

And did you know that Dana is America's #1 pin-up girl? She's got proof.

HONOR

I heard that during the recent hurricane, the soldiers guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Soldiers refused to abandon their posts, even though they had official permission to do so.

[insert 21-gun salute here]

Makes me DAMN proud to be a Vet.

THE LAST COMPUTER YOU'LL EVER NEED

I'm dedicating this one to my (currently blogless) brother Tom, who is forever tweaking his computer system.

Dana points out the ultimate full-immersion computer environment. And I'm making you go to her place for the direct link because her site's been sick for almost two weeks and she could really use the traffic.

And all you guys know you want to gawk at her picture anyway, so go ahead & indulge.

THE GERMANS - GOV'T SUCKS, NAVY ROCKS

Via His Imperial Majesty Emperor Misha I, I discovered that, on 9-11-03, a German Naval vessel rendered "extraordinary honors" to the USS Doyle (picture at linked site):

***********

"Military vessels routinely render honors to military ships of other countries when they pass at sea by dipping their flag, as a sign of respect. The German frigate FGS Niedersachsen went above and beyond this normal gesture of respect when it asked to come alongside the USS Doyle on September 11, 2003, the second anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the US. ...

The unexpected gesture touched the US sailors, Vice Admiral Timothy LaFleur described in an unclassified email: “From their main mast they flew our flag and they held their covers over their hearts. Needless to say, the whole crew was choked up and a few tears formed in our eyes. Both ships stayed next to each other in silence for about 5 minutes. These are the days that remind me why I joined the Navy.”"

***********

As former Navy enlisted, I'm well aware of what a pain in the ass it is to arrange to "man the rails" in full dress uniform. This was a phenomenal gesture of respect.

I'm glad I wasn't on the Doyle. My shipmates would never have stopped ragging me for bawling like a baby at the sight.

By the way, you might want to click on the link to Misha's piece. A mono-browed, spelling-impaired troll shows up in the comments, and gets taken apart with a Clue-machete.

Heh. Fun.

DISCOUNT SUPER-HERO

Don of Anger Management explains how he spends his Wednesday nights fighting crime:

*********

What you may not know is that, by night, I dress up like Batman and go around fighting crime. No, seriously.

Now, there are two problems I've encountered in my quest to become the true caped crusader. First, there really isn't all that much crime in Northern VA, so most of the time I just walk around and sucker-punch jaywalkers. Second, I'm not very tough, so when I do find bad guys they usually beat me up and steal my wallet. Which makes me think that maybe I shouldn't take my wallet with me when I'm fighting crime.

But that would lead to a whole other set of problems, like if I got pulled over driving my Bat Mobile without a license. Then the cop would be like, "You can't drive without a license Mr., um, Man." And then I'd be like, "No, it's just 'Batman'. I'm a mononominal, like, you know, 'Cher'."

*********

My favorite line comes somewhere farther down, and I reveal it in the comments at Don's place, if you're curious as to what it is. Drink Alert is in effect.

The post is Thursday, September 25, "Don: A Legend In His Own Mind" if permalinks are blogspotted.

I wonder if he'd consider a partnership with French-Man?

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Heather has the scoop on bosom enhancement. (Wednesday, Sept. 24 "Busted" if PAB)Trouble is, she doesn't put it in terms that non-fitness-enthusiasts can understand. So let me provide a little explanatory linkage for the ladies who'd like to "stand out" in the crowd:

*******

1) Incline chest press
2) Flat chest press
3) Decline chest press
4) Pec flyes

********

Now if only she'd explain more about the whole "avoiding man-boobs" thing...

A NEW LOGO FOR BAD MONEY?

I actually might consider it, if the $ were the man in this gay happy couple.

COOL FACTOR = 11

Ok, brother Tom, looks like you'll be getting that forearm-computer pretty soon.

So says Owen.

Yet another item on my ever-growing list of "gotta-have" toys.

HANDY SEX TIPS

Don at Anger Management explores a few sexual myths. Good readin' here:

*********

Myth #2: Guys give a damn if you have a few extra pounds.

Ladies, I don't know what I can say to help you get this through your heads, but when you undress for a guy he's not comparing you to anyone else, he's not disappointed you don't look like Britney Spears, and he most certainly isn't going to be turned on by you pointing out any of your alleged flaws. Any guy worth sleeping with wants, first and foremost, you to be confident and comfortable with your body. If you go around bitching about having big thighs are a tummy it's not unlikely that that's going to be the first time the guy notices and from then on it's all he'll be able to notice. So don't do it. Don't. Do. It.

*********

4 more where that came from.

(Wednesday, Sept. 24 "More Sex... Please" if PAB)

HEH.

I found this at Right Wing News, and it's just too good not to steal it whole:

************

A squad of Infantrymen drove up the highway between Basra and Baghdad. They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby on the opposite side of the road was an American soldier in a similar state, but he was alert. As first aid was given to both soldiers, they asked what had happened.

The American soldier responded, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier".

"What happened then?" the medic asked.

"I told him Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of shit, and then the Iraqi told me that Tom Daschle, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton were miserable pieces of shit.

"We were shaking hands when the truck hit us."

CLASSICAL MUSIC

I'm a little surprised at the source for this one, but, in retrospect, I suppose I shouldn't be. Mike of Cold Fury explains the difference between Beethoven and Mozart. In the privacy of my own head, I've always thought of them as "The Power and The Glory", respectively, but Mike's metaphors expand on the theme and make everything crystal clear:

*********

Beethoven is a rocket to Mars (the God O’ War planet, by the way, and not for nothing do I make that comment), and Mozart is a finely-tuned Ferrari. Beethoven is all brute strength and power and anger and the sweetness of purest blistering rage, and Mozart is every good thing that God ever made, with all the warmth and achy longing and bittersweet feeling that God intended when he cursed us Men with Women.

*********

He continues with some sexual metaphors which, while crude, are also spot-on accurate. If you've listened to both Beethoven and Mozart in your life (and you have whether you know it or not, since you know the opening notes of Beethoven's Fifth, and you know Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star), you'll probably agree.

MUSICAL MYSTERIES EXPLAINED

Lynn can't remember where she got this from, but I'm glad she blew the dust off it & put it on the virtual mantlepiece:

*********

Understanding Different Styles of Music

I can't remember where I found this. I copied it and saved it over a year ago.

JAZZ - Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.

BLUES - Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.

WORLD MUSIC - A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.

OPERA - People singing when they should be talking.

*********

Six more where that came from. Go read them. And don't forget to drop her a line explaining the whole codpiece & chaps thing.

By the way, Lynn, did anyone offer to help you get comments working yet?

THE QUEEN OF AESTETICS LINKS...

Now this is an amazing find. Leave it to Lynn to discover something like this. It's a central linkage hub for some of the best art sites on the web. And a lot of it actually doesn't suck. Sure, there's a few modern art monstrosities, but there's also plenty of images that, when you look at them, make you feel a sense of awe at the thought that human beings could give form to such visions. It's very picture intensive, so if you're on dial-up, you might want to have a good book handy. Or a Bill Whittle essay open in another window.

Also in the her post is a link to the Circus of Disemboweled Plush Toys. It wasn't impressive to me, personally, because my Border Collie, Bandit, likes nothing better than to lay down with a stuffed animal between her paws, ripping out clump after clump of stuffing and scattering it about the floor. Click the link at see what life is like at my house.

As for the information on porcupine sex habits, well, I'm just gonna write that off as an artistic quirk.

IMPORTANT COLON INFO

Normally I delete spam without a second thought. However, the subject line above made me curious. I looked:

***********

***********

I don't want to die! I'm having my colon removed IMMEDIATELY!

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



As Chomps chased the filthy hippy down the alley, a penny fell out of his raggedy, tie-dyed jeans. This made Chomps very angry... and confused. Should he attack the penny or attack the hippy? Penny... hippy... penny... hippy... which one should he savage? In his dim, doggy mind, Chomps knew the answer:

BOTH.

Two days later, the penny emerged with only superficial chewing damage. The hippy emerged as an undifferentiated brown mass, but at least he smelled better.

SUSIE IN A THONG

Susie's in a contest and the winner gets a thong. If she wins, she might post pictures. Go vote.

SINGLE WHITE MALE TURNS INTO INCREDIBLE HULK

Or at least he picked a green background for his site, which used to be a real whitemare. He's got comments now, and he's looking for website improvement advice. Stop by, say howdy, and give some decorating tips, if you're of a mind to.

INSURANCE VS. THE WELFARE STATE

It's a fairly simple point, but it bears repeating. Insurance is a good thing. Welfare is a bad thing. Virtue Pure explains it all in under 60 seconds.

(Friday September 12 if PAB)

Via CoTV #52.

I WANT TO ASK, BUT...

Elliot has a one-line piece of advice at Curiosity. Part of me wants to know how he acquired this knowledge, part of me doesn't. I'm torn.

(2nd entry under Sat Sept 13, if PAB)

XXX BLACK PEEING PORN

You should've seen the bemused look on my face when I saw that in my Google referrer logs.

Oh well, If that search is gonna find me, I might as well try to move up the rankings. Anything for traffic, I always say.

Are you looking for XXX BLACK PEEING PORN?

Bad Money's got your XXX BLACK PEEING PORN right here! Bad Money's got the hottest XXX BLACK PEEING PORN you've ever seen! Bad Money is the home of the porniest XXX BLACK PEEING PORN ever produced!

Bad Money - supplying your XXX BLACK PEEING PORN needs since 2003.

There, THAT should help.

Cool. Bonfire entry.

UPDATE 9-28-03: YES!

COTV #53

...is up at Pathetic Earthlings. The formatting is especially nice this time around, too. He gives a link to the main page, a link to the entry, and either an excerpt or a summary of the post. VERY well done.

And I have to mention what a class act the host is. Not only did he accept my late entry, treating it just like it was from someone who wasn't a lame-ass slacker, he was also quick to fix the permalink I gave him, because I gave him the WRONG ONE.

Best of all, when I submitted my late entry, I gave this pathetic excuse:

*********

Uh, the dog ate my homework, I ran out of gas, I had a flat tire, and I had... aw never mind. If you can get this in, I'd appreciate it.

*********

And in his reply (yes, he took time to reply, too), he offered me the excuse I wanted to use, but couldn't recall in its entirety:

********

No, I didn't. Honest. I ran out of gas! I had a flat tire! I didn't have
enough money for cab fare! My tux didn't come back from the cleaners! An old
friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an
earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!"

- Jake Blues.

*********

Total. Class.

DANA'S SMILING FACE

...is once again visible in all its cheerful beauty. After wrasslin' for over a week with a balky ISP, you can at least get to her main page now. Expect new posts from Our Lady of Note-It Posts as soon as she irons out a few more "pointing issues". The permalink on my blogroll should be working any day now.

Personally, I find that sacrificing small animals to the Internet Gods is always helpful in these situations.

UPDATE 9-25-03 - 7:15 am: I don't wanna jinx it, but it looks like my blogroll permalink is working now. Post, Dana, post!

THE GLENN REYNOLDS FILTHY LIE-BRARY

Even though recent events may well change the future alignment of the blogosphere, there is still a parting shot to be taken. And despite Glenn's recent good works in supporting America's fight against terrorism, Alliance members deserve to know the set of dark secrets our crack research team has uncovered in the last week. Sadly, due to a rash of suspicious single-car accidents involving numerous bullet holes after the Filthy Lie Song Showcase, far fewer agents were able to file answers to the question of "what is Glenn's favorite book, and why? "

Yet, to honor our many fallen comrades, we must forge bravely ahead to bring you the answers:

Steve of BigRedGiant 

Serenity of Serenity's Journal

Matt of Blackfive

Debbye of Being An American In T.O.

(Sunday, Sept. 21 "Puppy Blender's Favourite Book" if permalinks are blogspotted)

Rajan of RajanR

Susie of Practical Penumbra

Chris of Cool Kid Central

Joey of Single White Male

(Tuesday, Sept. 23 "A Filthy Lie About Glenn Reynolds/Glenn Reynolds' Favorite Book" if PAB)

Heather of Angelweave

(Friday, Sept 19 "Glenn Reynolds Favorite Book" if PAB)

Harvey of Bad Money

Roxette of Hoppings of Roxette Bunny

Although we do not know what the future will bring for the brave Blog Warriors of the Alliance, we can still rest assured that all our battles will be fought with courage and honor.

INSTAPUNDO... something...

AUTHOR'S NOTE: If I missed your post, made a typo, misdirected your link or otherwise failed in my duties, please either leave a comment or send me an e-mail, and I will correct the problem as soon as I finish whacking myself with a stick for being so stupid.

PRESS CONFERENCE

(A FRIENDLY LIE)

After hearing the astonishing news that Frank J. has called for a suspension of hostilities in the Great Blog War of 2003, Glenn Reynolds held a press conference…

Glenn: Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, thank you for coming on such short notice. Today marks an historical occasion that brings to mind the conclusion of the epic battles of the Greek Hoplites in their struggle…

ABC: BOR-ING! If you get anywhere near a point, motor-mouth, send us a telegram.

