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Bad Money
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Saturday, January 31, 2004
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POKING THROUGH TECHNORATI
Just for fun, I checked my links at Technorati, and discovered a blog linking to me that I'd never heard of before. Dave's Not Here by, well, Dave.
He's currently working as a civilian contractor in Iraq, helping to
pick up the mess Saddam spent 30 years making. There's some computer
work involved, but mostly he spends his time checking the strength of steel I-beams. If they're stronger than his head, they pass inspection.
Enough intro. What I REALLY want you to see are the pictures he posted of Baghdad International Airport (formerly Saddam's HellMouth). The place is quite visually stunning. I guess we know where the oil-for-food money went now.
Oh, and Dave, a suggestion, if I may. Please give the full title of the
acronyms you use at least once in each post for the benefit of readers
who are not familiar with your line of work. Always keep the new reader
in mind. Alternatively, you might consider having an "acronym glossary"
post linked in your sidebar that you could update from time to time.
But it's your blog, so it's your call. Either way, nice place ya got there.
posted by Harvey at 9:59:54 PM permalink HOME
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JOEY STRUGGLES THROUGH ADVERSITY AND...
...Hits a freakin' HOME RUN with his first political cartoon (Jan 30, CTRL+F "comic"). I tried to tell him that I LMAO'd, but his comments gave me the cold shoulder.
Put down your beverage & check it out.
Now if only he could get that Single White Male MT blog working...
posted by Harvey at 8:55:22 PM permalink HOME
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OHHHHH! NOW I UNDERSTAND
Million-times forwared e-mail from Blogless Brother Roy explains what those bra-sizes stand for:
A - Almost boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can't complain
D - Dang
DD - Double dang
E - Enormous
F - Fake
G - Get a reduction
H - Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up
posted by Harvey at 5:23:19 PM permalink HOME
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GOTTA REMEMBER THIS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
Million-times forwarded e-mail from Blogless Brother Roy:
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of
her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then
took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in
the park: the DeathSlide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme
park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right
away, they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered a Happy
Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was
off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her favorite candy, M&M's. What
a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled
home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his
precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like
being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening,
he's going to get it wrong.
posted by Harvey at 5:16:56 PM permalink HOME
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TEMPLATE TWEAKS
Very minor. I added some stuff to the sidebar. Two of which are actual quotes about me.
Vigilance Matters had that reaction after I judged his sorry ass in the King of the Blogs Tournament. It was meant as a compliment, and I wear it as a badge of pride.
Ted of Rocket Jones spit his quote out in Susie's comments
after I had left yet another of my typically charming, yet crudely
suggestive comments there. It's probably a compliment of some sort. At
any rate, it's as accurate as a sniper's bullet.
Down a bit further, I finally got around to adding the King of the Blogs judge/participant javascript. Gee, I've only been judging there for about 2 months now. About time I found 5 freakin' minutes to get this taken care of
Now I'm off to go muck about in the meat world for a bit. Bills to pay & whatnot.
UPDATE (1-31, 4:25pm): I also added a reciprocal link to Blogwise. Does anyone actually go there?
posted by Harvey at 3:22:20 PM permalink HOME
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Friday, January 30, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Because of what you are, you are essential to my happiness.
posted by Harvey at 11:07:19 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[REMEMBER - you suck!]
Although there's nothing inherently
wrong with buying yourself a stupid hooker in order to save a little
money, you still might want to take the precaution of reminding her not
to take "blowjob" literally.
posted by Harvey at 11:05:24 PM permalink HOME
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GLENN'S CHILDHOOD PICTURES
(A FILTHY LIE)
I thought this assignment
was going to be easy. That idiot Reynolds STILL hasn't bothered to
install a firewall on his computer, so hacking in was a piece of cake.
Strolling through his files, the My Pictures folder was an easy find.
Although I'd hoped to find a straight-on full-face childhood shot of
him so I could recognize him when I go back in time to stop him from
becoming Evil Glenn the Puppy Blending Dark Overlord of the
Blogosphere, I had no such luck.
But my efforts were not wholly unrewarded. I did get a glimpse of the young Glenn, and some tantalizing clues as to possible causes of his later corruption.
The root causes of his hobo-hatred probably stem from a difficult childhood. Frequently despondent and often penniless, the young vagabond Glenn
lived among the hobos, but was never truly content to do so. He
probably blamed them for his early pain and set about taking his
vengeance upon them.
The hard years of his youth, and the malnutrition that frequently
accompanies poverty, interfered with Glenn's physical development,
causing him to become freakishly deformed. However, with the help of a sympathetic vampire, he became a member of the undead.
Although somewhat troubled by the loss of his soul, he was pleased that
his complexion finally cleared up. For some reason, though, women would
still run away, screaming, at the sight of him.
With no love to call his own, he must have recalled one of the few
happy days of his youth that he'd spent at the local zoo, where he
first laid eyes on a penguin. Here he can be seen, clearly stunned and transfixed at the lovely sight he beheld.
So shapely. So graceful. In his teens, however, that early, innocent
love degenerated to a sick lust. In this picture, note the position of
his hands as he desperately clutches as his first artificial lover.
As to puppies, I don't know the exact trauma that first caused Glenn to think of them as sustenance instead of playful pets. I do know that it must have been shortly after birth, possibly even in the womb. Even in this photo, where he's probably not even a year old, his hunger for things canine is dreadfully obvious. As he matured, he, like most primates, learned to use tools. His first tool of choice was a single, non-whirling blade. Later, possibly because chewing all that ropy dog-flesh hurt his fangs, he experimented with beverages. Here we see an early attempt to make puppy tea. Eventually he found his modus operandi, and the made the blender his tool of choice.
Having glimpsed several views of Evil Glenn's early life, I am filled with nausea and loathing. However, considering how truly horrifying some of his other early hobbies were, I'm almost relieved that he took up puppy-blending.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:21:19 PM permalink HOME
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Thursday, January 29, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
If I gave you flowers as often as I thought of you, the world would be covered in roses.
posted by Harvey at 10:58:04 PM permalink HOME
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RESPECTFULLY SOLVING DIFFERENCES
Beloved Wife showed me this actual course description for a Diversity Workshop:
This workshop explores diversity
using a common sense approach based on respect. Emphasis is placed on
identifying and acknowledging differences and similarities and their
impact on interpersonal and group interactions. Participants will
engage in conversations and activities aimed at increasing awareness
and sensitivity to ways in which difference matters.
This sounded familiar, and I racked my brain trying to think of where
I'd seen this paradigm illustrated briefly and succinctly before...
... Then I remembered... the cable version.
posted by Harvey at 8:18:54 PM permalink HOME
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I HATE STUPID PEOPLE
Maybe I should re-phrase that. What I ACTUALLY hate is the socially-sensitive-but-mentally-challenged.
I'll try to explain. When two people are within a certain physical
distance, there arises in some minds a sense of social pressure to
engage in conversation. If you're close enough to touch someone, you
should probably be talking, or so goes the theory in some circles.
Casual conversation? I can take it or leave it. Usually leave it. But I don't mind it if people want to chat, as long as they can come up with something at least moderately interesting to chat about.
What I simply CAN NOT STAND are the people who are tuned in just enough
to realize they are (theoretically) within "I should say something"
distance, but haven't the wit or creativity to spout anything but the
dullest, tritest, stale-by-the-second-telling catch-phrases.
For example, I work with a guy who, if you trip his social perimeter
alarm, will fall back to his standard recording of "What's the good
word?"
One of my regular customers answers my "How ya doin' today" with "I'm doin'!"
Another one answers my "How's it goin'" with "It's gotta go."
And another one answers "Anything else I can do for you?" with "I hope not"
It's like they know they need to respond quickly and creatively, but possessing only a drunken poodle's intellectual acuity, they settle for the first idiot phrase that pops into their mushy, addled skulls.
Drives. Me. Nuts.
A similar breach of etiquette is often performed by these "too close -
must talk now" idjits when you end up next to them at the urinal. When
I've got Mr. Happy in my hand, the LAST damn thing I want to do is chat
about the weather, or work, or anything else for that matter. All I
want to do is deflate the pigskin & get the hell out. If I want
stimulating conversation, I'll call 1-900-HOT-TALK.
Which brings me this post by Jess of Appropos of Something (via Carnival of the Vanities #71).
Seems it's not just my co-workers who don't have the decency keep quiet
when the hose is in hand. The problem goes all the way to the US
Senate.
I suppose I should just be grateful that my stories never end like his.
posted by Harvey at 7:55:09 PM permalink HOME
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SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
I've seen a couple pictures of possible long-lost twins to John Kerry. The Command Post suggests that it might be Snow Miser. J of Quibbles & Bits puts his money on Herman Munster.
Me? Well, Steve of Little Tiny Lies thinks that Kerry has been having some Botox treatments to freshen up his appearance. He points to the some before & after pictures that Drudge put up.
See that picture under the word "after" (the upper left of the three)?
Pure Odo.
posted by Harvey at 7:26:01 PM permalink HOME
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SCREAMING BROKE
Reid of PhotoDude suggests that Howard Dean's campaign won't have enough cash to make it past the next set of primaries on Feb 3, and he's got numbers to back it up.
Interesting.
I hope he's wrong. Dean was a comedic genius and I'd hate to see him go.
posted by Harvey at 7:15:04 PM permalink HOME
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CAN THIS BABE SWING A HAMMER, OR WHAT?
LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands Alone takes exception to the Commisar's 10 Rules of Blogging.
What am I saying? She IS the exception.
And bless her cheesy little heart for it.
But I have to discuss #7:
7. Identify your sex.
Sure, and would you like to know
what color undies I have on? What my mom's middle name is? What time I
go to work so you can case the joint and swipe my teakettle collection?
Good writing doesn't have to show you I.D. Do you read with your balls or your eyes?
Re: First question: "Yes, please, very much so."
Re: Last question: "uh...wellllllll..."
posted by Harvey at 7:08:30 PM permalink HOME
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CUT HIM! CUT HIM GOOD!
Since Heather of Angelweave is the PeTA whackin' queen (or biting, as the case may be), I must admit that I was surprised that I ended up hearing this bit of PeTA news from Kevin of Wizbang. Apparently the PeTA peckerheads have hoisted a particularly tacky billboard near Richmond.
Personally, I think it's kind of funny in an Itchy & Scratchy kind of way.
Of course, the real reason you should click the link is that, in the comments, the Evil Puppy Blender weighs in under an assumed name.
posted by Harvey at 7:03:15 PM permalink HOME
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TERESA ROCKS
Why? Lots of reasons. For instance, she gets cool letters from her son who wrote about things he learned in boot camp. I'll tell you 2, you've got to go to Technicalities for the rest:
why they are called "FIRE ANTS"
guns are cooler in person
Other great things include that she's a Corner of the Bar Babe. Which, I think, means that I can start making passes at her now.
Plus, in her spare time, she likes to spam her own inbox...
... Which only SOUNDS dirty.
posted by Harvey at 6:58:34 PM permalink HOME
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I GOTTA ASK FOR STUFF MORE OFTEN
Ever wonder about hM, the woman behind the homicidalManiak hatchet? I sweet-talked her into posting a pic. You can thank me later.
The only thing sexier than a beautiful woman holding a guitar is a beautiful woman holding a gun.
I suppose we could always max out the happy-meter by giving hM this guitar.
posted by Harvey at 6:53:53 PM permalink HOME
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WHEN DUCT TAPE WON'T FIX IT...
...You can at least take some solace in Heather of Angelweave's fine short poem on things that have been broken recently.
And if the poem doesn't do it for ya, then you can always just stop by
the comments to that post & tell her what's broken in your life.
You'll feel better for the sharing.
posted by Harvey at 6:51:24 PM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, January 28, 2004
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NOW THIS IS A CURRENCY FREAK
Ok, I thought I had a touch of "dollar bill OCD", but this guy, who I found out about via an e-mail from the musariffic Brian J. Noggle, has swan-dived into the empty swimming pool of weirdness.
"Where does
a dollar go? Send me a postcard. ddB, Rte. 1, Box 282, Highlandville,
MO 65669. Have a great day!"
What would you
do if you saw this note written on the back of a dollar bill? Would you
respond, like the note asks, with a postcard to "ddB"?
So far, some
3,500 people have answered Dean Bracy's question about a dollar's travels.
They've not only sent postcards but letters, photographs, mementos, catalogs,
business cards, religious tracts and even a seed packet.
... but then again, I can't help having a certain sneaking admiration.
I used to think photo-mosaics were stupid, but over time, I've come to
realize that there is a
certain degree of artistic talent required to create one, so I'll give
him credit for not being a complete loon. And the more I think about
it, the more I'd like to see one of his "special dollars". It's a pity
the dumbass wrote his message on the BACK, where it can easily be
missed.
At any rate, if anyone spots one of these babies, give me a holler and/or a picture.
posted by Harvey at 10:13:58 PM permalink HOME
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9 SIMPLE QUESTIONS
Tiffany of Blown Fuse is helping a friend who has to conduct a survey
for a college class. 8 yes/no questions & 1 multiple choice on the
topic of marriage. Takes about 3 minutes & you will be rewarded
with Tiffany's eternal love.
Go forth and rescue the damsel in distress, lest you be eaten by a grue.
posted by Harvey at 10:09:00 PM permalink HOME
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FRENCH ASSISTANCE
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
In a US Army camp on the outskirts of Baghdad, Private John "Lucky"
Lukowski, frustrated by his inability to complete his assigned duties,
seeks the assistance of his Sergeant, William "Rocky" Stone…
Pvt: Look, Sarge, I understand the importance of Operation Useful Frenchman, but I really don't know if this is going to work.
Sgt: Lucky, we've got our orders. The President decided that, in the
interests of getting France to shut the f*** up, we'd give them
something to do in Iraq that didn't pose a security risk. The President
told the Generals, the Generals told the Lieutenants, the Lieutenants
told the Sergeants, and then I told you: "Keep the damn Frogs busy."
The shit has followed standard operating procedure and rolled downhill,
right into your lap. I'm counting on you to make it happen.
Pvt: It's not that I'm not touched by your faith in me, Rocky, but it just doesn't seem to be working out.
Sgt: Son, I really hate to hear an American fighting man tell me that a
job can't be done. Don't tell me you've just been sitting on your ass
the last couple weeks? You submitted a list of tasks you thought Pierre
& Co. could accomplish, I approved it, and you've had complete
freedom to make it happen. Maybe you better tell me what's been
happening. Let's start with this first item... Building a baseball
diamond?
Pvt: Yeah. I thought maybe if the Iraqi kids learned about fun American customs like baseball, they might grow to love us.
Sgt: I really liked that idea. Putting the French to work spreading American culture. The sweet, delicious irony. What happened?
Pvt: Well, since the Whiteflaggers don't know anything about baseball, I thought I should have 'em practice with with the chalk line marker cart to make sure they could walk 90 feet in a straight line.
Sgt: Good thinking. Where'd they practice?
Pvt: Boom-Boom Alley.
Sgt: WHAT? You had them walking through an un-cleared minefield?
Pvt: You TOLD me to!
Sgt: [whacking Lucky upside the head] Damn it, Lucky! I told you "Zoom-Zoom Alley", the air-to-ground live-fire range! No wonder the Air Force has been riding my ass about not having enough targets!
Pvt: Sorry 'bout that. But on the bright side, the minefield is pretty
much cleared now, and the local vultures have never looked so fat and
sleek.
Sgt: I'm sure the Audubon Society will be thrilled… How 'bout this next one... War criminal search & rescue?
Pvt: My theory is that dictators and their hump-backed henchman aren't the most creative folk in the world, so we're looking for the last 13 in the same sorts of places that we found the others.
Sgt: Interesting theory. Which means... what, exactly, in practice?
Pvt: Well, I was going to have the Soap-Dodgers peek in every septic tank in Baghdad…
Sgt: What happened?
Pvt: First time out, we popped the cover on a poop pit, and ol'
Jean-Luc-Pinhead shouted "cuisine à la maison!" and dove in head first.
Drowned pretty quick, but he seemed to die happy.
Sgt: And you just lost the one?
Pvt: More like one hundred. It
was almost spooky how they just jumped right in, one after another. It
was like watching a pack of hippies stampede over a cliff into the sea.
Sgt: You mean lemmings.
Pvt: Yeah, lemmings. Sorry. Just a bit of personal fantasy there.
Sgt: Oh well, as long as there's a few less Snail-Snappers in the
world… So how about this other one… Assist local farmers with animal
husbandry chores?
Pvt: I really thought we had a winner with that one. Seems the local
farmers are experimenting with artificial insemination techniques in
their goat herds. I figured the Stinky Pierres would make great barnyard animal masturbators.
Sgt: Having known a few French women, I have to agree that I can't
think of anyone more qualified to bring a smelly, hairy animal to
orgasm than a French man. How'd that work out, Lucky?
Pvt: They took to it like fish to water. I haven't heard happy-animal noises like that since Howard Dean's Iowa speech, but…
Sgt: But? But what? I thought you said they were good at it?
Pvt: Yeah, well… they didn't just use their hands…
Sgt: Not just their…Oh... I see… Well, I suppose as long as they spit…
Pvt: Swallowed.
Sgt: Hmmm... So I guess the Iraqi farmers are pretty pissed about the whole thing?
Pvt: Actually, not so much. A lot of the farmers had video cameras, and
what with internet connections becoming more and more common around
here, I'm thinking Paris Hilton isn't going to be the #1 Google hit for
"skanky sex" much longer.
Sgt: You're probably right. Well, Lucky, I'm about sick of these
pants-wetting rifle-droppers. Maybe you should take the rest of 'em out
on Septic Patrol. Tell 'em we found an underground restaurant that
makes it just like momma.
Pvt: With pleasure, Rocky.
Sgt: And Lucky?
Pvt: Yeah, Sarge?
Sgt: SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 8:25:53 PM permalink HOME
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ON SPELLING ERRORS
If you see a spelling error in someone's post, what should you do? Dana suggests that it's probably best to send an e-mail, rather than mention the errors in the comments.
I agree with her in principle that discretion is a blessing, but in practice,
I find myself being a comment-corrector. Part of it is that I do a lot
of blog reading from work, and I don't want to use my work e-mail for
blog-related discussions. I could
fire up my Yahoo mail, but our work computers are painfully slow. And
even if I have Yahoo handy, there's still the time I have to spend
making it clear which post I'm talking about: "In your 1-27 post
"Monkeys are Eating My Brains", you spelled monkeys as "mookeys" in the
third paragraph."
If I put my observations in the comments, it's immediately obvious
which entry I'm referring to, so it's a little faster for me.
I don't do a lot of
spell-checking. Most of the time I knew what the author meant, so I
assume most other people will be able to figure it out. About the only
time I really spell-check is reading a Quibbles & Bits
story, because a typo will tend to kick me out of whatever happy-buzzy
place I've gone to while I'm reading his piece. His writing is too good
to have the narrative flow interrupted by the bad fortune of a mis-hit
key.
Oh, and I ragged on Trey recently, but that's mostly because he once made a big fuss over the importance of proofreading your entries.
Short answer: Dana's right - use e-mail.
But if you must use comments,
be nice. Unless it's funnier not to, and the person you're correcting
has a sense of humor where you're concerned.
posted by Harvey at 7:49:50 AM permalink HOME
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Tuesday, January 27, 2004
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GEEK STREET CRED
In the comments to this post, Brian (see J. Noggle, Musings from)
questioned my geek credibility. In an effort to reaffirm my geekdom, I
offer, verbatim, the Prime Directive, from the Star Trek original
series episode "Bread and Circuses":
No identification of self or mission.
No interference with the social development of said planet.
No references to space or the fact that there are other worlds or more advanced civilizations.
Word.
posted by Harvey at 7:53:12 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
...How did I ever end up with you? I think fate must have gambled with
destiny and I won. I didn't have to question my love when we first met,
my heart already knew. I think that I must have lived an entire
lifetime in the moments that I was waiting for you. I do not know what
the future holds for us, but I trust you to take me where you want it
to go. Wherever you lead, I'll follow. I don't regret one thing that
has happened in my past. Every road I went down was one I had to take
to get me to you...
posted by Harvey at 7:05:32 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[St. Lazerth - Anyone who Receives this bill will be Blessed with a Lot of Money if They Write this saying on 10 other Bills]
Next time try using St. Amway, the patron saint of marginally successful pyramid schemes.
posted by Harvey at 7:02:03 PM permalink HOME
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YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE
To the five, yes FIVE different people who stood in front of my teller
window today, putting forth a hideous wall of reeking cigarette, stale
booze, and/or farm-animal by-product stench and performing numerous
banking transactions, while I gagged helplessly on your revolting funk:
WILL YOU PLEASE F****** BATHE?
Thank you.
posted by Harvey at 6:50:18 PM permalink HOME
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STALKING LESSONS
Ever had one of those REALLY annoying people that just keeps buggin' ya
& buggin' ya? Maybe some over-zealous boyfriend-wanna-be who JUST
isn't tuning in to your "get lost" vibe"? Well, this problem is more
easily solved than you might think. Just hand your cell phone to Don of
Anger Management and say bye-bye to stalker-guy. Don't believe me? See for yourself.
God, I love the way this story keeps getting better as you go along. Just when you think it's over...
posted by Harvey at 6:35:21 PM permalink HOME
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MORE, PLEASE
J of Quibbles & Bits has started yet another of his superbly crafted tales.
It's about a 5 minute read, but it feels like 30 seconds. What I like
about this one is how smoothly, quickly & seemingly without effort,
J. establishes mood and character:
Natalie touched the soft fur,
stroked it, but the kitten did not move. She felt the hot tears on her
cheeks, and was ashamed. At eleven, she considered herself a grown up
girl, and crying was not allowed. She might hear Natalie crying.
Natalie cried anyway.
Jasper was dead.
He wasn't her first pet to die --
she'd lost two hamsters and a guinea pig - but this was different. This
was Jasper. She hadn't even had him half a year, and already he was
gone. She loved him so much. No more Jasper kisses. No more
mouse-fetching. No more warm spots on the pillow. No more Jasper. She
stroked his cool fur and whispered his name.
"Jasper..."
"Natalie!" It was her stepmother,
Gwen. She shouted. She always shouted. She wouldn't walk through the
old house looking for Natalie, she just yelled. Natalie stroked the
kitten one more time before she hollered back.
I'll give him a couple days to finish before I start whipping out the
"torture the teasy-writer-man until he finishes the story" tools, but
don't mistake my forbearance for mercy.
posted by Harvey at 6:33:29 PM permalink HOME
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SCARRED
Slow day at the bank. Checked my referrer logs. MonkeyWatch is there. I look. I find this. Fool that I am, I click the link.
Yes, they're only fictional monkeys, but this is NOT something that civilized folk write about as a children's story. What's next? "The Happy Baby Monkeys Get Hit By A Bus"?
Since karma must always re-balance, I figure that - very soon - I will
win the lottery while having the most powerful orgasm of my life.
Damn you, Ed.
posted by Harvey at 6:29:12 PM permalink HOME
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I'M NOT BITTER
It was only a game. Doesn't matter. So what if the Packers got beat by
the Eagles a couple weeks ago? Why would I still be bitter about THAT?
In fact I'm *completely* over it. The fact that I didn't find this post (discovered via Bonfire of the Vanities #30) even REMOTELY funny is proof that any hard feelings I may once have had are gone, Gone, GONE!
*snicker*
posted by Harvey at 6:23:31 PM permalink HOME
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WHAT SHE SAID
Commenting on an opinion piece published on an Australian news web site, hM of homicidalManiak posts one of the most apt analogies for why we went to war that I've ever read:
To avoid the biggest mess you have
to catch the glass before it hits the ground. You may spill some water
in the process, but you'll have a hell of a lot bigger mess to clean up
if you let the glass shatter. It was only a matter of time before the
glass shattered in this case (assuming it already hadn't).
Beautiful.
posted by Harvey at 6:20:57 PM permalink HOME
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Monday, January 26, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
To the best of my knowledge, I don't believe I've told you lately about
the thrill I feel when our lips meet. Chills run down my spine,
electricity fills the air, and I am paralyzed, for just an instant,
while my heart catches up to the emotional overload my brain feels.
