You want to know how great my love is?
Count the waves.

Dana: *blush* Oh Harv, you're so naughty *giggle*

After admiring the view for a couple more seconds, I headed back to the corner, where Matty O'Blackfive & Mike the Marine were knocking back some Guinness bottles, occasionally pausing to shout “brilliant!” at each other, and generally acting like a couple of drunken idiots:

Matty: Look! I've invented the 6-pack. Now I can drink 6 beers at once!

Mike: Brilliant! And I've invented the tapper so I can drink this entire keg of Guinness without having to re-fill my glass!

Matty: Brilliant!

Harv: Say, have either of you guys seen the Bartender? He's been missing for days.

Matty: What? You've found a way to keep the Bartender from telling dumb ass Kang A. Roo jokes?

Mike: Brilliant!

Harv: Would you guys shut up for a minute? This is serious. I'm starting to get worried, and...

From the TV in the corner came a familiar voice...

Evil Glenn:... so come on down to Blender's, the evilest bar in the blogosphere. And, as soon as I torture the recipe out of the Bartender, we'll be featuring the Ultimate Martini as our specialty. That's BLENDER'S!

Harv: Did you guys hear that? Evil Glenn has kidnapped the Bartender! We've got to go rescue him!

Matty: I don't know, Harv, we're kinda busy getting drunk here...

Mike: Yeah, this beer ain't gonna drink itself.

Harv: Take the beer with you. You can drink it on the way.

Matty: Harv's discovered a way to drink beer AND rescue the Bartender at the same time!

Mike: Brilliant!

Harv: Geez you guys are annoying! Mike, go get the truck warmed up. Matty, you carry the keg. Hmmm... we're gonna need some muscle. Hey! Heather! Wanna help us rescue the Bartender from the vile clutches of Evil Glenn?

Heather: Sure! Just let me finish arm-wrestling the boucer...[SLAM!]... Ok, I'm ready.

Bouncer: Oh, come on! I was just getting warmed up. One more time...

Heather: Give it up, already! I just beat you seven times in a row.

Bouncer: Best 8 out of 15?

Heather: I [WHACK!] SAID [BASH!] NO! [SLAM! *CRACK!*]

Harv: Damn, Heather, I think you broke his... well,... everything.

Heather: He shouldn't have disrespected my dainty femininity.

Harv: You're such a classy dame.

Heather: Ain't I just? Now [cracking knuckles] let's get rescuin'!

Evil Glenn: You've had 35 shots of Jose Cuervo. Soon you'll be so drunk you'll tell me recipe for the Ultimate Martini. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Bartender: Uh... sure... in fact, I'm almost there already. How about another shot? That should do the trick.

Evil Glenn: Soon the customer-seducing power of the Ultimate Martini Recipe will be in my hands. Then Blender's will become the most popular bar in the blogosphere and I will double my domination of the Ecosystem! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Bartender: Hello? Thirsty kidnapping victim over here? Make with the drinky-drink already!

Evil Glenn: Yes, of course. Misguided Minioness Jen! Fetch me another bottle of tequila!

Jen: Bite me, ya puppy-blending freak! I can't believe how stupid you are! The Ultimate Martini Recipe is posted right out in the open at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, free for the taking. Why the hell are you bothering with all the kidnapping & torture?

Evil Glenn: NEVER QUESTION ME! I AM THE DARK OVERLORD OF THE BLOGOSPHERE AND I SHALL NOT TOLERATE INSUBORDINATION! I don't pay you to criticize my nefarious schemes, I pay you do my bidding!... and to strut around in a black leather cat-suit... in which your breasts jiggle most fetchingly, I might add... NOW GET ME THAT TEQUILA!

Jen: Fine. What-EVER, Mr.-delusions-of-godhood. I'll be right back... [mumbling] stupid penguin-molesting assmunch...

Evil Glenn: I heard that!

Jen: And I'm pretending to care. Here's your stinkin' booze.

Evill Glenn: Here ya go Barkeep. Drink...DRINK!

Bartender: I thought you'd never ask [glug, glug, glug] AHHHHHH! Good stuff!

Evil Glenn: All right... now, tell me, what is the Ultimate Martini recipe?

Bartender: The recipe is...

Evil Glenn: Yesssss...

Bartender: PISS IN A GLASS AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS, PUPPY BLENDER! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Evil Glenn: Right! That does it! I'm through messing around with you! Jen... blow him...

Jen: What? You sick twisted pervert scumbag! I'm not gonna give this freak a BJ!

Evil Glenn: Would you NOT interrupt? I was going to say "blow him away". Here's a gun.

Jen: [blushing] Oh. Sorry. Say your prayers, Barkeep. This is the end of the line for you.

Bartender: You mean I don't get that blowjob?

Jen: You are SOOOO dead! [cocking the pistol]

Harv: Nice kick. A little dainty though.

Heather: Quiet, or your balls are next.

Matty: Hi, Glenn! I've got five friends that want to talk to you [punching him in the face and knocking him out cold]

Jen: Heather, you bitch! I'm gonna kill the Bartender and you can't stop me!

Heather: Oh yeah? [launching a flying tackle and wrestling her to the ground]

Mike: Mmmm.... catfight.

Harv: Shouldn't we be taping this for the Champagne Room Sunday Night Movie?

Matty: Way ahead of you, Harv [squinting at the viewfinder of a digital camcorder] Damn! This is HOT!

Mike: Cat suit's ripping! OOH-RAH!

Heather [grabbing Jen's hair and throwing a series of face punches]: Don't [WHAM!] call [THUD!] me [POW!] bitch! [SMACK!]

Harv: Heather, you might not want to kill her just yet. She's still got interviews to post, including Dana's.

Heather [letting Jen's unconscious head drop to the floor]: I suppose you're right. I don't want to break a nail, and... Matt, what are you doing with that camcorder?

Matty [quickly hiding it behind his back]: Uh,... just, uh.... documenting Evil Glenn's crimes for posterity. Heh.

Mike: Let's just get the Bartender and get out of here before more of Glenn's evil henchmen show up.

Heather: Are you ok, Bartender? Are you hurt? Can you walk?

Bartender: I'm ferfectly pine. I just need another tot of shequila to clear my head...[slumps to the floor in a drunken heap]

Matty: Heather, just grab him & let's go.

Heather[tossing the Bartender lightly over one shoulder] Mike, be a gentleman and open the door for me, please?

Heather [beaming]: You're so sweet!... Matt! Harv! Get your asses in gear!

Matty [filling his pockets with scotch bottles]: Right behind ya!

Harv [raiding the cash register]: OOOH! Look! Graffiti currency!

Harv: Right! Coming!

Later, at Madfish Willie’s Cyber Saloon, Matty & I were sitting in a quiet corner discussing the evening’s events:

Harv: I can’t believe how incredibly stupid & dangerous it was busting into Evil Glenn’s lair like that. Good thing we had Heather with us.

Matty: No kidding. Remind me never to piss her off.

Harv: Yeah… uh,... speaking of which, do you have that video handy?

Matty: Heh. Sure do, let’s take a peek, and… oh… crap…

Harv: What’s the matter?

Harv: Missing? What the hell happened to it?

Matty: I don’t know. Maybe it fell out of the camcorder or something.

Suddenly, from the TV in the corner, a familiar voice:

Evil Glenn: ...and remember, every Sunday at Blender’s is Champale Cubicle Movie Night! This week featuring the hot girl-on-girl action of “Blog War Catfight”

A familiar (and extremely hot) vision graced the screen as Matty & I broke out in simultaneous cold sweats.

Harv: Maybe Heather won’t notice…

Heather: What the f*** is THAT? You guys are SO f****** dead!

Matty: Race ya to Mexico…

Harv: Si, amigo.

Fortunately, while cowering in Tijuana, we were able to lay hands on a 500-pound crate of Orville Reddenbacher’s Movie Theater Popcorn, and had it FedEx’d to Heather, who accepted the gift of her favorite junk food, and quickly forgave us our trespasses as she lapsed into a carb-coma.

But I swear on the Bartender’s tip jar, that bastard Evil Glenn is going to pay for what he did.

The. War. Goes. On.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
***********

The Geekster of physicsgeek posts a linky-love round-up. Normally I'd link to something original, but he actually posted the picture of the Howard Dean parody magazine cover, so it's worth the trip to Geekville for that alone. Dana, please don't click the link until I'm out of strangling range.


posted by Harvey at 9:41:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

NEW BLOG SHOWCASE VOTER LINKY-LOVE

Flying Chair (159 links) - 3797 visits/day V
Anti-Idiotarian Rotweiler (509 links) - 2268 visits/day V
Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love (235 links) - 800 visits/day V
annika's journal & poetry (136 links) - 260 visits/day V
the evangelical outpost (190 links) - 258 visits/day V
Say Anything (68 links) - 180 visits/day V
Being American in T.O. (93 links) - 173 visits/day V
Pardon My English (92 links) - 150 visits/day V
Practical Penumbra (214 links) - 141 visits/day V
DAN K OLEARY DOT COM BLOG (108 links) - 135 visits/day V
Ramblings of Silver Blue (155 links) - 129 visits/day V
The Alliance (162 links) - 126 visits/day V
Bad Money (149 links) - 119 visits/day V
Absinthe & Cookies (201 links) - 115 visits/day V
From the Halls to the Shores (75 links) - 111 visits/day V
dogtulosba, ink. - soapiate of the masses (58 links) - 100 visits/day V
Colorado Conservative (67 links) - 97 visits/day V
Simon World (82 links) - 87 visits/day V
VRWC, Inc. (96 links) - 85 visits/day V
angelweave (131 links) - 81 visits/day V
An Englishman's Castle (65 links) - 79 visits/day V
physics geek (82 links) - 74 visits/day V
Civilization Calls (64 links) - 63 visits/day V
BLATHER REVIEW (91 links) - 44 visits/day V
The S-Train Canvass (72 links) - 43 visits/day V
Wince and Nod (89 links) - 39 visits/day V
The Owner's Manual (49 links) - 39 visits/day V
Semi-Intelligent Thoughts (65 links) - 35 visits/day V
Homicidal Maniak (68 links) - 34 visits/day V
The Common Virtue (49 links) - 33 visits/day V
CandyUniverse (90 links) - 31 visits/day V
BigRedGiant.com (64 links) - 30 visits/day V
The Gleeful Extremist (60 links) - 29 visits/day V
Self-composed (64 links) - 28 visits/day V
BigStick (71 links) - 27 visits/day V
Left Coast Conservative (131 links) - 25 visits/day V
curi's domain (62 links) - 24 visits/day V
Not Quite Tea and Crumpets (73 links) - 23 visits/day V
Grim's Hall (63 links) - 22 visits/day V
Elegance Against Ignorance (78 links) - 17 visits/day V
Ninjababe's Ramble (66 links) - 13 visits/day V
Newmanisms (60 links) - 11 visits/day V
Cannon's Canon (59 links) - 11 visits/day V
Hoppings of Roxette Bunny (62 links) - 10 visits/day V
Leah Guildenstern (51 links) - 8 visits/day V
Political commentary, analysis and opinion: eTALKINGHEAD.com (133 links) - 0 visits/day V
Interested-Participant (109 links) - visits/day V
Eckernet.com (61 links) - visits/day V
Ripe Bananas (58 links) - visits/day V
The New American Revolutionist (57 links) - visits/day V

TODAY’S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I long to touch your soul,

To taste the sacredness of you,

A love so pure, sublime, serene…

A dream contemptuous of time.

Come to me, Love, and wrap me up

In endless dreams, caresses sweet

With gentleness and joy

My aching heart, filled with desire,

Would gladly soar through time and space

Just to dissolve in your embrace once more…

And melt into your soul’s sweet fire.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Contrary to the popular legend, Lincoln did NOT actually say this after coming off a three-day bender.

NEW BLOG SHOWCASE VOTES (REPOSTED FROM 12-19)

Pragmatic Conservatism by Dan K. O'Leary: Bush, Saddam, and Howard Dean

Honestly, not so much for the entry (which, although well-enough supported by the facts, still boils down to "Bush rules, Dean drools") as for a) the blogger, Dan, who is an active Alliance member and a pretty cool guy and b) because Liberal goof-balls come trolling along in the comments making off-topic remarks & personal attacks instead of addressing the point of the post.

Belief Seeking Understanding: Monday, November 10, 2003

This post makes a good point, which I hadn't thought of before:

"the moral of the story is "It costs money to not pay attention, because if you go to college, and you go to a college that isn't coveting and actively recruiting people like you, you end up underwriting the education of the students the college is coveting and actively recruiting."

However, I think it would've been better if the author had finished with some suggested action, like "so don't go to a college unless they seek you out." or something. The post just feels a little... unfinished.

patrickspero.com: Howard Dean's "Point"

No matter how hard I try, I just CAN'T take Howard Dean seriously enough to discuss him like he's intelligent human being. All he deserves is cruel mockery. Of which Patrick dishes up a big, steaming plateful. Mheh.

