Bad Money
A celebration of graffiti currency and other off-the-wallery


"Harvey says more in 200 words than I could with 1000 "indeeds"" - Glenn Reynolds

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Bad Money

  Monday, October 27, 2003


Dana of Note-It Posts has found the ultimate song for nourishing your inner bad-girl.

I'm not a country music fan, but if it makes women dance around in their bras, I'm all for it.


posted by Harvey at 11:21:26 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


You may have heard that there were some anti-something protests in DC over the weekend. As usual with these incoherant butt-nuggets, I'm not sure what exactly the "something" was. I'm pretty sure it was damned annoying, though. Via Susie, I found out that America's second most beligerant bunny (#1 being Bun-Bun) has the scoop on the rally, complete with pictures and commentary. Much better than any 20-second sound-bite laden crap you might've gotten off the tube-news. It's a must-see.

So go see.


posted by Harvey at 11:16:42 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Yeah, I make fun of the French on a regular basis. Smelly, rude, cheese-eating-surrender-monkeys, etc. Trouble is, I've never actually met a Frenchman. Well, one. But his main problem was just the hair growing out of his nose. No, I don't mean the nostrils, I mean the tip of his freaking nose! God, that was nasty! And I don't even want to talk about his bushy ears. Like he hacked 'em off a Hobbit & glued 'em to his head or something.


Anyway, I'm grateful to Matt O'Blackfive for offering some hard evidence that the phrase "filthy as a Frenchman" is not just a Homer-esque cliche. The smell truly is overpowering:


A breeze blew across this froggy formation and brought the unfiltered funk of 30 French soldiers fresh from a long bus trip straight to my nostrils.

My eyes teared up, my throat burned, and I slightly wretched for a moment as I reflexively turned my head away and down. Man, those guys were f--king vile.... total, all-encompassing BO so profound I gagged. A little piece of me died that day.


The nose knows. Grab a gas mask & go read the whole story.


posted by Harvey at 11:06:58 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


This little excerpt should be enough to get you over there.


White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan came walking by. "What makes someone a crazy loon like Kim Jong Il," Bush asked him.

"Well, when someone is a dictator, they often become mad with power."

"That a great idea!" Bush exclaimed, "I should become mad with power!"

"That wasn’t what I..."

"With all this presidential power, think of the havoc I can cause," Bush said, reveling the thought, "Quick, Scott, what's something you've always wanted."

Scott thought for a moment. "A job where I'm respected by my boss."

"That's the gayest thing I ever heard, Tubby," Bush laughed, "I guess I'll have to think of my own thing to do with my unlimited power!"

Bush looked out the window. "Have those protestors outside the front gates killed!"

"Those are well-wishers," Scott answered.

"Then have them thanked," Bush said as he stared at them evilly, "Muh ha ha ha!"


Of course, I'm probably wasting my time posting this. I mean, does anybody actually read my blog regularly and NOT also hit IMAO on a daily basis?

Speak up so I can go mad with power. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Or stay silent so I can go mad with humiliation: boo-hoo-hoo!


posted by Harvey at 10:55:55 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


In this week's New Blog Showcase, there's an entry that points out how relatively easy Air Force folk have it compared to the other branches of the armed services. No surprise there. I've known that for years. But then the moron goes on to claim that this is tatamount to discrimination. As in "just as bad as the racial segregation of the 50's" discrimination. Jed administers liberal doses of ClueBattage to explain both why the Air Force actually *does* have it a little easier, and why that's not a problem.


Anyone familiar with the military knows the Air Force always has the best amenities on their bases. But why should it extend into a war zone? The Air Force’s argument is that they only have 5000 troops in Iraq compared to the Army’s 130,000. The smaller size of their units allows them to provide a better “quality-of- life.” (Which brings up an interesting question: why does a service that comprises 22% of the military have only .001% of its units in Iraq during a war?)

Such arguments have the ring of segregation era reasoning rather than rational justifications. Are Air Force personnel more valuable than soldiers or Marines?

The Air Force always has better amenities because the Air Force places a higher emphasis on stardard-of-living issues, both at home and deployed.  It's a vicious cycle in that the troops get used to the amenities, and then the Air Force must provide them everywhere they go or morale will suffer.

The Air Force also has the benefit of having to deploy far fewer troops.  Though the Air Force comprises 22% of the armed forces, the Air Force doesn't need to deploy anywhere near the number of troops that the Army of Marines do to accomplish its basic mission.  It's the very nature of a service in which probably 95+% of the servicemembers are in a support role.  Plus, it's Iraq.  There's not a huge need for a combat air force.


Me, personally, I say that if you have to join the service (say, to avoid being drafted), go with the Navy, and get on an aircraft carrier. Why? Let's just say that out of 568 days at sea, I only saw one occasion where a food tray slid off the table due to rough seas. Not only that, but you're guaranteed 3 hots & a cot, no matter what. No sleeping in a fox hole for you. Sure, you don't have all the shore duty that Air Force folk get, but then those fly boys ain't gonna have nearly as much, uh, "international relations", either.


posted by Harvey at 10:48:57 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Stephen King that is. Hell, if he were running for the office, I'd vote for him. He's a damn fine tale-spinner. And now he's answered Jen's interview questions. My favorite?


Tell the truth, you really liked the Howard Dean thong, didn't you? And where can I get one?

I like thongs in general (I am a guy, after all), but consider this scenario –

You’ve gone to dinner, the movie, and finally, you’ve got her back to your place. A little kissing, a little touching, things are getting warmer and warmer, and you’re feeling lucky. She’s let you unbutton her blouse and her bra is a forgotten remnant hanging loosely by its straps. You place your hand on her knee, nudging her back on the couch with firm kisses. She moans lightly as you kiss her neck and cautiously slide your hand up her thigh. Her legs part, just a little, and you slide a little higher. You can feel her heat against your palm as you lightly touch her mound. You gently slip her knees apart and kiss your way down, unzipping her skirt and sliding it down. You kiss past the breasts, to the navel, across the sexy tummy. She lifts her hips to let you slip the skirt to the floor. You slide your hands around and feel her firm, bare buttocks – you can do that, she’s wearing a thong, you’ve discovered. You move a little lower and nuzzle her thighs. You open your eyes and look up to see the magnificent view offered from between her luscious legs and see “HOWARD DEAN FOR PRESIDENT!”

It’s enough to make Rob Smith’s Robotic Penis go soft.

Ask Howard Dean for one, if you want one. Preferably at a Press Conference.


The *only* bad part about this interview is that I have to follow it... [insert heavy Krusty the Clown sigh here]


posted by Harvey at 10:35:58 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Misguided Minion of the Puppy Blender (but still a swell gal) Venomous Kate struggles through her illness to provide some quality snarking over at her place. My favorite this week is AlphaPatriot's "Cry Me A Frickin' River", which is a lovely collection of jabs & body blows, attempting to knock sense into various news headlines. Take a peek.


posted by Harvey at 10:22:42 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



Love you... It's funny how two words can take up so little space on a piece of paper, but fill up ALL of the space in my heart.


posted by Harvey at 9:00:52 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Screw that peanut-butter-n-pistachio piece of crap. I got your "new color of money" right here.

(Hat tip to Joey of Single White Male for finding this one.)


posted by Harvey at 8:57:42 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

JUST A FEW HOURS LEFT... submit your interview questions for me to Jen. Go. Hurry. Midnight deadline. Why are you still reading this? No, don't answer that. No time. Just click the link & submit a question.

What question? I don't care! This post has some links to some suggestions. GO! I promise my blog will still be here when you get back.



posted by Harvey at 8:51:49 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


The following Alliance members were listed by the Bear as having voted this week:

IMAO (724 links) - 3331 visits/day V
Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love (195 links) - 3201 visits/day V
Misha (503 links) - 2860 visits/day V
annika's journal & poetry (121 links) - 239 visits/day V
Bad Money (134 links) - 208 visits/day V
Ramblings of Silver Blue (165 links) - 192 visits/day V
The Alliance (216 links) - 188 visits/day V
Anger Management (72 links) - 179 visits/day V
The Inscrutable American (63 links) - 172 visits/day V
Serenity's Journal (130 links) - 156 visits/day V
angelweave (138 links) - 156 visits/day V
Civilization Calls (31 links) - 106 visits/day V
Practical Penumbra (279 links) - 98 visits/day V
Irreconcilable Musings (329 links) - 89 visits/day V
Being American in T.O. (36 links) - 74 visits/day V
The S-Train Canvass (36 links) - 74 visits/day V
Judicious Asininity (83 links) - 63 visits/day V
The Everlasting Phelps (42 links) - 55 visits/day V
VRWC, Inc. (48 links) - 53 visits/day V
Curiosity (38 links) - 40 visits/day V
Simon World (33 links) - 35 visits/day V
physics geek (47 links) - 34 visits/day V
CandyUniverse (52 links) - 33 visits/day V
Who Tends The Fires (43 links) - 29 visits/day V (22 links) - 27 visits/day V
BLATHER REVIEW (66 links) - 27 visits/day V
See The Donkey (19 links) - 25 visits/day V
Not Quite Tea and Crumpets (32 links) - 24 visits/day V
Hypocrisy and Hypotheses (32 links) - 21 visits/day V
The Psychotic Rant (29 links) - 19 visits/day V
The Wise Man Says... (42 links) - 16 visits/day V
Cannon's Canon (22 links) - 15 visits/day V
Single White Male (12 links) - 15 visits/day V
Five Wasps (4 links) - 15 visits/day V
Hoppings of Roxette Bunny (29 links) - 13 visits/day V (15 links) - 12 visits/day V
Shameless Self-Promotion (18 links) - 11 visits/day V
Peripheral Mind (3 links) - 4 visits/day V
Interested-Participant (60 links) - visits/day V
Cannot find server (14 links) - visits/day V

Just wanted to say "thanks".


posted by Harvey at 8:39:07 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Sunday, October 26, 2003


An easy way to blogroll the Alliance membership.

A collection of Evil Glenn quotes from/about Alliance member blogs

A filthy lie from Heather

Assignment reminders and a way to get into the round-up, even if you can't think of a good answer to the questions:


Now, for those of you having difficulty with either assignment, there's still a way to get linkage. For your assignment post, simply use the following format:

"This assignment is too hard. An assignment that would be easier for me to complete would be..."


Hope this works. I'm running out of ideas :-)

Hey! Whaddya mean "yeah, we know"?


posted by Harvey at 11:54:40 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


You can still submit questions to Jen for my shocking and revealing interview until midnight Monday.

You did submit a question already, didn't you?

Geez, do I have to do everything myself? Look, here's a nice supply of questions for you. Pick one. Submit it.

Oh crap! That link goes to where?

I'm so gonna regret this.

Hey, look,...uh... just ignore everything after the word "Monday", ok?


posted by Harvey at 11:32:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Until Susie starts putting out the 42-point Arial pics again, I'll have to content myself with the visuals on the sidebar here.

God, I'm so shallow.




posted by Harvey at 11:08:13 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


There was a late entry in the New Blog Showcase. Appropos of Something, with "So not funny, it's funny. Or not." I'm giving him a vote for 2 reasons.

First, in the comments, someone points out that the Family Circus has changed over the years. The dad used to be a fat, abusive, alcoholic slob back in the 60's.

Second, Jess points out that Marmaduke is a remarkably un-funny comic. Which reminds me of a personal observation I've made before, although not on this blog. Take damn near any single-panel Marmaduke comic and re-caption it to read: "Holy shit! That's a big f***ing dog!". 

Almost every time, it's at least as funny as the original caption, and probably more so. Don't believe me? Try it yourself

With the daily (not Sunday) Garfield, the line: "Garfield, you are a fat, annoying piece of shit and I hate you." seems to be insertable at some point in almost every comic, and generally tends to improve the work in question.



posted by Harvey at 10:59:49 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Tuning Spork of Blather Review is so enthused about voting in the New Blog Showcase that he wrote a little song.

Hmmm... the tune is familiar, but those aren't the lyrics I remember.


posted by Harvey at 10:38:49 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


If you're a French cop, you shrug and let him go. Or so the Emperor informs me.

If you're me, though, you beat the worthless sack of shit to within an inch of his useless life and then spit in the empty eye-socket that you just gouged clean.

Or just feed him to my horse-dog, Jake. Whichever.


posted by Harvey at 10:31:40 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Dress 'em up funny and post their pictures with captions to create a story. It reminds me of one of my Filthy Lies, except these are completely un-Glenn-related, and they're actually funny.

Don't take my word for it. Take Trey Given's word for it. Or just go see for your own damn self. Here's Episode 1.


posted by Harvey at 10:23:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


... of putting this sticker on every damn machine at work. Thanks, American Digest!


posted by Harvey at 10:17:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


...with chocolate sauce & pickles, please. YUM! But enough about me. As you've probably heard, America's #1 pin-up girl will soon be America's #1 diaper-changing girl for the third time.

Now, being uterinely challenged, myself, I don't know squat about pregnancy. Well, maybe a little theory about how to get the ball rolling, but that's it. Anyway, I guess there are a lot of bothersome downsides to the whole gestation-period thingy. But according to Dana, there are some upsides to the process, too. At least during the winter:


Top Ten Advantages to Being Pregnant in Winter

10. Never having to shovel the walk.
9. Built-in heater!
8. Bulky sweaters help cover a bulky you.
7. You have a ready excuse to avoid any office parties or other holiday festivities that you know will bore you to tears. "Sorry, but we have our childbirth class that night. I'd really hate to fail THAT test!"
6. People will often take pity on your big, swollen, pathetic self and carry things for you.

You can find the rest at Note-It Posts.


posted by Harvey at 10:10:08 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


...For poetry that I have to think about as I read it in order to discover its subtle nuances. I found out via the Bartender that Heather wasn't just flipping through the dictionary at random to get her blog name. There's actually a mighty fine poem at the root of it. Here's a taste to make you want to go to Angelweave to finish it.



at nine o'clock the kilgore pub
holds its ritual service for the
evening flock. and one by one
we pile inside, form phalanxes
of thirsty souls who relinquish luck's
change barely spared from charon,
the landlord, and ex-wives. and
greedy eyes radarscope for fresher faces
and plead their novice rhetoric
to bartending juries.

and i thought i saw you watching me watch
you on the night when toothless harry made
snow angels on the window glass so
passersby might stop to chat. but all
they did was point and laugh and
inside we prayed to vodkagod and proffered
thanks for ice cubes and homes and
practiced restraint of wayward arms of
inner truth.



posted by Harvey at 10:01:40 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


The Bartender has a poll up at Willie's where you can vote for your favorite Ultimate Blogger Drink Recipe. Whatever you do, don't vote for my entry. That horrid thing is completely unpalatable and is only good as paint remover. Of course, if you want to give me a sympathy vote or two (once-a-day Chicago-style voting rules in effect), that'd be ok. I mean, don't I get style points for my excellent presentation?

Yeah, I know. The only reason it made the top ten is that I keep stuffing the Bartender's tip jar. Well, if you can't bribe your bartender, then who the hell can you bribe?

... whose last name isn't Kennedy, I mean.


posted by Harvey at 9:41:31 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Stupid Alzheimer's! Can't remember where I stumbled onto this site. I think she dropped by my comments, but I'm not positive. Anyway, I peeped around and found this amusing. Especially since Blogless Brother Roy, the Retired Navy Lifer, spent many years living in the South at various duty stations, and is now living in Florida. Jed & Lynn should enjoy this, too.


What's Your "Southern" Sign

I've been reading several southern bloggers (Acidman, The Dax Files, sugarmama) - don't know if they'd appreciate this, but I got it from a friend in Tucson.

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20):

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19):

Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20):

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - April 20):

You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.


Of course there's more. Why do you even have to ask?

She's at Diaryland, so there's not squat for permalinks, but Oct 2, CTRL+F "southern". Of course, in a few days, it's going to roll into the October Archives, which don't exist yet, but there'll be a link on the sidebar.

Also check out "Cheeto queen" Oct 16, CTRL+F "cheeto". It might remind you of someone you know at your own work place.

posted by Harvey at 9:32:06 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []




I was trying to figure out what Evil Glenn might be doing for Halloween, but apparently my comedic muse was at Madfish Willie's knocking back a few cold ones, because I just couldn't think of anything. As I was staring helplessly at a blank computer screen, the phone rang...


Evil Glenn: Hey currency freak, how's it going? *sip* [BELCH!] Excuse me! Poodles give me gas.


Harv: You sick bastard! Why don't you just leave me alone? I'm trying to blog here.


Evil Glenn: Indeed. Well, I just called to mock you and Frank J's feeble Alliance. I heard the League of Multiple Voters is going to kick your ass in the New Blog Showcase voting this week, and I just wanted to be the first to tell you how pathetic you guys are.


Harv: Yeah, well... uh... we've got... uh... a plan to... uh... fix that.


Evil Glenn: Oh? Do tell.


Harv: Well, it's kind of a rough draft at this point, but we were going to have them all dress as hobos & tell them you were having a costume party. I thought maybe you could lend us a hammer... a hand with that?


Evil Glenn: Well, the old Craftsman could use a workout... let me think about that one. Meanwhile, let me taunt you with my Halloween plans. Guess what my costume will be.


Harv: A puppy?


Evil Glenn: No, I might get blended by one of my minions. Too dangerous.


Harv: A hobo?


Evil Glenn: Similar problem, except without the blender.


Harv: Satan?


Evil Glenn: No, too inhumanly evil to appear in public. I'd likely be torn apart by an angry mob of decent God-fearing people.


Harv: A lawyer?


Evil Glenn: Ditto.


Harv: A penguin?


Evil Glenn: No. I'd be too aroused by the sight of myself to get any blogging done. I can't type one-handed.


Harv: A kangaroo?


Evil Glenn: Hey, that's a good idea! Plus, I might be able to get a little hot ewe action on the side as a bonus. But that's not what I was planning.


Harv: Naked Helen Thomas?


Evil Glenn: [YAAAARK!] EWWWW! What a horrid thought!... Hey, did you know poodles tastes just as good on the way up?


Harv: I really didn't need to hear that. How about Mao Tse Tung?


Evil Glenn: No, I don't want to get mistaken for a Democratic presidential  candidate.


Harv: Oh the hell with it! I give up! What's your costume gonna be?


Evil Glenn: No, come on, guess.


Harv: Up yours, Blender Boy. I don't have time for your stupid games. Just tell me.


Evil Glenn: Well, I was going to tell you, but since you're being such a prick, you'll just have to wait until Friday. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Indeed!




Harv: Filthy scum-sucking bottom feeder.



So, I still don't know what Evil White Glenn's Halloween costume is going to be, but I did receive an e-mail shortly afterwards:










And it had this picture attached.


But I'm not sure if it means anything.




posted by Harvey at 7:27:13 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



(per the Alliance HQ Precision Guided Humor Assignment)


Sure, Ted Kennedy is a bloated turd swimming around the cesspool that is the Democratic portion of the US Senate, but he's also a great man. "Great" in the sense of being horrendously large and flabby. Specifically, his misshapen gargoyle-like head. Nevertheless, I have learned something from his life, like the fact that there are exceptions to every rule. Here are some rules Ted proves by having them not apply to him:


Drunken Irishmen make great friends and are patriotic citizens.


Having affairs will make you the Democratic presidential nominee of choice


Being related to the Governor of California, even if only by marriage, gives you a certain aura of coolness.


Breaking the law repeatedly will land you in jail.


The electorate in your state will not forgive negligent homicide.


A US Senator's ass should not be too wide to fit in his seat.


Lying about the President will get you ClueBatted by patriotic bloggers.



No, wait... forget that last one. There's no exception to that.



posted by Harvey at 7:04:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


... at the hands of murdering Islamofascist scum, I'd hope that I could say something stirring and quotable before the final curtain came crashing down. Something like, "I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country." Or, if I have more time, something like what the Emperor laid down recently:


Well, you incredibly stupid little sand monkeys with a hard-on for little boys and pigs' assholes, let me spell it out for you in a way that might, conceivably, make it through the wall of massive ignorance that you've built around that rotting hoagie of porcine fecal matter that resides between your hairy ears, the part of you Assrumps for Allah that normal people refer to as /DEV/NULL:

Bring. It. On.

You and yours are DEAD, it's just a matter of time, and I pray that I'll be the one to look into the beady little eyes of the last one of you as he cowers on the ground, licking the soles of my boots, just before I squeeze off the last round in the war against Islamofascism and ventilate his useless pointed skull, sending him and his medieval ways off to the dustbin of history, covered in the fat of pigs.

And say "hi" to your Moon God from me. He'll be next, the impotent little son-of-a-syphilitic-sow.

You think he's going to help you?

You see, there's one thing that you snotnosed sand nits have utterly failed to learn. Your hero, that son of a diseased dog Osama bin Cave-Liner, didn't understand it either, because if he HAD, then he'd have never even THOUGHT about attacking us. What you don't understand is this:

When you strike us, we don't cower and run away. You may get a few of us, you may even get a LOT of us, but for every one of us you DO get, there'll be a thousand extremely pissed off Americans that will know neither rest nor peace until every last one of the camel felchers responsible has been put in the ground. Heard of Pearl Harbor?

Two words: Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Read the rest, and memorize it, just in case the need ever arises.


posted by Harvey at 6:55:22 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Sadly, most people do not yet know what a blog is. Someday, after enough things happen, that will change. Via Wizbang, I found a list of the important milestones along that path at BuzzMachine:


: When they make Page One of the New York Times. Check.
: When a character on a sitcom has one. Waiting.
: When somebody on a reality show has one. Surely.
: When a criminal on Law & Order confesses on one. Naw.
: When a pulp fiction criminal confesses on one. Surely.
: When a country singer sings about one. Inevitable.
: When The Daily Show mentions blogs. Check.

And yes, there's more. Go read them and maybe suggest a few of your own.

Oh, and stop by the Wizbang link to get Kevin's suggestion.


posted by Harvey at 6:46:32 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



The four most important words in any marriage... "I'll do the dishes."


posted by Harvey at 6:36:35 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I was ever so grateful to Susie for all her hard work at Alliance HQ, and for her endless supply of linky-love. So I decided to give her a lucky $2 bill... which is the only 6.25-inch gift I can give her without ruining my marriage.


posted by Harvey at 6:35:08 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Saturday, October 25, 2003



Via Susie, I found out that Serenity is a conservative, and she launches a wonderful ClueBatting on liberals who think that Conservatives are all heartless, mean and diabolical. Using herself for an excellent example, she points out that some Conservatives are thoughtful, kind, and generous.


But don't let her touchy-feely Neo-Con talk make you think that ALL conservatives are decent, sweet, wonderful people.


Me, I'm old-school. I'm mean & evil & greedy. I pile my money up in huge stacks and spend all day counting it. I enjoy keeping the poor down and desperate. If they were any good, they'd have money like me. Lazy bums!


