Bad Money
A celebration of graffiti currency and other off-the-wallery


"The frightening power of Harvey's filthy lies makes me tremble like a Frenchman. I frequently wet myself in terror and... Oops... damn." - Glenn Reynolds

Raucus Comedy:
Pathetic Tragedy:



Subscribe to "Bad Money" in Radio UserLand.

Click to see the XML version of this web page.

Click here to send an email to the editor of this weblog.


Bad Money

  Thursday, November 27, 2003


Up & running at Setting the World to Rights. I must admit, the intros tended more towards the "poke the writer in the ribs" side than usual. It was like a Bonfire writ large. And for my part, I enjoyed the intros more than a lot of the entries. I had some trouble finding anything I liked (well, except the spanking posts, of course). Probably because I'm in a fairly chipper mood right now, and most of the entries seemed heavy & dour. Nevertheless, I DID like this one. A short bit of humor, and besides, I think I knew that girl...


posted by Harvey at 11:37:35 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Burning at Kevin's. Not so much suck as long-winded.

But I rather liked Susie's entry, which contains the following:

"joy... oil... on top of... fun"

I like her beacause she's so naughty :-)


posted by Harvey at 10:28:43 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Big-boobied braless bloggerettes.


posted by Harvey at 9:43:07 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


My partner forced me to wear it, thus making me look and feel like a libidinous man's plaything, becoming nothing more than a sexual object in his eyes

I'm taking this line out of context from a post at Meryl's which I found via Kevin. I like it better this way, because in the original post, it was written so as to be a BAD thing.


posted by Harvey at 9:30:51 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Lynn says it best. The other 364 days a year, we work and plan and schedule and worry and fuss:


And then there's Thanksgiving. A lot of planning goes into our big celebrations but once the day is here everything stops. It's almost like going back in time. Families get together and really spend time together. We actually talk. Nothing deep. Why spoil the day with too much seriousness? We talk about the food, how tight our clothes are getting, how fast the kids are growing; we re-tell the same stories we have told on every other Thanksgiving we can remember. It doesn't matter what we talk about. What's important is that we're relaxing and spending time together without feeling guilty about not being somewhere else.



posted by Harvey at 9:08:59 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Wednesday, November 26, 2003




So I was chatting with Blogless Brother Tom the other night, and it seems he's had another run-in with Evil Glenn. He'd been struggling with the set-up of his new Hackmaster 3000 Hi-Speed CD-ROM Cloning Machine...


Tom: YARRR! Shiver me timbers! Another blue screen o' death! And another half-hour wasted fiddling with this monstrosity! I'm already behind on that Hong Kong order as it is... Where did I put those instructions?


[flipping up eye-patch, revealing a good eye]


[RING... RING... RING...]


Tom: Crap! Now what? I hope it's not Gates whining about licensing fees again. $300 billion in the bank and that pussy keeps carping about a few crates of illicit knock-offs...


[reaching for the phone & knocking over a stack of CD's crudely hand-labeled "Micorsoft Windoos 2000"]


Tom: Hello?


Evil Glenn: Hey Cap'n Yo Ho. Nice eye patch. Did that parrot come with the outfit or did you steal him from a Monty Python sketch?


Tom: Blow me, Puppy Blender. I'll have you know that this is traditional ceremonial garb in my line of work, and... wait a minute... how did you know what I'm wearing?


Evil Glenn: Check the web cam behind ya, Long John.


Tom [spinning around and squinting at his computer]: What the...? How did you get control of my web cam, you commie lovin', Robot Dancing bastard?


Evil Glenn: Same way I hacked your Currency Freak brother - you clicked when you should've clacked. Gotta be careful opening attachments in those "free pr0n" e-mails.


Tom: I was researching my novel!


Evil Glenn: Whatever. *slurrrrp* - *spitooie!*


Tom: EWWWW! WHAT was that disgusting sound?


Evil Glenn: Just doing a little product development on my PuppyGainer 2000 Power Shake product. We're still having a little trouble getting the toenails out during the filtering process.


Tom: Well, dog-breath, I'd love to sit here being revolted all night, but a cloner's work is never done. I've to places to go, people to swindle, and copyrights to infringe. Here - enjoy my  cat's ass for a while.


[chucking web-cam into a nearby litter box]


Evil Glenn: How dare you resist my intrusive invasion of your privacy! I have every right to enter your home against your wishes at the time and method of my choosing! The Telemarketer's Guild shall hear of your insolence and you'll go as deaf as Rush Limbaugh from the cacauphonous din of unwanted insurance salesmen! You dirty, double-crossing, disrespectful dirt-bag!


Tom: Pirate!






posted by Harvey at 11:21:16 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bed rock!


posted by Harvey at 11:08:08 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Harv: What's this, Matt O'Blackfive?

Matt: It's my pick for the blogosphere "Who's going to win the Super Bowl?" pool.

Harv: But, Matt... the Cubs are a baseball team.

Matt: Obviously you've never seen them play.


posted by Harvey at 11:07:00 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


... a post at Angelweave explaining that her Christmas card list is too short. So, if you would like a Christmas card from her, all you have to do is tell her where to send it. Yes, I'm being serious for a change.

She's such a sweetie :-)


posted by Harvey at 7:53:02 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


After Susie's ass-burning on the voting issue yesterday, I checked the trackbacks to her post & noticed that Denita had immediately gone out & voted. I looked at the Black & Decker piece she recommended - DAMN funny! The only trouble is that the permalink listed at the Bear's showcase is to the blog & not the actual post (although the post is on top of the blog right now, so you don't really notice).

I e-mailed the Bear about the problem (although more complaints might be helpful, since he hibernates during the week, and this really shouldn't wait), so hopefully this will get straightened out, because even though Denita has links to both the Bear-provided link and the actual permalink, her vote didn't count yet.


So bug the Bear, and I'll keep an eye on the situation.

posted by Harvey at 7:04:26 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



Ok, you assgoblin anti-war protesters, I’m gonna give you what you always wanted - I’m going to stifle your dissent, just like the tin-foil-hat-wearing panic-mongers have been claiming would always happen under the EEEEEVIL John Ashcroft. The soon-to-be-passed American Sharia laws will unleash cruel and unusual punishments for your unpatriotic displays:




First offense: a dirty look


Second offense: a 5 minute “time out”


Third offense: a stern talking-to


Fourth offense: no dessert


Fifth offense: a 10 o’clock curfew


Sixth offense: sent to your room


Seventh offense: loss of cell phone privileges for 2 days


EightH offense: When I was your age, I respected my elders!


Ninth offense: Are you listening to me?


Tenth offense: Fine! F*** you! You had your chance! – First, we’re gonna handcuff you to this chair and make you listen to Rush Limbaugh for 96 hours straight, then we’re gonna make you bathe WITHOUT using patchouli oil, then you'll get a haircut, a real job, and you WILL start paying rent, young man!


Eleventh offense: Death by Bulunga!



posted by Harvey at 12:20:19 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Tuesday, November 25, 2003



Now, when you say "never work again", do you mean as in "won the lottery", or as in "Michael Jackson"?



posted by Harvey at 11:45:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Via Boots & Sabers, I found this list, part of which I will share:


11. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

12. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

13. Have a plan.

14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.


Oh, and the one that's not on the list that I got from watching Raiders of the Lost Ark:

Never bring a sword to a gun fight.


posted by Harvey at 11:11:25 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


With the brilliant exception of today's In My World ("Uh,... copper is a type of rubber"), Frank J. has spent a lot of time either not posting or making excuses for not being funny, neither of which is really in character for him. I've been really confused...

Then I discovered the truth.

Look, I know Frank has had a serious phobia about monkeys for a long time, but recently it's degenerated into a sick, tragic, obsessive-compulsive problem that's starting to tear his life apart.

Fortunately, he's getting some help now, which is the real reason posting is going to be light at IMAO for the next few days.

Godspeed Frank, get well soon. If Rush can do it, you can, too.


posted by Harvey at 11:05:50 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Picture that I got from my Blogless Brother Roy:


posted by Harvey at 10:48:18 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Beth of She Who Will Be Obeyed suspects that I blog nekkid just because I post love notes to my Beloved Wife all the time.


But I will confess to being nekkid before tonight's blogging session.

A - B - C - D...


posted by Harvey at 10:36:46 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Eric of Straight White Guy has the scoop on a horrid highway accident. I must weep now.


posted by Harvey at 10:31:25 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


So it's the 40th anniversary of JFK's death. For those who remember, it's a major event. For those not yet born, it's kind of a dull topic. Look, I understand some of you had feelings for JFK. That's all good. But for those of us who thought he was as over-rated as a Michael Moore documentary, read Steve's take on it.


posted by Harvey at 10:26:57 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


When I was in kindergarten, I used to make paper snowflakes. It was pretty cool, but quite time consuming, and my designs always seemed fairly lame.

Thanks to the currently vacationing Trey Givens, I found a place where you can make virtual paper snowflakes (Flash 6 required, download available at link). It's much faster than the real thing, and you don't have to clean up that scrappy-paper mess afterwards. Plus you can preview you flake, to see if your design is on the right track.

So go play in the snow :-)


posted by Harvey at 10:22:38 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Via American Digest, I discovered that we're developing a new weapons system


The US military has begun development of an ultra-high speed weapons system that would enable targets virtually anywhere on Earth to be hit within two hours of launch from the continental US.


Bring. It. On.




posted by Harvey at 10:13:40 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


The answer to this question, as well as the continuing saga of America's invasion of Canada, can be found in the long-awaited (VERY long-awaited) part 4 of "2015", now available at BigStick.US.

Be sure to look for the Monty Python reference.

UPDATE: WOW! Part 5 is already up, too. I haven't had the chance to read it yet, but Jeff has a deft sense of comedy, and... wait, why don't I just read it quick... nope, must blog, no time. But having read the first few lines, I feel safe in recommending it:


"Outrageous!" screamed the French foreign minister. "Zees is not acceptable! Ze United States has gone mad wiz ze powair!"

"I appreciate the comment," said the Secretary General, "but can you quit with the stupid accent?"

"Alright, fine." replied Minister Pierre Douverac, "as long as I can still wear the makeup and the dress."


Also, Jeff promises to keep the new episodes coming out faster in the future so that you don't forget where you are in the story.

If you like the story, feel free to jingle Jeff's "help me buy a camera" tip jar. A couple bucks, $1 dollar, or even just round off the cents in your PayPal balance. Every little bit helps. And remember, since he's begging & desperate, you can hit him up for links, some banner design help, or even some obscene sexual favors in exchange for the money. Take full advantage of his weak bargaining position.

And if you'd like to start from the beginning, here's a link to the "2015" Category, wherein the whole saga can be found. Start at the bottom & work your way up.


posted by Harvey at 10:05:18 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Via Blogless Brother Roy:


Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations
are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor:
Southern Style."

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to
South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to
Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally
ending up back over in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large
bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go
Yankees! Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder, and
I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery--alive--wins.


posted by Harvey at 9:40:29 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


New Blog Showcase results are up. Yes the League of General Douchebaggery won the sponsorship again, but the Alliance is not about to lay down like a bunch of filthy Frenchmen. Read about the Blog-Buddy plan, and take heart.

A couple more filthy lies. Beverage Alarm in effect.

Susie's a tad miffed that some people aren't voting. She didn't swear, but you could hear her NOT swearing, which is almost as bad. She also named some names. One of the few times you don't want to be on the receiving end of Susie's linky-love.

Plus, there's some added incentive to vote this week, courtesy of Fearless Leader Frank J.


posted by Harvey at 6:19:20 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



To wish is to wish for you

To sleep is to dream of you

To live is to wait for you

To smile is to think of you

posted by Harvey at 6:00:34 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Monday, November 24, 2003


Heather alerted me to the fact that Burger King will now be allowing women to breast-feed in their restaurants. She seems a little disenchanted at the notion, and even created a little symbol to designate the non-breast-feeding section of the restaurant.

Very cute.

But also highly offensive. You see, here at Bad Money, we (ok, me) support and encourage the de-bra-ification of breasts any time, anywhere, for any reason, or no reason at all. I run a boobie-friendly blog, and I think all women who visit here should feel free to run around topless (just like Susie). In fact, I've even got my own logo:

So if you run a boobie-friendly blog, feel free to use this to let women know that you support their right to unsupported breast exposure.


posted by Harvey at 11:20:01 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Boy, I just turned my back for 2 minutes, and the next thing you know, that bastard Bartender starts spamming my blog with this crap:


Madfish Willie's is starting a "send me your posts" LinkLoveFest!

Tales From The Champagne Room!
 [Remember: There is no sex in The Champagne Room!]

Read through these previous posts of The Champagne Room to get an idea of what I'm looking for. To be linked in The Champagne Room post just e-mail the link(s) to your post(s) by Saturday 12:00 noon and I'll include you in the weekly LinkLoveFest on Sunday. Thanks to everyone who have sent me links in the past and I'll be looking forward to more of your Tales From The Champagne Room!


I don't know what kind of virus that booze-pimping freak attached, but I can't delete this junk!

Ah, screw it! Considering I've been posting nothing but smut for the last couple days, I might as well join the party...

You should too. I mean, sex once a week ain't THAT much to ask :-)


posted by Harvey at 10:39:46 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



I cannot exist without you

I am forgetful of everything but seeing you again

My life seems to stop there

I see no further.

You have absorbed me.

I have a sensation at the present moment as though I were dissolving

I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for religion

I have shuddered at it

I shudder no more

I could be martyred for my religion

Love is my religion

I could die for that

I could die for you

My creed is love, and you are its only tenet

You have ravished me away by a power I cannot resist.


posted by Harvey at 8:18:38 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Except for Ted Kennedy, who kills both.


posted by Harvey at 8:14:14 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


<P><A href="">Flying Chair</A> (41 links) - 746 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love</A> (178 links) - 736 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Anger Management</A> (105 links) - 391 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Leaning Towards the Dark Side</A> (31 links) - 332 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Patriot Paradox</A> (115 links) - 171 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">The Alliance</A> (163 links) - 161 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon</A> (149 links) - 157 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Bad Money</A> (117 links) - 154 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Practical Penumbra</A> (200 links) - 142 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">BigStick</A> (44 links) - 118 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">the evangelical outpost</A> (69 links) - 115 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">angelweave</A> (109 links) - 113 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Pardon My English</A> (55 links) - 111 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">See The Donkey</A> (26 links) - 101 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Left Coast Conservative</A> (102 links) - 83 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Being American in T.O.</A> (42 links) - 76 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">physics geek</A> (34 links) - 64 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">The S-Train Canvass</A> (28 links) - 58 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">An Englishman's Castle</A> (9 links) - 45 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">CandyUniverse</A> (50 links) - 43 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Civilization Calls</A> (31 links) - 35 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Wince and Nod</A> (46 links) - 34 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">curi's domain</A> (12 links) - 31 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">The Patriette</A> (47 links) - 30 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Five Wasps</A> (15 links) - 29 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Semi-Intelligent Thoughts</A> (32 links) - 22 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Cavalier Attitude</A> (6 links) - 21 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Intergalactic Capitalist</A> (23 links) - 17 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Cannon's Canon</A> (19 links) - 17 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Hypocrisy and Hypotheses</A> (22 links) - 12 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Shameless Self-Promotion</A> (16 links) - 11 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Interested-Participant</A> (62 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""> Political Commentary</A> (56 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">The New American Revolutionist</A> (34 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT></P>

posted by Harvey at 8:05:22 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Flying Chair (41 links) - 746 visits/day V
Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love (178 links) - 736 visits/day V
Anger Management (105 links) - 391 visits/day V
Leaning Towards the Dark Side (31 links) - 332 visits/day V
Patriot Paradox (115 links) - 171 visits/day V
The Alliance (163 links) - 161 visits/day V
Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon (149 links) - 157 visits/day V
Bad Money (117 links) - 154 visits/day V
Practical Penumbra (200 links) - 142 visits/day V
BigStick (44 links) - 118 visits/day V
the evangelical outpost (69 links) - 115 visits/day V
angelweave (109 links) - 113 visits/day V
Pardon My English (55 links) - 111 visits/day V
See The Donkey (26 links) - 101 visits/day V
Left Coast Conservative (102 links) - 83 visits/day V
Being American in T.O. (42 links) - 76 visits/day V
physics geek (34 links) - 64 visits/day V
The S-Train Canvass (28 links) - 58 visits/day V
An Englishman's Castle (9 links) - 45 visits/day V
CandyUniverse (50 links) - 43 visits/day V
Civilization Calls (31 links) - 35 visits/day V
Wince and Nod (46 links) - 34 visits/day V
curi's domain (12 links) - 31 visits/day V
The Patriette (47 links) - 30 visits/day V
Five Wasps (15 links) - 29 visits/day V
Semi-Intelligent Thoughts (32 links) - 22 visits/day V
Cavalier Attitude (6 links) - 21 visits/day V
Intergalactic Capitalist (23 links) - 17 visits/day V
Cannon's Canon (19 links) - 17 visits/day V
Hypocrisy and Hypotheses (22 links) - 12 visits/day V
Shameless Self-Promotion (16 links) - 11 visits/day V
Interested-Participant (62 links) - visits/day V Political Commentary (56 links) - visits/day V
The New American Revolutionist (34 links) - visits/day V


posted by Harvey at 8:03:58 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Are available from the Bartender - no cover charge.

Just don't look at this one. It's naughty.



posted by Harvey at 7:23:30 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Sunday, November 23, 2003


Jeff of BigStick.US is going to France to make fun of the natives and/or get an education. Trouble is, he doesn't have digital camera, so he won't be able to send us pictures to mock. So he's been reduced to begging for donations.

He sounds desperate, so you can probably extort things from him in exchange for cash.


Oh, and congratulations on your 100th post, BSU.



posted by Harvey at 11:33:00 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Well that one's not on the list, but here are a few of my favorites from the list of what she's gonna do instead of be with you (not work friendly):


A night in with the girls

Auditioning the finger puppets

Bathing the kitty

Beating around the bush

Butterin' the muffin

Checking the oil

Cleaning between the camel's toes

Cleaning the kitchen

Copping a clam

Defrosting the freezer


Doing something for my chapped lips

Doing the two-finger ballet

Double-clicking your mouse

Driving Ms. Daisy

Dusting the endtable

Fanning the fur


Fishing for cumpliments

Flipping the light switch repeatedly

Fluffing the kitty

Getting a date with slick mittens

Having ladyfingers and cream

Indoor fishing


Levy break limbo

"Looking for Waldo & his dog (gee, spot, there you are!)"

Making kitty purr

Manual override

Menage a moi


Muffin buffin'

Nail polish remover

Peeling the peach

Playing couch hockey for one

Playing the clitar

Polishing the wedding ring

Preheating the oven

Putting the dot in .org

Ride the glide until the tide

Rubbin Hood

Scratching the patch

Sliding into home

Soaking in Palmolive

Spanking your puppy on the nose

Surfing the web

Sweeping the chimney

Taking advantage of yourself

Tending your own garden

Two-finger typing

Unclogging the drain

Visiting your safety deposit box

Working in the garden

Working out at the Y



Plenty more where those came from.


posted by Harvey at 9:41:25 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []




Today's question comes from the book, "Romantic Questions" page 101:



#5 What is the best relationship advice you've ever gotten?



Well, about a dozen years back, my dad sat me down for a talk...


Dad: Son, it's about time I gave you some advice.


Harv: Yeah, dad, I know, "When bribing your way out of a speeding ticket, choose your twenty carefully." Got it.


Dad: No, son. There's certain things you need to know about... women.


Harv: Dad, I spent six years in the Navy, bought 200 hookers, and caught more STD's than Michael Moore has eaten cheeseburgers. I think I'm up to speed on the topic.


Dad: Well, so much for "raincoat your roscoe". But there's something else...


Harv: Yes?


Dad: You can forget your anniversary, you can forget her birthday, you can even tell her that she looks fat in that dress. Just don’t forget the little man in the boat.


Harv: Huh?


Dad: You'll understand someday.


Harv: Uh... ok.


Dad: Well, goodnight.


Harv: Goodnight. Sleeping on the couch again tonight?


Dad: Actually, no. Which reminds me of some more advice.


Harv: What?


Dad: Lick the alphabet.


Harv: Huh?


Dad: You'll understand some day.



I understand now, and I tell ya, Sesame Street hasn't been the same since.


A - B - C - D...


Beloved Wife: Just get to the T's already!


posted by Harvey at 9:15:54 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



I spent last night dreaming of your eyes,

But your hair kept getting in the way.

Your lips dropped in to tell me how you’d been,

But when I tried to kiss them,

My pillow told me I’d missed them.

Your voice dropped by and sang a lullaby,

And it was then I knew just what to do.

I’d fall asleep and then,

I’d dream of you again.

posted by Harvey at 9:04:44 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


A person's answers to the Rorschach test can often be helpful in detecting mental disorders such as unhealthy obsessions. For example, my answer to this one was "Susie's boobies."


posted by Harvey at 8:56:11 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


...but, like Don, I found myself being amused anyway. Seems this blogger, Buggre Alle This, went to the eye doctor the other day, and...


posted by Harvey at 9:16:53 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Think those breast enlargement creams are just a bunch of snake oil?

Check out Susie's before & after pictures.

And yes, I'm as surprised as you are to learn that Susie's mother is actually Betty Page.


posted by Harvey at 8:22:53 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Saturday, November 22, 2003


Another "million-times-forwarded e-mail" from Blogless Brother Roy:


Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.  Father Bill says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.  He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.  Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.  The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks.  The first nun cannot resist temptation, suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.  Startled, he drops one of the bars of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser."

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.  Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.  So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"



posted by Harvey at 11:54:37 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


...Because I never even noticed that I posted my 1000th entry a while back.

Hey, I know it's not as vitally important as Bill's 1 year blogiversary, but still, I wouldn't mind a few gratuitous boobie pictures to help me celebrate.


posted by Harvey at 11:39:52 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


The currently vacationing Trey Givens has a link to a site that warns you about the hazards of letting stupid children play with toys.

Overprotective Busybodies Give You News offers a list of the 10 most dangerous toys of 2003.

I prefer to think of them as educational opportunities. For example, this one teaches you that pointy things hurt, so it's best not to poke yourself with them.

This one teaches that hitting yourself with a blunt object will cause pain, and the resulting bruise will tell other people how unco-ordinated and stupid you are.

This one instills a heathy fear of rotating blades.

If I had kids, I'd buy them all - out of respect for the future of the gene pool.


posted by Harvey at 11:31:19 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []




I guess I really shouldn't have published that filthy lie from by Blogless Brother Tom, because now he's on Evil Glenn's radar screen. The poor guy had just strapped on his eye patch for a relaxing evening of software piracy...


Tom: And now to grab another 25 gigabytes of copyrighted goodness from Kazaa...


[Ring... Ring... Ring]


Tom: Hello?


Evil Glenn: Hello, Blogless Brother Tom. My name is Glenn Reynolds, and I...


Tom: AAAAHHHHH! Puppy Blender!


Evil Glenn: Normally, yes, but today I'm calling on behalf of the Recording Industry Association of America. It seems that you've illegally downloaded several thousand copyrighted works over the last week, and I'm hereby informing you that the RIAA is going to sue you into oblivion.


Tom: So you DO work for Satan! But I thought you only worked in the hobo-murdering department?


Evil Glenn: Actually, I'm helping the Prince of Darkness with several of his projects in addition to the wanton slaughter of homeless ne'er-do-wells and the fanatical harrassment of people exercising their rights under the Fair Use Doctrine.


Tom: Like what?


Evil Glenn: Keeping the Cubs out of the World Series, script writing for the new season of "8 Simple Rules", and... certain... political assignments.


Tom: So YOU'RE the one who makes sure Ted Kennedy keeps getting re-elected!


Evil Glenn: Actually, that's Ba'al. My job is to keep Kucinich talking about mind-controlling space lasers & looking like a complete idiot.


Tom: But isn't that actually a GOOD thing?


Evil Glenn: As far as entertainment value, yes, but it also serves to make Howard Dean look reasonable, sane, and electable by comparison.


Dana: Did you say Howard Dean? I'll strangle you dead! RARR!


Evil Glenn: What the hell was that?


Tom: Oh, my wife's just having a few of the girls over for a quilting party. You can probably ignore that. Anyway, what do you want with me?


Evil Glenn: Well, unless you want to spend the next 20 years as Michael Jackson's love-monkey, you will immediately reformat your hard drive.


Tom: Reformat? But I'll lose everything! My music! My Photoshop! My vast collection of por... uh, my novel!


Evil Glenn: The law is the law. You just have to decide which you value more - your music or your rectal integrity.


Tom: All right, all right! Fine! You win. "format C:"


Evil Glenn: Wise choice. Now before you do the right thing, I have question...


Tom: *sniff* My Paris Hilton video clip... *sniff*... go ahead...


Evil Glenn: Are you happy with the service provided by your current long distance carrier?