ALLIANCE BREAKING NEWS

The Bear's going to combine last week's showcase with this week's showcase. Re-post your votes so they don't scroll off your front page. Tell your blog-buddies, too.

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Christmas. My pick of the litter would be BigStick.US, here's a sample, but I'm leaving the best lines for you to find by yourself:

*************

"Yes, that's true," Glenn said, "but I needed to make toys of Chairman Mao simply for the name. Think about it. Think about the name. The spelling."

My mind still clouded by the Pure Commie Evil, I tried to figure out what Glenn meant. Finally, it hit me.

The iMao. I... M... A.......

"O... My... God..." Suddenly, I realized exactly what it was that Glenn was up to. "You designed this toy for the sole purpose of perverting the name of Frank J's website, didn't you, you sick bastard?"

"Indeed," Glenn replied. "That's not all I'm going to do to that little son of a bitch, though. I designed the iMaos to radiate Pure Commie Evil to brainwash shoppers into buying them. Soon, millions of children will find an iMao sitting under the tree on Christmas morning - it'll be one of the best-selling toys ever! And with my massive sales, I'll develop enough brand recognition to go to court and take back the iMao domain name anyone who's tried to capitalize on the popularity of my toy to trick people into reading their crappy conservative humor."

*************

And a new Filthy Lie assignment: How will Evil Glenn be ringing in the new year?

Will the New Year's Eve ball drop be onto a penguin's chin? Or will it be champagne, Guy Lombardo, and dead hobos falling from the ceiling? Tune in next Friday for the answers.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

TODAY’S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Love is a burning desire,

That makes your heart light on fire,

Love is being with you,

Someone saying I love you, too,

Love is your tender kiss,

Something you don’t want to miss,

Love is you and me,

And that is all I see.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



[Be patient]

Don't argue with me, Susie, you picked this dollar fair & square. Now, do you want to play Doctor or not?

A CHRISTMAS STORY

From J of Quibbles & Bits. About 3-5 minutes to read. Sweet, thoughtful, happy ending. You might want to bring a Kleenex.

HQ NEWS OF NOTE

PGH round-up is up. I particularly enjoyed homicidalManiak's version of what Saddam said when he was captured. Here's a tiny snippet:

**********

U.S. soldier #1: What? What did you find?

U.S. soldier #4: Sir, he's got naked pictures of Jacques Chirac posted all over the walls down there.

(sound of collective puking from the background)

Saddam: Lies! All lies! It was already there when I went into the hole! It's not mine! You put it down there! I kill you, you American bastard! I see what you did to O.J., I see you planted evidence.

**********

New assignment: What should we do to Saddam to get him to tell us everything he knows?

Off the top of my head, I'm thinking small elevator, loud Christmas music (with extra banjos & bagpipes).

BLOG BUDDIES LINKY LOVE

The Bear is still humping the vote-counting code, but I know that all my blog-buddies showed up this week, so I'm handing out the love:

Take a peek at Susie's cupcakes.

Matty O'Blackfive points out someone who FINALLY explains what good those terror alerts do. It's a serious post on a topic that I've heard a lot of people make fun of (bottom link).

Kevin of Eckernet comes out of retirement for Christmas break and posts something besides a Showcase vote. It's a beautiful homage to the insanely-last-minute Christmas shopper, and... Kevin! Where the hell are your permalinks? BAD BLOGGER! (Dec 21, CTRL+F "ode")

The Geekster whispers the words every man wants to hear, and tests your knowledge of Christmas trivia. Physics Geek gets extra linkage because I want to get some of that beer he's brewing.

MUAHAHAHAHA!

I thought it would be Michael Moore, but I guess I was wrong...

Who's the #1 Google hit for "lying sack of shit"?

(Hat tip to Steve of Little Tiny Lies)

BEFORE HE WAS AMERICA'S LEAST HELPFUL ADVICE COLUMNIST...

...people were asking Trey questions of a different sort, like

How did you discover that you were gay?

What does the Good Doctor think of your being a lesbian?

Why don't black and navy blue go together? And why is an exception made for blue jeans?

Children: angels on earth, or the devil in cute (if sticky) packaging?

How do you refute Zeno's paradox?

He answers them all in his interview, which is FINALLY available for viewing at Jen's place.

Find out what "my boyfriend at the time, a hand mirror and a really awkward position" is all about.

I JUST HOPE JOSH & JESSICA DON'T PICK A NAME THAT BEGINS WITH J...

... I mean, think of the confusion when it comes time to sort out the luggage after a trip: "I had the brown case with JF on it", "So did I", "Me too!". Yeesh! What a mess!

Did I mention that J of Quibbles & Bits has announced his impending fatherhood?

Go congratulate.

Shoo! Go away now! Click the link already!

BONFIRE PUSUING FLAME-RELATED ACTIVIES

The Bonfire of the Vanities is collection of the worst posts in the blogosphere, but you know what's even worse than that?

Trying to come up with new flame-related metaphors every week, that's what. No wonder Kevin's getting ready to farm this baby out. Anyway there's a fine crop of crap to be seen this time, but I think CD's post should simply be deleted.

Why?

Let's see, he mentions hippy music and dentists in one post. Yeah, I know, that's not SOOOO horribly bad, but then you throw in dental instrument sound effects...

*shudder*

TODAY’S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Life is an ocean and love is a boat

In troubled waters it keeps us afloat

When we started the voyage there was just me and you

Now gathered ‘round us we have our own crew

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



[Fuck America!]

John Kerry donated this bill to the Bush campaign as a joke.

The volunteer to whom he handed it gave it back to Mr. Kerry as a suppository.

HOME GROWN SMARTS

I was educated in a public school.

Let me re-phrase that. I was educated in spite of a public school.

I did most of my early learning courtesy of my local public library. I got my first library card when I was five, and have always gone through books the way Michael Moore goes through an all-you-can-eat buffet. On everything important, I'm essentially self-educated. All public school did was expose me briefly to various topics. Any in-depth knowledge I acquired was on my own time.

And there was one time when public school actually made me stupider. It was in one of the early grades - Second, I believe - when I was struggling to master the art of double & triple digit subtraction. The way they taught it, you started at the right side, and if you couldn't subtract the bottom number from the top, you would "borrow" 1 from the next column over. If, for example, the problem were:

 73

-27

you were instructed to cross out the 7, write a little 6 above it, and put a 1 by the 3 to make it 13.

Personally, I thought this was time-consuming and messy, so I just "remembered" that the 7 was now a 6 when I went to do the tens column. Much quicker.

Stupid-evil teacher caught me not writing things down, and said, "how do you know what you're subtracting in that column?"

I shrugged. "I just remember".

"Write it down" she commanded, in her best youthful-spirit-crushing tone.

So I did. And continued to do so for many years, making messes & wasting time, until I finally got out of that stupid habit sometime in adulthood.

Kudos to you, public education, for stifling innovation and creative thought, wherever it may blossom. I REALLY hope the trend in this nation of homeschooling takes off like a rocket.

Dana of Note-It Posts has similar feelings (although her distaste for the public education racket arises from other sources), and does a lovely job of addressing some common anti-homeschool arguments. This one is my personal favorite:

**************

"A public school does help teach kids some social skills simply because there are lots of people there and you're forced to; I don't think that can be discounted."

This is the criticism of homeschooling I hear most frequently; fewer opportunities to socialize. Fortunately, this just is not the case. Homeschooled children are involved in far more "extracurricular" activities (I believe the last statistic I saw was an average of 5.2 per child) than public-schooled kids. They have the time to pursue outside interests, and the parents can incorporate those activities into the overall curriculum. Lots of homeschooled kids participate in some school activities - notably sports and band - and may even take some of their classes at the school, if the parents are unable to provide adequate instruction or equipment (think "science labs"). Then there are homeschooling co-ops, where parents work together to teach each others' children subjects they're particularly strong in. Parks and Recreaction departments offer all kinds of supplemental sports and educational opportunities, as well as artistic and cultural pursuits. I think too many people have this notion of homeschooling as Johnny and Johnny's mom, sitting in their basement, reading books together and never going out, except to shop, when Mom teaches Johnny how to count change. That just isn't how it works in the real world, for the really dedicated homeschoolers.

**************

There's also a follow-up post of sorts - a letter from someone who someone who was homeschooled herself, and whose life greatly benefitted from the process.

************
The week before I graduated highschool (which by the way I gave the commencement speech and there 80 graduating homeschoolers in my class of 97) we made a trip down to Arkansas to see family. While I was there, I made it a point to go back and visit the teachers at the elementary school as well as the people who told me it would never be possible for me to make it past 8th grade homeshooled..and personally hand delivered graduation invitations to them and proudly told them of the scholarship I'd recieved to a 4 year university. The looks on their faces...priceless.

************

Mheh. Priceless.

WE'RE FROM THE GOVERNMENT AND WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU

Heather of Angelweave is concerned... no, make that annoyed... by the recent rash of state laws aimed at fighting obesity. She rightly observes that it's none of the government's freakin' business what you eat, and speculates a bit on what the mudpit at the bottom of this slippery slope might look like:

***********

If people want to be fat, let them be fat. The only thing I've advocated so far is more detailed labelling. I'd be pretty obnoxiously vocal if somehow my favorite junk food were no longer available at my local grocery store, and that's where this may head someday if it goes out of control.

And can't you see it? A butter ration. "Mrs. Noggle, I'm sorry. You've purchased five tubs of butter in this last week. You can't have any more."

***********

Which brought to mind a short story I'd read a couple years back that takes this scenario to its ultimate ad absurdum.

***********

Most good citizen-type Americans hunkered down and learned to live with the Lipid Laws, as they came to be known. Why, I bet there's scads of fifteen-year-olds about who've never tasted real butter or a true, cholesterol-packed egg yolk. But we're not all good citizens. Especially me. Far as I'm concerned, there's nothing like two fried eggs--fried in butter--over easy, with bacon on the side, to start the day off. Every day. And I wasn't about to give that up.

I was strictly in the antiques trade then, and I knew just about every farmer in Jersey and Eastern Pennsylvania. So I found one who was making butter for himself and had him make a little extra for me. Then I found another who was keeping some hens aside and not giving them any of the special feed and had him hold a few eggs out for me.

One day I had a couple of friends over for breakfast and served them real eggs and toast with real butter. They almost strangled me trying to find out where I got the stuff. That's when I decided to add a sideline to my antique business.

***********

Take about 10 minutes & read the whole thing. It was originally published in 1978, and it's frightening how nearly-believable it is in the present day.

THE DOCTOR IS IN

Dr. Trey has another installment of his helpful advice column:

************

Help me, Dr. T. Givens!!!! There is too much workplace drama at my place of employment!

Allow me to expound...

Employee A (Boy) is best friends with Employee B (Boy) and dating Employee C (Girl). B is jealous of C, and they bicker constantly. Meanwhile, Employee D (Girl), who is best friends with Employee E (Girl), is dating former Employee F (Boy). E is jealous of F, and does every backstabbing, catty thing possible to make D break up with F. B and E hate each other, and fight most of the time. If I fire the troublemakers, B and E, the others might quit. Help!!! What do I do?

Anxious in the Technology-Free Zone

Dear ATFZ:

These sorts of things are none of my business and I suspect that since you're a nice young lady, they're none of yours either. But does B like-like A or something? Isn't that gay? And the same for E of D. Porn? I may be confused but perhaps you could pitch a plan to Cinemax and land a lucrative, late-night movie deal and be rid of this place altogether.

************

Heh. Eye drops...

*SNIFF* I NEVER EVEN GOT TO SAY GOOD-BYE

Susie was involved in a tragic coconut accident and, with a little help from J of Quibbles & Bits, has arrived in her very own personal version of hell:

***************

"Oh crap! A theater!" she cried. Satan laughed.

"And here to manage, may I present... your Assistant Manager!" Satan's gleeful shriek echoed from the walls.

"Hi Susie," the Assistant Manager began, "We've got a hundred shows today, and six theaters. There are disgruntled customers who have already bought their tickets seated right now, and a line around the block for the next shows."

He hefted a sledge hammer. "You deal with the customers, I'm going to go fix all the projectors!" He turned and walked off, whistling a happy tune.

***************

Poor Susie. Maybe she'll get time off for good behavior.

HOW TO BE A GOOD DOGGIE

The Bartender has stumbled upon the official doggie ettiquette book. It certainly explains a lot of what's been going on at my house, lately:

**********

NEWSPAPERS:
If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
[or go poop in Harvey's yard... that would be the best thing to do]

VISITORS:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
[if Harvey comes over, you can lick your balls first]

BARKING:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...
[it's OK to wake Harvey up every night after pooping in his front yard]

**********

Ya suppose the Bartender is still a little bent out of shape about that party I threw in his comments while he was gone?