CBS: Geez, man! Get on with it already!

Glenn: Yes, well, seems that Frank J. called a cease-fire in the Blog War.

[murmurs of reporterish disbelief]

NBC: Uh, what’s a “Blog”?

Glenn: A blog, or weblog, is a publicly accessible online journal that is comprised of short, frequently updated posts.

NBC: Right. And… “War”?

Glenn: A concerted effort or campaign to combat or put an end to something considered injurious.

NBC: Right. No, wait… I thought that was a “quagmire”?

Glenn: Only if it takes place in a former French colonial possession.

New York Times: Ok, so what’s this Blog War thingy all about anyway?

Glenn: Well, a little over a month ago, Frank J. said…

ABC: BOR-ING!

Glenn: Look, you lefty asshats, I gave everyone a copy of the “The Blog War - An Introduction for the Uninitiated”. Didn’t ANYBODY read it?

[*crickets*]

Glenn: Right. I’m gonna go grab a puppy shake. I’ll be back in five. NOW READ!

[assorted reporterly grumbling]

[FIVE MINUTES LATER]

Glenn: So, any questions?

[*crickets*]

Glenn: Did ANYONE read the handout yet?

[assorted foot-shuffling and ground-staring]

Glenn: DAMMIT! Look. I’m gonna go whack me a hobo. When I come back either I get some intelligent discourse, or you’re all Emmett Kelly. Capiche?

[ONE WELL-HAMMERED HOBO LATER]

Glenn: Ok, now did everyone read their handout? [brandishing bloody hammer]

Reporter Chorus: Yes, Mr. Reynolds.

Glenn: Good. Now that you all know how it started, here’s how it finished. Frank J. decided that, rather than mocking me, he would start spending his time showing his support for the troops in Iraq. He hopes to focus blogospheric and other media attention on first-hand reports from the troops who are out fighting the War on Terrorism. Both the good news that the big news organizations are ignoring, and the bad news that normally gets glossed over with a quick headline statistic. Warts and all, he wants to shower our fighting men and women with attention, appreciation and support.

Reuters: And you support Frank J.’s decision?

Glenn: I certainly do. I’ve been saying for months that the best stories of the war are getting ignored by the powers that be. I couldn’t be more thrilled to finally have a good reason to link that monkey-faced, lying sack of … sorry… fine, upstanding, proud American citizen. I’m tickled pink to be able to join with him in supporting our troops.

CNN: So, you support our troops?

Glenn: What?!? Of COURSE I support our troops? I bloody well say so fifty freaking times a day! Don’t any of you read Instapundit?

[*crickets*]

Jiminy: Actually,  I read your site, but I’m just wondering how saying “Indeed” an average of 12 times an hour could be construed as supporting our troops?

Glenn: Well, obviously, if people only have to read a single word of commentary, they have more free time to support Front Line Voices.

MSNBC: So you’re saying Bill Whittle is a terrorist?

Glenn: Exactly.

LA Times: And how does your puppy blending habit support the troops?

Glenn: Good question. In the Middle East, dogs are considered lowly, unclean beasts, so the locals won’t notice if a few million wind up in the bellies of our troops as smooth, creamy, power-shakes. If our brave, uniformed men and women follow the simple recipes in my new book “Puppies for America”, they’ll soon have the energy to splatter terrorists 24-7.

Helen Thomas: I’m cold! What are all you people doing here? Is Reagan still President? Where’s my cat?

Glenn: Shut up, Helen. And for the love of GOD will you PLEASE put some clothes on?

Fox News: Glenn, could you please explain the connection between murdering hobos and ensuring the victory of America’s Armed Forces in their current glorious mission?

Glenn: Happily. Like hobos, terrorists tend to be crazy, rootless wanderers, except with more explosives. By perfecting my hobo-murdering technique and publishing the results in my new book “Hobos for America”, our fearless American fighting forces will be able to kill as many terrorists, and as quickly, with a single hammer as they now can using a MOAB or a nuke.

AP:  Ok, I understand those other items, but how does penguin porn fit into the picture?

Glenn: Hey, for all I do for everyone else, I think I’m ENTITLED to a little quality Glenn-time! You got a problem with that you little hobo-lookin’ SOB?

AP: …no sir…

Glenn: Damn right you don’t. Now, Black Mass starts in a few minutes, so I’ve got time for one more question.

Helen Thomas: What about my cat?

Glenn: Would SOMEONE please get her the hell out of here? Or at LEAST cover her up? Anyway… last question?

Washington Post: Now, I just want to be clear on the main topic here. So… you’re saying the Great Blog War of 2003 is over?

Glenn: n…n…n…n…n…

ABC: What’s he saying?

CBS: His eyes are crossing and uncrossing.

NBC: His face is turning beet red.

New York Times: He’s shaking with such outraged fury that the podium is coming apart in his white-knuckled grip.

Washington Post: I’m sorry Mr. Reynolds, I didn’t quite hear what you said. Is the Blog War over?

Glenn [eyes bulging, spittle flying, bloody hammer waving wildly ]: NOTHING is over! NOTHING! You just don't turn it off! It wasn't my war! You asked me I didn't ask you! And I did what I HAD to do to win, for somebody who wouldn't LET us win! Then I come back to the world, and I see all those MAGGOTS at the airport, protestin' me! Spittin'! Callin' me a puppy blender and all kinds of vile CRAP! Who are they to protest me?! Huh?! Who are they?! Unless they BEEN me and BEEN there and know what the hell they’re yellin' ABOUT!

[chaotic jumble of reportery voices]: AHHHH! Help! He’ll kill us all! Run for your lives! Don’t look at Helen on your way out! Women and minorities first! Fair and Balanced!

[dust settles over the now empty room]

Frank J. [stepping in from stage left]: Wow! Now THAT’S how to end a press conference! Reporters are SO gullible.

Glenn: Heh. Indeed. Hmmm…

Frank J.: Dammit Glenn! Stop that!

Glenn: Hmmm… Indeed. Heh.

Frank J.: I’m warning you, Glenn. One more single-word comment out of you and the Blog War is back on, and I’m not stopping for anything this time until your Est is completely Delended!

Glenn:…

[TO BE CONTINUED?]

UPDATE (9-26-03): The. War. Goes. On.

CONCEPTUAL RE-TOOLING AT HQ

Frank J. has hit upon his best idea ever. He's going to use the power of the blogosphere to shine some more light on what's REALLY going on in Iraq.

I complained about the lack of balanced coverage when I linked to Blackfive's excellent Iraq post a couple days ago. Now Frank is busting his ass to fix the problem. It's a project of tremendous scope and possibilty, and it needs all the help and support it can get. Read his announcement, first update, and second update. Then, if you agree with his goal and can help in any way, let him know.

CRACKLE, CRACKLE, CRACKLE

Kevin has edition #12 of the Bonfire of the Vanities up. The smell is just unearthly.

Be especially careful reading Writing Out Loud's two part entry. I was cringing in sympathetic pain.

NEW BLOG SHOWCASE WINNER ANNOUNCED

Well. First time I voted for a winner since GW Bush. The final results are up at the Bear's place. The Alliance won again this week, even though, as can be seen at HQ, a good number of people got screwed out of getting their votes counted. Apparently the Bear is using some vote-counting equipment he picked up for cheap during his last trip to Florida.

LIGHT READING

(A FILTHY LIE)

When Evil Glenn isn’t teaching classes, he likes to sit quietly in a nearby park, reading. That’s where I found him the other day…

Harv: Hi, Evil Glenn! Whatcha readin’?

Evil Glenn: GAAAH! Don’t sneak up on me like that. Geez! Don’t you ever knock?

Harv: We’re in a public park

Evil Glenn: Uh… knock, or otherwise announce your presence? Anyway, as you can see, I’m reading Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War.” It’s a historical classic that will give me the fighting edge against your feeble Alliance. You’ll NEVER be able to challenge my fearsome blogospheric domination! You are powerless against me! Bow down before the Dark Overlord of cyberspace and BEG FOR MERCY! BWAH-HAH-HAH!!

Harv: Gee, Glenn, if you’d stop channeling Ming the Merciless for a couple seconds, you might notice that your book is upside down.

Evil Glenn: BWAH-HAH… huh? It’s upside… Um… no it’s not! YOU are!

Harv: And what’s this BEHIND “The Art of War?” [snatch!]

Evil Glenn: Hey! Give that back!

Harv: So you’re actually reading Stephen King’s "Different Seasons"?

Evil Glenn: So? I’ve already memorized Black’s Law Dictionary. Can’t a guy enjoy a little light fiction now & then? Where is it written that my whole freaking LIFE just absolutely HAS to be about teaching law & blending puppies?

Harv: Whatever you say, Mr. Doth-protest-too-much, but what’s with this highlighted passage here in the story “Apt Pupil”? “Todd Bowden drove the hammer into the wino’s skull again and again, not stopping until there was nothing left to smash.”

Evil Glenn: Ok, so I find that passage… stimulating. I suppose YOU never highlight YOUR favorite passages? Besides, I like the rest of the book, too.

Harv: All the other pages in the book have been torn out and the non-wino-murdering parts of the text have been scribbled over with a black Sharpie.

Evil Glenn: … Crap. Ok, fine. I was just doing a little research. I’m getting tired of only slaughtering hobos. I’ve been thinking about expanding my targets to include derelicts, stewbums, winos, drifters, transients and ne’er-do-wells. Variety is the spice of murder, I always say.

Harv: You vile, despicable, repulsive, twisted, subhuman monster!

Evil Glenn: Lawyer.

Harv: You sicken me! I’m leaving!

Evil Glenn: Say… before you get out of arm’s reach, tell me something. Are you any relation to Harvey the Hobo? [slowly reaching for hammer]

Harv: AAAAAAAAH!

I fled for my life, narrowly avoiding the deadly swing of the Plumb 16oz Ripping Claw Hammer (with fiberglass handle and non-slip grip, only $16.95 at Home Depot.). I survived to bring this report to the Alliance. Evil Glenn is researching possible new non-hobo murder victims. We must stop him before he kills again!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



When asked why this design was turned down in favor of the more subdued green and peach color scheme, Treasury Secretary John Snow was quoted as saying, "Look, I'm just not secure enough in my manhood to have American currency looking THAT g... uh, festive."

I'M SENSING A LITTLE TENSION

Based on how he titled his post, I'm guessing that David's modem is having... "connectivity issues". His current selections for method of coping with this problem include:

*********

1. Think about bunnies with pancakes on their heads.

2. Remember that you used dial up with no ill effects for three years.

3. Pace and mutter.

*********

and two other things, if you're curious.

WIZBANG'S WEEKLY CAPTION CONTEST WINNERS

You can click the link here to read the winning captions, but you have to click the link there to see the picture being captioned. I have to agree with Kevin's choices. Very witty, all.

But the picture is REALLY not safe for work.

GUN-RELATED QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"If you're not aiming, all you're doing is scaring the wildlife."

You can go visit Jed to find out why he said that. The post is really too short for me to excerpt.

HOLY UNITED NATIONS, BATMAN!

Debbye pointed me to a nice bit explaining why Batman never killed the Joker. (Hint: Batman = U.S. and Robin = U.N.)

Chronic, gasping, drink alert in effect. Some language may not be suitable for work-time viewing (assuming your boss can read).

PIG ATTACK!

Via the Hunting of the Snark, it looks like Romulus has had just about e-f'ing-nuff of mollycoddling terrorist trash. Taking a cue from Gen. Pershing's use of pig parts to make Muslim terrorists in the Philippines feel that their martyrdom was in jeopardy, Rommy goes "whole hog":

************

My own idea involves a very large aircraft of the tanker/sprayer type, an entire fleet of them. Imagine, squadrons of flying tankers, loaded with pig blood, maybe even looking like a pig, spraying, dousing, dumping, spewing, splattering, inundating, and soaking entire areas with pig blood, pig droppings, pig fat, and worse.

************

Go read the whole thing. It paints a beautiful picture.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

Judging by the plumes of smoke, I'm guessing Clinton wasn't the only President who "didn't inhale".

SOME NEWS FROM IRAQ

The old media really pisses me off sometimes. Fortunately I have Matt of Blackfive keeping an eye on the Iraq situation, so I can get some facts that apparently aren't important enough for the big boys to mention. Here's a clip of what's going on in "the quagmire":

***************

· More than 6,000 rebuilding projects have been complete

· Schools, universities and hospitals have opened

· Iraq is transitioning to a representative government: the Iraq Governing Council has selected ministers and a committee has been appointed to draft a constitution.

***************

And yes, there's more. Go check it out.

CALL FOR GEEK HELP

My evil plan is working. In order to stop the horror of my praise-filled hymns, Lynn has broken down her resistance to comments. At least to the point of possibly considering them if someone could find her a comment service or handy bit of code for her hand-coded page, and explain how it would work.