I HATE sharing & LOVE hoarding. I'm covetous. I drive a big ol' truck (mostly to compensate for the "smaller" parts of my life). I pour gasoline on my lawn to kill plants, because killin' harmless things is just plain fun. I pollute the air because I like to SEE what I'm breathing. Land-rape is my favorite hobby (next to counting my huge piles of cash). I think the only good animal is a dead animal, which is reason enough for me to squish 'em with my pollution-truck (who needs bullets when you have a Ford?). Besides, if God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat.


And I love Nazis... no, wait... I guess it's just those leather jackboots that I find so appealing. They're great for stomping the less fortunate while laughing maniacally (MUAHAHAHAHA!)


Anyway, I just didn't want anyone thinking that all conservatives are as nice as Serenity. Some of us still believe in principle.


....'scuse me. I gotta go stomp a homeless guy.


posted by Harvey at 1:59:39 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


As I mentioned previously, the New Blog Showcase this week has turned into a left-right pissing-by-proxy contest between 2 politically-oriented entries. The Bear has always previously allowed multiple votes for the same entry:


The theory was that if a blogger really does mention the candidate post two or three times on their blog, then it means they feel stronger about the merit of the post than another blogger who only provides a single token link.


But he's changed his mind, since the system was being abused. And I think he did the right thing. I mean

Irreconcilable Musings: 210 votes

Hell for Haliburton: 73 votes

all from 42 and 24 blogs respectively? That's a little too Chicago. And it detracts from the purpose of the New Blog Showcase, which is to shower attention on new bloggers who could really use some encouragement.

I, for one, applaud the Bear's decision.


posted by Harvey at 1:23:29 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


So Don, of Anger Management, has this cute little story up at his place, describing how he "accidentally" ran over Miss Piggy and stood trial on Sesame Street for murder.

Oh, it's a wonderful story, full of great laughable lines, like when he asked his crappy lawyer, Cookie Monster, how much a good lawyer would cost him

“One, two, three…sorry, me can’t count that high.”

The whole thing is really funny, and I highly recommend that you read it, but be warned:

It's not true.

Sure, Miss Piggy got her Underwood spread all over the highway, and yes, Kermit played the part of the bereaved lover to the hilt ( “Piggy? Piggy?” It’s Kermit. “You killed Piggy, you [m*****f*****]!” Kermit charges me. I dive out of the way just in time to avoid a flying side kick.) , but that's only part of the story.

First, I was suspicious when Don mentioned a murder contract at the end of the story, which, conveniently, was how he beat the charges. Having watched enough Batman episodes, I know that brilliant master criminals like to drop little hints when they talk about their crimes. It makes them feel so clever to make a partial confession and not get caught. I decided to investigate my theory further. I hacked into Don's computer, and found this odd e-mail:


Pork chops tonight


Curiouser & curioser.

But having no hard evidence, I decided I should pursue the only intelligent course available. I went to Madfish Willie's to tip a few & think things over.

Nothing too unusual happening. Susie was in the corner, hitting on Daniel. I didn't catch the whole conversation, but it was something like "now that I'm a real woman, maybe you can come back to my place & I'll make you a real man."

Dana wasn't drinking tonight, due to her delicate condition, but she was working the beer tub. America's #1 pin-up girl, a thin cotton T-shirt, and being in close proximity to a tub of ice... now THAT's a winning combination.

I had just sat down with Frank J, who needed some cheering up because he thinks everybody hates him, when Kermit the Frog hopped in through the door.

Ya know, for someone who had just lost his most precious love, he was lookin' pretty damn chipper. He was singin', dancin', tellin' pig jokes & just generally carrying on, as he tossed back one amphibi-tini (standard martini recipe, substitute fly for olive) after another.

Sure, maybe he was just trying to kill the pain, but I don't think so. Tell me...


Maybe I can't prove it Don, but I think you're a cold-blooded muppet-contract-killer. I'll be keeping an eye on you.


posted by Harvey at 1:07:13 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Friday, October 24, 2003


Bill Whittle Ursula K. Le Guin Linda of Civilization Calls has posted an epic tale of Good and Evil, of Bars and Puppy-Blenders, of Emperors and Norse Gods...

...of tremendous length and even larger entertainment value.

Probably about 10-15 minutes or so. I was so enraptured that I lost sight of the clock. Try to find a block of uninterrupted time, because you don't want to have to look away from this one.

Oh, and you might want to do a quick mythology review before you go.



posted by Harvey at 10:31:41 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


...Matt O'Blackfive, has his interview up at Jen's place. All manner of mysteries have now been solved:


Why are you always getting Harvey and Madfish Willie in trouble?

I really like hanging out with those guys. They are a lot of fun but aren't too bright (well, Harvey is really bright but I think he just wants to be baaaadddd). I was always the kid that instigated trouble but never got caught.

If you could beat the living crap out of only one person, would it be MacDiva/JadeGold, Michael Moore, George Clooney, or the kid who stole your lunch (or lunch money) in the second grade, and why?

Alec Baldwin. Damn, I would love to just have a few minutes to pummel the crap out of him. Really. You know where I can find him?

But since he is not on the list, I would kick Michael Moore's fat ass because he is smart enough to sound logical to some people and that makes him more
dangerous than the others. MD/JG just needs attention. George Clooney is an Asshat but not as bad as MM.

As for the kid that stole my lunch in the second grade, well, no kid wanted my lunch. My mom was a hippie so I had all of the natural stuff. No cup
cakes or ho-ho's or fruit roll ups for me. All natural peanut butter. Blech!!! Couldn't even get a trade going!

So, is there any truth to the rumor that you are actually an immigrant French florist named Cinq Noir?

Mon dieu, sacre bleu! Quel abruti a posé cette question? Je battrai son âne!

Who would win between a French monkey and a North Korean monkey in an old fashioned monkey knife fight?

Easy question.

A North Korean monkey, while handicapped by having a poofy hair-do, would win easily because the French monkey would surrender and go back to making Renaults.


There's SO much more good stuff waiting for you. Including the answer to why he drinks 6 beers at once. Surprisingly, the answer is not:

"*hic* Irish *hic*"

which is what I would have expected.

And no, that wasn't my question.

Mine was the one about target shooting, which inspired Matt to go into "bloggers that Harv will never tell better stories than" mode and tell a really great story.


posted by Harvey at 10:19:20 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


So, did you send Jen a question for me yet? I mean, that last Love Note must have set you to wondering...


posted by Harvey at 10:07:41 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


J, of Quibbles & Bits, has a charming short tale of one knight's battle with the fearsome Blue Dragon. Just a couple minutes of your time and very entertaining.


posted by Harvey at 9:59:04 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Once again, I really wish I could borrow Vanderleun's brain. Over at American Digest, he has perhaps the best analogy I've ever heard for blogging. It's like brain jazz:


You never know what you're going to get, or which way the next person is going to bend the thread.

You're just there, in real time, and saying, really, whatever comes into your head.

Sometimes its flat, even more often predictable, and, yes, it can get really boring, just like a lot of modern jazz.

But still, there are times -- rarer now to be sure -- when the thing just takes off

And you find yourself thinking things you never thought you'd think and saying things you never planned to say to a lot of people who are coming right back at you, jamming harder and seeing if you can all somehow take it higher.


Naturally, I expect you to read the whole thing.

But his observation really struck a chord with me (no pun intended), because it applies so well to my blog life.

Frank J inspired me to start blogging with his hilarious sense of humor. Then he gave me a chance to shine with his permalink contest, which got me some notoriety, followed by the Blog War, which really kicked things up a few notches, as I told one filthy lie after another, which got the Bartender blogging, in the process of which he created a superb setting for some great stories & more filthy lies, and then he started up the Corner of the Bar Gang & the Corner of the Bar Babes, and set the stage for one of the biggest, bestest filthy lies ever.

Yeah, we're jammin'. Come groove with us, baby.


posted by Harvey at 9:54:13 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


As requested by the Bartender, Don of Anger Management submitted his story about his first drinking experience.

Which was the crappiest thing I've ever read.

However, Don immediately followed it with his tale about the night he drank Ann Coulter under the table.

Which is quite possibly the funniest damn thing I've ever read at Don's site, and that's saying something. So go check it out. Just keep in mind that Super-Atomic Drink Alert is in effect.

Oh, and if you're not familiar with Ann Coulter (and even if you are), Right Wing News has some of her best quotes to help you get a feel for the conservative uber-babe's personality.


posted by Harvey at 9:07:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


My entry for Madfish Willie's Ultimate Blogger Drink Recipe:

Equal portions of:

Blue Raspberry Vodka

190 Vodka

Peach Pucker

Combine ingredients in a glass, aiming for a nice money-green color. Garnish with a dollar-bill-bowtie:



posted by Harvey at 8:54:50 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



If you can't giggle, tickle, scream, laugh, run around the room naked, pour liqueur on each other and lick it off, tie each other down, have whipped cream fights, and dance and sing with each other, then you are having sex with the person too soon.


posted by Harvey at 7:53:05 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Presidential Fun Fact: George Washington had a Cheshire Cat named Roy.


posted by Harvey at 7:49:09 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


It's starting to look like this week is gonna be a left-right pissing contest between two politically-oriented entries at the NBS, and that's fine. But there was one entry I saw that was getting no votes. When I clicked the link & gave it a read, I honestly wondered why that was so. Granted, the post isn't about anything "heavy" or "important", but it's still gave me a really good vibe. It's light, sweet, innocent & cheerful. Just a little bit of "what I did this weekend" with a few gratuitous pictures thrown in for a splash of color. Reading it after some of those more dour entries lifted my spirits a bit, and it just.... felt... nice.

So I'm giving a vote to ATtheHEARTofIT for "Weekend: in Review", just for giving me something to smile about in this sad old world.

And how can you NOT love that tagline?:

-i am off; hope your day is a good one. a smiling Monday!


posted by Harvey at 7:41:16 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Earlier this week (twice, actually) a bunch of losers ran a denial of service attack on Hosting Matters. Pissed me right off. First, if you don't like someone's blog, you should make a better one yourself. Second, if you're not qualified to do so, then just hit the damn back button & don't give them your traffic.

Irreconcilable Musings has a NBS entry that discusses this topic, and even offers an idea for something you can do to keep a good blog from being knocked down again. That makes him a winner in my book. Or at least votable.

And just for fun, I'm going to give IM some Chicago-style bonus votes. Rumor has it the Bear's vote counter is a little wonky. Well, when in Rome...


posted by Harvey at 7:26:55 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


A triple shot of filthy lies.

A new filthy lie assignment for the upcoming holiday:

Voting in the new blog showcase is imperative because the Liberals are attacking. Failure to vote may become a bootable offense. And disparaging the boot remains a bootable offense.

posted by Harvey at 7:46:55 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Thursday, October 23, 2003


... with Blogless Brother Tom tonight, so nothing new until tomorrow night. Meanwhile, go congratulate Susie on her below-mentioned achievement. At the very least, drop an off-topic comment in this post. She's a wonderful gal. Go give her some love.


posted by Harvey at 6:48:29 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I was poking around the Ecosystem today, and saw this:


Congratulations to Susie on becoming a Mortal Human.

Of course, personally, I've always worshiped her as a goddess.


posted by Harvey at 6:42:48 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Jen Lars, despite being a Misguided Minion of the Puppy Blender empire, is doing a great service to the blogosphere by interviewing a long list of bloggers (see right sidebar "You ask, they answer"). My turn on the interview list is coming up shortly, and she's now accepting your questions for me until midnight Monday.

Her previous interviews can be found here, so you can see what questions other bloggers have been asked.

Or just check my "about me" post and see if there's anything you're nosy about. Oh, and there's the "who I look like" post, too.

And feel free to submit more than one question. There's gotta be something you want me to tell you about...



Ignore the crickets. Please send Jen a question for me to answer. Remember, they're anonymous, so I'll never know it was you asking.

And whatever you do, don't ask anything even vaguely related to sex, because that's just dirty, and my innocent mind refuses to ever play in the gutter.

... what are you snickering about? Just pipe down & submit your questions, already.




posted by Harvey at 6:28:32 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



If I received a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.


posted by Harvey at 6:07:28 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



Actually, men like me prefer to *ahem* lix.


posted by Harvey at 6:05:38 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I got this from one of my customers:


Why is a marriage like a tornado?

Because they both start out with a lot of blowing & sucking, and end up with you losing your house.



posted by Harvey at 7:45:23 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Since the blogless Beloved Wife is still, well, blogless, I'm posting this little ditty from the "forwarded a million times file":


Q. What does HMO stand for? 

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back
to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a
patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked
hard enough in the eyes.


Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer
will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These
doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer
accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's
drive away, and a diploma from a Third World country.


Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? 

A. No. Only those you need. 

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions? 

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.


Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? 

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.



Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I
tried the Generic   Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I

A. Poke yourself in the eye.



Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick? 

A. You really shouldn't do that.



Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle
my problem. Can a general   practitioner really perform a heart transplant
right in his office? 

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20
co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it. 



posted by Harvey at 7:33:42 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Apparently there's some controversy over cops transcribing interviews phonetically instead of taking it upon themselves to translate thug-speak into English. Via CotV #57, Joe Kelley has the details & it's an interesting read. Personally, I just LOVE this line:


It’s not the transcripts that make the speakers sound stupid, it’s their ignorance of the English language and proper dialect that makes them sound stupid.




posted by Harvey at 7:29:14 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Jacques Chirac's fate in the afterlife? J of Quibbles & Bits paints a delicious picture.



posted by Harvey at 7:19:34 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Day By Day. Go.


posted by Harvey at 6:55:55 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Matt O'Blackfive is hidden somewhere in these pictures from American Realpolitik. Can you find him?


posted by Harvey at 6:45:37 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


What lessons can we learn from the life of Ted Kennedy?

The great thing about Ted is that he's like Jesus in reverse. All you have to do is ask yourself "What Would Ted Do" and then don't do that.


posted by Harvey at 6:29:18 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


The results of the last 2 Alliance assignments:

What award would you give Michael Moore?


Write a witty tagline for Instapundit's blog

are here and here, respectively.


posted by Harvey at 12:46:54 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I'm a type A personality. I've got stuff to do, I'm on a mission, I want to do what needs to be done and then move right on to the next task on the list.

Apparently Trey Givens feels similarly, and has no patience with those who don't.


Can I get a "hallelujah"?


Uh, figuratively speaking, of course ;-)


posted by Harvey at 12:40:43 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I don't know how this happened, but his Imperial ClueBattiness (um, that's supposed to be an honorific), has honored me with a double-shot of linkage today.

Color me giddy :-)


posted by Harvey at 12:31:45 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Well, I'll be darned. I'm now the 27th most famous Harvey on Google.

Mom would've been proud.

Uh,.. on second thought, maybe it's better that she's not around to see this...


posted by Harvey at 12:24:03 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


J, of Quibbles & Bits, has a short, creepy tale of how childhood goes horribly wrong. It's a little more Harlan Ellison than Stephen King this time, and quite excellent:


An Invisible Friend

A boy's life is easy. Wake up, breakfast, school, play, dinner, homework, TV, bedtime. The endless cycle of the school age child, disrupted only by summer time and doctor's visits.

Until I come along.

Oh, I make myself known first to the child harmlessly. His open imagination makes it easy, and if his friends are few, all the better. I give him what he needs -- companionship, a playmate, and unqualified friendship. He sees in me what he sees in himself. That reflection may be a bright, shining mirror, in which case it soon fades as the child ages, as he becomes a teenager, then a man.

That always disappoints me, but I take solace in the few whose reflection is less bright. They have a dark streak.

They are the bad seed.


Naturally I encourage you to read the rest... with the lights on.

Tangentially, I can't help wondering if maybe this explains why Evil Glenn grew up to be a puppy-blending, hobo-murdering maniac.


posted by Harvey at 12:18:36 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


The Bartender is now collecting your "first time" drinking-related stories:


Remember the first drink you ever took? (With your parents doesn't count - sneaking out is where it's at!)

How about the first time you got drunk?...

The first bar you were ever in?...

The first bar you ever got thrown out of?...


Go tell him if it was good for you.

posted by Harvey at 12:12:01 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Recently, after not being in touch for a couple months due to his computer problems, I got together with my dear old blogless friend Kevin (my partner in crime, sometimes literally, since 8th grade). He asked me what I'd been up to lately, and I told him I was really busy blogging nowadays.

He was duly unimpressed.

Via Madfish Willie's, Parkway Rest Stop relates the conversation almost verbatim:


“You mentioned that you have a blog? Did you say ‘blog’ or ‘blob’?”

“It’s a ‘blog,’ not a ‘blob.’ It’s short for weblog?”

“Oh, and what is a weblog?”

“Weblogs are internet sites on which people write dated entries.”

“Oh, so lots of people write things on your blog?”

“No, I’m the only one who writes things there.”

“Are you the only person who has a blog?”

“No, lots of people have blogs. In fact, it is estimated that a couple million people have them.”

“And they all write things in them?”

“That’s correct.”

“Who reads the stuff?”

“It depends on the blog. Some bloggers …”

(Laughter) “Did you say ‘bloggers’?”

“Yeah, that’s what people who have a blog are called.”

“So, you’re a ‘blogger’?” (more laughter)


If you've ever tried to explain blogging to the uninitiated, you may find the rest of the conversation familiar as well.

Drink alert in effect.



posted by Harvey at 12:08:59 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Wednesday, October 22, 2003


I used to play coin-operated video games in the early 80's. A lot of them. It's where most of my paper route money went. I had a few favorites that I could usually get my initials on, and sometimes even for high score. On Donkey Kong, for example, I could usually break 70,000 (that third elevator level was always a bitch).

Thanks to Brian, I discovered that the 10-13 demographic is less than impressed with the toys of my misspent youth.

I. feel. so. old.


posted by Harvey at 11:59:28 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


The League of Socialists Liberals has this intriguing banner at their snake-pit:

They probably didn't intend to be so honest, but yes, the problem with liberals is that they think those bottom two items are "open to change".


posted by Harvey at 11:49:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


The League of Liberals wants to take a crack at sponsoring the New Blog Showcase. Well, it's always nice to have some new folks playing the game. As a blogwarming gift, I'm buying them all some nice T-shirts.


posted by Harvey at 11:37:04 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



I just read Daniel's interview at Deep Cover Agent, Code Name: Jen's place. Wow! No wonder I got knocked off Susie's cybercrush list. Heck, if I were a girl, I'd probably go for him myself.


Of course, if I were a girl, I'd be so busy jumping rope naked in front of a mirror that I probably wouldn't have time for cybercrushes.


posted by Harvey at 11:22:18 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



Susie recently got her 10,000th visitor. Congratulations, Susie!

And, I might add, you don't look a day over 8000.


posted by Harvey at 11:14:46 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



Heather made me an honorary member of the Gold Enclave of Privileged Capitalists. I'm gonna put that plaque right next to my $87 billion in graffiti currency.


But it leads me to a quandry:




Heather gets them and makes up a club to exclude them.


Misha gets them and takes up a club to bash them.


Daniel gets them and cuts their hearts out with a wooden spoon.


Matt gets them and deletes them.


I go around pissing on hippies and knocking them out of trees, but do I get any hate?




Doesn't anybody hate me?


I'm going to go pout now.


posted by Harvey at 11:08:33 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



Amid the gloom and travail of existence suddenly to behold a beautiful being... and as instantaneously to feel an overwhelming conviction, that with that fair form, our destinies must be entwined... this is love.


posted by Harvey at 9:58:53 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



A Streetcar Named Dollar


posted by Harvey at 9:53:39 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Ha! I FINALLY won something. In this case, Joey's question contest over at Single White Male. (Oct 21 CTRL+F "Jiminy")

Now he's having problems coming up with a blood-donating related question for his next contest. Leave suggestions in his comments.

Did I ever mention Joey's cool because he donates blood? I should, because he is & does.

posted by Harvey at 7:44:12 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Film at 11.

If you can't wait until 11, go to Frank's place NOW.

Well, actually, you might want to set your drink down & swallow first.


posted by Harvey at 7:30:21 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Tuesday, October 21, 2003


Don, of Anger Management is going to attempt stand-up comedy at a local open-mike night. I wish him the best of luck. Mostly because, if he's busy being funny on stage, he's not out-funnying me here in the blogosphere (like I need MORE competition).

But seriously, folks, he brings up a good point in an otherwise what-I-did-on-my-summer-vacation post:


I can't tell whether or not the material is funny. I think it is, but I guess you just can't tell until you present it.


Man, can I ever relate to that.

I deal with this problem all the time. For example, take my Glenn's Tagline post. The bicycle one had *me* laughing out loud. But I think that was mostly because I had a mental picture of Evil Glenn with a cruel sneer on his face, poking his finger in some helpless 10-year-old boy's chest while he says it. Also, the cadence, tone, and pauses are very important for making it work right. Trouble is, there's only so much you can do with punctuation. I try my best, but in the end, everyone makes their own soundtrack & video for the words I write. I'm betting it's nobody else's favorite on the list.

Um... somebody has read the list, right?

Anyway, the other problem with writing high-powered comedy like I do (and would SOMEBODY please back me up on that last part? Please?) is that in good humor, there's a certain degree of surprise that's required in order to make it funny. You have an innocent looking set-up that gently hints that humor is coming, then you have the surprise twist line after. The twist only works if it:

1) is not obvious

2) makes perfect sense if you think about it

So, in order to make yourself laugh, you have to surprise yourself with an non-obvious, yet perfectly sensible follow-up to your initial set-up. Unless you have multiple personality disorder, it's REALLY hard to sneak up on yourself like that.

But sometimes I do, and nothing makes me happier.

Except reading my comments and finding out that I snuck up on my readers, too.





posted by Harvey at 11:38:28 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Lynn writes intelligent, civil, insightful, thoughtful observations, as a rule. Then every once in a while, she'll pop off something like this that makes me wonder how much fun it'd be to go out drinking with her. On the topic of the recent denial of service attacks on Hosting Matters, she busts out with this sentence:


All it takes is one blogger saying something to P.O. some cowardly, fascist, anti-freedom, camel-screwing scum-bag and half the blogosphere goes down.


One of these days she's gonna drop an f-bomb & send me to the hospital with laugh-broken ribs.