Tom: What?


Evil Glenn: Sprint has many options that will allow you to...


Tom: AAAAAHHHHH! Telemarketer!


Evil Glenn: I told you I was helping Satan with some other projects. Now, have you reviewed your insurance needs lately?


Tom: You rotten, degenerate... hmmm... uh, I mean, I guess I could use a policy insure the cat against excessive hairballs or something. Why don't you hang up for a minute so I can dial up my ISP? I'll log into your web site & buy a few new policies.


Evil Glenn: Well, I'm glad to see that you're a reasonable man. You can forget about the lawsuit & keep your porn


Tom: Novel


Evil Glenn: Yeah... novel. By the way, would that "novel" of yours happen to have any penguins in it?


Tom: Penguins?


Evil Glenn: Never mind. I look forward to hearing from you.




Tom: Oh yeah. You'll hear from me all right. Now where did I put that one illegal download?... There it is! Now to adjust my eye-patch, fluff up the old parrot, and YO-HO-HO! YARRR!


Tom left something at Instapundit all right, but it wasn't an insurance contract.


Lesson learned: NEVER f*** with a pirate!




posted by Harvey at 10:40:47 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



Your eyes were closed,

Your lips were sweet

And one soft kiss

Meant joy complete.


posted by Harvey at 10:17:26 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


A diamond is forever. This is just long enough to say, "I think we should see other people."


posted by Harvey at 10:15:18 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


This time he's merely correct. 

Partly correct, anyway, as he both pimps and blogrolls his little friend, Brainville.

I didn't think he was THAT good, but I did like this piece (11-19 CTRL+F "aiming") that starts  :


Do you have trouble aiming?

Aiming what?

Why, your dong, of course!

Oh, yeah man! I’m always hitting the seat, the floor. Don’t get me started on when my shirt falls down a bit and it gets pissed on.

No, fiddlyfuck! Aiming your dong while partaking in the delightful process of spawning. You know, doin’ the nasty.

Uhm, no I don-

What you need is laser pointer enhancement....


Yes, there's more. Yes you should read it.


posted by Harvey at 10:31:05 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Friday, November 21, 2003


... has been posted at HQ.

As has the next Filthy Lie Assignment:

What will Evil Glenn be doing for Thanksgiving?

As for my pick o' the litter on the lies, it has to be Frizzen Sparks entry, part of which goes:


(Cheesy Techno Music Blaring)

Announcer: "You know what TIIIIIME it is???"

(you're not quite sure, but you think you saw a lighted sign saying "Respond appropriately or die screaming!" as the camera pans across the crowd)

Audience: "It's the EVIL GLENN'S MANDATORY PURCHASE OF MY WONDERFUL PRODUCTS HOUR!" (Loud applause, as if every single person feels the need to not stand out as the one not applauding loudly enough)

Announcer: "And here he is, our overlord, MAAAAAAAASTER GLENN!" (deafeningly anxious applause)

Evil Glenn struts out wearing armor so black it seems to drain the light out of the room, with a resplendid cape the color of dried blood.

Glenn: "Shut Up You Puling Spawn!" (instant silence) "Now It's Time To Sell My Goods To The Puling Spawn At Home, Isn't It Fools!"

Audience: (chanting) "Yeeesssss Masssster"

Glenn: "Very Well Then. Don, Who's Our Guest On The Showcase Tonight?"

Announcer: "You've seen her on MTV. You've seen her on Monday Night Football. You've seen her endorsing every single product known to mankind except these.
It's Britney Speeeeears!"

Audience: (looking expectantly at Glenn)

Glenn: "Very Well. Applaud If You Must."


Graumagus has been consistently creative and hilarious over the past few assignments, so I'm blogrolling his ass.

Crap. He'll probably end up as yet another "blogger I'll never be funnier than".

I wonder if he's one of Don's many bastard children?


posted by Harvey at 10:38:44 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Sometime after Michael Jackson fails to elude the police in a low-speed chase, he will be caught and sent to prison.

Sometime after that (not too long I hope), he will die.

What happens then?

J of Quibbles & Bits has the answer. MUAHAHAHAHA!


posted by Harvey at 10:23:40 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



Joey of Single White Male asks "What would you name Frankenstein's monster?" (Nov 17, CTRL+F "confusion")


Let's see... a hideous, shambling creature composed of rotting parts, that spends its time instilling fear in the hearts of the good and innocent...


Um, League of Liberals? (or General Douchbaggery, as they are affectionately known).


Actually, I like J's 3rd answer better. Give him the dollar this week.



posted by Harvey at 10:18:58 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


...J of Quibbles & Bits had a delightfully amusing piece - some conversation between God & Adam in the Garden of Eden:


"So how are those animals working out?" God asked.

"Well, they're okay. I like the dogs pretty much, and the unicorn tastes great on the grill."

"You ate my unicorns?"

"Um, yeah."

"What did I tell you?"

"You said not to eat from the Tree of Life. You didn't say anything about the unicorns."

"Oh. Don't do that again."

"Sorry. Is there anything else I shouldn’t eat?"

"Yeah. Don’t eat the griffons.”

“Um, well…” Adam hung his head low. He hated disappointing God.


When I first read it way back in August, I was laughing throughout and I was going to blog about it back then, but there was a problem. Seems I didn't understand the punchline on the final gag. I did some Googling to figure it out, but I had to poke around a bit, and the effort drained my affection, so I never linked it.

However, in the course of some recent conversations with the author, I talked him into inserting an explanatory link for the benefit of those who, like myself, are ignorant of such nouns. So now the gag works fine, and I can recommend the entire thing without reservation.

Drink Alert in effect.


posted by Harvey at 9:40:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []





I swore to myself

It wouldn’t happen again

I vowed to myself

That this was the end.

The end of this longing,

This yearning so strong.

I said I was over you,

But oh, I was wrong.

Now here it is again,

Quite a while later.

And my love for you

Is now even greater.

I spend all my time

Thinking of you,

I’m in love with you again

And there’s nothing I can do.


NOTE: I first started dating the woman who would one day become my Beloved Wife shortly after I joined the Navy in 1986. In the 12 years that followed, we broke up & got back together at least half a dozen times. Our love continually oscillated between ember and inferno. Eventually, however, we realized how much we meant to each other, and after one particularly romantic evening in 1998, we caught fire in a way that would shame the sun. We were married less than a year later, and have been blazing ever since.


posted by Harvey at 9:27:37 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


[You will be blessed with lots of money if you write this on ten other bills]

Beset by financial woes and facing mounting legal bills, Michael Jackson desperately attempts to raise money for his legal defense fund.

posted by Harvey at 9:11:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []




[scene: inside Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon]


Evil Glenn Voiceover: Are you sick of hanging out in the same sleazy bars, night after night, being tortured by lousy jokes from a talentless hack of an un-funny bartender?


Bartender:  Hey, what’s a fly’s best pick-up line?… Is this stool taken? HA!


Unamused Patron: You suck!


Bartender: Yeah, but not for free. Drop a little jingle in the tip jar, asshole.


Evil Glenn Voiceover: Pa-thetic! But now you can leave all that behind by coming to my bar, Blender's! (formerly Mudfish Billy's Virtual Tavern)


[Switch to interior of the dankest, darkest, foulest drinking establishment imaginable, as Evil Glenn steps into view]


Evil Glenn: Here at Blender's, we offer the finest drinks available in the blogosphere. We've got Mink Juleps, Poodleberry Daquiris, Terrier Toddies, and our specialty, the  Big Bucket o' Beagle - if you can drink the whole thing, it's free!


And don't forget our delicious assortment of tasty snacks - deep-fried Pomeranian Poppers, Bulldog Burgers, and Shih-Tzu-on-a-stick.


We also do our part to help the homeless here at Blender's. Every Friday, hobos get a special discount.


Evil Glenn (to disheveled customer): How's your Daschund Delight, sir?


Hobo: (munch munch) Pretty tasty, but it needs... something.


Evil Glenn: How about a little HAMMER SAUCE? [WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!]... NEVER complain about free food, you ungrateful bastard!


Anyway, we haven't forgotten about entertainment here at Blender's. Monday night is Hairy Man-Boob Wet T-shirt Night (sponsored by Angelweave). The furriest, naughtiest, nastiest male bosomage is on display for all to see. Look but don't touch! Remember - there is no sex in the Champale Cubicle!


Tuesday night we've got something to make the boys scream in lust and/or terror, as Fatty Sue peforms the always-erotic Dance of the Seven Bedsheets. WHOOO! That's HOT!


But we're also family friendly. Thursday night is kiddie's night, with readings from such classic fairy tales as "Sleeping Blender", "Blenderella", "Blenderstiltskin", and "Goldilocks and the Three Blended Puppies".


And, for you sophisticated types, every Saturday we present open mike poetry readings.


Yes, there’s something for everyone here at Blender’s. Remember to say the secret words “Hmmm. Heh. Indeed” for 50% off the regular cover charge.




posted by Harvey at 7:31:41 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


What do you do when annoying anti-war protesters start mucking up your college campus?

Hand out NRA stickers.

Go BigStick!


posted by Harvey at 7:21:38 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Thursday, November 20, 2003


Blogless Brother Tom is stopping over this evening, so I'm probably done blogging until tomorrow. You can stop obsessively hitting "refresh" now.

I wonder if Evil Glenn's been haunting him lately...


posted by Harvey at 7:33:31 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


How should anti-war protesters be punished under American Sharia Law?

American Sharia?

It's all explained at HQ.


posted by Harvey at 7:19:53 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Pepper of the Earth... Hmmm... witty blog name.

5ive Years in Reverse - a reminiscence of several Halloween costumes. All of which are the kind of off-the-wall humor I could never come up with myself, but really admire when I see other people doing it. For example, if you're a guy with long blonde hair, and you dress to bear a passing resemblance to the lead singer of Guns & Roses, and you top off your costume with a mortarboard and tassle, that makes you... wait for it...

Axl Rhodes Scholar

Witty, irreverant, quirky... I hope Linus starts entering the Carnival of the Vanities on a regular basis. 

Anyway, there's more costumes in the entry. Go check 'em out.


posted by Harvey at 7:05:52 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I'm voting for Free Market Fairy Tales' entry Europe Hates America because it has one of my very favorite Cox & Forkum cartoons at the very top.

Ok, that's not entirely true. There's also that fact that someone in the UK is saying very nice things about the US, which makes me feel all puffy-chested & prideful. Not to mention very grateful to not be living in one of the many Socialist Worker's Paradises scattered about the globe.

...ok, fine. Truth is, I'm voting for him because he's got a picture of a dollar bill in the entry.

So sue me.


posted by Harvey at 6:57:14 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Fawn, of Indirect Proof offers a level-headed look at the way the media is treating the Rush Limbaugh addiction story. It really made me stop & go "Hmmm... she's right". Which is one of my favorite things to have happen to me when I read something.

Also, there's my favorite line:

the press is still tearing into Rush Limbaugh like starving wolves on a sick buffalo.

Now THAT'S a mental image.


posted by Harvey at 6:50:37 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


...Is up at Peak Talk. My pick o' the litter is this tiny bit from Jay Solo, who ponders about pack-rat-ism. Mostly I like it because I personally think that PRI is a horrible disease. But I've found 2 cures.

The one that worked for me was being in the Navy. For six long years, I had a certain number of cubic feet assigned to me, and I could only keep as many personal possessions as would fit in said space. This got me in the habit of making hard choices about what was important enough to keep, and what could be thrown away.

The other one is that show "Clean Sweep". My wife is a veteran pack rat, as I say in my love note intro every day. But the "sweepers" on the show do an excellent job of teaching pack rats how to ask themselves the questions that will allow them to be able to let go of the object, while still cherishing the memory that's attached. You wouldn't believe how much stuff my wife has, donated, gifted, or simply thrown away since she started watching that show. It's a godsend.


posted by Harvey at 6:42:11 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self-respect and it's these things I'd believe in even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be... I love her and that's the beginning of everything.


posted by Harvey at 6:18:49 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Some 40 years later, Bob Dylan learned, much to his surprise, that he was mistaken, and the answer was actually written on a dollar bill.


posted by Harvey at 6:16:01 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



You were expecting maybe BigStick.US?


posted by Harvey at 7:48:56 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Wednesday, November 19, 2003


It appears that Dana's linky-love song party was NOT the most amazing feat of hyperlinking ever to hit cyberspace.

Jeff of BigStick.US took Johnny Cash's song "I've Been Everywhere" and linked EVERY SINGLE PLACE NAME (and there's damn near 100 of them). 

Go. Look.

By the way, I'm currently taking up a collection to buy Jeff some stronger medication for treating his OCD, because it's obvious that whatever he's using now is NOT WORKING!


posted by Harvey at 11:04:54 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


The Precision Guided Humor round-up has been posted at HQ, and there's some brutally funny stuff to be found. Samples from my favorites:



9. Qusay: laughing So, then Timmy goes, “TIMMY!” And… laughing harder I guess you just have to see it.

Uday: Are you high?

10. We fight for FREEDOM! No. Wait. How does it go again?

11. Two bottles of beer on the wall… Two bottles of beer… take one down-- AAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!

12. Qusay: Wow. You brought a ton of money! Ew. Why does it smell like this.

Uday: Smiles, remembering how only a few shorts days ago he was rolling naked in that money with his beloved camel, Brenda.

13. Uday and Qusay together: in the dark, spinning, and chanting bloodymarybloodymarybloodymary…

14. Uday: I know we’re going to win and all, but do you think we should have brought so much Iraqi currency?

Qusay: Dude, we won’t spend that money. We’ll sell it to this guy on the internet who uses it on his website. He’ll pay top dollar… AMERICAN dollar!




For the precision guided humor assignment this week, the alliance asked it's members to come up with Uday & Qusay's last words. I had a hard time with this, because It's hard to make anything that these roaches did seem funny. To get through this, I had to go into Suess mode:

American Commander: "Open fire we will do, if down your guns you have not threw, and come out hands up and try no trick, you better do this, do it quick!"

Uday: "Qusay what shall we do, they have us stuck, stuck like glue, peer outside and tell me right, the force they use to bind us tight."

Qusay: "Hummvees with machine guns mounted, hundreds of soldiers I have counted, many gunships out there flying, if we run I think we're dying!
Tanks with TOW missiles I have spied, are snipers out there, do they hide? They left no escape route overlooked, my brother I think that we're cooked."


and Physics Geek:


Uday: Toto, it looks like we're not in Kansas anymore.
Qusay: Would you STOP those stupid Wizard of Oz references! There driving me in- ::BOOM::

Uday: Do you think Satan remembers the contracts we signed with him?
Qusay: I dunno, but I've got a bad feeling about the demon over there with the 20 foot spiked penis who just mentioned the two unused prophylactics over in our corner of the room. ::BOOM::


Whatever you do, DON'T cheat yourself out of the rest of Graumagus' answer.


posted by Harvey at 10:50:49 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I ran across this at Quibbles & Bits, and it's the best idea since Privacy Manager.


posted by Harvey at 10:39:18 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I guess Frank J.'s bad habit of being a T-shirt telemarketer is contagious, because Don of Anger Management is using his Survivor game blog to make the contestants do his T-shirt designing for him.

Lazy bastard.

Oh well, I have to admit that they're all pretty good. Except for number 2, which just sucks. But I especially liked number 5. That little beard on the stick-figure guy just kills me.

Go vote. You've got about 30 seconds before the poll closes.


posted by Harvey at 10:03:33 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Patriot Paradox is hosting a blogging tournament (update 1, update 2, update 3). Briefly, 6 lab rat blogs will be doing writing assignments, with the winner chosen by an all-star panel of judges. Sadly, I'm too tragically unhip to be a judge, and too big to be a player (gotta be sub-mammal in the Ecosystem). However, this reminds me a lot of the fun I had while participating in Frank J's Super Happy Lucky Fun Permalink contest, where I first launched my way to stardom (or annoying jerkdom - whichever). So I'll be keeping an eye on this one and, who knows? I may even play along at home.


posted by Harvey at 9:43:26 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


You may have heard of "Affirmative Action Bake Sales". That’s where conservative groups on various college campuses hold a bake sale, and charge different prices for the baked goods based on the race of the purchaser, (for example - Whites $1.00, Hispanics $.75, Blacks $.50). The idea is to point up the absurdity of Affirmative Action preferences.

On some campuses, the powers that be have shut the activity down for being having too much free speech… or something… I forget.

As Jed of Boots & Sabers points out, The Young Conservatives group at Texas A&M is holding one soon, and are lucky enough to have an administration that has read & understood the First Amendment. The sale will not be interfered with.

However, some of the local colored racist gangs have voiced their outrage. This quote just makes me giggle (emphasis added):


"Minority students do have a problem with this, but they haven't been brave enough to do something about this," said Amethyst Thorman, an A&M Hispanic President's Council delegate.

"We're finally at that point where we're tired of putting up with them not taking other people's opinions and views into consideration and we're going to do something about it," she said.


As Jed says, "So you're going to protest their "not taking other people's opinions and views into consideration" by not taking their opinions and views into consideration?"


posted by Harvey at 9:28:37 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


In the midst of Frank J's Bite-Sized wisdom I discovered this gem:


* That Tom Tomorrow comic about chickenhawks made me be a bit introspective: am I a horrible chickenhawk? When the attack on 9/11 occurred, I thought that some big war was coming, and I informed my boss that, if they made the call for more recruits, I'd have to quit my job and join up. When that never happen, I considered doing the reserves or National Guard, but that takes like weeks of training and sounds hard. What I'd be willing to do, though, is use a week of my own vacation to do some quick training, fly over to the Middle East, and kill some terrorists. I don't want to be the only person on the block not to kill any.

* Actually, that might make a great tourist outing: terrorist safaris. Pay big bucks, and we help you hunt terrorists. Maybe we could even get Steve Irwin to help out:

"Those terrorists can be quite wily, and nothing pisses them off like implying that they're homosexual. Just watch this. Hey! Omar! Who's that next to you? Your boyfriend? Crikey! He's trying to kill me now! Isn't he beautiful?"


Terrorist safaris... *snicker*


posted by Harvey at 9:11:39 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


My favorite obnoxious right-wing prick talk-show-host, and my favorite homicidal Defense Secretary together on the same show?

Coming to you live from Frank's World:


O'Reilly: So what is your opinion of how things are going in Iraq?

Rumsfeld: Excellent. Our enemies are being slaughtered in mass numbers.

O'Reilly: But there are many who don't like America.

Rumsfeld: And they will die! We will hunt them down and kill them like dogs. Actually, I was just on a dog hunt this morning.

O'Reilly: Fair enough. Now some people say that you have botched the occupation and...

Rumsfeld: They will die as well!

O'Reilly: But you have to admit that some people can perceive that things aren't going so well in Iraq...

Rumsfeld: And some people will be strangled by my own hands!

O'Reilly: Come on, Secretary. This is the no spin zone. Are we supposed to believe you can actually strangle everyone criticizing you?

Rumsfeld: Are you questioning me, you impudent fool! I know where you live which will soon be known as where you died!


If it's not already too late for your poor monitor and/or keyboard, Drink Alert in effect.


posted by Harvey at 9:04:59 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I wouldn’t be surprised.

Anyway, Wizbang puts the fire to his 20th pile, and none too soon. My choice for this week’s super-suck would be this monstrosity from One Fine Jay. I wouldn’t have believed the English language capable of producing anything more senseless than the pseudo-philosophizing of Matrix Reloaded, but this crap is so inpenetrable it may soon replace Kevlar as the body armor of choice for American soldiers.


posted by Harvey at 8:54:57 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.


posted by Harvey at 8:44:49 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Why is there no sex in the Champagne Room? Because the last group to have an orgy there left a really crappy tip, THAT'S why!


posted by Harvey at 8:37:39 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


J of Quibbles & Bits is being a problem child again. He's got another teasing story starter up. You know the drill, write a dark, catchy bit of intrigue & then leave you hang.

You want to play rough? Fine. No tennis balls this time.

J, this is my 130-pound horse-dog Jake. He has 2 inch fangs and eats government agents for breakfast. Say hello to the teasy writer-man, Jake:


Now, this here is a 12' x 12' sheet of plywood, which I'm putting right underneath your window. Say hello to the teasy writer-man, plywood:


Did I mention that Jake will chase his own tail in circles on command?

Ok, boy. Come over here on the plywood. Good boy. Stay.

Did I mention that I haven't clipped Jake's nails in a while?

Ok, Jake, CHASE!


Ya know J, I'm thinking


that the only thing


that's gonna drown out that annoying


sound is the sound of you


typing up the rest of that story.


Jake will help you stay awake


until it's done.



posted by Harvey at 7:16:47 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


No, not Minbari.


Matt O'Blackfive does some profound reflection on the families who serve in the military, generation after generation. That they are different from the rest of us.

Actually, better, I'd say.

I'm not "of the Caste" exactly, since I was first generation military. However, 5 of my 7 older siblings served, so I did grow up viewing the military as an honorable occupation. I confess I didn't join to "serve my country" or to "be part of something bigger". At the age of 19, I had no real conception of the Cold War, or what the fighting was really all about (thank you public school moral-equivalency indoctrination).

The big reason I joined was that I didn't like who I was. I had pissed away a lot of opportunities in grades 9, 10 & 11, and it wasn't until my senior year that I realized that I needed to do something with my life and make something out of myself. Then I heard about the Navy's nuke program, and it sounded like the kind of over-my-head challenge that I always knew I was capable of rising to meet, but had always lacked the discipline to attempt.

Besides, they'd pay me to learn instead of the local college's contrary plan.

It wasn't until AFTER I got out and had a chance to read some philosophy & history that I came to appreciate what I had actually done. I wish I had known it sooner, so I could've better enjoyed that feeling "being part of something bigger" that so many vets speak of.

Regardless, I know better now, and I look back with pride on my small part in keeping the Arabs in line during the Iran-Iraq wars, when my mission was to keep the Kuwati oil tankers steaming in & out of the Gulf unmolested.

The oil flowed, America grew strong and wealthy, and Soviet communism collapsed of its own dead wait. It was a damn good time to be a sailor.

Not to mention how much fun it was to be stationed just a few miles from Berkeley in the late 80's. Even as politically unaware as I was back then, I still thought it was hilarious to watch the lefties spout and fume with impotent rage at the fact of Reagan being president.

I'm not likely to have children to carry on the Warrior Caste tradition from me. But if I get a chance to influence any of my younger relatives, I'll do my best to make them understand what the pride is all about.


posted by Harvey at 12:18:06 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Tuesday, November 18, 2003


Found this (heh) heart-warming pic over at American Digest. I'm dedicating it Matt O'Blackfive, since he's the proudest, orneriest, most patriotic member of the Warrior Caste I know, and I'll bet he would've done the same damn thing.

After which I would've bought him a beer.

Or six.


posted by Harvey at 11:46:35 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


No, Dana, I was NOT talking dirty! Sheesh!


posted by Harvey at 11:33:58 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Sadly, not by Susie.

I gave this really kick-ass answer to Joey's last question, but did I win that dollar?


Trey did.


Because Joey thinks "sammich" is funnier than "man-boobs".

Personally, I blame Heather.

Meanwhile, Joey came up with the worst question in the whole entire history of desperate attempts to generate traffic (Nov 17, CTRL+F "sammich"):

"What would you name Frankenstein's monster?"

I have never had my humor-muse less inspired in my life... I'll have to think this one over on the way to work tomorrow.

On the other hand, Joey's lookin' pretty stylish on the cover of his new CD (Nov 17, CTRL+F "compile")

Just one thing, Joey... button up that damn shirt. This ain't 1974, and you're gonna catch a cold.

Wait... Arizona... Nevermind.



posted by Harvey at 11:23:18 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


HA! I caught Don not being funny!

In fact, here's Don being a whiny pussy bitch:


I just noticed that there have been five comments in my first post today and I didn't get any emails for them. Also, traffic seems a lot slower than usual (I'm generally up to 200-300 by this time).


Not up to 200-300. Boo-F'n-Hoo, Donny. You've been blogging... what, now... 11 months, give or take... and you're all PMS'y that you're not Instapuppyblender yet. WAAAAAH!

Maybe if you stopped being such a crampy little assgremlin and started focussing on the funny a little more, you might...



1. What's the best advice you've ever gotten?

Wow, I've gotten so much good advice over the years, I'm not sure where to begin. Here are some of the more useful bits of insight.

-Don't eat that

-Please eat that! Often. And with liberal amounts of lubricant.

-Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made...but don't worry about that too much, because the fudge factory is off limits.

-Nothing is often a good thing to do, and almost always a clever thing to say.

2. What is the best thing you've ever found?

The clitoris. Duh.




Never mind.


posted by Harvey at 10:55:43 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Once again earning his place on my list of "bloggers I'll never be funnier than" D'Anger Management manages to be hilariously funny while simultaneously writing a horridly dry academic treatise on humor. Here's a cut:


Let’s start with an observation – the only thing common to all types of humor is the element of surprise. Whether you’re talking about wit, satire, or slapstick, the only way to elicit laughter is by utilizing the unexpected.