Then comes the warmth, and the rush of passion fills the air while I
see clouds explode into broadening, deafening sunlight. I then melt,
deep into the arms of my love, my friend, my companion, my everything.
You are my perfect angel. I love you so deeply...
posted by Harvey at 10:59:22 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
[who ever get this dollar will be bless]
Apparently, mastery of English grammar is not among the blessings one may expect to receive.
posted by Harvey at 10:55:44 PM permalink HOME
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BWAHAHAHAHA!
This is probably more Owen's gig, but still, I must admit this brings me great mirth:
JEFFERSON (AP) - The president of the union local that has been on
strike for nearly 11 months at the Tyson Foods Inc. plant here has
recommended that it accept an amended contract offer Thursday.
"I recommended they ratify this contract so the union can live
to fight another day," Mike Rice said after a meeting Sunday of
striking United Food and Commercial Workers Local 538 workers.
Please note that this is a mere two weeks after this story:
JEFFERSON, Wis. - The
union for 470 workers who have been on strike against Tyson Foods'
Jefferson plant for almost 11 months has rejected the company's latest
contract offer.
The workers, who walked out Feb. 28 over wage and benefit concessions demanded by the company, rejected the offer 242-74 Sunday.
"People know what the consequences of the actions taken today are,
and they're informed and educated, and they still made that decision
based on a subpar contract," Mike Rice, president of the United Food
and Commercial Workers Local 538, told Milwaukee television station
WTMJ-TV.
I say again:
BWAHAHAHAHA!
posted by Harvey at 10:49:13 PM permalink HOME
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YAY! KIDS! YAY! NOT MINE!
People always (or maybe never) ask Beloved Wife and I "when are you going to have children?"
My new answer will be, "When you can guarantee me that doing so will never cause me to say..."
followed by a list of things that parents sometimes say, that I never
want to have to. I don't know what those things are, since I don't have
kids, but LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands Alone tipped me off to a few of them:
"No, Natalie, you cannot have a penis for your birthday."
"Do not feed the baby to the dog."
"Phoebe, how did this get in your diaper?"
"Stop eating the tinsel off the tree right NOW."
More quaint quotations available at the link, including the best one.
posted by Harvey at 10:30:35 PM permalink HOME
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MORE REASONS TO LOVE SUSIE
I just love it when people think sideways and catch me by surprise. In this complaint about the her demon-powered hell-computer, she popped off this line:
It's probably something I can't do
anything about, like the sound card is incompatible with the mouse
driver, or the squirrel chauffeur or something.
Susie just brightens my day :-)
posted by Harvey at 10:27:15 PM permalink HOME
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WORKS FOR ME
Don't get me wrong. It's not like I hate hippies, or anything, it's just that....
...hmmm.... I guess I DO hate hippies. Which is why I so thoroughly enjoyed it when J of Quibbles & Bits sends one to hell.
MUAHAHAHAHA!
posted by Harvey at 9:56:49 PM permalink HOME
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BLOWN!
My fuse, that is. Actually it's Tiffany's fuse.
I first read Blown Fuse when she was an entrant in the New Blog Showcase, back when she was at Earthlink.
Then she showed up in the King of the Blogs Tournament. She's just TOO
fun and expressive not to love. How to describe her blog...
Well, one time, I got my year-old cat whacked-up on catnip, then tossed
her Q-tip. That's about right. High-energy & endlessly
entertaining, you're never quite sure what's coming next.
Two things not to miss your first time over there:
First, her 100 things about me post, which contains:
15 I drive stick shift.
16 I have peeled tires out of a gas station parking lot in the presense of an officer of the law using said stick shift.
17 Officers of the law call that "exibition of speed."
18 I call that "A mistake, Sir, honestly."
And the wall-climbing pictures way down at the very bottom of her page. Just adorable.
And by the way, Tiffany, Unlike some people, I'm a big fan of pink. Just ask Susie about my fascination with her pink.
Wait... did that sound dirty?
Nevermind.
posted by Harvey at 9:31:47 PM permalink HOME
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RETINA BURN, PART 1
That's not funny, that's sick and wrong...
No, wait... that IS funny.
If somewhat disturbing... I guess the worst part would be the mental image of those two in the mating process.
posted by Harvey at 9:07:36 PM permalink HOME
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ADMIRAL! THERE BE WHALES HERE!
I like reading Linus's stuff at Pepper of the Earth. Despite the fact
that I have never been to New York City and therefore have no context
for much of what he says, his soothing prose finds me intrigued more
often than not.
At the end of one of his Life in THE CITY stories, he oh-so-casually tossed in a link that opened my eyes to a name for a concept that I'd only recently become aware of.
Low rise hip-hugger pants are quite the style these days amongst the
girl-in-college, Tigger-tattoo-on-the-ankle crowd. We've got a few of
them working as part-time tellers at the bank. Occasionally, one of
them will squat down to pick up something she's dropped, and WOW! I've
just discovered the panty-color of the day! Now HERE'S a fashion trend
I can get excited about!
Long story short, it's called Whale Tail. Enjoy the link. Just not at work.
posted by Harvey at 9:01:54 PM permalink HOME
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TOO OLD FOR WORDS
Actually I'm old enough for
words. Or more specifically "text adventures" that I used to play on my
crappy little computer back when the smallest "pixel" of color you
could control was about the size of your cursor, and flashy graphics on
a home computer were just a pipe-dream for "someday".
Yes, I actually played Zork. Yes, I enjoyed it. Yes, I didn't know what
it was like to kiss a girl. Thanks for opening up THAT wound.
Anyway, via the Hunting of the Snark, comes King of Fools scripting a date as text adventure.
If you've never played a text adventure (or if you've never been on a
date), don't bother. But if you've done both... read this.
posted by Harvey at 8:50:19 PM permalink HOME
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CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES #70
God, my life just sucks. I went through all the trouble last week of
getting my Carnival entry in early so it would be near the top, and you
know what happened?
I SENT IN THE WRONG FREAKIN' POST!
You see, long ago in order to save myself a little time, I took one of
my earlier entries and stuffed it into the "drafts" folder of my e-mail
program. Then every week, I open a new e-mail, copy, paste, and then
change the relevant data. Except last week I forgot about the
"changing" part.
Crap.
Needless to say, I now have a new template for link-fests. One WITHOUT old data.
Anyway, at CotV #70, which Poliblog
has infused with a Star Trek Original Series theme that just tickles me
to no end, I found a piece by Dan of Pragmatic Conservatism that's
actually helpful, in that it points out how to tell whether you're talking to a liberal. Some hints include:
If Bush and Hitler are used in the same sentence, unless she says " Bush could kick Hitler's Nazi Ass!" , then that is acceptable.
If they describe themselves as " progressive" , this means they smoke pot. Drugs are bad mmmmkay.
If they reference animals food
as having more rights than humans, then they could be a member of PETA.
Please chain them to a tree and leave them for dead.
Plenty more at Dan's place.
posted by Harvey at 8:35:59 PM permalink HOME
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NO CHANGE OF MONARCHY HERE
The final results for the King of the Blogs tournament are in, and ChristWeb retains the crown, with Blown Fuse coming in second, and Vessel of Honour left looking for somewhere else to put that extra "u".
The judges this week were a curmudgeonly lot and tossed about the kind
of brutal snarking rarely seen outside of the Bonfire of the Vanities.
Take Vigilance Matters skewering of the King:
If I had to question anything, it might be the sheer amount
of material in the flanking columns, much of which is of limited
relevance, and tends to drag down the value of everything else. If you
really like that Evanescence album, for instance, I'd expect you to
blog on it, but not necessarily keep the jpeg around for 6 months...
Unless maybe your sister is in the band...
And that was something he LIKED. (8 of 10)
So, like Tiffany says, if you're going for a palace coup, bring your thick skin.
posted by Harvey at 7:54:53 PM permalink HOME
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HOORAY!
Sweet, wonderful, fabulous Teresa, (who many of you know from her many
months of being a comment... whatever the opposite of "troll" is) has
finally succumbed to my incessant prodding (no, that's NOT dirty), and
from this day forward will be gracing the blogosphere with her witty
& insightful commentary from her very own blog, Technicalities.
No more will her beautiful roses be hidden in dank, cavernous comment
sections. They will instead have a garden of their own, and they will
blossom in radiant sunlight. For example:
I'm sure things will be a mess here for a while, until I get the hang
of all the gadgets and templates and links. I will be setting up an
email for the site as soon as I can. Also, there is currently, an
extremely abbreviated blogroll, to which I shall be adding all the
blogs I visit on a regular basis.
.... uh... ok... that kinda sucked. But it was from her first post. She's just getting warmed up. Let's take another look...
It seems that I have one of those little devils that follows me around
and says - you want to do what? Said little devil then makes sure that
all hell breaks loose, thus ensuring that I don't have enough time to
do anything.
Ah... now THERE'S a quote you can hang your hat on. Especially since
that red-faced, black-horned, cloven-hoofed little son of a bitch has a
brother who's been following me around all weekend, preventing me from
announcing Teresa's blog-birth. I'm tossing this charming lady on the
blogroll immediately, where she will amuse and delight me every single
day.
No pressure, Teresa...
Oh, and to answer your question... it depends on how fast my hands are moving... *ahem*.
posted by Harvey at 7:31:48 PM permalink HOME
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Sunday, January 25, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Lost
In the depths of her eyes
The soft curve of her lips
Reflecting an inner beauty
Blindingly bright
Walking a tightrope
Of words
A web
Of possibilities
Exhilarated by the height
Yet
There is no fear
Of falling
A delicate dance
On the slickest ice
As easy
And natural
As breathing
As though practiced
To perfection
There is no fear
Daring me
To walk with her
So high
Over the abyss
I return the challenge
As worlds collide
And are lost
In the depths of her eyes
posted by Harvey at 11:03:44 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Brandon was quite the ladies' man in high school. Not only could he get
the girls to put their declarations of love in writing, he was pretty
good at getting their locker combinations, too.
posted by Harvey at 10:59:36 PM permalink HOME
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THE ENDLESS YAMMERINGS OF GLENN REYNOLDS
I spent my former Packers-watching hours collecting all the Evil Glenn quotes from the entire Alliance membership and posting the results at Alliance HQ.
My eyes are still busy crossing & uncrossing from all that screen
starting, but I was pleasantly surprised at both the quantity and
quality. A few of my favorites:
The Patriette: "The existence of this blog inspires me to shave my eyebrows." -Glenn Reynolds
See The Donkey: "I still don't understand why paper beats rock." - Glenn Reynolds
A Life of Freedom: "Out of all the Blogs that nobody reads, I like Christian over at A Life of Freedom the best." - Glenn Reynolds
Five Wasps: "I would gladly sever my testicle to be the sixth WASP." - Glenn Reynolds
Intergalactic Capitalist: From
Glenn Reynolds Recipes:"The key to a crispy crust on puppy creme pie is
using lard squeezed from the thighs of Hillary Clinton."
From the Halls to the Shores: Let Mike the Marine win your hearts and minds, or he'll burn your damn village down. - Glenn Reynolds
Le Sabot Post-Moderne: "Discoshaman is the El Guapo of the blogosphere. His writing is MORE than fluent -- it's effluent!" -Glenn Reynolds
DiscountBlogger.com: Glenn Reynolds: "You want conservative homo stuff? Forget Sully. Demmons is all you need."
Physics Geek: "The
Physics Geek is a nerdy fellow with absolutely no socially redeeming
qualities. It's like I'm looking in a mirror." - Glenn Reynolds
and probably my very favorite:
Feste...a foolsblog: Glenn Reynolds Asks: "Does butter count as clothing?"
There are SO many more up there, you'd best go look & see for yourself.
posted by Harvey at 6:42:09 PM permalink HOME
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SOUNDS FAMILIAR
The following statement from Trey Givens is an all-too-familiar part of my life, but I don't recall hearing it so aptly phrased before:
The REASON I'm not leaving the office right now is because I want to
finish my Financial Management homework before I go. Now, I realize
that in order to finish, I have to start, but I'm putting that in the
"details" category while I handle the broad strokes over here on my
blog.
Which reminds me. I have a HUGE project to do at Alliance HQ. Meanwhile, I'm broadly stroking over here.
Wait... did that sound dirty?
Nevermind.
posted by Harvey at 10:13:03 AM permalink HOME
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Saturday, January 24, 2004
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KING OF THE BLOGS JUDGE'S CHALLENGE & WHOLE BLOG REVIEW
This week's King of the Blogs Challenge Question from Vigilance Matters:
What is the biggest problem with most other blogs, but not your own?
I'm posting my reviews, but not the scores. You'll have to wait for the official annoucement for that.
Vessel of Honour
Good Points: Answers the question, offers a solution to the problem, makes a jest at his own expense to wrap up.
Bad Points: Except for that small jest, pretty dry
ChristWeb:
Good Points: "Blogspot has become the tract homes of the Internet" Heh. I like that line
Bad Points: A little unfair to
the part-time bloggers & non-geeks who have neither the time nor
the inclination to learn enough HTML to go template-diving. Bloody
elitist.
Blown Fuse (see KotB page):
Good Points: Tiffany gets it. Blogging isn't about tech-savvy, it's about the person
behind the blog. I really like that she takes this theme and runs with
it, tossing in all sorts of vivid imagery in the process. She has such
a way with words – "Cabbage Patch doll" [*snicker*].
Bad Points: None visible.
Score 10:
The Whole Blog: Technical Merit & Personality
Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:
Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)
Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality
shining through, to remind us of the person behind the words.
ChristWeb:
Good Points: Technical perfection, with serious, insightful & informative posts.
Bad Points: A little too dry
& neat. It's like sitting in your spinster aunt's immaculate
parlor. Not a lot of fun to be had. I also didn't like that he often
hides his thoughts in the extended entry. That's backwards, my man.
Folks come to your place to hear what you have to say. You should be
the star attraction, but you're acting like a trembling wallflower.
Whip it out, please.
Vessel of Honour:
Good Points: Technically excellent, plus lots of creative smiley icons for emphasis. Looks like a fun place to be.
Bad Points: White text on a
black background? I thought black was the color of sin? You're not
NEARLY sinful enough for a black background… unless you're hiding
something… [narrowing eyes suspiciously]
Blown Fuse:
Good Points: Recently completed
a harrowing move from another host and software platform, so you'd
think the new place would be a chaotic mess. Well, it is, but it's that
kind of fun, homey, welcoming chaos that makes you want to come in, put
your feet up, relax, and have a good time. Pretty pictures of the
lovely hostess abound, and even her "Ultimate Bad Hair Day" shot is not
without its charms. I could spend the whole day here.
Bad Points: There's no specific
"About Me" post that I could find, although so much of Tiffany shows
through all over the place, it's not the scarring flaw it might be on a
different blog. Also, it wouldn't hurt to have an extra line of space,
or maybe a horizontal line, between the bottom of one post and the top
of the previous one.
Stay tuned for the final results, or go to the King of the Blogs page and obsessively click the "refresh" button on your browser.
posted by Harvey at 4:39:05 PM permalink HOME
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Friday, January 23, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Everything I do and everything I see
Is more beautiful and wonderful because of my love for you.
When you smile, your eyes of warmest brown,
Light up like a cool summer's night.
Sending shivers over my body much to my delight.
posted by Harvey at 11:45:52 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
The daylight faded into darkness and still he sat, waiting patiently
for her to wake. He studied the line of her body as she lay sleeping,
the curve of her hip and shoulder, the soft rounding of her back. She
was such a tiny thing, just a little bit of flesh and bone beneath the
coverings, the smallest spark of life. He marveled at the texture of
her skin, at the coloring, the absence of flaws. She might have been
molded by some great artist whose reflection and skill had created a
once-and-only masterpiece...
posted by Harvey at 12:16:22 AM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
[Aaron - this is for finally cleaning your damned tool box 1/7/02 Highlander]
Aaron receives a little gift from the "tool box fairy", who is similar
to the tooth fairy, except for his quirk of believing that he is an immortal Scottish swordsman.
posted by Harvey at 12:13:11 AM permalink HOME
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FREEZE DRY
(A FILTHY LIE)
It was a quiet night at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon. I was sitting in the corner tipping a few with Matty O'Blackfive and we were discussing weighty matters of great import, as men of the world such as ourselves are wont to do:
Matty: I can't believe Frank J. spelled Howard Dean's scream "YEAGH!". What an idiot! There was clearly no "g" sound in there.
Harv: You're so full of shit! There was obviously a "g" sound in there. Actually about 4 or 5. Right in a row. Probably should've been "YEAg-g-g-g-gah!".
Matty: I think you must've gotten syphilis in the Navy, because your insanity is starting to show. That was no "g". It was more like that sound Jewish guys make when they pronounce "Chanukah".
Harv: Howard Dean's Jewish? I thought that was Lieberman… Anyway, it
reminded me more of that dinosaur-bird scream you always heard in
Johnny Quest cartoons.
Matty: Now you're the one who's full of shit. But I'm too thirsty to argue. I'm getting another pitcher of beer... You want anything?
Harv: Nah. I'm good.
Matty: Bartender! Pitcher me!
Bartender: How about a "please" with that you ungrateful paratrooping assgremlin?
Matty: Sure. Please give me a f****** pitcher.
Bartender: That's better. But I still ain't giving you jack shit. You drank the place dry, and my supplier says he can't get me any more beer, or anything else, for that matter. Seems like every alcoholic beverage in the country has become trapped in blocks of ice.
Matty: What the hell are you talking about?
Bartender: Here, I'll show you - let me turn on the TV...
Mindy Minx: Yes! Take me! Oh! Oh! Harder! Oh God! Oh yes! Harder!
Bartender: Oops! Wrong channel. Heh.
CNN: We take you live...
Harv [walking up to the bar]: Hey Bartender! Turn that back to the other channel! I was wanking... uh,... watching that!
Bartender: Shut up & pay attention... and get your hand out of your pants!
Harv: Don't try to step on my good time, you festering anal blister! I'm not the one who keeps his inflatable girlfriend in the broom closet!
Bartender: You bastard! I told you to stay out of that closet. I swear, if you touched ONE painted plastic hair on Hildegard's head...
Matty: Would you both just shut the f*** up? I'm trying to watch the news!
CNN info-babe: Thanks, Wolf. I'm here in Boston amongst indescribable
chaos. Every alcoholic beverage in the entire city has become encased
in solid ice. Crowds of angry and tragically sober Irishmen are
pounding on the ice with their shillelaghs, attempting to free the
trapped beer. I'm told that similar versions of this horrifying scene
are taking place all across the country, and even as far away as Russia…
Harv: Well, who woulda thunk it?
Matty: What?
Harv: That Irishmen are actually good for something.
Matty: You son of a bitch! You take that back!
Harv: Whoa! Geez! Back off, Matty! All right, all right, I take it back. Irishmen aren't good for anything.
Matty: That's better! I… Hey!
Harv: No time for petty squabbles now. I've got a strong feeling that Evil Glenn is behind this.
Matty: What makes you say that?
Harv: Check the TV. See that helicopter hovering over the crowd? It says "EGI" on the side.
Matty: Evil Glenn Industries! Of course! And look… there's the loathsome yet unmistakable "broadcast tower spewing flying white blended puppies of death" logo on the front of it! I can't believe how stupidly obvious he is. You'd think that after all his years of being an Evil Overlord, he'd have found some time to read the manual.
Harv: Maybe he just hasn't gotten to #13 yet. Regardless, we've GOT to stop him!
Matty: Quickly! To the DrunkMobile!
We sped through the darkness until we finally reached the frozen
wastelands of Knoxville and Evil Glenn's Instacompound. We burst into
his Unholy Inner Sanctum. Surprisingly we met no resistance. Probably
because Reynolds was too busy blogging to notice us…
Evil Glenn: "Hmmm"… link… post… "Heh"… link… post… "Indeed"… link… post…
Matty: *ahem *
Evil Glenn: Oh, thanks… "ahem"… link… post…
Harv: Uh… Glenn?
Evil Glenn: "Uh"… link… post… "Glenn"… link… Wait a minute… Hey! What are you guys doing in here?
Matty: We're from the Alliance and we've come to stop your evil scheme!
Evil Glenn: Thank goodness! For a second there I thought you were from the government and you were here to help me. So… which evil scheme has your undies in a bowline hitch this time?
Harv: The one where you encase all the alcoholic beverages in blocks of ice.
Evil Glenn: OHHHHH! That one! Yes, you see, I've created a weather-control device and I'm using its power for my own sick, twisted pleasure.
Matty: But the beer! The precious BEER! Think of the children!
Harv: The what?
Evil Glenn: Did you say... "children"?
Matty: Sorry. I have a rare disease akin to epilepsy. If I don't drink, I have fits of liberalism.
Evil Glenn: … Yes... well… anyway… I've been having difficulty finding hobos to murder for Satan, lately. Seems that most of the time, after they buy their bottle of Mad Dog,
they hide down in the trainyards to get drunk, which makes it a real
bitch to track 'em down. So I'm using this weather-control device to
icify all the booze. That way, the pathetic bastards will all be
gathered around the ice blocks, weeping & moaning. They'll be easy
to spot and even easier to slaughter. MUAHAHAHA!
Matty: But there'll also be throngs of innocent Irishmen wailing and sobbing! What if you mistake them for hobos?
Evil Glenn: Won't happen. They may both be smelly, drunken,
ne'er-do-wells, but it's easy to tell the difference between a hobo and
an Irishman.
Matty: Oh yeah? How?
Evil Glenn: Hobos don't carry shillelaghs
Matty: Well, as long as the Irish are safe. C'mon, Harv, let's go…
Harv: Matty… all the beer is still frozen…
Matty: Oh! Right! Right!… Ok, Evil Glenn, turn your little machine to "defrost" or whatever you have to do. Let my pilsner go!
Harv: Matty, you're paraphrasing Moses…
Matty: Another side effect of the sobriety. Don't worry about it.
Evil Glenn: Well, boys, here's my ass, so you might as well start
kissing it! I don't see how you'll be able to stop me this time...
Unless one of you thought to bring a gun?
Harv: Damn!
Matty: Crap!
Harv: I guess we're screwed.
Matty [weeping openly]: The children! The environment! Save the whales! Tax the rich! Bush = Hitler and he lied! Lied! LIED!
Evil Glenn: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Just then, dozens of black-clad BATF agents crashed through the doors and windows, wildly waving automatic weapons…
Janie Jackboot: Freeze, Evil Glenn! Don't move a muscle or we'll Swiss
cheese your skinny white ass! Uh… I mean, we're from the government,
and we're here to help you.
Billy Brownshirt: Yeah! What she said!
Norman Nazikin: By order of Janet Reno, we hereby command you to
surrender to our august Imperial Authority and prepare yourself for
relocation to a concentra… er… happy camp.
Evil Glenn: Janet Reno? She hasn't been Attorney General in years…
Janie Jackboot: Well, she was when we started out, but SOMEONE [looking pointedly at Billy Brownshirt] wouldn't stop to ask directions.
Billy Brownshirt: Listen biatch, I wasn't lost! I knew exactly where we were going!
Janie Jackboot: My sweet, round ass, dipshit. You care to explain how the f*** we wound up spending a week in Albuquerque then?
Billy Brownshirt: I… uh… well… YOU SHUT UP!
Evil Glenn: Look, folks… it's not like I'm not having oodles of happy-sparkly fun here, but would you please either arrest me or get the hell out of my house?
Norman Nazikin: Sorry 'bout that. Those two have been cat-and-dogging
it for months. I tell ya, if I didn't get my rocks off on
pistol-whipping defenseless people, I'd have been out of this
chicken-shit outfit YEARS ago. Why, just last week…
Evil Glenn: GET. ON. WITH. IT!
Norman Nazikin: Right, right… Glenn Reynolds, you are under arrest for
unlawfully interfering with interstate commerce in violation of Article
I, Section 8 of the United States Constitution, in that you did
willfully and flagrantly encase alcoholic beverages in ice across state
lines, thus causing crowds of foul-smelling, unruly Irishmen to…
Matty: Hey! Now just a damn minute there, you…
Janie Jackboot [shoving an Uzi into Matty's left nostril]: Got a problem there, bog-trotter?
Matty: EEP!
Janie Jackboot: Just keep your peace, Paddy O' Tater-tot.