You go, girl!


posted by Harvey at 11:04:05 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Over at Reflections in d minor, Lynn has some brilliant musings on the topic of trust and how people decide who is worthy of their trust. She goes on to relate this to whether old-media sources are any more trustworthy than blogs when it comes to gathering information:


I recall a brief conversation I had several years ago with a co-worker, about Dateline NBC. This woman was, frankly, not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I wouldn't have called her naive. In fact, she was in some ways quite a skeptic. I can't remember the conversation in detail. I used to watch Dateline occasionally but I had started to notice that there was little more to the show than scandal and sensationalism. When I voiced this observation my co-worker said that she watched it because she liked to stay "well-informed." Well, as usual, feeling some sort of moral imperative to educate the innocent and naive, I tried to explain to her that watching a show that is not informative cannot make one well-informed. I might as well have been speaking Greek. It was simply not within her power to grasp the possibility that a TV show billed as "news" might not be presenting useful and worthwhile information.

Most of the people I meet in "real-space" seem to share this same innocent trust in the news media. Oh, they might say that the media are biased but they still think that by watching the news on TV they are "well-informed." They are confident in their ability to think for themselves but it never occurs to them that ABC, CNN or whoever they're watching might be leaving out stuff they need to know. These people really need to be reading blogs.


She continues by pointing out that, when it comes to news sources, bigger is not always better, but that THAT concept is difficult for some people to grasp. And she ends with a question:


Sadly, I don't see this situation changing very much because, as I observed earlier, it's based on instinct. How does one go about changing the instincts of an entire culture?


My answer?

One mind at a time.

And bless Lynn's sweet heart for going after every mind she can reach with her blog.


posted by Harvey at 10:52:41 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


As I mentioned previously, Heather is reviewing a book by an arrogant, snooty bitch who tried to live just like one of those quaint working-po' folks. In the second half, she talks about the book and she's trying to be all nice & even-handed, and it's ok to read, but it was the same feeling I got watching The Matrix, kinda tapping my foot through all that "Mr. Anderson works in a cubicle farm" stuff, that, while interesting, wasn't really why I plopped down my eight bucks.

Ah, but eventually, I'm rewarded for my patience with Heather's equivalent of THE LOBBY SCENE:



Page 121: "Not to mention my worry that the Latinos might be hogging all the crap jobs and substandard housing for themselves, as they often do." Grr.

Page 127: Barbara basically asserts that a breathing, non-moving, non-functional slab of human cheese should make $11.77 an hour - a "living wage."

Page 129: I'm irritated that Barbara "needs" a furnished apartment. Really, one piece of furniture will suffice for a bit - bed/couch.

Page 140: Barbara rails that one of the furnished places at which she is looking does not come equipped with a microwave.

Page 147: "My watch battery ran out, and I had to spend $11 to get it replaced." (Emphasis mine). As Brian pointed out, she could have BOUGHT a new watch from Wal-Mart for far cheaper if she NEEDED the timepiece-on-wrist functionality.

Page 156: "I feel oppressed, too, by the mandatory gentility of the Wal-Mark culture." Feel isn't is, baby.


Not wanting to spoil it all, I left you the part where the elevator comes back down, so go hit her site.

"Feel isn't is, baby"

oooooh! That just gives me grinning shivers of joy :-)


posted by Harvey at 10:21:20 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I'm not sure why Owen isn't all over this one like junkyard dog on a hippy's ass, but I'll give him a hand here.

The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel has a cry-piece on how all these state workers are facing doom & tragedy because State budget cuts are going to force layoffs:


In a sign of the times, and a harbinger of things to come for many other state employees, Erickson lost her $18-an-hour job a few weeks ago [emphasis added]


So,... MANY state employees will soon become un-employees.

Yeah, maybe if they're Casper the Friendly F'n Ghost:


Only a few dozen permanent employees have been laid off so far, as state government got through the first round of job cuts by abolishing thousands of vacant posts [emphasis added]


Did you know Wisconsin was paying money for the privilege of having THOUSANDS OF VACANT POSTS?

What. The. F***?


posted by Harvey at 10:07:14 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Dana's innocent son is playing an innocent child's game on his innocent computer, and when this innocent little phrase comes out of the speaker, Dana, with her filthy little mind, has to go start thinking bad, bad thoughts. Shame on her!

Actually, Dana, if it's any consolation, I've got some non-ant-related software that uses the exact same phrase...



*lights cigarette*


posted by Harvey at 9:44:03 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Ya know, I remember back when Kevin used to get the Bonfire up before noon. I guess systematic combustion reactions are harder to wake up than you'd think.

This week, Kevin does his best job EVER in supplying a common theme to all the entries. Sure, he had to sacrifice a little wit to make the words work, but it DOeS look pretty.

Meanwhile, some folk need re-training on the meaning of the word "worst". Here's a hint, Jim: if you make me laugh, it's NOT your "worst" post.

Oh, and I see you in the corner snickering over there, Byran CTRL+F "zit" man. Don't think I didn't notice how much your post didn't suck. Geez. That's what the CARNIVAL is for.

Honestly. Is Patrick the only person who can make me yawn? Straighten up, people!


posted by Harvey at 9:32:00 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


The assignment:

Write a witty tagline for Instapundit's blog

"Humpin', Pumpin', Bare-Assed Penguins For The Masses"

"Fair. Balanced. Short. Repetitive. Indeed."

"Liking You, Linking You, Crashing Your Server"

"Serving Satan So You Don't Have To"

"I'm Not Really As Short As My Posts"

"Monopolizing The Internet Since August 2001"

"I'll Devour Your Soul"

"I AM The Blogosphere!"

"Yeah. I Stole Your Bicycle. So What? You Gonna Cry Now? Huh? Go On. Cry! Cry!... Ya Little Pussy."

"I'm Compensating For Something"

"Too Late. I Already Posted On That. Guess You'll Have To Find Another Topic Now. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Evil White Dancing Machine"

"Blogroll Me Or I'll Punch You, Too"

"Where America Turns For 5000 RPM Puppies"

Or my personal favorite:




posted by Harvey at 6:15:41 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



Warm like a summer's breeze

Soft as a night's whisper

Deep as the bluest sea

The fullness of love

Unbound and free

Shine on me in the night

With starlit glow

And mellow my day with your desires

That in my step I am light and free

And in my sleep I am content

And at rest...


posted by Harvey at 5:45:56 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


...With ratings now in the cellar, their formerly popular cable access program was soon cancelled. Amid the blame and fingerpointing, the comedy duo's relationship - once warm and close - deteriorated rapidly. Before their final split, the level of mistrust grew to the point where both he and Garth took to labeling their personal possessions.


posted by Harvey at 5:41:58 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Well, here's a fine little bit of breakfast. I went to post the New Blog Showcase results at Alliance HQ last night, and it looks like a third group is going to join the sponsorship fray. The League of Nations Liberals is a newly formed band of whatever that leans left and wants to get some attention by winning the NBS sponsorship privilege next week.


Go there once just to see who they think they are, and so you know who's in it so you don't accidentally visit one of those places again.

Then remember to vote in the New Blog Showcase. Geez, I'd rather see the Axis of Naughty win than this collection of bad news. At least the Axis is only pretend evil.


posted by Harvey at 6:28:50 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

HEATHER'S INTERVIEW up at DCA,CN: Jen's place. My favorite serious answer:


What would be your top three tips to lose weight?

It's a three-in-one. Cardiovascular training, strength training, and nutrition (note I don't say diet). Aim to lose one to two pounds a week, no more. In order to do this properly, you need to know your starting body fat percentage, which means a date with the loathsome calipers. Once you know that, though, you'll learn your maintenance calories. Cut 500 from those, and there's your plan. If you drop 500 a day, you'll drop a pound a week, basically. Exercise is gravy on top of that. The cardio will help you burn off some extra fat, and the strength training will ensure that your new body is taut and strong, not wiggly.

I've had excellent results with a medium carbohydrate, medium fat regimen. That's too simple, though. My carbs are mostly complex (fruits, veggies, and whole grains), and the fats primarily polyunsaturated and monosaturated; meaning few from animal fat and junk. Most of my fat comes from nuts, lean meat, and salad dressing (oil).

One more idea; don't drink your calories. No sugared soda. No alcohol while you're trying to lose. You can treat yourself every once in a while, but these items shouldn't be everyday things (that's what I mean by "no.")


Favorite non-serious answer:

What are the names of your neighbors' 10 gerbils?

Thyme, Coriander, Nutmeg, Cayenne, Basil, Oregano, Rosemary, Sage, Tumeric, and Bob.


Just go read it all.

And you can still get your questions in for Matt O'Blackfive until midnight Tuesday.


posted by Harvey at 12:07:15 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Monday, October 20, 2003



Blogging was kinda light Saturday night, but there was a good reason for that. I'd just sat down in front of my computer when the doorbell rang. I answered my door to find a kangaroo standing on my front porch...


Harv: ...Uh, may I help you?


Kangaroo: Yes, I'm Long Dong Hopalong. I'm here about the ad you placed on


Harv: Ad?


Kangaroo: Yes, the one that said, "Wanted: well-endowed marsupial for lead role in adult film. Some trans-species mating required."


Harv: I'm sorry, you must have the wrong address.


Kangaroo: Hmmm... let me check my notes... Oh! You're right. My mistake. Sorry to have bothered you.


... and he hopped away.


I was a little unnerved by the experience, but the blogosphere was calling, so I went back to my computer. I'd just sat back down when the doorbell rang again. This time it was a ewe decked out in leather boots and a red teddy.


Ewe: Hi. I'm Wicked Wooly Wanda. I'm here about the ad you placed on


Harv: You're not a marsupial.


Ewe: Not THAT ad, silly. I'm talking about the one that said, "Wanted: willing female ovine who can take it any way it's given. Some trans-species mating required."


Harv: I'm afraid there must be some sort of mistake. I didn't place any ad.


Ewe: Hmmm... that's possible. My brain IS the size of a walnut, so I tend to get things confused. Let me check my notes... Whoops! My b-a-a-a-d.


... and away she went.


I was deeply disturbed by these two incidents, so I spent the next couple hours sitting in the corner of my basement, rocking back and forth, mumbling, "this is not happening" over and over.


When the shock had worn off a bit, I decided to check out After clicking here and there, I finally found a link to "Evil Glenn Productions" and discovered the cause of the night's events. Apparently Evil Glenn had finished his Antarctic expedition and moved on to other projects. Right there under "Back Door Birdie" and "Tux & Sucks" was a promo for his latest film:


Evil Glenn Productions proudly presents:


Hoppin' & Humpin'


Starring Long Dong Hopalong and Wicked Wooly Wanda.




I'm too sickened to be outraged. Marauding Marsupials and Large Mammals deserve to roam the Ecosystem freely and not be seduced into a life of degradation serving Evil Glenn's filthy whims. This has to end NOW!




(Hat tip to Tiger for providing the source image which I first found, slightly modified for his own nefarious purposes, here)


posted by Harvey at 11:56:16 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Dammit, Barkeep, if you're going to e-mail me stuff like a link to an animated gif of W puttin' the whack-fist-smackdown on Saddam, you've GOT to include a drink alert.

You owe me a new keyboard.


posted by Harvey at 11:33:30 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Nothing makes me happier than to read someone's analysis of a situation that brings up a new angle on a familiar situation. I just LOVE that, "oh... of course... it seems so obvious now" feeling.

I got that recently from reading this piece at American Digest wherein he posits that the War on Terrorism (or The First Terrorist War, as he more aptly describes it) is really a war of two diametrically opposed religions:


The religion that Islam has engaged is a much younger one, the religion of Freedom.

As a religion Freedom has been gaining converts since the success of the American Revolution enabled it to go forth and be preached to the world. Freedom is easily the most popular of the new religions and historically converts nearly 100% of all populations in which it is allowed to take firm root. This is the religion which we have lately brought to Iraq.

The genius of the religion of Freedom is that it allows all other religions, from the venerable to the trivial, to exist without fear of censure or destruction. Indeed, the only thing that the religion of Freedom firmly forbids is the destruction of Freedom itself. "Thou shalt not destroy Freedom" seems to be the only commandment. And Freedom has been shown to resist efforts to destroy it in the most ferocious way. It’s enemies would do well to ponder the fate of previous attempts to do so.


Sheer. F'n. Brilliance.

Wish I could borrow Vanderleun's brain for a little while. Just think of the Filthy Lies I could tell... *sigh*

Bah. Enough daydreamin'. Go read the rest of it.


posted by Harvey at 11:16:04 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Wow! 1.21 Gigawatts!

No... wait... make that 5.44 Gigabits per second.

Either way, I'm impressed, and I have to agree with Jed: I want it... now.


posted by Harvey at 11:05:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Ok, so the REAL reason I've been sleeping on the couch is that Matt told my wife that I was in the titty bar with him, as payback for me telling Frank and Misha about him giving dancing-dollars to the Puppy Blender in drag.

Anyway, I'm still too drunk to tell this story. Go ask the Bartender. If for no other reason than to get that mental picture of Serenity's "assets".


posted by Harvey at 11:00:31 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



In order to answer the Alliance's Precision Guided Humor assignment question:


What award would you give Michael Moore?


I decided it to see what awards he already had before I started handing out any new ones. So I snuck into his house and had a look around. I found a few that you would expect him to have:


California Liar's Club "Filthy Liar of the Year Award"


The McDonald's "Burgermeister Award for Conspicuous Pig-like Overeating"


NAACP's "Stupid White Man Award"


and France's coveted "Medal of Odor"


Upon further investigation, I also found an entire shelf labeled "Ficticious Awards" which contained:


The Academy Award for Best Documentary


#1 on Mr. Blackwell's "Best Dressed List"


American Haberdasher's Association "Snazziest Hat Award"


Weight Watchers' "Dieter of the Year"


Gilette's "Cleanest Shave Award"


Dial Soap's "Health & Hygiene Award"


The National Rifle Association's "Second Amendment Freedom Trophy"


Republican National Comittee's "Conservative of the Year Award"


and the Nobel Prize for Literature.


I was so disgusted by what I found that I decided he needed one more award. So, I hunted around the premises until I found him outside pleasuring himself to barnyard porn, and I gave him the ClueBall Award.


What's that?


That's where I take my ClueBat and smack his fat head clean over the fence.


Going... Going... Going... GONE!


No! Wait! Fan interference!


Damn. Oh well. Just wait 'till next year.


posted by Harvey at 8:59:32 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



Oh my sweet darling! For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive and heaven has been brought to me.


posted by Harvey at 8:39:33 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Ya know, the name "Counterfeits by Carl" used to mean something. I swear, he's not even trying any more.


posted by Harvey at 8:36:53 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Sunday, October 19, 2003


American Digest posted a poem that is, in part, about fixing a broken truck (although that's not really the main point of the poem). I'm dedicating this one to my Blogless Nephew Mike, with whom I once spent a delightful weekend replacing the engine of a 27 foot flat-bed tow truck.

In my driveway.

Without sleep.

Or a shower.

And I wouldn't have missed it for the world.


posted by Harvey at 11:20:48 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Kevin of Wizbang may be a misguided minion of the Axis of Naughty, but he's nevertheless a kind and generous human being. As proof, I offer that fact that he is offering to help people get a spiffy Movable Type blog with no monthly hosting fee. You do have to register a domain, which will run you some single digit dollar amount annually, but otherwise no cost to you. Plus Kevin (and many other generous bloggers) are very happy to help with technical assistance before, during, and after the transition.

You have nothing to lose except your broken permalinks.

You listening, Joey?


posted by Harvey at 10:52:26 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I was breezing around Heather's blog recently, and she gave a hearty recommendation to Trey Givens' blog. I checked the place out and liked what I saw. Good sense of humor, sensible political leanings... so I think, "hey, maybe he's actually an Objectivist, too." So I look around for an "about me" post.

Hmmm... nothing in the sidebar. Let's check the archives...

There I find his "111 Things About Me" post.

Oh, crap. This is that post that I thought was such a horrible entry in the New Blog Showcase recently. How embarrassing.

Anyway, yes, he is an Objectivist, so I was right. And he's getting blogrolled because he makes me smile. And because I like Objectivists (if you beg me, I'll post on that topic some day).

Here's a good place to start for checking out his blog:


From Laughter to Fury


I was highly amused by the Pamela Anderson story and now I read this:

CNN: Taipei tower takes height record

Indeed, one future contender to unseat the Taipei 101 from its position as the world's tallest building is the proposed Freedom Tower, designed to replace the WTC.

Although that has yet to get the go-ahead, many New Yorkers say they do not want the tower to be built in their city fearing it will prove a target for future attacks.

Insert F-bomb where you see appropriate. You have got to be kidding me.

I visited New York in December 2001 and I refused to go to "Ground Zero." Why? Because it hurt. Because I refused to observe the destruction that those craven maniacs leveled on the city and nation to which I often refer as "the bright white-hot center of human civilization." I have no care or desire to see anything like that any more than I care to see the work of a serial killer.

Now, I'm telling you Americans and especially you New Yorkers who have allowed this fear to give you pause or even caused you to stop. Move. Move now. Go somewhere that will keep you "safe." Go somewhere that has buildings that are low to the ground. Go somewhere that won’t let you have a gun for fear you’ll put your eye out. Go somewhere that will birth you, raise you, and bury you without asking the question whether or not you’re worth the trouble.

I ask those of you who fear another 9/11/2001: Where is your self-respect; your pride?

Hear me now: I am an American and my people do not cower. We are not timid. We are not stopped by threats. We do not turn the other cheek and we do not stop building skyscrapers because of terrorists.

I am so furious about this obscenity that I've actually lost the ability to express it in words. I just keep hearing those two words over and over in my head and imagine the shame that those people should feel.

Let's Roll.


Lots more where that came from.


posted by Harvey at 10:27:15 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


So, Susie, if I offer to pet you, will I get slapped, or put back on your list?

Mmmm... petting.


posted by Harvey at 9:58:39 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


What do you get when you ask a Berkeley sociology prof why W is so popular among the working class despite hard economic conditions?

A load of crap.

Fortunately, Jed, of Boots & Sabers, is here to help clarify her idiot ramblings:


1. It's not about the economy.
2. It's not about the economy.
3. It's not about the economy.
4. It's not about Bush hiding economic indicators from the public.
5. It's not about "strict father" v. "nurturing parent" models.
6. It's not about using the Iraq war as a substitute for losing white champs in football, basketball and boxing.
7. It's not about speaking "to a working man's lost pride and his fear of the future by offering an image of fearlessness."
8. Did I mention that it's not about the economy?


More clarification available in Jed's post.

posted by Harvey at 9:53:31 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


My still currently blogless Beloved Wife sent me this in order to clear up some "marital miscommunications". May it help men everywhere get back to sleeping (& etc.) in the bedroom.



This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they
are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe
how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the trash,
so it's an even trade.
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing"
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to
turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care"
You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes,
followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean
that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and
she will stay content.
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make
to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and
hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in
conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some
mighty big trouble.
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for
doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance
with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint!! Just say you're welcome.
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A
Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you
have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the
"Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"


Now can I come to bed, honey?


posted by Harvey at 9:47:19 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Know what I had for breakfast this morning? NOT A GOD DAMNED THING!

Know why? Because I attended public school in Wisconsin, and starving every morning just became a habit that I can't break. It's more addictive than Oxycontin, I tells ya.

Fortunately, Wisconsin's wise and generous (with other people's money) governor, Jim Doyle is getting ready to stop the horror. He wants to make providing breakfasts MANDATORY at every Wisconsin school, public and private. Not just because he's wise and generous. No. It's because:


"This is a moral issue," Doyle said at Maywood Elementary School in a Madison suburb. "More than half of our schools are turning down the federal money and telling the kids they're on their own."


Owen, of Boots & Sabers, takes this pathetic socialist down a few notches:


First, school breakfast programs are completely ridiculous. It is the absolute least expensive meal of the day. We feed 4 kids a day. Some days we have oatmeal. Some days we have cheerios. Some days we have toast. On average, it costs about 15 cents per day per kid. That’s about $4.20 per week. Anyone who can’t afford that certainly shouldn’t have had kids in the first place. Furthermore, the folks who claim that they don’t have time are just neglectful.

Second, even if you can convince me that school breakfast programs are a good thing in lowerclass schools (which you can’t), there’s not way in hell that you can convince me that people in middle or upper class schools need them. There’s no reason in the world that a family making $100k a year can’t feed their own kids breakfast.

Third, contrary to Doyle’s assertion, not having a school breakfast program is not “telling kids they’re on their own.” It’s telling parents to take care of their own kids. It’s also telling kids to look to their parents for their needs rather than to the school. Neither of these things are bad things.


There's seven more reasons where those came from. Personally, I thought #8 was phrased particularly well.


posted by Harvey at 9:37:01 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Tired of stuffing socks & sausages down your pants to achieve that "manly" look? Put away the laundry & deli products because now there's the push-up thong for men. Give your package the boost it needs & impress the ladies without the underwear spiders.

(Hat tip to Sketches of Strain for pointing out that these things exist)


posted by Harvey at 9:21:48 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



"Where's home for you?" a stranger asked a fellow traveler. "Wherever she is", came the reply, as the man pointed at his wife.


posted by Harvey at 7:10:14 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



Hillbilly wedding present.


posted by Harvey at 7:07:46 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Saturday, October 18, 2003



For hearing my thoughts, understanding my dreams and being my best friend... For filling my life with joy and loving me without end... I do.

posted by Harvey at 10:54:11 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Funny. I always blamed the dryer for eating my socks. J, of Quibbles and Bits, suggests that I may, perhaps, have been mistaken.


posted by Harvey at 5:12:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Lynn of Reflections in d minor notes the passing of the latest resolution at the UN in support of Iraqi reconstruction, and makes the following prediction:


My prediction: Progress in Iraq will continue in spite of any complications the UN manages to cause. News reports from Big Media will turn a little bit more positive BUT they will credit the UN with "turning the situation around" or words to that effect.


It's a stomach-churning thought, but I've got a horrid, sinking feeling that she nailed this one.


posted by Harvey at 5:09:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Found this one in the Champagne Room at Madfish Willie's.

Online Orgasm.

Need I say more?


posted by Harvey at 5:05:44 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


When I was in high school, you really couldn't tell much about a person by their jewelry. The one notable exception was earrings on guys. One on the left meant you liked head-banging rock & roll. One on the right meant you were gay. One in each meant you were spending too much on jewelry.

Jed, of Boots and Sabers, points out the fact that the significance of bodily decoration has changed somewhat over the years:


A new trend, which has some parents and school officials concerned and may very well shock others, has surfaced in Marion County. The newest twist on Truth or Dare, the game involves wearing colored rubber bracelets, which have various meanings, some sexual.

Students break the bracelets off one another and then are supposedly entitled to specific acts, some as innocent as a hug, others sexually explicit.


Students say the bracelets, and their hidden meanings, became popular during the last school year. Inside classrooms and hallways, students -- boys and girls -- would grab at each other's bracelets, hoping to snap one off.