Meanwhile, I'm gonna let my horse-dog Jake do a little, uh, "ettiquette" on the Bartender's front porch. Watch your step when entering the bar.

TODAY’S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

[NOTE: Unlike most of the Love Notes presented here, this one was something I wrote myself, and not just something I pulled off the internet]

I noticed how hard you worked cleaning last weekend. I’m sorry I forgot to say anything. Thank you for your effort and your love.

I love you,

Harvey

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



"Excusez-moi, Mademoiselle, would you like to see Willy Wonder Wash's 'Wonder Willy'?"

BEST STORY YET

J of Quibbles & Bits, the man who ate Stephen King's brain (or at least his tongue), has posted yet another teasy intro to probably the best story I've ever not paid money to read. I think the first three paragraphs should peak your interest:

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The Last Flight of Time

Gerard looked at the knife in his hand. Blood dripped from the blade, fresh, warm blood. Some of the blood had left red spatters on his white shirt and silk tie as well. Gerard gaped at Walter Jacobs, the patriarch of the Jacobs Enterprise family and father to Emily Jacobs, Gerard’s fiancé. The knife wound in Walter Jacobs’ chest bled with astounding vigor. Had he not been wearing a vest, the blood might have spewed across the conference room. Walter looked at Gerard, surprise and confusion welling behind tears of pain.

“What?” was all Walter had time to ask before he collapsed. Gerard dropped the knife. It bounced and clattered against the leg of the conference table. Gerard’s eyes shifted back and forth, from the knife to the body and back to the knife. It was a big knife, the silvery blade at least a foot long and three inches wide at the widest point, a triangle of death dealing steel.

“Are you two done yet?” The door to the conference swung open and Emily stepped in. Stunning, beautiful Emily, dressed for the Christmas party. How could he explain this to her when he didn’t even know what happened? She stopped, her hand migrating to cover her mouth as she gasped. Her color vanished and she looked at her fathers crumpled body in the spreading scarlet puddle.

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It gets better... and then it stops, leaving the reader thrilled, yet unsatisfied.

Since an unsatisfied Harv is a grumpy Harv, I must vent.

Allow me to direct your attention over here. This is a standard public school green slate chalkboard.

Over here, we have my fingernails, which, sadly have not been clipped recently. *sigh* I SO need a manicure. Oh well...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just warming up, J. Fingernails on a chalkboard never bothered me, personally, but I understand some people find it quite annoying.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can keep this up ALL day...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Got that story finished yet?

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's ok, take your time. Mheh.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST WINNER!

After entering something like 257 competitions of various sorts, I FINALLY won something. In this case, it was Wizbang's weekly caption contest.

Here's the picture.

Here's my incredibly brilliant caption... and some other stuff written by lesser beings.

SADDAM CAPTURED

It made headlines the world over when that sewer rat was finally captured. Most of the stories also included a report of the conversation between Saddam and the soldiers:

"He said: 'I'm Saddam Hussein, I'm the president of Iraq and I'm willing to negotiate'," Major Brian Reed, operations officer for the first brigade of the Fourth Infantry Division, told reporters at the site where Saddam was found on Saturday hiding in a hole at a hut. "The response from soldiers was: 'President Bush sends his regards'."

Although the report was essentially accurate, it didn't cover the WHOLE story. Per this week's Alliance assignment, here's the full transcript:

Soldier: All right, Hussein, you can come out now.

Saddam [crawling out of septic tank] About time you guys got here! This place smells like a French whorehouse! Maybe YOU guys are used to that kind of... uh... wait, you're not the French, are you?

Soldier: Nope. Nothing but baseball, hot dogs, apple pie & Chevrolet in this group.

Saddam: Crap! I mean... uh... Thank Allah you've arrived! Saddam Hussein has been holding me hostage here for days. He just left a few minutes ago. If you hurry, you can still catch him!

Soldier: Um, Mr. Hussein... [pointing to American flag shoulder patch] NOT stupid?

Saddam: Crap. Look here, Yankee, I'm still President of Iraq. I have great wealth and power. How's about you just kinda look the other way for a couple minutes while I make a run for it? Just give me your name & address - I'll send you a little something next time I see a post office.

Soldier: Saddam, ol' buddy, don't bullshit a bullshitter. You've got NOTHING. Last week I was taking a dump on the floor of one of your palaces. You're just another lice-infested homeless guy right now. You've got about as much going for you as that bum in L.A. who tried washing my windshield for a quarter.

Saddam: Not true! Not true! See? $750,000 in cash! It's all yours. Just let me go.

Soldier: Not much, considering I'd have to split it 600 ways.

Saddam: You're not alone? Aw, CRAP!

Soldier: Game over, feces face. Let's go.

Saddam: But I'm Saddam Hussein! I'm President of Iraq! I'm willing to negotiate!

Soldier: Ok, fine. Let's negotiate. Here's my offer [cracking Saddam in the head with his rifle butt]. If you want, I can double it....

Saddam [clutching his bleeding scalp]: No, no, that's fine. I'll come quietly.

Soldier: That's better. Well, now that you've surrendered, you'll find that Americans treat their prisoners with dignity and respect. Anything I can get for you?

Saddam: Maybe some coffee?

Soldier: Done. HEY TED! Get me a cuppa joe for the schmo!... Anything else?

Saddam: No, I'm good. Thanks.

Soldier: My pleasure.... Now there's just one more little thing you can do for us...

Saddam: Whatever you want. Here's my notes with the names of the resistance leaders. I'll also be more than happy to personally escort you to all the WMD sites.

Soldier: Well, thanks, Mr. H., that's right neighborly of you... But that's not what I was getting at.

Saddam: Oh?...

Soldier: Yeah, well, ya see, Christmas is coming up fast, and, what with the boys being so far away from home and all, I was thinking you could help bring a little holiday cheer to the 4th ID Christmas party.

Saddam: And how would I do that?

Soldier: Simple, really. All you have to do is... [explains the plan]

Saddam: WHAT? Never! I have rights! I have my dignity! I...

Soldier [raising rifle butt]: Did you want to negotiate some more?

Saddam: All right! All right! I'll do it! Just don't hit me again.

Soldier: Better.

So, during the Special Forces Christmas party, a good time was had by all, thanks to the presence of a very special guest.

HO! HO! HO!

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

AND THE NEW KING OF THE BLOGS IS...

...Tuning Spork of Blather Review, who managed to bribe four of the judges and make the other two disappear under mysterious circumstances.

Stay tuned for Spork's acceptance speech and Dethroned Blog Monarch eTalkinghead's admission of utter incompetency.

Meanwhile, go check out the reviews. Or at least mine, because I'm delightfully amusing, as always. Everyone else is such a drudge.

Except Susie, who made fun of my lame-ass Judge's Challenge question.

PERVY'S IN DA HIZZOUSE!

So after peeling himself up off the sticky floor of that Tijuana whorehouse, the Bartender FINALLY got around to posting the Champagne Room round-up. Lots of sick twisted goodies to be had.

Now this one's a bit of hopscotch, but from the Champagne Room, we hop over to Primal Purge who pimps one of her comment... whatever the opposite of troll is...'s blog, mostly because this guy desperately wants some girl-fist-lovin' from Meredith Baxter-Birney (Dec 12 CTRL+F "Meredith). Ok, that's fine, but he also says that he wants Michael Gross to be watching from the closet while it happens.

Since I bear a strong resemblance to the aforementioned unemployable washed-up actor, AND I could really use another lava lamp, I'm thinking there's a deal to be struck, here.

TODAY’S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

A Beautiful Marriage Vow

“As I stand here today with the world as my witness,

I pledge to you my undying and everlasting love.

I will stand beside you as your partner,

I will stand before you as your protector,

And I will stand behind you as your solace.

Please spend and end your life with me.”

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Translation of Arabic at left: Please enter this bill at www.wheressaddam.com

(thanks to hM of homicidalManiak for the pic)

A MAN'S CHRISTMAS LIST

Naturally, every man would prefer a pair of these, but if those are unavailable (say, because of a lack of an exciter lamp), most men would be perfectly happy with something from this list at Sanity's Edge (via Matty O'Blackfive). And I can't stress enough the rightness of this observation:

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Men like toys. Electronic toys are best. Plasma TVs and Home Theater Systems are the best choices.

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But even Electronic Football will keep the XY in your life thrilled for hours.

SADDAM SAYS:

IT’S FUN TO STAY AT THE Y-M-C-A!

Via Boots & Sabers, I found this company that makes action figures.

No, sorry, they don't have these kind.

But they do have a cute little outfit for Saddam.

You can even have a doll customized to have your face, if you want. Be sure to scroll down to look at some of the models they already have. Some of those pics are priceless. I especially like W & the Iraqi Information Minister.

WHY DIDN'T I HAVE ONE OF THESE WHEN I STUDIED ACCOUNTING?

Via the Bonfire, I found a post at Snooze Button Dreams which did NOT suck (hey Jim, can I borrow your calculator for a minute?).

Requires Flash. The picture is relatively work safe, but don't push any buttons if there are prudes in the room.

Oh, and don't push the 0 if you're insecure about your manhood.

I'M CALLING MY CABLE COMPANY...

...because Frizzen Sparks is introducing the best line-up of TV shows I've never seen:

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6:00- "Laura the Crackwhora", Dora the Explorer has a cousin in Mexico City, Laura. Laura has to navigate her way through the badlands with her companions, Heels the transvestite monkey, Stashbag, and Tubey the crackpipe. But look out for Striper the pimp. Whenever you hear Striper coming (with the sound: "Bitch better have my money!") Yell "Striper NO STRIPING!" before he stripes Laura's ass with a broken car antenna.

6:30 AM- "International Sesame Street", The new HIV positive muppets get thinner and lose fur.

7:00 AM- "Special news report: Contributions of Islam to modern society."

7:00:05 AM- "Peer into the past: History revealed." This weeks episode, the history of England: The complete bastard era (400 AD- 1937 AD)

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And that's just the morning line-up. Click through to see what's on afternoon, evening, and late night. Talk about Must-See TV!

mmmm... Evil Psychotic Vampire Willow lesbian threesome...

JOEY'S A DORK!

Trey shows how to do a whole-blog review by giving a little man-on-man linky-love to Single White Male. First, list the good points:

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He's pretty funny in that dorky way that I like sometimes.

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Then offer some helpful criticism:

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PARAGRAPH BREAKS, MAN! Perhaps I'm a bit liberal with my use of paragraph breaks, but reading on the internet is hard. Long paragraphs make readers go cross-eyed.

Freakin' HUGE pictures. I'm on dial-up. I know that's kind of my own personal problem, but I don't like big pictures on web pages even when I'm at work on the T1.

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Hmmm... a little heavy on the criticism. Apparently Trey missed the freakin' HUGE picture of Joey pointing a shotgun (9/22 CTRL+F "two hands").

Remember folks, if you're goin' to a gunfight, bring a Mossberg instead of CAPITAL LETTERS!

POETRY CORNER

Owen of Boots & Sabers posted one of those "forwarded a million times" e-mails. This one is a lovely poem that supports our troops. Here's a sample:

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I can carry the weight of killing another
or lay down my life with my sisters and brothers

who stand at the front against any and all,
to ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."

"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?

It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget

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Even a grumbly old curmudgeon like me got teary-eyed. Kleenex Alert.

DR TREY ANSWERS

Trey Givens, budding advice columnist, got his first dilemma:

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His answer was by turns practical and amusing. Personally, I'm still leaning toward Commie Hat enema, but sound advice, nevertheless. Here's the first part:

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So if you've got a problem, or you just want to make commies & hippies cry, send your quandry to: advice AT treygivens DOT com.

YES IT DOES (OW!)

The judge's challenge in this week's King of the Blogs tournament was:

Your significant female other asks you, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

How do you respond? Details a Must.

All the answers were excellent, and the results of the tournament should be posted shortly.

Meanwhile, my blogless Beloved Wife answered the question in my comments, and I think it deserves more exposure:

Of course not, but you look much better without the dress on at all

Which is my standard response ;-)

WHERE WAS THE BARTENDER?

That's the mystery that's haunted the blogosphere for the last week. Sure, the Bartender offers some pathetic excuse about "being out of town", but I suspect that may be a euphemism for "got my pants stolen while I was passed out in a Tijuana whorehouse". I think his post title tends to support that theory.

However, Darren of Colorado Conservative has another theory. It not only makes sense, given the good Bartender's drinking habits, it also explains that little Latvian mystery I had a while back.

HANGING OR PRISON?

Owen of Boots & Sabers talks about whether it'd be worth it to take the death penalty off the table for Saddam in exchange for the locations of the WMD.

I'm conflicted on this. I understand how helpful it would be to get the WMD under the control of the Coalition forces. There's a big safety concern.