Norman Nazikin: … as I was saying… causing them to riot obstreperously in the otherwise peaceful…
Evil Glenn: Look, Goering, I'm a lawyer. I know my rights, I know the law, and I know you've got nothing
on me. I was simply transmitting electromagnetic energy from where I am
to where the booze was. According to United States vs. Lopez, since
there was no money changing hands in a financial transaction, the
Federal Government can't prove jurisdiction under the
Constitution's Necessary and Proper clause to bring charges against me, as no actual commerce was taking place.
Janie Jackboot: Perhaps so, but under Ileto vs. Glock, Inc., this would still expose you to liability under common-law nuisance provisions and…
Evil Glenn: Don't split hairs with me, young woman! I know full well that Marbury vs. Madison declares explicitly that it is solely
the provision of the Supreme Court, and NOT the Executive Branch - of
which YOU are a part, I might add - to declare what the law IS. Your
feeble pronouncements of…
Matty: Bored now.
Harv: Tell me about it. I just remembered why I dropped out of law school.
Matty: Titty bar?
Harv: Right behind you.
Matty [strolling casually toward the door]: I heard that Trixie the Times Square Wonder Hooker is appearing at Blender's.
Harv: [following] Isn't she the one who can thread a needle without using her hands or feet?
Matty: The very same.
Harv: I've always wanted to see that trick…
The rest of the night was pretty much a blur of dollar bills,
g-strings, and prehensile labia, and I don't recall much in the way of
detail, but the morning paper did
say something about Evil Glenn's weather machine's transmissions
violating the Telecommunications Act of 1996, abuse of the public
airwaves, blah, blah, blah – or something like that. All I know is that
America's beer is both thawed out and freely accessible once again,
thanks to the unflagging bravery of myself and America's favorite
drunken Irish paratrooper, Matty O' Blackfive.
If you'd like to show your appreciation, you can buy us a round of
seven (6 for Matty, 1 for me) next time you see us at Madfish Willie's.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 12:00:40 AM permalink HOME
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Thursday, January 22, 2004
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TWISTS & TURNS
You
know how, on Survivor, you'll be going along, thinking you'll know what
happens next, and then they'll pull some weird "we're going to
re-shuffle the tribes" thing that you didn't see coming? King of the
Blogs just pulled one of those:
By
the power invested in me as Host and owner of the King of the Blogs I
have removed Cranial Cavity from the competition. The reason for this
is non-participation. I have received nothing from him, and the
deadline passed on his answering of the Judge's Challenge. I will place
him back in the queue to participate at a later date. As King of the
Blogs, ChristWeb will be allowed to defend his crown from the final two
participants. This action will set a precedent in King of the Blogs
which reads like so:
"If
any participant in Week 2 of the tournament fails to participate by the
time given without notice, and the current King is not among the Final
Three, the current King will be allowed to take his place. If the
current King is already among the Final Three the blog with the highest
score not among those already advanced will be allowed to take his
place."
So:
Blown Fuse (new home here)
Vessel of Honour
and ChristWeb
get to slug it out this week. Meanwhile, Mr. Cavity - to the gallows with ye!
MUAHAHAHA!
posted by Harvey at 7:44:04 PM permalink HOME
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TV BLOGGING
I found this in my inbox today:
Does going out in the cold give you a cold? Is life getting worse? Can
money buy happiness? Coinciding with the release of his book "Give Me a
Break," John Stossel explores these questions and other common myths in
a special edition of "20/20: Lies, Myths and Downright Stupidity with
John Stossel," airing FRIDAY, JANUARY 23 (10:00-11:00 p.m., ET), on the
ABC Television Network.
Stossel reveals the top ten lists of things he once thought were true
but turned out to be lies or myths, including:
#10 BEING COLD GIVES YOU A COLD
All over America, a million mothers are telling their kids, "don't go
outside without a coat, you'll get sick." Stossel reports that this is
not true. Scientists and the polar bear club debunk the myth. As it
happens, more people get sick in the winter because they spend more time
indoors passing viruses back and forth because people are closer to each
other.
#7 MONEY BUYS HAPPINESS
People think money will buy happiness, and the rich often seem happy,
but research by Money Magazine columnist Jean Chatsky and others report
that more money makes people significantly happier only if their family
income is below $30,000. After $50,000, money makes no difference.
Stossel interviews Hip Hop entrepreneur Russell Simmons and his brother,
Reverend Run, the lead rapper for Run DMC. The Reverend Run said he
suddenly realized money wouldn't buy happiness when he was at the peak
of his career, basking in a hot tub in a luxury hotel. "I got the
presidential suite ...and it all came at once. Everybody is at my door.
Rolling Stone magazine, doing a cover ..._my favorite dude was bringing
my pancakes. The weed dude was at the door... the Rolls-Royces is
coming... And it was too much. I realized, OK, I got it, God. I got it.
I got it. This will not work. It is not gonna make me happy. And I
changed at that moment.
Simmons says he knows 15 billionaires, and 13 are unhappy. Says Simmons,
"there is a constant battle to get more because it's a little bit of a
rush. They are like drug addicts. They have to keep getting a rush."
#6 REPUBLICANS SHRINK GOVERNMENT
Republicans say they will shrink government, but they don't. At last
year's State of the Union, President Bush received thunderous applause
talking about "spending discipline," but since he became president, the
government has hired a million more people, and increased spending.
#5 RICH PEOPLE DON'T PAY THEIR FAIR SHARE
All the Democratic Presidential candidates say that the wealthy do not
pay their fair share. Stossel interviewed Rev. Al Sharpton, who said,
"the rich pay...less than poor people for taxes. They should pay
somewhere around 15 percent...They don't pay five percent." In fact, the
top one percent - that's people earning more than $300,000 - pay 34%, or
more than a third of all income taxes; the top 5% pay more than half.
"That doesn't mean we couldn't pay more," says Stossel, "but let's at
least tell the truth."
#1
Stossel's #1 lie, myth or stupidity will be revealed on the broadcast.
To illustrate it, he goes swimming in the Hudson River.
Other lies, myths and stupidity explored include: "guns are bad" and "we
are drowning in garbage."
I might have to go set my VCR for this one.
posted by Harvey at 7:42:26 PM permalink HOME
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A GOOD QUESTION
Matty O'Blackfive popped off a good question:
Did any of you experience liberal OR conservative bias or discrimination in school?
For me, it was "yes and no". Most of my profs at UW-Whitewater were
good enough not to wear their bias on their sleeves, but there were a
few who did. This shocked me, because I was a business major (started
with Accounting, tried Marketing, wound up with Finance). I would think
that only hard-core capitalists would spend 8 or 10 years studying
business, but there they were, with their success-hatred and their
socialism. Nasty folk.
I mostly kept quiet, but at least once a period I'd have to go toe to
toe with them. Firmly but politely arguing against their stupidity.
I'm pleased to report that not one of them ever took it out on my
grades. In fact, despite often heated arguments, they were just so
pleased to have a student with an active mind that they wouldn't have
cared if I'd been a Martian Ninja Nazi.
So I've seen my share of academic liberal bias, but no discrimination.
posted by Harvey at 7:38:15 PM permalink HOME
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE VOTER LINKY-LOVE SOURCE CODE
<a href="http://imao.us/">IMAO</a> (625 links) - 3372
visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://nicedoggie.net/"></a><a
href="http://blackfive.blogs.com/">Blackfive - The Paratrooper of
Love</a> (316 links) - 1874 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a
href="http://www.discountblogger.com/">DiscountBlogger</a>
(208 links) - 1823 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.flyingchair.net/"></a><a
href="http://voxday.blogspot.com/">Vox Popoli</a> (92 links) -
958 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.dowingba.com/">Tao of Dowingba</a> (117
links) - 271 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://annikagyrl.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://practicalpenumbra.mu.nu/">Practical Penumbra</a>
(231 links) - 227 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://silverblue.org/mt">Ramblings of Silver
Blue</a> (195 links) - 219 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.taintedbill.com/"></a><a
href="http://sayanythingblog.com/">Say Anything</a> (65 links)
- 214 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://radio.weblogs.com/0126975/">Bad Money</a>
(162 links) - 194 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://madfishwillies.mu.nu/"></a><a
href="http://www.calpoly.edu/%7Edoleary/blog.htm">DAN K OLEARY DOT
COM BLOG</a> (92 links) - 173 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://gevkaffeegal.typepad.com/the_alliance/">The
Alliance</a> (198 links) - 169 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://inscrutable.news-portal.com/"></a><a
href="http://ondragonswing.com/journal/gaggle">Absinthe &
Cookies</a> (233 links) - 156 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.pardonmyenglish.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.seethedonkey.com/">See The Donkey</a> (81
links) - 142 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://simonworld.mu.nu/">Simon World</a> (114
links) - 141 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.serenitysjournal.com/"></a><a
href="http://hallsofmontezumashoresoftripoli.blogspot.com/">From the
Halls to the Shores</a> (92 links) - 121 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.alteredperception.net/"></a><a
href="http://www.dogtulosba.com/">dogtulosba, ink. - soapiate of the
masses</a> (78 links) - 100 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.danegerus.com/weblog/"></a><a
href="http://donotremove.net/">The Everlasting Phelps</a> (89
links) - 84 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://gcruse.typepad.com/">The Owner's Manual</a>
(88 links) - 84 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.asininity.com/"></a><a
href="http://physicsgeek.blog-city.com/">physics geek</a> (128
links) - 74 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.thepatriette.com/">The Patriette</a>
(126 links) - 73 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.avguru.net/"></a><a
href="http://www.idiotvillager.com/">Idiot Villager</a> (93
links) - 57 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://sithoughts.mu.nu/"></a><a
href="http://winceandnod.blogspot.com/">Wince and Nod</a> (111
links) - 56 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://anti-anti-flag.com/index.php"></a><a
href="http://www.KenshoGodchaser.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.aldaynet.org/"></a><a
href="http://civilization-calls.mu.nu/">Civilization Calls</a>
(90 links) - 40 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://son-shade.diaryland.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.robertholcomb.com/godubya">Go Dubya!</a> (121
links) - 37 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.frizzensparks.com/">Frizzen Sparks</a>
(70 links) - 36 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.homicidalmaniak.com/"></a><a
href="http://loadedmouth.com/">Loaded Mouth</a> (63 links) -
35 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://grimbeorn.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://blatherreview.mu.nu/">BLATHER REVIEW</a> (94
links) - 31 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.bigstick.us/"></a><a
href="http://www.bigredgiant.com/">BigRedGiant.com</a> (92
links) - 27 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://sugarwhitesand.com/">CandyUniverse</a> (113
links) - 27 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.realitysvoice.org/blog.html"></a><a
href="http://irrationalnoise.com/handh.php">Hypocrisy and
Hypotheses</a> (84 links) - 24 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.rocksolidcorp.com/weblog/index.html">Not
Quite Tea and Crumpets</a> (90 links) - 23 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://curi.us/domain/">curi's domain</a> (76
links) - 21 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.blogodob.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://eleganceagainstignorance.blogspot.com/">Elegance
Against Ignorance</a> (84 links) - 20 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://self-composed.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.ondragonswing.com/journal/ramble/">Ninjababe's
Ramble</a> (87 links) - 19 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a
href="http://myweb.cableone.net/luciuszedaker/"></a><a
href="http://roxettebunny.mu.nu/">Hoppings of Roxette
Bunny</a> (84 links) - 18 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://wasteofbandwidth.net/dseip/ssp"></a><a
href="http://cannon.blog-city.com/">Cannon's Canon</a> (71
links) - 16 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.eric1967.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://giveblood.blogspot.com/">Single White Male</a>
(68 links) - 12 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://leahguildenstern.blog-city.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.conservativecajun.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://interested-participant.blogspot.com/">Interested-Participant</a>
(136 links) - visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://foolsblog.com/"></a><a
href="http://eckernet.com/">Eckernet.com</a> (74 links) -
visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://ripebananas.blogspot.com/">Ripe Bananas</a>
(87 links) - visits/day <font color="red">V<br>
</font>
<a href="http://www.evangelicaloutpost.com/">the evangelical
outpost</a> (316 links) - 499 visits/day<br>
<a href="http://s-train.h2cmedia.org/">The S-Train
Canvass</a> (86 links) - 352 visits/day<br>
<a href="http://www.debbyestratigacos.blogspot.com/">Being
American in T.O.</a> (112 links) - 185 visits/day<br>
<a href="http://www.postmodernclog.com/">Le Sabot
Post-Moderne</a> (198 links) - 130 visits/day<br>
<a href="http://angelweave.mu.nu/">angelweave</a> (153
links) - 100 visits/day<br>
<a href="http://www.vrwc.us/">VRWC, Inc.</a> (122 links) -
64 visits/day<br>
<a href="http://sithoughts.mu.nu/">Semi-Intelligent
Thoughts</a> (80 links) - 57 visits/day<br>
<br>
posted by Harvey at 6:37:17 PM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, January 21, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Emptiness is filled with richness and reward
Promises are kept as into forever we voyage
What was once storm-tossed now is serene
Love shared awakens new beginnings
Forever doesn't seem long enough
Vows are made, yearnings are fulfilled
Passion and tenderness envelops us
We feel the warmth of souls united
Forever doesn't seem long enough
posted by Harvey at 6:08:03 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Lucky my ass! As soon as I got this dollar I was attacked by a gang of
Mary Kay ninjas hurling pink-moisturizing-throwing-stars-of-death.
posted by Harvey at 6:05:13 PM permalink HOME
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WONDER IF THEY HAVE BARNYARD PORN THERE?
Ever wonder what happens to Spam purveyors after they die? Probably
not. I'm sure you're too busy doing the dead-spammer-happy-dance to
even give it a second thought.
But J of Quibbles & Bits thought about it. Let's just say it's a thing of beauty.
MUAHAHAHAHA!
posted by Harvey at 5:54:49 PM permalink HOME
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THAT JUST RINGS
In Vigilance Matters's "Statement of Purpose", (scroll down to the bottom half of the entry) he pens this phrase:
"evil is not the chaos that rains down upon us like summer showers, but
the pounding surf that erodes the coastline, destroys homes, and
reshapes the continent."
Makes me shiver, it does.
posted by Harvey at 5:52:51 PM permalink HOME
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BURNT OFFERINGS
One Fine Jay has the "honor" of hosting that bizarre collection of blogging atrocities that is the Bonfire of the Vanities (#29).
The only redeeming quality is that at least now I know (thanks to The American Mind) that the Packers loss was due to voodoo, and not Ahman Green's inability to move the ball 2 freakin' feet.
posted by Harvey at 5:46:17 PM permalink HOME
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Tuesday, January 20, 2004
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WAR ON TERROR: THE PERKS
There are a lot of good things that have come from prosecuting the War
on Terror, the biggest of which is, well, lots of dead terrorists. But
there are several side benefits as well. Here's my Top 10:
10) Sales of "War on Terror: To Do List" T-shirts skyrocket, spurring a rapid economic recovery.
9) More oil for blood. Terrorist blood, that is.
8) Lavish and exotic ashtrays for American soldiers.
7) Filthy hippies skip college classes to attend protests, allowing
serious students to learn in an atmosphere free from eye-wateringly
noxious odors and choruses of "is this going to be on the test?"
6) The French finally got around to producing their own color-coded terror threat level warnings.
5) GrouchyMedia videos
4) That defeated look on Dan Rather's face when the statue fell.
3) Hey, cool! The latest copy of Surrender Monkeys Monthly just hit the stands!
2) How about a little fire, Scarecrow?
and the #1 side benefit to the War on Terror:
1) American kids improve their geography skills; learn that "between the Tigris and Euphrates" is not a euphemism for "vagina".
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 8:15:20 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I PROMISE YOU
To be with you each night
watching it slip into each new day
the sun brings the promise
of my devotion in every way.
To watch the years
blend into years
being the keeper of your dreams
the conqueror of your fears.
To have you feel the passion
only hearts in love can feel
from this moment on
proving my love is real.
I will give my love freely
in everything we do
spending the rest of my lifetime
whispering words of love to you
No more broken hearts
or unhappy memories
never any fallen tears
where smiles should be...
posted by Harvey at 7:39:30 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Embittered by their inability to regain sponsorship of the New Blog
Showcase, the League of Liberals vent their wrath on N.Z Bear by
encasing him in carbonite and having him flown to Jabba the Hut's
headquarters in Finland.
posted by Harvey at 7:35:46 PM permalink HOME
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KING OF THE BLOGS HANGS 3, SURVIVORS REGROUP
At the end of the first week, the results have been finalized, and the following blogs are advancing to the next round:
Blown Fuse (new home here)
Cranial Cavity
Vessel of Honour
Which means that:
Hobson's Choice
Canadian Comment
and even the current King of the Blogs, ChristWeb
are being sent home to cry themselves to sleep. Better luck next time, fellas.
As usual, my witty and entertaining reviews can be found at the King of the Blogs web site. I also have to say that Dawn of Clarified put on a really nice show with her reviews, too. For example:
Blown Fuse: because I love you. I was expecting something very
different after reading the title. I mean, if you really loved me you
would have told me how I can get a weekly massage for free at a really
trendy spa or given me the online code for 50 percent off coupons to
Ann Taylor...electrical sockets installation ranks waaaaaaaay down the
list. But, it's a nice gesture for the most handily-inclined of us and
your point about paying others to do what you can do yourself is an
excellent one for us to remember, so I give it a 7 and know that martha
stewart would be proud.
Nice one, Dawn.
posted by Harvey at 7:21:05 PM permalink HOME
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HOW TO DO IT RIGHT
Amongst my reviews at the King of the Blogs Tournament,
I mentioned that it's good to comment on the idiocy of the RIAA, but
when making the point, the "how you make it" is important:
ChristWeb: "Downloading Music is Just the Symptom"
Good points: Well-written, intelligently phrased, informative. Good point on music customers being resentful of high CD prices.
Bad points: Missed an important
possible explanation for the drop in downloading - because of the
lawsuits, the people answering the surveys are lying and saying they
don't download anymore because they don't want to be sued. Also,
Stephen got off-topic a bit when he discussed the low quality
performers in popular music. Yes, Britney sucks, but is he suggesting
that
Britney's complete lack of talent
was a root cause of massive copyright infringement, just like high CD
prices were? This piece didn't quite hang together right.
Score: 8
Linus at Pepper of the Earth puts it much better.
If you thought the trouble with
the modern music business stemmed from piratical digital downloading,
you bought a bad line sold by an increasingly-notorious and ruthless
bunch of lobbyists pretending to be advocates of rights and propriety.
The problem never really had much to do with those squawky mp3's and
broadband campus lines. It was the usual trouble endemic to our current
incarnation of vicious slash-and-burn capitalism, and had to do with
opportunism and money-grubbing. When ruthless execs flog finance out of
a horse that's been getting sicker by the decade, and nobody bothers to
feed the horse (why waste money on all that expensive food?),
eventually the horse is going to vomit up blood and keel over. At this
point the execs cluster around the corpse, look serious, clasp their
hands behind their backs, and sagely say, "It's downloading did this.
Damn shame. Those thieves need to be taught a lesson." Um, right.
My GOD how I love that mental image.
Genius, Linus, genius.
Look for yourself on my blogroll.
posted by Harvey at 6:47:36 PM permalink HOME
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GEEK GOODIES
Time for physicsgeek voter linky-love.
Lots of goodies in this roundup. Naturally the one that catches my eye is this currency related item.
Seems that the USA Network's new series "Traffic" is being advertised
with stickers on $1 bills. Can anyone get me a picture of a circulated
one? Linus?
He also directs us to Right Wing News, where Mr. Hawkins holds forth on... lets be euphemistic and call it an intriguing idea for body modification.
cchaffie: "Does anyone know a
surgeon or how to get a surgeon to amputate healthy toes? I will pay
good money to have 4 of my toes removed. Any ideas are appreciated."
Reading that blackened my soul. I must bathe now.
posted by Harvey at 6:38:22 PM permalink HOME
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Monday, January 19, 2004
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IS THIS TRUE?
Via the Champange Room, I found Eric of Straight White Guy saying this:
Get up early one morning....go off to blog while the wife
sleeps....when she finally wakes up...make her breakfast....and say
something like..."Darlin'...I woke up this morning thinking of you....I
know you had a hard day yesterday...so, I thought that I'd let you
sleep...but, I just couldn't get you off my mind...so, I masturbated
this morning while fantasizing about you..".....heh...late sleeper, my
ass...you'll get RAPED...IMMEDIATELY...Women want to be lusted
after....just the same as Men want to be lusted after....it is the
nature of things...
It kinda reminds me of Helen telling her readers that she had her way with herself while thinking of old times with Mr. Y....I bet Mr. Y popped the biggest boner of his entire born days when he read that....there is nothing finer than being desired....DEEEESIRED...
Now, I know he's right about Mr. Y. I mean, I'd be rocket-man in a
heartbeat if a woman honestly told me that she masturbated while
fantasizing about me. But I'm curious as to whether the top scenario would be effective.
I'm actually thinking no. If I tried that in this house, my wife
would crack me in the head with the first blunt object within arm's
reach and scream:
"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP?"
posted by Harvey at 11:25:20 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Dreams are wishes... wants... desires
From the deepest corners of your heart.
But how do we fulfill our needs?
Where's the best place to start?
Is there an age that we must be?
Must a lesson have been learned?
Can just anyone fulfill their dreams?
Or must our dreams be earned?
If I could have my heart's desire,
It could easily come true.
To make mine a world of happiness,
All I'll ever want is you.
My dream is but a simple one,
Yet sometimes hard to acquire.
Just someone to give me sweet, sweet love
And fill my soul with fire.
But dreams can also show themselves,
And take you by surprise.
Consume your world with happiness,
Promising no goodbyes.
It suddenly appears
My dreams have come to life.
I'm living in my dream world
With you for all my life.
posted by Harvey at 10:38:41 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
From the book, "Romance for Dummies", page 128:
"DO: Write flattering notes on $1 bills
DON'T: Use blood for ink"
posted by Harvey at 10:33:15 PM permalink HOME
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QUEEN OF THE KING OF THE BLOGS
Nick Queen, host of Patriot Paradox, and the genius behind the King of the Blogs Tournament, has his interview posted at Jen's House O' Blue Love.
I found this passage enlightening:
Why did you start your blog?
My biggest influence was actually a blogger most should know, the King of Fools.
He gave me the time of day, and finally I took the plunge. During my
formative days as a blogger he truly was a welcome voice to keep me
going, and encouraging
mentor to keep my head up and keep chugging along. I started the blog
for the same reason many do, to have an outlet for my opinions, and to
have a place to write. It has been a great place for both.
Just something for me to keep in mind, personally. There are some
people I'd like to see start blogs, and some bloggers I'd like to see
blog more. As such, I should remember that encouragement during those
nasty, struggly early days is important.
Which reminds me. I'd like to thank Susie
for all the little smiley faces she left in the comments to my early
Graffiti Currency posts. She'll never know how much that early
encouragement helped.
Wait... I guess she will, now that I've mentioned it...
posted by Harvey at 10:10:31 PM permalink HOME
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REASONS TO LOVE hM
After blogrolling homicidalManiak, I gave her main page the once over to see what I've been so foolishly missing. Well, she finally got her "100 things about me" post up, and I got particularly sweaty on the following items:
5, 23, 28, 37, 42, 49, 56, 62, 74, 77, 84
Oh, and the fact that I enjoyed #1 the most goes without saying.
posted by Harvey at 9:49:32 PM permalink HOME
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PeTA PIROUETTE
Heather of Angelweave has the long-anticipated round-up of kick-PeTA-in-the-nads posts. A couple favorites:
hM of homicidal Maniak references the "Book of PeTa"
(which is right next to the Book of Job in the New Testament, I
believe) and digs up the lost Beatitude. She's also kind enough to post
a drink alert at the top of her post, which you had best heed.
Naked PeTA chicks in tiger-stripe-body-paint. Forget the cows, I'm thinkin' beaver steak right about now.
Which reminds me, it's about time I blogrolled ErosBlog, which is where Heather got that one. I just have to remember to not click the link at work.
Come to think of it, I should've blogrolled hM a long time ago, too. Bad Harv!
posted by Harvey at 9:16:38 PM permalink HOME
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BLOG-BUDDY LINKY LOVE
The Bear is still tallying the votes and/or wrestling with ISP issues.