Though there is talk of Web sites providing codes, the various meanings behind the bracelets apparently are devised by students and have no consistency. However, some of the meanings may come as a surprise to parents. One e-mail from a teacher concerning the sixth-grade code stated that a red bracelet stands for a "lap dance" while a blue one symbolized oral sex.


Hmmm... have to check Susie's wrist next time I see her at Willie's.



posted by Harvey at 4:59:05 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I don't dare play my wife in Boggle anymore. Mostly because I suck and she's the Boggle Queen. Something about her mental configuration lets her pluck disjointed geometric anagrams off those dice like a robin feasting at a worm farm.

I'm just not wired that way. To me, words are what they mean. They are the concept they represent. Doing well at Boggle requires you to think of words as a collection of letters with absolutely no regard to definition. I just can't make the switch.

Scrabble's even worse. Besides the fact that I can't anagram to save my life, now there's STRATEGY involved. Hitting the double letter score while not leaving your opponent any chance at the coveted triple word score.

UGH! Make brain hurt!

But I guess some people are good at Scrabble. Like Newman of Newmanisms. He likes to brag about how he'll "own you" if you're unlucky enough to be sitting across the board from him (via COTV #56). In my case, he's probably right. Especially because I don't like to toss out words unless I'm POSITIVE that they're acceptable. Any doubts, and I'll got to my backup plan ("look, I made "at". There's 2 points. IN YOUR FACE!). I definitely wouldn't experiment with iffy words like JAZZED.

I'm just grateful that "dictionary rules" don't apply to blogging. I'd be ejected from the game on damn near every post. Hell, my tag-line even uses the phrase, "off-the-wallery". Thanks to having watched all 7 seasons of Buffy, I now make up more words, more often, than Shakespeare on crystal meth.

The trick to doing it properly is knowing your context and your audience. Newman's roommate was actually wrong about the definition of jazzed. It means being excited or enthusiastic. But technically, it is still slang, and thus unscrabbleable.

Newman's definition of "dictionaried" isn't quite tenable either. It's silly to describe it as "wearing a dictionary on your head", since no one ever does that. Well, except Newman, but he's still an ok guy.

I can, however, imagine a legitimate, if slangy, use for "dictionaried". Objectivists (and sometimes conservatives, too) win arguments by being able to define their terms and use words with precision. Socialists lose arguments when they lose the opportunity to use words as floating, generalized abstractions that mean whatever is convenient at the time. So let's say an Objectivist, like Don, is arguing with a Socialist, like Howard Dean. Dean blathers some tripe, and Don challenges him to define his terms. Dean splutters, mumbles, gives up, and then, in a fit of frustration, challenges Don to define his terms. Don does so with laser accuracy, and gives Dean a thorough intellectual ClueBatting.

When asked later about how the discussion went, it would be perfectly sensible for Don to say something like. "The moron asked me to define my terms, so I dictionaried his ass until he ran out of the room, crying."

Not that this helps me play Scrabble any better. Which brings me to my point:

Don't play my wife in Scrabble. She'll dictionary your ass.


posted by Harvey at 4:45:43 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Joey, over at Single White Male, has another question contest going. (October 13, CTRL+F "species" if PAB) I seem to have been elimated last time on a technicality, i.e. not dying after my last words. Hmph! Nitpicker.

This time I think I have all the bases covered. Here's his question:


You're cleaning out your attic when you discover a new species of bugs. What's it look like? What will you name it? Why?


I answered thusly:


Well, last time I spotted a new species of bug in my attic (which seems to happen a lot lately), it looked a lot like Jiminy Cricket, except it was wearing a beret and a striped shirt. Also, it had nasty, scraggly tufts of hair growing out of its nose and ears, and it stank like a combination of skunk juice and rotting meat. I named him Jacques, because, he seemed so... well, French.


Yeah, it sucks, but at least I hit all the requirements this time. Go enter yourself if you think you can do better. Contest ends midnight Sunday.

Prize is a dollar.

MY dollar.

Stay away from it! MINE! MINE! MINE!


posted by Harvey at 3:47:28 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


She Who Will Be Obeyed has a nice piece summarizing a lot of good reasons to throw your support behind Israel when choosing sides in the Mid-East conflicts. If you're new to the subject, this makes a pretty good starting point. You can do more research if you want, but you'll probably reach the same conclusion that Beth does.

On the other hand, Hypocrisy & Hypotheses has this snickerful little piece about men killing time while shopping. The author's boy has a nice line at the end, and bras make me giggle, so I recommend this one, too.

Like they say in Chicago, vote early & often.




posted by Harvey at 3:31:49 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Friday, October 17, 2003



I've been thinking how hungry my mind and body are for you... and it's time for food for my thoughts...


posted by Harvey at 10:57:20 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



From "Environmentalist Wackoism for Dummies" page 37:

"Conservatives and their cabal of Vast Right Wing Conspirators would like nothing better than to destroy every ecosystem on earth!!! Every newly extincted species just means more money for their oppressive corporate polluter hegemony!!! This picture is ABSOLUTE, UNDENIABLE PROOF that George W. Bush will not stop his junta of devastation until EVERY LAST TRACE OF GREEN is erased!!! SAVE THE GREEN!!! VOTE NADER NOW!!!"


posted by Harvey at 10:53:54 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


This one just tickles me:


(On Screen via long range sensors): Oh, dear; it seems as if we've won the war but are losing the peace... in Europe, in 1946. Jessica's Well makes a magnificent discovery: an issue of Life Magazine published in January of 1946 which contains articles about how badly things are going in Europe in the aftermath of the war. This was about seven months after V-E day, and about five months after V-J day and the end of the war. That's just about where we are now relative to the end of major combat operations in Iraq, and the article sounds uncannily like much of the negative reporting we're seeing now from Iraq. One could take that article and replace "European" with "Iraqi" and "Nazi" with "Baathist" and "Hitler" with "Saddam" and it would sound like it had come out of the NYTimes in the last week.


There's still a little more to read, so go ahead.

Oh, and for those of you familiar with the term "Den Bestian", I should add that I mean "little" literally. The rest of it is only about as long as the part I posted.


posted by Harvey at 10:39:25 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


One of my old high school chess club buddies (currently blogless, and without a preferred nickname, although he may certainly leave one in the comments) is now a Psychology professor at a small mid-western college. He informed me that he recently gave a test in one of his classes:


I gave a test to a couple sections of PSYC 101 General Psychology today. I always like to have some fun with the wrong answers on my multiple choice tests, and on this one I listed "c) Appomattox cortex" as one of the options for a question about where long term memories were stored. I actually got 5 students (7%) to choose it. Probably sounded kinda familiar...


Maybe we should just call him "Doc Evil".


posted by Harvey at 10:32:04 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


As I was breezing through this week's Carnival of the Vanities, I came across this story from.Mike Finley about how he finally confronted his tormentor during his 15th high school reunion.

Now, I was quite the geek in high school, but for the most part people were kind enough to make fun of me behind my back, out of earshot. I did get some minor bullying thrown my way, but there were plenty of weaker dogs to kick, so I was spared the worst of it. Nevertheless, I can relate to the misery & humiliation that getting bullied engenders.

As I read this piece, things were going along normally enough, and I was expecting that it would soon conclude with a crescendo of sweet revenge.

Then the story stepped off a cliff and plunged into the Twilight Zone. I would NEVER have seen this one coming.

It's probably about a 10 minute read, but well worth the time. It'll shake you up a bit. Go see what I mean.


posted by Harvey at 10:24:03 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Deep Cover Agent, Codename: Jen has posted an interview with Frank J. of IMAO. Heather's next.

Also, questions are currently being accepted for Daniel of DFMoore.

Who, apparently, has replaced me on Susie's cybercrush list. *sniff*


posted by Harvey at 10:05:34 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


So I was sittin' in the corner of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, (as I do most nights in order to fulfill my duties as a member of the Corner of the Bar Gang), gettin' sailorifically drunk, when it occurred to me that I had no idea how I was getting home. Heck, I could barely even remember how I'd gotten there in the first place. And I was way too scared to call my wife, since I'm pretty sure Willie's is somewhere in Texas, and I knew the Mrs. wouldn't be pleased havin' to come 1200 miles to pick me up.

I voiced my concern to the Bartender, who calmed my fears...

Bartender: Relax, Harv. See that map over there?

Harv: Over where?

Bartender: On the side of the blog.

Harv: Looks like it's on the bottom to me.

Bartender: Geez your browser sucks. Well, wherever it's showing up, it's that thing that says "View Guest Map" under the Chief Wiggles Toys button.

Harv: Where's that?

Bartender: Under the Front Line Voices button.

Harv: Uh huh... and I would find that...?

Bartender: Under the Alliance logo.

Harv: Birdie!

Bartender: Yes, my saucified friend, it's a birdie. Now, remember when I had you click on the map and put in all that information when you first came in?

Harv: Um... no, not really. Let me go check Matt's arm.

Bartender: Nevermind that. Just look at the map. See that little guy standing in Wisconsin? That's where you live.

Harv: Hey, he looks just like Michael Gross, the father from Family Ties.

Bartender: You know, I'll bet you hear that a lot. Just usually not from yourself.

Harv: Handsome devil.

Bartender: Look, Harv, if I roll my eyes one more time I'm gonna sprain my sclera. Now just listen. Susie's pretty sober, and she can give you a ride home.

Harv: But she lives in Indiana. Why don't I catch a ride back with Matt? He lives in... uh... that one state... with those ursine-related sports teams...

Bartender: First [SLAP!] That's for being stupid enough to even THINK about passing up a chance to spend quality time with the sweetest woman in the blogosphere. Second, Matt's still in the corner mumbling "95 years" over & over again. If he were any drunker, I'd have to cut him off... to 5 beers at once.

Harv: Ok. You win. Susie, can you take me home?

Susie: Sure, sweetie. Follow me.

Harv: Susie?

Susie: Yes, Harv?

Harv: Has anyone ever told you that you've got a really nice rack?

Susie: [SLAP!]

Harv: I'll take that as a "yes". Mmmmm... discipline.


The trip home was a blur, but when I woke up on my lawn this morning I was ok. Except, of course, for a miserable hangover... and the fact that I was wearing nothing but a No Tree Huggers Logo Thong that I had gotten from... somewhere.

Oh, and those odd little whip marks across my ass.


posted by Harvey at 9:47:19 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Thanks to The Bartender for pointing me to this piece from Evil Pundit of Doom on how to crush comment spam. It's still not a problem I have (my problem is getting comments in the first place), but I mention this for those who might find it useful.


posted by Harvey at 8:33:29 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Many years ago (probably about 23 of them), Blogless Brother Tom handed me this book called "The Stand" by some guy named Stephen King. Always an avid reader, but not really trusting my brother's taste in literature, I decided to give it a try. After a page and a half, I was pretty well bored. Gas station... Texas... *yawn*. Then the car hit the pumps and I was hooked. I averaged over 100 pages a day until I finished it.

Since then I've read pretty much everything King has written, and thoroughly enjoyed at least 90% of it. I like his novels better, but most of his short stories are pretty darn good, too. They have a certain sharp, creepy texture to them that's habit forming.

J, over at Quibbles & Bits has an intriguing vignette that reminds me of something that might have appeared in Night Shift. It's a bit short to excerpt, and, since it twists in the middle, a taste wouldn't do much good anyway. Just go over to his place & check it out.


posted by Harvey at 8:28:52 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I don't follow Margaret Cho's adventures. Apparently she's a comedienne of some sort. I seem to recall her being more or less amusing on some Comedy Central stand-up thingy when I saw her many years ago.

Looks like she's actually just another Hollywood dipstick who could use a nice hot cup of shut the f*** up, as indicated by her opinion of Christopher Columbus:


I have been to that island [Where Columbus landed], and will never return, because there is not a moment where I don't feel the pain and the madness, because the ground is soaked with blood, the air is angry and whips around me like a howling ghost, the rain comes down hard to wash the memory of the dead away, but they cannot leave, because the original owners of the property have yet to receive payment even after the FINAL NOTICE remains long overdue. They rage at me, for they can see I know better, that I know to not go there, not to walk over the silver coins scattered on the ground, the Monopoly money left by the crew of the Chris and the Round World Posse, an injurious insult to the body count that can never be tallied because it is too high. Margaret Cho BLOG


God she's stupid.

And I'm at a loss for words to describe it.

Fortunately, American Digest has the long version, which reads, in part:

Whew! A normal person might assume that Ms. Cho is diving into the Betty Ford before signing a five year contract with Hollywood Squares. But we see it differently.

It is clear to us that Ms. Cho is channeling the late William Burroughs.

Burroughs perfected the writing technique of cutting up newspapers, pasting the strips back in random order, and recording what these prophecies of our modern era told him.

Ms. Cho has taken Burroughs’ technique one step further by eliminating the newspaper and just cutting her mind into strips, hitting the randomize button on her history filter, and spewing the result directly into the web. A brilliant innovation sure to be copied by many in the very near future.


Go read the rest. I especially liked his Dennis Miller reference.



posted by Harvey at 8:13:30 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


In the comments to SilverBlue's delightful answer to the PGH Assignment question:

What award would you give Michael Moore?

Fritz, of On The Fritz, makes a generous offer of his Photoshopping skills:


I made a Michael Moore bobblehead that I'm quite proud of:

People keep sending me e-mail messages asking where they can buy one.

If people come up with some good awards, let me know. I'll whip up some statuettes and plaques in Photoshop -- I'm imagining a "crystal insertable" of some sort. Perhaps a solid brass asshat?


If you think this might help you complete your assignment, or even just add that special finishing touch, drop him a line.


posted by Harvey at 7:58:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I'm not an expert on the rights & wrongs of blogging, but I've picked up a few things here & there. Like:

When possible, link to the post & not to the blog.

Give a link to the person who pointed you to something cool.

Stay on topic in other bloggers' comments, and, if you MUST post off-topic, offer an apology and/or explanation.

Don't be a troll. If you don't like something, hit the back button.

If you link to a Blogspotter, mention a posting date & CTRL+F keyword so others can find the post if permalinks are blogspotted.

There's another issue that comes up from time to time: bandwidth theft. Stephen Den Beste has posted on this topic, and it's something that pisses him off. Being geek-impaired, I didn't really understand why.

Enter Lynn, who, though claiming to be somewhat geek-impaired herself, offers an excellent primer on the topic. What bandwidth theft is, why it's bad, and how not to do it. I'll give you the "not doing it section":


So what should you do if you see a picture you want to use? Well, first of all you should ask permission unless it's one of those sites that specifically offer "free graphics." Then, with permission, point to the image and right-click, select "Save Picture As..." from the pop-up menu. The usual dialog box will appear allowing you to save the picture to your hard drive. Be sure to remember the filename and which folder you put it in so you will be able to find it again. Next, upload the image to your server just as you would any other file. The specific instructions will differ depending on what upload utility you're using.


I recommend reading the whole thing.

Now, I must confess, there have been times that I've stolen pictures. In my defense, I do place the copy that I use on my own server, and I also give a crediting link to the source, with an apology for its use in an unintended context. Not strictly Emily Post, but I've yet to hear the dreaded words, "take it down!". And if I did, I would.


posted by Harvey at 7:47:45 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Behold the Puppy Blender.

Heh. Indeed.



posted by Harvey at 7:19:45 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


While I was at Madfish Willie's havin' a couple dozen of the usual, I overheard some odd phrases being mentioned:


  • The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
  • As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
  • Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
  • Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
  • We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced
  • He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink
  • She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
  • It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
  • *********

    Must've been somebody from Texas. I think it was Jed. Might've been Lynn. Could've been W for all I know. I was REALLY drunk at the time.


    posted by Harvey at 7:41:04 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Fortunately, they can all be found at HQ:

    Scary white socks.

    Innocent college girls gone astray

    What was in that dumpster?

    Who's that huggin' the pole at the "gentleman's club"?

    Oddly enough, none of them are mine. 4 new lies in 3 new entries in just 2 days. At this rate, the world wide web will consist entirely of filthy lies about the evil & despicable Glenn Reynolds within 5 years.

    Heh. Indeed.

    Instapundo Delenda Est!

    posted by Harvey at 7:17:33 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Got this from Madfish Willie's:


    Things A Man Should Know: About Women:

      Love does not mean never having to say you're sorry. It means having to say you're sorry over and over again, in new and different ways, every day, every week, every month, even when you don't want to, every year, until God grants you his mercy and you finally, blissfully die.


    Now excuse me while I go apologize to my wife for finding that funny.


    posted by Harvey at 6:56:19 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Thursday, October 16, 2003


    I've seen and/or heard of a lot of dumb warning labels, but SilverBlue has a collection of them, plus his own pithy commentary:


    On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

    (Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

    On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

    (the shoplifter special?)

    On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

    (and that would be how???....)

    On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

    (but, it's "just" a suggestion)


    The rest of them are just a click away.

    (Hat tip to Susie for finding this for me)

    posted by Harvey at 10:36:15 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    FARKIN' 20

    This is simply too money-related for me not to link to. The good folks at have photoshopped that horrid, nasty, peanut-butter & pistachio new $20 bill. The designs they come up with are at least as good.

    Drink alert, and a general warning. This page is VERY graphics intensive and takes a good chunk of time to download. If you're on dial-up, pack a lunch.

    It's worth it, though.


    posted by Harvey at 10:30:30 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I don't read a lot of poetry, but I know what I like. I like meter. I like rhyme, and I like it to be complex enough that you have to work a little bit to figure out what the poet is really saying. I find that a lot in Shakespeare's sonnets, which is why I enjoyed reading them in high school, even though they were required.

    I'm also liking Heather's "Sonnet #2" , for all the same reasons. It fits the requirements of the form, and it's not a transparent read. But it's very good.


    posted by Harvey at 10:23:22 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    People are never always saying to me, "Harv, you are so handsome, your wife is so beautiful, and you're both so above-averagely-intelligent, why don't you have kids to make the world a better place?"

    Lots of reasons, none of which any childed person would find convincing. But right now, I'm thinking about the reason that Snooze Button Dreams illustrates so well.

    Drink alert in effect.


    posted by Harvey at 10:16:06 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    The thing I like best about the way W is handling North Korea is that his big plan is... to do nothing. Kim Jong Il is misbehaving like a spoiled child (albeit an insane and violent one), and W is doing the right thing by not rewarding him with concessions or attention. No matter what idiot noise Kim makes, W shrugs & focuses on the real threats from Islamic nutballs. I like a man who has his foreign policy priorities straight.

    Not that Kim isn't still as bothersome as a burr in your Jockeys. As Mary Beth of Random Thoughts From A Confused Mind points out, he's still trying to make demands as if he's in some kind of position to bargain. In this case, he wants Japan left out of future talks regarding NK's nuke program. Yes, the same Japan that's within range of those nuclear-tipped missiles that Kim if desperately trying to build before his regime collapses.

    I'm thinkin' Kimmy could use a couple weeks in the Cleansing Clinic.

    posted by Harvey at 10:04:43 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Seriously, though, Matt actually did ask if I was going to do anything special to celebrate the Navy's birthday.


    I'm going to take out my DD-214 and give it a BIG hug.



    posted by Harvey at 9:49:42 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I heard Susie say "damn" once. It was a chilling experience. She doesn't swear in this post, where she expresses her dismay at some trollish behaviors, but you can hear her NOT swearing, and that somehow seems worse.

    The topic at hand was the blogger S-Train, who had a terrifying personal experience with some violent goblins breaking into his house intent on harming him and his family. Even worse was that the incident was racially motivated. S-Train did get some supportive messages, but there were also those who took it upon themselves to act like complete assholes. It's these people who Susie takes to task:


    What is wrong with people?

    Particularly "Andrew H" and "jim long" and the other orcs who led the harrassment in S-Train's comments.
    What next for these yokels with too much time on their hands? Start demanding that Tiger post his law degree so they know he is a real lawyer?
    How about Mookie? Planning on stopping by there to demand she prove she is a teenager because she posts about High School?
    Or me? Are they going to bombard my site administrator demanding to know my whereabouts so they can see a movie for a dollar?

    This is not journalism, folks. This is blogging. This is about people spouting off their opinions, musing on the events of their day, sharing a joke with friends. A blog is not a police blotter or a newspaper or a scholarly journal and the orcs who think otherwise need to have their internet access yanked from them and their keyboards covered with molasses.


    On the bright side, S-Train is back in business, and I, for one, am glad to hear it.

    F'n trolls.


    posted by Harvey at 9:44:13 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Dana's got a great short quote at her place. It's a 5-second read. Trust me on this one.


    posted by Harvey at 9:31:43 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    When I kiss you, it tastes like heaven... so sweet, loving, kind and caring.


    posted by Harvey at 8:46:30 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    George Washington: the original Paratrooper of Love.


    posted by Harvey at 8:44:34 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Can't believe you haven't been  there yet but he's got part 2 of the Demon-crat up. Which I thought was even funnier than part 1. But it makes more sense if you read part 1 first. Well, as far as any In My World post actually makes sense, that is :-)

    posted by Harvey at 7:45:18 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    New Precision Guided Humor assignment at Alliance HQ. This time people get to make up awards for Michael Moore. How about "Face Most Strongly Resembling A Monkey's Ass"?


    posted by Harvey at 7:34:13 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    The Alliance takes a ClueBat to the head of the French President over at HQ

    posted by Harvey at 6:56:22 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Wednesday, October 15, 2003


    I was taking a narcissistic little stroll through Technorati and found a fledgling little blogger that seems to have fallen out of a nest somewhere. I found 2 things of interest:

    First that Mountain Blueberry is actually a good flavor for coffee. I might try that next time I hit the store.

    Second, I'm a blog hero.

    Geez, between GEBIV & Heather, I may never be able to get my big, fat, swelled head through the bedroom door to get some sleep tonight.

    Hey Joey, if you're finished insulting my question-answering ability, maybe you could tell yonder blogger how much fun comments are.

    (CTRL+F "dissappointed" since PAB, and the typo is Joey's, not mine)


    posted by Harvey at 11:51:01 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Can you make a career out of a minimum wage job?


    But that's not what they're about. An entry level position is your chance to show that you are willing to learn, are capable of putting on a pleasant face to grouchy customers, and are willing to show up every day and on time. Do this, and promotions & pay raises follow as night the day. Meanwhile, don't buy anything that you don't ABSOLUTELY need, get your videos from the library, drive a used car, and get a roommate.

    I did this myself (except for the roommate part - I had a 300 sq ft. efficiency apartment, instead), and payed my own way through college. It can be done.

    Heather's reading a book written by a limosine liberal, who, while reeking of arrogant condescension, prattles on about the EEEE-VIL and OPPRESSION that's inherant in minimum wage labor, and that it's just a trap that destroys working mothers & causes homelessness. In fact, Lady-Snoots-A-Lot arrogantly ran a "scientific experiment" (which was actually neither), in which she tried to survive in the gloomy pits of low-status work.