However, I think I have to come down slightly in favor of the need for Saddam to die. Photodude does an excellent job of reviewing what Saddam did during his tenure as dictator and some Iraqi reactions to his capture, and Saddam's continued wasting of oxygen is a very sore spot with them. Our larger goal in Iraq is to build an island of democratic freedom in the Middle East, and Saddam's death would provide a level of closure for the Iraqis that would greatly assist them in moving on. Saddam in prison would leave a nagging loose end.

Having said that, I'll also say that the safety issue is HUGE, so I wouldn't be particularly upset if Saddam got his plea bargain. And it's not like like the Democrats won't find a negative spin no matter which way the decision goes. Ideally, we'll torture the WMD's out of him and THEN kill him.

HEH. INDEED.

Either the Puppy Blender wants to re-live the challenge of clawing his way up the Ecosystem again, or there's a new blog in town. Dana of Note-It Posts points to a newbie with an interesting take on the War On Terrorism.

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You've heard of the "third rail of American politics," which is widely considered to be Social Security. Straightening that out will require a President, perhaps second term with less to lose, and some legislators with previously unexercised courageous profiles. Otherwise there will be a serious crash or generational clash after a while. This post is not about the third rail that will electrocute your political career if touched, keeping it insular from action. This post posits the war on terrorists as the "toe pick of American politics."

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Ok, part of the reason that I like this is that "The Cutting Edge" is one of my favorite movies, and the "toe pick" scene inevitably makes me giggle.

Anyway, Heh is off to a good start. All it needs now is to add an "about me" post and to enable comments. I recommend Haloscan.

BETTER THE SECOND TIME AROUND

Dan of Dan K. O'Leary's blog entered the New Blog Showcase with his entry that takes a well-deserved swipe at Howard Dean. Now that the trolls have gathered in the comments to drip slime everywhere, he's posted a follow-up which is even better. More passion, more fire, and more quotable.

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You know what else I love, you look back in history for justification in condemning the current president and his policies. In all my studies, I have never seen a clearer case of ethnocentrism. Comparing our COLD WAR support of " friendly dictators" and the WW2 era policies of private enterprises is like comparing apples to rancid feces. We are in a new world of political interaction and world warfare. Noam Chomsky didn't really plan on having airliners slam into our skyscrapers now did he? Where was your savior, the United Nations then? Where were our " allies" when we needed them? We have paid the price of sheepish inaction for long enough.

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Definitely worth a read.

OK I ADMIT IT

Dennis Kucinich isn't a crap weasel.

He's actually Gollum with a bad toupee.

(Drink Alert in effect)

NEW BLOG SHOWCASE, ROUND 2

I'm a little disappointed. I tried voting in the showcase Friday, figuring it would allow me to relax a little for the weekend.

No dice.

I tried using the Bear's patented cut & paste voting code, but for some reason my vote didn't get picked up. So I'll try doing it the old fashioned way:

This one, this one, and this one.

See this post for why I picked 'em. I REALLY hope this works.

ROTISSERIE OF THE VANITIES

Kevin of Wizbang, minguided minion of the Puppy Blender, host of the Bonfire of the Vanities, and all around great guy, has announced that after 2 more episodes at his place, the Bonfire will be hosted on a rotating basis. If you've got some time and a thirst for attention, stop by and drop your name in the hat to host the now-travelling freak show.

Fame, fortune, averted gazes, and social pariah status can be yours for the asking.

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH TOYS FOR TOTS

Don of Anger Management desperately needs a girlfriend, but until then he may have found a way around the prostitution laws, which works out about the same for him:

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Here’s what needs to be done. We pick three books of varying prices – say, ten, fifteen, and twenty dollars. I suggest they be economics texts, or maybe something to do with superstring theory. In any case, guys would buy one of the books, and then find a whore. He’d get his ten, fifteen, or twenty-dollar blowjob, and then hand the whore the book along with the receipt. At the end of the day, the whore could return her books for cash.

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Books for Blowjobs... Hmmm... Catchy name.

Which got me thinking about the, shall we say, "reading list" that would work appropriately for the program. Now, I'm not really into "literature" - "Captain Horatio Hornblower" was all I could think of. Musically, I also thought of Pink Floyd's "Ummagumma" because it sounds like a chick talking with her mouth full.

Thank God for Amazon's Advanced Search feature:

She’s Gonna Blow!: Real Help for Moms Dealing With Anger

Hear the Wind Blow

The Platonic Blow and My Epitaph

Please Blow Me North

Blow the Silver Trumpets

Thar She Blows: Whaling in the 1860’s

Blow in My Spirit

It Blows You Hollow (The New Issues Press Poetry Series)

How to Completely Blow Your Competition Away at Any Audition

Blow Me Down

Suck, Don’t Blow

Suck Up the Purple Buttermilk

Paradise Sucks

What Animals Eat

Power Eating: How to Play Hard and Eat Smart for the Time of Your Life

Eat This...It'll Make You Feel Better!

Gobble, Growl, Grunt

Gobble, Gobble, Munch

Gobble and Gulp

Lightening the Load

Come Morning

My Friends, the Swallows

Swallow the Hook

Stretch, Swallow, & Stare

Earth Swallows Man

Pathology of the Oral Cavity

Hummers

Customer Service Excellence

Clifford Gets a Job

Mouth Organ for Angels

A Miracle in Your Mouth

So... who can tell me how to set up an Amazon Wish List on my sidebar?

TODAY’S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Love is…

Running into her arms,

Colliding with her heart,

And exploding into her soul.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

 

"Charlene season!"

"Wabbit season!"

"Charlene season!"

"Wabbit season!"

ALLIANCE DOO-DADS & WHAT-NOTS

Be careful clicking the links in this week's Filthy Lie round-up, you're likely to flash-fry your retinas

New assignment: Evil Glenn's Christmas (Deck the halls with parts of puppies, Fa-la-la-la-la...)

A triple-shot of late entries for Democratic campaign slogans

Charming Hostess asks: how should we welcome/initiate/torture new Alliance members?

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

MMMM... DONUTS

Great news! Heather of Angelweave is making a run to Dunkin' Donuts! Stop by her comments & let her know what to get for you.

NEW BLOG SHOWCASE VOTES

Pragmatic Conservatism by Dan K. O'Leary: Bush, Saddam, and Howard Dean

Honestly, not so much for the entry (which, although well-enough supported by the facts, still boils down to "Bush rules, Dean drools") as for a) the blogger, Dan, who is an active Alliance member and a pretty cool guy and b) because Liberal goof-balls come trolling along in the comments making off-topic remarks & personal attacks instead of addressing the point of the post.

Belief Seeking Understanding: Monday, November 10, 2003

This post makes a good point, which I hadn't thought of before:

"the moral of the story is "It costs money to not pay attention, because if you go to college, and you go to a college that isn't coveting and actively recruiting people like you, you end up underwriting the education of the students the college is coveting and actively recruiting."

However, I think it would've been better if the author had finished with some suggested action, like "so don't go to a college unless they seek you out." or something. The post just feels a little... unfinished.

patrickspero.com: Howard Dean's "Point"

No matter how hard I try, I just CAN'T take Howard Dean seriously enough to discuss him like he's intelligent human being. All he deserves is cruel mockery. Of which Patrick dishes up a big, steaming plateful. Mheh.

THE PROJECT

(A FILTHY LIE)

I looked at the intelligence reports again. The Alliance was doomed. There could be no doubt about it. Evil Glenn's secret project would eventually destroy all of humanity, the Alliance included.

I'm not a violent man, but half-measures would be of no use in this battle. I armed myself and headed for Tennessee...

2am - Glenn Reynold's house -

The basement lights were on, alternately brightening and dimming in time to the waxing and waning of a loud electric hum.

"Maybe," I thought to myself "I could just cut the power lines. It would buy us enough time to..."

"IT WORKS! IT WORKS!" I heard Evil Glenn shouting maniacally from inside the house.

Crap. Out of time. I had to finish this. Had to get inside the house NOW!

[rattle rattle]

Crap! Door's locked!

"No problem," I muttered, as I drew my Elmer Fudd Memorial Double-Barrel Breech Loading Pump Action Shotgun from under my black leather trenchcoat. "I've got a key"

[BLAM! BLAM!]

Doorknob parts and wooden shards sprayed in all directions from the double-blast. I kicked the remains of the door in and charged into the basement, where I shoved the still-smoking barrels pointedly into the small of Glenn's back.

Harv: I've got you now.

Evil Glenn: Ehhhhhh, (munch, munch) What's up, doc?

Harv: DIE, PUPPY BLENDER!

[click click]

Evil Glenn: Problems?

Harv: Heh. Forgot to re-load... uh,... so... how's everything with you?

Evil Glenn: Pretty good. Carrot?

Harv: No thanks. That's not food, that's what food eats.

Evil Glenn: Suit yourself [tossing carrot stump over his shoulder]. I've been working on this secret project for months, and it's finally finished. You're just in time for the unveiling. Your sorry little Alliance is finished, and I will soon conquer the entire world. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Harv: I already know all about your evil creation. Alliance spies have been watching your house day and night. Our best minds are already preparing counter-measures. Your army of giant robot blenders will never succeed in frappéing America's puppies and hobos!

Evil Glenn: Giant... robot... what the hell are you talking about?

Harv: Don't play dumb with me! Even the New York Times knows about your foul scheme. Here... read this headline.

Evil Glenn: "Robo-Blenders - Key To A Better, Puppyless, Hoboless American Future?"

Harv: See?

Evil Glenn: Dumbass. Read the byline.

Harv: "by Jayson Blair"... aw CRAP!

Evil Glenn: Eh. Don't worry about it. Anyway, like I was saying, I've got this cool secret project, and...

Harv: You mean you're not going to destroy America with advanced blending technology?

Evil Glenn: Nope.

Harv: But you said that the Alliance was finished.

Evil Glenn: Nah. That was just a little diabolical evil genius bluster to get your goat. I'm actually working on more of a... personal project...

Harv: Show me.

Evil Glenn: Well, you know about my little... preference... for females of the avian persuasion, right?

Harv: ...yyyyeahhh....

Evil Glenn: And you know how much I hate Hillary Clinton and would give anything to see her humiliated and degraded, right?

Harv: ...uh huh...

Evil Glenn: And you know how I can't get laid, right?

Harv: yeahhhh... wait. I thought I got you hooked up with Fatty Sue?

Evil Glenn: We broke up. I couldn't afford the cheeseburger bill.

Harv: Ok, fine. So where are you going with this?

Evil Glenn: I've finally solved all three of my problems. Behold! Evil Glenn's Super Dreamy Electric Love Doll!

Harv: oh.... dear... GOD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Evil Glenn: Wanna take her for a spin? Let me clean her out & lube her up for you...

Harv: AAAAAHHHHH!!!! [fleeing up the stairs in horror] Stay away from me you sick, twisted, degenerate bastard! AAAAHHHHH!!!

Evil Glenn [yelling after my retreating form] Lawyer!.... Ah well. To each his own. Now... where were we, my sweet Hillurkey?... Oh, baaaaaby!

Ok, so Alliance Intel was slightly misinformed about the nature of Glenn's sinister project. But the revolting terror of that sight will nevertheless haunt me forever. Evil Glenn must be stopped!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

(apologies and/or hat tip to Little Tiny Lies for the original pic)

TODAY’S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I could do without many things with no hardship.

You are not one of them!

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

 

[Beer can toss  Andy lost  6/20/02]

Matty O'Blackfive's greatest accomplishment since leaving the Army? Winning Timmy O'Toole's Annual Beer Can Toss contest, in which only himself and Andy were participants.

...Oh yes, and his 6 month Blogiversary.

 CANDLELIGHT VIGIL

No updates at Madfish Willie's since Sunday, and I haven't had that little... whatever the opposite of troll is... in my comments lately, either. It's not like him to keep his damn yap shut for 5 minutes, let alone several days.

Has anyone seen the Bartender?

STILL TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT

Emperor Misha I (may his name be forever spoken in reverence) appeared to have enjoyed my Democratic campaign slogans, except for one part, to which he applies the Imperial White Out.

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Joe Lieberman - Because 1 out of 1 GoreBots hate me enough to stab me in the back.

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Plenty more slogans in the comments. Take a look

Now, the only part the puzzles me is how he got to my blog in the first place. My current working theory is that he got here via Erosblog...

What? You thought that only torture took place in the Imperial Torture Chambers? Emperors have needs, ya know.

WHAT THE FRANCE?

My referer logs claim that somebody got to my site via Librenfin (Leftist Big Brother is Watching OVER YOU). I couldn't find the link myself:

Judging from his (her?) blogroll, which includes links to serveral gun manufacturers as well as Kim Du Toit and Ann Coulter, I'm saying that yonder Frenchman is not pleased with the above-cited Leftist Big Brother, and is just an American soul trapped in a European body. Hope he (she?) makes it over here someday. We could use more gun-slingin' cowboys.