Meanwhile, I already know all 4 of my blog-buddies (the 2 blogs listed
above me and the 2 blogs listed below me on the Alliance HQ blogroll) voted in the New Blog Showcase this week. Which is very cool.
Here's more proof of coolness:
Susie of Practical Penumbra has discovered the hard way that the last 2 letters in Windows ME stand for "Mega-EWWWWW!"
Matty O'Blackfive showed me this picture, and I'm not sure what to make of it. Apparently Wesley Clark's a fecophiliac. He's probably into Japscat,
too. At any rate, he's now my least favorite candidate. I can't believe
someone running for the highest office in the land would be caught on
film, in public, putting his hands all over something that disgusting -
and even appearing to enjoy it!
Kevin of Eckernet gets a week's worth of blogging done in a single post
(Jan 18, CTRL+F "Duluth"), Highlights include "help Kevin pick a new
gun", and he also has the most common-sense quote I've ever heard from
Zell Miller on why he supports the War on Terror. Plus, he pointed me
to the NoBody Count
page, which lists an estimate of how many people Saddam HASN"T killed
since 3-20-03. I'll give you a hint: it's more than the number of crude
and/or suggestive comments I've made since I started this blog.
Physics Geek of physicsgeek seems to be having some ISP issues. I'll have to catch him later.
posted by Harvey at 8:38:07 PM permalink HOME
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BEST OF ME
The Best of Me Symphony #7 is up at XSet, where I found this delightful list at Smitten.
I'm torn - it's really good, but if I link it, my wife might follow the
link and do all those horrible things to *me* some fine Sunday morning
and ruin my precious sleep.
Hmmm...
Ok, I'll link it, but if my wife shows up, don't let her read it.
posted by Harvey at 7:58:09 PM permalink HOME
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SURPRISE QUOTIENT = 0
Talk about missing a good opportunity to shut up. The Emperor has alerted me to the fact that the *spit* Democrats are bashing the President's State of the Union Address BEFORE he's given it.
Assholes.
I'll quote the Emperor on this:
At least they're being honest for once. It doesn't matter what the President says on Tuesday, they're already against.
But my favorite line would probably be:
Which "essential" allies have we
alienated? france? BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Pardon us for saying so, but we think
that we'll somehow manage to get by without overpriced piss
masquerading as "wine" and runny brie. The ones that are our friends
are already on our side.
I wish MY dog could write like this.
posted by Harvey at 7:55:28 PM permalink HOME
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TROUBLE ABROAD
Jeff from BigStick.US finally made it to France. I must quote:
France is cool, but everyone here is either a democrat or a commie
It's like saying "elephants are either big or large", but I'll forgive
the poor boy his redundancy. Probably still suffering from jet lag.
posted by Harvey at 7:51:32 PM permalink HOME
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WINTER FREAKIN' WONDERLAND
I live in Wisconsin, and I drive 30 minutes to work every day. So far
this year it hasn't been so bad. It's more cold than snowy around here,
lately. But several times during each winter, I find myself oozing
through snowy darkness down a solid white road. If I'm lucky, there are
some tire tracks to follow.
I've never had a winter accident involving another car. But Dave did, and he draws it out in agonizing slow motion, and I think Hitchcock directs. It's quite a read, and I want to thank Kevin of Wizbang for pointing it out.
posted by Harvey at 7:49:31 PM permalink HOME
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OH YEAH? I GOT YOUR VOTE RIGHT HERE
Geez, turn your back on the Europeans for 5 minutes and they start plotting the non-violent overthrow of your nation:
...given the US’s unique role on
the international stage, is it morally right for its election to be
decided, or even participated in, only by its own citizens?
Look, I'm sorry you're stuck in a nation without freedom, and I'd love
to have you emigrate here if you'd like to make the most of yourself.
But if you want to continue living across the pond AND vote in American
elections, well...
...Actually, now that I think about it,... sure. Why not? The only
catch is that your socialist paradise has to sign on as the 51st state.
Once you've agreed to live your lives subject to the rule of the US
Constitution, we'll be more than happy to let you vote for the folks in
the Legislative and Executive branches who pass the laws that help keep
said Constitution working toward forming a more perfect union,
establishing justice, insuring domestic tranquilty, providing for the
common defense, promoting the general welfare and securing the
blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity.
Until then... not so much.
(Hat tip to the Bartender for finding this one)
posted by Harvey at 7:45:38 PM permalink HOME
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CHAMPAGNE JAM
The Bartender from Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon is at it again. The
Pervey Show Tales From the Champagne Room is prancing around under the
gaudy neon lights for your pleasure. Bring some dollar bills for
G-string-stuffing.
I'm kinda liking this entry from Dan of Pragmatic Conservative, 50 Ways
to Dump Your Lover. Sure the title is misleading, but far less so than
that retarded Paul Simon tune (at least Dan manages to break double
digits with HIS list of techniques).
The really funny part is that, despite the huge warning at the top
about obscenity & entertainment, some folks still bothered to voice
their disapproval (annonymously, of course) in the comments.
Look, moron, that's what the BACK button is for. If you really hated it
that much, just leave instead of wasting your time (and ours) bitching
& whining. At the very least, leave a REAL name so we can talk
about you behind your back.
F****** trolls.
posted by Harvey at 7:40:07 PM permalink HOME
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HIBERNATING?
Is anyone else having problems acessing the Truth Laid Bear?
He probably just pulled a Pooh & got his head stuck in a beehive or something.
posted by Harvey at 6:33:00 AM permalink HOME
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Sunday, January 18, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
O happy hours when I may once more encircle within these arms the
dearest object of my love - when I shall again feel the pressure of
that "aching head" which will delight to recline upon my bosom, when I
may again press to my heart which palpitates with the purest affection
that loved one who has so long shared its undivided attention.
posted by Harvey at 11:06:40 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Washington's admission of his youthful indiscretion almost cost him the
Presidency, until he explained it away by saying, "... but I didn't
harvest."
posted by Harvey at 11:04:02 PM permalink HOME
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HELP WANTED
The King of the Blogs Tournament is looking for a few good judges. Recommended requirements are:
Marsupial status in the Ecosystem OR
6 months blogging experience OR
Strong opinions on what makes a blog "good".
Duties & reponsibilities:
Reviewing posts on the 6 King of the Blogs Contestants during week one, and the 3 remaining contestants in week two.
What's in it for you?:
Either that warm, fuzzy, feeling from providing helpful feedback to smaller, newer bloggers, OR
The thrill of playing God - deciding who lives and who dies (virtually speaking).
Contact: Nick Queen [patriot -at- patriot-paradox.com]. See the King of the Blogs website for details.
(I'll just let everyone guess what I'm in it for. MUAHAHAHAHA!)
posted by Harvey at 10:40:21 PM permalink HOME
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YET ANOTHER HOPELESS PINGING ATTEMPT
Just kill me now.
1
2
posted by Harvey at 9:38:27 PM permalink HOME
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SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN JUNE?
(update 10:45pm: I replaced my poorly-worded synopsis of the FSP's goals with the quote from their website)
As I've mentioned before, the Free State Project
is
...a plan in which
20,000 or more
liberty-oriented people will move to New Hampshire, where they may work within
the political system to reduce the size and scope of government. The success of
the Free State Project would likely entail reductions in burdensome taxation
and regulation, reforms in state and local law, an end to federal mandates, and
a restoration of constitutional federalism, demonstrating the benefits of
liberty to the rest of the nation and the world.
And I just found out about this a few days ago:
ANNOUNCING
The First Annual Free State Project Porcupine
Freedom Fest and Night on the Barricades!
WHEN: Thursday, June 24, 2004 through Sunday, June 27, 2004.
WHERE: In the Free State, at Lancaster, New Hampshire, in Rogers Campground and Motel
WHY: The Free State has been chosen by vote of the Porcupines of the
Free State Project. It's time to show our spines. ALL who support the FSP and
our goals should come to meet, mingle, befriend, and plan!
HOW: Any way you can. Just get there. Rogers Campground and Motel
has set aside 26 motel rooms, 25 RV sites, and 100 campsites just for the Free
State Project, but only until January 31, 2004; after that, you're on your own.
Camping spaces, RV spaces, cabins, trailers, and motel rooms will go fast.
If you reserve before January 31, 2004 and mention the Free State Project,
you can get discounts for nights spent from Sunday through Thursday. (You
can make reservations now by calling 603-636-1062 or by emailing them).
WHAT: There will be a cabin rented and manned by the Free State
Project for the entire week, from Monday, June 21, 2004 through Sunday, June
27, 2004. Feel free to arrive any time during that week and explore the Free
State. On Saturday, June 26, 2004 there will one communal meal and one day of
display tables, vendors, confabs, speeches, and panel discussions, including a
welcome speech from FSP Founder Jason Sorens.
This is our first chance to show New Hampshire who we are and that we
*will* be migrating to the Free State. You won't want to miss this celebration
of individualism, individuality, and individual freedom!
Sounds like it could be fun.
posted by Harvey at 9:20:16 PM permalink HOME
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Saturday, January 17, 2004
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
Upon accusing me of a minor crime based on misinterpreted
circumstancial evidence and then finding out I was innocent, Beloved
Wife backpedalled with the following statement:
"Two plus two equals four, they were just the wrong twos"
posted by Harvey at 8:03:21 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
The Beauty that beholds me when I look upon you,
is like a tidal wave crashing down upon me,
both mesmerizing and stunning.
Warm and enveloping it is,
it brings ecstasy to know that it is mine.
How I wish to hold it,
to hold you, forever.
posted by Harvey at 7:58:20 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Bob, the soft-hearted manager of the local
A&W, went out of his way to hire former gang members to work for him as a
way to “give back to the community” by offering young thugs a fresh start.
While mostly successful, there was still the occasional problem with workers
gang-tagging the till.
posted by Harvey at 7:55:48 PM permalink HOME
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HIDING DIAMONDS
In the comments to my earlier New Blog Showcase vote post where I celebrated things disposable, LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands Alone
dropped this shapely, sexy, piece of text into my lap. As much as it
delighted me to revel in it's beauty by myself, my better nature forces
me to share:
I've never truly understood how washing, rewashing, and washing again
is more energy and environmentally efficient than disposable. True,
unless something is biodegradeable, it sits for a gazillion years
somewhere. But doesn't reuse require gallons of water, HOT water,
heated via electricity in heaters, and soaps, which enters the eco
chain in rinsing, and was made in factories that also contribute
waste... Unless you're washing these clothes in spring water hauled to
the house in handmade buckets, heated over a wood stove that burns only
fallen wood, cleaned with soap made from natural ingredients you
produced yourself, and dried on a clothesline made from natural fibers
that you wove yourself..... get the hell over it. I'd rather buy the
disposables, have a life in the 21st century, and as you say, Harv,
avoid the joys of ptomaine or whatever. I'm not unsympathetic to the
eco concerns, I just try to balance it all out. Ooops, look, my
styrofoam cup is out of coffee. :)
This girl just tickles me.
Now I wonder where I'd sign up for the spankings?
posted by Harvey at 7:10:14 PM permalink HOME
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BETTER NEW BLOG SHOWCASE
I liked this piece by Kirk of American Amnesia
(January 13 CTRL+F "insurgency"). One of the few I've read about the
war that I would actually classify as "factual" instead of opinionated.
The big point to take from this post is that it is possible to win
against an insurgency force, but it requires a campaign to win hearts
& minds along with killing guerillas. The author intimates, and I
tend to agree with him, that this is not necessarily a traditional
American military specialty.
Which brings up a point in my mind that the author does not address.
Can this BECOME an American military specialty? If the importance is
stressed, from W on down, then I think ANY strategy can be learned
& adopted. If there's anything our military is good at, it's making
adjustments on the fly as a new situation unfolds. I believe the
importance of the "hearts & minds" campaign is as well known to the
Pentagon as it is to Kirk, and I have great faith that it will be
implemented, the insurgency will be put down, and the battle for Iraq
will be long studied as the model of a nation-building campaign.
posted by Harvey at 2:54:17 PM permalink HOME
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FROM THE MILLION-TIMES-FORWARDED E-MAIL FILE
Courtesy of Blogless Brother Roy:
I received this warning about the use of this
politically incorrect
term. Please try to pay
attention to your
language!
"Towel Heads"
We have been informed
that the Islamic terrorists do
not like to be called "Towel Heads." The
item they
wear on their heads is actually a small sheet.
Therefore, from
this point forward, please refer
to them as "little sheet
heads."
Thank you for your support!
posted by Harvey at 2:41:41 PM permalink HOME
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AH, THE FRENCH
I've seen reports of the French offering there impedence help here and
there, but no one tells the tale better than Graumagus of Frizzen
Sparks:
Here's my prediction of an incident involving a French trained Iraqi officer:
Iraqi man: "Officer!! I have some disturbing news. I saw two men
place a suspicious package in a coffee bar 15 minutes ago, you must
evacuate the building!!"
Officer (smoking cigarette and sipping on espresso): "Who are you to say what is 'suspicious' or not? You're too judgemental."
Iraqi man: "It was ticking! Do something!"
Officer: "It was probably just a clock for a gift. If we interrupt
people's coffee they may get upset. Better you should just go home. We
just can't assume every ticking package left in a higly crowded area is
dangerous! That would affect the self-esteem of people who accidentally
forget gift wrapped clocks in coffee bars."
I left the best part at G's place. Go look.
posted by Harvey at 1:51:38 PM permalink HOME
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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: AMAZON PHONE NUMBER
I've never had trouble with Amazon.com, but someday I might. According to this post at American Digest, it's exceedingly difficult to find Amazon's 800 number. So just in case you need it:
1.800.201.7575 (Toll free, US and Canada)
1.206.346.2992 or 1.206.266.2992 (Outside US and Canada)
1.877.586.3230 (Canada only)
Now, if only I can remember the name of this post so I can find it again...
posted by Harvey at 1:09:57 PM permalink HOME
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DO WE NEED A WORD FOR IT?
Most days I have a little list (sometimes not so little) of things I have to blog about because I promised other people I would. Which is not to say that I don't want
to blog about it, and those things often make for some of my best posts
(like Filthy Lies, Precision Guided Humor assignments, and New Blog
Showcase votes), but they have an edge of mandatoriness about them that
gives them the flavor of work (like those columns that Lileks is forever complaining about).
I call it obligablogging.
Is there another word for it?
posted by Harvey at 12:16:55 PM permalink HOME
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HOW HIGH CAN A DRAGON FLY?
While peeping into Susie's virtual window (mmmm... love the new nightie, Susie), I discovered that Ith of Absinthe & Cookies has a goal of reaching 50,000 hits by Jan 26.,
her 2 year Blogiversary. A noble & worthwhile goal, but I'm not the
type to go around giving gratuitous linkage for no reason whatsoever.
So I went over to see if I could find a reason. Sure enough, it only
took about 10 seconds to find it. (Ith is like that, ya know).
Now, I've heard this before, but I hadn't thought of this point in
years, and I'm grateful to be reminded. When I heard Bush talking about
the Moon and Mars, I was like, "Eh, that's nice. If were going to
piss away tax dollars, might as well be for something cool-looking like
spaceships". But then, after spending 30 seconds with Ith, I was forced
to recall a much better reason to hit the skies.
Oh and about the title of this post. Ith's URL is ondragonswing.com,
which makes me think about dragons, which makes me wonder: can a dragon
fly in space? I mean, from what I understand, dragonflight is powered
more by magic than physics or aerodynamics, so would they really need
air to fly? I imagine some (but probably not all) would need air to
breathe, but you can always make them a space suit or something.
And by the way, does dragon poop have any magical properties? I've never heard it discussed.
posted by Harvey at 12:00:43 PM permalink HOME
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JUST NOT RIGHT
I can see at least 3 things that make this picture sick/wrong/amusing/funny as hell. One of which would be that peculiar little smile on her face.
Damn, Jed, don't you have an exam you should be studying for or something?
posted by Harvey at 10:58:54 AM permalink HOME
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Friday, January 16, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
But to see her was to love her, love but her, and love her forever.
posted by Harvey at 11:33:44 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Pleasingly pretty Practical Penumbra's persuasive pink purchasing power produces positively peculiar posts, people.
posted by Harvey at 11:31:59 PM permalink HOME
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE SPITE VOTE
I didn't like this one from Chandrasutra.
It had a good start poking fun at dumb TV commercials, but then it
wandered off down enviro-panic consumerism-lamenting pathways that just
made me roll my eyes.
The worst line?
"Funny, I hadn't realized that plain old reusable dish cloths were such a terrible inconvenience."
WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
This isn't about inconvenience, this is about sanitation.
The kitchen dish rag is a festering hive of nasty, smelly bacteria. If
you want to rub that foul thing all over your countertop and dishes,
that's fine, but personally, I think a clean, safe, cheap disposable
alternative is just what the doctor ordered.
Geez. I'll bet you re-use Kleenex, too.
posted by Harvey at 11:13:49 PM permalink HOME
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOUR IMPERIAL GRACIOUSNESS!
Emperor Darth Misha I celebrated his birthday today. What did this celebrating entail? Well, he was a little vague, but I think I can fill in the details with this list of Top 10 Ways That Misha Celebrated His Birthday:
10) Contemplated the possibility that Susie just might be his long-lost twin sister, from whom he was separated at birth... which would make him Luke, instead of Darth.
9) Attempted to break the ever-elusive "1000 comment" barrier by
posting, "I honestly don't see a problem with reasonable restrictions
on firearm ownership."
8) Personally delivered 71 pizzas to the IDF. Popped a few Paliswinians while he was over there, too. Not to mention discovering that JOOOOOOOS! are pretty good tippers.
7) Finished Imperial Primer Cards I-Z. Unfortuately, he got so pissing drunk afterwards in honor of his accomplishment that he forgot where he put them.
6) Thoroughly enjoyed himself at the First Annual "Thank G-d for Misha" Imperial Commemorative Orgy sponsored by Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon Corner of the Bar Babes. Subsequently ejected from the establisment for having sex in the Champagne Room in violation of the clearly posted rules.
5) Held a 2-for-1 special on the official Imperial coffee mug for the first 50 loyal citizens to sign up. The remaining LC's were branded as disloyal and executed.
4) Indulged in a few games of Whack-A-Hippie™
3) Had his Imperial ClueBat™ re-spiked.
2) Posted an entire entry without using the word "fuck" even once, just to see if he could do it. Almost drowned in the puddle of sweat caused by the effort.
and the number 1 thing that Emperor Darth Misha I did to celebrate his birthday:
1) He hugged his inner bunny.
Hope you had a good one, Misha. And may the many more to come be even better.
posted by Harvey at 11:03:05 PM permalink HOME
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SHE SHOULD DO HER DAMN JOB
Which is my answer to Owen's question about what the Wisconsin Attorney General should do when she's feeling conflicted:
Peg Lautenschlager, the Attorney General of Wisconsin, thinks that the proposed law is unconstitutional and is refusing to defend the state
in the case of a lawsuit brought against state. She says that her job
is to "defend the constitution on behalf of the people of
Wisconsin". The governor is insisting that the AG defend the state.
Look, Peg, honey, the only
difference between a government lawyer and a whore is the puddle of
goo. The State of Wisconsin paid for the full hour, so start servicing.
If you want to pretend you have principles that aren't for sale, you
should've chosen another line of work.
posted by Harvey at 7:19:14 AM permalink HOME
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HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR UNEXPLODED MOTHER, TODAY?
Frank has.
Well, not YOUR mother. His mother.
Actually, he just wrote her a poem, but it's very nice.
And a damn fine thing to do. Because if you don't have one of those moms that go "BOOM!", you should be grateful.
posted by Harvey at 7:01:14 AM permalink HOME
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Thursday, January 15, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
All I need is my one star in the sky to wish for you every day.
posted by Harvey at 10:37:17 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[57]
Although it requires significantly more flexibility than the more
famous numerically-denoted sexual position, its devotees claim that the
ecstasy is worth the effort.
posted by Harvey at 10:35:37 PM permalink HOME
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BEDTIME FOR GLENZO
(A FILTHY LIE)
It's not always easy being an Alliance agent, but a little hard work
and/or criminal activity is a small price to pay for helping to defeat
the Puppy Blender.
I figured some scandal would ruin his popularity among the
delicate-sensibilitied soccer-mom contingent, so, with lock picks in
hand, I made my way to his house, intent on plumbing the dark secrets of Evil Glenn's foul
sleeping chamber.
Turns out I didn't need the tools. The door was still in pieces from my last expedition. Stealthily, I crept inside, making my way toward his bedroom, where I gently shoved the door open to reveal...
Impenetrable darkness.
Hmmm... Ah! Light switch!
[click]
Empty.
There wasn't a single damn thing in the room.
"What the hell?" I mumbled to myself.
Evil Glenn: Something wrong, Currency Freak?
Harv: GAH! Don't sneak up on me like that!
Evil Glenn: Before I dial 911 to report your violation of my home's sanctity, may I inquire as to what you're doing here?
Harv: I was just, uh... selling Girl Scout cookies... uh... Thin Mint?
Evil Glenn: No sash, no beret, no green dress... I call bullshit... I'm also calling the cops...
Harv: All right! All right! I'm here trying to dig up dirt on your
bizarre sexual proclivities by finding out what's in your bedroom. I
have to free the blogosphere from your oppression... Alliance of Free
Blogs... Instapundo Delenda Est... yada yada yada.
Evil Glenn: Oh. Another stupid Alliance assignment that nobody but you cares about. Heh. Like I give a shit. Well, feel free to look around. As you can see, there's nothing here for me to be ashamed of.
Harv: I... I don't understand. What happened to all the stuff that was in here?
Evil Glenn: What "stuff" would that be?
Harv: Well, Phelps said...
Evil Glenn: DAMN THAT EVERLASTING PHELPS! Because of his hacking of my
Robo-maid, the INS found out she was here illegally, and she got
deported back to Robo-Mexico. Phelps will DIE! DIE! DIE!
Harv: That threat was more convincing when it was written in puce crayon.
Evil Glenn: Regardless, I had to "clean house", as it were, and get rid of all those shameful items he mentioned.
Harv: So they're all gone?
Evil Glenn: Yup. Sold 'em on eBay. Made quite the tidy sum.
Harv: So the copy of "Are You There Allah? It's Me, Osama"?...
Evil Glenn: Saddam picked that up. I guess he was tired of reading the
10-year-old issues of Ladies Home Journal that make up the bulk of the
prison library.
Harv: The Ronco Inside the Skin Puppy Scrambler?
Evil Glenn: David Letterman.
Harv: Letterman?
Evil Glenn: Why are you so surprised? A high-powered late night talk-show host like him needs a good energy drink to keep him going. Did you think that was COFFEE he keeps sipping out of that mug?
Harv: The autographed nude photo of Fidel Castro?
Evil Glenn: Heh. You wouldn't believe how much Michael Moore ended up paying for that one.
Harv: Tinfoil fedora? Wait... let me guess... Dennis Kucinich needed it to ward off the mind-controlling space lasers?
Evil Glenn: Got it in one.
Harv: How about the manuscript of "How To Take Over The World With A Website"?
Evil Glenn: Frank J. bought it.
Harv: Frank J!?!
Evil Glenn: Yup. Maybe you should start keeping an eye on your Fearless Leader.
Harv: Hmmm... anyway, what happened to the rest of the crap?
Evil Glenn: I donated it to the Salvation Army for the tax write-off.
Harv: You lie! Do you expect me to believe the IRS would give you credit for donating monkey toes?
Evil Glenn: They let Bill Clinton write off his used underwear.
Harv: Touché... So... there's nothing in this room you'd be embarrassed to have people find out about?
Evil Glenn: I'm a little angel.
Harv: Then what about the contents of... THIS CLOSET! [sliding open the door to reveal 800 pairs of knee-high white socks and 800 pairs of sandals]
Evil Glenn: So what? I'm a lawyer, not freakin' Stacy London! Whaddya gonna do? Call the fashion police on me? MUAHAHAHAHA!
Harv: I guess... I guess I've failed. There's no hope left for the Alliance.
Evil Glenn: Heh. I could've told you that
back in August. You might as well start bowing down before me now,
because you're doomed to become my mindless servant. Doomed. DOOOMED, I
SAY!