The secret to being funny, then, is to say the complete opposite of what people POOP FACE. See? That was funny because you thought I was going to say “expect” but instead I said “poop face.”

Which leads us to another point. Some words, like “poop,” are inherently funny. You can sprinkle these throughout your prose to great effect. For example:

Not Funny: Today I bought a hat.

Funny: Today I bought a fart.

Other inherently funny words include: booger, pickle, muckadoo, and asshat.

The problem with inherently funny words is that, if you use them too often, you lose the element of surprise, which – as I said – is essential to humor. One of the best ways to sneak surprise into writing or conversation or whatever is to make use of clichés.

Clichés are great because they make it easy to surprise people. When you start off with a cliché, the human mind starts traveling along a familiar path…your audience thinks it knows where you’re going. By jumping off that path at the right moment, you cause your audience’s collective mind to do a complete 180. For example:

Cliché: My grandfather, on his deathbed, gave me this watch.

Funny cliché: My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.


Entertaining and instructional.

Only one problem, though. He forgot to mention "the triple", which is the simplest, easiest way to create both the setup and the surprise. Very simply, you list 3 things. The first 2 set the pattern, and the third breaks the pattern, yet fits the initial setup, but in a different manner.

For example:

Susie: What a lousy day I've had! I feel miserable.

Harv: Can I get you something to ease the pain? Aspirin? A strawberry daquiri? A Reddi-Wip-covered, scantily clad fireman?

Other than this glaring omission it's a pretty good piece...

...considering it was written by a pickle-poop asshat.



posted by Harvey at 8:15:39 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


I've seen a lot of link round-ups in my day, but I really think America's #1 pin-up girl has just produced the best one ever to hit the blogosphere. She took Toby Keith's song, "I Love This Bar", and lit up the pertinent phrases with links to the appropriate blogs, bloggers, and blog entries.

It's F'n brilliant. You HAVE to at least LOOK at this thing & hover over the links.

No, I'm not just saying this because my link was the phrase "puts a big smile on my face".

No, I'm not just saying this because I'm so hot in lust with Dana that I'd link her even if she just posted a single-word entry (if the word was "boobies", that is).

I'm just really impressed at how well it came out and how appropriate the links are. It's a model of linky-love excellence. I don't like country music, but somehow I think I could actually enjoy dancing to this one.

THAT should tell you how good it is.


posted by Harvey at 7:48:03 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Lynn of Reflections in d minor asked the following about academic and artsy people: "How can such obviously intelligent people seem so out of touch with the real world?"

She suspects she may have found the answer while reading an otherwise intelligent blogger violating Godwin's Law with a Bush-Hitler comparison [the quote starts with part of the lefty's musings (emphasis Lynn's)]:


I get up each day and work, and hope that the Bush nazis will be deposed and my work will continue without interruption. There is a problem with projecting yourself onto tragic figures. It makes you no fun at parties at all.

Is that it? Are today's intellectuals merely projecting themselves onto the tragic figures of the past? I can almost understand that - being intensely involved in the work, relating to it so closely that you put yourself in the place of those you are studying. Or, perhaps, everyone just needs to feel heroic and important in some way. Oppressed minorities, martyrs, rebels... all heroic figures in our culture.


The word "heroic" got me thinking a bit.

My heroes are names you'd recognize:

Bill Gates - a college dropout who became a multi-billionaire

Thomas Edison - the most brilliant and prolific inventor in the history of the world

Andrew Carnegie - who transformed steel from a $140 a ton luxury into a $20 a ton commodity that built the backbone of a nation

Ayn Rand - who arrived in this country as an impoverished immigrant who could barely speak the language and wrote one of the most influential novels ever published.

Compare this with Lynn's list of lefty hero stereotypes: "Oppressed minorities, martyrs, rebels"

What's the difference?

My heroes SUCCEEDED. They struggled, they had setbacks, but in the end, they accomplished their goals.

Lefty heroes are heroic because they FAILED.


posted by Harvey at 7:35:43 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


When I was younger and had more time to look for romantic goodies to share with my beloved, I used to paw through a LOT of poetry collections, looking for something that expressed my deepest inner feelings. I think that's where I learned that most poetry that gets published is pathetic drivel, with random line breaks substituting for depth.

The more of Heather's stuff I read, though, the more I start to think that poetry can actually be a beautiful thing in the right hands. I'll give you the intro & the first stanza to this one & let you decide for yourself if she's got it going on:


This poem is about opposites and the usual lack of understanding between the pair that may lead to a lot of miscomprehension and injured feelings. And then it fades, the relationship - neither party wanting to hurt the other, both knowing it can't last, still making gentle concessions until the final common thread snaps.


he's probably going to walk the dog
today. gonna gather selfhood in the woods.
i think the rain reddens his face
and hair. i'm sewing a quilt out of
pieced what and evers -- rusted change
i've stolen from his pockets. i put
lace on the edges and call him mine.


I've never been in this situation, (well, maybe a little, but I don't like to think about it) but Heather does an excellent job of making me understand what it's like. Treat yourself to the rest of it.


posted by Harvey at 6:54:00 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Apparently Matt O'Blackfive is really scraping the bottom of the "what should I blog about?" barrel. Now he's sunk below the depths of baby-blogging and entered the dark and scary nether reaches of self-interviewing.

Of course, he tries to pass it off as answering his "fan mail".

Uh, sure Matt.

Nevertheless, he does an excellent job answering such made-up inquiries as, "What would would you have done were you LTC West"?[the man who got in trouble for intimidating an Iraqi in order to get information that would help save the lives of his men] Here's my favorite part of his response:


Ordered everyone to leave the building, shoot the suspect in the kneecap, get information…

Or, what I thought at the time, I would have told my informants that the Iraqi cop was a double agent and ask them to spread the news. Therefore, he and his family would be in danger. Then, I would tell the Iraqi cop what I did and that I was going to pin a medal on him in public for his help and let him go…and then tell him casually that it would be up to him.


I tell ya, there's nothing I love better than a little Dirty-Harry-style efficiency. Mheh.

He also praises single malt scotch, picks his favorite Democrat, confesses to having a day job, explains how to drive through a Chicago pothole, praises some of his blog heroes (of which I'm not one *sniff*), tells you what's on his jukebox, and talks about his asshole collection.

Good stuff from America's favorite Irishman. Go look.


posted by Harvey at 6:45:05 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?


posted by Harvey at 6:26:00 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


WARNING: Not for use while attempting to bribe your way out of a speeding ticket.


posted by Harvey at 6:23:51 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


is up at Electric Venom.

My fave? A 2 word fisking of Al Gore.


posted by Harvey at 7:23:33 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Monday, November 17, 2003


Jeff of BigStick.US (the site with the coolest banner in the blogosphere) has part 3.5 up of 2015. This one is an amusing little side story about the nuts & bolts of the invasion of Canada. Mostly nuts. A couple of the odder snippets:


"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?" he yelled.

"Sir, there was a small explosion to the north... you sure you didn't see it?" was the reply from below.

"I didn't see a damn thing!" The commander screamed.

"Sir... are the lens covers on your binoculars?"

"Huh?" There was a pause. "Soldier, this will not be mentioned, understand?"

"Yes sir."


"Take that you crazy space aliens!" Lenny screamed at the top of his lungs.

He was standing in his bedroom window, holding the smoking husk of a disposable rocket launcher.

"You're never going to probe me again, you space scum!!"


Considering the source, it's tastefully done. Regardless of the source, it's quite amusing. Go dive in.

And as soon as the resurrection spell works on Tom (the other half of BigStick - I'm not whether he's the Big or the Stick), we should get part 4.

And links to parts 1, 2, and 3 should be available at part 3.5 as soon as I kick Jeff ever-so-gently in the shins & remind him of the importance of providing them.


posted by Harvey at 11:47:00 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


J of Quibbles & Bits has a list of ways to tell if your gene pool has been polluted by the Kennedys, including:


If you have ever woken up under the table in an Irish Bar, and you don't remember how you got there, You might be a Kennedy.


Lookin' your direction, Matty.


posted by Harvey at 10:52:55 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Way back on his Blogspot blog, the Bartender called me a freak a few times (CTRL+F "freak" - keep hitting the find next button). It was completely uncalled for. I mean, yeah, I've got my fetishes, but mostly I'm completely normal. Now, thanks to America's #1 pin-up girl, I found out the Bartender's deepest, darkest secret, so...


And if you're wondering how he got to be such a deranged assmunchkin in the first place, well BigStick has the answer to that.

Guess we should blame his parents.


posted by Harvey at 10:45:51 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Of course, that might depend on what your definition of "is" is.

The certifiable wacko Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon has another round-up of the best sex-related posts in the blogosphere. Which is where I found this picture of the most phallic building in America. They don't call it the "brick dick" for nothing.

And Barbie Holiday Incest Porno? That is SO wrong on SO many levels. Go look for yourself, just not at work.

BUT THE IMPORTANT THING TO NOTE HERE IS that the Bartender is done scouring the blogosphere & doing all your porn-surfing for you. From now on, each blogger is requested to submit his/her best sex-related post for the newest & dirtiest link round-up in cyberspace:


Send the links to your naughtiest bloggy naughtiness to the Bartender by noon on Saturday for the kinkiest Sunday roundup you've ever seen.

I wonder if I'll be able to find a suitable entry...

WHAT are you snickering at?


posted by Harvey at 10:11:17 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


Thanks to a tip from Owen of Boots & Sabers, I discovered the web site of Democratic presidential hopeful and 10 megawatt asslord John Edwards.

So many cute items here.

First (per the comments to Owen's post), notice that in the 2000 election (click on Gore-Bush 2000), that petty little prick still thinks Florida is up for grabs.

Second, on the right side, check out his wacky T-shirt. It's a picture of a turkey. With Bush's head. IT'S FUNNY!

Well, maybe it's not. Let's do a quick review on how to be funny, shall we? In order for a joke to really work well, it has to be based on a widely-held stereotype. Doesn't matter if it's true, it just has to be familiar to the reader. Now, how does a turkey play on a Bush stereotype?

[impatient foot tapping]


That's right. It doesn't. Except in Edwards own fever-deliriumed imagination, Bush has never been associated with turkeys, either wild or domesticated. Sure, Edwards tries to make a connection by claiming that Bush's administration "laid an egg", but that's hardly Turkey-specific. All birds lay eggs, as do reptiles and platypi. Sorry, J. E., just not funny.

Then there's his list of "Why Bush Gobbles"

  • Bush's war on work has lead to more than three million lost jobs.
  • Bush has shifted the tax burden from the wealthy to the working class.
  • Bush has no plan to win the peace in Iraq.
  • He has passed the first anti-choice legislation in 30 years
  • War on work? WTF? I thought it was the Islamofascist war on freedom that did that with Sept. 11?

    Shifted the tax burden to the working class? Uh... I got my check.

    No plan? What was that 87 billion dollar thingy?

    Anti-choice legislation? Yup. Can't get an abortion anywhere, now. Or something. 

    So, Edwards is neither funny nor honest. Who the hell is gonna vote for this peckerhead? People who like clichés, I guess:

    "common sense solutions", "get America working again", "keep us safe yet preserve our Constitutional rights", "for responsible government"

    As opposed to all the many other candidates seeking to implement wild-ass theories, make Americans unemployed, hurt people, violate their rights, and promote insane totalitarian government?

    Tell ya what Johnny, give me one damn thing you stand for that didn't come out of a political fortune cookie, and you've got my vote.



    posted by Harvey at 9:54:25 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Frank J. of IMAO got himself noticed by the "old media", and now his secret identity has been revealed...


    posted by Harvey at 8:20:22 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Although I have no way to prove it , I strongly suspect that as that fateful missile sped towards them, one of the following may have been the last words of the Hussein boys (per the HQ Precision Guided Humor Assignment):


    1) Pardon me, American Satan dogs, but do you have any Gray Poupon?


    2) Uday: I fear we'll soon be riding in a fast car to hell.

        Qusay: Shotgun!


    3) You remembered the tacky tie, but you forgot the inflatable camel?


    4) Hey, they stopped shooting their guns at us. They'll probably give up & go away pretty soon


    5) Don't worry, the first missle is always just a warning shot.


    6) I'm NOT going to die a virgin! Uday, bend over!


    7) Dammit Uday! Why did you bring Viagra and a condom? I said we were going to a WAR house!  


    8) I think I just pooped myself.


    9) What's the air speed velocity of an unladen TOW missile?


    10) Uday: American pigs! We will not die easy!

          Qusay: That's right! We have Viagra, and we will die hard!





    posted by Harvey at 8:13:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Oh! I just remembered how my hands fit the curve of your waist and how your smiles fit the curve of my mind.


    posted by Harvey at 7:56:54 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    [John 3:16 Beleave!]


    Harv 3:16 Spell Check!


    posted by Harvey at 7:54:44 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    <A href="">IMAO</A> (569 links) - 2940 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love</A> (176 links) - 1034 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Flying Chair</A> (44 links) - 631 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">annika's journal &amp; poetry</A> (83 links) - 260 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Patriot Paradox</A> (44 links) - 233 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Ramblings of Silver Blue</A> (124 links) - 211 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">The Inscrutable American</A> (60 links) - 200 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Bad Money</A> (166 links) - 155 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">The Alliance</A> (173 links) - 145 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Simon World</A> (30 links) - 100 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">angelweave</A> (97 links) - 97 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Leaning Towards the Dark Side</A> (27 links) - 96 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Practical Penumbra</A> (180 links) - 91 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">See The Donkey</A> (21 links) - 89 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Pardon My English</A> (55 links) - 87 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Being American in T.O.</A> (45 links) - 67 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">CandyUniverse</A> (47 links) - 66 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">The Everlasting Phelps</A> (30 links) - 57 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">The S-Train Canvass</A> (29 links) - 52 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">TacJammer</A> (47 links) - 40 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">An Englishman's Castle</A> (6 links) - 40 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">The Patriette</A> (41 links) - 37 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Civilization Calls</A> (30 links) - 36 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">curi's domain</A> (17 links) - 35 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Semi-Intelligent Thoughts</A> (48 links) - 32 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""></A> (19 links) - 28 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Wince and Nod</A> (44 links) - 28 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Irreconcilable Musings</A> (25 links) - 23 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">The Psychotic Rant</A> (29 links) - 17 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Single White Male</A> (9 links) - 16 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Cannon's Canon</A> (20 links) - 13 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Peripheral Mind</A> (32 links) - 13 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Shameless Self-Promotion</A> (14 links) - 10 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Hoppings of Roxette Bunny</A> (25 links) - 10 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""></A> (10 links) - 9 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Interested-Participant</A> (63 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT>


    posted by Harvey at 7:41:11 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    IMAO (569 links) - 2940 visits/day V
    Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love (176 links) - 1034 visits/day V
    Flying Chair (44 links) - 631 visits/day V
    annika's journal & poetry (83 links) - 260 visits/day V
    Patriot Paradox (44 links) - 233 visits/day V
    Ramblings of Silver Blue (124 links) - 211 visits/day V
    The Inscrutable American (60 links) - 200 visits/day V
    Bad Money (166 links) - 155 visits/day V
    The Alliance (173 links) - 145 visits/day V
    Simon World (30 links) - 100 visits/day V
    angelweave (97 links) - 97 visits/day V
    Leaning Towards the Dark Side (27 links) - 96 visits/day V
    Practical Penumbra (180 links) - 91 visits/day V
    See The Donkey (21 links) - 89 visits/day V
    Pardon My English (55 links) - 87 visits/day V
    Being American in T.O. (45 links) - 67 visits/day V
    CandyUniverse (47 links) - 66 visits/day V
    The Everlasting Phelps (30 links) - 57 visits/day V
    The S-Train Canvass (29 links) - 52 visits/day V
    TacJammer (47 links) - 40 visits/day V
    An Englishman's Castle (6 links) - 40 visits/day V
    The Patriette (41 links) - 37 visits/day V
    Civilization Calls (30 links) - 36 visits/day V
    curi's domain (17 links) - 35 visits/day V
    Semi-Intelligent Thoughts (48 links) - 32 visits/day V (19 links) - 28 visits/day V
    Wince and Nod (44 links) - 28 visits/day V
    Irreconcilable Musings (25 links) - 23 visits/day V
    The Psychotic Rant (29 links) - 17 visits/day V
    Single White Male (9 links) - 16 visits/day V
    Cannon's Canon (20 links) - 13 visits/day V
    Peripheral Mind (32 links) - 13 visits/day V
    Shameless Self-Promotion (14 links) - 10 visits/day V
    Hoppings of Roxette Bunny (25 links) - 10 visits/day V (10 links) - 9 visits/day V
    Interested-Participant (63 links) - visits/day V

    posted by Harvey at 7:39:28 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Well, I mentioned that I wasted Saturday afternoon raking leaves. Now the Bartender explains why. It's not free will, or an urge to create order out of chaos, or the desire to keep the neighbors from thinking I'm lazy white trash.

    It's because I'm a Cyborg.

    Call me Harvey, call me Bad Money. Doesn't matter. I was just doing what I was programmed to do.

    Stupid Cyberdyne Systems. Letting me think I was human all this time.


    posted by Harvey at 7:07:01 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Sunday, November 16, 2003


    This piece from Blogless Brother Roy:


    Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other
    people's business.  Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their

    She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his
    pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

    She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.  George, a
    man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away.

    He didn't explain, defend or deny - he said nothing.

    Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of  Sarah's house.

    And left it there all night....



    posted by Harvey at 11:24:56 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    A couple months ago, I introduced an excellent writer here, and hinted that he would soon have a blog of his own with which to entertain you with fervent doses of unapologetic Americanism. You might have wondered whatever happened to him. 

    Well, Jon is doing fine, and he retains his writing skills. It's just that, as of late, he's been using them in other directions.

    It seems that the love of his life, Julie, is currently battling both MS and lung cancer. So far, it's been tough sledding but she's hanging in there and has hope of recovery.

    Meanwhile, Jon is spending most of his time helping her make it through some very harrowing days, and has helped her set up her own blog to help her come to terms with her feelings about her experiences.

    Recently Jon (HySpeed) did an entry at her blog, Through The Looking Glass, explaining just what's been going on since November 4th. The entry is appropriately entitled Whirlwind. It's a mind-blower, and I can only stand in awe of how someone can go through such a mess and still keep a positive attitude. I hope that if I ever find myself in similar circumstances, I can do even half as well.

    Being an atheist, I cannot offer any prayers, but only sympathy and moral support. If your beliefs do include such an option, however, I would encourage you to exercise it at your earliest convenience.


    posted by Harvey at 11:13:42 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    As the rain falls from the sky

    So have I fallen for you.

    As the thunder longs to be heard,

    So I long to be loved by you.

    As the lightning bolts across the sky,

    So my heart bolts for you.

    As the sun shines beautifully and brightly,

    So does my smile because of you.

    For without rain, there is no growth.

    Without thunder, there is no sound.

    Without lightning, there is no brightness.

    Without sun, there is no warmth.

    And without you, there is no love!

    posted by Harvey at 10:47:00 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    All was going well for the youngest member of the Jackson 5, until the fateful day when Michael's agent offhandedly remarked, "You know, it seems like all the celebrities are getting plastic surgery these days."

    posted by Harvey at 10:42:42 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Because, thanks to Jed of Boots & Sabers, I found the REAL most powerful handgun in the world.

    And it ain't no piddly little .44 Magnum.


    posted by Harvey at 10:24:31 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I got an e-mail from my Blogless Brother Tom reporting on a frightening experience he just had while listening to the radio. Coincidentally, it also fulfills the requirements of this week’s Alliance assignment...


    I just heard this radio commercial.....

    Hey kids!

    Tired of the jocks pushing you around?
    Are hobos kicking sand in your face?

    Hi! I'm Evil Glenn Reynolds! I used to have the same problems, but I've developed a new product that makes them a thing of the past! Try my NEW Puppy Gainer 2000! The steroid-free way to bulk up fast, or for when you just need a quick energy boost before class.

    AND when you send in 2 UPC labels from any size can of Puppy Gainer 2000 and add 3 easy payments of $19.95 (+ $6.66 shipping & handling), you get this great Hobo Hammer weight set, perfectly balanced for hobo-whackin’-action and chrome-plated for easy clean up. These 10 pound hammers are a great way to build your upper body FAST, and if you act now, I'll include a copy of my new workout tape "Hobo Hammering to the Oldies". Give me just 6 minutes a day, I'll have you whackin’ hobos like a pro in no time! 

    You also get a blank contract for selling your soul to Satan, listing me as your sponsor(not valid in Hollywood, Las Vegas or Washington, D.C.).

    Act now, and, for a limited time, I'll also include a “Penguin Love” poster, absolutely free!

    So try my NEW Puppy Gainer 2000 today! In Vanilla, Chocolate Lab or new Poodleberry flavor...

    ...There might've been more, but I turned off the radio at that point. I really feel the need to take a shower, now. Type at you later.

    Blogless Brother Tom

    My poor innocent blogless brother has been horribly scarred by the experience, and now he gets the twitchies every time he hears a radio station breaking for commercial.

    Just one more reason...


    posted by Harvey at 9:46:42 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    The Bartender, the lunatic purveryor of adult beverages at the blogosphere's finest drinking establishment, Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, has finally started talking about what his cutomers want to hear, instead of pissing us all off with bad flea jokes that he gets from third-grade nerds who need extra cash because they got beaten up for their lunch money.


    Q. Are you a bartender in "real life"?

    ...I could still beat 95% of my bartenders in speed pouring tests and can free pour exact measurements with either hand...

    [notice he doesn't mention what he does with the other hand while he's pouring]

    Q. Which Corner of the Bar Babe would you most like to see covered in whipped cream? should see... Susie...

    [been there, covered that, got the .wmv file, viewing it on the lap top right now...]

    Q. How about if it's a really hot chick [who won't leave at quitting time]?
    A. Unless she's passed out in the coat room with her pants down around her ankles, she's gotta go too. No exceptions!

    [heh, didn't even have to edit that one to make him look bad]

    Anyway, for more excellent reasons on why you should never try to answer interview questions at 4am while completely shit-faced, go see the rest of his interview at Catwoman's Jen's place.


    posted by Harvey at 7:13:39 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    From my blogless Beloved Wife, comes this bit from the "forwarded a million times e-mail" file:


     Ladies of days gone by: If a lady accidentally over-salts a  dish while it's still cooking, she drops in a peeled potato and it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."


     Women of today: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."



     Ladies of days gone by: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.


     Women of today: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?



     Ladies of days gone by: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.


     Women of today: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.



     Ladies of days gone by: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.


     Women of today: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.



     Ladies of days gone by: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.


     Women of today: Go to the bakery -- they'll even decorate it for you.



     Ladies of days gone by: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.


     Women of today: Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.



     Ladies of days gone by: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.


     Women of today: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.



     And finally the most important tip....


     Ladies of days gone by: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.


     Women of today: Leftover wine??




     A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...

     But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"



    Now, would everybody be kind enough to mention to my wife that she could make herself a very nice, low-maintenance blog consisting mostly of these sorts of e-mails and a little bit of her own opinions thrown in from time to time? The Bartender (America's #1 Mixologist and #2 content-snatcher) was kind enough to drop such a hint on a previous post, but Beloved Wife is still currently unconvinced.


    posted by Harvey at 6:45:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Sometimes I worry about Matt O'Blackfive. For about the last week he's been deadly serious. Nothing but excellent posts on-war-related news:

    Sabotage of kosher baby formula

    A nice veterans day tribute

    The reasons why Wesley Clark is a weasel

    Why lefty bloggers are stupid, disrespectful, America-hating asshats

    Some post-Vet's day thanks (Bruce Willis rocks!)

    The heroic story of Captain Hornbuckle

    The 30+ countries joining us in our "unilateral" war

    and a bitch-slappin' to the bastards at the Chicago Trib for taking a cheap shot at the Patriot Act.

    I was beginning to think he'd never suck again.

    Fortunately for those of us who hate well-written, insightful analysis, he let his boy take over for a day, and Little Blackfive opined as follows:


    gfsdrjhggdsaa ssdfjjhhgvc33421dddsd23s3saajji hiuhuuii9999999999999999999999999999k jhgdsaa


    Matt, you know I have nothing but the deepest respect for you and your family, but your boy is DEAD WRONG on this issue, as my cat, Amber, explains:


     . hn    ifogouiujbncvm,. klmgvb237yu,. mnwsoiirfjk5rtv0obb90 v l,.kl tgfvjk


    She may have a brain the size of a walnut, but she's chased enough mice to know what's what, and, frankly, I can't find anything to argue with in her statement.