Sadly I am not fluent enough in code-geek to offer her any assistance. So who I gonna call?

Ghostbusters?

Susie?

Kevin?

Jen? (I'll stop calling you a deep cover agent if you can help [sweet smile])

Oh, and please note, Lynn, that I'm putting my name prominently in my sidebar. Twice.

Actually, you're right, that is damned annoying that I don't have it up there. I honestly never even noticed it. I'll see if Radio has a setting that places my name at the bottom of my posts. Thanks for pointing that out.

EVIL GLENN'S PENGUIN PORN - MORE LIES EVIDENCE

 

Having exhausted the financial possibilities of exploiting adult penguins, Evil Glenn turns to the manufacture of penguin "kitty porn".

[with apologies to Ambient Irony]

FINALLY, SOME DECENT POETRY

I hardly ever see poetry I like. Except for this, of course.

But I found another goodie via the Carnival: A poem about 9-11 that's everything poetry OUGHT to be, but almost never is in this sad world of free-form blank verse. It's got meter, AND rhyme AND theme. A scathing indictment of Islamic extremists that's a pleasure to read.

Enjoy.

GOD USES SPAM TO ANSWER YOUR PRAYERS

Don at Anger Management has been wondering if all that spam has a hidden message. It's a short musing, so it's hard to excerpt without giving it all away, but here's a touch:

**********

I have a theory, which I hope is not true -- it keeps me up at night wondering if perhaps I'm the least self-aware person on earth. I pray I'm wrong but it's occurred to me that perhaps spam is God's way of revealing truths that we'd rather not face.

"Are you ready for wild gay sex!?" I don't think so. But what if I'm wrong?

**********

Don, if you're listening, and not too busy with the serious writing, I'd LOVE to hear more on this topic.

And will you please stop over at enetation and get comments so that I can tell you right away that I damn near sprayed my monitor when I read this bit, instead of having to wait half a week? It's free, and they just upgraded their server.

Lynn, I'm looking at you, too. Except mostly it's to sing hymns of praise for analysis so insightful that I can only stand and look on in awe.

Here's my latest hymn:

Lynn, Lynn, Lynn,

Has no comments, it's a sin

She's just as good as Steve

Musical wisdom up her sleeve.

Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, Lynn.

I call it "Ode to Lynn", and there's more where that came from, which I will threaten to print unless you get comments.

CAREER DAY

I admit it, there are some days when I don't like my job. Cranky customers, people who don't know their account numbers, idiots who think it's MY fault that they're too stupid to balance their checkbook once a month and that it's consequently MY fault that they're overdrawn by $500 or so. GRRRR!

But I stopped over to Lynn's place, and she pointed me to this bit in Popular Science listing 18 of the worst jobs in science. For example:

***********

FLATUS ODOR JUDGE

DYSENTERY STOOL-SAMPLE ANALYZER

BARNYARD MASTURBATOR

***********

Ok, perspective regained. I love my job again.

RIGHT WING NEWS - INTERVIEW WITH MILTON FRIEDMAN

I have NO idea how John manages to get these people on the phone, but now he's spent quality time with one of America's greatest economists.

"Economics? That's BORING. Stupid supply & demand curve. What-EVER"

Agreed. Your economics teacher was a dry, witless idiot. Believe me, I can relate & symphathize. But he never said stuff to make you pay attention in class like this:

************

John Hawkins: Let me ask you about this -- what do you say to people who claim that free trade will eventually lead to high unemployment in the US as large numbers of jobs move to cheaper labor markets overseas?

Milton Friedman: Well, they only consider half of the problem. If you move jobs overseas, it creates incomes and dollars overseas. What do they do with that dollar income? Sooner or later it will be used to purchase US goods and that produces jobs in the United States.

In fact, all of the progress that the US has made over the last couple of centuries has come from unemployment. It has come from figuring out how to produce more goods with fewer workers, thereby releasing labor to be more productive in other areas. It has never come about through permanent unemployment, but temporary unemployment, in the process of shifting people from one area to another.

When the United States was formed in 1776, it took 19 people on the farm to produce enough food for 20 people. So most of the people had to spend their time and efforts on growing food. Today, it's down to 1% or 2% to produce that food. Now just consider the vast amount of supposed unemployment that was produced by that. But there wasn't really any unemployment produced. What happened was that people who had formerly been tied up working in agriculture were freed by technological developments and improvements to do something else. That enabled us to have a better standard of living and a more extensive range of products.

The same thing is happening around the world. China has been growing very rapidly in recent years. That's because they shifted from a very inefficient method of agricultural production to something that comes close to the equivalent of private ownership of the land and agriculture. As a result, they've been able to produce a lot more with many fewer workers and that has released workers who have come into the cities and have been able to work in industry and other areas and China has been having a very rapid increase in income.

************

This man is a tall, cool glass of refreshing common sense. Enjoy.

WHAT IF...?

Via Heather, a hypothetical question at Free Will:

************

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

************

He gives the Liberal, Conservative, and Texan answers, all of which are priceless, and accurate as far as I know, but I'm not positive about the Texan answer.

Jed, can I get confirmation on this?

Lynn?

WRITE BETTER NIGERIAN SCAM E-MAILS

Ever get Nigerian scam e-mails? Have you ever mocked them for being so annoying and poorly written? Did you know they actually worked long and hard to perfect their writing style? It's not broken English, it's good marketing.

Via Heather of Angelweaving, comes this post revealing the events of the Third Annual Nigerian E-mail Conference. Excerpt:

***************

***************

Plenty more where that came from.

ATTENTION COFFEE LOVERS

J, over at Quibbles & Bits, recently lost his espresso machine in an unfortunate brewing accident. Stop by, pay your respects, and give your coffee pot an extra hug today.

I'D LIKE TO THANK...

The Emperor for giving me my third Mishalanche in a week. If I had my unborn blog-son's talent, I'd be getting these every day. Go here to find out what kind of writing it takes to acquire the power to bestow 'lanches.

Frank J. does his part to overinflate _Jon's ego with a Frankenlanche. All right, Frank, prepare to be devastated by the awsome power of a Moneylanche as I tell people there's a drink alert in effect for your post on Fun Facts About Pirates. An excerpt:

**************

* Pirates operate by boarding your ship, killing everyone on board, and stealing your treasure. So, if pirates ask to board, tell them no.

* You may be able to avoid getting attacked by pirates if you drape a sign over the side of your vessel reading, "Radio Broken".

* If you are captured by pirates, fight back by throwing all their oranges overboard. Now they'll all get scurvy - whatever the f--k that is.

*************

Kate over at Electric Venom for hostessing edition #6 of the Hunting of the Snark. A delightful compendium of the grouchiest, surliest, snarliest posts in the blogosphere. Turns out you actually have to hunt the snark, too. Kinda fun, actually. The only problem is that there were 22 entries, and between fingers, toes, and being a guy, I can only get to 21, so I think I may have missed something.

and finally, Silflay Hraka for hosting the 1 year anniversary edition of the Carnival of the Vanities. Loads of goodies in that one, and I'll mention a few tomorrow.

WELL LOOKY HERE

I'm starting to hate Radio blog software less these days. Part of it is that I'm up the learning curve, and I've figured out how to do most of the important basic template tweaks.

Another reason for increased contentment is that, a few days ago, for absolutely no reason that I can fathom, I started getting all the new comments e-mailed to me. I didn't do anything, it just... happened. And it's the coolest thing ever. I'd been toying with the idea of getting Movable Type for this feature alone.

One feature that Radio doesn't have is site search. I'm getting to the point now where I'm having a hard time remembering where the hell I put an old post that I'd like to make reference to (there's over 400 of them). But, in an uncharacteristic bit of Radio bloggery good luck, the crappy Radio Uselessland Discussion Board Archives came through for me, big time, where Jinn showed me how to slap a little code in the sidebar and get a Google Search feature.

HOORAY!

Wait, it's still the 19th... so:

ARRR!

Now if only I could get my pinger working. I can receive trackbacks, but I'm still unable to send. In theory, once I turn the Trackback feature on in the options, it's supposed to automatically ping any site that I link to in the course of a post, and also allow me to ping manually as well.

Feh. No dice.

I found someone in the RUDBA with the exact same problem, and they couldn't help her, so I'm just shrugging on this one. Maybe it'll just magically start working like the comment e-mailing. Who knows?

But I've got e-mailed comments & a site search now, so who cares?

ARRR!

EVIL GLENN'S UNREFUSABLE OFFER

Glenn Reynolds leaves a "message" in Frank J's bed as the Blog War takes an ugly turn.

[with apologies to Mookie]

BLOG SON'S AT IT AGAIN

It's not a blood-curdling war-cry like last time, but now _Jon's showing that he can even do a blogger-packing-peanut filler post well. In the comments to this post on a "sniper smiley", he gave the following instructions for viewing an even wilder assortment of emoticons:

************

Well.... Not to be the kind to trump or anything.... but. Go here: http://thenewterror.com/phpbb/viewforum.php?f=27 Click "New Topic", then click "View More Emoticons". We've chosen some 'funny' ones. (Oh, not suitable for family viewing.) :)

************

See that? Explicit instructions AND he was even thoughtful enough to give a "not safe for work" warning. His blog is going to be a place of great beauty and wonder.

Anyway, when you're at home (or your boss is at lunch), take a peek. Just be prepared for a little bad language & cartoon violence.

SIDE NOTE: He also explained to me that the "_" in front of Jon serves the dual purpose of differentiating him from all the other Jons out there, and also, being a non-alphabetic character, moving him to the top of alphabetical listings. Crafty little devil, he is.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

Myth: Franklin Delano Roosevelt died of natural causes.

Fact: Roosevelt's fatal cerebral hemorrhage was actually caused by a time-travelling witch-doctor's voodoo curse.

404 - DANA NOT FOUND

Oh Dana of Note-It Posts, wherefore art thou? My permalink is broken, and I've tried Google, Technorati, and the Ecosystem, but to no avail. I can't find you anywhere. I had my virtual raincoat & binoculars ready, all set to start peeping into your cyber-window, and now you're nowhere to be found.

Have you banned my IP?

Should I be expecting a restraining order soon?

*SIGH* :-(

BOOTS & SABERS: HOW TO GET TRAFFIC WITH A FILLER POST

Sniper Smiley.

Heh.

CREDIT WHERE IT'S DUE

Because I believe that even the most misguided minion of the Axis can be redeemed with enough love, links, and attention, I'm going to give a link to Jen.

That, and it's some excellent photoshopping of Frank J. and Evil Glenn.

Oh, and I felt kinda guilty about that Deep Cover Agent link in the New Assignment post at HQ, too.

Anyway, now that I've made nice, maybe that little angel on my right shoulder can PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP!

NEW BLOG SHOWCASE

My 2 favorites this week:

Forgotten Fronts with Kill the Imam. Ed is a little shy about his identity, but I like his style. Good attention-getting news item (that I hadn't heard of), nice little bait-n-switch to make his point, a little hammering on the point to make sure it sticks, and that's it. Short simple, and no longer than it needs to be.

Ilyka Damen with A Happy Epiphany. This one is longer, but again, no longer than it needs to be. She analyses the problem, then gets right to the heart of it - by slicing off logical, bloody chunks from a hypothetical idiotarian asshat with surgical precision until the heart is exposed. The heart is then boiled with a touch of garlic and nailed to a fencepost for the crows to pick at. Excellent work.

YARRRRRR!

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day, everyone!

SAYS HIM

Matt over at Blackfive claims that I encouraged him in blogging.

Like hell.

First thing I ever said about him was that he talked too damn much.

After that, I just told him that if he was going to keep on with his endless(ly entertaing) yapping, he should at least have the courtesy to do it someplace where the permalinks actually worked.

Which he did.

So if you call that encouragement, then I'm guilty as charged.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Currency fits. Period.

ALLIANCE HQ ROUND-UP

The Glenn Reynolds Filthy Lie Song Showcase is up. Effort levels vary, but there are some strong and random drink alerts in effect as you make your way down the list. If you spot a good one, tag their comment section.

There's also a comprehensive list of duties, responsibilities, and rewards for Alliance members.

And an update to the Introduction for the Uninitiated, wherein is stated Alliance policy regarding people who point out that our Latin sucks, that it should be "Instapundo Esse Delendum", blah, blah, blah.

WAITING TO BE BORN

You met Jon before in the form of a short poem in this post. I was so impressed, I encouraged him to get a blog to share his talent with the world.

Well, it's not quite ready yet, but he pointed me to a taste of what you're in for when he does fire up his blog, and he gave me permission to post it.

Background: Over at thenewterror.com, there's a discussion forum. Someone posted a nice story about how some Marines coming home from the Iraq War boarded a plane to cheers, applause, hugs and kisses. A pleasant piece making a point of how Americans should be proud of their armed forces and be grateful for their sacrifices.