Harv: Yes, master. I will now murder hobos for your Satanic needs, and... Say,... what's behind this curtain?
Evil Glenn: NOOOOOOO! Don't touch that! No one must see my darkest secret!
Harv [pulling back the curtain]: Oh... Dear... GOD!
Evil Glenn: Uh... I can explain...
Harv: That's the most revolting...
Evil Glenn: Look. I'm willing to negotiate... If you keep quiet about this, I'll give you an Instalanche.
Harv: I don't know...
Evil Glenn: Come on. I won't even say "Indeed".
Harv: Well...
Evil Glenn: That's the spirit. Now just run along on home and don't
breathe a word of this. Check your referrer logs later. I believe
you'll be pleasantly surprised.
What can I say? I was weak. The temptation of more hits in one day than
I've gotten in my whole blog-life was just too much to resist. So I
left.
I suppose you're wondering why I posted all this, then... Is it because I'm dishonest? Unreliable? Untrustworthy?
No.
It's because THAT SON OF A BITCH GAVE MY INSTALANCHE TO MATTY O'BLACKFIVE!
So here's Evil Glenn's deepest, darkest secret. (Do I have to mention that it's not work-safe?)
Rot in hell, you lying bastard.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 10:25:30 PM permalink HOME
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JOEY HAD A DREAM
NOW HIRING
Blacks Only
I agree - this does seem to be where we're heading. Or at least where some folks would like to take us. It's just interesting to see it put in its starkest terms.
posted by Harvey at 6:38:53 PM permalink HOME
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I BETTER FORWARD THIS SO I DON'T WIND UP DEAD IN A GUTTER SOMEWHERE
Usually when I get a million-times forwarded e-mail (especially
if it asks me to pass it on) containing a dubious source citation, I go
to www.snopes.com to verify that
it's BS. Sometimes, however, Snopes comes up short. For instance, twice
in the last 2 days, I've gotten the cute, smarmy, annoying Lotus-Totus
e-mail, purporting to be from the Anthony Robbins Organization. I'm
familiar with Robbins' work, and some of the sayings sounded about
right, but this e-mail chain-letter-nonsense didn't quite seem like his
style. Snopes had nothing to say on the topic, however.
So, after a quick Googling, I found Break the Chain,
an organization that catalogs & debunks chain e-mails. I'm
bookmarking this place right under Snopes in my BS Detector folder.
posted by Harvey at 6:32:16 PM permalink HOME
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HAIKU FOR A WELL-TONED TUSH
Heather's fine, firm ass
Is succulent, not juicy
and, sadly, married.
posted by Harvey at 1:03:29 AM permalink HOME
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CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?
I peeped over at Baldilock's place and checked out the discussion on Paul O'Neill. I loved this quote:
I suppose that if the president took control of every meeting and
micro-managed ever miniscule decision made by his people, O’Neill would
be calling the president a tyrant who didn’t trust his cabinet.
Now, in the comments was a bitter little snark by someone who claimed
to be both serving his country and displeased with the President:
Personally, I believe that there needs to be a full accounting for what
has been done. The very thought of a president who circumvented the
Constitution, manipulated the American public's perception by shaping
intelligence and putting forth misinformation, violated international
law, and brought our country to war in order to pursue a personal
agenda is enough to make me feel sick to my stomach. As one of those
currently engaged in the war, I certainly wonder if I am carrying out
my oath of office to protect and defend the Consitution of the United
States against all enemies, foreign and DOMESTIC, in the right country.
Hmmm... unpleasant. He should be taken to task.... What's this?... It
looks like one of my favorite comment... whatever the opposite of a
"troll" is.... Teresa does a nice back-crackin' smack-down here:
Wow - Greg, I'm not sure I want you defending us since you seem to feel that we're in the wrong to begin with...
Circumventing the Constitution - I like that one - how? Where? If
you're going to mention Padilla and his ilk - forget it - that one is
still going through the Supreme Court - where the court will make the
descision and LO and BEHOLD - the president will abide by it. Until any
laws have been challenged and put down by the courts and are then
ignored by the party in power - no Constitutional rights have been
lost! I haven't seen him deploying any soldiers on American soil to
suppress descent. I haven't seen any protesters jailed and tortured -
so you lose me there.
Manipulated intelligence and put forth misinformation? Oh you mean
you actually listen to all those lies the Democrats keep throwing out
there about "what Bush said"??? I heard Teddy Kennedy ranting on today
about Bush and the "imminent threat" - trouble is Bush never said
anything about the threat being imminent. So you lose again. WMD - lets
just wait and see what we find. Iraq is a leetle bit big to be deciding
there are no WMD's and it's a bit hypocritical of the Democrats to rant
about something they thought was there too!
As for what Bush was planning and when - I certainly hope that any
party in power (Republican or Democrat) has contingency plans for any
of the rogue states out there. If they don't they are putting our
country in tremendous danger and don't deserve to be leading us. You
can't wait until something happens to plan what you'll do to fix it.
Get real here. There are plans for all those countries - including
North Korea and Iran.
Come up with some better arguments please!
It occurs to me that it's a shame for writing like this to be hidden
away in comments sections. It should be posted proudly on a blog's
front page. Trouble is, Teresa doesn't have a blog. And, although I've
been telling her for a while that she'd make a fantastic blogger, she's
still a little bashful about taking the plunge. I'm thinking that maybe
if enough other people give her some encouragement, she'll listen to
reason and give in.
Little help, here?
How about you, Bartender? Mike? You guys made the transition from comment anti-troll to blogger. What can you tell her?
posted by Harvey at 12:32:49 AM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, January 14, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I may not be totally perfect...
But parts of me are excellent!
posted by Harvey at 10:10:01 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Those who complete Olivia Newman's Lesbian Yoga course receive a unique graduation certificate after completing the auto-cunnilingus final exam. [Caution: XXX ahead. I'm not kidding]
posted by Harvey at 10:07:08 PM permalink HOME
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NO CHAMPAGNE?
So I was over at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon recently, and I couldn't help but notice there was no edition of Tales From the Champagne Room this week. So I inquired politely...
Harv: Hey Bartender! Champagne Room? What the f***?
Bartender: F*** off, ya perverted freak! I've been busy!
My Spidey-Sense was tingling, so I decided not to pursue the matter further with him. However, after making a few discreet inquiries amongst the Corner of the Bar Gang, I finally discovered the top 10 reasons why the Bartender's been so busy:
10) While preparing the Round-up, he came across Helen's "blogging nekkid" picture and, uh, got *ahem* distracted.
9) He was trying to stop Matty O'Blackfive from driving off with this week's Heineken shipment.
8) He had to take his dog to the Howard Dean Obedience Training School (You! Sit Down!)
7) He's puzzling over how to get his son Bob out of the crocodile before his wife gets home.
6) He sold his soul to Milhous and has been running all over Springfield trying to get it back.
5) He's still at the grocery store, trying to decide between paper & plastic.
4) He's frantically reviewing his diary, trying to come up with 20 more events to list for his next installment of "After Your Fifth Drink..."
3) He can't decide who to give the next Above & Beyond medal to, so he's drinking until he earns it himself.
2) Kang A. Roo quit unexpectedly, so he's been looking for a replacement. Watch for "Dumb Ass Jokes Told by Hillar E. Shrew."
And the number 1 reason why the Bartender's been too busy to post the Champagne Room Link Fest O'Love:
1) Spnak Frnak!
posted by Harvey at 9:54:39 PM permalink HOME
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SEMPER FI
I spent 6 years in the Navy, and during that time (and after), I've
talked my share of trash in the name of inter-service rivalry, but if
you come straight out & ask me, the Marines are the branch of the
American Armed Forces that I have the most respect for. Via Mike the Marine, I found THE post to explain why this should be so. Here's a cut:
All of the services have glorious traditions, but no one
teaches the young soldier, sailor or airman what his uniform means and why
he should be proud of it. But - ask a Marine about World War One, and you
will hear of the wheat field at Belleau Wood and the courage of the Fourth
Marine Brigade, fifth and sixth regiments. Faced with an enemy of superior
numbers entrenched in tangled forest undergrowth, the Marines received an
order to attack that even the charitable cannot call ill - advised. It was
insane. Artillery support was absent and air support hadn't been invented
yet, so the Brigade charged German machine guns with only bayonets,
grenades, and indomitable fighting spirit. A bandy- legged little barrel of
a gunnery sergeant, Daniel J. Daly, rallied his company with a shout, "Come
on you sons a bitches, do you want to live forever"? He took out three
machine guns himself, and they would give him the Medal of Honor except for
a technicality, he already had two of them. French liaison- officers,
hardened though they were by four years of trench bound slaughter, were
shocked as the Marines charged across the open wheat field under a blazing
sun directly into the teeth of enemy fire. Their action was so
anachronistic on the twentieth-century battlefield that they might as well
have been swinging cutlasses, but - the enemy was only human; they could
not stand up to this. So the Marines took Belleau Wood. The Germans called
them "DOGS FROM THE DEVIL"
It's about a 5 minute read, top to bottom. If you know a Marine and
would like a better understanding of their "why", you owe yourself the
whole thing.
posted by Harvey at 6:01:10 PM permalink HOME
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RAY OF SUNSHINE
While the rest of the bitch-&-moan-osphere is complaining about this annoyance & that inconvenience,
Joey of Single White Male takes the high road. Despite a recent
quadruple wisdom tooth extraction, he takes the time to lay out a short list of why it's great to be young, American, and Joey. Here's my favorite:
4. The Future
Coddamn, where do I start? You
know, I have so much potential. There are so many possibilities. Even
the skies not the frikkin' limit.
You know, my word power isn't
strong enough to desribe this. Just, try this: Put yourself in the
shoes (in my case sandals) of a high-school senior who has his entire
future ahead of him, in a country where anything is possible.
I think I'll get a top-of-the-line
fat suit, wig, and ugly baeball cap and make mockumentaries as a fat,
stupid liar, or my own made up version of Michael Moore. (a la Andy
Kaufman/Tony Clifton)
Maybe life ain't so bad after all.
posted by Harvey at 5:54:26 PM permalink HOME
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69 AT SNOOZE BUTTON DREAMS? JUST A COINCIDENCE.
The Carnival of the Vanities is up at Snooze Button Dreams, and Jim hosts with his usual good taste.
*ahem*
Anyway, from there I found eTalkinghead doing a take on the absence of retribution
being rained down on Hillary for her remark that Gandhi "ran a gas
station in St. Louis". Some folks are outraged at the double standard,
because Trent Lott was punished for his racially insensitive remarks and Hillary wasn't. Dustin's point is this:
I don't buy that just because a Republican might
not have received a free ride, Hillary should suffer. As much as I
dislike the junior senator from New York, her opponents are wrong this
time.
Which does have merit as a point of view, and I agree with him. I think
the "Apu running the Kwik-E-Mart" stereotype is funny, so I'm not going
to whack Hillary for making use of it.
On the other hand, I find it hypocritical if ANYONE who disparaged Trent Lott for his comments fails to be just as vociferously condemning of Hillary's
racial "insensitivity". A thought-crime for one should be a
thought-crime for all, or else the thought police lose their
credibility.
Not that they ever had any.
posted by Harvey at 5:48:43 PM permalink HOME
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Tuesday, January 13, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping,
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment I spend with you is a moment I treasure...
posted by Harvey at 6:53:41 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
[Guess who goes through your mail? I do.]
Instead of my income tax refund check, I found this in my mailbox. Apparently there's nothing that bastard Howard Dean won't do to fund his campaign!
posted by Harvey at 6:51:26 PM permalink HOME
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BETTER ANTI WAR SLOGANS
Sure, right-wingers may be stupid, but at least we're not trite and uncreative. The Pro-Saddam lefties trot out the same tired old slogans for every protest:
Bush = Hitler
No blood for oil!
War is always a mistake
Global war industry = weapons of mass destruction
BOR-ing!
For the sake of this week's Alliance Precision Guided Humor assignment,
let's see if we can't make some improvements (NOTE: lest you accuse me
of making things up, damn near all of these are based on actual protest slogans):
Bush lied! People died! We're glad Saddam is on our side!
Give appease a chance.
Where are the WMD's? Hey! No fair looking in the palaces!
America - stop killing innocent Iraqis! That's Saddam's job!
All blood is red! So are crayons. We like crayons. Crayons for peace. Maybe some nice, juicy
tomatoes, too. Ooooh! And strawberry Jell-o!
They're selling war; we're not buying. Boycott Evian!
Peace; not shattered lives. Except in America
Brains not bombs. Since we have neither, we demand peace!
UN Yes! Wild West No! Tofu Definitely!
No war in our name. Just oppressed Iraqis
Violence breeds violence. Let's breed peace. Sheep are peaceful. Let's be more like sheep.
Let's bomb Texas; they have oil too. Then we'll bomb Arizona because it has a desert. And
Indiana because it starts with the letter I. And bomb my house because my dad's a jerk. Can you
believe he charges me rent to live in the basement?
Iraq is not the enemy. The enemy lies within. Wait... does that mean I'm the enemy? I'm
confused...
No blood for oil! No brains for peace!
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 6:44:06 PM permalink HOME
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HAPPY THOUGHTS
Howard Dean is an honest man. A man of his word. A man of God's word. A man... *snicker*
Nevermind. I can't do this with a straight face. The truth is that
Howard Dean busted an artery at a pancake breakfast and wound up in the very special version of Hell that J of Quibbles & Bits had prepared for him:
Howard Dean spun around. "Who the Hell are you?" he demanded.
The tall figure stepped toward him, cloven hooves leaving smoking
footprints on the dark floor of the frightening forest. His scarlet
skin danced with flames, belying his calm demeanor. He smiled a smile
of a thousand pincushion teeth. His jet black horns quivered with glee,
and his black bat-wings fluttered in eager anticipation.
"Oh Howard, you don't recognize me?"
"Why the hell should I?" he growled. A vein pulsed in his temple, reflecting the pounding mambo beat of his angry heart.
"Because you allegedly know the Bible, and the consequences of sin," the red man said.
"Hey, I read Job once," Dean grumbled. "What the hell, I'll take a
guess. Hmmmmm.... red skin, horns, leathery wings, menacing Aura of Eviltm... Are you Dick Cheney?"
The red figure laughed. "No, I'm not Dick Cheney. Try again."
"Well, I've met Hillary Clinton and you're no Hillary Clinton."
"Thank God for that," the red man muttered.
Of course, I'm a touch suspicious of J's explanation for Howard's untimely demise. I couldn't help but notice that Dana's been doing a lot of quilting lately. Possibly to strengthen her fingers for a strangling expedition. Or perhaps it's just coincidence...
posted by Harvey at 6:32:30 PM permalink HOME
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IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! IT'S...
...a Bonfire! And the Vanities are crackling madly at The Evangelical Outpost. All the rampant suckiness from around the fetid underbelly of the blogosphere is yours for the perusing.
And while wallowing through the hideousness, be sure to stop by Dogtulosba's particularly mangy offering, as he chronicles the horrifying Dihydrogen Monoxide calamity that so recently terrorized Seattle. Shudder now at this brief excerpt:
People everywhere are in panic. School districts are closing in fear of
the reprocussions from the chemical attack. "It will turn [the
children] into raving monsters...throwing [the chemical] at each
other," one parent was noted as saying. In particular, school
authorities and parents are worried about the process in which children
can easily turn the semi-solid chemical substance into a full solid by
simply compacting it with their bare hands and a little bit of the
liquid chemical substance. These "chemical grenades" have been known to
cause terror in many places in the Midwest as well.
OH THE HUMANITY!
posted by Harvey at 6:20:28 PM permalink HOME
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OBSESSION OR ENJOYMENT?
Chatting with my wife this morning about the Lord of the Rings. She's
amazed that some of our friends (male geeks from back in high school
with whom we still keep in touch) still know so much about the details
of the books to compare them to the movies. I suggested that maybe it
was because they read the books more than once.
"Why would you do that? You already know the ending." was her response.
Which led to a discussion of re-reading books & re-watching movies.
She almost never does it. She's always looking for something new.
Me? There's probably at least half a dozen things I've seen or read
upwards of 10 times, and I can't even begin to count all the things
I've read or seen at least twice. If something is good, I want to go
back and enjoy it again.
So now I'm wondering... Is this a guy thing vs. a chick thing, or is it
more a do-it-again person thing vs. a do-something-new person thing?
posted by Harvey at 7:31:23 AM permalink HOME
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Monday, January 12, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Heavenly Father full of grace,
Bless my wife's beautiful face,
Bless her hair that grows so straight,
And keep her away from the men I hate!
posted by Harvey at 10:56:34 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Trixie, the Times Square Wonder Hooker had practiced her art all
over the world and made a fortune while doing so. She was especially
proud of her first dollar of clear profit garnered from her Geisha-Girl
apprenticeship in Tokyo.
posted by Harvey at 10:54:38 PM permalink HOME
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'ROLLING THE MONKEY
In the latest voting at King of the Blogs, the 2-time reigning monarch, Vigilance Matters, was deposed.
Now, some folks accept defeat gracefully, and some go kicking &
screaming. VM is of the latter ilk, and it's nice to see him rip back at all those obnoxious judges who dissed his monkey pic.
So, since my blogroll needs more albino gorilla pictures, on he goes.
Maybe he could join the Corner of the Bar Gang, since he agrees with the Bartender that I'm a FREAK, and we could use a token simian to assuage the anger of the ACLU quota-mongers.
posted by Harvey at 10:42:51 PM permalink HOME
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OH, THEY'RE JUST ROCKS
So why are the "evil" Israelis fighting back with actual bullets?
Linda, over at Civilization Calls, links to a picture
that explains why maybe the jooooooos aren't the bunch of
hypersensitive, over-reacting monsters that some press reports make
them out to be.
posted by Harvey at 10:14:27 PM permalink HOME
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NECTAR OF THE GODS
When I did my interview at Misguided-Minioness-of-the-Puppy-Blender Jen's place back in October, I was asked about my favorite beer and answered thusly:
A: Best beer I ever had was when I was in the Navy,
stationed in Alameda, California. I used to go
sight-seeing in Berkeley, and there was a brewery/bar
there called the Triple Rock Brewery and Alehouse. The
had one called Red Rock Ale that had this rich, nutty
flavor that was to die for.
Physics Geek of physicsgeek has finished his batch of home-made beer, and he sent me a couple 24-oz bottles. This is PRIMO stuff. Now, I'm not a beer expert like that delightful drunken sot Matty O'Blackfive (not a gratuitous link - the picture is "must-see"), but I know what I like. THIS is something I like.
I took PG's suggestion and decanted the brew gently into a glass so as
to avoid the yeast sediment. My first impression was that it was a bit
dry, and the aftertaste was a little bitter, but even initially, the
flavor was rich, strong, and smooth without being overpowering. As the
beer had a chance to breathe a bit, the dryness & aftertaste became
unnoticable as the rich, creamy, mildly carbonated and full-flavored
delight of the beer took over. There's good hint of nuttiness, maybe
even a tiny touch of fruit. It's hard to tell. All I can say is I wish
I knew of a commercially produced micro-brew I could buy locally that
has all the character of PG's concoction. I'd be buying that stuff by
the gallon.
So, in closing, I'll say this. When PG offers you a home brew - take him up on his offer. You'll be DAMN glad you did.
posted by Harvey at 9:46:51 PM permalink HOME
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TROUBLE BREWIN'
While J over at Quibbles & Bits waits anxiously to find an agent, he's decided to re-open the bloody, scabrous, infected, pus-dripping wound of PC vs. Mac with this post.
Sheesh. The things some folks will do for traffic.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got exclusive, uncensored Paris Hilton videos to post.
posted by Harvey at 8:50:19 PM permalink HOME
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MILLER TIME
Despite some of his weird lefty beliefs, I really like Dennis Miller as
a comedian. Mostly for the sheer joy that hits me when I actually pick
up on some of his more obscure literary or historical allusions. Ever
since 9/11, he's been very supportive of the War on Terror, and having
a rapier wit like that on our side is a great boon.
Via Note-It Posts who pointed to Viking Pundit, I found a great interview with Miller
that you can read to see what I mean. However, the reason I'm bringing
him up has more to do with this comment he made about football that is
perfectly correct, but which I'd never thought of before:
MILLER: Any time you hand people
who are in their early twenties $10 million, you're going to have some
problems. By and large, I was impressed by how dedicated and charitable
these guys were. We always read about the athlete with the gun who gets
pulled over. But look, there are 50 players on a team, and there are 32
teams-about 1,500 players. Take any group of 1,500 men in that age
bracket and I'll bet you that over the course of a year one of them
gets pulled over for speeding and has cocaine. It's just the nature of
the beast. Ninety-nine percent of those football players are some of
the greatest guys I've ever met. A couple of them gave me a "screw
you." But, you know what, a couple of them should have said that. I'd
think I was a punk, too.
Good point, Dennis. I wish they'd left you on Monday Night Football.
You may not know the game as well as Madden, but at least you're not a
drunken, mumbling idiot whose wittiest comment is "Boom!".
posted by Harvey at 8:47:11 PM permalink HOME
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BLOG-BUDDY LINY-LOVE
"I think that I shall never see,
Blog-buddies cooler than those linked to me"
- Joyce Kilmer
Besides being consistent voters in the New Blog Showcase, here are some reasons why my Blog-Buddies are the coolest:
Susie of Practical Penumbra can't stop talking about how much pleasure her live-in companion brings her. Allow me to selectively quote:
"in... behind... take me... hard... joy... took out... put in... bad... bad... 14 hours... stuff... laying... cool"
Matty O'Blackfive has a story about a firefighter
who went all the way to New York to help with the 9/11 clean-up. It's a
little graphic, and a little intense, but I appreciate it for that
fact, because when I think about that day, I want to know EXACTLY what
happened. Save the sugar-coating for your Frosted Flakes.
Kevin of Eckernet (who needs to stop posting his showcase vote at 11pm,
because it gives me the twitching willies thinking he might miss out
& spoil his perfect record) is still posting lightly, so I have to
dig in the archives. This, however, is priceless. The 52 points of the PC Catechism. I'll just give you a few, but they're all spot-on.
1. Affirmative action is not about lowering standards.
2. Affirmative action never has anything to do with quotas.
3. The transformation of Cuba from Latin America`s wealthiest
country into its poorest does not mean that socialism does not
work.
4. The transformation of Russia from the world`s largest food
exporter before communism to the world`s largest food importer
during communism does not show that socialism does not work.
5. Comparing East Germany (before unification) with West
Germany, or Red China with Taiwan, Hong Kong and Singapore, or
North Korea with South Korea, one cannot conclude that
capitalism works.