    I just hope Little Blackfive is man enough to admit when he's wrong, and this thing doesn't degenerate into a flamewar of personal insults like "semi-incontinent diaper-wearing know-nothing" and "illiterate, litter-box-scratching butt-lapper."


    posted by Harvey at 6:27:11 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    A while back, I came across an intriguing piece over at Lynn's place where she pondered the difference between what we do in cyberspace and what we do in the "real" world.



    I suspect that many people have trouble thinking of what goes on in cyberspace as "real." They might understand what the Internet is and how it works and yet still think of it as just something that is "on" their computer. I am aware of the existence of the citizens of cyberspace as real people and, in fact, I often feel closer to them than many of the people I have met in realspace. To some people this is crazy talk and a sure sign that I'm not quite right in the head so in realspace I usually keep these and other far-out ideas to myself but there is good reason for feeling this way



    That tickled something inside my brain, because I often find myself thinking of what I do on-line as somehow less real and less important that what I do with the people and things I interact with physically. She specifically notes in a later post that one's on-line and off-line persona are both equally "real" and should be accepted as such.


    It's a good point, and I wanted to say something about it, but I couldn't resolve my brain-tickle into words, so I let it go.


    Then I came across a post at American Digest where he discussed how internet activity isn't just some sort of soulless technological doo-dad, it's people reaching out to other people. Socializing and connecting.


    This edged the tickle up a little higher, but still, no conclusion on my part.


    I saw a post from Susie - nothing special, just some complaints about what a bad day she was having, but the thought occured to me that she wasn't writing that as some sort of journal-therapy. It was an effort to reach out in a human way through her blog and make some contact with other people, as per American Digest's point, and re-inforcing Lynn's point that these weren't just words on a screen, this was the real Susie having a real bout of the blahs.


    The mental itch was maddening, but still no conclusion.


    Finally, a post from Owen of Boots & Sabers brought it together for me.



    As I wander through my normal day, I rarely have the opportunity to discuss topics I enjoy or care about with the people around me. It's not usually appropriate to talk politics or social issues with customers and coworkers. That’s why I have found other bloggers to be a breath of fresh air. I love to read a blogger’s bio and find that he or she is just an ordinary guy or gal like me. Yet he or she has such interesting and insightful things to say on so many topics. I wish that people could discuss issues in the real world with such passion and excellence as they do in the blogosphere.




    When I was in the Navy, I was in a very specialized portion of the organization - the Nuclear Power Program. It requires 2 years of intensive learning, and you have to be incredibly smart to make it through. I don't have actual data, but, observationally, I'd guess that you need an IQ of at least 125 to qualify (100 is average for the population, and 140 or above puts you in that rarifed 1% labeled "genius".)


    I didn't much enjoy my actual job duties, which consisted mostly of being bored while sweating profusely in the 90+ degree heat of the engine room, but I did love working with my fellow nukes. Every day was dipped in a savory sauce of witty, if often sexually crude, banter, and the interactions were an unparalleled mental joy to experience.


    That's probably the only thing I really missed after I left the service.


    I thought I'd find that sort of intellectually stimulating interaction in college, but I was quickly disappointed. The students were, by and large, a dull, slow-witted lot, and I longed for the snappy comebacks and truly smart remarks of yesteryear.


    Although I was fortunate enough to marry an intellectual equal who could keep up with me in friendly, playful games of verbal one-upsmanship, my life at the bank did nothing for me. I was surrounded by a bunch of small-town small-minds whose idea of brilliant conversation seldom rose above the level of commenting on the weather.


    Nothing like inanity to crush a man's soul.


    Fortunately, I've discovered the joys of blogging. Yes, the blogosphere is comprised primarily of 60-watt prattlers, but amongst the dreck are a good selection of great minds writing excellent entries on important topics that interest me. But even when there's no inspiration to be had, and the wise are reduced to the depths of cat-blogging, there's still entertainment to be found in the creative presentation style.


    So for me, that's what blogging is all about: the best real part of me seeking to interact with the best real part of other people. It's not just "words on a screen", it's little snippets of my life on a big dance floor, hoofin' around with some of the greatest folks I've ever met.


    Come dance with me, and I'll show you the time of your life.




    posted by Harvey at 3:10:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Saturday, November 15, 2003


    Spent the afternoon wrasslin' with those nasty leaves coating my yard. Then I plopped down in front of the tube to recharge my batteries by watching a couple episodes from the Deep Space Nine season 1 DVD set with Beloved Wife. It turned into a marathon & we polished off the last 8 episodes. Now I'm gonna go snuggle with my best girl, so normal blogging will resume tomorrow, sometime before & after the Packers kick the crap outa Tampa Bay.


    posted by Harvey at 11:42:19 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    You are my heart - personified


    posted by Harvey at 11:36:59 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Susie's been feeling a little low lately. Or so she claims.

    But she seemed to perk up a bit after this post. I think that if we read between the lines, the answer will become clear as to why:


    I really enjoyed Harvey... good time... up... now... stuff... full... now... joy


    Glad I could help, Susie ;-)


    posted by Harvey at 11:42:47 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Friday, November 14, 2003


    There a few (very few) books that I've read more than once. Atlas Shrugged, The Hobbit, and The Stand most notable among them. With most books, there's really no point in a second reading. Once you know the ending, there's no reason to go back.

    But with some stories, it's the journey and not the destination that holds the attraction. It's the gently rolling hills of emotional landscape that the author guides you over that make the trip worthwhile.

    J, of Quibbles & Bits has such a story in "The Mailbox". Although I thought the ending was fairly well telegraphed, J's firm but gentle guidance through the development of the characters and their unfolding feelings makes for a delightful experience.

    Ah, so well I recall those yearnings of young love... the hope, the desire, the aching, the longing for something magical, yet seemingly unattainable. J made me re-experience all those things, and for that I thank him.

    If you remember your first awkward crush with a degree of nostalgic fondness, this story should be read by you.

    Maybe even more than once...


    posted by Harvey at 11:00:04 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Some Chicago-style voting this week (1 man, 3 votes)

    The Daily Ablution spoils David Lynch's TM vibe with David Lynch to Bring World Peace - 'It Could Happen This Year'

    It's a well-written piece with an appropriately mocking tone. My only bitch is that he didn't give a link to David Lynch's filmography, which would be helpful to people like me who've never heard this assclown's name before.

    eTalkingHead gives Al Gore's stupidity a well-deserved knee in the groin with The misleading statements of a misleading misleader

    No complaints here. He makes a single point, makes it forcefully, and stops talking when he's done making it. Good job.

    Ruminations in Korea describes a problem - (that despite my having visited this beautiful country, I never knew existed) - of a lack of inter-racial respect amongst the natives with A Blessing and a Curse.

    Apparently some Koreans have a bad habit of dissing whitey in loud voices, because they think he doesn't speak the language. Jeff gives some examples of overheard remarks that made for some hurt feelings then, but some funny stories now.

    As for the rest of the NBS entries? Not as impressive.


    posted by Harvey at 10:37:46 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Brought to you tonight by Waring - When You Care Enough To Blend The Very Best.

    New Blog Showcase voting reminder (oh, crap! I still need to do that!)

    An abundance of personals ads for Evil Glenn.

    An update for folks looking to join the Alliance

    A new Filthy Lie Assignment: Write an ad/commercial featuring Evil Glenn as the celebrity spokesman.



    posted by Harvey at 9:58:32 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Long after moments of closeness have passed, a part of you remains with me and warms the places your hands have touched and hastens my heart for your return.


    posted by Harvey at 8:25:25 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    WHAT PAULA SAID: "Thank you! That's so sweet!"

    WHAT PAULA THOUGHT: "It's gonna take at least 49 more of these before you see any action."


    posted by Harvey at 8:23:00 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    My vote for "spam subject line of the year":

    sulfanilamide radiocarbon belgian complementarity

    I'm not sure what it has to do with free instant access to hundreds of live nude cams, but I have to admit that they got my attention.


    posted by Harvey at 7:15:31 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I remember 1977, standing in a block-long line at my home-town's single screen theater, waiting to see Star Wars. I remember repeating the effort at least half a dozen times that year.

    Then came Empire Strikes Back & Return of the Jedi. Great stuff.

    And the rumors flew about how Lucas' big vision was for 9 movies. The middle 3, which he just did, 3 prequels, and 3 sequels. I figured I'd be dead before I ever saw them all.

    Then Episode 1 one came out, and I wished I'd been right.

    Jar-Jar. F-ing Jar-Jar. Damn you George, I've never forgiven you for that floppy-eared goon.

    Neither has God.

    J of Quibbles & Bits has the scoop on what it's like to have to explain your stupidest mistake to the Almighty in the afterlife:


    “Look, George, we have to talk about something,” God said.

    “Sure God, what’s on your mind?” George asked.

    “Jar-Jar,” came God’s repetitive reply.

    “Oh,” George blushed. “I thought it was a good idea at the time!”

    “Oh, George,” God sighed, “Hitler thought killing the Jews was a good idea, too. There are just some things you don’t do!”


    Go read the whole thing.


    posted by Harvey at 7:32:14 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    How do you tell your Bartender you love him? By leaving a friendly "f*** you" in his comments. Yes, there is actually such a thing as a friendly f*** you - it's mostly some kind of weird male-bonding thing.

    Now let's say you want to be friendly, however, your are a fragile flower, and even asterisks are to strongly offensive for your delicate sensibilities to type. Thanks to the comments left to this post, I've learned 2 ways to flip a symbolic bird with just a few keyboard strokes:




    if you're left handed, make it ::|:. and mIn


    posted by Harvey at 6:58:47 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Thursday, November 13, 2003


    The Carnival of the Vanities #60 is up over at Dead Ends. There are a lot of good posts there, but there's also one that got deliberately excluded by the host:

    This erotic romance-novel-esque piece from Jim of Snooze Button Dreams. Which I read with one hand on the mouse's scroll button. I really liked the ending, too.

    Some people are quite upset over this exclusion.

    Others are more sanguine, taking the "it's his blog" angle.

    Me, I'm just glad it happened. I'd always assumed that the Carnival was an "open to all comers" event, where any post whose link was submitted in a timely fashion would be posted. When I first entered, I did kind of wonder whether there was any sort of "quality control", but none of my trash ever got rejected, so I stopped thinking about it. But because of this edition's controversial event, 2 important things happened:

    1) It's been clarified that the host is to accept all properly submitted entries, so all future hosts and participants are on notice, and

    2) Tom got more attention for his post by being excluded than he would've had it actually been accepted.

    Since the tempest is now out of the teapot, I'm going to go to bed now & forget it ever happened. I'll re-channel whatever wrath I had toward more important targets like Puppy Blenders & the French.


    posted by Harvey at 10:50:12 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []




    I walked into Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon the other night to take the edge off the work day, and saw a familiar face sitting at the bar.


    Harv: Hi Trey. Don't see you in here often. What's up?


    Trey: Oh, hi Harv. I've been having a rough day and I just came in to drown a few sorrows.


    Harv: Mandatory diversity training getting you down again? Must be pretty bad if you're doing whiskey shots. I know you're usually more of a wine person.


    Trey: Those pansy-ass diversity bigots really got me peeved, but that's not the big problem. What's troubling me is this horrifying picture. [sliding it over to me]


    Harv: Oh my god! That filthy puppy-blender has gone too far this time! I'm going to hunt him down and kill him! This is obscene!


    Trey: I usually don't condone gratuitous violence, but give him a groin kick for me.


    Harv: Will do. By the way, why is Dana beating the crap out of Matt O'Blackfive in the corner over there?


    Trey: I'm not sure. I know she's been kinda tense lately about the whole Howard Dean thing, but I don't know what set her off. All Matt said was something like "these are the worst cards I've ever seen" and Dana just started smashing beer mugs over his head. Maybe she misunderstood him?


    Harv: Maybe. She's pretty fierce when she gets up a head of steam.


    Trey: Yeah. But you really gotta love the way her nipples perk up when she's angry. God that's hot!


    Harv: Tell me about it! I... hey, wait... I thought you were gay?


    Trey: Yeah, but my inner lesbian gets the best of me sometimes.


    Harv: Heh. With all the licking I do, sometimes I think I'm a lesbian myself. Anyway, I'm off to murder Evil Glenn.


    Trey: Ok. Hey, Bartender! Another shot of whiskey! And how about a clean glass this time?


    Dana: Did you say Howard Dean!?! I'll strangle you dead! RARRR!


    Harv: Gotta go! I'll visit you in the hospital, Trey!


    Trey: ACK! *gurgle*


    So I went off in search of Evil Glenn, fully prepared to finish the Alliance's job once and for all. I don't usually murder non-hippies, but I just kept seeing that poor puppy's little head in my mind...


    I went over to the bad part of the blogosphere to Mudfish Billie's Virtual Tavern, hoping to spot my quarry. As I walked through the doors, I immediately recognized the Dark Overlord of Cyberspace, sitting at the bar, nursing a puppy smoothie. I approached coolly...


    Harv: Puppy Blender


    Evil Glenn: Currency Freak.


    Harv: How are you doing this fine last evening of your life?


    Evil Glenn: So you've come to kill me?


    Harv: In a fit of cold-blooded fury, yes.



    I caressed the trigger of my Frank J. Memorial 1991.



    Evil Glenn: Please do. I've got nothing left to live for, anyway.


    Harv: Good! Because I'm going to give you such a shooting! DIE, you evil... Wait,... did you just say "please do"?


    Evil Glenn: Yeah.



    A wave of pity overcame me. I lowered the gun.



    Harv: Well, not that I care, but what's the problem?


    Evil Glenn: I thought I had it all: complete control of the blogosphere, a new MixMaster 3000, a great job as a law professor, loyal minions to help me murder hobos... but it all feels so... meaningless. I'm so empty inside...


    Harv: So you can't get laid, then?


    Evil Glenn: That's one way of putting it.


    Harv: Come on, it can't be THAT bad. There must be SOMEONE out there who doesn't mind your Satan-worshiping & Robot Dancing.


    Evil Glenn: If there is, I can't find her. Every woman I talk to runs away screaming.


    Harv: Maybe if you wiped the puppy entrails off your chin, you could...


    Evil Glenn: Don't start giving ME fashion tips! What is this? Queer Eye for the Straight Blogger?


    Harv: That would be Trey's bit.


    Evil Glenn: Who?


    Harv: Never mind. Have you thought about maybe placing a personals ad?


    Evil Glenn: A what?


    Harv: A personals ad. You know, a brief description of your character and personality for placement in a newspaper to attract attention from members of the opposite sex?


    Evil Glenn: Never heard of it.


    Harv: You don't get out much, do you?


    Evil Glenn: Does blogging count as "out"?


    Harv: Look, it's easy, just decribe yourself in a short paragraph and add a little something about what you're looking for in a mate. I'll take notes.


    Evil Glenn: I thought you came to kill me?


    Harv: Getting you laid takes precedence here. I have my priorities.


    Evil Glenn: Don't you EVER think about anything besides sex?


    Harv: Sailor


    Evil Glenn: Touché. Ok, take this down: "Single white pengo-sexual seeks...


    Harv: Glenn...


    Evil Glenn: WHAT?


    Harv: Save the sicko beastiality crap for the second date. Right now let's just aim for a homo sapien


    Evil Glenn: Hey! I'm strictly AC!


    Harv: I said "sapien".


    Evil Glenn: Oh... Sorry.... How about, "Sensitive, caring man seeks kind, considerate woman..."


    Harv: Better... go on...


    Evil Glenn: "... who enjoys long walks, holding hands, rainy nights by the fire..."


    Harv: This is prime stuff...


    Evil Glenn:"... and violently punching bloggers..."


    Harv: Glenn...


    Evil Glenn: WHAT?


    Harv: Not everybody knows what a blogger is. They'll probably think it's a euphemism for anal sex.


    Evil Glenn: Actually...


    Harv: Again, second date. Try a little more subtlety.


    Evil Glenn: "... and who's experienced enough to know that hind-sight is 20-20."


    Harv: Better


    Evil Glenn: "Come join me for a little puppy-smoo..."


    Harv: Carefullll...


    Evill Glenn: "puppy love. I hope that we'll find happiness together."


    Harv: That was lovely *sniff*


    Evil Glenn: Ok, now read that back.


    Harv: "Sensitive, caring man seeks..." DIE, Puppy Blender!



    Quickly I raised the gun, aimed carefully right between his damnable hobo-murdering eyes and...


    Everything went black. The next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital next to Trey. Apparently the Evil Bartender, Mudfish Billie, had snuck up behind me while I was talking to Glenn and cold-cocked me before I could pull the trigger. Trey was recovering nicely from Dana's strangling, since Finn the Viking had distracted her with a naked  picture of Eminem before she could do any permanent damage.


    As I lay there enjoying the morphine, I noticed a get-well card on the nightstand...




    Hope you recover quickly. Worthy adversaries are hard to come by. Here's $20 to help cover your medical expenses.


    By the way, thanks for the help with the personals ad. Because of you, I've finally found the woman of my dreams. Here's her picture. Ain't she something? Heh. Indeed.




    "Miserable, stinking, degenerate bastard," I mumbled, eyes smarting from the photographic torture.


    P.S Lawyer


    Damn you Glenn Reynolds! This is NOT over! NOT BY A LONG SHOT!




    posted by Harvey at 10:02:19 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Wait... yes I do.

    So here's my answer to Joey's new question (Nov 10 CTRL+F "awesome"):

    What are three good reasons I shouldn't give the dollar to Harvey this week?

    1) Harvey's a dick

    2) Harvey already has 87 billion dollars and doesn't need any more money.

    3) Harvey has nasty, hairy man-boobs.


    posted by Harvey at 8:39:54 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    The suggestions for the new UN motto are available.

    New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: Uday & Qusay's Last Words.

    Don't forget Evil Glenn's Personals Ad by 6pm Friday.


    posted by Harvey at 8:28:32 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I’m shamelessly stealing this from the comments to this post by Jed of Boots & Sabers because I want the
    Google hits.

    There are several different sets of rules, so pick your favorite list, pass it around your school, and get snappin’, yo!:

    red - likes brittney spears
    blue - dislikes brittney spears
    orange - N'Sync fan
    purple - rainbow brite fan
    silvery - likes care bears
    black - likes my little pony
    pink - dislikes my little pony
    yellow - sodomy

    Red... lap dance
    Blue... oral sex
    Black... regular sex
    Purple... kiss
    Yellow... hug

    BLACK - sex
    RED - rainbow kiss
    YELLOW - hug
    PINK - pash
    PURPLE - doggy style
    BLUE - head job
    GREEN - lick out
    WHITE - flash both

    Black - sex
    Red - oral
    purple - get high
    blue - lap dance
    white - gay kiss (girl kisses girl boy kisses boy)
    clear - do what you want
    yellow - hug
    green - outside (sex)

    blue - oral sex
    black - sex
    clear - do what you want
    green - hug
    yellow - kiss
    red - head or eat out
    purple - in the butt

    Black - sex
    Red - head
    Orange - kiss
    Yellow - lick booty
    Green - doggy style
    Purple - from back
    Pink - from side
    Blue - oral sex
    White - french kiss
    Clear - hug

    Yellow – HUG
    Orange – KISS
    Red – LAP DANCE
    Pink – FLASH
    Glittery Yellow – MAKE OUT
    Blue – ORAL
    Black – SEX
    Green – DOGGY STYLE
    Purple – ANAL
    Clear – ANYTHING the snapper wants

    Red = Impressionable Idiot
    Blue = Slave to Fashion
    Green = Too much disposable income
    Pink = No backbone
    Yellow = Not too bright
    Purple = Need to get a life



    posted by Harvey at 8:07:36 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk by again?


    posted by Harvey at 7:45:30 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Half of this bill (which is made of a special litmus paper) was dipped in Perrier - which tested strongly positive for both benzene and cowardice.


    posted by Harvey at 7:39:03 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I think Susie's been fighting the Blog War too long. All that contact with the forces of Evil Glenn... sometimes things rub off. Bad things.

    Oh, I don't mean the sweetest woman in the blogosphere is going to start blending puppies or anything, but I did recently hear her say that she's been thinking about torturing wombats.

    By feeding them bits of roasted comment spammers.

    Stay good, Susie, stay good!


    posted by Harvey at 7:10:12 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Wednesday, November 12, 2003


    Poorly labeled in one of Don's link round-ups, was this post from Snooze Button Dreams that links to a site which gives instructions for women who want to master the manly art of peeing while standing.

    I hope this catches on. It'll be nice to be able to peep over at the next urinal and not see someone longer than me for a change.


    posted by Harvey at 11:14:05 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    In a fit of narcissism, I poked around at Technorati to see who was linking me.

    Hmmm... Aethele...I don't recognize that name. No direct link to the post, so I'll just have to hit the main page & scroll around.

    Ah, there it is. She got my A-Z post off of Matty O'Blackfive.

    And what's this over here? Enemyster (not friendster) Sounds intriguing...

    What's this item? [can't find the link anymore, but I swear it used to be there]

    It's Life of a Pug!

    Now, I think pugs are the nasty-ugliest things on the planet, but this one gets dressed in all kinds of humiliating costumes, so I found it amusing.

    Be sure to check the archives.

    Technorati... is there anything it can't do?

    posted by Harvey at 11:05:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    I AM SO IN LOVE...

    ... with this woman.

    (via the Bartender)

    posted by Harvey at 10:33:53 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I just discovered that Venomous Kate, poisonously charming hostess of the weekly Snark Hunt, will soon have to endure the misery of having her military husband sent away on undisclosed overseas duty.

    I don't know what it's like to be left behind like that. In my Navy days, I was always the one doing the leaving. Frankly, I suspect I had the easier weight to bear. I was kept busy fulfilling my mission, with plenty to do, and little time for indulging in heartache. Yes, I missed the girl I left behind (the one I married many years later) during the quiet hours, and there were more than a few tears on my pillow, but I was in a working environment, and work was what I focused on.

    Kate, on the other hand, like my left-behind girl, is not so fortunate. Every day, she will have to wander through her house, constantly tripping over the empty spaces left in her husband's absence. She will have to see, always and everywhere, the constant reminders of her man, and the life they've built together.

    That. Hurts.

    I wish her well in her time of aching, and I hope that the parting is as short as humanly possible.

    Bless you, Kate, and, as a vet, I salute you for what you've given.


    posted by Harvey at 10:29:53 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    So, after making Joey the star of the world's greatest rock band, Filthy Lucre, and rocketing us to the top of the charts with our hit song, "Socialism Sucks", how does Joey repay me?

    Ok, besides with a dollar.

    He fisked my damn song! (Nov 10, CTRL+F "awesome")

    Not only that, but his remarks about about his beverage preferences caused Mountain Dew to withdraw sponsorship from our concert, so that's been cancelled. Thanks for the financial ruination, Joey.

    Plus, he's added insult to... well, insult, by making his new question:


    What are three good reasons I shouldn't give the dollar to Harvey this week?


    I'm gonna have to wrestle with some conflict of interest issues, so my answer will come later. Meanwhile, the rest of you go help him figure out how to cheat me out of what's rightfully mine.


    posted by Harvey at 10:07:34 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    I long to touch your soul,

    To taste the sacredness of you,

    A love so pure, sublime, serene…

    A dream contemptuous of time.

    Come to me, Love, and wrap me up

    In endless dreams, caresses sweet

    With gentleness and joy.

    My aching heart, filled with desire,

    Would gladly soar through time and space

    Just to dissolve in your embrace once more…

    And melt in your soul’s sweet fire.


    posted by Harvey at 9:46:12 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    From "Little Known Facts About the Bible", page 25:

    "The early Church elders chose to omit the first 67 of Mark's original 83 chapters . They were later collected and published as "Potty Training Messiahs for Dummies"."


    posted by Harvey at 9:37:17 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Looks like the server at my image host is down right now, so Today's Graffiti Currency may be delayed or denied.

    Gee Bartender, looks like you get to blame someone else tonight :-)



    posted by Harvey at 6:18:57 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    A contest is being run by that whackjob Don of Anger Management (and his evil twin Don, with whom he's been bickering a lot lately) and it has its first immunity challenge going, which is:


    As you may know, Rachel Lucas has taken an open-ended vacation from blogging. As you also may know, this really really sucks. Your first assignment, if you choose to accept it (and you had better) is to plead for Rachel's return.


    Well, 5 of the 6 took it seriously. The other one got creative.

    I like song parodies... if they're well done. There's a tense balancing act between changing enough words to get your point across, and leaving enough of the original lyrics to help you keep the original song in mind. Entrant #2 hits the sweet spot on his/her version of American Pie:


    A long long time ago
    I can still remember
    how that blogger used to make me smile
    And I knew if she stayed around
    The liberal idiots she would pound
    And maybe they'd go away, for a while
    But October 17th made me shiver
    As under pictures of Sunny n' Digger
    She had ceased her blogging
    It gave my heart a flogging
    I can't remember if I cried
    When I read about her canine pride
    But something touched me deep inside
    The day, rachel's blog, died

    CHORUS :
    Bye-bye, Miss Capitalist Queen
    Drove my chevy to the levee
    Trying not to cry out my spleen
    How could Rachel ever be so mean
    To fade away from the blogging scene?
    She left the blogosphere like a dream.