Then the troll showed up and posted this:

************

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT: BARF!
IT NEVER SEIZES TO AMAZE ME HOW FULL OF IT AMERICANS CAN BE, SORRY, FORGIVE ME, I MEAN NO DISRESPECT FOR THE ARMED FORCES OR THE MEN AND WOMEN THAT TRIED THERE VERY BEST ON AND SINCE 9-11, BUT THE HYPOCRIT ACT OF THE US BEING THE SUPERFUNKYMASTERS OF THE WORLD MAKES ME LOOSE BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER. LIKE THE US IS PERFECT AND EVERYTHING ELSE SHOULD BE SHAPPED IN THEIR IMAGE, CAN'T WAIT TILL NEXT ELLECTION TO SEE WHAT JOKER WILL RUN THE LOONYFARM NEXT.

JUST AN UNASKED AND MOST LIKELY UNWANTED OPINION, BUT THE HIGHER UP THE HORSE YOU ARE, THE HARDER YOU FALL.

AGAIN, WITH NO DISRESPECT,
EZ

****************

This worthless worm-meat was begging for a clue-bat enema. Jon obliged him with one of the best anti-idiotarian skull-smashings I've seen outside of Misha's Imperial Palace:

**************

I will take no disrepect regarding what you've written here, if you will not feel disrespected regarding what I write here. If, somewhere during your reading of this, you are disrespected, then should consider me disrespected

First, your entire post is intended to disrespect. As any NOOBIE knows, using all CAPITAL LETTERS is the same as YELLING at the person reading. That is considered by many to be rude and offensive. But that doesn't disrespect me.

Second, it is ironic that the very medium you use to convey your message WAS INVENTED by the people you speak of. The ability for you to voice your opinion as you do WOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE if it were not for the hard work of the people you deride. And if it was run by "your people", you wouldn't even be able to speak your opinions. But that doesn't disrespect me.


And let's get something straight - when you say "AMERICANS" - you mean ME buddy. I'm an AMERICAN. The government of this land is not some elite cartel of snobs I've never elected. This country is governed by people I put there. They do MY BIDDING. So if you have a problem with how AMERICA does something - you have a problem with ME - personally - and with ALL AMERICANS.


Now. Regarding us being the "SUPERFUNKYMASTERS OF THE WORLD" - yeah we are - we earned it! We didn't require 3 month vacations, 30 hour work weeks, and extreme protectionist labor laws. Historically, the residents of this country are the ones who wanted to become the SUPERFUNKYMASTERS OF THE WORLD - and we DID. My ancestors LEFT the little stink-hole you wallow in because IT SUCKED for them. They busted their asses to make a better life for them and for me. And that's what I'M doing. What are you doing? Sitting on your under-worked, under-paid, under-achieving ass - swallowing every lying, distorted, slanted report Reuters chooses to feed you. Tell you what, why don't you start your day here: www.instapundit.com, then follow ANY link you want from there. When you've read all you want, THEN go read your local news and see if what you are being fed is what's REAL, or is contrived. WAKE UP! Your life is closer to George Orwell's 1984 than mine. And that's double plus bad.

A final point on AMERICA being the SUPERFUNKYMASTERS OF THE WORLD; We are the #1 economic country in the world. No doubt about it. A comparison of the economic output of the G8 - which is the top 8 economic producing countries OF THE WORLD - rates the US as #1. Even more than that, the US produces more economically than the other 7 countries combined. Please see the above paragraph for how we got that way. Capitalism is what made this happen. Not Communism. Not Socialism. Not Left-Wing Liberals. Not Hippies. Hard Work. Equal Opportunity - not Equal Results.


No, the US is not perfect. As it is made up of humans, it cannot be perfect. But we are not working toward perfection - just better. Better lives, better health, better water, better air, better cars, better boobs, better orgasms, better computers, a better society - a better future. We compete - we improve - we WORK. Should everything happen in the US' image? Hell YES! WHY NOT? Look what we did after Sputnik! Bring the next competitor on! We're getting bored over here.


Regaring a 'JOKER' running the 'LOONYFARM'. Boy - those are fightin' words. Let me give you a little lesson in US Governing here. WE choose who represents us. We choose Senators, and Congresspeople, and a President - and they agree on Judges. When you call the leader of this nation - of these people - a 'JOKER' - you imply that the people are jokers. When you call this country a 'LOONYFARM' - you infer that all the people are loony. How - please explain - is this NOT SUPPOSED TO DISREPECT ME? Which part of "Hey, you are crazy, and they guy who speaks for you is an idiot!" is NOT SUPPOSED TO DISREPECT ME? But I'm not disrepected.

And, finally, the implied "doom prognostication" of "... HIGHER YOU ARE, THE HARDER YOU FALL ...". Oh ppplease. Spare me. But, rather than look at me, and my country - let's look at you. What if this "dream" of yours came true? What if the US did fall? Well, I presume you mean economically, because there is no other way for us to fall, really. So, given that, how would this effect you? Well, for starters, the Internet would be a lot smaller. Moore's Law would probably be proven false, which means your next computer - oops, you wouldn't have a next computer. You'd probably be a bit hungrier, because as the #1 exporter of food in the world, other countries would no doubt be a little short on the 'generosity' area. You'd probably be a little colder and darker too, as most of the oil production and refining is done by US technology and personell. What - you don't think the "Rich Arabs" pump their own oil, do you? Oh ppplease. They consider it beneath them to pump their own gas. Also, there is a concept in Supply Management called Logistics. Do you think that all of the goods traveling around the world would get to where they need to be - when they are needed - before they spoil - without US Satellites and technology? Do you think that latest computer game would make it to your local store (from the US company that wrote it) without DHL dropping it on time? Oh ppplease. So - be careful what you wish for Junior. You probably won't like what you get.


Personally, I have no problem with you sharing your opinion. However, I'd appreciate it if it didn't come out of your ass.

Oh - and I'm not disrepected - unless you are.
_________________
I understand a lot more now than I ever did before.

***************

I get tingly all over reading this.

Give Jon some applause and encouragement in the comments, please.

ABOUT THE LINK MADAM

Susie exposes all her darkest secrets in this post.

Ok, not so dark, but it's still good reading.

And I can't help noticing that in a post that's supposed to be all about her, she spends half of the time talking about the other people in her life. Which is just the kind of person Susie is: thoughtful, kind, sweet and considerate.

She also called me the second funniest blogger she knows. I can't stop blushing.

And to think the first thing I did when I met her was make fun of how pink her site was. Aw, Susie, I'm sorry. You can pink for me anytime.

Wait... did that sound dirty? Nevermind.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



So, George, how many times do you have to punch a socialist to keep him from turning into a commie?

JOEY'S GOT IT GOIN' ON

Heh. I've just been over to Single White Male. Joey did some photoshopping on Michael Moore. Sweet!

And he also took a bunch of old lawyer jokes and substituted the word liberal. For some odd reason, I find they work even better this way.

(Blogspot just blogspotted on me, so I can't give a useless permalink to that one. Just scroll north of Moore's pic)

BITCH SLAP!

After endless days of waiting, Dana, of Note-it Posts, has come through for me and taken the time to place in the comments to this post the answer to the burning question: What is a "bitch-slap?":

**************

In a bitch-slap, the bitch is the "slap-ee", and not the "slapper". It's a nod to the role between a prostitute and her pimp. When the hooker gets out of line, she's liable to a double slap (palm across one cheek, backhand across the other), whilst being told to "Shut up, bitch!" Hence, the bitchslap.

**************

Thanks, Dana!

I wanted to give her some gratuituous linkage in this post so you all could see what a great site she has, but her server seems to be having some "connectivity issues" right now. That's ok. She's on the blogroll, so I'll find something soon enough.

If nothing else, stop by to gawk at her picture on the top of her blog. She's got a really pretty smile :-)

Now, if only someone could tell me what the hell Axl Rose meant by "bitch slap rappin'"...

THE MAN IN BLACK: AN EVEN BETTER TRIBUTE

I recently said I found a good obituary for Johnny Cash. Yes I did. That one, however, was mostly about honoring the man. Lynn, at Reflections in d minor, takes it up a level and honors how the man makes her feel.

Once again, Lynn puts into words what I would, if only I could sort out my fuzzy thoughts. That lady is a treasure.

Click on over.

DANCING FOOL

(A FILTHY LIE)

A long time ago, Frank posted a filthy lie that Evil White Glenn was a commie who does the Robot Dance.  I noticed Evil Glenn never talked about this, which made me very suspicious, so I called him about it...

Harv: So, Evil Glenn, is it true that you're a commie?

Evil Glenn: Oh yeah. Stalin's my hero. He oppressed millions of people for years. Currently I'm only oppressing about 74,488 per day, but it all adds up.

Harv: Any other heroes?

Evil Glenn: Howard Dean's ok. Even though he's only a socialist right now, I expect Presidential power would soon corrupt him into tearing up the Constitution and declaring himself absolute Commie dictator. That would be SO cool! I just hope Frank J. doesn't start punching him before that can happen.

Harv: I see. So what about the Robot Dance thing.

Evil Glenn: Not entirely true. It's really just a side effect.

Harv: Side effect?

Evil Glenn: From the spiders.

Harv: ...Spiders?

Evil Glenn: Yeah. I enjoy putting spiders in my underwear.

Harv: Geez, man. You've GOTTA stop watching Fear Factor.

Evil Glenn: You don't know what you're missing. I stuff a handful of spiders in my Jockeys and then all those tiny little legs start tickling my nether regions... WHOOO-HOOO! Stimulating!

Harv: Uh, yeah... but don't they, well, you know, bite, uh... sensitive areas?

Evil Glenn: Sure they do. And it makes my crotch swell up like a kielbasa. Afterwards, I hit the disco and do some Robot Dancing. I tell ya, the ladies just can't stop gawking at my loins.

Harv: So you're at the disco now?

Evil Glenn: Sure am! And... oh crap, they're playing Copacabana. I have to go obey my subliminal implants and blend a puppy. Oppress you later! [click]

Harv: Vile subhuman scumbag!

[RING RING]

Harv: Hello?

Evil Glenn: Lawyer. [click]

Harv: ARRRGGHHH!

So, yes, Evil Glenn is a communist, and he DOES do the Robot Dance, but only because he puts spiders in his underwear. Save the spiders!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

IF A FIRE STARTS TO BURN, THERE'S A LESSON YOU MUST LEARN,

SOMETHING, SOMETHING, AND YOU'LL SEE,

YOU'LL AVOID CATASTROPHE!

So, over at Wizbang, Kevin has yet another craptacular edition of the Bonfire of the Vanities (#11 - will the horror NEVER end?)

Sure, the entries range from pathetic to extremely pathetic, but Kevin has some of the best intros to these monstrosities that you'll ever read. You gotta read 'em to believe 'em.

He's like Ed Sullivan, except less dead, and with all the kind thoughfulness of a French waiter.

As a side note, I think QandO should be disqualified for not sucking enough, but that's just my opinion.

(Friday, Sept. 5, "Shlock Shock" if PAB)

MISHALANCE!

The Good Emperor was kind enough to give me a double-shot of gracious linkage. He is too kind.

If for some reason you didn't come here from there, then go there, and see the glory of his wrath, as well as his... softer side.

THE ALLIANCE ROCKS

After lagging behind by a hideous margin on Sunday, the Alliance kicked some nasty Axis ass to win sponsorship of the New Blog Showcase. A BIG  standing ovation to Romulus for his lighting fast result posting and heavy reward-linking of the voters.

SEE, I TOLD YOU SO

<smug>Heh. I love it when I'm right. Let me quote me from Friday:

$$$$$$$$$$

Can he [Glenn Reynolds] actually make up a fake Glenn Reynolds quote? I mean, technically, every quote he tries to make up for himself will actually have been said by him, and therefore not be fake.

$$$$$$$$$$

Frank J., who's back from vacation feeling fresh & ready to beat the bloggery snot out of Evil Glenn, gives the obvious answer at HQ:

$$$$$$$$$$

First off, White Glenn cannot join the Alliance. The simple reason is that, as part of the Alliance, he needs a false quote praising his site attributed to Glenn Reynolds. White Glenn cannot write any false quotes attributed to himself since, as soon as he writes it, it will be a true quote of his. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.

$$$$$$$$$$

Great minds etc.</smug>

LINCOLN ON 9-11

Yes, this post is late, but yes, American Digest's post is excellent. He rewrites the Gettysburg Address ever so slightly to make it appropriate for a 9-11 memorial:

****************

Two years ago our enemies brought to us on this continent a new war, conceived in hatred and dedicated to the proposition that all Americans are to be slaughtered because they are Americans.

Now we are engaged in a great global war, testing whether this nation or any nation so attacked can long find the courage to endure the duties and sacrifices necessary for victory.

We are met on our first mass grave of that war. We have come to remember it as a final resting-place for those who here were murdered in our airplanes, at their desks, or trying to save others. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground.