And PhysicsGeek, in addition to having the best beer in town (or so I will soon discover), has a list of top 17 bumper stickers that he'd like to see. I'll give you one of 'em, you can get the rest yourself in about 60 seconds:
The proctologist just called... they found your head.
posted by Harvey at 8:37:54 PM permalink HOME
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE VOTER LINKY-LOVE SOURCE CODE
<a href="http://imao.us/">IMAO</a> (577 links) - 2811
visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://nicedoggie.net/">Anti-Idiotarian
Rotweiler</a> (544 links) - 2786 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.flyingchair.net/"></a><a
href="http://blackfive.blogs.com/">Blackfive - The Paratrooper of
Love</a> (284 links) - 1294 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://voxday.blogspot.com/">Vox Popoli</a> (86
links) - 920 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a
href="http://www.discountblogger.com/">DiscountBlogger</a>
(189 links) - 500 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.evangelicaloutpost.com/">the evangelical
outpost</a> (275 links) - 473 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/"></a><a
href="http://sayanything.typepad.com/">Say Anything</a> (108
links) - 352 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.dowingba.com/">Tao of Dowingba</a> (116
links) - 336 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://angermanagement.mu.nu/"></a><a
href="http://practicalpenumbra.mu.nu/">Practical Penumbra</a>
(220 links) - 262 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://annikagyrl.blogspot.com/">annika's journal
& poetry</a> (151 links) - 260 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://laughingwolf.net/"></a><a
href="http://madfishwillies.mu.nu/">Madfish Willie's Cyber
Saloon</a> (189 links) - 198 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://etalkinghead.com/">Political commentary, analysis
and opinion: eTALKINGHEAD.com</a> (164 links) - 195 visits/day
<font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.taintedbill.com/"></a><a
href="http://coloradoconservative.blogs.com/colorado_conservative/">Colorado
Conservative</a> (82 links) - 187 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.anenglishmanscastle.com/">An Englishman's
Castle</a> (94 links) - 181 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.asininity.com/"></a><a
href="http://silverblue.org/mt">Ramblings of Silver Blue</a>
(180 links) - 173 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://radio.weblogs.com/0126975/">Bad Money</a>
(153 links) - 172 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://debbyestratigacos.blogspot.com/">Being American
in T.O.</a> (109 links) - 169 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://gevkaffeegal.typepad.com/the_alliance/">The
Alliance</a> (178 links) - 168 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://ondragonswing.com/journal/gaggle"></a><a
href="http://www.pardonmyenglish.com/">Pardon My English</a>
(129 links) - 150 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.serenitysjournal.com/"></a><a
href="http://simonworld.mu.nu/">Simon World</a> (96 links) -
148 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://angelweave.mu.nu/">angelweave</a> (145
links) - 128 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.postmodernclog.com/">Le Sabot
Post-Moderne</a> (177 links) - 124 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.seethedonkey.com/">See The Donkey</a>
(81 links) - 122 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.dogtulosba.com/">dogtulosba, ink. - soapiate
of the masses</a> (70 links) - 100 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.alteredperception.net/"></a><a
href="http://cannon.blog-city.com/">Cannon's Canon</a> (71
links) - 98 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.danegerus.com/weblog/"></a><a
href="http://hallsofmontezumashoresoftripoli.blogspot.com/">From the
Halls to the Shores</a> (86 links) - 96 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.KenshoGodchaser.com/"></a><a
href="http://donotremove.net/">The Everlasting Phelps</a> (87
links) - 88 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://s-train.h2cmedia.org/">The S-Train
Canvass</a> (82 links) - 87 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://aimlessforest.net/"></a><a
href="http://physicsgeek.blog-city.com/">physics geek</a> (101
links) - 74 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://gcruse.typepad.com/">The Owner's Manual</a>
(75 links) - 73 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.dayslimit.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.vrwc.us/">VRWC, Inc.</a> (116 links) - 66
visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.emersons.net/"></a><a
href="http://www.calpoly.edu/%7Edoleary/blog.htm">DAN K OLEARY DOT
COM BLOG</a> (91 links) - 63 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.thepatriette.com/"></a><a
href="http://winceandnod.blogspot.com/">Wince and Nod</a> (110
links) - 58 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://self-composed.com/"></a><a
href="http://sithoughts.mu.nu/">Semi-Intelligent Thoughts</a>
(75 links) - 52 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.anti-com.com/weblog"></a><a
href="http://www.mcsegeek.net/"></a><a
href="http://civilization-calls.mu.nu/">Civilization Calls</a>
(74 links) - 46 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.homicidalmaniak.com/"></a><a
href="http://grimbeorn.blogspot.com/">Grim's Hall</a> (75
links) - 34 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://son-shade.diaryland.com/"></a><a
href="http://blatherreview.mu.nu/">BLATHER REVIEW</a> (92
links) - 33 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://sugarwhitesand.com/">CandyUniverse</a> (114
links) - 32 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://tombux.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.realitysvoice.org/blog.html">Five Wasps</a>
(78 links) - 32 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.frizzensparks.com/">Frizzen Sparks</a>
(65 links) - 30 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://pstupidonymous.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.bigredgiant.com/">BigRedGiant.com</a> (87
links) - 28 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.rocksolidcorp.com/weblog/index.html">Not
Quite Tea and Crumpets</a> (87 links) - 26 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://nossn.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://irrationalnoise.com/handh.php">Hypocrisy and
Hypotheses</a> (85 links) - 26 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://curi.us/domain/">curi's domain</a> (73
links) - 26 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://thecommonvirtue.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.eric1967.blogspot.com/">Certus Veritas</a>
(89 links) - 24 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://eleganceagainstignorance.blogspot.com/">Elegance
Against Ignorance</a> (85 links) - 23 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a
href="http://myweb.cableone.net/luciuszedaker/"></a><a
href="http://roxettebunny.mu.nu/">Hoppings of Roxette
Bunny</a> (80 links) - 18 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://coolkids.blog-city.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.gleefulextremist.com/blogger.html">The Gleeful
Extremist</a> (76 links) - 15 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://belisaurius.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.johnalism.com/">Johnalism.com</a> (57 links)
- 13 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://wasteofbandwidth.net/dseip/ssp"></a><a
href="http://giveblood.blogspot.com/">Single White Male</a>
(63 links) - 12 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.dangerousliberty.com/"></a><a
href="http://leahguildenstern.blog-city.com/">Leah
Guildenstern</a> (62 links) - 10 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.mib.net/blogs">Being English in New
York</a> (56 links) - 9 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a
href="http://www.conservativecajun.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://interested-participant.blogspot.com/">Interested-Participant</a>
(138 links) - visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://eckernet.com/">Eckernet.com</a> (72 links)
- visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a
href="http://www.chriscam.com/index2.htm"></a><br>
posted by Harvey at 7:45:20 PM permalink HOME
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CLASS
Let's say you have a rude, bigoted, obnoxious troll in your comments.
Then let's say that, through an odd happenstance, you actually manage
to recognize him in the real world.
What would you do?
Whatever your choice, I don't think you could've handled it any better than S-Train.
So they get their grub on and leave (with tips, always good) and I
walk outside and say, "Where's that HOGG Boss fella?" And he turns
around, kind of mystified, and says. "What's up." So I just say, "Do
you visit a website/blog called The S-Train Canvass?" His eyes open up
a little and he says why? I say that I've seen the name HOGG Boss on that site since I check it out also. Now he looks a little more comfortable and says what I wanted to hear:
Yeah, you must have seen me giving that S-Train guy a hard time...
I just smile and say, "Your lookin' at the S-Train" while showing him my right arm tattoo that has S-Train there.
And yes, it gets better from there.
(tip of the hat to Lynn of Reflections in d minor for the pointer)
posted by Harvey at 7:02:57 AM permalink HOME
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Sunday, January 11, 2004
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LOOKING FOR AN AGENT
J of Quibbles & Bits is probably one of the most entertaining fiction authors
I've ever had the pleasure of reading, and I'm forever yapping about
this or that great piece that he's posted, because these things are
professional-quality, and your chance to be able to say "I read world
famous author Josh Fielek's works back when he was just a blogger"
isn't going to last forever.
In fact, J is currently looking for an agent. Unfortunately, I have no
connections in the literary world. However, if any of you have a lead
on where J could find an agent, please drop a comment at this post on his site.
posted by Harvey at 11:19:50 PM permalink HOME
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QUESTION OF THE DAY
via Blogless Brother Roy. It was amidst a bunch of Stephen Wrightish
witticisms, but I'm actually serious about wanting to know the answer,
because this question has bugged me for a long time:
How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Any ideas? Or do I have to ask Jen on this one?
posted by Harvey at 11:07:26 PM permalink HOME
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FROM WHENCE?
In the comments to this post, Chris of Tao of Dowingba asks an intelligent question:
[W]here do you find all this graffitoed money? Are these
actually bills you own that you scan? Does all American money have
funny things scribbled on it?
Ok, 3 questions. Anyway, answers are as follows:
I work at a bank, where I am the teller in charge of the cash vault for
my branch. Consequently, I personally view on the order of 6000 bills
per week, give or take. Anytime I see one with "interesting
characteristics", I acquire it through approved money-handling
procedures, and place them in my personal collection at home. All the
modifications were done by someone else, they are all real, and there
is no photoshopping on my part. All the bills I post were found in
circulation except as otherwise noted.
And yes, all American money has funny scribbling on it. "Legal tender
for all debts public and private". Heh. Sounds like they're describing
a steak.
posted by Harvey at 10:53:49 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
If all those glittering monarchs that command the servile quarters of
this earthly ball should tender in exchange their shares of land, I
would not change my fortunes for them all. Their wealth is but a
counter to my coin... the world is but theirs; but my beloved is mine.
posted by Harvey at 10:42:27 PM permalink HOME
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MEANWHILE AT MADFISH WILLIE'S
I don't see the Champagne Room round-up yet. I hope I don't have to rescue the Bartender from Evil Glenn's clutches again. But at least there's another list of stolen comedy to keep us content for a little while.
- After your fifth drink, you’re like Don Juan with the ladies: They Don Juan nothing to do with you.
- You suspect that water, taken in small quantities, isn’t all that dangerous.
- You occasionally have meals with your wine.
- You wake up every morning at the crack of ice.
- You drink to forget you drink.
I left the other 15 on the Bartender's counter. Go take a peek
posted by Harvey at 10:29:30 PM permalink HOME
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WHY US FOREIGN POLICY WORKS
Via the Carnival of the Vanities #68, comes this delightful and informative no-punches-pulled screed from Solomonia on why the big stick has been working better than our previous policy of squishy, boiled carrots:
Thing is, we are not just doing this for ourselves. We are, once
again, acting to protect all of western civilization including some of
our harshest critics. We're not making a deal with AQ or OBL or
Khaddaffi, saying "The US is off limits but have at Australia or Canada
or Germany or France and we won't do anything". Which I honestly
believe (don't you?) is a deal France and probably Germany would make
in a heartbeat. What we are saying to these countries is that state
sponsored terrorism of this type must stop. It will stop. You will stop
it. Or we will remove you and replace you with people who will try to
stop it.
And you know what? That IS a more mature and balanced response. The
whole thing of trying to bribe the religious bullies and cut throat
dictators into something approaching reasonable behaviour has a legacy
of forty years of abject [f******] failure. I defy you to show me a
single nation that has emerged from under the rule of either theocracy
or dictatorship because of buying them off. You can't. Not one. It.
Doesn't. [F******]. Work.
There's plenty more, and it's all a joy to read.
posted by Harvey at 10:21:40 PM permalink HOME
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SNARKTASTIC
The charming and voluptuous Venomous Kate has episode 15 of Hunting of the Snark available for your enjoyment.
The one that intrigued me most was Suburban Blight's compaint about Sudden Onset Troll Sydrome, a disease I've been trying to catch for months with no luck. Count your blessings, Kelley.
And if you're done with those trolls can you PLEASE send them my way?
posted by Harvey at 10:14:08 PM permalink HOME
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HOW TO SELL CRAP
Check to the left. There it is - proof that I'm a privileged capitalist. And damn proud of it.
One thing that makes capitalism work is getting the word out that you
have a product to sell, and then making that word sound attractive.
There's also the finer points of making this happen, one of which is
the art of suggesting without lying. I became acutely aware of such
techniques as the use of "weasel words"
to "imply without stating" during a single-semester Consumer Economics
course in High School. Reading Vance Packard's atrocious tome "The
Hidden Persuaders" was also informative.
So I have a mild fascination with advertising as a science. Via the New Blog Showcase, I found that The Greater Nomadic Council has an intriguing analysis
of the connection between the 60's counterculture and some rebellion
taking place simultaneously in the formerly-gray-flanneled halls of
Madison Avenue. It's an interesting and well-presented thesis. Worth a
read for all good capitalists.
posted by Harvey at 10:05:56 PM permalink HOME
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KING OF THE BLOGS RESULTS
After not nearly enough bloody & brutal infighting, the new King of the Blogs is:
ChristWeb
I'm hoping that since I actually gave this blogger a high mark in the
"overall blog" category, God will now stop cursing me with
disappointing Packer games.
SmarterCop came in a fairly distant second, and former monarch Vigilance Matters is left behind in forgotten obscurity. Looks like he'll have to off two bloggers this week instead of just one if he wants his crown back.
The full results can be found here.
My cruel and thoughtless reviews are listed below. Notice how craftily
I avoided the bother of judging the actual contents of the blogs, and
just let everything ride on technical merit. Damn I'm smooth.
******************
Judges Challenge:
The question:
What event in your life would you like to permanently forget? If your
life is either dull, perfect, or contains no regrets, make something up.
The answers reviewed:
ChristWeb:
Good points: Gave an excellent reason for not answering the question,
which I respect, and, frankly, tend to agree with myself - everything
in life is a lesson learned
Bad points: Didn't answer the question, the second part of which
allowed him the opportunity to make up a brilliantly witty tale. Blown
opportunity here.
Score: 7
SmarterCop:
Good points: Answered the question and sprinkled his fairly entertaining story with many amusing links
Bad points: Nothing wrong with the answer, but presentation-wise, it
was a solid block of text, and could've used a little paragraphing.
Score 9
Vigilance Matters:
Good points: Starts off with the cocky, arrogant bluster appropriate to
a tyrannical monarch, takes a little dip in the serious pool, changes
course for some silliness (I'm with you 100% on the dirty diaper
issue), and ends with a useful moral
Bad points: None visible
Score 10
WHOLE-BLOG REVIEWS:
Here are the things I look for when judging a blog:
Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)
To avoid redundancy, I'm only going to mention areas where a blog is
lacking on a feature. If I don't mention it, there's not a problem.
Content-wise, all 3 bloggers are excellent writers with a strong
command of the English language, and all 3 have great
commentary and creativity. I'm not grading for content in particular, because there's no significant gap in talent.
ChristWeb:
No problems here. He does use that horrid shade of eye-stabbing red in
his titlebar, but it probably represents Christ's blood or something,
so I'll let it go.
Score: 10
SmarterCop:
Mostly perfect, except I couldn't find an "About Me" post. Also, using
a pseudonym leaves open the question of the blogger's gender. If you
were my blogchild, would I hand out "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!"
cigars? It's hard to tell at a casual glance.
Score: 9
Vigilance Matters:
Mostly good. Major issues would be the lack of an "About Me" post, and
lack of a search feature (which can be easily fixed with a tiny bit of
script in the sidebar, thanks to Google (e-mail me & I can send it
to you)). Minor issues – although the blogger's name is prominently
displayed at the bottom of the page, it would be nice to have it in the
individual posts, or under the monkey picture. At the very least,
please consider putting a name under the monkey (preferably a clearly
male name, like "Mr.
McMonkey" or something). Also, the referrer's list at the bottom shows
up on my system as bright blue text on a dark gray background, which is
practically unreadable. You might want to fix it so that the white
background is under it.
Score: 8
******************
Over the next 2 weeks, the following bloggers will attempt to scratch & claw their way out of obscurity for your amusement:
ChristWeb
Blown Fuse
Canadian Comment
Cranial Cavity
Hobson's Choice
Vessel of Honour
Remember entrants, more brutality = more popularity.
Except for Christweb, who will, I'm sure, be calmly practicing his cheek-turning the entire time.
posted by Harvey at 9:49:53 PM permalink HOME
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GEM IN THE SHOWCASE
Good satire is hard to do. Especially the newspaper article format. The Onion does it, the Lemon does it, and Scrappleface is an absolute master at it. Flummery's entry in the new blog showcase tells me that there's an up and coming meistro of the technique. His showcase entry is one example, but there's more in the archives. A talented blogger who bears watching.
Saddam declared Douchebag. Heh.
posted by Harvey at 9:20:55 PM permalink HOME
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Saturday, January 10, 2004
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PROBLEM... SOLUTION
Via Boots & Sabers, I finally found a picture of Hillary Clinton that I liked from John of Argghhh!
Check out the comments at B&S for a little background on previous uses of that finger sign.
posted by Harvey at 11:36:53 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
You are more beautiful than music.
Your face is like a poem
And your eyes... heaven
posted by Harvey at 11:23:29 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Hey Dave, this Dollar is for one Beer. Beer Money. You weren't here to ask, Steve]
After getting both this dollar and an empty can surgically removed from
his ass, Steve finally realized just how bad of an idea it was to drink
Dave's last beer.
posted by Harvey at 11:21:51 PM permalink HOME
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EXCUSES, EXCUSES
I spent most of Thursday night trying to install a new motherboard into
Beloved Wife's computer with a great deal of technical assistance from
Blogless Brother Tom. Many hours later, it was as broken as ever.
On the bright side, BBT was kind enough to loan me a spare computer for
the Mrs. to use until a (hopefully) operational replacement motherboard
arrives. After many hours of tweaking & cursing, Beloved Wife once
again has an operational system with internet access. With a little
luck, I'll be able to accomplish maniacal quantities of blogging
tomorrow during the useless hours of the day that aren't the Packer
game.
By the way, did anyone else not get their showcase vote counted today?
posted by Harvey at 11:16:30 PM permalink HOME
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Friday, January 09, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I long for the simplest, yet most beautiful, things in life - the
gentle touch of your hand, the tenderness of your skin tightly pressed
against mine, the sweet taste of your lips, your angelic smile which
melts my heart - those are things money could never buy and nothing
could ever replace.
posted by Harvey at 10:32:42 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
In an effort to pander to black voters, Howard Dean tries to rhyme like
Jesse Jackson, and fails in the miserably craptacular fashion only
possible to a talentless hack of a no-rhythm-having piece of
Vermont-honky white trash.
posted by Harvey at 10:30:12 PM permalink HOME
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'ROLLING THE CHEESE
It's been a little slow at the bank since the holidays ended, so I've
occasionally found myself with time to kill after making my daily
blog-rounds. Usually I'd start with my referrer logs to see who's been
visiting, on the theory that anyone who visits my blog may be screwball
enough to write the sort of stuff I'd enjoy reading.
Well, I kept seeing LeeAnn's blog, The Cheese Stands Alone,
consistently showing up. I've heard a lot about LeeAnn, seen her linked
by members of my blogroll on occasion, and she's shown up in my
comments several times. So I've been poking around over at the House o'
Cheese lately, and discovered that she's got the kind of content that I
should be checking out more frequently.
For example, she found this TinyGrow site that wasted a good hour of my life.
And she lets odd little things fall out of her head like:
7. I stole a spoon from Cracker Barrel once while lunching with my mom.
She said I was going to hell. I told her not to worry, it was just a
spoon. She said, well, then you're going to spoon hell.
So, at this point, I'm starting to think, "Hmmm... my kinda girl".
Then a couple days ago she paid homage to Firefly, which is my favorite show in the entire universe, so yeah, she's a keeper. Onto the blogroll she goes.
Now if only I can figure out how to persuade her to put her cheescake pix back on her sidebar...
posted by Harvey at 7:21:02 PM permalink HOME
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THE LAST FLIGHT OF TIME
At the end of a good story, you say to yourself "that was pretty good".
At the end of a very good story, you say to yourself "I want to read
some of the author's other stories."
At the end of a great story involving an unnatural creature who forces
a good man to murder against his will, you say to yourself, "That
bastard! I want to tear that monster's guts out with my bare hands for what he
did!"
Go check out The Last Flight of Time by J of Quibbles & Bits, and see where you think it falls
on the scale. It's about a 20 minute read, and it's much better if it's
an undisturbed 20 minutes, because it almost physically hurts to get
yanked out of J's universe when he's in the groove like this.
posted by Harvey at 6:48:27 PM permalink HOME
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DROP YOUR SOCKS, AND GRAB YOUR...
...permalinks, because the deadline for submission to Madfish Willie's Champagne Room link-fest o' lust is Saturday at noon. Get your best R & X rated material to the Bartender forthwith. That's madfishwillie at hotmail.com
I know you said something dirty in the last week, otherwise you wouldn't be the kind of person to be visting my squalid deprav-o-blog.
posted by Harvey at 6:43:11 PM permalink HOME
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Thursday, January 08, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
And indeed I felt happy with her, so perfectly happy, that the one
desire of mine was that it should differ in nothing from hers, and
already I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her
thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path.
posted by Harvey at 7:26:36 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
A pen, a dollar, Bill Clinton, and a fit of pettiness.
posted by Harvey at 7:24:29 PM permalink HOME
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SUSIE'S TRUE IDENTITY
With a little bit of detective work, I've discovered that Susie's real
name is Sonya Thomas, she weighs 105 pounds, and she's 36 years old.
How do I know this? Simple, really. Check out Susie's Christmas post.
Then read this post from American Digest.
Now go ahead & tell me I'm wrong. I dare you.
Besides, I recognize that "my jaw is very tired right now" quote from a
previous non-fruitcake-related encounter that I am never to mention in
public, and...
DOH!
posted by Harvey at 7:14:38 PM permalink HOME
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LIKE I NEED AN EXCUSE
I prefer my coffee insanely strong. I have an espresso maker for home
use, and when I'm stuck at work, I put my coffee cup under the grounds
basket instead of the carafe so that I can get the purest, vitalest
juice possible as soon as the fluid starts flowing.
Debbye of Being American in T.O. informs me that this is actually a good thing:
Drinking more coffee may reduce the risk of developing the most common
form of diabetes, a study has found. Compared to non-coffee drinkers,
men who drank more than six eight-ounce cups of caffeinated coffee per
day lowered their risk of type 2 diabetes by about half, and women
reduced their risk by nearly 30%, according to the study in today's
issue of Annals of Internal Medicine.
Near as I can figure, Susie's gonna live forever.
Meanwhile, stop by Debbye's and find out which of the following is NOT "stuff":
a) milk
b) sugar
c) scotch
posted by Harvey at 7:04:26 PM permalink HOME
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WHAT DID SUSIE SAY?
Susie is having a caption contest for the picture of her as a toddler that she keeps in the upper left corner of her main page. Stop over and leave your idea in the comments.
From what I understand, she's taking bribes, so bring cash, Reddi-Wip, scantily clad firemen, and/or a limber tongue.
posted by Harvey at 6:54:36 PM permalink HOME
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PETA WHACKIN'
If you've said something nasty about PeTA lately, Heather's wants you to send her a link so she can include you in her PeTA-themed round-up.
If you're looking for a title, Heather, may I suggest "PeTA Poopers"?
posted by Harvey at 12:35:18 AM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Presidential Fun Fact: Alexander Hamilton was a Rastafarian.
posted by Harvey at 12:22:41 AM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, January 07, 2004
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EVIL GLENN AT THE ZOO
(A FILTHY LIE)
It was a sad evening for me. I'd been over at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, knocking back a few cold ones & enjoying Susie's amply bosomed company when I made the mistake of commenting on the bar's decor. The Bartender, being very sensitive about his decorating choices promptly had the bouncer courteously escort me to the exit.
What can I say? Puce-on-grey polka-dotted window treatments? EWWWW!
Anyway, I wound up driving around for a while, and my meanderings took
me past the Memphis Zoo. It was probably about 2am, but, surprisingly,
there was someone hanging out by the front gate. I slowed down to
rubberneck, and damned if it wasn't Evil Glenn himself. I parked the
car and went to investigate...
Harv: Hey, Evil Glen. Whatcha doin'?
Evil Glenn: GAH! Don't sneak up on me like that!
Harv: Sneak up? My muffler's been missing for a week and my brakes are
strictly metal-on-metal. Between the roar and the squeal, I make the Battle of Baghdad sound like 4'33". How the HELL could you not hear me pull up?
Evil Glenn: I was busy concentrating on fine-tuning my evil scheme.
Harv: Well, I've never heard self-pleasuring referred to by that particular euphemism, but I'm sorry I interrupted.
Evil Glenn: Don't worry about it. I'll finish off with the Hillurkey
later. Right now, I'll stick to showing you my latest nefarious undertaking.
Follow me.
Harv: Check your Rolex, Robot-Dancer. It's 2am. The zoo's closed.
Evil Glenn: If it were actually a zoo, you'd be correct. But it's not.
Harv: Hmmm... 20-foot-tall sign with the word "ZOO" on it. Am I missing something?
Evil Glenn: I own it.
Harv: But you couldn't even afford to keep your girlfriend in cheeseburgers! How could you afford a zoo?
Evil Glenn: Let's just say I had a "persuasive discussion" with the Mayor of Memphis.
Harv: Huh?
Evil Glenn: The man had certain "things" in his past that his wife didn't know about.
Harv: I'm not following you.
Evil Glenn: I BLACKMAILED HIM WITH GAY SEX PICTURES! My God, man! How freakin' dense are you?
Harv: Somewhere between neutron star and black hole. So what's this nefarious undertaking?
Evil Glenn: Follow me.
Harv: Check your Rolex, Robot Dancer. It's...
Evil Glenn: Don't f*** with me, Currency Freak!