    And mystery contestant goes on to do the whole freaking song! Not the 3 minute shrinky-dink version, I'm talking all 843 stanzas of it.

    Go now, please, and reward such brilliance with a vote.

    Oh, and he/she mentioned my name in his/her little ditty, which makes it extra cool.


    posted by Harvey at 4:53:06 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Don't remember where I got this one from. Possibly the Bartender - which would make sense, since I often don't remember things after binge being there for a while.

    Anyway, LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands Alone had a link to "The Cutie Bunch Friendly Pal Pack". It's a delightful little children's tale that reminds me quite a bit of a virtual-book version of the "Happy Tree Friends".

    Highly recommended for blogless brothers...

    Oh, and please don't go to either of those last two links unless you actually find Itchy & Scratchy cartoons funny.


    posted by Harvey at 4:26:01 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Turns out Lynn likes the word "antidisestablishmentarianism". For it's length alone. (Quiet, brain! Don't go there!) So much so that she went ahead & Googled up some cool links (and I quote):


    The Straight Dope Mailbag which throws in a few more hippopotomonstrosesquipidelian words in response to a reader's question.

    Steve Thompson's homepage says he used to have a blog titled "Antidisestablishmentarianism" but he changed the name to "Something Clever." I thought Antidisestablishmentarianism was a pretty clever title and probably a good way to get a lot of search referrals. The URL, on the other hand, is just weird.

    Jedi Mike humourously deconstructs the word.

    There are a few serious sites using the word.


    There's more, too, including a song by that title which contains the word "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis".

    Lynn is so cool :-)


    posted by Harvey at 4:07:33 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Just a little something I overheard the Puppy Blender saying to Deep Cover Agent, Codename: Jen the other day. I liked it so much, I put it on the sidebar.


    posted by Harvey at 3:37:43 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I've seen a lot of Veteran's Day posts out there today, but Trey has a new angle on the topic that makes me go, "huh... ya know... he's exactly right"


    Veteran’s Day is a day set aside to celebrate the dedication, effort, and accomplishment of our military. Those brave men and women from the American Revolution to today have been charged with the task of protecting our freedom.

    So, I’m doing the only thing I can think of that is wholly appropriate to venerate their success and efforts: I’m working.

    Work is my way of affirming their action and existence. It’s my life, liberty, and property they are fighting to protect, so what’s better than making sound use of those things? What better way to toast to their success?


    Thank you, Trey.

    posted by Harvey at 12:45:45 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    His Blessed Cruelty, Emperor Misha I of the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler, is currently NOT WINNING in a poll which is attempting to choose the most offensive male blogger.


    Go vote! Early, often, and with extreme prejudice!


    posted by Harvey at 12:21:09 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Tuesday, November 11, 2003


    Good ol' Quibbly J. He's got such a great sense of humor. He thinks it's funny to start writing bizarre yet compelling stories, and then just leave you hanging right when he gets to the part where you REALLY start wondering what the F*** is going on. Like this cute little story "The Mailbox"


    Steven Stewart, Stewie to his friends, stared at his own hand. He had felt the contact of something warm, unusual for this Dallas winter, even stranger in his mailbox. He examined his digits just to be sure they were still there. He looked at the mailbox again. Bright light poured from the open door, brilliant in the darkness. He cautiously put his hand in front of the mailbox.

    The light seemed to be warm, but not hot. He put his hand on the outside of the mailbox. It was cold steel, but the light seemed warm. He leaned over and looked into the light. He saw trees.

    “Trees…” he muttered, “Trees…” He leaned over and looked through the mailbox again.

    He gasped and almost screamed. There was a head in his mailbox. He looked again. It wasn’t a head, but a face. A very attractive face, with the bluest eyes and freckles on her nose.

    “Hi,” he said.


    Here's the deal J. I'm having all my readers (ok, "both") stop by your blog and throw tennis balls at your virtual house until you get part 2 finished & posted. My theory being that the noise will keep you awake until the story's done. I figure you don't need (or deserve) any sleep until that time.

    It's only fair, since I'm not going to be able to sleep until I get some damn answers about that mailbox.

    Let the fuzzy yellow pummelling begin!


    posted by Harvey at 11:52:17 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Trey is not an Alliance member, but since the Precision Guided Humor target this week is the UN, he decided to have some fun with it. Now, I normally don't go giving out links before the round-up, but he wallops the collectivist bastards with FIFTY different mottos!

    Warning: Random & Capricious Drink Alerts ARE in effect. Swallow first, then check the first 10:


    1. We’re the UN. We spit in the general direction of individual and national sovereignty. PA-TOOIE!
    2. UN: Metaphorically shepherding compromise between food and poison since 1945
    3. UN: Integrity? AAAA!! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!
    4. UN: We never had any standards to start with so we can’t count this as a loss.
    5. UN: Out to lunch
    6. UN: We let the fox guard the henhouse because it’s good for the foxes’ self-esteem.
    7. UN: Yes, we said that with a straight face.
    8. UN: We’re high.
    9. UN: Whatever. As long as you don’t call it “appeasement.”
    10. UN: Rational? Go fish.


    I leave the other 40 as an exercise for the reader to discover.

    I had to think about #29 for a few seconds, but when it hit me, I damn near fell outa my chair.


    posted by Harvey at 11:28:02 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    To be a member of the Corner of the Bar Gang (a FOUNDING member, no less) and not have the Bartender know who I am drinkwise. Therefore, my first stupid Quizilla Quiz:

    <Kinky and fun, you know how to scream and you sure know how to have one hell of a party!! And one hell of a night . . .
    Congratulations! You're a screaming orgasm!!

    What Drink Are You?
    brought to you by Quizilla


    Anyone who's surprised by this, please speak up...


    posted by Harvey at 7:52:44 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    You have until Wednesday midnight to get your questions for the Bartender to Catwoman Jen Lars. After all the watery drinks he's poured into your filthy glasses, you owe him something (besides a hearty "F*** you, Bartender!"), so get your questions in before it's too late.

    Nothing is too weird, twisted, sick, perverted, or dirty.

    Or you can just ask him dull stuff about his life, since he hasn't mentioned shit about his meat-world existence. I think he lives in Luxemburg or something.

    That's jenlars at

    GO! NOW!

    Hey, try these. You might have to swap genders, though.


    posted by Harvey at 7:46:44 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    While cruising around the blogosphere today, I saw a lot of posts giving thanks to the veterans who served and/or sacrificed over the course of this country's history.

    Since I'm a veteran myself (Cold War, 85-91) I'd like to say, "you're welcome".

    And I'd also like to thank *you* for being the kind of Americans that make this country worth serving and defending.

    God bless the patriotic citizens of the United States.

    And thank you for the tax dollars that were used to pay my salary and maintain my equipment during those 6 years, and thank you for funding the GI Bill, by means of which I payed for my college education after my term of service was over.

    I wanted to say that, because, unlike the entitlement-mentality welfare recipients who squander your hard earned money without even the barest nod toward the funders of their un-earned lifestyle, I *do* appreciate what I was given, and I'm thankful to *everyone* who filled out a 1040 during those years, and who kept me warm and dry and clothed and fed.

    Thank you.


    posted by Harvey at 7:35:03 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Must be because Kevin's got the Bonfire roaring again. 19th week in a row. Geez, he needs a life.

    I'm almost ashamed to link it this week, because how can you call something bad that has a link to Playboy's "Girls of the Blog War" photo shoot, featuring Susie & Jen in some seriously hot girl-on-girl blogchick action. (CTRL+F "nudity")

    It's the Queen of Suck gettin' frisky with the Link Madam.

    Man, this is my filthiest, sweatiest dream come true.

    What I wouldn't give for a can of Redi-Whip to go with this...


    posted by Harvey at 7:00:39 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    "You have gripped my soul with a ferocity reserved for a castaway clinging to a raft in the middle of the ocean. If my soul is the raft, it is your hold that keeps me afloat. Don't ever let go. I love you."


    posted by Harvey at 6:27:44 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Even George Washington is getting on the bandwagon by following the new trend of pooping on bad blogs.



    posted by Harvey at 6:21:33 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Monday, November 10, 2003


    <P><A href="">IMAO</A> (558 links) - 3022 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Anti-Idiotarian Rotweiler</A> (463 links) - 2835 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love</A> (154 links) - 763 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">annika's journal &amp; poetry</A> (79 links) - 249 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Ramblings of Silver Blue</A> (121 links) - 206 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">The Alliance</A> (156 links) - 156 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Patriot Paradox</A> (37 links) - 149 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Bad Money</A> (140 links) - 146 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">angelweave</A> (111 links) - 115 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon</A> (84 links) - 98 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Practical Penumbra</A> (176 links) - 87 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Pardon My English</A> (47 links) - 84 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Being American in T.O.</A> (43 links) - 70 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">See The Donkey</A> (15 links) - 68 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Altered Perceptions</A> (44 links) - 65 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">physics geek</A> (39 links) - 63 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">The S-Train Canvass</A> (26 links) - 61 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Semi-Intelligent Thoughts</A> (60 links) - 45 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Civilization Calls</A> (30 links) - 43 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">CandyUniverse</A> (41 links) - 35 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Grim's Hall</A> (15 links) - 31 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Wince and Nod</A> (42 links) - 30 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">The Psychotic Rant</A> (26 links) - 26 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Peripheral Mind</A> (48 links) - 24 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Five Wasps</A> (14 links) - 23 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Not Quite Tea and Crumpets</A> (31 links) - 22 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Hypocrisy and Hypotheses</A> (23 links) - 22 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">curi's domain</A> (7 links) - 21 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Various Orthodoxies</A> (28 links) - 17 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Newmanisms</A> (21 links) - 17 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Cannon's Canon</A> (16 links) - 11 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Hoppings of Roxette Bunny</A> (23 links) - 10 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Flying Chair</A> (32 links) - 0 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="">Interested-Participant</A> (63 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR></P>


    posted by Harvey at 8:50:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    IMAO (558 links) - 3022 visits/day V
    Anti-Idiotarian Rotweiler (463 links) - 2835 visits/day V
    Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love (154 links) - 763 visits/day V
    annika's journal & poetry (79 links) - 249 visits/day V
    Ramblings of Silver Blue (121 links) - 206 visits/day V
    The Alliance (156 links) - 156 visits/day V
    Patriot Paradox (37 links) - 149 visits/day V
    Bad Money (140 links) - 146 visits/day V
    angelweave (111 links) - 115 visits/day V
    Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon (84 links) - 98 visits/day V
    Practical Penumbra (176 links) - 87 visits/day V
    Pardon My English (47 links) - 84 visits/day V
    Being American in T.O. (43 links) - 70 visits/day V
    See The Donkey (15 links) - 68 visits/day V
    Altered Perceptions (44 links) - 65 visits/day V
    physics geek (39 links) - 63 visits/day V
    The S-Train Canvass (26 links) - 61 visits/day V
    Semi-Intelligent Thoughts (60 links) - 45 visits/day V
    Civilization Calls (30 links) - 43 visits/day V
    CandyUniverse (41 links) - 35 visits/day V
    Grim's Hall (15 links) - 31 visits/day V
    Wince and Nod (42 links) - 30 visits/day V
    The Psychotic Rant (26 links) - 26 visits/day V
    Peripheral Mind (48 links) - 24 visits/day V
    Five Wasps (14 links) - 23 visits/day V
    Not Quite Tea and Crumpets (31 links) - 22 visits/day V
    Hypocrisy and Hypotheses (23 links) - 22 visits/day V
    curi's domain (7 links) - 21 visits/day V
    Various Orthodoxies (28 links) - 17 visits/day V
    Newmanisms (21 links) - 17 visits/day V
    Cannon's Canon (16 links) - 11 visits/day V
    Hoppings of Roxette Bunny (23 links) - 10 visits/day V
    Flying Chair (32 links) - 0 visits/day V
    Interested-Participant (63 links) - visits/day V

    posted by Harvey at 8:43:26 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Remember "blogging as brain jazz"? Well, Don of Anger Management saw my post on League of Liberal link-whoring, and took it up to a whole 'nother level:


    It's basic economics. Value depends on scarcity. If you only link to quality posts, you'll be able to drive more traffic to those posts, thus increasing the value of your links and thereby the importance of your blog. Put simply, people will want to be linked to by you so they can get lots of hits! And guess what? That means they'll probably link to you so you get lots of hits...and get driven further up the Ecosystem in the process!

    If you link to any old post, however, you will soon find that your links don't command a lot of attention. People won't care about getting links from you because it won't result in actual hits. The value of your links is reduced. And, what's worse, when you do find something you REALLY want to link to, you'll find that you STILL can't conjure up much traffic. Remember: just like bad money drives out good money, bad links drive out quality links.


    Go over there and dig that cat's righteous groove, baby.


    posted by Harvey at 7:54:13 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Yes, the UN needs a better motto than what it currently has (which is either nothing, or "Rice is Life") Here's my top 10:

    10) UNable, UNaccountable, UNtrustworthy.

    9) Dictators for rent or lease. Dial 1-800-OPPRESS.

    8) Peace through superior surrender power.

    7) We are too relevant.

    6) Pitiful, yet unanimous.

    5) Supporting world peace by ignoring genocide.

    4) Appeasing, not opposing.

    3) See? There is something more cowardly than a Frenchman.

    2) Resolving terrorists back to the stone age.

    And the #1 suggestion for a UN motto:

    1) More talk than a girl's slumber party, less action than a nun's vagina.


    posted by Harvey at 7:47:40 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Wait... did that sound dirty? Nevermind.

    What I'm trying to say is that Susie, the sweetest woman in the blogosphere and the overworked, underpaid Alliance Hostess and Ping Madam has her interview up at Misguided Minioness Jen's blog. Many shocking secrets are revealed, including:


    Who is your favorite blogger: Harvey or Madfish Willie?

    You mean after Frank, right? Now this is the kind of question that's going to make somebody's feelings hurt...


    What's your favorite alcoholic beverage?

    My all-time favorite drink is kaluha and cream. I don't drink them very
    often though because they taste so good it's hard to keep track of how many
    there've been, and before you know it, somebody's naked...

    ...duct tape...


    ...they're pretty big...

    ...fall to the floor...

    ...very studly...

    ...warm, cuddly and hirsute...

    ...boobie pictures...


    You heard it all out of context here first.


    posted by Harvey at 7:33:38 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    You are more beautiful than music.

    Your face is like a poem

    And your eyes... heaven.


    posted by Harvey at 7:21:47 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    [click here for larger pic]

    After being rebuffed by the Bear, the League of Liberals attempted a different form of gratuitous link-whoring. While not resulting in any actual increase in site traffic, the effort was still hailed by all as a great success for having "good intentions".

    [Hat tip to Heather of Angelweave for pointing this one out to me.]


    posted by Harvey at 7:20:11 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Sunday, November 09, 2003


    Jed of Boots & Sabers informs me that there's a serial burglar loose in California. The police offer the following advice to potential victims:


    Police cautioned residents about trying to take matters into their own hands if they confronted the intruder in their house. Their advice was to keep doors and windows locked and call 911 -- not buy a gun and shoot the prowler.

    "If you lock your doors, you don't need weapons," Hood said.


    Coincidentally, Owen, the other half of Boots & Sabers, offers some pictures of "better advice" in a later post, without labeling it as such.

    Oh, and you'll want to click on that first link, too, because John of Argghhh! has the perfect response in the comments.


    posted by Harvey at 11:09:10 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    The Bartender was kind enough to e-mail me the results from sending "Bad Money" through the Internet Anagram server. Now, I don't like to put a lot of stock in random coincidences, but a few things became clearer after I perused the list, like:

    Why I'm not a hippie - NAY BE MOD

    Yet I'm still destined to convert to communism on my deathbed - MAO BY END

    Why I keep writing bad poetry - ODE BY MAN

    Why I'm so damned hairy all over - MANE BODY

    Why I spend so much time blogging to all hours of the night - DYNAMO BE

    My least favorite part of the marriage vows - DAMN OBEY

    Why that last crappy Matrix movie pissed me off so much - MAD BY NEO

    What effect all the charming women of the blogosphere have on me - MADE BONY

    Who should be on my list of "bloggers I'll never be funnier than" - MAYBE DON

    Why lousy days at work seem to last a LOT more than 8 hours - MY BAD EON

    How I was lured into blogging in the first place - BY A DEMON

    And, finally, why women find me so irresistable - AMEN BODY


    Can I get a hallelujah, ladies?


    posted by Harvey at 11:01:14 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    In addition to being the land of cheese, cows, beer, great football, and really crappy baseball, Wisconsin also has the honor of being home to some of the most unpronouncable and unspellable city names in existence.

    This is a feature, not a bug.

    Many states are jealous of this glittering jewel in the Dairy State's crown, but this no longer need be the case. Thanks to a link I found at Heather's place, now your state can also have city names that make people go, "uh, can you spell that, please?"

    Don't forget to click the first link so that you may enjoy my comment to her post, which simply drips with down-home-Wisconsin dialectical goodness.


    posted by Harvey at 10:23:30 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    ...oh, wait... here it is.

    I have no idea how Matt O'Blackfive gets ahold of this stuff, and he'd probably have to kill me if I found out, but while I'm still drawing breath, I'm gonna mention this memo he posted which contains some serious and thought-provoking observations on the situation in Iraq. I love this because it makes some points that I don't normally think of, but that once I hear them, make a lot of sense. I love reading stuff like that.


    1. An infantry battalion commander told me, “You can’t assume kindness will win their hearts. You’ve got to get in sync with the Arab male mentality – then they will respect you – tough but fair.

    2. From point 1 comes the need to balance “Dignity and Respect” with operating within the cultural norms. Do we compromise our values to operate within their value set as did Laurence of Arabia? At what point on the toughness scale does the new unit enter the fray? This is a really tough decision for the leadership of the new unit – and I do not think it should be left to subordinate leaders to make this determination.

    3. Units have got to have their game face on before they leave the operating base. Standards have got be impeccable. This means looking correct enough that no one who wants to live would dare attack you. Units that do not demonstrate this degree of professionalism will invite attacks. I went on an early morning raid with a mechanized unit. We looked as tough as tough could be. The operation went off without incident – every soldier looked ready for action all the time. As we returned, after daylight, we passed a logistics convoy. Soldiers were not postured with the same alertness as ours; some were out of uniform. Later on, we observed a lone vehicle drive by – the policy is three, two of which must have crew served weapons. Both the convoy and the lone vehicle were inviting attacks. In the train up for this mission, I would inflict kills every time on ill disciplined convoys and lone vehicles to make the “Game Face” point.


    There's lots more. It's a real eye-opener. Go read.


    posted by Harvey at 10:03:35 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Via the Beloved Wife, from the "forwarded a million times" file, here are some dumb answers to science questions, hopefully not written by your children:


    Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children.

    Q: Name the four seasons.

    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed?

    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour

    A: Keep it in the cow.

    Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

    A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. [Cripes! Did Frank J. write this? - Harv]

    Q: What are steroids?

    A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Q: What happens to your body as you age?

    A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

    A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

    A: Premature death.

    Q: What is artificial insemination?

    A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)

    A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

    Q: What is the fibula?

    A: A small lie.

    Q: What does "varicose" mean?

    A: Nearby.

    Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"

    A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

    Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'

    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


    I weep for America's future.


    posted by Harvey at 9:56:35 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    ...ah, what the hell. I'll take it. This via Matt O'Blackfive, a AP report on what those nasty, furry, surrender-monkeys were up to last year:


    French and Russian intermediaries "repeatedly assured Hussein during late 2002 and early this year that they would block a US-led war through delays and vetoes at the UN Security Council," the Post said Monday.


    Ok, so you already knew about or suspected this story. That's fine. But give Matty a visit, because he's got a link to a beautiful visual for you that makes it all better.


    posted by Harvey at 9:47:12 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Just when things have slowed down between the Axis & Alliance to the point where you'd almost think there was a cease-fire, Misguided Minioness Jen has to go and start trouble. This time she's posted some poorly photoshopped evidence and used it as justification to question Frank J.'s patriotism.

    Wily, cunning, and never to be trusted. She's like Catwoman to the Alliance's Batman.

    ... uh, excuse me a moment while I relish a mental image of Jen in a cat suit...



    posted by Harvey at 9:35:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    You are the hot air balloon. You are the one floating among the clouds with the world below, details insignificant, astounding beauty enveloping you. I am the one reaching for you with my feet well grounded. And, as I reach, when I touch you... For just that second, I loose the ground and fly. And the flight is worth the agony of reaching.

    [to which I added]

    (thanks for making me stretch from time to time :-)


    posted by Harvey at 7:19:36 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    After 12 beers, Matt O'Blackfive was struck by a brilliant idea around which to form a new political organization. However, after 24 more beers, he stuffed the dollar into a dancer's g-string and forgot it ever existed.

    [Note: per the Bartender's request, this picture is a gif instead of a jpg. Does this make it show up now, and are the others still missing?]


    posted by Harvey at 7:15:55 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    If you're a member of the Bear's Ecosystem, you need to check out the discussion that's going on at his main page. It seems that the League of Liberals has recently taken to passing around gratuituous linkage posts amongst its members in an effort to artificially inflate the Ecosystem rankings of certain liberal blogs. Blog welfare, as it were.

    I've been mulling this over for the last day or so, and I'm having trouble deciding if this is good, bad, or indifferent. Offhand, I'd say indifferent, with bad future prospects.

    Indifferent, because it doesn't physically hurt me, cost me money, ruin my reputation, or cut into my readership. No one is going to go, "yeah, I used to read Bad Money, but ever since he dropped down to Reptile, I stopped." The actions of the LoL won't take away my links or page views, so it doesn't really matter. My blog will be continue to be judged on its merit (such as it is).

    The downside to this activity will be a dilution of the value of the Ecosystem itself as a means of feedback on a blogger's overall performance. Currently, when I check Ecosystem ratings, I can get a feel for the relative popularity of my blog. It means something (although exactly what is debatable) to know that I'm ranked somewhere in the top 10%. But if the LoL link-whoring makes me fall into a lower bracket, does it mean that I've gotten worse or that they've gotten better? No. What it means it that some blogs have gained status that they haven't earned through the quality of their blogging alone, and as such, it dilutes the value of the higher realms. People will look at the rankings and go, "yeah, he's a mammal, but he's a liberal, so he probably just whored his way to the top." In this way, the corrosive effect is much like affirmative action. As an analogy, if a black man is attending a prestigious college, he may have gotten there by merit alone, but the existence of affirmative action programs casts a shadow of doubt on the notion. He may be an unqualified racial token. There's no way to know without further investigation.

    As I understand it, the goal of the LoL plan is to enhance the status of their members. But without power, status is unimportant. And in the blogosphere, power is site traffic. The ability to receive & deliver page views. The links the LoL are tossing about so freely have very little power to deliver actual traffic. And without driving page views, those links will do nothing to spread their message. If communication was their goal, they'd be better off taking the time they spend linking posts and using it to write compelling descriptions of why a single link should be clicked.

    Don't get me wrong. I'm all in favor of gratuitous linkage. It's a great way to tell a fellow blogger that you care and are thinking of him, even though you don't have time to write an entire essay on why this or that post should be visited. It's a warm and wonderful gift to be on the receiving end of. But what the LoL is doing is cold, calculating, and impersonal. There's no caring or personal affection involved. It's just a numbers game, and the bloggers they link are just pieces being moved about on a virtual gameboard. Tools to be used and cast aside as required. It's like the difference between being told "I love you" by an actor that you hired for the purpose, and hearing it from your wife who says it of her own free will because it's true.

    I'm hoping that what comes of this is that the Bear finds a way to meld site traffic stats into link stats by some sort of formula in order to more accurately measure a blog's relative strength. For example take a blog with 100 links & 300 hits per day. This would imply that, on average, each link drives 3 hits (I know there are a lot of sloppy assumptions in this example, please don't nit pick). Which further implies that each link comes with a strong endorsement of the linked post, probably due to the post's quality. Conversely, if you have a blog with 100 links and 50 hits per day, not every link is driving a hit, so... draw your own conclusions on how valuable those links really are.

    In the follow-up post at the Bear's site, the Bear goes into some detail about his opinion of this whole episode & what it might mean for the future of the ecosystem. In the comments a member of the LoL says that he'll no longer be using whore-posts. Whether you believe him is up to you. But in any event, it'll be interesting to see how this mess pans out.


    posted by Harvey at 7:02:22 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Blogless Brother Tom is a big Buffy fan, and possessed of a juvenile sense of humor. So when I was over at Madfish Willie's during Happy Hour, and saw the Buffy Swears link under the "Movie Madness" section, I thought to myself - I've gotta remember to send a link to Tom so he can check this out.