    It sounds quite nauseating to me, and I'm glad Heather took the time to read this book, because I sure as hell wouldn't be able to resist the temptation to tear the damn thing in half somewhere around page 3.

    Heather's review is thorough, accurate, and a lot more even-handed that I'd be able to pull off. It's a good read, and I recommend it.

    Heather's review, that is, not the book. 


    posted by Harvey at 11:12:26 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    So I stopped by Heather's Munuvian Palace of Purple, and discovered she'd gone & said the sweetest things about me. Figure I'll be able to stop blushing before I go to work tomorrow.

    Note to readers: flattery will get you anything you want...

    ...except pictures of my boobies, so don't even ask.

    posted by Harvey at 10:49:36 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Would somebody please go to Matt's house and remove all the sharp objects?


    posted by Harvey at 10:32:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []




    Matt was wondering if I was going to celebrate the Navy's 228th birthday. Well, I already did. In honor of the great event, I recently took a tour of my old ship, the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise.  I didn't manage to get back off before the ship left, however, so I was stuck on board for a while. The Enterprise was bound for the Persian Gulf in preparation for some F-14-style terrorist-whackin'.


    As we rounded the southern tip of Africa, the captain decided that he needed some fresh ice for his tea, and we anchored of the coast of Antarctica.


    While I was wandering around the frozen wasteland, awaiting our departure, I saw a sinister, yet familiar figure amidst a flock of penguins.


    Harv: Evil Glenn! What are you doing here?


    Evil Glenn: Dammit Currency Freak! Can't I go ANYWHERE without bumping into you?


    Harv: I was just thinking the same thing... except substitute the phrase "puppy-blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshiping bastard."


    Evil Glenn: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I'm here to film a little penguin porn.


    Harv: Long way to travel just to exploit innocent wildlife. Don't you have a "special" troop of penguins at home to use for your deviant & nefarious purposes?


    Evil Glenn: Well, yes, but the adult entertainment industry is hard on participants (Heh). The ladies tend to skankify pretty fast. I mean think about how hag-like Madonna's gotten.


    Harv: EWWWW! I REALLY didn't need that picture in my head. But I guess I see your point. Still, it's just plain wrong to demean innocent...


    Evil Glenn: Hel-LO? I had my conscience surgically removed my first year of law school. You might as well try to lay a guilt trip on Yassir Arafat. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a long list of movies that need to hit the shelves in the next couple of weeks, and I really don't have time for idle chit-chat.


    Harv: What "list of movies"?


    Evil Glenn: Oh, "Back Door Birdie", "Flippers of Lust", "Swimming Sluts", "Cold Feet - Hot Ass"...


    Harv: That's disgusting!


    Evil Glenn: "Fine Feathered Foreplay", "Flock You", "Black & White Bump & Grind", "Tux & Sucks"...


    Harv: I think I'm gonna puke.


    Evil Glenn: "Flappin' & Boppin'", "Freaks With Beaks", "Wings & Wangs", "Feathery Friend Felching Fun"...


    Harv: Dear God! Please... Stop!


    Evil Glenn: "Hot Nude Amatuer Penguin Trios", "Lay Me Instead of an Egg", "Aviary of Anal", "XXX Black Peeing Porn"...


    Harv: Hey! That last one's not penguin-related.


    Evil Glenn: So? I'm not allowed to have outside interests?


    Harv: You pathetic, sick, twisted, degenerate monster!


    Evil Glenn:...


    Harv: Yeah, yeah, I know... Lawyer... Right! I'm going back to the ship, and when I get  home, I'm filing a report at HQ.


    Evil Glenn: Let's not be hasty. I still need someone to play the part of the Naughty Zoo-keeper in this next scene...


    Harv: Leaving now!


    Evil Glenn: Come back! I can make you a star! Just bend over that snowbank and... Crap! He's gone. Oh well. Come on, Opus, we've got work to do...


    The rest of the trip was uneventful, and thanks to some professional help and a lot of drinking, the mental wounds are healing nicely. I just wanted to let everyone know that a new batch of penguin porn will be on the streets soon unless the puppy-blending pervert is stopped. Meanwhile, don't buy any porn unless it's certified penguin-free.



    posted by Harvey at 9:21:28 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    My favorite place to be is inside of your hugs where it's warm and loving.


    posted by Harvey at 6:06:39 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    [I (heart) Christina]

    While flattered by this symbol of her fan's devotion, Miss Aguilera soon decided that she would be even more flattered by a tasty McDonald's breakfast burrito.


    posted by Harvey at 6:04:51 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Instapundit thinks he's so important that he can just call his blog Instapundit and not even give it a witty description in the tagline. In fact he has no tagline at all.

    So it's up to the Alliance to write one for him.

    This should be fun ;-)


    posted by Harvey at 8:01:01 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Tuesday, October 14, 2003


    Time is running out for the Precision Guided Humor assignment

    Misguided Minion Jen is lining up bloggers to interview.

    Monday's Filthy Lie assignment got called on account of corpses. Safer mission to follow.

    The Bartender is a filthy liar (but you already knew that).


    posted by Harvey at 11:44:07 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Ok, so last Friday I went out to Madfish Willie's bar just to see what the folks was up to. Happy Hour was pretty quiet, just The Bartender washing up glasses & throwing occasional chunks of beef jerky to that snarly, drooly rottweiler of the Emperor's that he was watching while Misha & Frank were busy ClueBattin' some hippies across the street. Then I noticed Matt O'Blackfive sittin' in the corner, drinkin' his usual 6 beers at once. He waved me over and told me he had a confession to make.

    Matt: Harv, I'm thinking of quitting the Alliance & throwing in with Evil Glenn.

    Harv: Matt... you CAN'T be serious! You're the PATHFINDER! We need you and your eagle eye to monitor the Axis troublemakers!

    Matt: I know, I know. You think this is easy for me? I know that puppy-blendin' sumbitch needs to get taken down. I know that in my heart, but...

    Harv: But what? How the hell can their be a "but"? Don't you remember the evil tatoos? The naked Robot Dancing?

    Matt: Hmmm. Let me check my arm... Nope. All it says is Susie... rack... thong... YUM!

    Harv: Yeah, I know what you mean. *sigh*. OH! uh, anyway, what about quitting the Alliance?

    Matt: Uh... Oh, yeah. It's just that, well... I'm just thinking... what with all Evil Glenn's hobo-murderin' for Satan, he's got some good connections, and well... with the Cubbies in the playoffs & all... I was just sorta thinkin'...

    Harv: Let me see if I got this straight. You'd be willing to sell your soul to Satan, murder hobos, and give up beer for puppy shakes for the rest of your life just to see the Cubs win the World Series?


    Harv: Geez, Matt, calm down, willya? Everyone in the bar is staring at us, and...


    ...and then, from over by the Bartender, we heard him:

    Evil Glenn: Indeed.


    ...all talk of capitulation ceased. Pure courage rushed through our veins, and a steely, beer-fueled resolve compelled us to...

    Well, I'll let The Bartender tell the rest of the story...


    posted by Harvey at 11:05:02 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Bonfire of the Vanities #238 is up at Wizbang. Kevin really whacked me a good one, so I felt morally obligated to jingle his tip jar (remember the basement beating scene from Dirty Harry?).

    All the entries were fairly foul this week (which is only proper), but this story of a handyman job gone horribly wrong gave me the worst sympathy pains I've ever had. It really should've come with a Cringe Alert.

    For my blogless brother Tom, I'll explain it as "Yyyyyyaaaaaarrrrrrrr!"


    posted by Harvey at 7:19:58 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    200 WORDS OR LESS:



    Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":



    Suppose that each day you had to spend one hour in private meditation or contemplation and that by snapping your fingers, you could instantly transport yourself anywhere for the duration of this quiet time. Where would you choose to go?



    Last time I used this power, I wound up in a California forest. My old friend Lumberjack Bill was having some problems:


    Harv: What's the trouble, Bill?


    Bill: I need to cut down a tree, but there's a damn hippy in the way. Same one that chained himself to a tree last week.


    Harv: So what? Last week you just sawed his damn arm off and he got himself unchained pretty quickly.


    Bill: Yeah, but this time he's way up high and I can't get near the tree at all.


    Harv: The smell?


    Bill: That too, but it's the singin' that's the real problem.


    Harv: Hmmm... I'll see what I can do.


    I wandered off and soon heard an off-key screeching, not unlike a blend of Mariah Carey and a hundred mating alley cats:


    "Tofu, granola, and Birkenstock sandals,

    Incense, patchouli, and spacey drip candles,

    Acid and Phish songs, such good times they bring,

    These are a few of my favorite things!"


    Harv: Gotta stop this nightmare! Hmmm... what would Darwin do?... AHA!


    [5 minutes later]


    Bill: What happened? I heard a scream and a thud.


    Harv: Think, Bill. How do you get a one-armed hippy out of a tree?


    [Together, smiling]: Wave!


    posted by Harvey at 6:52:30 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    My wife makes the best lasagna in the whole world :-)


    posted by Harvey at 6:48:12 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    While contemplating his mission to "come up with something... you know... different" for the design of the new 20, Treasury Secretary John Snow found inspiration oozing up between his toes while stepping barefoot in something his dog left on the carpet after eating and rejecting his wife's peanut-butter-and-pistachio cream pie.


    posted by Harvey at 6:40:02 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Monday, October 13, 2003


    I found this at Wizbang, and although I have neither Movable Type, nor a problem with comment spammers, a lot of my favorite bloggers have both. For their sake, I pass this along:


    Jay Allen is releasing a MovableType plug-in called MT-Blacklist on Monday.

    MT Blacklist Home

    I would like to be the first to congratulate him on an excellent implementation of a robust solution to a very complex problem. Banning IP addresses is NOT the solution as spammers and bots are easily moved and most users are connected to the Internet via dynamically assigned IP address.

    As a special gift to users of MT Blacklist I am offering the biggest and baddest prefilled Blacklist on the planet right here: Wizbang MT Blacklist Add-on.


    The rest of the piece is here.

    Hope this helps.


    posted by Harvey at 10:49:30 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Matt O'Blackfive has some fisk-a-liscious commentary on a Chicago Trib article examining Euroweenie attitudes towards the US. What really caught my attention, though, was this part:


    71% of Europeans surveyed said they now would like to see Europe emerge as a superpower.


    Let's see:

    Super - Of great value or excellence; extraordinary

    Power - The ability or capacity to perform or act effectively

    European - Arousing contemptuous pity, as through ineptitude or inadequacy

    Nope. I just don't see it happening. Although if they're serious about wanting to hit superpower status, I think I've got a copy of "Kicking International Ass For Dummies" around here somewhere.


    posted by Harvey at 10:41:15 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I stopped at Madfish Willie's for my usual couple of post-work tension-relievers, and discovered three things. First, the waitresses are getting ready to kick the crap out of him in the parking lot after work because he can't keep his hands out of the tip jar (he's always countin' & fondlin' the contents). Second, he's right - Bill from Bloviating Inanities IS a freak. Third, Fritz really knows how to deliver when it comes to bitch-slapping Michael Moore.

    I kinda don't remember anything after that third discovery, but if the fog lifts, I'll let you know.


    posted by Harvey at 10:17:31 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    For those of you who wonder what a ClueBat actually looks like, Misha's got a link to a pic of one of the old classic models.


    posted by Harvey at 10:06:07 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    The Bartender is such an annoying little copycat. I got a blog, so he got a blog. I got blogrolled by the Emperor, so he got blogrolled by the Emperor. I had sex with my wife, so he had BETTER STAY THE HELL OUT OF WISCONSIN OR I'LL STRANGLE HIM DEAD!

    Congratulations, Mike. I'm buying this round.


    posted by Harvey at 10:00:30 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Apparently Vanderleun from American Digest was in my neighborhood last night doing some spying. He's got a photo of me standing next to my stash of Graffiti Currency.

    I'm the one that's NOT shaped like a car.


    posted by Harvey at 9:44:36 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    America's #1 pin-up girl will now tickle your funny-bone (no, that did NOT sound dirty) with her list of the Top 10 Toys That Will Be A Huge Hit This Year. My personal favorite:


    2. Politically-Correct Crayons - New set of crayons assures that your child will never offend a classmate with their drawings. Crayola has removed any color that, when used to draw a bodily feature, might cause emotional hurt or discomfort to minorities. Out are brown (Latinos), black (African-Americans), red (native Americans), yellow (Asians), orange (Middle Easterners), gray (the elderly), green (Martians), blue (Smurfs), and purple (one-eyed, one-horned, flying people eaters). The boxes of white crayons will sell for the same price as the regular, racist crayons.


    Now I know what to get for the nieces & nephews.

    Go read the other nine. Drink Alert in effect.

    Heh. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Cokehead".

    posted by Harvey at 9:40:48 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    While surfing at Rajan's place yesterday, I was reminded that October 12 was the one year Anniversary of the Bali attack.

    A moment of silence



    posted by Harvey at 9:33:31 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    So I was over at Angelweave Sunday, and I noticed a post that said her 6 month blogoversary was October 12. For some reason I thought that Oct. 12 was way in the middle of next week, so I thought I should wait until the actual day to post on it.


    To make up for it, I'm going to be way ahead of the curve when I say:


    Ha! First!

    By the way, to give her due credit, her first blog post was funnier than Frank's.


    posted by Harvey at 9:08:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Looks like J's gonna end up on my ever-growing list of "bloggers I'll never be funnier than". Here he comes with Evil Glenn's trip to the afterlife:


    "Mr. Reynolds? Mr. Reynolds?"

    His eyes fluttered. His fingers twitched, stabbing at a non-existent keyboard. He sat up suddenly, a tiny trickle of saliva starting at the corner of his mouth. Eyes wide, he snapped his head back and forth, shock and fear on his face. He was in a clean hospital room, on a bed with blinding white sheets.

    "Where's the flames?" he asked, eyes darting back and forth.

    "Flames?" the old man in the white lab coat asked, "What flames?"

    "I was expecting flames. They all said I was going to hell, so I was expecting flames," Glenn Reynolds said. He quickly looked himself over. He seemed to be okay, other than the hospital gown gapping at the back.

    “Well, Mr. Reynolds. I certainly hope we exceed your expectations.” The old man smiled. Glenn felt the radiant and galactic warmth in that smile and was heartened. Perhaps all those late night rituals hadn’t been damning.

    “There are a few things we need to discuss before we proceed, Mr. Reynolds.”


    “Yes. There are a number of missing puppies that we believe you were responsible for.”

    The trickle of saliva increased into a stream. Glenn’s tongue touched his lips as he reveled in a momentary orgy of sensual memory. “Heh,” was all he managed to say.


    Plenty more. Go check it out. Drink Alert in effect.


    posted by Harvey at 9:00:53 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    This week's question:

    What would you say if you had the floor at a Jacques Chirac press conference?

    As a concerned world citizen who realizes that America shouldn't try to go it alone, I want to discover the root causes of France's reluctance to get involved in the Iraqi quagmire. What does America have to do to get France's help?


    Do we need to provide France with tanks that have three gears in reverse?


    Do we need to spray all the local goats with skunk juice so that French soldiers won't miss the smell of French whores while they're overseas?


    Do we need to provide French soldiers with rifles to drop when they're surrendering to small Iraqi children?


    Do we need to staff the interim government with badly-moustached sadists so that the French will be more comfortable working with them?


    Or do we just need to keep reminding you cowardly, annoying bastards to shut the f*** up because we couldn't care less about what you think?


    Oh, and by the way, in the spirit of international cooperation, I feel compelled to add that your mother is a fat, filthy slut who blows dead rats.


    If you could give me a hard copy of your answers so I can wad it into a ball and shove it up your ass, I'd greatly appreciate it.


    Thank you for your time, Mr. Chirac.




    posted by Harvey at 8:40:04 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Since you are my sunshine and I am your raindrop, together we can create an everlasting rainbow of love.


    posted by Harvey at 8:34:40 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    I have to agree with what Linda told me:

    "How f'ing stupid can they be? I mean, come on! Two people, one dollar? And these cheap bastards STILL can't figure out why they're on my shit list!"


    posted by Harvey at 8:32:31 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Poor Don. He just can't get any action. Maybe it's his approach as he relates here:


    Me: Hey, I’m Don. How are you?

    Her: [smiling] Cindy…I’m fine.

    Me: Isn’t Kant fucking evil?

    Her: Um, okay. So what do you do?

    Me: I’m a writer. Can I ask you a question?

    Her: Sure.

    Me: Finish this sentence. “A is…”

    Her: …for apple?

    Me: Slut.


    Geez, Don. Even if they've read Atlas Shrugged, they're not gonna get that whole "Kant is evil" thing. You're gonna have to start toting around copies of the Ayn Rand Lexicon.

    Oh well, as long he's not scoring, he's channelling his frustrations into being funny on his blog, so it's better for the rest of us if he remains socially inept.

    Ok, Don, enough poking fun at your love life. I was intrigued by your statement that you're an optimist. Not usually a word that gets associated with Objectivism. So here's a site you might enjoy: The Objective American.

    The author, sadly, passed away a few months ago, but the archives are still up, and there's a LOT of good stuff in there. For example:


    I'm impressed by TOA Daily's focus on optimism. I've been a long-time advocate of a greater emphasis on reason in everything from politics to economics to personal living. To that end, I've admired much of the work of the free-market writers, especially that of Ayn Rand and her Objectivism crowd. But the thing that's all too frequently missing from these writers is positive thinking. They spend incredible amounts of time focusing on what's wrong, and very little on what's right—or on what could go right. For instance, I find that your site keeps me on an even keel. You provide a counterweight to all the negativity that one finds among the other so-called libertarians and conservatives. Keep up the good work. With optimism in the mix, I'm much more enthusiastic about picking up my long-dropped sword of political activism. Thank you. Yours is the first Internet site I read in the morning.
    —Rejuvenated in Redmond

    I'm pleased that TOA Daily is having this effect for you—as it is on others. One of the reasons I started this service was precisely because, like you, I was disgusted with the excessive focus on gloom and doom—not just among libertarians, but also among neo-conservatives, liberals, and moderates. What perplexed me was that these people had in common a stated desire for a better world, yet they spent precious little energy or time painting a positive picture of how things could or should be. They spent even less time analyzing the wonderful progress going on around them. I watched pundits from across the spectrum slamming America as though it was no better than some grubby little Third World banana republic on steroids. This angered me. If America was as awful as they claimed, then how come people were literally dying to get in here? It made no sense.

    So I did what good reporters do: I started digging. I started a policy of actively searching for stories of the positive—of success, of progress, of innovation. I was impressed by how much there was. I was even more impressed by how regularly the "reason" crowd ignored it, especially the media and think tanks among them. There were exceptions, but by and large, when I read the liberty-oriented magazines and listened to the pundits of the reason-objectivity axis, they tended to emphasize tales of horror and decay, not of hope and accomplishment. And now we're seeing it all over again with Operation Enduring Freedom. I'm repelled by how grumpy and cynical the putative freedom-oriented press is about the chances of the US succeeding at defending the very liberty that these people say they value so highly.

    Way too many tracts among freedom lovers are thinly veiled litanies of wrongs, missed opportunities, and failures, rather than analyses of success. (E.g., "What about Vietnam?" not "What about our winning World War II?" Or: "What about the Great Depression or the recent NASDAQ crash?" not "What about the fact that in the last twenty years the US has experienced one of the best growth-to-decline ratios in history?") Worse, they often carry a psychologically deadly subtext: an emotional implication that things cannot get better, that we are somehow doomed to collapse back into a new Dark Ages. This negative worldview is corrupt. It's not what's happening. If any of my readers have fallen for this death-oriented determinism—which is exactly what it is—shake it off, because it's bad for your mental, physical, and economic health. (Nor is it any good for the morale of your nation—something that is important to maintain during a worldwide war.)


     For what it's worth.


    posted by Harvey at 8:19:58 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Sunday, October 12, 2003


    Just got a spam with the subject line:

    Proven methods of attracting beautiful women.

    Hell, I already know how to do that...

    Link them.


    posted by Harvey at 10:33:13 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Via the Emperor, I was pointed to a nice piece from the Weekly Standard that traces the Iraqi WMD flap from the known stockpiles in 1998 (yes, on Clinton's watch) all the way up to GW taking a little action in 2003, including a some back history from 95 up to 98.

    Funny, I don't remember hearing about this in the news lately during all the liberal asshat shouts of "there are no WMD!".


    posted by Harvey at 9:22:04 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Thank you for yesterday, today, and always...

    For bringing me happiness right from the start

    and offering me both your love and your heart,

    for being so thoughtful in all that your do,

    overlooking my faults, and understanding me too.


    posted by Harvey at 6:17:36 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Spectrographic analysis reveals that George Washington was, apparently, composed largely of sodium.


    posted by Harvey at 6:14:14 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I'm probably too late to get in on the contest, but my love of poetry knows no bounds. Thus:

    There once was a blogger named Glenn

    Who blended a puppy and then

    He said with a smile

    As he danced, Robot style

    “On the yum scale, that was a ten!”


    Glenn drank up his glass of pup goo,

    Praised Satan, and killed hobos, too.

    To penguin bare asses

    He steamed up his glasses

    As he pleasured himself on the loo.



    I feel so dirty now.


    posted by Harvey at 5:59:19 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    If I were from this little town in Michigan, I would lie about it. I don't care how good their baseball team is.


    posted by Harvey at 2:29:59 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    While I was getting some names for my last 200 Words or Less post, I stumbled across this wonderful site that keeps track of Hollywood idjit asshattery.

    It's a handy item to have in your bookmarks in case you ever need to make a point about mealy-mouthed little goat-felchers like:


    Most Boycotted Actors:   Total
    #1   Janeane Garofalo   6099
    #2   Susan Sarandon   5746
    #3   George Clooney   5717
    #4   Michael Moore   5671
    #5   Martin Sheen   5590
    #6   Danny Glover   5397
    #7   Sean Penn   5318
    #8   Alec Baldwin   5252
    #9   Tim Robbins   5162
    #10   Julia Roberts   5102


    Plus it makes plenty of their stupid quotes available for your mocking pleasure.


    posted by Harvey at 2:24:22 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    So I was out drinkin' at Madfish Willie's last night, and I overheard this guy tellin' a story over by the bar:


    A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk "You need to use big people' words," she'd always remind them.

    She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana," he said. "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he replied. She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Ron what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"


    Well, I passed out cold in the corner at this point, so I don't remember the punch line. But I think the Accidental Jedi can help you out.


    posted by Harvey at 2:15:56 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Thanks to a pointer from America's Most Beloved Irishman, I read the tragic news of the Iraqi quagmire at Balloon Juice:


    Six months ago there were no police on duty in Iraq.