Harv: All right! All right! Sheesh! What a crabby-ass bitch...
I followed Evil Glenn into the zoo, and we soon arrived at the main
office. As we entered, he turned on the lights, and I was confronted
with the most horrifying sight of my existence.
Posters.
Everywhere I looked. Posters.
Movie posters. With titles and pictures of their stars:
TIMMY TURTLE in SLAPPING SHELLS
GRANT GECKO in LIZARD LUST
GINA GRIZZLY in BACK DOOR BEAR
EDGAR ELEPHANT in WRINKLY WINKY (introducing Ron Jeremy as "the mahout")
SLITHERING SAMMY in ONE-LEGGED SNAKE
RANDY ANDY in RHINO RUMP-BUMP
MICHAEL MOORE in CLUBBING THE SEAL
Harv: Is...is that really Michael Moore?
Evil Glenn: Actually, we used a body double for that one, but it's almost impossible to tell the difference.
Harv: So you've converted the Memphis Zoo into your own little playground of unnatural perversion?
Evil Glenn: Everybody needs a hobby.
Harv: You filthy, disgusting, psychotic bastard! The Alliance shall hear of this!
Evil Glenn: Whatever. Hey, you should stick around. I'm about to start filming "Hoppin' & Humpin' 2: Marsupials in Mutton"
Harv [heading for the exit]: Leaving now.
Evil Glenn: Some people just don't appreciate fine art. Now... where did I put Wicked Wooly Wanda's stunt double?...
Ah! There it is!... Hmmm...[looking around at the now empty room]...
might as well finish fine-tuning the evil scheme... oh yeah!
Glenn has really gone off the deep end this time, turning the Memphis
Zoo into a Neverland Ranch of beastiality in a perverse attempt to
slake his revolting appetites. It's a sight no human eye should have to
behold.
But knowing the filthy lie truth, I can't help but wonder...
Was Evil Glenn also responsible for HILLARY CLINTON in BUFFIN' THE MUFFIN'?
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 10:28:18 PM permalink HOME
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Tuesday, January 06, 2004
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WHAT'S A POP-UP?
Just wanted to mention this. The coolest thing about Mozilla
as a web browser is that is has a setting that allows you to disable
all unrequested pop-up windows. It's the greatest invention since oral
sex.
posted by Harvey at 7:52:45 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
When she shall die,
Take her and cut her into little stars,
And she will make the face of heaven so fine,
That all the world will be in love with night,
And pay no worship to the garish sun.
posted by Harvey at 7:45:20 PM permalink HOME
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WEASEL PENANCE
Sure, France, Germany & Russia
are trying to make nice with us by forgiving some Iraqi debt, but they
REALLY hurt our feelings with all that "opposing the war" crap. Any
member of the Axis of Weasels who wants forgiveness has a few acts of contrition to perform.
First, some country-specific items:
France: Admit that Jerry Lewis isn't funny. We'd like that in writing, please.
Russia: Get a real alphabet.
Germany: Learn to drink your beer cold.
***************
Second, some stuff that goes for every last anti-war Weaselite out there:
Write 1000 times "I will not coddle terrorists." The UN can check it for spelling errors. I figure they can manage that much without screwing up.
Never miss a good opportunity to shut the f*** up.
At every press conference, wear a T-shirt that says: "I'm a two-faced crap weasel with bony girl arms and I smell like an elephant's butt!"
Drop & give me 20
We're revoking citizenship for the entire gang of Hollywood asshats. Please give them a nice home. Running water and toilet facilities are, of course, strictly optional at your discretion.
Bake us a nice batch of chocolate chip cookies. From scratch. Dough from a tube doesn't count
Flowers would be nice. Oh, and candy. Maybe a pair of diamond earrings, too.
Scrub our toilets. Yes, with your tongues.
Foot massages, all around.
Making English your country's official language would be a good touch.
We get to punch you in the arm. Ready? Go! Whoops! Two for flinching! [WHACK! WHACK!]
Your national hat is now the Stetson.
Your new National Anthem is "Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue"
There! Now doesn't it feel nice to have a clear conscience? Apology accepted.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:17:00 PM permalink HOME
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TRAVELLING TORCHLIGHT FREAKSHOW
Bonfire of the Vanities, that is. Now pouring out ghastly fumes at the formerly-respectable Boots & Sabers. I have to admit, Owen has a great handle on the snarky intros. This week's episode is worth visiting for those alone.
Come to think of it, it's the ONLY reason to visit, because all the entries are PURE CRAP!
Especially Jimmy Snoozebutton, who apparently hacked into my computer. I mean, I simply can't believe that it's pure coincidence that his list of New Year's resolutions is exactly the same as mine!
posted by Harvey at 12:12:17 AM permalink HOME
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Monday, January 05, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Kisses kept are wasted,
Love is meant to be tasted.
posted by Harvey at 11:50:18 PM permalink HOME
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KING OF THE BLOGS: THE DEATH OF THE THREE
The results are in for the first elimination round of the King of the Blogs Tournament.
At the end of week 1, with the scoring of a random post and the host's
challenge, the following blogs are still standing (highest to lowest
score):
Vigilance Matters
ChristWeb
SmarterCop
And now a personal note to Walking Stick, who captured the coveted "last loser" spot by managing to have one judge give him a 0 for not posting frequently enough:
You've got a good, quirky, stream-of-consciousness style of humor.
Don't let Evangelical Outpost's criticism get you down. Just keep
blogging.
posted by Harvey at 11:20:54 PM permalink HOME
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AMERICA'S #1 PIN-UP GIRL REVEALS ALL!
...In her interview over at Jen's place. Here are some highlights:
***********
Athletically speaking, could you beat Heather of Angel Weave
at anything? If so, what? If not, why haven't you tried? Are you
willing to put money on that?
Athletically? Well, maybe if we stretch the definition of that term
a little bit (it's been over ten years since I last played basketball).
*Moseying over to Heather's to
scope out any possible weaknesses.* Hey, lookie there! She got married
the day before I did! And she'll share an anniversary with my niece when she gets married this year! Hey, that's cool! Wait... I'm supposed to be kicking her ass. Hmmm... shit. She's a bodybuilder.
Things are not lookin' good here... ooh! Score! She "can't drink soda
because of the carbonation." There it is! I could KICK HER ASS in a
soda-drinking contest. Damn straight! That's athletic, right? No?
Hm.... well, after reading through Heather's entire "100 things about
me" list, I have to say I think she would kick my ass. The only
advantage I can see is that I have about 5 inches on her, so like her
mom, I could put things on very high shelves, out of her reach. I don't
think that qualifies as athletic, though. Damn.
Which Democratic candidate do you like the most of all and why?
That's like asking do you prefer a root canal or an enema. Neither
one is really high on my list of "fun things to do." So I guess this is
more a "lesser of all evils" kind of thing. I could most live with a
Lieberman presidency, because he's least likely to back down from the
war on terrorism, and he's not as inclined to tax-and-spend, not being
of the socialist persuasion like most of the rest of the Democratic
persuasion. Sadly, he'll almost certainly not get the nomination. Wait,
come to think of it, that's not so sad, since everyone expects Bush to
trounce Dean. Yay, Dean! Nominate Dean! Dean is the man! Dean for 2004!
Your blog seems to have taken off since the Bloggers With
Boobies founding. Any regrets that you've become somewhat synonymous
with that meme?
I'm not really sure you could say it's "taken off" since then. I've
gotten some more regular readers since then, but it's not like I've
started challenging Instapundit for his blog-throne or anything.
Anyway, no, I don't regret it. BWB was - and is - a statement of female
empowerment, an assertion of female identity and will, and an
expression of solidarity with other like-boobied bloggers. I don't mind
its being know that I possess boobs, and if that gets people in to read
my (honestly, mostly political) commentary, then all the better. If
they were just looking for tits, they won't really stick around. I'm
more disturbed by all the people I get who are Googling "beastiality."
***********
I have to say that this was one of the most enjoyable interviews I've
read to date. Mostly because Dana relaxes a bit and lets fly with some
delightfully funny lines. I'd love to see more of that side of her on
her blog.
Of course, there's other things I'd like to see of hers, too.
What might those be? Well, this question might provide a hint:
Regarding the bikini area - shave, trim, sculpt, or jungle?
You have to read the interview for the answer.
posted by Harvey at 10:57:53 PM permalink HOME
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BLOG-BUDDY LINKY LOVE
My blog-buddies are still the coolest because of their perfect Showcase voting record.
What else is cool about them?
Well, in one day, Susie took on
the plumber, the popper-repairman, the candy man, the Pepsi man, the
soap & paper towel guy, and one more lucky delivery guy that she
can't even remember. Talk about stamina!
Matty O'Blackfive has a story so powerful that it brought tears to my grumbly old eyes. The short of it is:
That's right. A 32 year-old Staff Sergeant loses his leg and says that it was worth it...because of support from the American people.
The long of it can be found at Matt's place, along with a very simple way for you to share your support with wounded soldiers
Kevin of Eckernet has a steaming pile of hate-speech for everyone who pissed him off in 2003. PeTA is just one of many:
Animal Rights Groups (i.e. PETA)
Wow,
has this group taken off this year. Never before have I seen their
approach. It appears their strategy is to piss off the very people they
are trying to convince. Everything from blasphemy to abusing children
is acceptable practice when fighting for Fluffys right to vote.
Mindless stupidity appears to be the primary talent needed. Half-assed
and misleading research is the order of the day. And inappropriate and
bizarre antics is business as usual. This group has never made a juicy
steak, a tall glass of milk and a fur coat look better.
And the Geekster of physicsgeek (who redecorated his place for the post-holiday season) has 10 pieces of advice for folks going to a New Year's Eve office party. They're all good, but I like #10...:
10. Once your pantyhose have a big "Easy Access" hole in the upper
thigh, just take 'em off already. You're not fooling anyone there,
classy-chick.
...because I work with this broad, and #5...:
5. If your party is open bar all evening long, you've hit BONANZA.
Pace yourself, or you'll be bummed in the morning when you realize you
were sent home in time to watch Jeopardy.
If your party is open bar only for an hour, offer to help "organize"
so you can get there early and hoard alcohol for yourself and your
friends.
If your party is cash bar only, consider quitting now. It's only
December 31st - you can get a new job at a company that will at least
pick up the friggin' bar tab for an hour. Jeez - it's New Years.
Tight-asses!
because, although my bank does give us that "whole hour" to get drunk, the rest of the party is strictly dumb-ass, cheap-ass, tight-ass. I swear, every year my boss's hair gets pointier.
By the way, I'm experimenting with colored text for quoted passages,
and I'm not sure which color looks best. Probably not this poopy brown.
Any suggestions?
posted by Harvey at 10:26:18 PM permalink HOME
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE VOTER LINKY-LOVE SOURCE CODE
<br>
<a href="http://www.flyingchair.net/">Flying Chair</a> (134
links) - 2123 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://imao.us/">IMAO</a> (531 links) - 2024
visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.discountblogger.com/"></a><a
href="http://blackfive.blogs.com/">Blackfive - The Paratrooper of
Love</a> (234 links) - 929 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://voxday.blogspot.com/">Vox Popoli</a> (70
links) - 855 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.evangelicaloutpost.com/">the evangelical
outpost</a> (243 links) - 615 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/"></a><a
href="http://annikagyrl.blogspot.com/">annika's journal &
poetry</a> (137 links) - 260 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.dowingba.com/">Tao of Dowingba</a> (87
links) - 226 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://laughingwolf.net/"></a><a
href="http://sayanything.typepad.com/">Say Anything</a> (77
links) - 199 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://madfishwillies.mu.nu/">Madfish Willie's Cyber
Saloon</a> (186 links) - 193 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://practicalpenumbra.mu.nu/">Practical
Penumbra</a> (223 links) - 186 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://debbyestratigacos.blogspot.com/">Being American
in T.O.</a> (96 links) - 170 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.taintedbill.com/">Leaning Towards the Dark
Side</a> (82 links) - 160 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.pardonmyenglish.com/"></a><a
href="http://silverblue.org/mt">Ramblings of Silver Blue</a>
(183 links) - 138 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.serenitysjournal.com/"></a><a
href="http://radio.weblogs.com/0126975/">Bad Money</a> (167
links) - 135 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://gevkaffeegal.typepad.com/the_alliance/">The
Alliance</a> (164 links) - 135 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://angelweave.mu.nu/">angelweave</a> (143
links) - 120 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a
href="http://coloradoconservative.blogs.com/colorado_conservative/">Colorado
Conservative</a> (75 links) - 118 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.anenglishmanscastle.com/">An Englishman's
Castle</a> (77 links) - 115 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.dogtulosba.com/">dogtulosba, ink. - soapiate
of the masses</a> (61 links) - 100 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.danegerus.com/weblog/"></a><a
href="http://www.postmodernclog.com/">Le Sabot
Post-Moderne</a> (130 links) - 91 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://simonworld.mu.nu/"></a><a
href="http://www.seethedonkey.com/">See The Donkey</a> (65
links) - 85 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.alteredperception.net/"></a><a
href="http://hallsofmontezumashoresoftripoli.blogspot.com/">From the
Halls to the Shores</a> (75 links) - 76 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.homicidalmaniak.com/">Homicidal
Maniak</a> (71 links) - 74 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://physicsgeek.blog-city.com/">physics
geek</a> (83 links) - 74 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.vrwc.us/"></a><a
href="http://winceandnod.blogspot.com/">Wince and Nod</a> (97
links) - 71 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.whotendsthefires.us/">Who Tends The
Fires</a> (115 links) - 69 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://self-composed.com/">Self-composed</a> (127
links) - 66 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://aimlessforest.net/"></a><a
href="http://donotremove.net/">The Everlasting Phelps</a> (69
links) - 59 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://littlemissattila.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://s-train.h2cmedia.org/">The S-Train Canvass</a>
(74 links) - 56 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://anti-anti-flag.com/index.php"></a><a
href="http://gcruse.typepad.com/">The Owner's Manual</a> (55
links) - 52 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.mcsegeek.net/"></a><a
href="http://www.calpoly.edu/%7Edoleary/blog.htm">DAN K OLEARY DOT
COM BLOG</a> (79 links) - 40 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.KenshoGodchaser.com/">Kensho Godchaser - The
Best Heresies Under One Blog!</a> (64 links) - 39 visits/day
<font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://sugarwhitesand.com/">CandyUniverse</a> (91
links) - 38 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://blatherreview.mu.nu/">BLATHER REVIEW</a>
(94 links) - 37 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.bigstick.us/"></a><a
href="http://www.bigredgiant.com/">BigRedGiant.com</a> (91
links) - 31 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.realitysvoice.org/blog.html">Five
Wasps</a> (63 links) - 29 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://curi.us/domain/">curi's domain</a> (70
links) - 25 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.frizzensparks.com/">Frizzen Sparks</a>
(60 links) - 25 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://irrationalnoise.com/handh.php">Hypocrisy and
Hypotheses</a> (88 links) - 24 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://pstupidonymous.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.eric1967.blogspot.com/">Certus Veritas</a>
(78 links) - 23 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a
href="http://www.ondragonswing.com/journal/ramble/"></a><a
href="http://grimbeorn.blogspot.com/">Grim's Hall</a> (65
links) - 22 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://blog.shurson.net/"></a><a
href="http://www.rocksolidcorp.com/weblog/index.html">Not Quite Tea
and Crumpets</a> (75 links) - 18 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a
href="http://leftcoastconservative.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://eleganceagainstignorance.blogspot.com/">Elegance
Against Ignorance</a> (77 links) - 15 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://cavalierattitude.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://leahguildenstern.blog-city.com/">Leah
Guildenstern</a> (52 links) - 13 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://belisaurius.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://cannon.blog-city.com/">Cannon's Canon</a> (61
links) - 12 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://giveblood.blogspot.com/">Single White
Male</a> (56 links) - 12 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a
href="http://irreconcilablemusings.typepad.com/"></a><a
href="http://roxettebunny.mu.nu/">Hoppings of Roxette
Bunny</a> (67 links) - 11 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.sithoughts.blogspot.com/">Semi-Intelligent
Thoughts</a> (63 links) - 10 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://wasteofbandwidth.net/dseip/ssp">Shameless
Self-Promotion</a> (62 links) - 10 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.dangerousliberty.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.johnalism.com/">Johnalism.com</a> (49 links)
- 8 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://lawguy.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://newmaniwhs.blogspot.com/">Newmanisms</a> (63
links) - 6 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.variousorthodoxies.com/"></a><a
href="http://etalkinghead.com/">Political commentary, analysis and
opinion: eTALKINGHEAD.com</a> (138 links) - 0 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a
href="http://interested-participant.blogspot.com/">Interested-Participant</a>
(118 links) - visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://eckernet.com/">Eckernet.com</a> (63 links)
- visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.chriscam.com/index2.htm"></a><a
href="http://ripebananas.blogspot.com/">Ripe Bananas</a> (64
links) - visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.dimmick.org/"></a><br>
posted by Harvey at 9:42:18 PM permalink HOME
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Sunday, January 04, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at!
posted by Harvey at 11:39:03 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Either a 3-year-old got ahold of a red pen, or someone from the Democratic Underground is being unusually coherant.
posted by Harvey at 11:34:48 PM permalink HOME
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STEVE IRWIN AND BOB = MICHAEL JACKSON AND BLANKET
Yes:
One definition of "croc savvy" is "smart enough to avoid crocodiles." That's the one I use.
Think of how this could have gone.
Irwin: [waving son Bob at croc] Have a look, Bob! He's a feisty bugger, eh?
[croc eats Bob]
Irwin: CRIKEY!
Mrs. Irwin: CRIKEY!
Audience: CRIKEY!
Irwin: The croc's gone and eaten Bob!
God: G'day, Bob! You're bloody early!
Angels: CRIKEY!
People are comparing the croc feeding to the famous Michael Jackson
balcony stunt. In fairness to Lizard Boy, they're missing a crucial
distinction: Irwin's son is still a virgin.
No:
You know, I feel pretty certain that if I had a baby that I would not
let Michael Jackson see it, hold it, touch it, sleep with it, or
anything. Steve Irwin, however, is allowed to see it and maybe even
hold it. He's not allowed to take it to the crocodiles on a lark or
anything like that, but I know that I'm peculiar that way about my
babies.
There are a few differences between Steve Irwin and Michael
Jackson, though. That's why they are allowed certain liberties when it
comes to my children. The differences include but are not limited to:
- Steve Irwin is Australian while Michael Jackson is Venusian.
- Steve Irwin is a Naturalist and Conservationist with a lot of
experience observing, studying, and handling animals of all sorts.
Michael Jackson is a singer of lyrics like, "You're a vegetable. They eat off you." He is also alleged to handle children in a way that is quite unsavory.
- Steve Irwin is probably very strong. Michael Jackson is probably made of Styrofoam and, thus, not very strong.
posted by Harvey at 10:36:24 PM permalink HOME
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THIS IS JUST PLAIN WRONG
American Digest has a picture of Howard Dean wearing a cheesehead. As a Packer fan, if find this to be the most morally offensive image to ever scratch my retinas.
On the bright side, there's also a handy little chart that explains
Dean's tax plan. If widely distributed on business cards, it will be
instrumental in tanking this mangy turd's campaign.
By the way, does anyone else think that Howard Dean looks like the Joker in that pic?
posted by Harvey at 7:34:31 PM permalink HOME
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MYSTERY SOLVED
Jen of Jennifer's History & Stuff answers the question that, up
until now, I've usually just shrugged off as the smart-assery of bad
comics:
How do they get Teflon to stick to pans?
The mystery of how Jen manages to cram all that gorgeous into a black leather cat-suit remains unanswered.
posted by Harvey at 7:25:01 PM permalink HOME
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WHY DID THE PACKERS BEAT THE SEAHAWKS?
5-second answer at Boots & Sabers.
Woof!
And can someone tell my why Jed was posting that instead of Owen?
posted by Harvey at 7:11:37 PM permalink HOME
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HE HAS RETURNED
Mike the Marine is back to blogging after going missing for a couple weeks. Lesson learned - don't leave comments enabled when you aren't around to guard your blog.
posted by Harvey at 7:09:30 PM permalink HOME
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YOU PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING!
The Champagne Room Round-up is wiggling & jiggling over at the Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, and there's 3 important things to note.
First, if you're going to surf the internet, then for heaven's sake, PLEASE WEAR A CONDOM!
Second, if you're going to talk about boobie pictures, then for heaven's sake, POST THEM!
Third, if you're going to use a vibrator, then for heaven's sake, REMEMBER WHERE YOU LEFT IT!
posted by Harvey at 6:44:04 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I only wish to be the fountain of love from which you drink, every drop promising eternal passion.
posted by Harvey at 12:28:07 AM permalink HOME
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Saturday, January 03, 2004
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WHY ARE LIBERALS LIKE GERBILS?
Because they both eat their young.
This just fascinates me. Chris of Tao of Dowingba was a member of the Liberal Coalition, and more or less rightly so. He believes in welfare & gay marriage & social security & higher taxes & such (see the comments). But then he said this...:
***********
It is one of the most disturbing rituals I've seen pop up. People,
in a desperate attempt to advance Dean's* campaign, rape the names of
all the soldiers who have died in the Iraq war. "One hundred million
billion cazillion trillion fillion have died!" Some even go further and
list the individual names of each soldier who has died, or focus on one
and relate their whole life story; all in the name of advancing Dean's*
campaign.
(*This goes for some other candidates as well. Like Kerry, for instance.)
These soldiers should be honoured, not raped. These soldiers
willingly gave their lives for this cause, and now you're all using
their valiant deaths in a desperate attempt to undo all for which they
died. Right now, they died for something. If you get your way, they
died for nothing.
***********
...and was soon given an unceremonious boot
from the Coalition for not towing the party line. Apparently no matter
how socially liberal you are, if you support the War on Terror, then
you are persona non grata at the LC.
Although the LC was not amused (see the comments for some petty
childishness), I have to say that I'm thoroughly impressed by this line
from Chris:
I "support" a president who makes it his mission to turn a war-torn,
poverty-striken, extremely-conservative part of the world into a more
liberal democracy. Nothing anti-liberal about that.
As I've mentioned before, I can't understand why more liberals don't support the war for this reason.
Anyway, I'd like to welcome Chris to the Alliance of Free Blogs, where we don't care what he thinks of Howard Dean.
Now, about that welfare thingy...
posted by Harvey at 11:51:36 PM permalink HOME
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WHAT HE SAID
Why do I read USS Clueless? For paragraphs like this:
*************
As to "legitimacy", we're earning legitimacy the hard way, by
accomplishing things. We're earning it by repairing schools, and by
repairing and rebuilding infrastructure, and by delivering electric
power, and by making the streets increasingly safe from crime, and by
not retreating even though our men are being killed. One bombing attack
against the UN caused it to lift its skirts and scurry away out of the
country; but after nine months of constant attacks against us, we're
still there. That's legitimacy.
*************
God he makes me tingle.
posted by Harvey at 8:29:07 PM permalink HOME
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IT'S TREY'S FAULT
I swear I was going to ignore this stupid quiz. I saw it at Patterico's place during a blog-surfing accident (I went there for his Snark Hunt
entry, which link doesn't work because he's moved off Blogspot in the
month since the entry was submitted) and I put it out of my mind after
dropping a comment. So I was over at Trey's, and it reared it's ugly head and I was afraid it was going to bite if I didn't surrender myself to its warm and dark embrace, so...
You are a dedicated weblogger. You post frequently because you enjoy
weblogging a lot, yet you still manage to have a social life. You're
the best kind of weblogger. Way to go!
Oddly, although I only scored 68 out of 100 point, this puts me
right around the 90th percentile, high-scorewise. So despite this
quiz's soothing coos of normalcy, I am, in fact, more of a statistical
outlier (i.e. freak) than that D- sounding grade would suggest.
Beloved Wife is just going to nod smugly when she reads this.
By the way... have I ever started a meme?
posted by Harvey at 7:55:23 PM permalink HOME
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STUPID, TIME-WASTING FOOD
I'm with Trey on this one. Most of the time, I find eating to be more of a bother than a pleasure. I'd rather be reading, blogging, or having unnatural sex with my wife than waste time taking in sustenance.