YEEEE-HA!

The only bad part is that the site is about written in about 90% French, so I could barely make out anything. Although I think I got this part (December 15, CTRL+F "toutes"):

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TOUTES MES CONDOLEANCES .....

.....Au fan-club de Saddam Hussein ( Aka Le Camp de la Paix / Not in our name et consorts ).

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Here's the Google translated version, which is only about 30% French, and... Kim of the Roof?

HQ STUFF

All kinds of helpful suggestions for effective *snicker* Democratic campaign slogans.

New assignment: What did Saddam say when he was captured?

Matty reminds us where to go for some hot & nasty linky-lovin'. (Remind me to get my smut to the Bartender on time this week.)

I give some helpful advice on how to cast a vote when every entry in the New Blog Showcase sucks.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

GOOD ADVICE

He's not Ann Landers. Heck, he's not even Ned Flanders. But Trey Givens is hanging out his shingle as the blogosphere's newest and most unhelpful advice columnist:

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I'm really fat and it's hard to have sex. What should I do?
[Dr. T. Givens responds] I can only, but prefer not to imagine. You need to eat less, exercise more, and not set your goals so high. Maybe instead of sex you could aim for something less challenging like scrabble. Hang with that until you're ready for more complicated things like the whole base-system that comes with sexual inuendos.

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Got a problem? Need a solution? Ask Dr. T.

Then do anything except what he suggests.

TODAY’S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I love that you get cold when it’s seventy degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend a day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Of course, Susie prefers to think of it as, "aged to perfection, and ready for the Reddi-Wip".

LOOK MA! I'M FAMOUS!

Ok, not really, but I am honored that Nick picked my question for this week's official Judge's challenge at King of the Blogs:

Your significant female other asks you, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

How do you respond? Details a Must.

Answers have been posted. I'll be scrutinizing & criticizing, as well as telling the remaining 3 contestants why their blogs suck like a Hoover Shop-Vac after a Tim Taylor Home Improvement make-over.

MUAHAHAHAHA!

THE POWER!

TODAY’S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

O woman! Lovely woman! Nature made thee

To temper man; we had been brutes without you.

Angels are painted fair, to look like you;

There’s in you all that we believe of heaven,

Amazing brightness, purity, and truth,

Eternal joy, and everlasting love.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



You know that thing they say about Fortune Cookie fortunes? It works with Graffiti Currency, too.

LAST LOSER!

Looks like I've got another trophy for my sidebar. The results are in for the 2003 Weblog Awards, and I came in DEAD FREAKING LAST in the Best Humor Blog category, with a miserable 15 votes out of the more than 5100 cast.

Since I've read Scrappleface, I know that there are 15 people who are incredibly dishonest. Or, more likely, 2 who have way too much time on their hands (Susie, Dana - looking your way).

In any event, I'd like to thank both all the people who voted for me against their better judgments. You folks are great :-)

MAKING THE CONNECTION

I know this sounds kinda tin-foil-hat & black helicopter, but bare with me.

Frank J., of IMAO, the world's funniest blogger (ok, third funniest) suddenly and inexplicably runs out of funny. On the same day, on the other side of the blogosphere, Trey Givens posts the funniest thing I've ever seen on his blog, and it has a suspiciously In My World flavor to it:

**********

Johnny Popo [a police officer]: Hello, citizens!

Fratly types: Wassap, cop-dude!?!

Johnny Popo: We have received a report of burned animal remains on the premises. Do you know if this is true?

Frat Boy Alpha: Yo, Cop-dude. It's, like, totally gnarly. See?

Johnny Popo: That is indeed quite gnarly, gentle citizen. What pray tell led to this grisly scene?

Frat Boy Beta: Whoa! You talk like that Willie Shake-a-stick dude who wrote all those plays that we read in my English 101 class!

Johnny Popo: Blank stare

Frat Boy Gamma: Shut up, 'tarded dude. You're such a homo.

Frat Boy Beta: You shut up, homo dude!

**********

Coincidence? Possibly.

On the other hand, we may be looking at a case of kidnapping and torture. Check it out for yourself & see what you think.

CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES #64...

... has been up for almost a week, and I finally had time today to look around. The best Carnivals have themes instead of just categories, so this one is one of the best ones I've seen. Take a look, if you haven't yet.

My favorite was RossWhite.com with "Ah, Tech Support". Being in customer service myself, the trials of dealing with the incredibly stupid are no stranger to me. But I personally wouldn't have the patience to walk this particularly computer illiterate dunderhead through all the steps that Ross did. I mean, how do you keep from hurling obscenities at someone who's not even familiar with copy and paste? My favorite lines are:

*********

Ross: Did you hit Ctrl + V, as in victory? Or vince?

Unnamed Teacher: Like B as in Boy?

Ross: No, V as in victim.

*********

Teacher didn't even catch that part. *snicker*.

BEST OF ME SYMPHONY...

...is up at Snooze Button Dreams. An interesting notion for a linky round-up: Submit your best post that's at least 2 months old.

I really like the format over there. Post name, blogger's name, blog's name, all laid out in easy-to-read boxes, with a short description of the post underneath.

And plenty of good stuff. For example, I discovered Susie, despite her claims to the contrary, leads an interesting life. Or at least she did before *I* started reading her blog. From way back in June, we have the tale of how one of her teen-age theater worker-drones wound up stuck on the roof of the building:

**********
Apparently our roof has two levels, and the little girl's shoe was on the lower one. Matt jumped down to it, tossed the little girl her shoe, and then couldn't get back up the seven foot wall to the level where the trap door is. So the cashier wanted the trainee to take our ladder upstairs, up a ladder to the trap door, through to the roof, and lower the ladder to the lower roof so Matt could climb up....while we had customers lined up to the street. Nope. No way, Jose.

**********

Of course, Susie's joy in the suffering of the helpless hasn't changed a bit, apparently.

*sigh* Is it any wonder I'm so in love? mmmm... crack that whip and punish me for being bad...

TODAY’S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You will only find one true love in your life

And if you’re lucky

You’ll get to spend the rest of your life with her.

[to which I added]

LUCKY HARV! J

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

 

From the book "Picking Up Chicks for Dummies", page 65:

"This one falls into the category of "cute" techniques. Although it's usually quite effective, it's important to keep in mind that the denomination of bill you use should be inversely proportional to the number of drinks your target has consumed."

DEMOCRATIC CAMPAIGN SLOGANS

Boy, I thought the Dems were screwed before. Now that Saddam's in custody, the whole party has become almost completely irrelevant.

Nevertheless, they have to toss a sacrificial goat on the altar of the 2004 Presidential election, and there are currently 9 demented, twitching ogres eager to throw themselves on the pyre.

Being a loyal American, I want to do my part to help one of them commit political suicide, so here, in accordance with this week's Alliance Precision Guided Humor Assignment, are my suggestions for some Democratic campaign slogans:

Dennis Kucinich - Now that I'm no longer desecrating your dead sons, I'd like to defile your live daughters (link via Frizzen Sparks).

Dennis Kucinich – “Your women, I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters. Sell them to me. Sell me your childrens!”

Carol Moseley Braun - Twice as diverse as Al Sharpton.

Carol Moseley Braun – Vote for me - unless you’re a racist misogynist.

John Kerry - Pardon my French

Howard Dean - Not to be confused with Howard the Duck.

Joe Lieberman - Because Al Gore used to like me.

Joe Lieberman - Don't worry, Gentiles, he'll still let you celebrate Christmas

Al Sharpton - Joe Stalin's politics, Kim Jong Il's hair

Rev. Al - putting "God" back into "God dammit, cracker, you better vote for me!"

Hillary Clinton - You know I can lick Bush. Wait... did that sound dirty? Nevermind.

Hillary Clinton - Now, more than ever. Because by 2008, I'll have died from the syphillis that Bill gave me.

Dick Gephardt – Dick and Jane run for the White House. Run, Dick. Run, Jane. Run! Run! Run!

Dick Gephardt - As Aryan as you wanna be.

Wesley Clark – Riding the short bus to the Presidency

John Edwards – Vote for me or my Klingon hordes will destroy you!

Or they can just go with the all-purpose Democrat slogan:

"It's not fair! Bush never should've won in the first place! Stupid electoral college! WAAAAAAHHHH!"

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

NOT JUST SEMANTICS

Steven Den Beste of USS Clueless has one of the best analyses of war and how to win it that I've ever read. It's about 20 minutes' worth, but it makes a complex subject very understandable.

One of the things that he mentioned that piqued my interest was when he contrasted terrorism and guerilla warfare:

**********

I've written at length about the basic theory behind terrorism here, so I will only briefly summarize it. The strategy is to motivate the uncommitted to join the fight or to support it, and the tactic is to engage in acts against a much more powerful enemy which will provoke reprisals from that enemy. Usually the goal is to cause the enemy to make massive reprisals against the large mass of the uncommitted, angering them. Some of them may then join your cause; many others will at least become more sympathetic to it.

Violent attacks against enemy targets, especially civilian targets, are one way to do that, and that's what most people think of as being "terrorism".

But sometimes, in very special cases, peaceful demonstrations of resistance can win directly by bringing about a loss of political will by the enemy (which is how Gandhi won in India).

That's relatively rare, and is only possible against unusual enemies. Gandhi was able to win because of British sensibilities; if the occupiers had been Russian and the enemy leader had been Stalin, Gandhi's campaign would have been a failure, and Gandhi would have been executed early on without a trial.

What is far more common for successful terrorist campaigns is that they gradually transition into guerrilla war as support builds up. There's a distinct difference between the two. According to the doctrine, terrorist attacks are primarily designed to provoke reprisals, but guerrilla actions are directly intended to harm the enemy militarily. [emphasis mine]

**********

and he comes to this conclusion as to how to label what the Baathist leftovers are doing in Iraq:

**********

All of the preceding discussion is intended to lead up to Wretchard's post about Iraq titled "Follow the Money". Though the insurgency in Iraq has used low level tactics we associate with terrorism, it is in fact a guerrilla operation. [emphasis mine] The attacks are not intended to provoke American reprisals so as to gain sympathy among Iraqi civilians and induce them to join the insurgency or to support it. If anything, Iraqi support for the Coalition has continued to strengthen since the invasion as the Coalition continues to work to try to improve the lives of Iraq's civilians.

The insurgency is rather attempting to engage primarily in classic hit-and-run attacks on Coalition forces or on other foreign bodies, hoping they'll lose heart and pull out. In some cases they've been successful; one bombing attack caused the UN to pull out, and several other NGO's have curtailed their operations in Iraq.

**********

Which made me think of the discussion that's going at Angelweave, wherein a liberal opined:

The bad guys attacking our soldiers are not terrorists--they are guerrillas, engaged in an insurgency.

And Heather's response:

Take your classification of guerillas. I disagree, and I'll take to the dictionary.

Guerilla - A member of an irregular, usually indigenous military or paramilitary unit operating in small bands in occupied territory to harass and undermine the enemy, as by surprise raids. (from dictionary.com).

Okay - suicide bombings - yeah, it fits either way - terrorist or guerilla. You believe one way, and I believe the opposite? Is one of us lying? No, I don't believe so. It's merely semantics.

Well, I guess I'll have to disagree with Heather on the analysis of that single point. The liberal is right - it's guerilla warfare, not terrorism. However, Heather's right the the conclusions drawn by the liberal in question are [my term] blithering asshattery.

Nor are they a direct threat to the American people--or is this an admission that the neo-con's beloved "flypaper strategy" is a failure? I'll further note that we created the current violent environment in Iraq through an illegal invasion and inept occupation.

Regardless, these statements are proof positive that Bush offers only fear to the American people.

Knee-jerk anti-war liberals are funny that way. Even when they finally get something right, they quickly cannonball into the deep end of the short-sighted idiocy pool.

A HAPPY DAY

I was doing the New Blog Showcase Results post at the Alliance, when a happy thing happened to me. I got to put both Ith of Absinthe & Cookies AND Ninjababe of Ninjababe's Ramble in the "voted this week" category.

Why is this such a good thing?

Well, like most people, I don't get around to anywhere NEAR all the places in the blogosphere that I'd like to. I've got a pretty long blogroll and I can't make it longer, because it already takes me the whole day to make it through. But in the course of surfing hither & thither, there are some blogs that, if I see them linked by someone else, I'll go visit, because I know there's good stuff at the other end.

One of them is Absinthe & Cookies. It's got a certain edgy charm to the atmosphere that I find appealing. Not to mention an adorable picture of Ith looking doll-o-liscious in the corner. Plus I found out in the process of poking around tonight that she's recruiting ladies for the "Girls! Girls! Girls!" group blog. I don't have the right equipment, myself, but I've always been very *ahem* supportive of women.