    · Today there are over 40,000 police on duty, nearly 7,000 here in Baghdad alone.
    · Last night Coalition Forces and Iraqi police conducted 1,731 joint patrols.

    Six months ago those elements of Saddam’s military that had not been destroyed in combat had buried their airplanes and melted away.

    · Today the first battalion of the new Iraqi Army has graduated and is on active duty.
    · Across the country over 60,000 Iraqis now provide security to their fellow citizens.

    Six months ago there were no functioning courts in Iraq.

    · Today nearly all of Iraq’s 400 courts are functioning.
    · Today, for the first time in over a generation, the Iraqi judiciary is fully independent.

    Six months ago the entire country could generate a bare 300 megawatts of electricity.

    · On Monday, October 6 power generation hit 4,518 megawatts—exceeding the pre-war average.
    · If we get the funding the President has requested in his emergency budget, we expect to produce enough electricity for all Iraqis to have electrical service 24 hours daily—something essential to their hopes for the future.


    That's about 1/3 of it. Go over there and find out all the other ways we're "losing the peace".


    posted by Harvey at 1:57:14 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Via COTV #55, there's this interesting observation on "home correction":


    That night, he was mad. He said that what I needed was an old fashioned over the knee spanking and he did just that.

    At first I was angry and resisted but the truth is, I wanted him to take me in hand. I wanted him to care enough to stop me behaving like a single woman. I wanted him to put his foot down and assert himself. When he finished spanking me that first time, I clung to him and cried my eyes out..... and then I fell asleep in his arms while he stroked my head and kissed me. Next morning, I felt a sense of peace and love I'd never felt before. I think I'd wanted him to do that for a very long time, and I was acting out more and more to get a reaction out of him. Not consciously but looking back with hindsight I think I was pushing and testing all the time until that night.


    Well, I'm glad it works for her. Despite all the spankings that go on at our house, there's still an awful lot of misbehavior ;-)



    posted by Harvey at 1:52:14 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    My current favorite letter at Front Line Voices contains this gem, which comments on the major news networks picking up the "the war costs too much" talking point:


    The news gave way slowly, almost imperceptibly, to commentary until newscaster became commentator and began complaining about the cost of the weapons we are expending and the debt we are accruing. "How," he wailed, "are we going to pay for all this when the President is asking for tax cuts?"

    It's a simple fact of life that those who don't know right from wrong shouldn't dabble in economics. They could hurt themselves. If you doubt me ask the French.


    Speaking of the French [*spit*], the writer goes on to mention a delicious rumor about their latest foul behavior.



    posted by Harvey at 1:45:47 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Deep Cover Agent, Codename Jen does a valuable public service by explaining the origins/meanings of the following drinking cliches:


    Hair of the dog that bit you.
    Drunk as a skunk.
    Drunk as Cooter Brown.
    Blind drunk.
    Here's mud in your eye.
    Never pet a burning dog.


    Now if only she could explain what it means when my wife says "nothing" is bothering her.


    posted by Harvey at 1:41:01 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    From the moment that our lips parted for the first time, and our eyes were married in a long loving glance, my heart told me that you were the one. My lips needed some more reassurance, but my heart was for certain!


    posted by Harvey at 12:50:26 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    One of hundreds of Ayn Rand's "near misses" as she struggled to perfect the opening line of "Atlas Shrugged".


    posted by Harvey at 12:40:48 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    200 WORDS OR LESS:



    Today's question comes from Joey, of Single White Male, who's holding a contest for the best answer, with a one dollar prize for the winner. Dana beat me in his last contest. Sure, she had a good answer, but I'm bettin' those wet-dream boobies of hers tipped the scales in her favor.


    Enough griping. Here's the question:



    After a shipwreck you are abandoned on a desert island, you have your choice of four books. You choose a book about knots, a book about law, a book about Karate and a thesaurus, and burn them to send a signal, unfortunatley, an evil and hungry band of pirates discovers you, and decides they're going to eat you. Luckily, you know how to escape from the ropes, and right when they have all of their forks posed, you whip out with your mad karate skills and kill every last one of them. Unfortunatley, without the crew you cannot control the ship, and after several days of aimless drifting, you run into a navy aircraft carrier right off the coast of the United States. The Navy ship isn't damaged beyond repair, and no one is hurt, but you're hauled into court for the murder of the eighteen pirates, and for attemped murder, and any other kind of charges you would get for crashing a pirate ship into an Aircraft Carrier. Luckily, you know the laws, and you try your darndest to get out of it, but even your extensive vocabulary doesn't help you, because you actaully did everything they accused you of. So, you're sentenced to death. Then, right before they inject you with the "Death Juice," they let you say a few words. What will your last words be?




    I was in this very situation just last week. So I shouted "Look! It's Britney Spears and she's completely naked!"


    As everyone turned to look, I snuck out the back door. Fortunately, the naked person in question was actually Helen Thomas, so all the guards were too busy screaming, puking, and trying to claw their own eyes out to make any attempt to stop me.


    Free at last, I knew I had to clear my name. I called Johnny Cochrane, and he managed to get me a new trial.


    Unfortunately, he soon found out how horrifyingly white I am, and that no bloody gloves were involved, so he told me to go f*** myself, and I was forced to act as my own attorney.


    During the trial, I produced evidence that the murdered "pirates" were actually Jacques Chirac, Dominique De Villepin, Kofi Annan, Gerhard Schroeder, Kim Jong Il, Saddam Hussein, Michael Moore, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Alec Baldwin, Martin Sheen, Jeanine Garofalo, Natalie Maines, Barbra Streisand, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Evil Bert.


    Not only was I acquitted, they’re throwing a ticker-tape parade in my honor next Tuesday. You're all invited.


    posted by Harvey at 12:24:51 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Saturday, October 11, 2003


    Lynn is normally a calm, gentle, considerate woman. But don't get her riled. And for the love of God, NEVER open a conversation with her with the phrase "classical music makes you smarter". The tearing of your new one will begin something like this:


    I have always thought the Mozart Effect study was ridiculous. So a bunch of college students listen to Mozart for ten minutes (only ten minutes!) and they do better on a test than the control group. So what? How can anyone think this means anything in the first place? A lot of people, obviously. Since this study was announced "Mozart for the Mind" CDs have been huge sellers, appropriately, right up there with "Classical Music for Dummies." The people who buy this kind of crap are the same kind of people who, a hundred years ago would have been pushing and shoving to get a bottle of Miracle Elixir from every travelling snake oil peddler to come through town.

    What infuriates me about nonsense like this is the reduction of the most beautiful and complex music ever written, to the level of a magic smart-pill. I've heard that eating fish will make you smarter too. So take your pick - Mozart or fish. Maybe you should make your kids eat fish every day while listening to Mozart. If it's that simple we should have an entire generation of Einsteins in a few years. All the world's troubles are over. HA!


    On the bright side, she's the #2 Google search for the phrase, so she's found her silver lining.


    posted by Harvey at 9:44:44 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    ...came an oft-forwarded e-mail with the kind of one-liners that you normally see on over-priced, never-bought novelty buttons. I did like these, though:

    I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 

     FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

    STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

    The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

    Ya know, Hon, I can get you set up with Blogspot in 3.5 minutes. And God knows The Bartender is doing fine working with worse material...


    posted by Harvey at 9:36:01 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    From Heather of Angelweave:


    The left is fond of taking responsibility away from individuals for their actions. Oh, person X "couldn't help himself" because of BLAH. And I can't stand for that. I've said it before - if you take away my responsibility, you take away my accomplishment.


    Amen, sistah.


    posted by Harvey at 9:28:10 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I'm stealing the first half from Boots & Sabers:


    Gun-Fearing Wussie: Why don't you gun nuts go away and start your own country?


    For the perfect response, you'll have to click the link.


    posted by Harvey at 9:25:17 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    You know those annoying 100x forwarded e-mails you get from your friends with that cute dog joke or that scary virus warning that's just an urban legend? Well, Jay Solo has come up with an excellent idea for using this format for an actual worthy cause.

    Front Line Voices is a web site containing unedited letters from our troops overseas, and lets you get a first-hand picture of what's actually going on in the War On Terror, without all that BS quagmire spin you get from the old-media-asshats like Rather & Brokaw.

    Here's the suggested text for mass-mailing to your address book:

    Ever notice that the media seems to dwell on or overstate negative news from Iraq and elsewhere? Some of them have even admitted to it lately.

    Yet if you see letters from individuals who are actually serving there, things sound far different, mostly positive and full of promise.

    Now there is a place where letters and firsthand reports are collected, from Iraq, Afghanistan, and elsewhere. You can see the real news directly, bypassing the traditional media, or at least supplementing it with a sanity check.

    It's called Front Line Voices and is at It's in weblog format, operated entirely by volunteers who wished to see extensive, realistic, unfiltered accounts published, positive and negative.

    Check it out, and please feel free to pass this along so everyone will get the word.

    And don't forget to tag your e-mail with "if you don't immediately forward this to 10 people in the next two hours, you will become infected with nipple dysentary", or something equally compelling.

    But seriously, FLV is the kind of thing that anyone who believes we're doing the right thing would love to hear about. Be a friend and let them know.


    posted by Harvey at 8:59:06 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Boots & Sabers tells the story of how the homeless are shaking their stinky, unwashed fists in rage now that they can no longer piss inside and sleep outside of a library in Dallas. I hate to throw spoilers, but my favorite part is at the end:


    "It seems strange we're treated like third-class citizens," Mr. Blount said. "They have a space for everybody's car. Why can't they provide a place for me to put my bag?"

    [Jed's comment]You are third-class citizens.  Now get off your ass and do something about it.


    Warning: reading the whole post could lead to muscle strain as you violently roll your eyes at such stupid things as:


    Ms. Morrison, 39, has moved away from the library – but just across the street.

    "This is my living room," she said of the sidewalk at Ervay and Young streets.

    Pointing across Ervay, she said, "That used to be my living room."


    [roll] OW! My sclera!


    posted by Harvey at 8:45:17 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Via his Imperial Munificence comes this story on the best ice cream ever made, which begins:


    Ted Nugent endorses 'Gun Nut' ice cream Firearm-rights advocate hooks up with company battling Ben & Jerry's

    Ted Nugent, rock musician, avid outdoorsman and defender of gun rights, has come out in support of "Gun Nut" ice cream, a new flavor unveiled by a company billing itself as "the conservative alternative to liberal Ben & Jerry's."

    Star Spangled Ice Cream Company announced the new partnership yesterday in a statement.


    Yes, it's real, and yes, it's INSANELY expensive. But just for the privilege of owning an empty carton of "I Hate the French Vanilla", I have to admit that it's tempting.

    And don't miss the "suggested flavors" in the comments like:


    Turbaned Tyrant Toffee Twist
    Fatwah Fat-Free Fudge
    Almond Allah Delight
    Chocolate Suicide Cherry Bomb



    posted by Harvey at 8:34:43 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Right Wing News has some simple rules to tell Conservatives from Liberals. Here's the first few:


    -- Don't ever expect a conservative to get an even break from the mainstream media.

    -- To the mainstream media and the left, every war is Vietnam.

    -- You convince conservatives with logic, liberals with emotion, and moderates with a mix of the two.

    -- A Conservative can't outspend a liberal on domestic issues, so he shouldn't bother to try. Conversely, a liberal can't out-cut a conservative on domestic issues, or outspend him on the military, so he shouldn't bother to try.

    -- Conservatives turn on their own much quicker than liberals do and it serves us well because we usually don't end up dragging our image down in the public eye by defending the indefensible.


    He left out the part about liberals being mush-brained-morons who are easily distracted by shiny objects, but other than that, the list is pretty accurate.


    posted by Harvey at 8:20:42 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    That's what I sounded like when I found out that His Magnificent and Benevolent Imperial Majesty, Emperor Misha I, Lord High Commander of the Rottweiler Empire has seen fit to blogroll...


    Right there in the Department of Entertainment & Satire.

    This is my ultimate blogger dream come true. I've been stopping by Misha's place pretty much daily since I first stumbled on it sometime in 2002. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, delivers full-force-fury-flying-fists smackdowns on oh-so-deserving asshats & fuckwits like The Emperor.



    When I first started blogging, he was one of my idols, and he's been on my blogroll since day 1 of Blogspot. And for good reason. Whenever I need to re-juice my righteous indignation, he's always there for me. And since 9/11, there have been a lot of times, usually when I've watched too much "old media" news, that I've felt down and depressed and started to question whether America was doing the right thing. Whenever that happened, Misha was there, ClueBatting idiotarian skulls, and standing up loudly and proudly for the adopted nation that has always been his home.

    He has refueled my patriotism more times than I can count, and for that, I owe him an unrepayable debt of gratitude.

    And to think that I could actually make him laugh... that I've done something to actually make his life a little better... 

    I'm touched.

    Thank you. You are too kind.


    posted by Harvey at 7:58:51 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I got an e-mail from the Free State Project today, and found some interesting numbers. They voted on their target state when their membership hit 5000. When those first 5000 signed up, no state had been chosen. There was just a list of about 10 states that they were considering. In order to be fair to enrollees, they were allowed to list states to which they would not move. Turns out about 1000 people had said "no way" to New Hampshire.

    But, within 5 days of their announcement of New Hampshire as the target state, on October 1, they picked up an additional 250 or so members. I'm predicting that membership will continue to climb until the critical mass of 20,000 is reached. My guess would be about 2 years.

    If you're even only vaguely curious about the Free State Project, try their new Free State New Hampshire site, as well as their main site. If nothing else, you ought to be aware of this now so that, in a few years, when NH elects it's first Libertarian governor & legislative majority, you'll know why it happened.


    posted by Harvey at 7:31:26 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Beloved Wife headed up north today to visit Grandma for a little while. To keep myself out of trouble, I spent the last 3 hours making some long-overdue adjustments to my blog.

    On the left, you'll find category links to Love Notes and Filthy Lies. On the other left, you'll find monthly archive links for Bad Money in its entirety, as well as some of the (theoretically) more popular categories. I also went back through all 584 entries to make sure they were properly categorized, although I think I'm still missing a couple for the Bonfire & Carnival.

    God, my eyes hurt.


    posted by Harvey at 7:16:58 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I was just over there catching up, and saw this quote in his sidebar:


    “Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she’s losing. Well I say, hard cheese.”


    As President of the non-existant radical anti-environmentalist organization Pave the Planet, I couldn't agree more.


    posted by Harvey at 12:07:12 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    J of Quibbles & Bits has come up with the best solution I've ever heard to the problem of how to make sure votes get counted correctly. No more hanging chads, no more hacking the electronic voting machine. Here's his proposal for the Vote Box:


    Instead of the VoteBox tallying the votes and sending them off electronically, the VoteBox produces a chit with a print out of the choices made and a barcode that identifies the time and date of the vote along with a unique random identifier. The printout also includes a bar code or dot code that corresponds to the choices made. The chit is printed out right there for the voter, and presented for verification.

    If the voter authorizes the chit as concurrent with his vote, the identifier for the chit is sent out electronically from the VoteBox to the VoteCounter. The Voter takes the chit and walks over to the VoteCounter. The voter deposits the chit into the VoteCounter, much the same way a paper ballot is stuffed into a ballot card reader. The chit is scanned and the validation code checked against the codes from the VoteBox. If the chit has a valid code, it's accepted and the votes tallied. If not, it's rejected. This makes falsified chits harder to manufacture, since the number is generated at the same time as the chit.

    The chit is critical -- since it has the selections of the voter recorded for posterity, a re-countable record exists. Since the record is both an electronically readable (bar code) and human readable (print out of the selected candidates and state of yes/no votes), it can't be easily corrupted. There is some concern about other people looking at the chits, but you have the same problem with paper ballots. There are, of course, fraud issues, but they are nearly identical as well to the problems with paper ballots, and relatively easily addressed.


    Sheer brilliance.

    UPDATE: Since great minds think alike, it looks like Silent Running independently developed a similar idea


    posted by Harvey at 11:20:34 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    American Digest has an interesting theory, which I hope is correct. If you want to see how Arnie is going to govern California, just check his old movies. The clues are all there:


    Conan the Barbarian:
    Long held by those with exquisite taste in films to be the best Arnold movie ever. A film in which the essential Arnold is first exposed (in more ways than one) to the world at large. A film that has too long been allowed to languish in B-movie purgatory as a two-fer-one with "Bucket of Blood" at With the inaugural moment, Arnold will signal the touchstone of his political philosophy during a photo-op with the President:

    George W Bush: Arnold, what is best in life?
    Arnold: To crush Democrats, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the feminists!


    Kindergarten Cop:

    “Oh come on... STOP WHINING! You teachers are soft! You lack discipline! WELL I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU, YOU ARE MINE NOW! YOU BELONG TO ME!”

    Arnold has sworn to sift the crap out of the fouled sandbox that passes for public education in California.

    Well, it is time to pass a note over the head of the local teachers’ union that says: JOKE TIME IS OVER.

    Teachers’ Union: So who are you, man?
    Arnold loads his shot-gun
    Arnold: I'm the party pooper.


    Plenty more. Go and be amused.


    posted by Harvey at 11:01:46 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Blackfive's having another run of kick-ass karma. First he made Right Wing News' list of "up-and-coming blogs", then his beloved Cubbies took the lead in the playoffs with some of the wildest crap I've seen on the diamond in a long time. America's most beloved Irishman (feel free to put that quote on your blog, Matt) should stop by Starbucks again to see if there's a little bonus change coming his way.

    By the way, Matt, be sure to look both ways before crossing the street. Those buses pounce like tigers.


    posted by Harvey at 8:49:12 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Friday, October 10, 2003


    ...Is now available for viewing at Alliance HQ. Body art never looked so evil.

    Except maybe on Roseanne Barr's flabby ass.


    posted by Harvey at 8:58:48 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Much better this week. The Bartender entered with part 1 of his useful and infomative series on how to cure a hangover. Nice guy that he is, he's even lighting up links to each of the other sections as he gets the parts posted. Hell, he'd get my vote just for the thoughtfulness factor alone.

    If you've ever had a hangover, you NEED to read this.


    posted by Harvey at 7:59:06 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    200 WORDS OR LESS:



    Today's question comes from the book "The Conversation Piece":



    #17 If you could have any building or institution named after you, which one would you choose?



    At Harv's Hippy Cleansing Center, we turn filthy hippies back into productive citizens through the magic of negative reinforcement. Let me just grab my Louisville Slugger ClueBat, and I'll give you a tour:


    Here in the Rush Room, we break spirits with 24-7 re-runs of Rush Limbaugh.


    Hippy: Please! I'm going crazy! Just let me have five minutes of NPR!


    Harv: No! [WHACK!] Bad hippy! [WHACK!] We don't use the N-word here! [WHACK!]


    Moving on, we have the cafeteria. Converting vegetarians can be difficult, so we usually start them off with McDonald's hamburgers, which are mostly just sawdust & rat turds anyway.


    Hippy: Please! Just one bite of tofu? A bean sprout? Anything that didn't used to have eyes?


    Harv: Here, eat this! [WHACK!]


    In this room, the Emperor is holding a class on Basic Human Decency:


    Misha: All right asshats, pop quiz: A Paleswinian explodes on a bus full of kids. Good or Bad?


    Hippy: Well, the root causes…


    Misha: WRONG! [WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!] There. Now you're smarter.


    Harv: Or deader.


    Misha: Eh. Whichever.



    Well, I gotta go lead a hygiene seminar. Thanks for coming, and ...


    Damn hippy! Stop trying to smoke the soap! [WHACK!]


    posted by Harvey at 7:45:35 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    When we get close, I want you to know that I get all weak and want to hold you forever.

    posted by Harvey at 7:32:05 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Often seen as the dope-smoker equivalent of driving a Ferrari, this bill illustrates how, by attempting to make a connection with a "large" figure in American History, some hippies will try to compensate for their *ahem* shortcomings.


    posted by Harvey at 7:29:41 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I agree with Owen: get these terrible weapons off the streets at once!


    posted by Harvey at 7:41:38 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    "The fragrance may occasionally leave something to be desired"

    Oddly enough, this statement is NOT about the French.

    It's about French wine. Mheh.


    posted by Harvey at 7:35:48 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Thursday, October 09, 2003


    Appears Matt takes some issue with an idiot cow-college psych prof who thinks it would be better to have the Cubs lose in order to maintain their "lovable loser mystique".

    Matt is not amused.

    Personally, having lived through 29 VERY dark years when Green Bay's nickname of "Titletown" was the sorriest joke in the league, I have some sympathy.

    And I don't even want to talk about the Brewers, thank you very much.


    posted by Harvey at 7:39:47 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    In all my years in the Navy spent mastering the polite and courteous use of the English Language, I have NEVER seen such a collection of jaw-droppingly pungent invective as what The Bartender unloads on France.

    It boggles the mind.

    posted by Harvey at 7:32:10 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    I've been stopping by Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon since the place opened, and I've been trying to figure out exactly what it is that makes it so compelling. I mean, it's just another blog, right? A few words & links & "so what? everybody's got one"




    Willie's is different. It really *feels* like a bar. I swear you can hear the tinking of glasses & murmured conversations, plus plenty of good-time laughter over by the bartender. And it's not just *any* bar. It's not the kind of bar run by an old, retired factory worker and solely patronized by his rummy chums. No, this is the kind of bar you thought bars would be like when you were 17 and couldn't get in. You heard the rumors of fun and frolic and pretty ladies, and you thought it'd be a special, magical place. Then when you finally reach "the age" you find out bars are really about sullen drunks and pool hustlers.


    Willie's is the kind of place you only see in beer commercials, with lots of laughter and pretty waitresses and good friends all around. There's an atmosphere of joviality that permeates everything, from the very professional drink recipes to the really atrocious jokes that you stopped hearing in the third grade.


    If it were brick & mortar, you'd walk in and feel at home before the grinning bartender even had a chance to give you a friendly wave (which would probably be all of about 5 seconds. The barkeep is more convivial than an Alderman running for re-election).


    Madfish Willie's is the quintessential "fine drinking establishment". Drop by & tell him Harv sent you. First drink's always on the house.


    ADDENDUM: I'm sure nobody has, but if you've ever read Spider Robinson's "Callahan's Crosstime Saloon"... yeah, it's like that.


    posted by Harvey at 7:25:45 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    If I'm busy tonight and I won't be doing much blogging, does it matter if I do a post saying, "I'm sorry, I'm busy tonight and I won't be doing much blogging."?

    Or should I skip the apology and just spend the time trying to cram in a last, quick post?