Our fellow citizens, living and dead, who struggled here and in the war since that day have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract.

******************

The other half is over here.

TAX CUTS FOR DINNER

Over at All-Encompassingly, I found an simple and amusing explanation of how tax cuts work:

**********

Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.

Suppose that every day 10 men go out to dinner.

The bill for all ten comes to $100.

If it was paid the way we pay our taxes, the first four men would pay nothing; the fifth would pay $1; the sixth would pay $3; the seventh would pay $7; the eighth would pay $12; the ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement until the owner threw them a curve.

“Since you are all good customers,” he said, “I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20".

Now dinner for 10 only costs $80. The first four are unaffected. They still eat for free.

Can you figure out how to divvy up the $20 savings among the remaining six so that everyone gets his fair share?

****************

For the answer, go thither.

LYING 101

Debbye mentioned to me in a recent e-mail that lying about Evil Glenn can be quite difficult. I figure she's not the only chronically honest person out there, so I thought I'd try to give a few pointers.

Now, I'm not a professional liar (I dropped out of Law School in my second year), but I've given the matter some thought.

First, Heather gives a good description of the general technique in the comments to one of Susie's posts:

"Stream of consciousness, Susie. All it takes - be obnoxious, and then make the obnoxious more obnoxious, and then spin a tale"

That's the right attitude, but more specifically, the trick is this: Think of things you currently consider weird, bizarre, freakish, abnormal, creepy, discomforting, stupid, offensive, or just plain wrong. Once you have this something in mind, tie it to Evil Glenn. Have him enjoy this bad thing, and write about the resulting mental picture. Free your imagination and make it as unrealistic as possible.

Take Frank's 2 best lies, for example:

Hurting puppies is bad. Glenn enjoys it. The twist is that he blends them and drinks them, too.

Killing people is wrong. Glenn enjoys it. The twist is that he murders hobos, who are already helpless, sympathetic characters who are down on their luck.

Last night I thought about something that creeps me out: spiders. Glenn enjoys them. The twist is that he... Well, I'll be posting that later.

Hope this helps.

UPDATE: the spider lie is here.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

 

"Of course I wasn't out with another woman last night. See? This bill doesn't say "that filthy whore's apartment", now does it?"

ALLIANCE ASSIGNMENT: GLENN REYNOLDS' FAVORITE SONG

Sure, I talk to the Instablender once in a while, but it's not like we're friends. So how would I know what his favorite song is? Although a couple days ago, I was walking by his house. Evil Glenn was out digging in his yard, shoveling dirt next to a six foot long black plastic bag like usual, and I could hear him singing.

I recognized the tune as being "I'm Looking Over A Four Leaf Clover", but the lyrics didn't seem right. I crept a little closer, keeping low and hiding behind a hedge, and I finally made them out.

It was horrifying.

Thinking fast, I took out my HP Jornada and recorded his repulsive words.

The MP3 was really lousy quality, so I'm not going to post the recording. But I did manage to transcribe the lyrics. After a little Googling, I found out that it's a fairly popular song amongst puppy blenders. The sickening lyrics can be found here.

BIRTHDAY

I'm 37 now. I feel so... different.

My non-monetary wish list is here.

And remember Jen, too.

(A FILTHY LIE)

I was up in Green Bay, Wisconsin recently to catch a Packer game, and as part of the tailgating festivities, I strolled past the Brown County Mental Health Center because I find the chronically insane to be a source of endless amusement. Well, there was one guy walking around with a size 14 Army boot on his head, and I just had to find out what was going on...

Harv: Hey! Loony guy wearing a boot on his head! What's your psychosis?

Loony: I want to be elected Emperor.

Harv: Not really an elective office, as I'm sure Misha will attest, but I'll bite. What's your platform?

Loony: If elected, I promise to make Wonder-Bras the new official currency.

Harv: And if you lose?

Loony: Then I'll nuke France until it smells better.

Harv: Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

Loony: Also... Oh look! A puppy! Excuse me... Com'ere fuzz-butt. You've got a date with my Ronco Pocket Blender [WHIRRRR! *YIP!YIP!YIP!*gurgle*] [chug, chug] Ahhhhh! Better.

Harv: Hey! You're Evil Glenn!

Evil Glenn: And you're not as dumb as you look.

Harv: You monster! What are you doing in Green Bay?

Evil Glenn: Well, I tell ya. I'm lookin' to make some money. Penguin porn sales are down, Deal-A-Meal has just tanked since the resurgence of the Atkins Diet, and my "Myocardially Infarcting to the Oldies" video just isn't catching on. Marketing blames the high mortality rate, but personally, I blame the Beach Boys.

Harv: So, what's your new evil get-rich-quick scheme?

Evil Glenn: Well, Wisconsin is the sports-gambling capital of the world, so I'm going to rig a few games, place some heavy bets, and really clean up.

Harv: You're going to kneecap Brett Favre?

Evil Glenn: Football's too small-time to make the serious Benjamins. Think bigger.

Harv: Cow tipping?

Evil Glenn: Drunken frat-boy pranks aren't wagerable.

Harv: Good point. But according to my copy of "Stuck in Wisconsin? Alternatives to Suicide for Dummies", the Packers are the only item of interest in this state. Except for maybe Jeffrey Dahmer's apartment. What the hell are you going to gamble on?

Evil Glenn: Tiddlywinks.

Harv: Tiddlywinks is bigger than football? Bullshit!

Evil Glenn: Lawyer

Harv: Touché

Evil Glenn: It's a simple plan, really. Grease the right palms, and they'll boondock on a tiddle in the final round with no-one the wiser.

Harv: Well, that sounds diabolically clever enough, but you're broke. What are you going to use for bribe money?

Evil Glenn: Naked pictures of Britney Spears.

Harv: Get real, dumbass. That's just an urban legend. Those pictures don't really exist.

Evil Glenn: True, but PhotoShop does, and tiddlywinkers are notoriously stupid.

Harv: You evil, lying, conniving bastard!

Evil Glenn: Lawyer.

Harv: Again, touché. But you'll never get away with this. You'll be spotted and turned in. Your picture is all over the internet. Everyone knows what you look like.

Evil Glenn: Doesn't matter. I'm keeping a low profile.

Harv: Low profile? Before I stopped to talk to you, you were screaming your fool head off about mind control lasers from outer space. That's supposed to make people ignore you?

Evil Glenn: It worked for Kucinich, didn't it?

Harv: True, but irrelevant. I'll stop you myself, you sick, twisted...

Evil Glenn: Hey, look, it's Britney Spears, and she's stark naked!

Harv: Oh boy! Where?

Evil Glenn: Sucker! [FWING!]

Harv: Hey, that's not Brittany Spears, it's Helen Thomas. Oh GOD! MY EYES!

... Wait. Where did Evil Glenn go? DAMN! I've gotta warn HQ... and in the name of humanity, Helen, put some FREAKING clothes on!

Glenn's evil knows no bounds. Now he's rigging tiddlywink tournaments to make money in a corrupt gambling scheme. This MUST BE STOPPED!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

THE POLITICS OF PUPPY BLENDING

First, I find out via HQ that Evil White Glenn might actually be blending puppies in Canada, in his disguise as Liberal Party leader Dalton McGinty, then I was casually surfing Sasha's blog, which pointed me to this article, which discusses a new policy regarding dogs in Phnom Penh, Cambodia:

**************

City governor Kep Chuktema says it is now time to draw up a special pooch policy to control the growing problem of pavement-fouling strays, and for city-dwellers to throw off their traditional snootiness toward dining on man's best friend.

"Come on, dog meat is so delicious," he was quoted as saying in Thursday's Cambodia Daily newspaper. "The Vietnamese and Koreans love to eat dog meat."

"(Cambodians) don't have wine, but poor people can enjoy their dog meat with palm juice wine," he said.

**************

So, apparently The Blendmaster is holding several elective offices worldwide and is using his political leverage to encourage dog consumption.

The frightening part of this stems from what Debbye mentioned in her Canadian piece:

*************

But he [McGinty] added with a laugh: ''I love kittens, and I like puppies too. I have eaten calf, I'll admit to that.''

He admitted it! He only left out the recipe and that he uses a blender to achieve a smoother taste!

*************

Well, Deb, he's now given us the recipe:

1 puppy

1 glass palm juice wine

and left us to infer the instructions:

blend until smooth, serve warm.

[shudder] Is there no end to his evil?

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

LISTENING TO MOVIES

Blackfive found a site where you can listen to the movies from the site-host's personal collection. Matt's listening to Goodfellas. It sounds like a neat idea, but they don't have Pricess Bride :-(

YES, CONCEALED CARRY IS A GOOD IDEA

Jed, over at Boots & Sabers, has an excellent post on why all states should have concealed carry. It's very short and to the point. So short, in fact, that I can't excerpt it or give it an intriguing promo. Tell ya what. Click the link, read it, and if you find that afterwards you don't have an urge to quote the title of my post, drop me a line, and I'll e-mail you back the 10 seconds of your life you just wasted.

But if I'm right, leave a comment at B & S, thanking Jed for saying something that needed to be said.

CASHING OUT

My dad liked Johnny Cash, and had a couple of his albums (the 12" vinyl kind), which I heard as a lad. So I kinda learned to like him, too. Something about the way his voice just... resonated. It's hard to explain.

I never spent a lot of time in my adult life listening to Cash, but I never even considered turning him off or changing the station when he came on. He was obviously good, and I respect obvious talent. I also know that he had a very good wife, and had been through some very tough times.

He's the kind of guy I'd just like to stand up and salute for everything he's done. He had that kind of class.

After surfing around for the last few days, I finally found an obituary that does him justice at American Realpolitik. Read it yourself and see if you agree with me.

THE NEW BLOG SHOWCASE

Way back in June, when I was just an Insignificant Microbe with a crappy Blogspot Blog and a dream, I entered the Truth Laid Bear's New Blog Showcase, hoping to get some attention and launch me on my way to becoming the next IMAO, or USS Clueless, or Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler, or PhotoDude, or Cold Fury, or someone cool like that. I didn't win that week, but my hit counter broke 10 for the first time ever, and I was pretty darn thrilled.

I've evolved since then, but I still remember my roots. So even though this is done partly to fulfill my Alliance obligation, the biggest part is to help deserving new bloggers, just as I was helped.

I found three entries that I really liked:

Argghhh! has this beautiful entry on a 9-11 hero that I've never heard of. I'm now officially pissed off at the media for spending the last two years NOT MENTIONING HIS NAME IN MY PRESENCE! (Friday, September 12, "Mudville Gazette: 911 Remembered: Rick Rescorla was a soldier" if PAB)

Blogfonte claims, in part, to be about "bad poetry". He's so full of shit. This poem, "George Galloway", not only has the occasional rhyme, it also manages to castagate the idiot/commie/peacenik left with great cruelty, while still holding onto that lofty level of abstraction that is a poem's proper venue. Nice work. (Thursday, Sept. 11, if PAB)

Machine in the Ghost understands the heart of the American Spirit, and proves it in his entry, "If Americans Ran the Afterlife" When I die, that's where I want to go.

FOR THE LADIES

I'm allowed to laugh at this, because my beloved wife forwarded it to me:

******************

 With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots,
 especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has
 established a "Women-Only" parking lot at the Mall of America.
 
 Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female to create a
 comfortable and safe environment for patrons.  Below is the first
 picture available of the first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.

A DIFFERENT SENSE OF 9-11

Heather has a post on an aspect of the lingering effects on 9-11 that I'd never considered before:

(Thursday, September 11, if PAB)

****************

A few days after the eleventh, maybe the thirteenth or the fourteenth, I was driving across town for lunch. It was another beautiful September day. My car windows were open, and I thought to myself, "Someone has used far too much fertilizer on their lawn."

But it wasn't fertilizer. The wind was coming from the east, and it brought the smell of the remains of the twin towers burning. And though that was the first time, it was far from the last.

My birthday is November 15th. On November 15th, 2001, I went to dinner with friends. We had dinner at a favorite place of mine, Charlie Brown's, in Upper Montclair. As we left the restaurant, Brenda sniffed the air and asked, "What's that awful smell?"

It was the World Trade Center fires, still burning, two months later. Montclair is twelve miles west of New York City. Every time the wind was in the east during the months following September 11th, you could smell the towers burning.

****************

Since smell is one of the strongest triggers for human emotion, I can't imagine anything more horriffic.

WHY DOES THIS MAN NOT HAVE A BLOG?

In the comments to Frank J's excellent 9-11 post, I found this poem by Jon:

**************

To those who brought these events to pass,
we will bring to pass that which you least want -

We will bring freedom to every person,
in every nation, in every corner of this Earth.

Your daughters will have Barbie(r) Dolls and Levis(r).
Your sons will be educated and help free others.

From your seed, we will grow an olive branch.
Your actions have killed thousands, ours will free billions.