But that's not why I'm linking the post. I'm linking it because I giggled like an idiot when I read this line:
Update: I decided that eating is really for the best, so I made
a pot pie. I've not had pot pie in a long time and this one smells like
a cat. Is that normal?
Maybe I'm just tired. I think I'll go take a nap now.
posted by Harvey at 5:03:34 PM permalink HOME
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SNARK IS BACK
Battling back from a series of personal disasters, Venomous Kate has posted the long-awaited Hunting of the Snark round-up. While there, I found out that Jess of Appropos of Something doesn't like those "What are you" quizzes
that seem so ubiquitous. Mostly I just ignore them, myself, since they
rarely offer anything particularly insightful. However, he provided a
link to Sugarmama who has a whole host of blogging likes & dislikes.
This is worth a read for both blog readers & blog writers. You may
not agree with everything, but it will provide you some food for
thought.
My big "Amens" got to:
***************
Light text on a dark background. Ouch, ouch! It hurts my eyes!
"Boohoo. Nobody reads my blog." This isn't entirely annoying,
unless the person posts once a month. Then it doesn't make sense to me.
It's true that few people read blogs that are infrequently updated.
***************
She's right, you know. If you want more readers, post more often. Period.
Oh... and there's that one hideous shade of eye-searing electric red the should NEVER, EVER BE USED FOR ANYTHING AT ANYTIME ON ANY WEB PAGE. (Click at your own risk. You were warned).
posted by Harvey at 4:41:53 PM permalink HOME
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SINGLE WHITE MALE, ACCENT ON THE WHITE
Joey of Single White Male has a new place, and even has a good post up
with working permalinks. Being the tender age of 18 he makes this
observation:
In our classrooms at school they broadcast 'Channel 1' everyday. And no one ever watches it.
But once, not too long ago, I looked up and caught a glimpse of a report they were doing from Iraq.
And I realized that if you took the boy that was on the screen,
changed him out of his military garb and into some jeans and a T-shirt,
then stuck him in that classroom with me, nobody would notice a thing.
and goes on to give some very touching and heartfelt thanks to the boys in uniform:
Ya know, I can't help but think that maybe he's right - the best way to thank them is to learn how to play tennis.
I'm going to leave his Blogspot permalink in my blogroll until he's all
moved in. Or until I get tired of having to click twice to read his
stuff. Whichever comes first.
posted by Harvey at 3:44:59 PM permalink HOME
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JUST PUT YOUR HEAD IN THIS LITTLE NOOSE...
As part of my King of the Blogs Judge duties, I am to review the answers to this week's Host's Challenge Question:
************
We all know flattery works, well it does at the King of the Blog
Tournament also. Your job is to write an advertising piece that
includes reasons to visit each of the judges and the host, and why you
feel as King of the Blogs you can help them each get more hits and
readers. Also pointing out why your worthy adversaries are not able to
do this would be advised.
************
The entrants' answers can be found here. These are simply my reviews. I'm omitting the scores to increase the suspense.
ChristWeb
Good points: Managed to link everyone once and made some promises.
Probably trustworthy to deliver on them, being Christiany & all.
Bad points: Only 1 link per judge. Didn't mention blogger names. Gave
no compelling reason to click the links. Text was dryer than a Bob Dole
campaign speech. Please review my "How to Drive Traffic" post.
Walking Stick
Good points: Egotistical with bouts of moderate insanity
Bad points: Where's my link?
Wolf Who Sends Flowers
Good points: Extra points for creativity above and beyond the call of
duty. Links galore, and ass-kissing the likes of which usually runs me
about $50. Sweet & tasty. Obviously did a LOT of homework for this
post.
Bad points: None visible. Well, Foxgirl did forget to include naked pictures, but that's a non-deductible offense.
Smarter Cop
Good points: I'm a sucker for poetry. A lot of thoughtful, creative
effort went into this one. Nice finesse on working Evangelical
Outpost's hyperpolysyllabic name into the poem.
Bad points: Some forced rhymes & a few awkward rhythms, but not too
bad, considering the material. Had the misfortune of having to compete
against Foxy's epic.
Vigilance Matters (Current King of the Blogs)
Good points: Cocky, annoying arrogance. Always a plus in a monarch.
Good effort on keeping with a theme - nice storytelling and/or
butt-kissing
Bad points: I'm still not sure how my bloody death at the hands of the Yahoo-ite barbarians will increase my site traffic.
Dodgeblogium
Good points: Answered the question
Bad points: Only answered the question. No style points here. Reads like an autopsy report, albeit a polite one.
And as a general comment to all entrants, I'm surprised no one thought to link individual entries on the judges' blogs, thereby demonstrating the entrant's traffic-driving abilities.
posted by Harvey at 3:05:30 PM permalink HOME
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THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARILY DRUNKEN GENTLEMEN
The Bartender's latest project is handing out medals for various & sundry accomplishments in the arena of drinking:
Royal Order of the 86 - Awarded for aggressively assaulting the patience of the most tolerant
of bartenders; for never being so sober he can’t get into a scuffle
with a blind Buddhist...
Blackout Brigade Medal of Merit - Long after lesser drunks have staggered off to bed, these valorous
boozers shout: “Yes, I will have another double shot of tequila!” and
gallantly lurch into the inky blackness of oblivion...
Beer Goggles of Gallantry - In the face of facial warts, extreme obesity, general hideousness and severe damage to their reputations...
Tavern Defense Campaign Medal - The first line of defense against winos, tourists, weekend-warriors and
slumming yuppies, the recipients of this medal man the barstools that
are the trenches of every pub...
More to come, so keep checking Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon.
Frankly, I find these babies more impressive than my good conduct medal. What's a GCM,
you ask? It's awarded for "faithful, zealous, and obediant service" in
the Navy. Sometimes referred to as the St. Bernard medal, since it
means you've been a good doggie. It's also referred to as the Never
Been Caught medal, since basically the only thing you need to do
to earn it is not get brought up before the Captain for a UCMJ violation.
Anyway, I think I should be awarded the Tavern Defense Campaign Medal for leading the Bartender's rescue mission. I'll just submit the form and see what happens...
posted by Harvey at 1:34:18 PM permalink HOME
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Friday, January 02, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I never understood it when people said "Love is all you need." This is
probably because they didn't say "The love of a beautiful, passionate,
compassionate, skillful, intelligent, loving, and all-around perfect
woman is all you need."
[to which I added]
...YOUR love is all I need :-)
posted by Harvey at 10:59:28 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Who bares this dollar is GAY]
Of course I'm gay! Duh! I think it would be painfully obvious to even the most casual observer. I mean, have you ever seen the kind of stuff I do when I'm in the Champagne Room? I'm shocked that you even thought you had to ask about...
What?
No, dumbass, definition #5.
posted by Harvey at 10:56:34 PM permalink HOME
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE 1
I don't like this poem "The Red Apprentice (An Altruist Ideal)" (Jan 1, CTRL+F "apprentice") by Juggernaut of Love.
I read it and had no idea what the author was trying to say. But I was
intrigued by the title... specifically the fact that it contained the
word "altruist". To the best of my knowledge, only Objectivists use
that word.
I checked the blogroll - sure enough, all kinds of Objectivist goodies. And, as I've mentioned previously, I like Objectivists. So I hunted around to find a reason to vote for the blogger, despite the not-so-great poetry.
Found it. Manan has a post about civil disobedience (Dec 22 CTRL+F "Ragnarian"), that links to an organization (NoRace.org) that is actively attempting to screw with state sponsored Affirmative Action programs:
**********
"What would happen to affirmative-action
programs if a significant portion of college applicants
intentionally
misreported their races? Even if most applications were marked correctly...a
little civil disobedience could introduce just enough margin of
error to really bring out the pure intellectual chaos and
moral repugnance of affirmative action."
**********
Since I despise race-based preferences with a dark and bloody fury, I want to give Manan a huge round of applause (and a vote in the NBS) for pointing this out.
Meanwhile, may I suggest that Manan get comments installed (I recommend Haloscan), and a nice "About Me" post linked in his sidebar (or is that her sidebar? Crap! It's an Indian name, and I've gotten this wrong before with Shanti...See?
That's why you need an "About Me" post). Actually, since permalinks are
Blogspotted, maybe just a short "About Me" blurb, instead.
After that, consider accepting one of the many "get out of Blogspot free" offers that are floating around.
posted by Harvey at 10:16:55 PM permalink HOME
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE 2
Not really the most inspiring or entertaining poem I've ever seen, (I look to Heather for that sort of thing), but I find The Epicenter's "A Holiday Poem for Bloggers" to be informative. I live and breathe (and blog) to see my Ecosystem
rating go up, and I'm vaguely aware of the concept of other blog rating
systems. There's a link in the poem to one that has heretofore escaped
my attention: the Technorati Top 50 Interesting Recent Blogs. Imagine my surprise when I saw the Madfish Willie's humble establishment there yesterday (note to self: spend more time kissing Bartender's ass), and Susie's there tonight (note to self: spend more time kissing... well,.. anything she wants).
The cool thing about this list as opposed to the Technorati Top 100 is that it uses a semi-complicated mathematical formula
to give a weighted score based on the number of new links compared to
the number of current links, thus allowing relatively obscure blogs to
show up on the list if they get a sudden uptick in incoming links.
Pretty cool concept. I hope to show up there someday.
posted by Harvey at 9:38:54 PM permalink HOME
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I DON'T KNOW... I STILL THINK IT BEATS HAVING A BABY IN THE ROOM
Lynn of Reflections in d minor went dog-blogging today. Not about her dog, mind you. It's about YOUR dog, and would you PLEASE shut up about the animal?:
***********
Whatever you do, DO NOT spend an entire evening gushing about
how much you love your "child" [dog] and repeating over and over again that
she likes to be the center of attention. Believe me, we know! We can
all see that your "child" likes to be the center of attention. We
certainly don't need to be reminded of this annoying fact every two
minutes throughout the entire evening. PLEASE find something
else to talk about! Music, books, movies, sports, pop culture, how good
(or bad) the pizza is. Anything! Just puh-leeeease quit talking about
your damned dog kid for five minutes!
***********
Being the childless parent of 6 animals myself, I try to restrain the
urge to blather about the 4-legged offspring, and I only post the humiliating pictures, and not the cute ones.
But I'll go Lynn one better. When I come over, get the baby out of the
room. I don't mind kids so much - at least the walking & talking
kind - you can at least interact with them and hold moderately amusing
discussions. But a baby just sucks the life and/or intelligence out of
a room full of adults. Recently I was at a Christmas affair with some
relatives. When the diapered darling was asleep, there was some
moderately entertaining chit-chat in the air. Once the party pooper
woke up, all attention turned toward the little star & conversation
devolved to captioning the baby's activities:
"Aw, she's so cute"
"Look, she's smiling"
"She's wondering who all these people are"
"What a big yawn! I'll bet baby's sleep-y!"
Kill. Me. Now.
It went on like this for about 20 minutes until momma had the decency
to take baby elsewhere, whereupon normal human adult discussions
resumed. I've never been so relieved.
Next time someone starts coochie-cooing a rugrat in my presense, I swear I'm gonna bust out with my hernia surgery stories.
You've been warned.
posted by Harvey at 9:15:06 PM permalink HOME
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MORE FRENCH-BASHING, PLEASE
Jeff of BigStick.US has his interview up at Jen's place. It's nice to see a fine, upstanding, American youth get his 15 minutes of fame:
*************
What is the first thing you plan to do when you get to France?
- Well, after doing all of the necessary paperwork and finding my host
family's house, I'm going to unpack my huge American Flag and put it up
on the wall of my room. So there.
Do you have plans for what to do with all the Frenchies who surrender to you at the airport?
- Not really... I hadn't considered that. I'll try to keep a low
profile, I mean, they'll outnumber me quite a bit. Wait, nevermind.
I'll just round them into pens.
How many states do you think Dean will carry in the 2004 election should he win the Democratic Primary?
- 3. Alberta, California, and New York. He's big in them liberal shithead areas.
*************
Lots more. Go read.
Then poke that little peckerhead in the eye until he coughs up another episode of 2015.
posted by Harvey at 8:49:36 PM permalink HOME
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HELPING OUT A CHARMING LASS
hM of homicidalManiak is a sweet lady (don't let the pictures of carving implements in her banner fool you), and, via Emperor Darth Misha I, I found out she's having some difficulties with an invasive Nanny State:
***********
Alrighty then, people, I need some help. My family has a situation going on right now and we can use prayers, money, whatever.
Basically my step-mom's ex is looking at taking the four kids they
had together away. When the whole thing is said and done he will lose
(because he's a total assnugget), but at great cost to my fam. We all
know that the Nanny State-headed legal system, while having our Best
Interests™ at heart, will also bleed us dry whenever a case For the
Children™ comes up. Another issue with this is that the youngest boy
has odd interests (death and the macabre), a lot like I did when I was
his age. So while my parents may win the suit, they may lose the
youngest to the Nanny State if only because they will deem it necessary
for his "mental well-being".
You may have noticed off to the side I've added a Paypal button
under Worthy Causes. If there was ever a worthy cause this is it. If
you can't donate at least send up a prayer or two. My family needs it.
***********
Being "none of the above" in the higher-being department, I can't offer
prayers, so I'm just going to make like a Democrat and throw some money
at the problem.
Others are encouraged to do one or the other or both.
posted by Harvey at 8:33:21 PM permalink HOME
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ALLIANCE HAPPENINGS
Filthy Lie Round-up is up. My favorite being Susie's chilling tale of her encounter with the Vampire Lestat Glenn.
************
I looked up to see long, claw-like fingernails sliding slowing across
the glass front window of the Ticket Booth. Half a second ago there had
been no one anywhere near the theater. Now there was black-clad figure
standing a few inches away from me, only the window separating us. I
was too frightened to scream, although I did I gasp in horror--which
caused me to go into a coughing fit. I rummaged though my pockets for a
tissue, and found one just as I hacked up [deleted: colorful yet disgusting description of viscous bodily fluids common in cold sufferers].
As the spasms subsided, I looked up to see the dark figure patiently
waiting, the claw-like nails tapping a rhythmic tattoo on the glass.
Unsure of what else to do, I leaned forward to the "speaker" and asked
"Can I help you?"
************
New Assignment: What was Evil Glenn doing at the Memphis Zoo at 2am?
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:10:57 PM permalink HOME
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COMING SOON: THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM
Hmmm... that sounds more like a porno movie title than an actual post.
Anyway, the Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, will be posting
a round-up of the best adult-oriented humor & commentary this
Sunday. To get into the Champagne Room, e-mail links to your dirtiest, nastiest, and/or most suggestive posts to
MadfishWillie at hotmail.com
And remind me to crank out more smut tonight so I've got a bone to toss
that mongrel. It's been pretty dry around here the last week or so. I
need to spice things up.
posted by Harvey at 7:40:54 AM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Are you a bad load of laundry? You make my pants feel two sizes too small.
posted by Harvey at 1:07:18 AM permalink HOME
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Thursday, January 01, 2004
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[TURN OVER]
Some advice for any woman who thinks that sex is a pain in the ass.
posted by Harvey at 11:54:09 PM permalink HOME
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EVIL GLENN'S RESOLUTIONS
(A FILTHY LIE)
In accordance with the latest Alliance assigment, I endeavored to discover how Evil Glenn would be ringing in the new year. I expected something evil & decadent, like a puppy-blending party, or maybe noise-makers made out of hobo bones. I figured the easiest way to get the answer would be to hack into his computer to see if he'd written anything down.
Oddly, there was nothing there but a file called "Resolutions". Apparently he's worked up his own version of the top 10 resolutions list:
1) Spend more time with family & friends - I've been too reclusive
lately. Time to mix & be sociable. I must invite them over more
often. One by one. Buy new shovel and more lime. Bury them deeper than that time in Vegas.
2) Fit in fitness - I keep getting winded when hobo-whackin'. From now on, 20 minutes a day of sledge-swinging. No excuses. Be like Scratchy.
3) Tame the bulge - Beagles & pugs go straight to my hips. Blend more whippets & greyhounds.
4) Quit smoking - Those cancer sticks are going to be the death of me. Switch to nicorette during that post-penguin-coital glow-time.
5) Enjoy life more - Less blogging, more Robot Dancing. Possibly while naked.
6) Quit drinking - I have a drinking problem. I admit it. Last week's Black Mass was the final straw. I messed up the chant and conjured up Hillary Clinton instead of Satan.. She's STILL pissed that I interrupted her girl's night out.
7) Get out of debt - The iMAO doll was a complete bust. My bank account won't be recovering from that debacle anytime soon. From now on, I'll only sell popular toys.
8) Learn something new - I swear that I WILL learn how to parallel park.
9) Help others - I promise to help more hobos by slaughtering them and releasing their tortured souls.
10) Get organized - My office is a mess. I just need to install some quality shelving. This will also be a big help on #9.
I may have had Glenn figured all wrong. I mean, if he's that into self-improvement, maybe he's not such a bad guy after all.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:36:29 PM permalink HOME
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IT'S UNIQUE BECAUSE IT'S SPELLED WRONG
Trey Givens is quite fortunate that he'll never have children of his
own. Mostly because that means that he'll never have to argue with a
wife who wants to give the child some unspellable, unpronouncable
monstrosity of a name. After reading about a trend in baby-naming that
includes using product names like Ikea and Disney, Trey goes off on quite an amusing tear:
*************
Because I’m feeling inordinately snarky, here are things I think of when I hear some of those names:
Dakota
- You were conceived in a minivan at the Bed, Bath & Beyond so your
mommy could get out of a parking ticket. Shh! Don’t tell daddy!
Lexus – Your mommy was on welfare. You are a prostitute.
Gucci – You will cut Lexus if she even looks like she’s going
to work your corner on more time, you swear to god and your dead mother.
Delta – You may be famously hideous or of an average level of
attractiveness. You’ll likely get pregnant by your PE teacher and end
up working at the 7-11 just 4 credits shy of your highschool degree,
but it’s really a coin-toss between that and settling down with your
hubby and raising your daughter Dakota.
Disney – Touched yet you still maintain a career as a drag queen or a palm reader.
Ikea – Cheap but smart enough to use condoms. That is until
you’re convinced at age 14 that it’s love after you and 24 year-old
Hennessy split a 40 and some reefer in the tenement parking lot. Your
son’s name will be Courvoisier.
Evian – Possessed of a long neck and large nose you are the life-long companion and care-taker for Disney.
Delmonte – Pimp or used car salesman. You may harbor a crush on Disney even after you find out she’s not actually female.
*************
Working at a bank, and making deposits into (or, more typically,
withdrawls from) children's savings accounts, I'm frequently struck by
the horrifying trendy-cuteness of some of these monikers. I have a
passionate dislike for bad baby names. By "bad" I mean... well, I'll
let the queen of bad-baby-name-haters, Diana Goodman, explain:
*************
I appreciate these parents want their children to be
unique. I really do. BUT (and you knew there'd be a "but") these
parents are all foraging for this originality in one incredibly narrow
direction, and when they feel the (weird) name they want is too common,
they go to further and further extremes. It's strip-mining the
alphabet; It's like an arms race between parents. The result are names
like these - pretentious as hell names with difficult (to guess, to
reasonably explain) spellings.
*************
From here, I'll send you into the realm of some of the most
horrifying baby names imaginable (Trey, close your eyes while you read
this):
Eden (f)
Eden 2 (f)
Egwene (f)
Eiddwen (f)
Eilish (f)
Eira (f)
Eiry (f)
Electra (f)
Elisa (f)
Elliot Ness (m)
Elvio (m)
Emerson (f)
EmmaLee (f)
Emmaleigh (f)
Emmelia (f)
Enfys (f)
Enobi (?)
Espe Do Wop (?)
Eswen (f)
Ethyn (m)
Eurwen (f)
And that's just the E's. The rest of the horror can be witnessed by going to Not Without My Handbag.
Or avoided by not going there. You're an adult. I leave the choice to you.
posted by Harvey at 5:44:27 PM permalink HOME
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MMMM... TOE PORN
I'm not REALLY a foot fetishist, but I'm thinking of converting after viewing Margi's offering.
I mean... bright red paint on those wiggly little piggies, and the way
you can see the shoe strap biting cruelly into the tender skin of her
foot...
Y'all excuse me while I go script up a fantasy...
Thank you, Kevin-Wizbang-Bonfire-26... thank you.
posted by Harvey at 5:01:50 PM permalink HOME
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COTV #67
Up & running at Hypocrisy & Hypotheses, wherein I found a post from Red Ted that makes me very happy. You see, I thought I was alone in not being able to beat up my wife. Mostly I don't because, well, not brutalizing your chosen life partner is the nice thing to do, but partly it's because she's got biceps that would put the fear of God into the Governator himself.
Fortunately, like Ted's wife, my wife is essentially self-beating.
Racquetball helps with that a LOT. Too much follow-through, and that very hard
racquet connects with knees, hands, wrists, cheekbones, forehead, or
whatever else is handy. Bruises, cuts, contusions, lumps, bumps &
soreness abound, and I never have to lift a finger.
I do envy Ted for one reason,
though. I may have racquetball on my side, but he's got an
unconvictable & violent minor running around the house to deal out
the essential violence for him. Lucky stiff. I wish I had one of those. Then I could buy him a "lil'" something to show him my gratitude for his assisting me with my brutal husbandly duties.
Meanwhile, I'll have to rely on my horse-dog Jake, who's been specially trained to lay down directly behind Beloved Wife whenever she's whipping something up in the kitchen.
"AIEEEEE!" [CRASH!]
Heh. Good dog, Jake.
[If blogging is light after this, that means my wife beat the crap out of me for posting this. Someone call 911, please.]
posted by Harvey at 4:53:21 PM permalink HOME
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CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES #66 (I'M STILL A WEEK BEHIND)
Via CotV #66 at Winds of Change, (last week's Christmas edition, which you should visit if for no other reason than to read the context behind this line: "To this day, I still think of it as the perfect North American holiday
story: a Muslim giving his Jewish neighbours a bottle of whiskey… for
Christmas."),
I found the answer to a question that I've never asked myself, but
perhaps should've: How would and insane barking moobat lefty
deconstruct a Christmas card? I think Fringe gets it just about right.
For example, explaining the racism inherant in horse-drawn sleighs
thusly:
**************
The first thing that caught my eye was the
depiction of racial supremacy, the artist's perception of white
politics and the domination whites, particularly white males, have over
blacks and other minorities. Think me foolish, dear reader? Or does not
the snowy ground sit in luxurious and smug superiority over the black
and icy depths of the pond below?
Then there are the horses, the twins, Capitalism and Conservativism.
Note again the unbalanced ratio of white to dark hair. The horses pull
the sleigh of Religious Fundamentalism, no doubt headed for that unjust
spire of Moral Absolutism so tediously and unconstitutionally forced
'pon us by the Puritans who find gladness in stifling human rights and
freedoms. **************
Oddly, the author forgot to mention the green box in the back of the
sleigh, which no doubt contains the body of Jimmy Hoffa and represents
the oppression of the working class by the "Big Box" chain stores like
Wal-Mart, whose degredation of its employees is legendary.
posted by Harvey at 2:21:24 PM permalink HOME
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CAPTION THIS!
Dana's got a picture of Hillary in desperate need of a caption. Only 12 hours left. Go, quickly, and mock the beast.
posted by Harvey at 12:52:24 PM permalink HOME
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WITH AGE COMES WISDOM
Susie will be celebrating her 23rd birthday again very soon, and, despite her youth and inexperience, I have to agree with her that this entry from Iowahawk is one of the best non-Scrappleface bits of satire ever to hit my monitor. This part put quite a smirk on my face:
***********
I am a Democrat because I believe in the equality of all people,
regardless of their race. That is why I think we should give free
medical degrees to minorities because, well, duh. Like any of those types are going to make it through medical school.
***********
Like the lady says, go read the whole thing.
posted by Harvey at 12:18:41 PM permalink HOME
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THE LOOK ON MOSS'S FACE: PRICELESS
...and speaking of kicking the Vikings around, Owen of Boots & Sabers heard one from his wife - it's a 5-second read, so just go.
posted by Harvey at 11:03:19 AM permalink HOME
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© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 6/24/2005; 7:38:37 PM.
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