    I've seen "sorry for the lack of blogging" posts on a lot of pages, and I've always wondered if they really matter at all.


    posted by Harvey at 7:16:36 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    There is nothing that means more to me than the joys of life you've helped me see. With your openness and honesty... YOU will always have me and my love.

    posted by Harvey at 7:13:21 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Lesson learned:

    When gambling on international conflicts, always bet AGAINST the guy with the cheesy mustache.


    posted by Harvey at 7:10:37 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    For all you Alliance Members, Terrorist Whackers, and French Bashers, there's a new assignment up at Alliance HQ. Apparently there's broad support for mocking terrorists & their supporters. So, with that target in mind, the question has been posted:

    What would you say if you had the floor at a Jacques Chirac press conference?

    With answers due next Wednesday night.

    Boy, if anything ever just cried out for a top 10 list...


    posted by Harvey at 7:34:08 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    SilverBlue took a look in Evil Glenn's pantry and lookie what he found.


    posted by Harvey at 6:51:05 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Wednesday, October 08, 2003


    Kevin got the Bonfire going for the 14th time, and he brings sadism to a whole new level. To which I, and the rest of my fellow masoblogchists, can only gleefully shout HOO[ouch!]RAY!

    Actually, I think this here part would qualify as a smack with the ol' cat-o'-nine-tails:


    King of Fools is moving off of BlogSpot. There was great rejoicing in the comments, all "0" of them


    Damn, Kev, that's just plain mean. Talk about kickin' a blogger where it hurts!


    posted by Harvey at 11:45:30 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I don't believe this! The Mighty Bartender got his blogspotted permalinks working! Here's the quote from a recent e-mail:


    I finally have my permalinks straightened out. I guess you have to have the
    "Post Title" option set to yes in order for it to work.


    Joey!  Yeah, YOU, 18th birthday boy with the BS'd links. Are you paying attention?

    (and let this be the last time I have to say: Oct 8 if PAB, CTRL+F keyword "AH-NOLD")

    Today he is a man. Go give him one last patronizing pat on the head before the little whelp gets too big for his britches.


    posted by Harvey at 11:35:58 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Sgt. Mom says something I've believed for years. If a guy is making unwelcome sexual comments, stop being ladylike and just crush his groin (figuratively speaking). He'll stop:


    Is some guy saying something crude, offensive and demeaning to you? Nine out of ten, the offensive jerk has no clue, and if he does, he is a bully, and the way to stand up to either version is to stand up straight, step up toe to toe, take off the genteel white gloves, squash down all your instinctive ladylike inhibitions…. And be just as crude, offensive and nasty in response. Don’t cry, don’t whine, just go straight for the jugular, or other vulnerable area, and think of it as raising his consciousness, or establishing a good working understanding; that is, he will not grievously offend again, and if he does, you guarantee to serve up his balls on a silver plate, tastefully ornamented with a spring of parsley and perhaps a small tomato carved into the shape of a rose.


    [applause, whistles, cheers]

    You go, girl!



    posted by Harvey at 11:15:36 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    PhotoDude has the scoop, and says it so well, that I can't really add to it. I can only share:

    Jeff Jarvis notes that Michael Moore was on the Today show this morning, saying, “‘There is no terrorist threat.’ Lester Holt, shocked, says is there not evidence of a terrorist threat just two miles away? Moore says, ‘How many people died because of terrorism last year? None.’”

    Well, let’s check the list. I guess Australians are not people (August, 2002, 202 dead). Kenyans are not people (Nov., 2002, 16 dead). Saudis are not people (May, 2003, 34 dead). Moroccans are not people (May, 2003, 24 dead). Indonesians are not people (August, 2003, 12 dead).


    He just gets more deliciously snarky from there, so go take a peek.


    posted by Harvey at 11:08:59 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I was lucky in my college days. I was a Finance major, and a good portion of my profs were sensible, conservative, capitalist types, or at least not hideous leftist troll-preachers. There were a few exceptions, and having discovered Ayn Rand in my Sophomore year, I burned a lot of lot of good class time giving these lefty-loonies the old what-for and getting up on my laissez-faire soapbox.

    None of them ever took it out on my grades, though. Ever. Fact is, they were absolutely tickled pink just to have a student with an active mind in their class who did something besides fall asleep or ask "is this gonna be on the test?"

    J, over at Quibbles & Bits, had it a little rougher. He had his share of leftyvangelist profs, and a lot of them were not so tolerant as my crowd. But he did have one old-school-socialist teacher that was different:


    Dr. Ball was a leftist extraordinaire. He was a devout socialist, a Reagan hater, and a firm believer in the primacy of the State and the need for it to be run by the right people. But Ball was different – he was fair. He didn’t expect complicit agreement. He didn’t demand fawning students. And he didn’t punish you for being not being a socialist.

    Dr. Ball was one of the few professors I ever argued with, and argued at the top of my lungs. I was a young, hotheaded neo-libertarian, he an old school socialist, and we argued every class. He would pontificate on the need for this or that, or the Pure Evil of Reagan, and my hand would shoot up, arguments loaded and at the ready.

    Sometimes the arguments spanned philosophical aspects of politics.

    Sometimes we argued the finer points or public policy.

    Sometimes we just called each other names, when arguments exhausted themselves and tempers still simmered.

    We often ended up arguing until the class period expired.

    Other students sat slack-jawed and amazed at my temerity, taking on a professor instead of going along to get along. They fully expected my tests to come back with fat red circles for grades. I fully expected my papers to bleed violently, since I didn’t temper my arguments on the page, either. But Dr. Ball was different.

    My papers came back with honest grades. The points ticked off were for legitimately bad answers, such as a genuine misunderstanding of the facts surrounding a historic moment in the annals of the US Government. When I argued in essays from a perspective that the government had grossly overstepped its defined bounds, he wrote a nice little sidebar telling me that while he had not drawn the same conclusions, he was pleased with the organization of my arguments and the presentation, and gave me an A.


    If you've ever had a Dr. Ball of your own, you owe it to yourself to read the whole thing.



    posted by Harvey at 11:04:34 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Quibbles & Bits continues his drink-alertful series on meetings with God. This time Al Gore gets put through the wringer:


    “You surprised me,” Al said. “Would you like a chocolate? Momma always said life is like a box of chocolates.”

    “I know, Al,” the genial man replied. “And thank you, but no. I’ve had plenty of chocolate in my time, Al.”

    “Well, sir, you seem to know who I am. Who might you be?”

    “You don’t know?”

    “No, sir, I don’t,” Al drawled in his unique way.

    “Al, I’m your maker.”

    Guiseppe?” Al asked, “Is that you?”

    “No, no, Al. Wrong maker. I’m God.”


    Go on and find out why Al (surprise, surprise) doesn't make it into Heaven & what delights His Infernal Majesty has in store for ol' Chad-boy.


    posted by Harvey at 10:39:38 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I haven't had any spam placed directly in my comments yet (knock on wood), but I know other bloggers have. Fortunately, Evil Pundit has a little antidote available at his place. MT users especially might want to take a look.


    posted by Harvey at 10:21:54 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Ever notice that, in a lot of movies, the bad guy is a lot more interesting as a character than the good guy? No waffling, no internal struggles, just quick, effective decision-making. Usually involving shooting minions for no particular reason.

    Well, if you're looking to become both decisive and evil, the Emperor points out a hilarious 15-part training course, which includes such tips as:


    Work on your maniacal laugh. It is a bit of a cliche now, and not, strictly speaking, essential, but is still useful. Andropov never laughed, but then he didn't last very long did he? The more tools you have the better off you'll be. The laugh also lets people know you have a sense of humour and helps at both putting your allies at ease and scaring your enemies.

    Don't forget to fly into a frenzy over innocuous things. Unpredictability is your best friend. The key is to constantly surprise your friends and enemies. Remember: you are BAD.


    Warning: if you are, by nature, incredibly sweet, do not follow the above link.


    posted by Harvey at 10:17:54 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Mike, I'm still getting no love from Hotmail. I have some comments on your excellent idea, but I don't want to post them publicly at this stage. Any chance you could grab yourself a non-Hotmail e-mail addy that I could try mailing to?

    This is REALLY frustrating. I mean, if you can't talk to your bartender, what's the point of getting drunk?

    Bonus drink if Matt explains the point in the comments.


    posted by Harvey at 9:56:15 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    It's not being in love that makes me happy, it's being in love with YOU that makes me happy.

    posted by Harvey at 8:42:16 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    From "Counterfeiting For Dummies", p. 137:

    "When counterfeiting coinage, resist the temptation to hand-draw, and keep in mind that paper is NOT an appropriate medium for this endeavor."


    posted by Harvey at 8:40:28 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []




    Via Heather, I became aware of this story. Seemed innocent enough. A man gets bitten by a snake at a Texas Wal-Mart. No big deal, right? But then I noticed that the man's name was Hatchett, which sounds suspiciously like a hobo-murdering tool, so I wondered if it could be an alias for Evil Glenn. I called an inside source and obtained the audio tape from store security. Here's the transcript:


    Evil Glenn: Let's see. Need some new shoes... oooooh, these pretty pink open-toed sandals look fabulous! Wonder if they come in a size 10?


    Snake: Pssst! Glenn!


    Evil Glenn: What the...? A talking snake? Oh, you must be Satan. Hey, sorry about Black Mass the other night. Those candles looked black when I grabbed them. How was I supposed to know they were blueberry-cobbler-scented votives? Even so, I still thought they were plenty evil for a Tuesday night service and…


    Snake: Shut up, will ya? I'm not Satan. I'm just a normal talking snake, like you'd find anywhere in Texas.


    Evil Glenn: Kinda weird, but ok. What do you want?


    Snake: Some of the other snakes asked me to talk to you about that tattoo on your left hand.


    Evil Glenn: The one with the two penguins going at it that says ""?


    Snake: Oops. Sorry. I meant your right hand. Being limbless, I get those confused a lot.


    Evil Glenn: Oh, you mean the one that shows a penguin using a snake for a sex toy?


    Snake: Yeah, that one.


    Evil Glenn: Gotta spice things up somehow. Not my fault snakes are so phallic.


    Snake: I hear that a lot. But the point is that the members of the Slitherers Anti-Defamation League are really up in arms about this, figuratively speaking, and we think you should get it removed.


    Evil Glenn: Look, scale-face, it's my life, my body, and still a free country. I can do whatever the hell I want.


    Snake: Don't mess with me, Puppy Blender. I've got 2-inch fangs & more venom than Kate with PMS.


    Evil Glenn: Whatever. Go take a hike. Oh. I forgot. You don't have any feet. Heh. Indeed.


    Snake: Right! That does it! I'll just chew your damn hand off you miserable, subhuman scumbag!


    Evil Glenn: Lawy...


    Snake: [BITE! BITE! BITE!]


    Evil Glenn: OW! My precious fleshy artwork! Die snake!




    Evil Glenn: Oh geez! My hand's swelling up like Ted Kennedy's head. Hey! You! The Wal-Mart employee in the blue vest! Can I get a snake-bite kit over here?


    Wal-Martian: Dude. Like, I'm on break right now.


    Evil Glenn: AHHHHH! The pain! I'm dying!


    Wal-Martian: Dude! I'm Game-Boying here. Almost finished with level 267 of Tetris. Just chill.


    Evil Glenn: Strength... failing... Must... blend... puppy...


    Wal-Martian: Dude! Did you, like, just call me a guppy? I am SO not a guppy. As soon as I get off break, I'm kicking your ass.


    Evil Glenn: help... dying... puppy... Rosebud... [slumps to floor]


    Wal-Martian: Crap! The screen filled up. Game over, man. So, how may I help you?


    Evil Glenn: *twitch*


    Wal-Martian: Dude! You're like, really messed up & shit. Let me phone my supervisor... Mr. Skinner? Yeah. Looks like we got another snake bit victim in aisle 3... Alive? I dunno. He's still twitching, so I guess so... Pulse?… Just a sec...


    [grabs Evil Glenn's wrist]


    Dude! Nice penguin porn!



    Sadly, Evil Glenn was taken to the hospital where he made a full recovery. But at least now we know the secret of his tattoo, which will make him that much easier to spot next time he does his naked, drunken, bar-top Robot Dancing.





    posted by Harvey at 8:34:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    The Alliance is busy trying to dig up more information on Evil Glenn. This time they want to know:

    What does Evil Glenn's Tattoo look like & where is it?

    Well, I have it on good authority that the blasphemous, arrogant son-of-a-bitch has "Puppy Blender 3:16" tattooed in a circle around his left nipple.

    He's SO going to burn in hell.


    posted by Harvey at 7:37:38 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Tuesday, October 07, 2003


    Note to Bartender Taylor:

    I give up. All my e-mail to you keeps bouncing, so here are your messages:

    E-mail Susie to get on the Alliance Blogroll (see here for details under "how to join")

    A suggestion for where to get image hosting is in the comments to this post.

    And does ANYONE have any idea how to fix those god-forsaken Blogspot permalinks? As rampant as this problem is, I can't help noticing that Blogger ignores it completely in their so-called "support" section. HELP!


    posted by Harvey at 11:19:20 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    AMERICA'S #1 PIN-UP GIRL LOSES HER VIRGINITY far as writing Top Ten lists is concerned anyway. What gets me is that I couldn't care less about the Democratic presidential hopefuls, and I still thought this post was monitor-spittin' funny. I hope she doesn't keep this up. I'd really hate to have to add another blogger to my list of "bloggers I'll never be funnier than".


    posted by Harvey at 10:46:04 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.


    posted by Harvey at 10:39:26 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    My M-F'ing Radio software spent the last 15 hours refusing to let me create new entries or edit old ones. I'm too busy trying not to put my fist through my monitor to do any blogging tonight...

    ...well, maybe just a couple...


    posted by Harvey at 10:36:05 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Need the American Telemarketing Association's phone number? It's in a  Dave Barry column, the link to which is at the Psychotic Rant.


    posted by Harvey at 7:01:48 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Monday, October 06, 2003


    Quibbles & Bits has an amusing little post on the manly joys of playing working with chainsaws.

    What's sad about this is that I've never used a chainsaw in my life. The reason I enjoyed J's post so much is that I used to play a LOT of Doom in my bachelor days. And if you're familiar with the game, you may remember the pixelated-blood soaked joy of taking a chainsaw to one of those nasty, pink, shaved-gorilla-lookin' Demons.

    Thus my smile at reason #2 of the top ten reasons for using a chainsaw:


    2. Braaaaaap! Braaaaap! Braaaap! (hee hee hee hee hee)


    Blogless Brother Tom, care to back me up on this one?



    posted by Harvey at 11:09:59 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Three consecutive posts at American Digest that I found amusing:

    Sample 1:


    "Aim towards the Enemy."
    — Instructions printed on a US Rocket Launcher

    "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
    — U.S. Marine Corps

    "Bombing from B-52's is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
    — U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

    If the enemy is in range, so are you."
    — Infantry Journal

    "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
    — Army's magazine of preventive maintenance


    #2 - just a 15-second read, but good

    Sample 3:


    Paris mayor Bertrand Delano has bestowed honorary French citizenship on Mumia Abu-Jamal, convicted cop killer, who is on Pennsylvania death row.


    link to the link to the original article is at AD. That, and I love how he titled his entry.


    posted by Harvey at 10:49:03 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Go spend 10 seconds reading this at Dana's place. Trust me.



    posted by Harvey at 10:40:16 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Frankly, I don't know whether to be happy or sad about Dana's report on progress in the field of male contraception. It's not that I'm afraid of needles, or anything, it's just that if I'm busy getting all those hormone shots, I'll have less time for blogging.


    OUCH! Oh, and, uh, spending quality time with my Beloved Wife.

    [pat, pat, "much better answer, Honey"]



    posted by Harvey at 10:37:57 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I don't count calories, myself. I'm more of a "eat whatever, weigh myself, if the number's too high then don't eat so damn much tomorrow & maybe put a little more UMPH! into my lazy little workout" kinda guy. But as a service to the counters, I'd like to mention that Heather has the best links all together in one convenient little post.


    posted by Harvey at 10:30:23 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    200 WORDS OR LESS:


    Today's question comes from the book: "The Relationship Q&A":


    1. [Boxers or briefs?] Do you wander around in your underwear at home?


    Well,... not my underwear...


    posted by Harvey at 10:25:58 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Since being Irish in Chicago when the Cubbies are in the playoffs isn't reason enough to get:


    blitzed, blasted, blotto, bombed, cockeyed, crocked, ripped, looped, loaded, leveled, wasted, wiped, soused, sizzled, smashed, and schnockered. Stewed, stinko, stupid, tanked, totaled, tight, and tipsy. Not to mention feeling no pain, three sheets to the wind, in one’s cups, intoxicated, addle-pated, and pixilated


    Matt of Blackfive has to go invent the Blogger Drinking Game. Looks like I'll have to whip up a 200 Words or Less post so that both "by the rule" & "by the exception" players will get a drink today.


    posted by Harvey at 10:20:01 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Susie made me smile today. It's a 20-second read, so I can't excerpt it, but just trust me on this. If you go there and don't enjoy it, I'll cheerfully refund your 20 seconds.


    posted by Harvey at 10:11:42 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I never thought I'd say this, but given the choice between ogling this bit of Boots & Sabers gun porn and the best boobies in the blogosphere, I'd actually have to sit down and think it over...

    ...before I went for the boobies.



    posted by Harvey at 10:04:57 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Frank posted an important question at Alliance HQ that could have dramatic repercussions on what the Alliance is all about (plus provide more and better linkage for members). Even those not involved in the Blog War should have a look at this, because even if spreading Filthy Lies about Glenn Reynolds isn't your cup o' tea, you still might have something to gain by getting involved:


    Though destroying White Glenn and his evil minions is important, I see other, bigger things for the Alliance as well. I want us to be a portal to a blogosphere, the place for people new to the concept of blogging to come first. We'll have FAQ's on blogging and a glossary of blogging terms and point people to the important blogs (ours).

    The puppy blender doesn't want to be a news service, but I say we should be. We should have a site that has puts out daily all the worthwhile news and blog links, a one stop shop for people wanting to know what's going on in the world. Maybe Inoperable Terran can help on that initiative, already being a respected linker.

    Also, we should have another site dedicated to just giving people their daily does of humor (and thus would always have a link to my site each day, IMAO being the single greatest compendium of humor in the history of the universe). It would link to humor pieces on blogs and elsewhere (such as The Onion).

    So what does everyone think? The blogosphere is ours for the taking if we work for it.


    Go throw your 2 cents into the comments at HQ.


    posted by Harvey at 9:50:18 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Time to take another vacation in Frank's world:


    "Dah!" Arnold Schwarzenegger yelled as he picked up his desk and snapped it in two.

    "You have to calm down," President Bush told him, "You have to expect these kind of attacks from evil people like Gray Davis."

    "Woman have boobies and I like to touch them!" Arnold shouted, "Why is that wrong?"

    "Hey, I don't make the laws," Bush said defensively, but then thought for a moment. "Well, I do sign them."

    "And I no like Hitler!" Arnold said angrily, "Nazis are puny! I crush them! I am Ah-nuld!"


    Plenty more where that came from. Go read it. Drink Alert in effect.


    posted by Harvey at 9:44:32 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I'm not a t-shirt kinda guy, for the most part, but after seeing the "Bring 'em on, Allah" number that Cox & Forkum whipped up, I may have to re-think my clothing options...


    posted by Harvey at 9:41:20 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    After spending countless months as a welcome ghost in blog comments all over the 'sphere, Mike has finally taken his first steps on the road to becoming corporeal (in a virtual sort of way):


    Grand Opening Invitation!

    You are cordially invited to attend the Grand Opening of the blogosphere's newest Casual Drinking Establishment - Madfish Willie's, where every day's a holiday and every meal's a feast!

    Madfish Willie's is officially open for business at

    Madfish Recipe for Success™:
    Mix two parts Humor, one part Satire, 1/2 ounce of Common Sense, shaken, stirred, straight up, on the rocks, and ice cold! Garnish with liberal dose of Blog Linkage. Pour into giant plastic cup. Sit back in comfy chair and to hell with everything!

    So drop on by for a couple of beers and a little bit o' bullshittin'!


    Madfish Willie, The Bartender, & GoatHead


    You can start with "Happy Hour" (October 6 if PAB, CTRL+F keyword "happy hour") or just order something off the top shelf & work your way down.

    I guarantee it's better than Cheers, if for no other reason than a decided lack of Hollywood Asshats like Danson & Harrelson.


    posted by Harvey at 8:43:29 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Thoughts of you warm my heart like a moon lit summer night.


    posted by Harvey at 8:26:34 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    From "Blackfive's Guide to Serious Drinkin' for the Non-Irish", p. 27:

    "On Dollar Beer Night, always label your bills before you head out to the bar. That way, even if you're too drunk to remember what to order, you can still get the beer you want. Think of it as a "designated driver" for your wallet."


    posted by Harvey at 8:24:57 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Sunday, October 05, 2003

    200 WORDS OR LESS:



    Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":



    #231 If you could be any inanimate object for a day, what would you be?




    Actually, I had this experience recently. Just last week I bumped into Lucky again, and he turned me into a cloud...



    ...This ain't so bad. Just floating along with my fellow clouds... Hi fellow cloud!


    Fellow Cloud: Piss off!


    ... Well, that explains why clouds wander lonely. Maybe those geese are friendlier. Hi geese!


    AAAAAAHHH! They're crapping on me! EWWWW!


    Whoa. Hey. Passed right through. Cool.


    What's down there? A couple hippies smokin' a joint. I wonder if I can...


    [sprinkle sprinkle]


    Have some cloud-whiz, boys! Tough lighting a wet roach, ain't it? HA HA!... Stupid hippies.


    Look, there's bunches more. Must be a protest. What's that sign say? "No free blood for Mumia's oil"? What the...?


    OOOOOO! Those incoherent 60's temporal-lock-jawed fruitcakes make me so mad I could just...




    Cool! Lightning! That hippy's dancing the Flaming Macarena now!


    Hmmm... there's a parked truck carrying a load of Tide over there. I wonder...





    Just like Postal 2. Now...


    [sprinkle sprinkle]


    Heh. Those hippies are all shiny white & Republi-clean now.


    Ahhhh. Life is good...


    What the…? OH CRAP! 767 jet intake! NOOOOOOOOO!




    posted by Harvey at 11:05:42 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Signed, Algernon


    Lab Rats for the Ethical Treatment of Lab Rats

    posted by Harvey at 10:44:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    For me, you are the queen, the rest is just the rest.


    posted by Harvey at 7:29:12 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I just wanted to make this absolutely clear.

    There is no "peeing porn" at Bad Money.

    There is, however, plenty of XXX BLACK PEEING PORN, which is something entirely different.


    posted by Harvey at 6:47:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I have no love of telemarketers. But, thanks to my answering machine, caller ID, and Privacy Manager phone service (best invention since the touch-tone phone), I have the luxury of almost completely ignoring them.