    Then it occurred to me that he's probably not the only juvenile delinquent I know that can type "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog", so I decided to post the link here. If your sense of humor is even remotely sophisticated, don't even bother.



    posted by Harvey at 9:08:21 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Saturday, November 08, 2003


    I was just browsing down my blog, checking for unread comments (I'm supposed to get them e-mailed, but that works intermittently, at best), and I found a trackback to my Bad Ass Rocker post. I was puzzled, since Joey (CTRL+F "spiderman")doesn't have trackback. Turns out to be Dana. And she wrote the sweetest little groupie fan-girl entry. Once again, this lady knows how to drive traffic.

    Then I scrolled up to see what else she'd been writing about lately. I must've clicked the wrong button on my mouse, because I wound up at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler:


    Fathead has opened his yawning trap yet again, and this time he's telling Southerners they "have to quit basing their votes on 'race, guns, God and gays.'"

    Now, I've known all along that Dean was an arrogant, conniving, two-faced, waffling bastard, but this one just takes the cake. Who is Dean to tell Southerners - or anybody, for that matter - what they 'have to' base their votes on? Look, asshole, you might not like what other people stand for, but you and your fellow Socio-crats haven't yet managed to turn this into a dictatorial socialist hellhole, so we can all damn well vote whatever we want! We can even be as wrong-headed about it as we want; each vote counts the same. Yeah, yeah, votes in electoral-vote-rich-states like New York count more than less populous states like Minnesota, but within a state, each resident's vote counts exactly the same.


    Scroll up some more... wait a second. That's not a rottweiler... THAT'S DANA! Has she taken over Misha's blog?

    No... wait... this is still Note-It Posts. Maybe Misha did a guest post... No, it clearly says, "scribbled by Dana".

    I have never seen this side of her before, and if that wrath were directed toward me, I'd never want to see it again. But since it's not, I'm just gonna kick back & enjoy this while it lasts.

    If there's anything more attractive than a blogging tigress, I don't know what it might be.


    posted by Harvey at 11:33:59 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Stephen J. King, of Quibbles & Bits, after surviving a brutal tennis-ball pummelling from an unknown source, finished writing his short story "A Thousand Tongues".

    Quite a ride. Here's how it was for me:

    Tongues? That's just silly. But it's J, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt & suspend disbelief for a little while until I see where he's going with it...

    "mouth meat"? Wait... is this supposed to be a comedy piece? This is really silly.

    Wait... this isn't funny anymore. Uh, J, this is starting to get really creepy and disturbing and kinda scary

    [ending] = shivering spine

    I'm hoping that all this drooling fan-boy stuff will get me an autographed copy of his first book. If not, at least for now I get to read his stuff for free. I'm gonna enjoy this ride while it lasts.



    posted by Harvey at 10:32:54 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Patrick McGoohan plays a man who resigns from a top secret position and is abducted from his London home. He finds himself in a beautiful village where everything is bright and cheerful - the people, their clothes, the buildings, the flowers. But despite this rosey exterior, the village serves a sinister purpose. People are forcibly brought there in order to have their valuable knowledge protected or extracted. Everyone in the Village is assigned a number instead of a name - the Prisoner is Number Six.

    -(from the Prisoner Appreciation web site)

    Why do I bring this up? Because the League of Liberals [current tagline: "all opinions are welcome as long as they're ours"] did exactly what I expected them to. After I pointed out that their previous logo made them look quite foolish, they took it down and replaced it with something different:

    Yeah, I'm sure those are supposed to be lens flares from some light source, but I thought they looked familiar. Just a coincidence, I'm sure.

    "everything is bright and cheerful... but... the village serves a sinister purpose"

    "It takes a village to raise a child"


    posted by Harvey at 10:20:19 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Wherever I am right now, I'd rather be standing behind you, kissing your neck.



    [NOTE: I actually wrote this one myself]

    posted by Harvey at 9:34:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Taking a look at the official League of Liberals "BS" toteboard, I see that, so far in the month of November, they've managed to make up 1,459,531 lies about the Bush administration.

    posted by Harvey at 9:29:38 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    When I was in 9th grade, we had this one English teacher who was 30-something, petite, well-shaped, shoulder-length, curly blonde hair, and single. She also had a habit of wearing dresses that allowed a tiny peek of cleavage in addition to plenty of leg. Very distracting. The only thing I ever really learned in that class was how to walk into and out of the room while holding my books in a manner that provided, *ahem* camoflage for my, uh, "interest" in the class.

    Which might go far toward explaining why I find this post from Susie so enthralling. The other part of it is the sheer joy of watching a rude little beastie of a comment troll get beaten about the head & shoulders by the rules of grammar. Which is only fair, since the stupid drooler ignored the rules of blog courtesy by crapping on someone else's living room carpet, polluting sweet Susie's bandwidth by making personal attacks on the hostess. I know Susie, she's a wonderful, kind, thoughtful, sweet (and well-endowed, but that's beside the point) person who will take the time to make reasoned arguments if you'd care to discuss a point rationally.

    But when you cross her, the lady-like lace gloves come off & the next thing you know, you're getting your grammar corrected. IN DETAIL. The justice is delightful. If you don't care enough to write a coherant sentence, don't expect a response that treats you as though you've made a coherant argument. The commenter deserved no respect, and Susie delivered same.


    Goodness, where do I begin?
    No Miss f.e.t.e i think its is you who has to get her head outa her huge crack, cuz that heads been there obviously for quiet some time.

    Rendered in proper English, this sentence should be: No, Miss F.E.T.E., I think it's you who has to get her head out of her huge crack, because that head's [obviously] been there for quite some time.

    Note that commas are used to set off the appositive, the personal pronoun is capitalized, the apostrophe is required to turn "its" from the possessive to "it's" the contraction of "it is", "outa" and "cuz" are not proper contractions, "heads" needs an apostrophe to become the contraction for "that head has" rather than the plural of "head" and, although I am sure it is relatively "quiet" in one's "huge crack", I suspect that "quite" was the intended modifier for "some time". The adverb "obviously" also needed to be shifted to its correct place in front of the words it is modifying.


    More available at the link.

    UPDATE (11-8-03 9:30pm): In an effort to be named the official "Teacher's Pet" of Practical Penumbra, I took the liberty of grading the paper (280k jpg). Please make me stay after school, Susie...


    posted by Harvey at 8:48:32 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Proving once again that he deserves his spot on my list of "bloggers I'll never be funnier than", Don of Anger Management continues the saga of the future history of his life. Sure, there's 5 parts, but part 2 is as good a place to start as any. Besides, I need an excuse to have these words on my blog, since I'll never come up with anything this good on my own:


    I looked at Helen in disbelief. “You’re pregnant?”

    “No Don. I said you never listen.”


    Drink alert when headed to Don's place is implicit.


    posted by Harvey at 7:40:11 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Sometimes, when you're randomly surfing, you come across things that are complete wastes of your time. Trouble is, you can never get those minutes back. So what do you do? Give that time-waster a good blogging. That'll fix 'em.

    Plus, it's entertaining for the rest of us. Brian Noggle came across the Depression Risk Quiz (look down the list a bit for the link), and takes it apart frame by frame, handling questions such as:


    1. I feel sad most of the time

    Most of the time? No one told me this was going to be a math test.

    Let's see, I spend a third of my time sleeping, so that means if I spend half my waking time sad, that's only 33% and not most. Let's see, I spend 14% of my waking time angry at the crazy other drivers, and 32% furious at thoughtless cretins in the government or who want to get into the government who would dictate my life better than I do, 10% in alcohol-fueled mellowness, 2% in alcohol-fueled blackouts (wherein I could be sad, to be honest, but this is only 2% against the total), and 18.5% of the time in vague meloncholy (is that sadness? What are the parameters for sad?).

    Is that 100% of the, just put down No and then click Submit. Interesting button choice. Submit!

    ...3 I sleep too little or too much

    That about covers my life. Sometimes, I stay up until midnight writing even though I get up at five to go to work, and then when I am on vacation, it's arise at ten, nap from noon until one, nap from five till six, and then go to bed at one or two. The Good Life.

    Kinda funny that if I don't get exactly the right amount of sleep might be a sign of depression. Might also be a sign of ambition or a life.

    At any rate, I must click Yes.


    My favorite is question 5. I really can't believe that one's on there.


    posted by Harvey at 7:35:17 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Rachel Corrie was an American hippy Palestinian terrorist sympathizer. During some stupid protest or another in, what? Gaza? I forget. Anyway, she stood in front of a bulldozer to prove her point. The bulldozer kept coming and proved its point - don't stand in front of bulldozers unless you're a bigger bulldozer. A little chlorine for the gene pool. Everyone's happy, right?

    Apparently not. Sombody was so sad that they wrote a tear-jerking song about her. Boo-hoo-hoo.

    The Emperor re-wrote it.


    The Death of Rachel Corrie
    David Rovics

    When she sat down in the dirt
    In front of your machine

    "I gunned my engine 'till it hurt,
    And charged into the ravine."

    A lovely woman dressed in red
    You in military green

    "A loony bint soon to be dead,
    'Neath the treads of my machine."

    If you had met her in Jerusalem
    You might have asked her on a date

    "And then we'd both have been blown up,
    By her friends and their perverted hate."


    Drink alert in effect.

    And speaking of which, Rachel inspired another song that I learned about from the Emperor, this one to the tune of the Beatles' "Come Together":


    Come Together

    Here come old dozer he come grooving up slowly
    He got joo-joo eyeball he one big bulldozer
    She got hair down to her knee
    Got to be a joker she just do what she please

    He take no bullshit he got armor sidewall
    He got throttle lever he crush dumb protestor
    He say "I know you, you bisquick"
    One thing I can tell you is you goin’ to be goo
    Caterpillar, right now, over me


    I left 2 more stanzas for you back at Misha's Palace. Plus the bonus track of the "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" re-mix.


    posted by Harvey at 4:19:49 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I don't ride motorcycles. I don't even like motorcycles. But I want the one American Digest is showing off, just because it's got that stupidly-dangerous look to it.


    posted by Harvey at 4:07:05 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Frizzen Sparks already completed his new Filthy Lie assignment for the Alliance. You don't even want to have fluids in the same room with you when you read his personals ad for Evil Glenn.

    I just couldn't wait until Friday to share.


    posted by Harvey at 3:15:55 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    ...for introducing me to Dismount. Geez, there's 2 hours of my life I won't get back.

    88,000 though. Mheh.

    posted by Harvey at 3:07:54 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    ...and the only thing I hate more than a commie is commie-sympathizers who try to make communism sexy, I will now direct you to look at a picture at American Digest that mocks the unmockable commie saint Che Guevera.

    Vanderleun, you're the best.


    posted by Harvey at 11:53:06 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Picture is over at Wizbang for his weekly caption contest. I can't describe it. It's a visual.

    And the captions are a hoot, so check the comments there.


    posted by Harvey at 11:45:20 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Simon of Simon World has his interview up at Deep Cover Agent, Code Name: Jen's place. He's an Australian living in Hong Kong and.... well, actually, that's his biggest bragging point, but at least he knows how to answer interview questions:


    Translate the following into Chinese: I would gladly pay you Tuesday, for a hamburger today.

    The quesiton shows an appalling lack of understanding. There is no one Chinese language. There are many dialects, with Mandarin the main language, but Cantonese the language of Hong Kong and the one I am grappling with. Neverthless, I will try to translate:

    "Hey, Giles, it's your shout for lunch, McDonald's is across the road."


    What was your favorite childhood toy?

    My little brother. He bounced. He rolled. He lost a lot. But somehow he learnt how to talk and fight back. I still can't get the store to take him back.


    Beloved Wife, time for you to hit this man up for Australia info.


    posted by Harvey at 11:40:27 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    ... has a top ten list of the top 10 books on the DNC reading list. My 2 favorites that I'm putting on my Christmas list this year are:


     I Don't Have a Prayer, by Dennis Kucinich

    The Really Complete History of America, Including the Years I Spent in Vietnam, by John Kerry


    Although you might prefer one of the other 8, so you should probably check the list out yourself.


    posted by Harvey at 10:47:31 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Susie's cat has a tendency to sprawl out on the floor directly behind her, acting as a four-legged & fuzzy booby trap for when she turns around (I recommend you go there, because her description of the visual is quite smile-worthy). She asks whether the cat does this because he's a stealth ninja assassin, or because he's got a quirky sense of humor.

    Personally, I'm going with the "he thinks it's funny" answer. Mostly because my horse-dog, Jake, does the same thing to my wife all the time. I love Jake dearly, but he's just WAY too stupid & clumsy to be a ninja.

    Besides, doesn't this really sound like the sort of practical joke that a man would find endlessly amusing?


    posted by Harvey at 10:32:56 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Friday, November 07, 2003


    In an effort to get Evil Glenn a girlfriend so he can do something besides blog every 5 minutes, 24 hours a day, the new assignment:

    Write a personals ad for Glenn Reynolds.

    is available for doing. Much like Evil Glenn himself.


    posted by Harvey at 11:24:31 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    The Ode to Glenn Reynolds poetry round-up has some of the best writing I've ever seen. I'm offering some tiny samplings of my particular favorites, but I strongly urge you to check the whole collection in addition to reading the full version of these:



    'Tis seldom that mere mortal man,
    enrobed in blurple ermine
    does drink as often as he can
    a cup of blended vermin.




    If only I
    could summon nimble
    words to pluck away thyne pups
    before you siphon vitals from their wares.

    A listless sigh escapes its
    sound. It queries not a dogged
    paw - a fading yelp.

    Clouded sky erupts!
    A lightning bolt askew
    might frighten off a gnu
    and separate your pup from you
    (and leave you shaking sad and blue)
    So true. So...true.

    Still now. The blender whirs its final sound.
    A rapture grasp'd in canine breath.
    Escapes his sure intended death.

    Physics Geek


    A puppy a day
    Never seems enough.
    Oh, how I love the taste of Greyhounds;
    Dachsunds are good, too.
    Every canine has it benefits.
    Two or three species are filling.
    Others just taste good.
    German Shepherds induce flatulence;
    Labradors cause indigestion.
    Each dog is a meal.
    No dinner is complete without one.
    No more puppy shakes?
    Really, you can't be serious.
    Eggs work for some people.
    You might be one of them.
    Not for me, though.
    One dog a day is enough.
    Large dogs or small ones.
    Doesn't really matter.
    Sipping is my life.


    I left you more at the links. Be sure to check it out.


    posted by Harvey at 11:19:18 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    So Joey, of Single White Male, has a new question up. Apparently he was entirely unamused by my pathetic offering to his last contest. Undaunted, I shall try again.

    This week's question is (Nov 3, CTRL+F "strangelove"):


    You're at a local garage sale when you pick up a six-string guitar. You've never played before, but you bust out and you are amazing. You immediatley gather some kids from the community college to be a back-up band for you. What's your band called? What kind of music do you play? And, finally, what's your big hit?

    Sunday, midnight AZ time. Best answer gets a dollar.


    My band is called Filthy Lucre, and I'm letting Joey be front man at the mike, because chicks dig long-haired dudes with bad shaves more than graying father-figures with conservative hair-cuts. We do mostly 80's hair-band sounding stuff, somewhere between Cinderella & Motley Crue, soundwise. Oddly enough our big hit, "Socialism Sucks" (Nov 4, CTRL+F "explicit") which is based on a true story from Joey's school days, is a blatant rip-off of the rhythm & melody from the Beastie Boys' song "Fight for Your Right to Party", but we changed the lyrics enough to keep from getting sued:


    I love my school, I really, really do
    I get an education and a little pussy, too
    But then I went down to get myself a pop
    The health Nazis said, "Joey, you gotta stop!"

    "Carbonated beverages ain't the way to go"
    "They're not good for you, so we say NO!"
    I looked them in the eyes and I said "You're full of shit!"
    "I need some caffeine, and I ain't gonna quit!"


    The government thinks they can tell me what to do
    But I'm the Single White Male, so I tell 'em "Screw you!"
    No socialist bastards are gonna run my life
    So I kicked 'em in the crotches and I cut 'em with my knife.

    (Repeat Chorus)

    I'm not a violent person, but I'll tell you this
    I'm a real straight shooter and I never, ever miss
    You can take my Mountain Dew if you think you're a man
    Only if you pry it from my cold, dead hand.

    (Repeat Chorus twice)


    We'll be at the Cricket Pavilion in Phoenix on December 6th. See ya there!


    posted by Harvey at 11:00:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Granted, I'm no longer the charming, inebriated sailor I used to be, but I still enjoy a good drinking game now and then. Via COTV #59, I found out Red Ted Keeps A Diary that the tradition of making toasts used to be a sort of drinking game:


    Basically, toasting involves going around the table, having each person propose a toast, and everyone drinking agreement to the sentiment. You fill the glasses. The first person proclaims a toast: "The Union, may it ever be preserved!" All drink. The glasses are refilled. The second person proclaims a toast: "The ladies, may they ever be beautiful!" All drink. The glasses are refilled. And so it goes, around the table or around the room. That first example is a Jackson quote, the second is something you might hear in a tavern.


    I found this both enlightening and intriguing. I may try this out with the Corner of the Bar Gang. I think I owe Matty O'Blackfive a good drunkfest to make up for that O'Doul's prank, anyway. If I don't do something soon, he'll probably sustain another head injury from beating his skull against the wall, trying to rid himself of that horrid taste.

    First, though, a question for the Bartender:

    Why the hell didn't I learn about this from YOU, Mr. "Beer Fart"?

    Ah, screw it. Here's my toast.

    "To the Corner of the Bar Babes: May they stay forever young, beautiful, and stacked like a Las Vegas poker deck!"

    Drink up gents! Matty, I believe the next one is yours...


    posted by Harvey at 10:13:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    ... is up at Kevin's place. My favorite would be Dogs and Global Warming at Useful Fools. It's a short, 30-second read, which makes a single point and makes it very well. Excerpting it is pointless, because the enjoyment lies in reading it in its entirety.

    So enjoy.


    posted by Harvey at 9:31:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Gotta be "No Offense" from Semi-Intelligent Thoughts. A cogent & lucid analysis of what political correctness means in practice. The money quote:


    Political correctness is supposed to keep people from being offended, but what if this offends people? Why is nobody complaining that the students in this article may feel alienated because they can't express their beliefs? They're being stigmatized, which is supposedly wrong. The only way to keep people from being offended is to outlaw all expression of opinion.


    PC in a nutshell: "All beliefs may be questioned except the belief that all beliefs may be questioned."


    posted by Harvey at 9:09:33 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    HUNTING OF THE SNARK #12... up at Misguided Minioness Venomous Kate's place, and it's just full of nasty, nattering goodness (or badness, as the case may be). My pick o' the litter is this drink-alerted precious nugget from Newmanisms. Here's a sample:


    But alas, I almost want CBS to run the [lying bio of Ronald Reagan] "drama" so the GOP can sponsor a "drama" about Streisand. I have it all planned out:

    Streisand will be played by this person and Streisand's nose will be played by Michael Moore. Streisand's husband, James Brolin, will be played by a retarded monkey.

    I have part of the script right here:

    Barbara Streisand: Hey, look at me. I'm important because people think I sing good and my nose has the girth of small solar system.

    Barbara's Nose: Hey! Woman! I am not fat! I am slightly rotund.

    Barbara: No, that was not my nose talking. That was simply...swamp gas.

    Nose: I'll show you some gas...

    Barbara: I shall now sing good.

    Nose: God help us all. My flatulence has better tone quality.


    Go read the rest, but for the love of God, swallow first.


    posted by Harvey at 9:00:48 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    I only wish to be the fountain of love from which you drink, every drop promising eternal passion.


    posted by Harvey at 8:50:48 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    The graffiti currency equivalent of blogger link-whoring.


    posted by Harvey at 8:48:33 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Thursday, November 06, 2003



    From the "forwarded a million times" file, these little bites o' wisdom come to me from my Beloved Wife:



    As I've Matured...



        I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.


        I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.


        I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jack asses.


        I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.


        I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.


        I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


        I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.


        I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.


        I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.


        I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.


        I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


        I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.


        I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.


        I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


        I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.


        I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.    


        I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are  permanent.



    posted by Harvey at 11:16:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    A TO Z


    I saw this at Lynn's place and, since I don't post NEARLY enough self-absorbed blather here, I thought I'd take a crack at:




    A-ACTOR: As a person and President, I'd go with Ronald Reagan, because I remember the misery of the Carter presidency all too well (I had a paper route at the time & read the headlines daily). Ronnie brought hope to a weary nation.


    For the roles he played, I'll pick Clint Eastwood. Mostly for the squinched-up, disgusted face he makes in the Dirty Harry movies whenever another character makes a retardedly politically-correct comment.


    B-BOYHOOD IDOL: Kermit the Frog. No, seriously. He gets frustrated a lot, but he never gives up, and always comes out ok in the end. WWKD?


    C-CHORE YOU HATE: Brush, flush, brush, flush... hmmm... still got that hard water ring... Damn!


    D-DAD'S NAME: Allen Richard Olson to the world. "Dad" to 8 of the 9 who loved him best.


    E-ESSENTIAL VIDEO IN COLLECTION: The Princess Bride - most quotable movie ever. "You're surrendering to me? Very well, then. I accept." Heh.


    F-FAVE ACTRESS: Sandra Bullock. Love that smile.


    G-GOLD OR SILVER: Silver. I just never cared for that gaudy yellow color. Even our wedding jewelry is all white gold.


    H-HOMETOWN: Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin. A great place to live if you have children, because it's so boring that they'll want to move out of the house as soon as they're 18.


    I-INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY: 2 years of violin, 4 years of cello. I couldn't play a note on either anymore, but it did teach me to appreciate classical music - and the Beatles' song "Yesterday", which is one of the few tunes where the cellos actually played the main melody.


    J-JOB TITLE: Bank Teller, most days. Kick This Peon on occasional Saturdays.


    K-KIDS: No thanks. Dogs & cats create enough havoc in my life. If I feel a paternal urge coming on, I've got plenty of nieces & nephews to borrow until the feeling goes away.


    L-LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: Me, the Mrs., a house in the city, and a big, grumpy mortgage to pay off.


    M-MOM'S NAME: Harriet Hazel Olson (formerly Wright). "Mom" to her numerous progeny.


    N-# OF PEOPLE YOU'VE SLEPT WITH: Pleading 5th Amendment on this one


    O-OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAYS: I got hit by a car at age 6. They were worried about a possible concussion, but all I got out of it was a huge bruise on my leg.


    P-PHOBIA: When I was younger, it was heights & the dark. Now, it's dropping in the Ecosystem rankings. I'm not sure what that makes me. De-evoluphobic, maybe?


    Q-QUOTE YOU LIKE: Andrew Carnegie once said, "The gods send thread for the web begun." Basically, get off your ass & start somewhere instead of waiting for the perfect time.


    R-RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION: None of the above


    S-SIBLINGS: 6 brothers, 1 sister


    T-TIME YOU WAKE UP: I get out of bed about 6am. Actual waking up takes place around noon.


    U-UNIQUE HABIT: mocking defaced currency


    V-VEGETABLE YOU REFUSE TO EAT: I had a bad experience with okra once, but that was probably a preparation issue. Aside from that, I consider brussel sprouts to be Satan's testicles. Most veggies are palatable with enough butter & salt. These things might be useful for juggling, but that's about it.


    W-WORST HABIT: blogging until after midnight when I have to be up at 6am.


    X-X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: head, after that car accident, right arm after fracturing it during a 4-foot fall, and enough dentals to cause my teeth to evolve into new life forms. Maybe that's where all the little voices in my head are coming from?


    Y-YUMMY FOOD YOU MAKE: I've been known to make Hot Sloppy Wife on occasion. That's about the yummiest thing I know.


    Z-ZODIAC SIGN: Virgo. Wait... that's not funny... damn... how about...


    Z-ZIPPERS I'VE CAUGHT MYSELF IN: 1  - I don't want to talk about it, but if you're cute, I'll show you my scar...


    posted by Harvey at 11:09:16 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    (brought to you by Bad Money)

    1) I thought J was just making this up & I thought it was cute. Then I found out that yes, a bunch of talentless Hollywood hacks REALLY ARE going to try to bring peace to the Middle East. J. works the topic over a bit:


    Crowds of people poured from the houses and side streets as the couple stepped onto the sidewalk. Brad put up his hands to quiet the milling throng.

    “We have come from a distant land to bring you the gift of peace,” he proclaimed, stepping onto the hood of the limo. He pulled Jennifer up to join him.

    “Yes, bring you peace!” she shouted.

    “We’d rather see her boobs!” shouted an onlooker.

    “Quiet in back!” Brad answered. “Prepare to receive peace!”

    He raised his left hand towards Jennifer. She raised her left hand and they clicked wedding rings together.

    “Beauty Twin Powers, Activate!” they chanted in unison.

    “Form of a Sex Goddess!” Jennifer declared.