*************

Jon, get your ass to Blogger NOW, and get youself a free soapbox on Blogspot. After a few weeks, when you're sick of broken permalinks, then get a domain and Movable Type. Susie can help you with the move (or hand you to someone who can).

STARSHIP TROOPERS, HERE WE COME

Via the Carnival, I found this intriguing post at WeckUpToThees! speculating on possible future avenues of development for personal battlefield technology. (9-5 if PAB)

Made me go hmmm...

REAL MEN DON'T GET DIVORCED

Via the Carnival, I've discovered that Aardvark is contemptuous of Lance Armstrong's decision to get divorced after five years (September 4, if permalinks are blogspotted). I tend to agree. "We're just not as happy together as we used to be" is a bullshit excuse. Aardvark goes on to describe the risks and rewards of a truly committed marriage. If you've ever been angry with your spouse for longer than 24 hours, you should probably read this.

F'N EBAY SPOOFERS

I am forever getting spam that tells me that there's trouble with me eBay account, and I need to go to "this web site" to re-enter my credit card number and other vital personal information.

Yeah? Blow me.

But this one was a really vicious variant:

****************

Below is the result of your feedback form.  It was submitted by
 (Suspended@ebay.com) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 at 13:04:09
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

: Dear eBay Member,

We regret to inform you that your eBay account has been suspended due
to concerns we have for the safety and integrity of the eBay community.

You have been indefinitely suspended from eBay because our records indicate your account was involved in activities that violate our policy governing seller non-performance.

Due to the suspension of this account, please be advised you are
prohibited from using eBay in any way. This includes the registering of a new
account.

Please note that this suspension does not relieve you of your
agreed-upon obligation to pay any fees you may owe to eBay.
If you feel this is in error please go Click <A HREF="http://ebaynotice.8m.com">Here</A> To Verify Your Account -

Regards,

Safeharbor Department,
eBay Inc

******************

This actually sounds fairly plausable, and might fool some people who've recently dealt with problem customers or sellers.

Of course, considering my feedback rating, my reaction was:

 Blow me.

TRICK ON DICK

What happened to Richard Nixon after he died? Quibbles & Bits has the answer, and now I can't get that waitress transformation image out of my head.

Drink alert in effect.

BAD OL' SPAM

If I were to write about what to do about spam, it'd be a pretty short post.

"Just delete it."

American Digest, however, goes on at some length on the topic and, as is usually the case over there, bigger is better.

Put the beverage down & go read.

Or at least go look at the pictures.

CRITICIZE THIS

Lynn reflects, with her usual insightful d minorness, on how silly it is reject all criticism of your group per se, instead of simply responding to a specific criticism. A very good point, and a nice antidote for the MANY unfocussed arguments flying around the news and the blogosphere every day.

Me, I just use comedy.

"Republicans are Nazis!"

"Fine. Then Democrats are the French. My stereotype can beat up your stereotype."

Don't respond, just mock. It gets 'em all kinds of pissed off.

And isn't that what REALLY matters? 

STUPID REPORTER TRICKS

Right Wing News' mockery of CNN's cowardly & biased Iraq reporting is spot on.

Drink alert in effect.

GANGS OF NEW YORK

Owen saw Gangs of New York recently and was unimpressed. I saw it a few weeks ago and I have to concur. It was too long, the dialogue was crap, and the squalid theme of human misery was depressing. However, I did like the swaggering, bouyant confidence most of the characters displayed. A refreshing change from the over-emotionalized indecision and "being human" that passes for characterization in a lot of movies.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

Tomorrow at 6:06am, I turn 37. I tried to think of something special about this age, but could only come up with 2 things:

1) 37 is a prime number

2) 37 is year during which, at least theoretically, I could have my first legitimate grandchild (assuming I got married on my 18th birthday, immediately impregnated my wife, and the resulting child did similarly).

Too bad I don't live in West Virginia. I could've done this 8 years ago.

Anyway, suggested presents from the blogosphere include:

1) brief congratulatory comments

2) gratuitous linkage

3) links to pictures of large quantities of money.

Jen's having a birthday tomorrow, too (I'm not sure which one). She likes pictures of scantily clad hunky firemen.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

You know there's something really wrong if you ever find yourself having the following thought:

"I seem to remember having pants last night"

NEW ALLIANCE ASSIGNMENT

Since Frank wanted the Alliance to do something in his absence, I gave the Alliance something to do. Answer the question:

What is Evil White Glenn's favorite song and why?

That should crank up the filthy lie quotient a bit. Links to answers will be posted Wednesday evening at HQ.

This should be a quick and easy way for talented bloggers on the sidelines to get their toes wet in the Blog War. Even if you want to stay neutral, it'll still be a link, and that should make it worth while. You can never have too many links.

Lookin' your direction, Owen...

INSTALANCHE!

Of all the Escheresque, Twilight-Zoned events I could never have imagined anyway, this one takes the cake:

The Puppy Blender has requested to join the Blogger Alliance in seeking to defeat the Puppy Blender.

No, I am not kidding.

However, I am a bit dubious as to whether he can fulfill his Alliance obligations. Being an Alliance member carries with it certain duties and responsibilities. It's not all ham and plaques, you know. Will he put the banner in his sidebar? Will he post a filthy lie about himself? Can he actually make up a fake Glenn Reynolds quote? I mean, technically, every quote he tries to make up for himself will actually have been said by him, and therefore not be fake.

But most importantly, will he participate in the New Blog Showcase, or will he just water down our participation percentage and hand the sponsorship award over to the Axis of Evil Naughty?

Time will tell.

Indeed.

MISHALANCHE!

He is the Emperor of the Rottweiler Empire. The King of Fisking. The Prince of Righteous Rage. A Danish immigrant who loves America more fiercely than anyone else I know.

And he linked to my latest filthy lie today.

Loyal Citizen Harvey is proud to be so honored.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Which would explain Tom's shopping spree at Condoms-R-Us.

ALLIANCE HQ ROUNDUP

It's been busy over there the last couple days. Currently we have:

Susie delinked inactive members, just like she promised, and explained why.

Romulus told prospective new members how to join - leave a comment to this post

I put up a serious post on writing an actual press release for the Blog War. Anyone who knows anything about PR is cordially invited to comment.

I reminded everyone what a great opportunity for linkage the Carnival & Bonfire are. I also pleaded for participation in the New Blog Showcase.

Susie, being the charming hostess that she is, actually SHOWED people how to vote in the New Blog Showcase. She's so cute when she mothers us :-)

Matt, I do believe it's your turn. Just because you have a brand-spank'n-new site doesn't mean you can't share a little love with the rest of the Alliance. At least wave to the nice people.

COMMENTS ARE LIKE WIT VIAGRA

Recently, California Gov. Davis mocked Arnie's accent with the snide remark, "You shouldn't be governor unless you can pronounce the name of the state." 

Poor Sarge. His wit couldn't rise to the task, even though he knew there was a very snappy comeback in there somewhere. Fortunately, there are plenty of little blue pills in the comments.

Drink Alert Threat Level Orange in effect.

THE WEREWOLF IS DEAD. LONG LIVE THE WEREWOLF

Photodude reminded me of the recent passing of Warren Zevon. I was never a big fan, but I have to admit that Lawyers, Guns & Money always gave me a certain lift when I heard it. Probably because, quite honestly, there really isn't a single problem in the world that can't be solved with those three things in sufficient quantity.

DUALITY

When you speak two languages fluently, which one do you think in?

I met a girl from Ecuador in one of my Finance classes while I was in college, and asked her about that. She said that mostly it was in English, while she was in America, but that it went back to Spanish when she went home. The one sticking point for her, though was numbers. She had to think of the numbers in Spanish, or she couldn't mathematically manipulate them. I sometimes wonder if the relationship between ones primary language and doing math is universally true.

Tangentially, David interviewed Val Prieto recently. Val runs Babalu Blog, and is a talented writer. I praised his excellent Revolutionary Oil Lamps piece a couple months ago.

The whole interview is worthwhile, but there was one passage that caught my eye:

***************

4. What experience made you realize that you had a special affinity for language? (Did that happen in Spanish or English?)

I don't know if I ever had one experience that defined my affinity for language. It may have been the fact that when I was young, I had to speak Spanish at home and English in the outside world. It was very difficult as during conversations one word or two from the other language always sneaked in. I guess that's where I began to view the words I was speaking or thinking written out in my mind, spelled out in both languages. (yes, I am a freak, so what?) It is a little bothersome. Sometimes I will be talking or writing or blogging in English and there will be one feeling or situation or whatever that can be described absolutely perfectly in Spanish. Same thing happens when using Spanish. When speaking, I trip over this alot. I guess you can say that I speak perfect Spanglish.

**************

As Evil Glenn would say: Hmmm...

I don't suppose anyone knows of any academic studies or anecdotal experiences that shed more light on this topic?

BITCH-SLAP?

Lynn wonders:

*********

I've never completely understood the term "bitch-slap." Is the bitch the person being slapped or the the one doing the slapping?

*********

While I was writing my last filthy lie, I was thinking about the term "bitch-slap" (I used "sissy-slap" instead) and I wondered the exact same thing.

When, oh WHEN is that wonderful woman going to enable comments on her site? I was really wishing there'd be some discussion on the topic so I could find out the answer.

SILVER MEDAL CAPTIONING

I came in second at Wizbang's caption contest. Guess I've got another First Loser trophy to add to the pile.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Nick steps boldly across the fine line between infatuation and stalking.

HIP HIP HOORAY!

Blackfive, the official Alliance Pathfinder, insulter of French Generals, and beater of bullies, has FINALLY moved off blogsplat onto his own eponymous domain: www.blackfive.net. Working links, functional comments, and a classy 3-column look. I've got my blogroll updated, do you?

Congratulations Matt!

SEPTEMBER 11, 2001 - MY MEMORIAL TO THE FUTURE

Other people are offering better words, so I'm not going to try.

But I will offer you one of my favorite paintings featuring the WTC. It was done pre-9/11.

The curator of this particular on-line art gallery comments on the painting. Be sure to read it, since it sums up how I feel perfectly.

***************

Special note to Anger Management: In your quest for a new life, I recommend www.cordair.com as a source of spiritual fuel.

THE QUOTABLE GLENN REYNOLDS

See what Evil White Glenn has to say about the proud members of the Blogging Alliance.

TOP DAWG

The Carnival of the Vanities #51 is up at Solport and I'd like to congratulate Owen of Boots and Sabers for snagging pole position for his brilliant investigative report on the insidious corruption that IS the Governor of Wisconsin, Jim Doyle.

[insert stading ovation here]

200 WORDS OR LESS:

GAMES

Today's question comes from the book Romantic Questions, page 40:

************** 

#1: What was your favorite game as a child?

**************

Well, you know how it was as a child. One day it's Cowboys & Indians, the next it's Tic-Tac-Toe. Favorites changed on the morning's whim. But I do recall one brief phase as a youngster in the early 70's. My fresh-out-of-college teacher was all excited about this new game...

Teacher: Today, my impressionable youth, we're going to play a game.

Kids: YAAAAY!

Harv: Um,  can't we learn something useful, instead? You know, readin', 'ritin', 'rithmetic...?

Teacher: Plenty of time for that in high school, nerd boy. Anyway, this fun, fun, fun game is called, "Protest The Evil Corporate Polluter."

Kids: YAAAAY! What's a corporate?

Teacher: It's a big, scary monster that eats children and stomps on butterflies.

Kids: WAAAAH! Save the butterflies!

Teacher: That's the spirit. Now get out your crayons and write, "Hug butterflies and stop the evil racist corporate hegemonic oppression."

Harv: Screw that. I'm gonna write, "Teacher's a retarded hippy butt-monkey."

Teacher: Kids, Harvey's not conforming. Pelt him with crayons until he learns to love.

Kids: We. Hear. And. Obey.

Harv: Whoops! Gotta go renew my library card. See ya! [FWING!]

...which is why my favorite game as a child was, "Frame Teacher For Armed Robbery." Winner gets an education, loser gets 20 years of prison sex.

Stupid hippy.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

THIS IS YOUR BLOG.

THIS IS YOUR BLOG ON BLOGSPOT.

ANY QUESTIONS?

THE EVIDENCE

For those of you who didn't believe my last filthy lie, I offer the following as proof:

This is the spare change I found in the confessional. I donated it all to IMAO to make up for hurting Frank's feelings with my false-but-necessary comment on the quality of his Frank Answers.

So please don't sissy-slap me. (Monday, Sept 8, if permalinks are blogspotted).

THE HEAT FROM BELOW CAN BURN YOUR EYES OUT

Kevin's got Bonfire #10 roaring sweet & hot. As always, his cruelly accurate intros are the best part. Although nobody entered anything "good" in the generally accepted meaning of the word, I can still say, in a Clintonian way, there were some... "good" items:

Boots and Sabers for the Grand Canyon of non-sequitors between content and comment.