    I understand, however, that some people may not be so fortunate. For them, I offer a link to the following story at the Emperor's Palace:


    You may or may not remember when Tucker Carlson, "conservative" CNN hack, thought he was awful clever a while ago.

    He was all up in arms, defending TeleMarketSpamming Whores From Hell™, when somebody asked him if he'd like to have pond scum tying up his phone line 24/7.

    And Tucker is oh so clever, so he said "sure" and gave the number to, not his own phone, but to the phone of FOX News, Washington.

    "Ha HA!", Tucker thought, "that'll teach those FOX bastards who keep trying to steal our viewer [not a typo - M.]", and there was much self-congratulatory patting of own back in the boys' locker room afterwards.

    So FOX, after a gazillion calls, turned the tables and published Tucker's REAL number on their website.

    Turnabout is fair play, no?


    Naturally, the answer is no, but Misha breaks out the clue bat & does some fine bashing. Go read the whole thing.


    posted by Harvey at 6:38:45 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    RUSH 1, MCNABB 0

    Rush Limbaugh has been accused of making a "racist comment" because he criticized Donovan McNabb's performance and claimed, in part, that McNabb's media popularity had a lot to do with his race.

    First, let's remember that the NFL recently fined Matt Millen $200,000 for not interviewing a black man for the head coaching position in Detroit before hiring Steve Mariucci. So, yeah, race matters in the NFL.

    Anyway, via Quibbles & Bits, there comes statistical evidence from Slate that Rush was right.

    See, he told you so.


    posted by Harvey at 6:30:22 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Displaying a decidedly un-feline aspect, Lynn's cat shows apparent remorse for using her copy of "The Goldberg Variations" as a scratching post.


    posted by Harvey at 6:21:52 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Not that I want to see them continue their winning streak, but that was a fine last-second comeback today.

    Mostly I'm happy because Beloved Wife was the only one who picked them in her office pool, so their victory really boosted her overall score.


    posted by Harvey at 6:18:01 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I'm trying to get someone set up on Blogspot so he can start blogging. He'd like to post the occasional photo on his blog. Does anyone know of a free image-hosting place that allows links from outside web pages?


    posted by Harvey at 5:54:45 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I don't laugh out loud at things I read. You have to surprise me to make me make noise, and I'm not easily surprised. But when P.J. O'Rourke is doing the writing, there's a surprise around every corner. No man alive is quicker with an off-the-wall, yet completely dead-bang accurate metaphor.

    Danny, from Blog O'DOB, recently attended one of PJ's speaking engagements and brought back some juicy quotes:


    John Kerry: "He claims he voted for threatening Iraq with the use of force, but not for actually using force. The technical term for this in political science is 'bullshit.'"

    Dennis Kucinich "Then there's Dennis Kucinich, from our own state of Ohio--round on the ends and high in the middle. He's a complete idiot. He wants to create a cabinet-level 'Department of Peace'--in short, to do for the war on terror what the U.S. Postmaster General does for mail."


    And yes, I left some more over at DOB's place, so go get 'em

    (October 1 if PAB, CTRL+F keyword "Atlantic")


    posted by Harvey at 3:51:52 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Venomous Kate has this week's edition of Hunting of the Snark. There are a lot of good writers in a lot of bad moods in this, all expressing themselves well. Lots of good stuff to be found, but I particularly liked Brian's double shot at Clinton & Gore's limosine-liberal "hate the rich but are the rich" hypocrisy. (October 1 if PAB, CTRL+F keyword "250,000")


    posted by Harvey at 3:35:18 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Saturday, October 04, 2003



    With every moment we share, every smile, every touch, I become more certain that in you, I've found something I've looked for... for a very long time. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know how much your love excites me, and how happy I feel when I'm with you. And from this day forward... that's more than enough.



    posted by Harvey at 6:53:35 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Those that would have us disarm, withdraw, apologize and retreat make the assumption that by removing American Power from the world, the planet will become a harmonious village of diversity and mutual respect. Remove American capitalism, and the world’s people will trade solar cars for indigenous beads, our European moral betters will hand over their cash to the third world until all are perfectly equal, and everyone will live in a sustainable ecological paradise. Remove American cultural power and Britney will be replaced with Beethoven, and an exquisite and reasonably priced Pate de Foi Gras Existentialist Meal can be had at a corner drive in where the former McDonald’s once stood.

    This is utter nonsense. It has never been true for a single page of the history of the Damned Human Race. There has never – never – been a day in human history when some form of power has not flooded the world, or competed to do so; and those times when the power was most one-sided reveal themselves to be the times of greatest relative peace, stability, and advancement of that quaint notion known as civilization.

    This is not merely a European construct. We see this iron rule in Inca and Aztec histories in South America, in Shaka’s Zulu nation, in Chinese empires and Japanese Shogunates, Native American tribal relations, and wherever else we turn our eyes.

    The idea that all would be well if only America would retreat from the world and stay at home is a pernicious and seductive one. It appeals not only to those that hunger after the freedom to do mischief in our absence as it does to our natural sense of isolationism. It has been the mantra of communists, totalitarians and elitists of every vile stripe for well over a hundred years. It is utterly and completely wrong. Political power has never been removed from the world – it has only been replaced. And so our choice – now pay attention you No Blood For Oil types – is not between power and no power. It is a choice only of what kind of power will fill that vacuum. Chinese? Russian? European? We have seen all of these before. The horrors they have inflicted, with far less absolute power than the US wields, do not leave me pining for those alternatives. Someone is going to be the world power, or tear the world apart fighting for it. And no matter how hard we may wish it, the winner will not be a Blindfolded Jury of Archangels.


    Took me about half an hour to finish it. But I was reading slowly. Much slower than I usually do. Every word was wine and heady perfume and other analogies for pleasure.

    Bill Whittle was ON in this one, start to finish.

    Read Power.


    posted by Harvey at 7:07:43 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Friday, October 03, 2003


    Look, I like Rush Limbaugh. I think picking on him for his alleged drug problems is just plain mean.

    So why the HELL did I enjoy Don's cruel mockery?

    Probably just the brilliant execution.

    Or maybe it's because, being an atheist myself, I once had a conversation with God quite similar to the one Don had, and I'm just having some "testify, my brother" sympathy pains for him.

    Right now I'm consoling myself with the fact that, after he hits "Higher Being" status in the Ecosystem, I can at least say, "Yeah, I know Don. Hell, I used to link to him back when he was just a blogspotling."


    posted by Harvey at 10:39:01 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    PIN 'EM UP

    Bowing to peer pressure, America's #1 pin up girl has graced the blogosphere with her rack-o-licious delights. Discover all the sordid details (as well as find out how to support a great cause or two) over at Note-It Posts.

    Oh, and congratulations, Dana, on your new-found flying abilities. Here's your prize, Flappy Bird.


    posted by Harvey at 10:26:20 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Well, I guess I'm going to have to put Matt on my list of "bloggers I'll never tell stories better than".

    Now that he's finally learned how to get to the damn point in a timely fashion, that is. Heh.

    Anyway, this particular story strikes a chord in me for 2 reasons: First, it was thanks to the Navy that I first learned the utter irrelevance of skin color when it comes to matters of character. Second I detest, despise, and loathe Affirmative Action programs for exactly the reason that his friend Paul hates black panhandlers.

    What are you still doing here? Go there.


    posted by Harvey at 10:13:23 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I've seen black holes with less sucking power than this week's New Blog Showcase. Susie's intro at HQ really nails the dilemma Alliance members face this week.

    I'm really disappointed. Damn near every week there's something that just reaches out and grabs my brain in a death-grip of fascination. This week - blah.

    However, I'm gonna give the nod to Rodger Payne's blog and the entry More on Mylroie and Manufacturing Consent (Friday, Sept 19 if PAB, CTRL+F keyword "consent")

    Why? Because it's probably the best example I've ever seen of the importance of adding a link to the original post when creating a follow-up entry. I had no idea who the &#$% Mylroie was during the entire length of the piece, so I had no idea why the &#$% he was writing this piece.

    Dude, you have a BLOG. You can add LINKS to your supporting information. As a &#$%ing courtesy to your reader, please take the time to do so or get the &#$% out of the blogosphere.

    Matt, give this crapweasel conspiracy theorist a Shirley Temple.


    posted by Harvey at 9:53:22 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    WHACKIN' SONG SHOWCASE up at Alliance HQ. I haven't heard this much good music since my funeral.


    posted by Harvey at 9:19:33 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    My Beloved Wife pointed out the following filler article in our local newspaper advertising supplement:


    Fans of character toys and of Barbie will get their fill next year as Mattell introduces a new wave of dolls based on pop culture icons.

    In November, Aragorn and Arwen from the Lord of the Rings trilogy will appear on toy shelves in the form of a Barbie and Ken gift set.

    A new twist on superheroes will occur next year when Mattel releases bendy-body Barbies decked out as Batgirl, Supergirl, and Wonder Woman.

    And the diminutive Kelly and Tommy dolls will suit up as cartoon characters from The Flintstones and Scooby-Doo in 2004.

    Kelly will also appear in a series dressed as Disney princesses Snow White, Ariel, and Cinderella.


    To answer your question: no, nothing is sacred anymore.

    And I heard that the NEXT Barbie will be in the shape of a wheel-chock so that JRR Tolkien can be stopped from spinning in his grave.


    posted by Harvey at 9:11:07 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    How blessed I am that I can walk beside you, lean upon you, and live within the warmth of your love.


    posted by Harvey at 8:52:05 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Sure it's got the crappiest state quarter yet produced, but, thanks to my beloved wife, I've discovered that there's at least one other advantage to living in Wisconsin, in addition to a decided lack of voles, stoats, marmots & woodpeckers:


     A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting
     in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some
     souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into
     Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the
     burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the
     fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
     After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got
     the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was
     doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in
     line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you
     tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of
     Hell with the others?"
     "Ah, those . . ." Satan said with a groan. "They're all
     from Wisconsin. They're still too cold and wet to burn."


    All right Flatlander, let's see ya top THAT!


    posted by Harvey at 8:48:43 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Per the Alliance HQ assignment to find music to whack terrorists by, I find myself recalling 3 music videos which I downloaded this spring from Grouchy Media. Basically, Grouchy gathered up some impressive videos of American firepower in action, and set them to some fast-paced, fist-pumping music. The result makes you want to jump up and shout OOO-RAH!

    1) Taliban Bodies - Set to the song "Bodies" by Drowning Pool, this video was made in October '01, at the beginning of operations in Afghanistan.

    2) Die Terrorists Die - Set to the song "Die M*****F***** Die" by Dope, this video was made in August '02, in that awkward "between operations" period. (Warning: explicit lyrics).

    3) Bomb Saddam - Set to the rap song "Bombs Over Baghdad" by Outkast, and re-mixed with a little Rage Against the Machine for extra crunchiness, this video was made in February of 2003, just before the deal went down in Iraq.

    These videos run about 4-7meg for the teeny weeny versions, but I GUARANTEE you that they are worth the time to download.

    If for no other reason, you need to see these so you can understand what kind of firepower our forces are unleashing in the Land of Nasties. This stuff makes "Shock and Awe" look like a wet firecracker.


    posted by Harvey at 7:46:46 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Thursday, October 02, 2003

    I WIN!

    The Feces Flinging Monkey gave me a prize!


    Site Of The Day

    Bad Money wins the prize with this post.


    I'm flattered. I'm honored. I don't know what to say...

    Except... why do you have a naked picture of Hillary Clinton in the upper right?

    Oh well, I guess the "hot chick with a gun" pic makes up for it.

    And no, I'm not going to go for the pussy joke on that one picture. I'll leave that as an exercise for my readers to perform in the comments, if they so desire.


    posted by Harvey at 10:32:26 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Love is when thoughts of but one woman fill your heart, when she means more than life to you, when you know you would do anything for her and shall die if she is taken from you. Desire is when you ache to see her and touch her, when she causes your body to burn and tremble.


    posted by Harvey at 10:12:23 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I got this via the random IMAO quote generator at, uh, IMAO:


    (note to self: when asking, "What would Jesus do?" remember that the answer is sometimes "Freak out and knock over tables.")


    Heh. And you wonder why I go there every day.


    posted by Harvey at 10:04:14 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    [Some day I'm going to marry you. I love you with everything I have. I would do anything just to see you smile.]

    Awwww... Evil Glenn has a crush on the Prince of Darkness. Isn't that cute?


    posted by Harvey at 10:00:03 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Gun-grabbing, mealy-mouthed, whiny-bitch liberals for lying through their black-and-green rotting teeth for SO DAMN LONG:


    ATLANTA, Oct 2 (Reuters) - A report published by the Centers for Disease Control on Thursday found no conclusive evidence that gun control laws help to prevent violent crime, suicides and accidental injuries in the United States.


    I think I'll celebrate by getting me one of these.

    (mmmm... gun porn)

    (Hat tip to my blogless old high school chess club buddy for the Reuters link)


    posted by Harvey at 9:24:06 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Via the Carnival of the Vanities #54, I discovered some software that can actually perform without crashing (unlike Outlook Express, which died & took the contents of my Inbox folder this morning) at Happy Furry Puppy Story Time. Just type in an "unpopular development" and out pops Bill O'Reilly's answer. For example:


    (1) Unpopular Development: Sun will run out of fuel in several billion years. Program Spits Out: I say "Mr. Sun, you're just not trying hard enough". If our forefathers had displayed the same kind of shameful lack of stick-to-it-iveness of your fusion core, the Pilgrims would have drowned halfway across the Atlantic. We appreciate your life-sustaining heat, but I have a feeling you're taking what middle America does for you for granted.


    Don't get me wrong, I like Bill O'Reilly. When it comes to bitch-slapping liberal asshats, there's none finer. But he does have a tendency to become... flaky... on occasion. However you feel about the man, the Bill O'Reilly-ware Beta v3.0 is a quality product.

    (9-26-03 if PAB, CTRL+F keyword "international")


    posted by Harvey at 9:13:42 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Over at Quibbles & Bits, J has an excellent suggestion for a UN Resolution that would actually do some good. It reads, in part:


    We, the United Nations, do resolve to stop being nattering nitwits.

    We, the United Nations, also resolve that the US was right all along and invading Iraq has resulted in a net gain of liberty in the world, even though the plethora of petty dictators who run this here international body are quaking in their boots at the thought of the US laying some smack down on them for the same exact reasons.

    We, the United Nations, resolve that we'll get off our collective asses and help the US fight terrorism.


    If they don't pass it, we'll just send in Rumsfeld to do a little strangling "persuading".


    posted by Harvey at 8:59:10 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    America's #1 pin-up girl has hinted that she'll be willing to boobify her blog (for a good cause, of course) if she gets enough encouragement from her readers. Drop by Note-It Posts and give her a round of applause. Tucking dollars into her G-string is optional.

    Susie's still holding out on the thong pictures for now, but at least she's given us a couple of things to look at until the main event.

    She's also wondering if her blog needs more pink. I say Practical Penumbra should have all the pink that Susie can show us.

    Whaddya mean "that sounds dirty"? You people are a bunch of degenerates!


    posted by Harvey at 8:50:18 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    In the midst of Matt's inebriated Irish drinking celebration, he listed the bloggers that he'd most like to have at the bar with him. It reads like a who's who of blogger greatness.

    Then he threw my name on the list. Twice. He must've been REALLY drunk when he posted it.

    And as honored and flattered as I am, I'm hesitant to accept the offer after finding out what happened when he got drunk with a Turkish General and a smart-ass Master Sergeant.

    Gee, Matt, I'll toast your health, but if you're lookin' for lovin', rumor has it that Susie's got a much better set of *ahem* attractive qualities.


    posted by Harvey at 8:28:12 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    There's a poll up at HQ on whether a second front should be opened in the Blog War to include devastating attacks on terrorists and their supporters. Vote now. The future of Alliance humor depends on you.



    posted by Harvey at 6:26:14 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    The only party that is publicly committed to:
    -raising prices
    -destroying industry
    -causing inflation
    -ruining the economy


    Oddly enough, it's not the Democrats. Absinthe & Cookies can tell you the rest.


    posted by Harvey at 6:13:59 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Absinthe & Cookies has a link to the Return of the King trailer. Go to her place for the link and leave a "thank you" in the comments.

    Once again I find myself actually looking forward to December in Wisconsin. Third year in a row. Go figure.


    posted by Harvey at 6:07:47 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Joey over at Single White Male, desperately trying to hit the double-digit comment mark, has a question which no doubt stems from the evil days of his hippie youth (or youth-er, since he's still 17):

    If you could only bathe once a year, on which day would you do it, and why?

    (Monday, September 29 if PAB) After you leave him an answer, scroll down really fast, and stop to admire the gun porn and the photoshopped pic of Michael Moore in clown make up.

    Oh, and tell him to get off Blogspot.


    posted by Harvey at 6:28:44 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Wednesday, October 01, 2003




    It never fails. I'd just settled in for a quiet evening of blogging when the phone rang...


    Harv: Hello?


    Evil Glenn: Hey Harv. Sorry to interrupt your blogging, but I needed some advice.


    Harv: Ah, that's ok, I... wait... how did you know I was blogging?


    Evil Glenn: I was able to tap into your webcam when you opened the attachment on that "Hot Blogger Chicks In Thongs" e-mail I sent you.


    Harv: What the...? I thought that was from Susie! You rotten... uh, I mean, I don't know what you're talking about.


    Evil Glenn: Anyway, I've been thinking. Even with the powers granted to me by the Prince of Darkness, I'm not going to live forever. Yet I just can't STAND the thought of my Dark Blogging Empire ever fading away. I've decided to take steps to keep my Dominion young forever.


    Harv: You've hired Cher's plastic surgeon?


    Evil Glenn: Yes, but that's beside the point. I've decided to open a day-care center so that I can indoctrinate impressionable youth into my evil ways. With a little luck, I'll be able to find a Damien-like protégé to succeed me and keep the blogosphere oppressed in the event of my demise.


    Harv: But you're already ensconced in the vilest pit of human evil known to man! Surely finding a demonic successor would be easy at a law school?


    Evil Glenn: You'd think so, but the sad fact of the matter is that, by the time they get here, the students have already acquired a taste for human blood, and it's hard to get them into the puppy groove. Gotta start 'em young if you want a properly twisted mind. Just ask any tree-hugging public school teacher.


    Harv: Good point. So what's the curriculum gonna be like at Evil Glenn's Puppy Blending Day Care Center and Hobo Murdering Emporium?


    Evil Glenn: Actually, I'm calling it Happy Smiling Glenn's Super Duper Extra Fun Story Time & Sing Along Playground of Niceness.


    Harv: You realize that name is 100% unadulterated bullshit, right?


    Evil Glenn: Lawyer


    Harv: Touché


    Evil Glenn: I have to admit, you Alliance folk came up with a great idea on that song & story collection. It's what really inspired me on this project.


    Harv: How so?


    Evil Glenn: For example, children's stories have a lot of influence on young minds, so I'll be reading them books from my personal collection to get them on the right track.


    Harv: Like what?


    Evil Glenn: Mostly classic fairy tales, like "Sleeping Blender", "Blenderella", "Blenderstiltskin", "Goldilocks and the Three Blended Puppies", stuff like that.


    Harv: That's horrible! You can't just take innocent children's stories and twist them to suit your own warped agenda!


    Evil Glenn: Worked for Disney, didn't it?


    Harv: That's not the point! It's just plain wrong! And besides, the kids will get bored with nothing but puppy stories.


    Evil Glenn: Gotcha covered. I've already ordered copies of "Hobo & Gretel", "Little Red Hobo Killer", and "Snow White and the Seven Murdered Hobos".


    Harv: You're despicable! I suppose you've got the Communism angle covered, too?


    Evil Glenn: "The Wizard of Mao”


    Harv: You disgust me. I’m hanging up.


    Evil Glenn: Wait! You haven’t heard the songs yet! Check this out:


    “I love puppies, yes I do.

    Blend them into bloody goo!

    Mix them up and drink them down,

    Bestest yummy shake in town!


    Puppies, puppies, blend them up!

    Have a glass of pureed pup!

    Tastes like chicken, ain’t that nice?

    Serve them cold with lots of ice!”


    Harv: You monster!


    Evil Glenn: Oh, there’s more:


    Penguins, penguins, they’re so cute.

    See them in their birthday suit.

    Naked as the day they're hatched,

    Sicko pervert itch is scratched.


    I love penguin porn you see,

    Prancing bare-assed just for me.

    Penguins are so very nice.

    Watch them mating on the ice.”


    Harv: Feel dirty. Must shower now.


    Evil Glenn: Suit yourself, but don’t forget to block the webcam first.


    Harv: You filthy, revolting, vile, cold-blooded fiend!


    Evil Glenn: Lawyer. [click]


    Harv: DAMN you Glenn Reynolds!



    It’s bad enough he’s inflicting his foulness on bloggers the world over, but now he’s planning on indoctrinating innocent youth into his Circus of Corruption. We must stop him NOW!




    posted by Harvey at 9:52:28 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Looks like I'll have to add Don to my ever-growing list of "bloggers I'll never be funnier than".

    Between yet another tale of his secret life outside of IT, and one of the best filthy lies about The Evil Glenn Reynolds that I've read in a long time, he makes me feel like Bob Newhart opening up for Robin Williams.

    Excuse me while I go re-read some of Frank's humor tips. Maybe I can still salvage something before I wind up in the gutter or community theater.




    posted by Harvey at 7:14:41 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    The strongest woman in the blogosphere has moved off of Blogspot, as has the world's funniest Objectivist. My apologies for the delay in getting my blogroll updated.

    By the way, Heather & Don, feel free to use those if you're looking for a good "what other people are saying about my blog" quote.


    posted by Harvey at 7:03:30 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    With each glance into your beautiful eyes, I fall in love over and over again.


    posted by Harvey at 6:10:25 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    After some deliberation, "Oompa Loompa" decided to go with option 2.


    posted by Harvey at 6:06:26 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    The Free State Project is a plan in which 20,000 or more liberty-oriented people will move to a single state of the U.S., where they may work within the political system to reduce the size and scope of government. The success of the Free State Project would likely entail reductions in burdensome taxation and regulation, reforms in state and local law, an end to federal mandates, and a restoration of constitutional federalism, demonstrating the benefits of liberty to the rest of the nation and the world.


    I've been keeping an eye on this project for the last couple years, and find myself intrigued by the possibilities. I currently have familial obligations that keep me rooted in cheese-cow-corn land, but should those binds become untied, I'm considering the possibilities...


    posted by Harvey at 5:56:09 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I found out that some of the permalinks to specific UCMJ articles in the "No Protection" post weren't working, so I got those fixed. Sorry about the confusion on those.


    posted by Harvey at 5:35:06 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

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