    “Shape of a He-Man!” Brad replied.


    2) J is a nasty bastard who cruelly taunts his readers by weaving yet another macabre, Clive Barker-ish tale, and then just leaving it hang. I will pummel him with tennis balls until he posts the rest. Here's the opening:


    It was a little after six in the morning, about a third of the way into his morning run, when John Jacobs saw the first tongue. It was lying beside the road, a damp, red welt of meat twisting and writhing on the cool morning pavement. The stump was still bloody and the twitching of the living meat scraped against the asphalt.

    At first he thought it was just a dying squirrel or some other poor animal that would later toast into an odoriferous oblivion in the summer heat, but when he saw it had no fur, he stopped. He thought it might be an animal tongue at first, but the size of the tongue and the silvery barbell piercing it told him otherwise.


    Dana, I think you can read this one. No babies involved. Everyone else, grab a tennis ball and come threaten J with me.

    3) Ok, my blogless brother Tom is gonna be here any minute for a night of guy stuff (drinking, belching, farting, talking smack about our wives in hushed tones, so I don't have time to finish reading the whole Kim Jong Il in the Afterlife piece before I have to go. So I'm recommending it on reputation right now, and with the assurance that J has NEVER written a bad one of these. Hell, I already found a chuckling point within the first screen:


    L'il Kim Goes on a Trip

    "Ah, I shall soon see my father," Kim Jong Il thought as he floated through the ether. He knew he had died. He had even managed to hover around for the glorious State Funeral. Now he was moving onward from the terrestrial world to his Father's glorious world. He felt that new world congeal around him, and he settled gently into the comfortable chair that appeared beneath him, centered in a grassy field.

    "Father!" he said to the figure that appeared, back to him, vision turned to a far distant future. Kim Jong Il could not see his face, but who else could this imposing figure be? Naturally, Kim Il Sung would take a more impressive form in the Afterlife. The imposing figure turned to face Kim Jong Il.

    “Hell, Jong,” the figure said. Kim Jong Il gasped in surprise. This was not his father. The figure was tall, over ten feet, with a flowing white beard and long white robes. Age and wisdom traced his beautiful face. He spoke again.

    “Do you know who I am?” he asked Kim Jong Il.

    “Gandalf?” Kim Jong Il asked incredulously.



    Now go read the rest. I'll catch up with you later.

    UPDATE 11-6-03 11PM: Finished now. Yeah, just as good as I thought it would be. Here's another bite:


    “Father, it is so good to know that you control the afterlife as well as Korea,” the son said, finally releasing his father.

    “Well, my son, I have worked long and hard to achieve this celestial status,” the old man said, gently nudging his enthusiastic son to an arm’s length away. “There is one thing you should know, Jong,” the old man continued.

    “Yes, father?” the younger Kim asked, anticipating the wisdom coming from his revered father, “What is it I should know?”

    “That I’m just fucking with you, you commie bastard,” the old man said as his face and form shifted, the van dyke re-appearing, the dapper gray suit returning, and sly wisdom creasing the old man’s brow. He smiled. Kim Jong Il gasped in surprise.


    And the payoff? Mheh. Sweeeet.


    posted by Harvey at 7:39:32 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Those rascals at BigStick.US continue their delightful saga of America's invasion of Canada here in part 3. My favorite line? Hard to choose, but I like this section in particular:


    Sam was career military. He had done two tours in Iraq, one in Liberia, and another training troops in Germany before this year's pull-out. There were a lot of good times in Germany, but there were a fair amount of bad ones too. He always used to tell his kids, "When the United States won World War 2, I think we were a little too successful. We seem to have beaten the Germans so bad that they turned into peacenik hippies. After all, this is the longest time in thousands of years the Germans haven't invaded someone. We beat the fight right out of them."


    Links to part 1 & part 2 are available at the beginning of part 3. Ya know, ya REALLY need to get over there and start reading now, because you're gonna be hearing about this thing all over the place later, and you'll wonder what you're missing, and by then it'll have cracked a 1.5 on the Bill Whittle scale, and you'll have to take a day off from work just to catch up. Go get started while you can still cram it all in during halftime.


    posted by Harvey at 7:17:35 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Jim of Snooze Button Dreams has his interview up at Jen's place. Best part for me was learning new ways to annoy my wife:


    When you feel like annoying your wife on purpose, how do you do it?

    How do I annoy thee? Let me count the ways. One. Two. Three. Yup, there are three different ways that I annoy Lovely Wife. The first is tickling. She's horribly, horribly ticklish. I'll sneak in "accidental" tickles during backrubs and other modes of fondling until she figures out that they aren't accidental. Then I usually get a finger in the ribs. The second is finishing her sentences for her. This usually starts out unintentionally until I realize that I'm doing it. When I do, I start finishing her sentences with nonsense. "Don't forget that tomorrow is..." "...blow job day? I know, I know." Third is cracking jokes when she wants to talk in a serious manner. This is naturally dangerous territory as I am afflicted with incurable whimsy and Lovely Wife has what is generally referred to as a "normal" temperment. The key, of course, is stopping in time before annoyance at my flippancy turns to fury. I have mixed results there.


    Lotsa more goodies at the Minioness' lair. Go see.


    posted by Harvey at 7:10:01 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    ...for not pimping Susie's upcoming interview as hard as he pimped Susie's boobie pictures. The sweetest woman in the blogosphere is being interviewed by Jen Lars. You still have until midnight tonight to submit your questions. Ask about her pink. Ask about men in kilts. Ask about her large fonts. Ask her whether size matters. Ask her how she got so sweet. Ask her SOMETHING! NOW! QUICK! Before it's too late.

    Then send it off to jenlars at

    Are you still here? GO!!!!!!!!!!!!


    posted by Harvey at 7:06:24 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Love is like swallowing hot chocolate before it has cooled off. It takes you by surprise at first, but keeps you warm for a long time.


    posted by Harvey at 6:55:39 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    In an alternate universe, in the year 2020, America honored its greatest president: Michael Dukakis.


    posted by Harvey at 6:53:53 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    If I gave you flowers as often as I thought of you, the world would be covered in roses.


    posted by Harvey at 7:45:55 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    A filthy lie about Evil Glenn from someone besides me

    More on Anger Managing Don's Blogger Survivor

    The results of the quest for the perfect League of Liberals tagline are up, including some not half bad efforts from the LoL themselves

    A new Precision Guided Humor assignment - write a motto for the UN

    and, please, if you do visit the LoL site and leave comments, remember that you're in their living room. Be polite, no trolling. The place for invective is your own blog. Never be rude on someone else's bandwidth.


    posted by Harvey at 7:41:02 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Wednesday, November 05, 2003




    A darkened cave, an icy throne

    The Instapundit sits alone

    Murdered hobos at his feet

    Blender full of doggie meat


    Penguin porn, assorted, sits

    Within the reach of outstretched mitts

    In passions throes, he writhes and twitches

    “Love to make them birds my bitches!”


    Sated now, his monkey spanked,

    His demons quelled, and Satan thanked

    Toward blogosphere he turns his eyes

    Which open wide in shocked surprise


    Bear has changed the blog food chain

    And Glenn on top does NOT remain

    No more multi-counted links

    So Instapundit’s rating sinks


    “Once more a microbe!” Glenn does cry,

    “How could this happen? Why, oh why?”

    “My Instalanches have no power”

    “weaker I grow now by the hour”


    “I can no longer blogs oppress”

    “And I can’t LIVE with this distress”

    So finding then a sharpened knife

    Despondent Glenn does take his life


    Many miles away from there

    Happy laughter fills the air

    Free blogs frolic in the sun

    Alliance tasks, at last, are done


    Money blogger smirks and sits

    Vict’ry caused by his geeky wits

    Since Glenn is gone, he’ll never guess

    The final blow was my DDoS



    posted by Harvey at 10:59:23 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Since the Bear changed the rules a bit so that each blog-to-blog link is only counted once, I'm going to change my gratuitous linkage policy. So, from now on, when I drop a blogger's name, like say, Dana's, for no reason, and that blogger is already on my blogroll, the gratuitous link will be to a short post that is good, but not urgent enough for me to blog about in a separate post. That way my readers get something quick and fun, and the blogger in question gets a link that helps his/her evolutionary struggle.


    posted by Harvey at 10:35:44 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    [El propósito de mi vida es triunfan] (translation via Beloved Wife and Babelfish: "the purpose of my life is to prevail")

    After his humiliating defeat in the California recall election, sales of Cruz Bustamante's "Magic MeCHA Dollar" plummeted rapidly.

    (Hat tip to Heather of Angelweave for finding this bill for me)(oh, and the link is gratuitous, but the short post it links to is worth reading. Just trying to game the new Ecosystem rules, here :-)


    posted by Harvey at 10:27:49 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    When there's more hair in your ponytail than above it - CUT IT OFF!

    Geez, ya look like Riff-Raff.


    posted by Harvey at 5:33:10 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    The Bartender is now going to be running a "tips, tricks & tweaks" section at HQ to help you spiff up your blog & draw in a little more traffic. The first tip is intriguing. I think I'll be playing in that one.

    Also, remember your Precision Guided Humor Assignment to write a witty tagline for the League of Liberals blog is due by 6pm today.


    posted by Harvey at 7:24:54 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Tuesday, November 04, 2003


    Via COTV 58 (last week's), here's why the poor are poor: because they make DUMB DECISIONS!


    So what were my tenants like? Foolish. Few if any, for instance, were keen shoppers. Almost all would buy a lot of their food and other requirements from nearby service stations and “convenience” stores even though prices there were up to 50% higher than at the supermarket only a short walk further down the road. If that does not tell you that a lot of poverty is self-inflicted, I do not know what would.

    And dishonesty and criminality were rife among them. They were always stealing from one-another. Anybody who had anything of value in his room was very unwise to walk out of his room without locking the door behind him. They WERE often unwise of course so there was an awful lot of “lost” money and property among them. If that does not tell you that poverty is closely associated with moral breakdown, I do not know what would.

    And despite the fact that all of them lived entirely from welfare payment to welfare payment, all of them could afford to drink (alcohol) and smoke. On “payday”, there was a regular parade of cardboard boxes of “Fruity Lexia” (a cheap but pleasant Australian white wine) into the premises. If that does not tell you that they were not really poor I do not know what would.


    I've lived in low-income housing, (courtesy of the US Navy) and I can tell you from observing my neighbors first-hand, it's all too true.

    Read the whole thing.


    posted by Harvey at 11:27:45 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Just some damn fascinating science-related pictures that have more artistic qualities about them than almost anything that normally gets labelled "art" by the snooty folk.

    (big hat tip to Lynn of Reflections in d minor for the link, and there's more picturey stuff in her post)


    posted by Harvey at 11:21:29 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I've heard the phrase "loose cannon" dozens of times, but I never really understood what it meant until a few years ago. I always assumed that the "loose" part meant "easily fired".

    Then I read one of Victor Hugo's more obscure novels, a historical piece set during the latter stages of the French revolution, "Ninety-Three", and found out why a loose cannon is a bad thing.

    On old naval vessels, the cannons, large heavy things, probably 500-1000 pounds, are mounted on wheels so you can move them from one side of the ship to another, as the battle requires. And they're tied in place. If a cannon breaks it's ties, you now have a 1000-pound iron object rolling freely around the munitions area, smashing and breaking people and things. It moves randomly with the tossing of the ship, it's far too heavy for any one man to contain, and if it hits you, you will be dead or injured, no exceptions. That is a loose cannon.

    In the story, there is a brilliantly described sequence in which the ship's Master-at-Arms does battle with a loose cannon, eventually succeeding in re-securing it and saving the ship. For his heroism, he is given a medal.

    He is then shot, because it's the Master-at-Arms duty to ensure that cannons don't get loose in the first place.

    Matt O'Blackfive has been discussing the case of Colonel West recently:


    There has been a lot bandied about LTC Allen B. West this week. He admitted to having two sergeants rough up an Iraqi policeman who was working for terrorists. Then, when physical coercion didn’t work, LTC West took matters into his own hands. He used his sidearm – once firing at a container and another time in some other direction – in order to influence the bad guy. After the incident, LTC West reported himself to his superiors for violating the Uniform Code of Military Justice. He violated it because he threatened a prisoner – something both proscribed by the UCMJ and the Geneva Convention. This is all according to LTC West. The Army has not released any other details.


    Matt takes the position [grossly oversimplified here] that, although West did protect his men, he still violated regulations, and needs to be punished.

    Misha, [also a veteran, remember] on the other hand, says [also oversimplified]: hey, it's war. He protected his men, and the hell with the Islamoscum that got roughed up. Protecting American lives takes precedence, first, last and always. Let West go.

    Me [also, also a veteran] am completely torn in half on the issue. So I'll take the Victor Hugo approach. First, give that man the Congressional Medal of Honor for saving the lives of his men. THEN punish him as a court-martial may direct for violating his orders.

    If you see a contradiction here, then you're not familiar with the military.


    posted by Harvey at 11:15:56 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    In the past, I've been accused of using "big words". Once by a niece, who wasn't exceptionally bright anyway, and once by someone who had enjoyed a snarky piece I wrote for the college paper, but was concerned that, because I used so many "big words", a lot of people might not understand me. My response was the same in both cases: a blank look. Yes, I occasionally go nuts with the polysyllabics, but it's not because I'm some kind of egotistical freak who gets off on flaunting his vocabulary (quiet, you!). I use the "big words" because there are specific, subtle, nuanced, conceptual tones that I wish to communicate [translation: "they say what I wanna say"]. If you don't understand what I'm saying, grab a damn dictionary & edumacate yourself. That's where I picked the stuff up at. I can't count the number of times I've had a Stephen King novel in one hand and a dictionary in the other out of sheer necessity. The right word makes the story better, and good writers use the right words, regardless.

    Lynn, over at Reflections in d minor, has a son with a similar problem, and I find her discussion of the matter to be engaging and thought provoking:


    The thing is though, my son does sometimes toss around obscure words. He reads a lot of sci-fi (a lot of Larry Niven) and a lot of non-fiction science related stuff. He's proud of his vocabulary like a weight-lifter is proud of how much he can bench press. And why not? Are we supposed to keep secret our knowledge of some words because we might run into someone who is unfamiliar with them? And how are we supposed to know which of the words we are comfortable using might be obscure to someone else?

    There's an old saying, "If you've got it, flaunt it." I'm afraid most people wouldn't consider that good advice. Flaunting what you've got is supposed to be a bad thing but, at least when it comes to vocabulary, I disagree. I don't have a huge vocabulary and I'm not going to reduce it further because I might know a word or two that some other people don't know.


    So if you've ever been accused of using "big words" stop by Lynn's place...

    ...and pick up a few more to confuse people with. Mheh.


    posted by Harvey at 10:48:02 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    HOT & NASTY!

    Kevin's got a filthy, sexually themed Bonfire going this week. And it's every bit as thrilling as seeing your grandmother naked


    My "Dear God, NO!" pick of the week would have to be this bit of whoring that makes a Philippino hooker on aircraft-carrier-duty look like a nun in solitary confinement. This blogger has NO FREAKING SHAME!


    posted by Harvey at 10:27:57 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []




    I was reading the Wisconsin State Journal recently, and my attention was drawn to a bit in the opinion section, calling for increased state regulation of pet breeders. Now, I'm a libertarian at heart, and I believe in regulation by reputation, rather than by legislation, so I disagreed with the premise of the piece. However, there was one sentence that caught my eye:


    "They found more than 100 dogs living in their own feces, in cages intended for animals the size of a rabbit, unable to walk because their feet were deformed by the wire floors of their pens."


    "Glenn! You bastard!" I thought to myself, and dialed his number.




    Evil Glenn: I will crush you all like BUGS! I rule the blogosphere from my dank imperial cavern and none shall escape my foul clutches! You are doomed! DOOMED! I am your Lord and Master! Bow down before me! BWAHAHAHA!... then leave a message at the beep.



    Harv: Damn you, Reynolds! I know what you've been doing! Blending isn't enough for you, is it? Now it's on to crippling & torture, isn't it? You cruel, heartless, subhuman degenerate!


    Evil Glenn: That's lawyer to you, currency-freak. Sorry I couldn't get to the phone, but that damn hobo wouldn't stop squirming. What's your major malfunction this time?


    Harv: I read all about your nefarious activities in the Wisconsin State Journal. You've got a lot to answer for, you brutal, savage...


    Evil: Yo! Ease up, money-molester. I haven't set foot in your sorry state since the tiddlywink tournament. Heh. Naked Helen Thomas. Indeed!


    Harv: EWWWW! Don't remind me. But that's beside the point. It says right here in the paper that everyone who attended the hearing on the proposed pet-dealer licensing law was in favor of it... with ONE exception. Gee... I wonder who that could be?


    Evil Glenn: Wasn't me, crappy-cash-collector. Get yourself another scapegoat.


    Harv: Cut the bullshit! Who else would be against saving puppies?


    Evil Glenn: Well, you just got done saying YOU were against it. Geez! Don't you even read your own blog?


    Harv: Not very often. It's kinda dull & repetitive - "graffiti currency" this, and "love note" that - Blah! Blah! Blah! What a bunch of crap! Who the hell would read that drivel? The only traffic I get is from people looking for XXX black peeing porn, and... DAMMIT! Would you please quit trying to change the subject?


    Evil Glenn: Heh. Sorry. Couldn't resist.


    Harv: Now answer my question! Why are you torturing little doggies?


    Evil Glenn: Look, dollar-defacer, you've got the wrong guy. I may be a puppy-blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshiping, robot-dancing, communist-sympathizing, Frank J.-punching, white-supremacist, penguin-porn addict who makes inter-species sex films, but that doesn't make me a monster.


    Harv: Lawyer


    Evil Glenn: Touché. However, the fact is that when I blend puppies, I use the "liquefy" setting so that it's over with quickly. I just want a fast energy drink, I don't want the little sweet-meats to actually SUFFER... except maybe the Yorkies... nasty, ankle-biting, yipping little annoyances. They're like tiny, fuzzy Frenchmen.


    Harv: Can't argue with you there.


    Evil Glenn: Besides, there's hardly any money in the puppy-mill industry. Way too small-time for an important guy like me to piddle around with. I seek world domination, and I'm working on a scheme right now to bring the global economy to its knees. So until the profit margins on animal abuse increase significantly, I've got bigger fish to fry.


    Harv: EWWWW! And I thought penguin porn was gross. You're sicker than Troy McClure!


    Evil Glenn: Idiot! I said "fry", not f***!


    Harv: Oh. Sorry. Anyway, what's this evil scheme of yours?


    Evil Glenn: You'll find out. MUAHAHAHA!




    And find out I did. When we got our last shipment of currency from the Federal Reserve, I saw this horrifying sight:


    [too evil for words]


    Evil Glenn my not be crippling helpless canines for profit, but he's still a threat to the American way of life and he must be stopped!




    (hat tip to American Digest for the picture and Blogless Brother Tom for the news story)


    posted by Harvey at 9:42:25 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    Never before have I awoken with a feeling like this. A feeling that lifts me up from out of the darkness and leads me into light. Never before have I believed in angels on Earth, or that a simple fairytale would become my very life. Never before have I trusted someone with my mind and my heart, or fallen asleep only so I could see another enchanting day with someone. Never before have I been so in love or so happy.


    posted by Harvey at 7:00:57 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    ...better grabbeth a kleenex.


    posted by Harvey at 6:57:37 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Looks like BigStick.US already got part 2 up. It's everything I hoped for.

    It's 2015, and President Andy Scott just drove his motorcycle into the UN, fired a few rounds into the ceiling to get everyone's attention, and is now explaining himself:


    "[F***] you. [F***] your whiny bitching, and [F***] this pathetic little club of whiny bitches. We're out. That is all. Oh, and the diplomatic immunity of all foreign U.N. personnel currently in the United States will expire in 24 hours. Any questions?" Several hands went up. Scott pointed to the Mexican delegate.

    "Excuse me, Señor President," he said, "but have you been drinking?"

    "My, you're a bright one, aren't you? The truth is, I can't stand to deal with most of you people when I'm sober," Scott replied. He noticed the British and Australian delegates, among others, nodding in agreement with him. He reached into his jacket and produced a liquor flask with a portrait of Ronald Reagan engraved on the side. "I'd like to let you all know that I've invented a new drinking game. Whenever any of you say anything stupid, I'm going to drink. It looks like I have a bit of catching up to do." He unscrewed the top of the flask and took a long draw of the contents, then pointed at the German delegate.


    Plenty more goodies where that came from. Get going and start catching up. Here's part 1 if you need it. Trust me, you're not going to want to be left behind on this one. Get caught up NOW.


    posted by Harvey at 6:36:10 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Monday, November 03, 2003


    So Jeff of BigStick.US e-mailed me & said, "Hey, we're gonna write this cool story as a series. Check it out" (ok, that wasn't an exact quote, but it's good enough for the LA Times).

    I did.

    Now, I've been saying (privately) for a long time that the rest of the world needs to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century, and that they need to have respect for individual rights & the rule of law beaten into them, if necessary (see Germany and Japan for examples of how this bit of irony works). I think it's great that we're starting with Iraq, and quite possibly moving onto to other sweaty, nasty, third-world hell-holes. But I've often wondered just what the f*** is wrong with Canada that they think Socialism is a good idea? Couldn't we fix this with just a mild, loving, southern-neighbor-who-really-cares ClueBatting?

    Obviously Jeff & Tom (the BigStick boys) had the same thought. And they're going to be spinning a tale in this vein. Part 1 is up, and I have two recommendations:

    1) go read it

    2) poke these guys with pitchforks until they get the next installment up. WHICH BETTER BE PRETTY DAMN QUICK!, please.


    posted by Harvey at 9:54:10 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    In my interview at Misguided Minion Jen's place (hey Jen, gotten any Instalanches lately? HA! Just kidding! Why don't you join the Alliance where most of the people who love you (including me) are waiting to welcome you with open arms. And links, lots of links), I mentioned that I thought the new design for the $20 was no more safe & secure than any other design, because most people never do more than glance at their cash.

    Thanks to this pointer from BigStick.US, I get to gloat.


    Fake $20s Showing Up In Massachusetts

    Secret Service Launches Investigation

    UPDATED: 8:43 a.m. EST October 28, 2003

    The new $20 bills have features to make them nearly impossible to counterfeit, but police south of Boston say fake bills have already made it into circulation. Now, the Secret Service is helping in an investigation.
    In Brockton, Mass., the phony $20s have been located at Petti's Market, George's Cafe and a Radio Shack. In Bridgewater, Mass., they've shown up at the lunchroom of the Bridgewater-Raynham Regional High School and a McDonald's.


    My favorite line is this howler:

    "The new design makes traditional counterfeiting more difficult," said W. Ralph Basham of the U.S. Secret Service.


    Apparently Mr. Basham is unfamiliar with this.

    I feel so gloriously smug now.


    posted by Harvey at 9:12:14 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    In real love, you want the other person's good. In romantic love, you want the other person.

    [to which I added]

    :-) So this is really romantic :-)


    posted by Harvey at 8:45:40 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Hmmm... and all this time I thought he only ate *ahem* Subway.


    posted by Harvey at 8:42:54 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    If you'd like to reward the Alliance members who voted, but don't feel like inserting all those links, here's the source code. You should be able to just copy & paste.