Shelli apparently subscribes to that bizarre, yet popular, notion that poetry

is

ungrammatical

prose

with

uneven margins.

Finally, One Fine Jay links something that hurts your eyes like jalepeno contact lenses. Yeah, there's a warning, but who the hell is going to listen?

INSTAPUNDO SELF-DELENDA

Looks like Evil White Glenn hasn't quite figured out how this whole BlogWar thing works in the Ecosystem yet. Good news for the Alliance, because he linked QandO again. This time for a nice piece which refutes the idiot lefty mantra of "Bush went to war in Iraq to help out his big business buddies." It's worth a read.

THE LEMONATOR

Don't look at the new Lemon. It will kill you with laughter.

Best. French. Bashing. Ever.

Here's a snippet from the non-pictury part:

*********

Planning a trip to France? Below are some common French phrases. People will shout them at you often, so be sure to learn what they mean!

Disparaissent le yankee stupide à la maison!
Welcome to France!

J'espère que vous aimez le goût de ma salive.
Enjoy your meal.

***********

Oh yes, there's more. Drink alert in effect.

Did you even have to ask?

INSTALANCHE!

Q and O just got his first Instalanche for his post which posits an interesting theory on John Edward's possible political future. Since he's an Alliance member, Evil Glenn just shot himself in the toe. Everyone give Jon some congratulatory linkage, comments, and page views.

Oh, and Jon's parting shot at the end of the post is freakin' hilarious. Miss it at your own peril.

ROCKY F

Frank's got a new In My World up. It's much shorter than usual, but it's still got all the normal comedic punch. Think Sly Stallone in his prime.

Heh. Little Iraqi girl.

MECHANIZED EVIL

J, over at Quibbles & Bits, had me scared on this one. He started explaining how industrialization made 20th century genocides possible. He trotted out fact after fact, and inside I'm cringing, because I know that any second this Luddite screed is going start its hideous, anti-capitalist howl...

***********

Mass murder and genocidal acts certainly predate the Industrial Age. In Caligula, it is alleged that killing machines predated the modern age by a long margin. The Industrial Age went far beyond mere mechanics, bringing a new system into being, perfected by the Nazis, a process for the elimination of human life, a disassembly line for the undesirables of Nazi society, removing identity, jewelry, hair clothing, life, and finally any gold teeth or fillings before the destruction or disposal of the "waste", the body of the murdered. The Mechanization of Evil reduced the killing to a process, a set of steps that reduced the decedent into nothing more than a string of numbers and a pile of ash. Is this strictly an industrial abomination? Has the Industrial Age (and now post-Industrial Age) reduced us to verging on mass annihilation?

************

But it never came. In fact, he ends up concluding that America's progress-worship is actually the answer to this horror. A deft, artful, and delightful change of direction, all done to the beat of solid logic. 

You gotta see this for yourself, because it's a cleverly done piece. I really envy this man's writing talent.

LIBERALS ARE SO FREAKING DUMB

Ok, that was a mean, partisan thing to say. But Owen posts proof. Liberal radio talk show hosts try to explain why they're less popular than people with actual talent:

**********

"The reason that we have a right-wing dominance of talk radio — and it's not conservative, it is right wing — is because it pays for corporate America. For every dollar they put into that, they are getting thousands of dollars in tax breaks," Crockett said.

**********

Certainly can't be because you're an incoherant fool, now can it? Nope. Gotta be a giant corporate conspiracy.

Which is fine. Be stupid. I don't care. But what the hell is it with Liberals that they keep tripping over Godwin's Law?

**********

"The opportunity is there, with the political climate in the country ... we have been sucked so far to the right by media, by the political class in this country. There is a hunger to hear something other than the goose-stepping, right-wing rhetoric that you hear coast to coast, border to border, 24-7," he said.

**********

Goose-stepping means Nazi which means you lose the argument, asshat.

Go read the rest and marvel at these glittering jewels of colossal ignorance.

BABY TOYS

Owen, over at Boots & Sabers, points out how ridiculous it is for the government to be wasting your tax dollars on stupid, irrelevant, frivolous crap like a web site that lets you do all manner of research on the popularity of baby names.

He's absolutely right, of course.

Also, (of course) I'm helpless to stop myself from checking out how popular my name is...

Hmmm... apparently "Harvey" was popular name #776 in 1991, and dropped more or less steadily until 1998, when it slipped below #1000, and dropped off the chart.

Hopefully my fabulously popular blog will change this horrifying trend. Everybody name your next son after me.

[shaking head to restore clarity] Uh... I mean, what a stupid waste of taxpayer money! Yeah. That's what I meant.

FOX THIS

I learned to love Fox News during the Iraq war. Fair and balanced my ass. They were unashamedly pro-US, and I enjoyed it. And because I know the players in this little drama, (and actually having seen Jaws in the theater back in '74 when that mechanical shark was bleeding edge FX), I really enjoyed Blather Review's parody of Fox News handling the shark crisis in Amity. Here's a bite:

*************

Britt Hume: Hi and welcome to Special Report, I'm Britt Hume.
Joining me now to discuss the situation at Amity Island tonight is our extended panel. Please welcome James Carville, Jeff Birnbaum, Sean Hannity, Jonathan Alter and Dennis Miller.

Sean, let me start with you. Captain Quint's boat, the Orca, has been at sea all day having set off to find and kill the Great White shark. Question: Are these three men -- Quint the Captain, Matt Hooper the oceanographer, and Police Chief Martin Brody -- enough to get the job done?

Hannity: This is the problem with Liberals today, Britt. First they didn't want anybody to kill the shark because they're totally beholden to PETA and the environmentalists; they make outrageous claims about the loss of life that'll take place if they try to get the shark; THEN they turn around and complain that there aren't ENOUGH guys on that boat that's gone out to kill it. It's sad what the party of JFK - an avid boater in those same waters - has become.

Carville: Wait now...let's just look...let's look at what we got heah. We got three guys going out on a ricketty old tub...they may be fine men, I do'no...going out to kill a shawk! What what what is...what threat is this shawk to them?
It only ate people who were in the watah! I mean you go into the watah where there are shawks and, I'm sorry to break it to ya folks, but yer gawna get eaten!

Hannity: James, four people and one dog have been slaughtered by this monster...

Carville: Well it didn' walk onto the beach, Sean. If that fish was lyin' on a blanket with a basket of lotion then I'd say there's a problem...but let the shawk be a shawk...

*********

and it just keeps rollin' right along from there.

Heh. Love that Carville.

Hat tip to the Link-Madam for this one.

THIRTY THINGS

Yeah, this is another one of those horrid, sexist posts that makes fun of women. But I found it amusing anyway. Via the Alliance Specialty page, I found DarthVOB posting a list of "30 Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say".

An excerpt:

************

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

2. The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper too, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

3. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

4. Bar food again! Kick a--.

5. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

***********

One of the many things I love about my wife is that 3, 12, 15, 16, 17, 21, 24, 25, and 27 are at least imaginable.

I wonder how Lynn would do on this list?

A GOOD FLIGHT

Blackfive has a story I almost wish was mine. After countless years of being jacked around with flight delays & cancellations by Northwest Airlines while in the Navy, it's nice to see that some airlines know how to treat their customers:

*************

We pulled up to the Southwest counter at 11:50am. I cut to the front of the line. I am dripping with sweat and the front of my shirt is covered in blood and I have blood clots on my nose and chin.

Customers start complaining that I am cutting in line. I was on the verge of losing it and beating one of the customers with the stantion. I looked like Death on a bad day.

Blackfive: "Look! I have five minutes to catch my flight. I was just in a car accident. I am getting married and HAVE TO BE ON THAT FLIGHT!"

The Ticket Agent looks me and up and down, checks my itinerary, makes an obvious conclusion, and calls for a porter. She didn't check me in. I didn't think I was going to make it on the flight, and, if I rented a car and drove the 320 miles, I would be late to the rehearsal and subsequent dinner. Not good, not good at all...

SWA Ticket Agent: "Paul, get this guy on his plane. Move!"

****************

Go read the whole thing. It's 9-5-03 "Why I will always fly Southwest Airlines" if permalinks are blogspotted.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Spent on a bag of Doritos: October 7, 2000.

CONFESSIONS

(A FILTHY LIE)

So, I was rooting around in the confessional, looking for spare change, when Evil Glenn stepped into the adjoining booth. Not being Catholic, I faked it as best I could and learned yet another horrifying lie…

Evil Glenn: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It’s been 1 hour since my last confession, and… oh boy, this is bad.

Harv: Puppy blending again?

Evil Glenn: Just one of those nasty, yippy little ankle-biters.

Harv: Ok, not a problem. Hobo-whackin’?

Evil Glenn: He was French.

Harv: A service to humanity. Satan worshiping?

Evil Glenn: Black Mass isn’t until later tonight, so, technically, no.

Harv: Punch Frank J.?

Evil Glenn: More of a sissy-slap, really.

Harv: Well, that last Frank Answers wasn’t quite up to snuff, so we’ll let it slide. Penguin Porn?

Evil Glenn: Oh yeah… forgot about that one.

Harv: 100 Our Fathers

Evil Glenn: I usually get 5. It’s not like I'm getting all Troy McClure with fish, or anything.

Harv: 50

Evil Glenn: 10

Harv: 20, and you have to wax the pulpit.

Evil Glenn: Hey! I don’t swing that way!

Harv: I meant it literally.

Evil Glenn: Oh. Ok, deal.

Harv: Well, what did you do?

Evil Glenn: I parked in a handicapped stall at the supermarket.

Harv: Well, that’s more of a DMV thing. Not really the church’s jurisdiction…

Evil Glenn: I was driving a steamroller.

Harv: Let me check… [flip, flip, flip]… Hmmm… lying, stealing, coveting,… nothing in here about operating heavy equipment. You weren’t taking any medication that could make you drowsy, were you?

Evil Glenn: Well, no…

Harv: Alrighty then. Nothing to cause omnipotent wrath here.

Evil Glenn: The stall wasn’t empty.

Harv: You crushed a cripple?

Evil Glenn: I was only gonna be in the store for half an hour! Besides, I thought it would be fun, in a Road Runnery sort of way. It was a lot redder and gooier than I expected.

Harv: You are a vile, despicable man. However, I believe God’s infinite forgiveness can…

Evil Glenn: The second one was even worse.

Harv: Second…

Evil Glenn: But after that, it got better. The spokes snapping on the wheelchairs sounded kinda like windchimes. Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle! So musical. Indeed.

Harv: Go! Befoul this holy sanctum no more!

Evil Glenn: Fine. You are such an asshole.

Harv: And 10 Hail Mary’s for swearing!

Evil Glenn: 3

Harv: GET! OUT!

Evil Glenn: Hmph! Persnickety Catholics. I knew I shoulda stuck with the Amish.

…So there you have it. Evil Glenn steamrollers cripples just to hear the music of snapping wheelchair spokes. This madness must be stopped!

Instapundo Delenda Est!

Update 9-9-03: Actually, Frank Answers was perfectly snuffy, but I had to keep Evil Glenn from discovering my Alliance affiliation as I endeavored to uncover his darkest secret.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



And so, thanks to the worst tip of the night at Denny's, Hillary Clinton's waitress finally discovers what the rest of the world has known for years.

PAGING DON CORLEONE

"We're not saying you have to pay us any protection money. We're just saying that it's a real nice store you got here, and it would be a shame if anything bad happened to it."

Or, as they say in California:

***************

"We're not saying any law has been broken," said Tom Dresslar, a spokesman for California Attorney General Bill Lockyer (search), one of the officials who signed the letter. "We're just asking out of a concern for the health of our kids that the industry do what it can to ensure that kids don't start smoking."

***************

From Fox News, via Miss Liberty's Film & TV Update (a weekly newsletter covering film and TV of interest to libertarians), and Reason magazine on-line, it's come to my attention that 24 state Attorneys General have ganged up on Hollywood to "ask" the MPAA to "do something" about smoking in movies, for the sake of impressionable teens.

The Fox link will just piss you off, so if you click that, be sure to click the Reason link, too, since they merrily mock the whole concept of Hollywood corrupting youth. For example:

**************

Why are the attorneys general limiting themselves to reducing only smoking in movies? There is any number of other equally pressing social problems that are caused by movies that need to be addressed. The list is endless, but it certainly includes the following:

1. Car chases can solve problems. At least since the groundbreaking car chase in 1968's Bullitt—in which Steve McQueen also dangerously glamorizes cops who play by their own rules—virtually every movie features the sort of unsafe motoring that keeps the nation's driver ed teachers up at night. Only a tool of the automotive industry would deny that even impressionable adults ranging from O.J. Simpson to South Dakota Congressman Bill Janklow have been negatively influenced by what they've seen on the big screen

****************

4 more where that came from.

Go read.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

 

A secret agent under cover so deep that not even Google knows who the hell he is.

PING CHECK

Incoming is fine. Outgoing broken. Doing a  test on me.