Another is Ninjababe's Ramble. Light-hearted & fun, plus one of the biggest, best, gratuitous cleavage shots I've ever found. YOWZA! Of course, she's got here dangerous side, too. Seriously, don't let her get too close to you with that penis needle. I'm cringing just thinking about it.

Anyway ladies, I just wanted to thank you for voting in the showcase this week. You've made an old man VERY happy.

mmmm... cleavage.

LOVIN' MY BLOG BUDDIES

I swear, I've got the coolest blog-buddies imaginable. Susie & Matt I don't even have to think twice about, the Geekster always has his vote up by the time I make it there all panicky on Sunday afternoon, and Kevin, who has no time to blog at all because of his insanely complicated life, still manages to put in a vote once I remind him that midnight Sunday is fast approaching. I wish everyone I nudged were so attentive.

But here's what else is cool about them:

Susie - she's always full of Christmas cheer, and even when she's feeling low, she's still fascinated by how often I can use my post in a single day. Susie, you're so naughty :-)

Matty O'Blackfive - You thought he was just a drunken Irish paratrooper? Not so. This man is a drunken Irish paratrooper who celebrates Saddam's capture with poetry! He also informs me that Kucinich took down that bullshit video. Oddly, this post was not done in the form of a poem. Therefore I will help:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

The video is gone

But Kucinich is still a fucking crap weasel for ever having it up in the first place!

Physics Geek - thoughtful guy that he is, he's posted a sweet Christmas tale that makes my Grinchy heart grow 3 sizes. He's also posted a picture of Susie taking a break during one of her braless blogging sessions. Sure it's cold in Indiana, but the scenery is just gorgeous.

Kevin of Eckernet - Still fiddling with that "real life" thingy of his, but there's plenty of goodies in his archives. I can't wait until he's got more time for blogging. Meanwhile, here's the Top 10 Reasons Regular Citizens Should Be Able To Own An Assault Rifle:

**********
10) Sometimes you're too mad for just a normal gun.

9) If you see a dozen deer in one meadow, how else are you supposed to shoot them all before they run away?

8) Self-defense sometimes involves "assaulting" a fortress.

7) Keeping control of a fully automatic weapon helps build upper body strength.

6) If we're not allowed to have assault rifles, that will make us mad and we have other guns.

**********

I'll leave the rest for you to go look at on your own.

NEW BLOG SHOWCASE VOTER LINKY LOVE SOURCE CODE

<P><A href="http://nicedoggie.net/">Anti-Idiotarian Rotweiler</A> (537 links) - 4135 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.flyingchair.net/">Flying Chair</A> (174 links) - 3332 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://imao.us/">IMAO</A> (552 links) - 3261 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://blackfive.blogs.com/">Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love</A> (292 links) - 2017 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://annikagyrl.blogspot.com/">annika's journal &amp; poetry</A> (125 links) - 260 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://radio.weblogs.com/0126975/">Bad Money</A> (155 links) - 253 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://coloradoconservative.blogs.com/colorado_conservative/">Colorado Conservative</A> (65 links) - 231 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://silverblue.org/mt">Ramblings of Silver Blue</A> (167 links) - 230 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.patriot-paradox.com/">Patriot Paradox</A> (126 links) - 220 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://debbyestratigacos.blogspot.com/">Being American in T.O.</A> (94 links) - 218 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.taintedbill.com/">Leaning Towards the Dark Side</A> (70 links) - 211 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://inscrutable.news-portal.com/">The Inscrutable American</A> (97 links) - 191 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://practicalpenumbra.mu.nu/">Practical Penumbra</A> (230 links) - 186 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.evangelicaloutpost.com/">the evangelical outpost</A> (149 links) - 186 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://gevkaffeegal.typepad.com/the_alliance/">The Alliance</A> (174 links) - 175 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.pardonmyenglish.com/">Pardon My English</A> (92 links) - 170 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://hallsofmontezumashoresoftripoli.blogspot.com/">From the Halls to the Shores</A> (68 links) - 169 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://ondragonswing.com/journal/gaggle">Absinthe &amp; Cookies</A> (190 links) - 162 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://angelweave.mu.nu/">angelweave</A> (133 links) - 122 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.anenglishmanscastle.com/">An Englishman's Castle</A> (60 links) - 104 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.dogtulosba.com/">dogtulosba, ink. - soapiate of the masses</A> (50 links) - 100 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.whotendsthefires.us/">Who Tends The Fires</A> (113 links) - 94 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.asininity.com/">Judicious Asininity</A> (118 links) - 84 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.realitysvoice.org/blog.html">Five Wasps</A> (56 links) - 81 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.idiotvillager.com/">Idiot Villager</A> (59 links) - 77 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://physicsgeek.blog-city.com/">physics geek</A> (72 links) - 74 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.avguru.net/">AvGuru.net</A> (39 links) - 70 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://s-train.h2cmedia.org/">The S-Train Canvass</A> (66 links) - 64 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.postmodernclog.com/">Le Sabot Post-Moderne</A> (79 links) - 58 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.vrwc.us/">VRWC, Inc.</A> (89 links) - 52 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://leftcoastconservative.blogspot.com/">Left Coast Conservative</A> (142 links) - 47 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.sithoughts.blogspot.com/">Semi-Intelligent Thoughts</A> (71 links) - 44 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.gleefulextremist.com/blogger.html">The Gleeful Extremist</A> (59 links) - 42 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://winceandnod.blogspot.com/">Wince and Nod</A> (84 links) - 39 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.frizzensparks.com/">Frizzen Sparks</A> (54 links) - 36 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://civilization-calls.blogspot.com/">Civilization Calls</A> (56 links) - 35 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.bigredgiant.com/">BigRedGiant.com</A> (55 links) - 34 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.homicidalmaniak.com/">Homicidal Maniak</A> (60 links) - 31 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://grimbeorn.blogspot.com/">Grim's Hall</A> (58 links) - 30 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://curi.us/domain/">curi's domain</A> (59 links) - 30 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.remnetworks.org/~ovrlrdq/mt/">Pinto's Blog</A> (44 links) - 27 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://cavalierattitude.blogspot.com/">Cavalier Attitude</A> (47 links) - 24 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://eleganceagainstignorance.blogspot.com/">Elegance Against Ignorance</A> (73 links) - 20 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://giveblood.blogspot.com/">Single White Male</A> (48 links) - 19 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.ondragonswing.com/journal/ramble/">Ninjababe's Ramble</A> (59 links) - 17 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://irrationalnoise.com/handh.php">Hypocrisy and Hypotheses</A> (63 links) - 17 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://cannon.blog-city.com/">Cannon's Canon</A> (57 links) - 15 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://irreconcilablemusings.typepad.com/">Irreconcilable Musings</A> (58 links) - 15 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.conservativecajun.blogspot.com/">The Conservative Cajun</A> (42 links) - 15 visits/day<BR><A href="http://wasteofbandwidth.net/dseip/ssp">Shameless Self-Promotion</A> (55 links) - 14 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://roxettebunny.mu.nu/">Hoppings of Roxette Bunny</A> (63 links) - 14 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.johnalism.com/">Johnalism.com</A> (39 links) - 11 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://newmaniwhs.blogspot.com/">Newmanisms</A> (57 links) - 11 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://sugarwhitesand.com/">CandyUniverse</A> (89 links) - 3 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://interested-participant.blogspot.com/">Interested-Participant</A> (115 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://eckernet.com/">Eckernet.com</A> (58 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://ripebananas.blogspot.com/">Ripe Bananas</A> (70 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://etalkinghead.com/">eTALKINGHEAD.com: Political Commentary</A> (132 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.newamericanrevolution.com/">The New American Revolutionist</A> (54 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT></P>
<P>&nbsp;</P>

NEW BLOG SHOWCASE VOTER LINKY-LOVE

Anti-Idiotarian Rotweiler (537 links) - 4135 visits/day V
Flying Chair (174 links) - 3332 visits/day V
IMAO (552 links) - 3261 visits/day V
Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love (292 links) - 2017 visits/day V
annika's journal & poetry (125 links) - 260 visits/day V
Bad Money (155 links) - 253 visits/day V
Colorado Conservative (65 links) - 231 visits/day V
Ramblings of Silver Blue (167 links) - 230 visits/day V
Patriot Paradox (126 links) - 220 visits/day V
Being American in T.O. (94 links) - 218 visits/day V
Leaning Towards the Dark Side (70 links) - 211 visits/day V
The Inscrutable American (97 links) - 191 visits/day V
Practical Penumbra (230 links) - 186 visits/day V
the evangelical outpost (149 links) - 186 visits/day V
The Alliance (174 links) - 175 visits/day V
Pardon My English (92 links) - 170 visits/day V
From the Halls to the Shores (68 links) - 169 visits/day V
Absinthe & Cookies (190 links) - 162 visits/day V
angelweave (133 links) - 122 visits/day V
An Englishman's Castle (60 links) - 104 visits/day V
dogtulosba, ink. - soapiate of the masses (50 links) - 100 visits/day V
Who Tends The Fires (113 links) - 94 visits/day V
Judicious Asininity (118 links) - 84 visits/day V
Five Wasps (56 links) - 81 visits/day V
Idiot Villager (59 links) - 77 visits/day V
physics geek (72 links) - 74 visits/day V
AvGuru.net (39 links) - 70 visits/day V
The S-Train Canvass (66 links) - 64 visits/day V
Le Sabot Post-Moderne (79 links) - 58 visits/day V
VRWC, Inc. (89 links) - 52 visits/day V
Left Coast Conservative (142 links) - 47 visits/day V
Semi-Intelligent Thoughts (71 links) - 44 visits/day V
The Gleeful Extremist (59 links) - 42 visits/day V
Wince and Nod (84 links) - 39 visits/day V
Frizzen Sparks (54 links) - 36 visits/day V
Civilization Calls (56 links) - 35 visits/day V
BigRedGiant.com (55 links) - 34 visits/day V
Homicidal Maniak (60 links) - 31 visits/day V
Grim's Hall (58 links) - 30 visits/day V
curi's domain (59 links) - 30 visits/day V
Pinto's Blog (44 links) - 27 visits/day V
Cavalier Attitude (47 links) - 24 visits/day V
Elegance Against Ignorance (73 links) - 20 visits/day V
Single White Male (48 links) - 19 visits/day V
Ninjababe's Ramble (59 links) - 17 visits/day V
Hypocrisy and Hypotheses (63 links) - 17 visits/day V
Cannon's Canon (57 links) - 15 visits/day V
Irreconcilable Musings (58 links) - 15 visits/day V
The Conservative Cajun (42 links) - 15 visits/day
Shameless Self-Promotion (55 links) - 14 visits/day V
Hoppings of Roxette Bunny (63 links) - 14 visits/day V
Johnalism.com (39 links) - 11 visits/day V
Newmanisms (57 links) - 11 visits/day V
CandyUniverse (89 links) - 3 visits/day V
Interested-Participant (115 links) - visits/day V
Eckernet.com (58 links) - visits/day V
Ripe Bananas (70 links) - visits/day V
eTALKINGHEAD.com: Political Commentary (132 links) - visits/day V
The New American Revolutionist (54 links) - visits/day V

DAMN!

The Bartender from Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon kicked me out of the Champagne Room for having sex. Only half of my filthy posts made it into this week's round-up, and he stuffed them "below the fold".

I don't understand. I was only 8 hours late with my submission. Which means the Bartender is either

A) Strict

B) A dick

I don't know whether to pay a poverty-stricken college student $5 to kick his ass, or to start stuffing a little extra cabbage in his tip jar.

Oh well. There's still plenty of adult entertainment to be found at Willie's. For example, Helen of Everyday Stranger tackles one of the oldest debates known to man:

**************

Spit or swallow.

The topic that is the subject of many jokes.

“What’s the difference between like or love?” A: “Spit or swallow.”

“What’s the ideal woman?” A: “One that’s three feet tall and swallows with a flat head to rest your beer on.”

And so on.

**************

Personally, I'm agnostic. Just don't gargle. That's kinda nasty.

JOEY ASKS, I ANSWER

So, Joey of Single White Male wants to know why I wasn’t at the Filthy Lucre concert on December 6? (Dec 9, CTRL+F "filthy")

December 6, 2003, a day that will live in infamy.

The Cricket Pavillion in Phoenix was packed, people were beating each other up at the gates for the privilege of paying $500 for $20 tickets. The mood was wild and festive. Half-naked chicks flinging their bikini tops onto the stage was the order of the day.

Showtime… 7pm… the clock ticks… the hours passes… the crowd grows agitated.

By 7:30 pm, the grumblings started. By 7:35, they were chanting “FIL-THY LU-CRE! FIL-THY LUCRE!”, stomping and clapping, thinking the band was just playing a little joke.