    <P><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>IMAO</FONT></STRONG></A> (539 links) - 3101 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love</FONT></STRONG></A> (148 links) - 910 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>angelweave</FONT></STRONG></A> (107 links) - 360 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Anger Management</FONT></STRONG></A> (68 links) - 271 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>The Inscrutable American</FONT></STRONG></A> (63 links) - 215 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Ramblings of Silver Blue</FONT></STRONG></A> (109 links) - 203 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>The Alliance</FONT></STRONG></A> (157 links) - 160 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Bad Money</FONT></STRONG></A> (108 links) - 136 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon</FONT></STRONG></A> (66 links) - 121 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Practical Penumbra</FONT></STRONG></A> (176 links) - 92 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>See The Donkey</FONT></STRONG></A> (16 links) - 85 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Being American in T.O.</FONT></STRONG></A> (43 links) - 77 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Irreconcilable Musings</FONT></STRONG></A> (56 links) - 73 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>The S-Train Canvass</FONT></STRONG></A> (27 links) - 64 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Simon World</FONT></STRONG></A> (31 links) - 58 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Curiosity</FONT></STRONG></A> (28 links) - 56 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>The Everlasting Phelps</FONT></STRONG></A> (32 links) - 55 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Leaning Towards the Dark Side</FONT></STRONG></A> (28 links) - 54 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>the evangelical outpost</FONT></STRONG></A> (52 links) - 51 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Civilization Calls</FONT></STRONG></A> (23 links) - 40 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>physics geek</FONT></STRONG></A> (35 links) - 39 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>CandyUniverse</FONT></STRONG></A> (35 links) - 34 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>BigStick</FONT></STRONG></A> (25 links) - 31 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Elegance Against Ignorance</FONT></STRONG></A> (30 links) - 30 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699></FONT></STRONG></A> (19 links) - 29 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Five Wasps</FONT></STRONG></A> (11 links) - 25 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>All Encompassingly</FONT></STRONG></A> (19 links) - 24 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Wince and Nod</FONT></STRONG></A> (39 links) - 22 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>A Life of Freedom</FONT></STRONG></A> (16 links) - 22 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Homicidal Maniak</FONT></STRONG></A> (14 links) - 21 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Not Quite Tea and Crumpets</FONT></STRONG></A> (27 links) - 18 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Cannon's Canon</FONT></STRONG></A> (18 links) - 18 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Peripheral Mind</FONT></STRONG></A> (55 links) - 16 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Hoppings of Roxette Bunny</FONT></STRONG></A> (32 links) - 15 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>The Psychotic Rant</FONT></STRONG></A> (22 links) - 15 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>The Wise Man Says...</FONT></STRONG></A> (36 links) - 14 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Single White Male</FONT></STRONG></A> (13 links) - 12 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Hypocrisy and Hypotheses</FONT></STRONG></A> (20 links) - 12 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Various Orthodoxies</FONT></STRONG></A> (27 links) - 10 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Newmanisms</FONT></STRONG></A> (16 links) - 10 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Interested-Participant</FONT></STRONG></A> (51 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href=""><STRONG><FONT color=#336699>Semi-Intelligent Thoughts</FONT></STRONG></A> (4 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT></P>


    posted by Harvey at 8:28:30 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    The following Alliance members voted in the New Blog Showcase this week:

    IMAO (539 links) - 3101 visits/day V
    Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love (148 links) - 910 visits/day V
    angelweave (107 links) - 360 visits/day V
    Anger Management (68 links) - 271 visits/day V
    The Inscrutable American (63 links) - 215 visits/day V
    Ramblings of Silver Blue (109 links) - 203 visits/day V
    The Alliance (157 links) - 160 visits/day V
    Bad Money (108 links) - 136 visits/day V
    Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon (66 links) - 121 visits/day V
    Practical Penumbra (176 links) - 92 visits/day V
    See The Donkey (16 links) - 85 visits/day V
    Being American in T.O. (43 links) - 77 visits/day V
    Irreconcilable Musings (56 links) - 73 visits/day V
    The S-Train Canvass (27 links) - 64 visits/day V
    Simon World (31 links) - 58 visits/day V
    Curiosity (28 links) - 56 visits/day V
    The Everlasting Phelps (32 links) - 55 visits/day V
    Leaning Towards the Dark Side (28 links) - 54 visits/day V
    the evangelical outpost (52 links) - 51 visits/day V
    Civilization Calls (23 links) - 40 visits/day V
    physics geek (35 links) - 39 visits/day V
    CandyUniverse (35 links) - 34 visits/day V
    BigStick (25 links) - 31 visits/day V
    Elegance Against Ignorance (30 links) - 30 visits/day V (19 links) - 29 visits/day V
    Five Wasps (11 links) - 25 visits/day V
    All Encompassingly (19 links) - 24 visits/day V
    Wince and Nod (39 links) - 22 visits/day V
    A Life of Freedom (16 links) - 22 visits/day V
    Homicidal Maniak (14 links) - 21 visits/day V
    Not Quite Tea and Crumpets (27 links) - 18 visits/day V
    Cannon's Canon (18 links) - 18 visits/day V
    Peripheral Mind (55 links) - 16 visits/day V
    Hoppings of Roxette Bunny (32 links) - 15 visits/day V
    The Psychotic Rant (22 links) - 15 visits/day V
    The Wise Man Says... (36 links) - 14 visits/day V
    Single White Male (13 links) - 12 visits/day V
    Hypocrisy and Hypotheses (20 links) - 12 visits/day V
    Various Orthodoxies (27 links) - 10 visits/day V
    Newmanisms (16 links) - 10 visits/day V
    Interested-Participant (51 links) - visits/day V
    Semi-Intelligent Thoughts (4 links) - visits/day V


    posted by Harvey at 8:17:13 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I try to save linkage on assignments for after it's posted, but Physics Geek ruined my keyboard with his entry, so here's a little payback.


    posted by Harvey at 7:40:34 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I got a comment from the "evil commie" who runs The Politburo Diktat, and I saw Lynn dropping his name, too, so I thought maybe I should jump on the bandwagon.

    It's an intriguing theme, and answers the question "how would a hard-core buzzword-dropping, communist true-believer blog?"

    It's hard to find a single post that both gives you the flavor and also winks broadly enough to let you know that it's a parody site, but I think this one on how the UN actually averted the August bombing (do not argue with PRAVDA by citing your capitalist-lie-filled New York Times) should do the trick.


    Oh, and if you want REAL hard-core commie blogging, try the *spit* League of Liberals *spit* Best self-parody site on the web.


    posted by Harvey at 6:28:22 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I don't really know. I mean, I'm a nice guy, and despite my fierce hatred of all things UN, I couldn't actually come up with a suitable punishment for a terrorist-coddling asshat like Mr. Annan.

    Fortunately, J of Quibbles & Bits has a bitter, twisted imagination, and gives us all a LOVELY tour of Kofi's experiences in the Afterlife. Here's the beginning of it. Be sure to read the rest because it just keeps getting better as you go along.


    The confusion faded and coherence slowly returned. He waited patiently; he was used to this, being a diplomat. Waiting was the game. Gradually, all consciousness returned to him and he opened his eyes.

    There was no mistaking the sinister scarlet figure towering over him.

    "I was wondering when you'd open your eyes, Kofi," the figure rumbled.

    "Are you Satan?" Kofi Annan asked.

    "Yes," the figure replied. Flames burst from his skin and flickered in the vile darkness.

    "And this is Hell?" Annan asked.

    "Yes," Satan replied.

    "And why am I here? I worked only for peace," Annan declared.

    "Let me check my journal," Satan said, reaching into his thigh and withdrawing a blood soaked Palm Pilot. Flames burst from the screen as he opened the cover.


    I gotta get me a Palm Pilot like that...

    [insert malicious chuckle here]


    posted by Harvey at 2:46:42 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    By popular demand (or maybe just mine - whichever) J of Quibbles & Bits finished the second part of "The Clock Ticks", the first part of which I went ga-ga over in this post.

    I was at work when I read it. I have no idea how long it took because clocks and other material aspects of the universe were a faint and dissolved shadow while I was reading. I don't think any customers came in during that time. Not that I would've paid any attention to them anyway. I was too busy sitting at the edge of my seat with my eyes bugging out, only occasionally remembering to breathe.

    It's still dark, it's still compelling, and it's EXACTLY what I was hoping for when I asked him to write some more. J has a most exquisite way of building tension in this tale, and then releasing it just a tiny bit before tightening the noose still further.

    In short, it's a damn fine piece, and like I told J, I WISH Stephen King were still writing stuff this compelling.

    Best of all, there's even a doorway at the end of his post through which may yet slip a continuation of the tale. We can only hope.

    Anyway, find a little quiet time and read it.

    With the lights on.


    posted by Harvey at 2:36:21 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Helen of Everyday Stranger has her interview up over at Deep Cover Agent, Code Name: Jen's place.

    Good points: She lives in Sweden. Nice country. My grandfather left there because the rulers were stupid & oppresive, the beer was lousy, the weather was miserably cold, and all his neighbors were a bunch of simple-minded farm folk.

    So he moved to Wisconsin.

    I guess he was homesick.

    Anyway, the bad points of the interview: not enough shaved beaver discussion.

    Another bad point would be that, despite the fact that Don of Anger Management has been writing hilarious sexual fantasies about her for some time now, she only mentions his name once. Women can be so cruel.

    Anyway, Jim of Snooze Button Dreams is up next, questions accepted at Jen's place until midnight Monday. Simon of Simon World is midnight Wednesday.


    posted by Harvey at 12:55:57 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Schadenfreude, that is. That bittersweet, malicious joy that one feels at the sight of ignoranuses suffering. Dear, sweet Susie heard the moans of misery that escaped me from being pummeled by a rude and thoughtless customer. In return, she gave me the company of her own misery:


    Customer I listened to your recording and it says the only showtime for American Wedding is 9:30. Are you showing it any other times?
    Reply Susie wrestled back but really really wanted to say: Yes, we do have other showtimes, but they're secret, so I can't tell you.


    There's more, but you'll have to go there to read it.

    Oh, and the BEST part is Susie's story about a guy who got REALLY pissed because this teller wouldn't take his expired driver's license as a valid ID to cash a check, but what the idiot DIDN'T know was that...

    Anyway, if you've ever worked customer service, stop by Piratical Penumbra and let Susie ease your pain.

    Heh. Off-duty.

    posted by Harvey at 10:52:17 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    God bless the New Zealand Bear. For the longest time, there's been a quirk in the Ecosystem, whereby multiple links from the same blog to your blog were counted separately. This was a happy thing for me, since some of my readers (looking your way, Susie) tend to show their appreciation with great gobs of gratuituous linkage. Which I adore and greatly appreciate.

    Now the Bear has fixed it so that only unique referers count toward your ecosystem rating. I dropped 85 in the ranks in one day, but I'm actually glad because there was always this little argument raging in the back of my head:


    Look at me - I'm so POP-ular!

    Shut up, dingus. It's only Susie linking the crap out of you. You're really a microbe in disguise.

    Hey! Take that back! There's nothing "only" about Susie.

    Ok, fine, she's the sweetiest. But you're still a nobody.

    Bite me.


    And so on and so forth. But all that's changed now, because my rank is no longer artificially inflated by the charming Link Madam and the Convivial Bartender. Where the Bear says I am is where I actually am.

    Now if only I could find a way to get my actual traffic numbers up...

    posted by Harvey at 10:39:25 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Ok, this is partly a little gratuituous return-linky-love, but I do have a serious point to make. Dana (America's #1 pin-up girl) of Note-It Posts, read my French-Man vs. The Protesters entry, and demonstrated the proper technique for getting your readers to follow a link.

    First, she complimented the post.

    Second, she gave an excerpt to demonstrate the post's quality

    Third, she gave a little teaser at the end to make her readers get a "what the hell is she talking about?" question in their heads that could ONLY be answered by going to the post in question.

    THAT'S how to send traffic. I noticed a big glob from her in my referrer logs. A Note-it-lanche, if you will.

    The other way to send traffic is to tell your readers that the post you're sending them to is short. Well, Dana's post is short. Take you all of 20 seconds to read the 2 sentences she wrote. And I promise you'll be a better blogger for having read it.


    posted by Harvey at 10:16:17 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Sunday, November 02, 2003


    Why go to Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon? Some people go for the best Halloween parties in the 'sphere, others go for the hard core B & D fantasies in the Champagne Room (no, seriously hard core. I'm NOT kidding about this). But if that's not your cup o' tea, there's always:

    the Rosarita recipe fish taco

    the chewy bimbo slut

    the fresh fruit recipe hairy buffalo punch

    the asshat turd burglar

    and the Halloween butter sex

    Plus a few more things that I'm not remembering right now, 'cuz I'm really freakin' drunk. Not my fault, really, it's just that the Bartender gives the Corner of the Bar Gang a little extra splash when he mixes our drinks. Just one of the many privileges of membership. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go kick Matt O'Blackfive's ass. He insulted my honor by accusing me of stereotyping him. And since I don't have a prejudiced bone in my body, I take great offense that such charges have been leveled against me.

    Damn drunken Irish bastard. I'll fix him good.

    Psst! Bartender. Here's a 20. Next time Matty gets his round of six, pour him some O'Douls. After he spits the crap all over the walls & starts howling like a wolf in a bear trap, tell him it was a present from someone who doesn't believe in stereotypes.



    posted by Harvey at 11:27:02 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Ok, I guess it is snark season, because a whole bunch of them have been rounded up & shot over at Misguided Minioness Venomous Kate's place. My personal favorite would be the SmarterCop's expose on the women who you DON'T want taking their shirts off in public (yes, they exist *shudder*).

    posted by Harvey at 5:12:20 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Sometimes I think the League of Liberals is a parody site. Or maybe they're just overcome with fits of honesty on occasion. Like in today's headline:




    Yes. Yes you are.



    posted by Harvey at 5:07:21 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Rising to my own challenge, I'm going to use my new vocabulary to make some taglines for the League of Liberals, in accordance with this week's Alliance Precision Guided Humor Assignment:

    1) No intaxication for the working class

    2) Hillary '04: Reintarnation for the masses

    3) Home of the Bozone layer

    4) Political foreployers welcome

    5) Because higher taxes means less cashtration

    6) Substituting giraffiti for reasoned argumentation

    7) Unable to jump the conservative sarchasm

    8) Follow our leadership, get the tax bill, get three jobs to pay it, inoculatte to keep up your strengh. Who says we don't have a plan for America?

    9) No hipatitus here

    10) Making osteopornosis a presidential candidate requirement since 1991

    11) Crashing & burning in the great Karmageddon

    12) Turning the American way of life into a decafalon, one stupid law at a time

    13) Stroking your homeland defense glibido without blood for oil

    14) Victims of the dopeler effect

    15) Spouting an arachnoleptic fit of America-hatred

    16) Hear our platform, get the caterpallor

    17) Where ignoranuses gather to blather



    posted by Harvey at 5:02:41 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I hear about Israel a lot. More specifically, things blowing up and killing innocent people in Israel. But outside of being a Nation victimized by horror, what have the Israelis done?

    I support Israel, but I honestly can't answer the question. The only Israeli product I've ever bought was a chocolate bar, many years ago, which was horrid. Tasted like the only ingredients were sugar, cocoa, and a tiny bit of milk. Nasty.

    But Bsurot Tovot is a web site dedicated to answering the question with something besides "bad chocolate". Interesting, enlightening, educational. Good job.


    posted by Harvey at 2:14:28 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Having survived for many of my bachelor years only by the grace of whatever frozen entrees were on sale at the time, I can really relate to the first half of this NBS entry, Handbags & Bloodrags:


    There's one thing worse than being hungry and that's eating something when you're not. Especially when it isn't very nice. Like M&S 'Steam Cuisine' Sweet Chilli Chicken. The picture on the packaging shows sliced chicken on a bed of noodles with red chillies, onions and sugar snap peas (I hope the description is appreciated - I managed to cover myself in Whiskas cat food whilst retrieving the packet from the bin.) The reality is carrot strips, not very many noodles, carrot strips, some chicken, carrot strips, onions, an overdose of coriander, carrot strips, one sugar snap pea. Oh, and did I mention carrot [F******] strips...? Bleugh!


    Seriously, frozen dinner makers of America, what is the deal with the overdose of orange hell-shards in every single meal?

    From here, though, the author does a tremendously non-sequitorial subject change by moving onto... Tampax-related issues.


    So Yidaho gets half a vote on this one... well, ok, three-quarters, because I LOVE that picture in the upper left. I've never seen a better match-up of Blogtitle & photo.


    posted by Harvey at 2:06:10 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Sex is like math................. add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray to God you don't multiply!!!


    posted by Harvey at 1:51:59 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Another goodie from the "million times forwarded e-mail" pile, courtesy of currently blogless Beloved Wife. Who is NEVER an ignoranus. Although the woman in my previous post sure was:


    The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take

    any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing

    any one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2003 winners:

    1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you

    realize it was your money to start with.

    2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright

    ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign

    of breaking down in the near future.

    4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for getting laid.

    5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject

    financially impotent for an indefinite period.

    6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who

    doesn't get it.

    8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

    10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really

    bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a

    serious bummer.

    12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming

    only things that are good for you.

    13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

    14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they

    come at you rapidly.

    15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've

    accidentally walked through a spider web.

    16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the

    fruit you're eating.

    And now the pick of literature:

    17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


    Gratuitous linkage to anyone who can use all 17 of these words in a nominally coherant post.


    posted by Harvey at 1:48:05 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I was pulling Saturday morning duty at Ye Olde Banque, and shortly before closing time, an elderly woman came in and explained to me in a loud, angry voice that she just received the checks she ordered, and for the THIRD TIME, her name was misspelled. The following is a synopsis rather than quotes:


    I'm sorry to hear that, angry granny lady, but I have nothing to do with ordering checks, and the lady who does isn't here.

    I don't care! Your bank is evil! I am angry! You are nearby! Therefore I will vent at you despite the ineffectiveness of such an activity! And I will threaten to close my tiny checking account, too. I hate you, evil banker man!

    Really sorry you're having a bad day. Yes, our bank is evil. And yes, it's fun to beat up on peons to relieve your own sense of inadequacy as a human being. But no, I can't do shit about your checks. Check-problem-fixing lady will be in Monday. Come back then. Or better yet, why don't you try picking up the phone & saving yourself a trip.

    You are evil! Your bank is evil! I will put a hex on you and destroy everything you love! DIE! DIE! DIE!

    That's nice. See ya Monday!


    Heh. Jokes on her. I took Monday off...

    But if I ever see that grouchy old hag again, I'm gonna be sure to have this handy. I'm pretty sure Susie will buy me one for Christmas if I ask nice.


    posted by Harvey at 1:37:58 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Another one of those "forwarded a million times" e-mails sent to me by my currently blogless Beloved Wife. She thinks we should try this. She's so naughty:


    An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Older Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

    Older Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Older Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and

    calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior

    officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and

    murdered the owner.

    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite


    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving


    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands

    it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a

    license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up

    the owner.

    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.



    posted by Harvey at 1:14:52 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Oddly enough, the old media isn't beating the drum on these. Huh. Go figure. Must be too busy making movies about Ronald Reagan or something.

    Anway, Matt O'Blackfive says:

    ... there's a new children's clinic

    ... a school opened

    ... a water treatment plant is running

    ... and local democratic elections are taking place.

    Harv's icy conservative heart = warmed.


    posted by Harvey at 1:02:38 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    In Iowa, there is a boulder. A man who loves his country used it as his canvas.


    (via currently blogless Beloved Wife)


    posted by Harvey at 12:10:21 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    You've probably heard by now that lefty asshats have made a movie about Ronald Reagan. Yup, nothing like kicking a sick, senile old man while he's laying helpless & unable to respond to whatever crap you want to make up. From what I understand, it's a pure & simple hatchet job. More simple than pure, strictly speaking. Or as they say themselves: "This is not a vendetta, this is not revenge," they told the New York Times. "It is about telling a good story in our honest sort of way."

    "Honest sort of"... Why is it that he felt he needed to put those last 2 words in there? I'm no deconstructionist, but to me this phrase means, "we lied at random moments when we felt like it." Go ahead. Make the substitution & read it again.

    Well, Steve of Little Tiny Lies tells a story about Barbara Streisand in his honest sort of way:


    Jimbo[James Brolin, who plays Reagan]: Babs...

    Babs: "Miss Streisand."

    Jimbo: Miss Streisand, the toilets are clean, and now I'm ready to start filing your corns.

    Babs: "Exalted corns."

    Jimbo: "Exalted corns." And when we're done with that, I'll go get the blackhead extractor. This week, we're doing the left side of your nose.

    Babs: [kicking off her shoes] Is the pool clean?

    Jimbo: Yes. It took me quite a while to get your back hairs out of the filter, but I managed. Miss Streisand, I think I've been very good lately...

    Babs: Is there some reason why you're not filing?

    Jimbo: [kneeling and filing] I've been really good lately, and I haven't asked for a raise in my allowance...

    Babs: Get to the point.

    Jimbo: Didn't you promise me you'd eventually find me some acting work?

    Babs: When I said that, I was referring to the faces I require you to make when we make love.


    Plenty more o' the good stuff at LTL.





    posted by Harvey at 12:02:50 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Jed of Boots & Sabers points out these new signs that are popping up on roadsides:


    This is a neat idea.

    Heading east, what motorists see is:

    "Dialed 911,

    "And I'm on hold,

    "Sure wish I had,

    "That gun I sold."

    The reactions of some folks is *sigh* familiar and stupid and Jed discusses them both intelligently and briefly. Oh, and by intelligently, I mean rudely & dismissively, as such things deserve.

    Those of you unfamiliar with the old Burma-Shave brushless shaving cream "series of tiny signs on the side of the road" ad campaign, should check out some of the goodies in the collection. Here's a sample of that:


    The whale
    Put Jonah
    Down the hatch
    But coughed him up
    Because he scratched

    He tried
    To cross
    As fast train neared
    Death didn't draft him
    He volunteered


    LOTS more where those came from.


    posted by Harvey at 11:47:37 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []



    "If ever there was a man who felt he had found the secret to perfecting his life it is I... I have found it in you. You have unfolded like a beautiful butterfly, becoming more than I ever imagined... you are forever adding balance to my life and clearing my vision."


    posted by Harvey at 11:32:47 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    The Bartender was thrilled to pieces when he found this in his tip jar. He started running around the joint, bragging about how "it looks like the old Barkeep's gonna see some action pretty soon". Little did he know that it was FattySue who dropped it in there.


    posted by Harvey at 11:29:16 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Here's what happened. First, I got home & found out that my Outlook Express, my normal e-mail program, would not open. It would start, then hang, and that was it.

    I got a little panicky, since I had to do the Evil Glenn Halloween Round-up at HQ & all the entries were in my e-mail program.However, something similar had happened a couple weeks ago, and I discovered then that my files were fine & that I could import them to MS Outlook. Last time, that was all it took to fix the problem & OE was working fine again. This time, however, although I did manage to get all my e-mail back, OE has yet to recover. And, honestly, I won't ever trust that bastard program again.

    Fine, e-mail issues resolved. Then I go to post this cute little answer to Joey's "Why haven't you given blood?" question. It's in 2 parts, and they need to be linked together in order for the joke to work.

    Naturally, THAT'S when Radio gets all wonky on me. I was down for almost 24 hours without being able to post, and there were no permalinks for the Oct. 31 entries (you know, the ones that DESPERATELY NEEDED permalinks to be any good?).

    Late yesterday afternoon, everything was working fine again, through no effort of my own. I guess I should be happy, but what pissed me off was that Radio has a discussion board instead of any kind of real tech support, and I found no indication that anyone had ever had a similar problem when I searched the archives. So I'm pissed off & frustrated, still hadn't voted in the NBS, and wasn't sure if the problem was mine or Radio's or if I'd have to move back to Blogspot or what. Not a good place to be.

    So, with my blog working again, I got a few quickies up, but before I could get to blogging my backlog, it was time to go to a Halloween party. Damn. Stupid real life.

    Ya know, the only problem with writing a mostly-humor blog is that no one believes you when you tell the truth about odd events. For example, if I tell you that the party included such items as handcuffs, body shots from other people's wives, tiny witch hats, tequila & wheelchairs, you'll probably just think I'm off being silly & talking dirty.

    Swear it happened, though.


    posted by Harvey at 11:09:19 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

      Saturday, November 01, 2003



    This was love at first sight, love everlasting: a feeling unknown, unhoped for, unexpected - in so far as it could be a matter of conscious awareness; it took entire possession of him, and he understood, with joyous amazement, that this was for life.


    posted by Harvey at 6:15:03 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    I taught my wife (then girlfriend) to drive a stick. It took some patience. And it helped that the car I taught her in was a piece of crap, so when she caused my car to make THAT NOISE, it didn't bother me nearly as much as it might in other circumstances. Such as the ones described by FattySue, in a parody of Hamlet's soliloquy that perfectly strikes that hard-to-reach balance between changing too many of the original words & not changing enough:


    To shift, or not to shift? That is the question-
    Whether 'tis nobler to brave the
    Five-gated synchromesh monster
    With its yet untamed demon clutch
    And risk the gnashing of teeth in my mad hunt for third,
    Or to drive the distance in second gear,
    And, by revving past the blessed redline,
    Crack a piston or burn a valve.
    'Tis better to shift, methinks,
    For who shall love me perchance I blow this
    DOHC-16V in-line, 4-cylinder fuel-injected engine?


    If you've ever taught a stick-newbie, been one yourself, or even ridden with one, you should go finish reading it. It really captures the moment.


    posted by Harvey at 6:12:22 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    the evangelical outpost has the best description of blogstration since Cox & Forkum's tip jar cartoon:


    There are 1,158,452 blogs in the blogosphere. I have but one of them.

    I spend hours sifting through my blogroll, reading posts, searching for the DNA of a new meme that I can make my own. Through the A-listers and down through the ranks of the Ecosystem.

    And then…I find It. The embryo of an undiscovered meme. In my head it all comes together and I realize I have It: the Perfect Post.


    If you're not nodding your head in sympathy by the time you get to the end of this one, you've never really blogged.


    posted by Harvey at 5:48:29 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []


    Hmmm.. any better yet?

    posted by Harvey at 7:29:21 AM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

    Click here to visit the Radio UserLand website. © Copyright 2003 Harvey Olson.
    Last update: 11/27/03; 11:38:35 AM.