TEXAS SQUIRREL GUN

Via an old high school buddy (currently blogless), it appears that the ultimate varmint rifle was up for auction recently.

Gotta get me one of these.

A DREAM COME TRUE

When I started this blog, I Googled for "bad money" (without the quotes) and I was probably somewhere on page 600,000.

:-(

While I was up at grandma's place earlier this week, I stopped into the local library (right next door - very convenient), hit Google, and guess who's the #1 page out of over 6,000,000 hits?

Hugs, kisses, thanks, and scantily clad firemen to all those who helped make this possible.

AND SO IT BEGINS...

The good Sarge is holding a Babylon 5 bull session at his site. Still plenty of room in the comments if you want to get in on it. Heck, the comments are even better than the post.

If you like B5, go there & check it out.

If you don't like (or know about) B5, well, uh... Hmm...

Eh. Here. Have some gratuitous cleavage instead.

HALF FULL

Although not necessarily endorsing the findings, PhotoDude has gathered the depressing statistics (only 2% of those surveyed visit a blog more than once a week, and 79% didn't know what a blog is), and mentions that, since blogs are not mainstream, bloggers ought to be a bit humbled by the mass ignorance of their sport, even though a given blogger might be racking up a few hundred readers per day.

If you look at it from that perspective, it's not just humbling, it's "stick your head in an oven" depressing.

Me, I look at it not from the "what percentage of the world am I entertaining" angle, but the narrower, more selfish angle of, "am I amusing somebody besides myself?" In the last few months, I've been shocked, awed, and delighted to discover that the answer to that is "yes".

My numbers don't matter so much (spoken like a true nobody, eh?), it's just that I've finally expanded my personal circle beyond work, home, friends, and family. I've met and enjoyed the company of many fine strangers with whom I share little in common except a love of fine writing and light comedy, and I've bonded with some of them to one degree or another, and, truth be known, I'm a lot happier now than I was before I started blogging. I've grown some & become a better, more thoughtful person in the process.

I haven't changed the world, but my corner of it's a little brighter, and that's good enough for me.

SPIN 'EM UP WITH FAN FICTION

Lynn spotted a good one in her referrers.

There are some topics which shouldn't be broached at an elegant dinner with your fellow Literary Academicians. Fan fiction is one of them. The reason you shouldn't is that it's funny when you do. A taste:

************

“Fans of various television programs and movies extrapolate on the lives of the characters or remold the outcome of key scenes to their liking,” I explained in serious and scholarly tones. “It could be considered a kind of popular modern revisionist movement. I’ve been curious if you literature fellows have been keeping up with it.”

“Popular revisionism,” he rumbled thoughtfully. “Interesting, interesting. Young Pup did you know about this?”

“I, well, uh, yes sir,” the poor fellow stammered. “I’ve read a bit. Can be really horrid stuff,” he finished hoping to salvage the conversational turn with a left hook into literary criticism.

“Yes, and it can be quite well done,” I countered. “A friend of mine who began in fan fiction just published her first book.”

“And how did you come to be interested in this topic?” asked the Chairman.

“I edited fan fiction on a Xena Warrior Princess website.”

Suddenly the sound of crickets chirping in the night filled the room. R., who knows when I’ve gone past the point of no return, leaned back and smiled quietly into her coffee cup.

***************

and it just keeps getting better from there.

Heh. Lesbian fiction.

THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE ABERRANT SEXUAL PROCLIVITIES

Not to mention Deal-a-Meal. Heather from Angelweave has discovered Evil Glenn's secret identity.

GOOD LIE, GREAT PICTURE

Silver Blue has Evil Glenn's "Puppy in a Blender" TV commercial transcript.

Go for the picture, if nothing else. It's priceless.

NICE COMBO

Ah, my two favorite things: French-bashing and comedic blasphemy. Find both in one post at Quibbles & Bits as J shows us what happened to Joan of Arc after the toasting.

SOMETIMES THEY SHOULD STAY AWAY

J, over at Quibbles & Bits, saw the movie version of Stephen King's "Sometimes They Come Back", and was thoroughly horrified...

... at how badly it was done.

He mentions something I've noticed myself: Stephen King's brand of horror doesn't translate well to the big screen, although his more character-studious efforts do. I've always thought that it was because so many of his good horror stories contained a LOT of internal dialogue. That nicks the surface of the explanation, but J goes deeper and hits it solid:

***************

It, Dreamcatcher, Children of the Corn, Rainy Season, and a host of other Stephen King novels and stories base their horror on that which dwells in your mind. It is something amorphous that draws from the depths of our souls the darkest and gives rough shape to the horror. We then gently fill the details to fit our own personal fears, making the stories cling mightily to our psyche. The actual horror is left to our imaginations, and we are an imaginative people.

Turning that into a movie removes the ambiguity of the horror, making it into something concrete. When it becomes concrete, its very definition makes it less frightening. The concrete is always less scary than the undefined. And the movies try to define the undefined. Our imagination is short-circuited, and the frightening becomes farce.

*************

Right on.

Although I have to disagree slightly with his take on Maximum Overdrive. Sure, it was schlocky, but for some reason it worked for me. I think mostly it was the AC/DC soundtrack. Favorite moment: the gas pumping montage - Hells Bells grinding out in the background as Emilio Estevez fills up a Sisyphusian line of honking 18-wheelers under an unforgiving Southern summer sun.

When I go to hell, I'll probably be workin' the truck stop, too.

INTRODUCTION OF FLUSH TOILET DEPLORED AT EARTH SUMMIT

Big hat tip to Wizbang for finding this one.

The flush toilet, with its quick and easy control of human waste accumulation, was an amazing leap forward in sanitation. What kind of infernal nipple-head to you have to be to find fault with it?

Read the article & find out.

The beauty of this piece is, as Kevin says, it self-fisks via quotes from one of the sensible panelists at the summit.

THAT DUMB CRACKER!

Poor Frank. Among other complaints in this post is that no one will hurl racist insults at him. I know how he feels. Despite how terribly white I am, I'm never the victim of melanin-based cruelty.

Although I was once called a Honky M-----F-----.

Many years ago in San Francisco, I was sitting outside the library on a sunny afternoon, reading a book, listening to my Walkman, and otherwise giving off subtle indications of voluntary social isolation, when a black negro African-American gentleman of color asked me what time it was.

When I'm reading something I enjoy (which is everytime I pick up a book, otherwise I wouldn't be reading) I DO NOT WANT TO BE INTERRUPTED! So, I did the rude selfish thing, and shrugged.

Yes, I had my watch on. But as far as I was concerned, he could damn well buy his own watch or go into the library & look at the clock, or perhaps even beg the hour from someone who wasn't busy being a billboard for introversion.

His reaction at this social slight was to call me a honky mf'r (and no, he didn't abbreviate)

My look of stunned shock made him think that he'd struck a nerve, so he said "that's right, I said honky mf'r" and cursed at me some more before going on his way.

What he didn't know was why I looked so surprised.

Because I was so damn confused.

I had just been a complete and utter jag-off asshole to this man, and instead of calling me a complete and utter jag-off asshole, he insulted my... race?

HUH-WHA?

I imagine he would've had a similar reaction if I had told him the time was "purple monkey dishwasher".

Anyway, Frank, I'm sure you'll get your racial insult eventually. I just hope that you're lucky enough to get it for doing something incredibly, stupidly white. When it's irrelevant & gratuitous, it's just not as much fun.

A TALE OF TWO QUOTES:

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something." - Plato.

"Indeed." - Glenn Reynolds (repeat ad nauseum)

I'm thinking that puts him squarely in camp #2, yes?

SPEAKING OF THE BONFIRE...

As I did in the post below, it seems that this week EVERYONE obeyed the rules and entered inhumanly crappy posts. It's about time you freaks got it right!

...Uh, and me, too.

Anyway, having said that, I must also say, Escheresquely, that Kevin's commentary on this week's Bonfire is superbly zingy, and would never actually qualify for a Bonfire entry in its own right, despite the fact that it is, in fact, a part of the Bonfire, whose sole purpose is to suck like an Everestian Hoover.

Harv dizzy. Harv lay down now.

FULL CIRCLE

So, I'm following a link from Susie which she got from Good Black Glenn, which he got from Mr Green, whose site was found while scrolling around Blackfive, who had been gotten to via a link from me.

I think I'm my own grandpa now.

Anyway, let's try out the Slogan Generator (just three, I got a lot of blogging to catch up on):

1) They're Waffly Bad Money

2) Our Best Bad Money Yet

3) Because Bad Money Can't Drive

COOL! I've got my Bonfire entry for next week!

KERRY = ARROGANT DICKWEED

I couldn't agree more with Owen's point on a stupid John Kerry comment:

***************

I’m a hunter and I believe in the Second Amendment but I’ve never gone hunting with an AK-47.

There's plenty to gripe about in the speech, but it's mostly the same drivel that's been argued about a million times. This quote struck me kind of strange.

My first thought was, "well... you haven't LIVED!" [just kidding]. My first thought was, "how arrogant is this man that he thinks that if HE doesn't need or want something, that America should BAN it?"

****************

Stop by and read the other kicks Owen delivers.

Heh. Mustard.

NOW THOSE ARE HEADLIGHTS

I'm happily married, so I don't need custom car paint-jobs like the ones Owen posted.

But I'm not dead, so I'm still gonna look.

UPDATE 9-5-03: Per the comments, looks like this was Jed's post, now Owen's. Don't know how I missed that, what with it being in bright red letters and all. Must have been blinded by the lights...

STUPID GOVERNOR TRICKS

Wisconsin's Governor, Jim Doyle, is so sleazy. First he harasses employment agencies on behalf of the unions to keep ex-cons from getting jobs at Tyson Foods, NOW he's trying to get ex-cons who are currently working for Tyson (they have to have jobs somewhere as a condition of their probation/parole) to work somewhere else.

Jeez, Jimbo, why don't ya just grab a freaking placard & walk the line with the rest of the Union thugs. "Not taking sides" my ass.

Anyway, Boots & Sabers has the sordid details. Very sordid, very detailed. Even got some names this time around. With a little prodding in the comments, we might be able to get Owen to release some e-mails & phone numbers, too.

Oh, and a follow-up.

USING YOUR MONKEY

(A FILTHY LIE)

I had just gotten back from visiting grandma, and hadn’t even set my bags down when the phone rang…

Harv: Hello?

Voice: Hi. This is Glenn.

Harv: Dude! I’ve been meaning to call. I LOVE  contractorpeon.com, and…

Voice: White Glenn.

Harv: Die, Puppy Blender!

White Glenn: Relax, currency freak. I’m calling to surrender.

Harv: Suh-huh-wha?

White Glenn: Suh-rend-der. I’m stepping down from my throne and handing the reigns of the blogosphere over to the Alliance.

Harv: Uh, gee… that’s nice and all, but why call me? I’m pretty far down on the ecospheric food chain. Why not surrender to Frank?

White Glenn: I tried, but he was out hunting monkeys.

Harv: Hmmm… how about Don? He’s pretty powerful. He just put a serious boot up your ass with that Den Bestian three-parter of his.

White Glenn: Aw, I couldn’t read his stuff anyway. I’m illiterate.

Harv: Illiterate? As in can’t read or write?

White Glenn: Not a word.

Harv: But you’re a lawyer!

White Glenn: Didn’t say I couldn’t bullshit.

Harv: Ah. Of course. So, how do you crank out all those blog entries?

White Glenn: An army of trained monkeys pounding away at computer keyboards, night and day. Why do you think I can only come up with crap like “Hmmm,” and “Indeed”?

Harv: Makes sense. But why surrender?

White Glenn: Which monkeys do you think Frank is out hunting?

Harv: I see. Ok, what are your terms?

White Glenn: Oh, unconditional. Alliance members split my hits and links equally, and my monkeys and I go back to lying.

Harv: Lawyering

White Glenn: Whatever.

Harv: What about the money?

White Glenn: The what?

Harv: The money. Frank promised the Alliance members bags and bags of money.

White Glenn: Get real. There’s no money in blogging. Well, except for Sullivan, but that’s just one of those nature-gone-horribly-wrong, four-legged-chicken kinda things. Anyway, I need my money. The Mazuri Monkey Crunch doesn’t buy itself, you know.

Harv: Your monkeys work for food?

White Glenn: Yeah. They're sorta like hobos that way, and…um… uh… oh no… can’t fight urge to… hammer… [WHACK!]… Heh. I lose more monkeys that way…

Harv: Indeed. But once you quit blogging, you won’t need monkeys anymore.

White Glenn: Like hell I won’t! Haven’t you read any Supreme Court decisions lately? “Racism is ok, except when it’s not, but I might change my mind in 25 years.” Bah! My monkeys can write better insane drivel than that, so they’re my meal ticket. Without my typing monkeys, I’m as useless as a union without mob connections.

Harv: Boo-hoo-hoo, law-talkin’ guy. Bags of money or BlogWar.