Around 7:45, in desperation, the rest of the band came on stage to raucous cheers & applause. They hoped to make the best of a bad situation, meanwhile praying mightily that I might show up in the nick of time with my incomparable guitar stylings. No such luck.

Joey did the best he could. He must’ve spent at least fifteen minutes yelling “HELLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO PHOENIX!”, but he knew he’d have to launch into “Socialism Sucks” eventually, so he just went for it.

Unfortunately, he’d spent the last 2 hours drinking leftover beer out of any unattended half-empty cup he could find, so he was thoroughly wasted. The lyrics eluded him.

“I love my school… uh, it’s pretty cool…um… you look like a fool…(yeah, that’s it)… uh… my mom just bought a swimming pool… uh…”

Nobody’s sure who threw that first beer bottle, but it caught Joey right smack between the eyes and he hit the stage like a sack of wet laundry.

After that, all hell broke loose. Bottles flew like angry pigeons, and musicians were toppling like Saddam’s statues. Someone started a chair on fire, smoke rose into the night sky, soon people were trampling each other as they headed for the exits.

Chaos reigned. Satan laughed.

Fortunately, the automatic sprinkler system kicked on, and everyone lived the tell the tale of the night that Filthy Lucre f***** them over.

So… where was I?

Look. It’s a long drive from Wisconsin to Arizona. I stopped to ask directions.

Sorry about that, Joey.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that it has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only… Nothing is more real than these great shocks which two souls give each other in exchanging this spark.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Look! It's the ghost of a chance that the Democrats don't stand in 2004!

KING OF THE BLOGS ROUND 1 IS OVER...

And the 3 finalists are:

Tuning Spork of Blather Review

Bryan of Clarity amidst Chaos

The Mystery Monkey of Vigilance Matters

Sorry, Pylorns, I guess you should've been more uppity. I tried.

The judges' opinions are here. If nothing else, go read mine for the entertainment value. Damn I'm funny.

BARTENDER! ANOTHER ROUND!

The eminent mixologist of the Alliance has a lovely series going called the 86 Rules of Boozing. I suspect it was written by Matty O'Blackfive back before his ascension to Spritist deity, but I can't be sure. Meanwhile, here's a few samples:

*********

When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

*********

1-10

11-20

21-30

Oh, and #30 applies equally well to blogging, so no more complaints from the free drinkers in the audience.

Not that anyone ever complains, except the Bartender, who's kind of a dick, anyway.

BYE-BYE

GEBIV of There's One, Only, found a question on Citizen Smash:

If one state had to leave the Union, which one would you miss the least?

Gotta be Texas.

Why? Because of all the states in the Union, Texas is the one I would most trust to set up an independant nation that would respect individual rights. So, if America ever went straight to hell in a Democratic handbasket, I could move to Texas & live like a human being.

By the way, GEBIV is complaining that, although he finally hit the 100 visitor mark, he never gets any comments. Go tell him what a nice shade of green his blog is.

If for no other reason, you gotta love his site for being on Blogspot & having working permalinks.

WHAT THE EMPEROR SAID

Ok, it's not so much what the Emperor said, as it is the quote he pulled:

*********

If this Supreme Court ruling is not completely disregarded by the press -- if it is not the explicit subject of an overwhelming campaign of civil disobedience -- the word "freedom" will have lost all meaning for Americans.

A man is not free because he's permitted to vote for his political masters. The subjects of the late, unlamented Soviet Union enjoyed that "right." So did the subjects of Saddam Hussein.

A man is not free because some portion of his earnings is still his to spend on a variety of attractive goods. Not if the government can punish him for choosing goods it has not approved.

A man is not free because the long arm of the law has not yet descended on his neck. That's more properly called a stay of execution.

A man is free if, and only if, he has the unchallenged right to do as he damned well pleases with his life, his property, and with any other responsible, consenting adult, provided only that he respects the equal freedom of all other men. That clearly includes the right to buy space for a political ad from any newspaper or broadcast organ willing to sell it to him.

*********

This man is right. So if anyone knows where I can spend my money to help buy a criminal political ad next year, drop me a line. I'm in.

I'm breaking this law. It's a piece of shit.

HANNUKAH

I'm "none of the above", religion-wise, but people still wish me a "Merry Christmas" now and again. It doesn't offend me, because I look at the meaning behind the words instead of the form of their expression. Someone is saying that Christmas makes them very happy, and they wish a similar happiness to me. It's not a big deal, it's just a thoughtful courteous gesture.

But I hate being wished "Happy Holidays". The message there is "I don't want to offend you", not "I wish you joy". Which, frankly, I find offensive, because I'm not at all thin-skinned, and I resent the assumption that I am.

All that aside, I do have one Christmas wish that's never been fulfilled. I would like for a practicing Jew to wish me Happy Hannukah. Not because he thinks I'm Jewish, but because the holiday makes him happy, and he wishes a similar happiness for me.

In that spirit, I'd like to wish all my family, friends, readers, and confused passers-by a Happy Snowy-Cold-Day-Off-From-Work!

UPDATE 5PM: As amusing as I find the phrase "Merpy Chriskwanzukkah" (and, God help me, I just might use it at the bank if someone annoys me enough), I'm still waiting for a nice, sincere, Jewish "Happy Hannukah".

Jeez, Barkeep, don't you know any nice Jewish girls you can send my way to give a lonely boy a friendly greeting?

FOR LYNN

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YES!

Saddam Hussein captured.

Screw the old media. The breaking news will be blogged at the Command Post.

By the way, did anyone else notice how sad Dan Rather looks. Makes me just want to punch him.

Shepard Smith of Fox News, on the other hand, was postively GLOWING. Bless that man.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

SUSIE'S IN A RED LEATHER TEDDY, CRACKING A WHIP...

... to try to encourage Alliance members to vote. Meanwhile, Matty O'Blackfive is standing there with a video camera yelling "Submit! Submit! Submit!"

Why join the Alliance? Free B&D.

Anyway, send a link to you best 2+ month-old post to Snooze Button Dreams "Bestofme Symphony" then go vote in the New Blog Showcase, and check your blog-buddies (2 blogs listed above you and 2 blogs listed below you on the Alliance HQ blogroll) to make sure that they voted. And it wouldn't hurt to click their vote links when you visit to make sure they work.

Meanwhile, in other Alliance news:

The "Last Comment" Filthy Lie Round-up has been posted. This time I think the prize goes to CD of Semi-Intelligent Thoughts who got into a ROTFLMAO groove with his answer.

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What secret project is Evil Glenn working on?

And, for the record, I don't know why Susie, thinks I would take it the wrong way when she mentioned Hostess Twinkies. Might have something to do with me telling her that I'd like to put some cream filling in her sponge cake that one time...

Nah.

But honestly, do I REALLY have THAT big of a reputation for being the uber-kinkmeister now?

NOT OVER 'TILL IT'S OVER

In a very personal post, Trey Givens relates the story of how one of his closest personal relationships came to an end. It's well-told, sad, yet instructive, and it made me think about how the commitment of marriage makes a difference in a relationship.

My Beloved Wife and I have had our share of, shall we say, "enthusiastically opinionated discussions", but when it's all said & done, we're still together and we're still in love.

Had we not been married, though, there's a good chance that one or both of us would've called it quits over one issue or another instead of working through it. The difference is that, because we're married, we have a commitment to staying together - period. Quitting isn't an option. With that to guide us, our only option becomes discussing the matter until we find a solution, no matter how long it takes, and no matter how uncomfortable the process is.

Over the years, I've found that most relationship issues boil down to "the way you're acting doesn't make me feel like you love me as much as I think you should." The trouble is that, in the discussion, it usually comes out as "you're doing something wrong - stop it!" Which leads to stubborn debates of "no, I won't" vs. "yes, you will".

The latter discussion only leads to an unsolvable impasse. The trick to maintaining the relationship in good order is to reframe the problem in terms of the real underlying "I don't feel loved" issue. From there, a solution is easier to discover, usually in the form of "I'm not willing to change the particular thing I do that you don't like, but I am willing to do something else to make you feel more loved. How about this instead...?"

Once the solution is implemented, the overall love quotient rises sufficiently to make the original problem fade to relative insignificance.

I'm not saying this is easy. Far from it. Strong emotions have to be set aside in the process, which is exceedingly difficult. I'm just saying that the price is worth the prize.

In Trey's case, I don't know that it would work, anymore. There are certain lines that should never be crossed because they do irreparable damage. When you actually come out and say, in so many words, "I want our relationship to end" or "I want a divorce", that's not something you can talk your way out of later. Personally, I will never use the "D" word in an argument, because I would never hurt the woman I will be spending the rest of my life with like that. I'll stick to lower-level hurtings like screaming and slamming doors. Those you can just pass off as "heat of the moment", and they're easy enough to get over when everyone's calmed down.

But threaten to break the one promise that gives our love strength, depth & meaning?

NEVER.

SADDAM A LIAR? NOOOOOO!

Now I heard the story about the new WMD evidence elsewhere, but Mike the Marine's set-up for it is just priceless. Take you maybe 15 seconds to read the entry without clicking the links, and the mental image is simply lovely.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You are my heart, my soul, and all that I am. I love you more with every breath I take and my love renews every time I think about you. I am glad to have the honor of being yours.

You are my friend, my love, my queen, and the woman I cherish with all the energy that I can draw from my heart.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Sure, it looks like a toll-free number, but Dial-A-Slut actually charges $3.99 a minute, and those women at the other end of the line can't fake an orgasm to save their lives, so don't even bother calling this number...

... er... so I've been told...

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Alone I dare not climb..

With you I reach new heights

COULROPHOBIA

Thanks to Lynn of Reflections in d minor, I now have a name for my pathological dread of child-loving men in make-up clowns.

Now go check the list to see if your personal nightmare has a cool Latin name.

WHERE'S SUSIE?

Trey Givens pointed to an adult-oriented (although lacking nudity) flash video. I swear I saw Susie in there. See if you can spot her. Here's a quote from her that might be a hint:

"tired... from Harvey... adventure"

You should probably stop at Trey's first and read the "not safe for work" warning.

*************

Plenty more where that came from. Definitely worth your time to take a peek.

"SOME GUY IS HERE"

Wait... That's not funny.

Oh yes it is.

See Don of Anger Management to find out why.

HOW MUCH IS THAT FAT MAN IN THE WINDOW?

Absolutely free.

Not a pretty sight, but he's raising money for a good cause. Jed of Boots & Sabers has the story.

BEST OPTICAL ILLUSION EVER

So says Lynn of Reflections in d minor, and I have to concur.

This is NOT an animated gif.

Freaky.

HALLMARKS WORST SELLING GREETING CARDS

From the "forwarded a million times" e-mail file comes this bit from my Blogless Brother Roy:

***************

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. 
       Look at the bright side, it's really good pay. 
 
2. My tire was thumping.  I thought it was flat. 
       When I looked at the tire...I noticed your cat. 
       Sorry! 
 
3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. 
       But don't fret about it...She moved in with me. 
 
4. Looking back over the years that we've been together, 
       I can't help but wonder? What the hell was I thinking? 
 
5.  Congratulations on your wedding day! 
      Too bad no one likes your husband. 
 
6. How could two people as beautiful as you... 
      Have such an ugly baby? 
 
7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. 
      After having met you ..I've changed my mind. 
 
8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... 
       I never believed in Hell till I met you. 
 
9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... 
      That you're not here to ruin it for me. 
 
10. Congratulations on your promotion. 
        Before you go ... would you like to take this knife out of my back? 
        You'll probably need it again. 
 
11. Someday I hope to get married. 
        But not to you. 
 
12. Happy birthday! 
        You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike! 
 
13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. 
         Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. 
 
14. We have been friends for a very long time... 
         what do you say that we stop now? 
 
15. I'm so miserable without you ... 
        it's almost like you're here. 
 
16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. 
         Did you ever find out who the father was? 
 
17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your 
       birthday.  So we're having you put to sleep. 
 
18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! 
                 (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia) 

***************

LAST COMMENT

Tought assignment this week. Find the comment that made Evil Glenn snap.

Well, I had to poke around the Google cache for a while, but I finally found the last date where Instapundit contained comments. Naturally there were about 600 entries, but I think I narrowed it down to a few likely candidates.

Take, for example this entry:

Why do Koreans eat dogs? That's just sick. I'm glad that sort of thing doesn't happen in America.

Indeed.

Which had this comment:

Why are you insulting Koreans? Maybe they're onto something. I mean, have you ever even tasted a dog? Maybe they're yummy. You don't have to eat the whole thing. Just take one little bite and report back. You could even chop it up really fine... or something.

FJ

Or this one:

Although I support President Bush, I still think Communism is a bigger threat than terrorism.

Indeed.

Which had this comment:

All you ever do is bash Commies on your site. Have you ever even read the Communist Manifesto? Why don't you just read one little paragraph from Mao's Little Red Book. You'd be surprised how much you two actually have in common. Who knows? You might actually grow to love him someday.

FJ

Or this one:

I love the homeless. Call them what you will: tramps, bums, hobos, drifters, etc. All I know is that the happiest moments of my life are spent volunteering at the local soup kitchen.

Indeed.

Which had this comment:

Are you nuts? Those filthy scumbags are a pestilence on American society! The world would be a better place if every last one of them were brutally murdered with a hammer.

FJ

Or this one:

I was forced to watch Saturday Night Fever last night. I tell ya, it makes me glad to have given up dancing.

Indeed.

Which had this comment:

I agree. Disco is retarded. But dancing in the 80's was much better. I remember doing this one dance called the Robot. Those jerky moves send a strange sensation through your body. It's like having spiders in your underwear, but somehow it's still quite... stimulating.

FJ

Or possibly this one:

I'm proud to be a Christian. I don't see how anyone could ever worship anything but the one true God.

Indeed.

Which had this comment:

Got Satan?

FJ

So I really don't know what could have triggered Glenn's slide into evil. However, there was one last post. It seemed completely unrelated, but I'll reproduce it here anyway:

I can feel the darkness growing within me. Foul urges take command of my spirit, and my ability to resist is failing fast. It occurs to me how much power I possess, sitting atop the Ecosystem. Why shouldn't I use it for my own benefit? I mean, it's not like anyone has the power to stop me... Yes, I shall let my evil grow and consume the blogosphere. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Indeed.

Followed by the last three comments I found at Instapundit:

You vile, contemptable bastard! You can't just go around crushing other bloggers like bugs! Your evil must be stopped!

FJ

Shut up, vermin! [POW!]

Glenn

OW! You punched me! That does it! I'm raising an army to put an end to your atrocities!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

FJ

That exchange took place many months ago. Since then, Evil Glenn's foul activites have been both numerous and well-documented. It's no use trying to figure out the why & wherefore at this point. The only thing left to do is finish the job we've started, quickly and decisively, without hesitation or mercy.

To arms, fellow bloggers, to arms!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

NEW BLOG SHOWCASE

Anti-Anti War's "The Iraq war will be a success" Optimism about Iraq with historical precedents cited.

KING OF THE BLOGS

The answers to the Host's Challenge, which was:

**********

You are marooned on an island with the rest of the contestants in the King of the Blogs tournament. How would you survive amongst the other contestants, and what strategies would you use to do this? Please explain in detail.

**********

are available for viewing in their entirety here. No bad answers, but some were better than others, entertainment-wise.

Anyway, I got my reviews in, as well as a random blog post review from each of the blogs. Took about 2 hours. Good crop of contestants this week.

Except for Pylorns of WetWired, who's a little uppity.

THERE HE GOES AGAIN

Don of Anger Management is determined to cause trouble around the blogosphere. This time he's brought up the topic of what kind of body shape men prefer on women.

Of course, he tries to blame Candy for bringing it up in the first place (Dec 9, CTRL+F "hooked"), but geez, Don, take a little responsibility here. YOU'RE the one who picked her question out of a long and mostly unrelated post:

***********

I have a question for you guys, mmmm-k? Now, God knows I haven't ever looked like one of these two [women on "The Simple Life"], but I just have to know. Do you really find skin and bones, anorexic women to be all that attractive?

***********

Well, Don gives his answer and proceeds to blah, blah, blah endlessly afterwards, instead of just getting off the stage:

***********

The skin and bones look is a lot like Communism - many guys find it attractive in theory, but in practice, it leaves much to be desired (I, however, am smarter than other guys and realize that skin and bones, like Communism, sucks in practice because it's evil in theory).

Consider that today's defining beauty, Britney Spears, is not of the skin and bones variety...which is as it should be. The perfect woman has a number of assets skin and bones chicks lack: tits, hips, ass, and yes, even a tummy. These features not only look great - but unlike that skeletal concoction of collagen, hydroxy apatite, and osteoblasts - they are pleasing to the touch.

***********

I'll spare you the blah, blah, blah part, although you're certainly welcome to read it for yourself if you've already read all the phone books in your house and can't find anything else to help you sleep.

Anyway, Don, let me show you how it's done. Here's my answer:

***********

Bony chicks - ugh.

For me, I like nice, soft, feminine curves. A Jane-Russell-brand "full-figured-gal". A woman who you look at & think, "mmm... snuggly"

Most important - she's gotta have the kind of round, girly-hips where, if you're slow-dancing with her, you've got a place to rest your hands.

***********

And now the post ends.

Hope you were taking notes, Don.

TERRORIST WHACKIN' MUSIC

In the comments to this post at Alliance HQ, someone posted a link to a terrorist whackin' song called "Let's Stand Up For America", which you can download for free as a 3.3 MB Mp3 file.

Personally, except for a rather nice guitar riff that shows up about 1/3 the way in and again toward the end, I found the music a little too much on the dank & heavy side for my tastes. And they did something funky to the vocals that wasn't really my style either. Then again, that's just me, and if your tastes run toward the grungier side of hard rock, you might actually enjoy it, so give it a try.

MY LOVE, MY LIFE, MY INSPIRATION, MY WIFE

"So", you may ask, "who is this fabulous woman who inspires you to keep posting love notes every single day? She must be something really special..."

I have to agree.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Through all the shadows of doubt, there is one thing I know for certain: I can't live without you.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



[Brians Lucky.  if you get this dollar then his luck has ran out.  So maybe it will bring good luck to you]

For example, you might NOT get torn apart by an angry albino gorilla like Brian did when HIS luck ran out.

(Thanks to the nameless host of Vigilance Matters for finding this one for me).

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Together we’re in this relationship

We built it with care to last the whole trip

Our true destination’s not marked on any chart

We’re navigating the shores of the heart.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Look, Matty, I don't mind that you're writing down the nuclear missle launch codes instead of memorizing them, but FOR GOD'S SAKE will you please stop leaving them in the Bartender's tip jar?

BONFIRE, BONFIRE, BURNING BRIGHT, IN THE FOREST OF THE NIGHT

Kevin's set the woods ablaze with yet another stench-fest Bonfire of the Vanities.

Now, I always thought the rules were pretty self-explanatory. Send your worst post in for mockery. But some folks just aren't very clear on the concept of "suck". Like Brian of Resonance, who's trying to get voted Best Flappy Bird in the Blogger Awards. His platform is clear, concise & literate. Not to mention amusing.

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

On the bright side, it makes everyone else look even crappier by comparison, so maybe it's a good thing.

Now over here at Phelps, we have something disturbing and creepy. Made all the worse by the strong resemblance it bears to my Blogless Brother Tom.

Now THAT sucks!

MAKING IT BETTER

Ok, I've got the cure for Susie's bad-day-blues.

A little topping.

A little bottoming.

Enjoy, Susie.

SINCE YOU ASKED

homicidalManiak posted a very nice "about me" post and then finished by asking if there was anything else I wanted to know.

Well, hM, since you mentioned boobies earlier, I suppose I AM curious about bra size. Strictly for fantasy-scripting purposes, you understand.

I'll either get slapped or get an answer. Either way, I guess I'll enjoy it.

Cool. Another Champagne Room entry.

ANCIENT SWEDISH SECRET

My grandfather escaped from Sweden in 1883.

He brought with him with some fine traditions including some spiritual beliefs which are among the few that don't conflict with my atheism.

When I tell people I'm an atheist, they always get this funny look on their faces, and usually come back with something like, "You don't believe in ANY sort of God at all? You've gotta be KIDDING! Surely you believe in SOMETHING?"

Wellllll... I *do* believe I'll have another drink...

Which is the basis of Spritism, which I learned from my late grandfather and/or the US Navy.

I'm not sure where the Bartender from Madfish Willie's learned to practice Spritism, but he's pretty accomplished in the art.

He's also got a list of every fellow-practictioner in the blogosphere, which he wittily presents in the form of an expository essay on what Spritism is all about.

So go see the Bartender, learn a little bit about how drinking can help you attain enlightenment, and enjoy one of the best link-fests ever assembled.

While you're over there, please pay attention to who is the MASTER of the Spritist arts.

Go *hic* Navy!

Oh, and if you're wondering why the blogosphere's quintessential imbiber, Matty O'Blackfive isn't listed at the most advanced level instead of me, it's because he long-ago reached enlightenment and transcended to a higher plane of alcohol consumption. Spritists only speak of his legend in whispers, and hope that someday we, ourselves, might attain similar status with enough devotional practice.

MORE ON THE CRAP WEASEL

The Emperor liked my note to Kucinich.

Aw shucks.

But I liked his string of obscenities better. I tell ya, I NEED to hear more stuff like this.

Which is why I'd like to thank Matty O'Blackfive for 2 things:

1) He takes his own well-timed shots at this abomination and

2) In the comments to that post, there is a reasoned response to the Kucinich atrocity, that calmly lays out the reasons why the producer of that video ought to be ashamed of himself. 

I could never stop howling cuss words long enough to write anything like that myself, but if I could, that's what I'd like to be able to say, and it's so well-written that I enjoyed it even as much as the righteously obscene invective that I'm seeing in other places. I highly recommed reading it. Here's a sample paragraph:

*******

Perhaps you don’t understand the concept of service and sacrifice. Perhaps you do understand it, but are so selfish that you resent it in others. Or perhaps you just don’t really give a damn one way or the other. But, what is a certainty is that you enjoy inciting people using the honored dead for your own political gain, and that doesn’t require armchair psychology to judge. Even if you really believe in the merit of your point, somewhere inside of you, you know that what you’ve done and continue to perpetuate, is profoundly wrong. You cannot measure the means that you have chosen against the ends of what you feel is important. If you cannot make your political point elegantly, then so be it, but it is deeply wrong to invoke the silent voices of the dead and try to puppeteer them to your own designs because you lack the moral or intellectual edifice upon which to construct a valid argument. Deeply, overwhelmingly wrong.

*******

Oh, and if the Heather who wrote that (not the Angelweave Heather, who is currently in treatment for an eggnog addiction... or something) has it posted on a blog somewhere, someone please let me know so I can give it direct linkage.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

The Precision Guided Humor Round-up is available for viewing. Graumagus just blew my mind with his entry, but the general level of quality is unusually high this week, so check 'em all.

New assignment:

Write one or several campaign slogans for the Democratic Presidential hopefuls.

I've already got Kucinich's:

"Vote for me because I'm a fucking crap weasel!"

HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW

I love it when people write things that make me go, "huh... How come I never thought of that?"

Via Matt O'Blackfive, Feste of Fool's Blog makes an excellent point on the stupidity of the "there's no plan for post-war Iraq" meme:

*********

*********

Wish I would've written that.

CRAP WEASEL UPDATE

From the comments to this post, Jessica of Miniluv informs me that the asshole who made the Kucinich video has a prior history.

RESOLVED

Now that Kofi Annan has died in a tragic hair-drying accident and I have been elected Secretary General of the UN, I am proposing the following resolutions:

#1625 The French will henceforth bathe with both soap AND water

#1626 All terrorists will wear Where's-Waldo-style stripey shirts for easy identification. You, too, Kucinich, you f'n crap weasel.

#1627 The UN Building will be closed down and re-opened as a Super Wal-Mart. All UN offices and equipment will be relocated to a whorehouse in Brussels

#1628 Upon entering the UN Building, all delegates will bitch-slap the Ambassador from France. After all delegates are seated, the French Ambassador will favor us with his rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot"

#1629 All leaders of nations NOT among the "Coalition of the Willing" will kneel before an American flag every day at 8am to give thanks to whatever deity they may worship that the US hasn't yet nuked their terrorist-coddling asses

#1630 Kim Jong Il WILL stop by Supercuts before the end of the day, or face re-coiffing from the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" crew

#1631 Misha I will be crowned Emperor by his own hand, and the world's population will take an oath of fealty lest they incur his Wrath O'ClueBat.

#1632 Kyoto = no mo'

#1633 The rainforests jungles of Brazil will be clear-cut and the entire country paved over as a parking lot for the world's largest indoor shopping center - The Mall of the Americas

#1634 Anyone who attempts any terrorist act will be dressed in red buttless leather chaps and turned loose in a San Francisco bath house wearing a "no Vaseline required" T-shirt.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

True love is the greatest thing in the world…

Except for cough drops…

Everyone knows that.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Mike Tyson: 2010.

FAVORS & PAYBACKS

homicidalManiack discovered my mysterious hidden link on Gnome-girl (see comments to previous post). So I figured I'd post some thank-you linkage, ("shouldn't be hard", I thought, "EVERYONE'S got something cool"). Well, no shortage of coolness, but a shortage of a blogger name. Hmmm.

Even worse, a shortage of an "about me" post. Darn.

Even worse, worse, a shortage of self-referential, gender-specific pronouns. Uh-oh. Blog-boy or blog-girl?